


Black Out: It's My Clean Slate

by migit21



Category: amber - Fandom, amber josephine liu, f(x), kryber, krystal - Fandom, krystal jung - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Female Homosexuality, Femslash, Lesbian, Lesbian Character, Lost Love, Suicide, christian family, girlxgirl, in the closet, saffic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:10:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 182,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/migit21/pseuds/migit21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amber is preparing to audition for the recruiting company that will end up taking her on a full ride to her dreams.  She is hoping to start a career in what she does best: singing and dancing- with the support of her sister, Jackie, and hopefully the support of her mother - all the while trying to put behind a traumatic past, a non existent father, and her closeted self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Black Out Is My Clean Slate

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I am NOT Amber Josephine Liu, neither do I have any intent to claim that these fictional portrayals reflect the real activities of the "source figure" in any way.  
> This is merely a Kryber Fan fiction written from my fictional Amber Liu's point of view.
> 
> As you guys can see, the setting will be taking place in a f(x) environment. Also, I am working hard on making a very realistic transition into the romance between Krystal and Amber. This means, a lot of character development, and a lot more heart warming and real moments between them. There will be no out of nowhere making out scenes. (Lol) For me, the build up is what counts. If you were looking for immediate fan service =( I am sorry. There WILL be fan service, but in due time. The romance between Amber and Krystal will also not be the only thing going on. There's going to be some self issues going on with Amber -- like her being in the closet while being part of a christian household, dealing with the traumatic experience of how she lost her first girlfriend, etc. That, she WILL deal with the help of Krystal, which will be part of their bonding experience that will lead to their romance. Also, Krystal will be dealing with her own share of issues and insecurities that go hand in hand with being part of the idol and K-POP world. So if this sounds like something appealing to you =) Please stick around, and thank you for reading.
> 
> The story is called "Black Out: It's My Clean State", because Amber can begin to start clean only when she stops putting these painful things under a rug -- only when she begins to face them head on, and only when they really start hurting like hell -- Only then, when she really blacks out, is when things can finally start off right.
> 
> The idea came to me because, when I write poetry, it helps me better when I write on a black background, rather than white. So, portrayal of beauty onto a dark background, is what I was going for. I only write poetry, this is my first story. I think I might also try and use some of my poems that I think relate to their relationship, and incorporate them into the story. =) I don't know why this couple made me want to write a story, maybe because they're the only ship that has felt so real to me. I mean, something's gotta be there, even if it's little, to make me want to go out of my way and write a story. I know you Kryber fans have seen it and felt it, too. Thanks for reading!

 

 

_Black Out: It's My Clean Slate_

         

 

It's Saturday 11:45 PM -- 15 minutes until my 21st birthday, and I'm curled up in the corner of the dark bathroom stall in our touring trailer, right in between the toilet seat and the sink cabinet.  I scrunch up my nose as it touches the tip of the toilet paper roll that's right in front of me.  I feel a tear roll down to the tip of my nose, as it soaks right into the paper scroll.  My cheeks are burning red from embarrassment.  How did I get here?  It's like my body automatically found this place.  Probably because it's really the only time of privacy I have when on tour.  Even when it's to sleep, I have to bunk with everyone else.  Maybe that's why it felt the stall as a safe haven, as the only room that can be locked and isolated.  "Fuck...!"  My heart aches.  "Amber, you're a _fucking_ idiot."  I say to myself under my breath.

["Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service](https://youtu.be/0wrsZog8qXg)  
  
Just about 4 months ago at around this same time, I was in Los Angeles, California lounging in my room.  I was lying on my bed and listening to one of my favorite songs at the time.  I started day dreaming about singing and dancing it on a stage to a crowd full of lovers.  
  
"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." I sang softly under my breath.  The Postal Service and their awesomeness, _seriously_.  'Such Great Heights' was on repeat on my laptop, and my eyes were shut close out of pure bliss.  The only light in my room was my Lilo and Stitch night lamp, so the room was dim and chill.  I am _so_ glad I bought that Glades Pineapple air freshener thingy, too.  _Ahh_ , my room is hella nice to be in.  Especially right after a shower, when I can just unapologetically chill in boxers and a tank top, feeling _oh so fresh and clean_ ;  my still wet black bangs resting over my eyebrows felt so cold, in a good way.  I took a deep breath in and out, as I lied on my back with my arms spread out... feeling myself drifting into sleep...

Floating on a cloud...

Our cerulean sky...  
  
"Hey Jo, have you seen the razor? I need to shave my legs, like ASAP."  Jackie asked while busting in through my door, so nonchalantly.   
  
"Jackie, seriously? You can't knock first?"  I asked with a cranky tone, disrupted from my almost sleep state.  
  
"Did I wake you up?"  she asked, feeling sorry.   
  
"Well... no. Not really, it's fine."  I said, as I moved towards one of my drawers to fetch for the razor.  "What are you doing shaving your legs so late, anyway?"  I asked.  
  
"I'm going to the beach early in the morning with Esteban and some friends. I've been busy being excited all day that I totally forgot to shave."  she explained.  
   
"You're still seeing that Hispanic guy?"  I asked surprised.  
  
"Uhh yeah? Why?"  
  
"I don't know... didn't you say you two had a sucky first date?"  
  
"Well, yeah... but it was mostly my fault.  I'm actually surprised he called me back.  I was such a nervous wreck, I could barely keep a conversation."  she said, with an embarrassed giggle.  
  
"Ew, you're all bubbly happy about it.  Wellp! Good luck, sis."  I teasingly said, as I handed her the razor and started to close my door.  
  
She held the door lightly before I could finish closing it and asked, "Amber, are you nervous?"  
  
"About the auditions tomorrow?"  I was slightly caught off guard by the question.  "A little... but I know I'm awesome so I'll be fine."  I continued, quickly recovering with my typical cocky humor and dorky grin.   
  
"Cocky much? Don't stay up late, Llama."  she teasingly said, after she slightly rolled her eyes at my response.   
  
"Confident, not cocky.  And I was working on it right before you busted through my door all cray-cray.  Night dork."  I said as I closed the door.  
  
That was my older sister Jackie.  She calls me 'Jo' when she wants to be sweet or needs anything from me, which is short for my middle name, Josephine.  Then she calls me 'Llama' when she wants to tease me, since she says my face looks like a Llama, and so it's just been a non-stop joke ever since it came up.  She's three years older than me, she's all sorts of awesome, and the only one that knows about my... secret, I guess.  Also, the only one who never judges me about it or thinks it wrong that I sing in the church choir regardless.  Well, not that anyone else judges me since no one else really knows, but they judge it indirectly, which still hurts like hell.  Jackie never saw it wrong when I told her that I've felt this way since I can remember.  She never saw it wrong when I fell in love with Soyeon in my Senior year of highschool.  She never saw it wrong that I dated her for that whole year.  She never saw it wrong when I told her that me and Soyeon lost our virginity to each other, and she never saw it wrong when I cried her in silence after the accident.  
  
The accident.

It wasn't anything fancy.  It wasn't anything dramatic.  It wasn't a car crash, a plane crash, a terminal illness, it wasn't even an accident.  I just prefer to call it accident, but it was a mistake.  Though mistakes could also be accidents, and if she were alive right now, she'd regret it.  

Mistakes are to be regretted. 

But I don't regret loving her.  Not one bit.  Fuck it.  Who am I kidding, right?  Of course I do... sometimes.  Loving her -- loving _each other_ \-- I wouldn't categorize it as a _complete_ mistake.  But either way, Jackie never saw it wrong.  She still doesn't, and it feels great that at least _she_ knows.  God knows what will happen if my mom ever finds out.  I don't think she'll disown me, but probably Bible thump me to death -- well, who knows?  With her temper...  My dad -- well, he left us before I was born.  So, I don't really remember him at all.  Mom never talks about him either, she just curses him a lot when she's hella angry, which I find amusing.  I'm telling you, the poor bastard must have _such_ a shitty life right now from all of the times my mom's cursed him.  Well dad, tomorrow I might start having an _awesome_ life. I'm on my way to the I & M Entertainment World Auditions.  I'm going to sing and dance my way into my dream, even if it's not to the Postal Service, but as long as it's on a stage, I'll be _hella_ happy.  
  
["Beat It" - Michael Jackson](https://youtu.be/vVAa6TropWY)  
  
"Amber Josephine Liu?" one of the staff girls called my name.  It was finally my turn to audition.  My palms were fucking sweating so much, and my throat was so dry.  I might have practiced those MJ moves so many times this past week, but at this very moment, my body felt so stiff.   
  
"Okay Amber, relax... breathe..."  I said to myself under my breath.  "Yes? That's me."  I enthusiastically responded to the staff.  
  
"Alright kid, you're next! Good luck!"  she responded with a smile of encouragement, no different from how she'd told every other person sitting in that room before me.   
  
I stepped into the empty auditorium and onto the empty stage, where but only a line of five judges sat staring right at me from across.  I could hear my breathing echoing throughout the giant-like room.  That's how it was for me, everything was a giant, and I was nothing but a termite.   
  
"Get a grip you fucking pussy, you were born for this."  I said to myself under my breath.   
  
"Excuse me?"  asked one of the judges.  
  
I cleared my throat.  "Hi! I'm Amber Liu and I'm..."  
  
"Amber JOSEPHINE Liu, correct?" the judge interrupted.  
  
"Uhh yeah... yeah! Josephine is my middle name. But I'd rather just go by Amber Liu."  
  
"Okay ' _Amber Liu_ ', what are you doing for us today?"  
  
"I'm going to do an interpretation of 'Beat It' by Michael Jackson."  I responded.  
  
"And you are from L.A., correct?"  he asked while skimming through my profile papers.  
  
"Yes sir, born and raised, Taiwanese decent."  
  
"And what brings you here today?"  he asked as he began to look up towards me.  
  
"I want to become a performer.  I love _all kinds_ of music, but mostly alternative rock, ccm and some hip-hop.  So, I want to be able to perform the music I love for a living, ya' know?  Be part of something big, to somehow make an impact on people with my music -- that's my dream".  
  
"Alright then.  Let's see you impact _us_ , Amber.  Queue music."  he said as he placed my profile papers away, and adjusted his seat.  
  
_Man_ , as soon as I heard that beat, all that tension just vanished into thin air.  My body was moving solo.  I couldn't even help it.  It's almost as if music had a life of its own inside of me.  I destroyed that chorus vocally _and_ movement wise.  If that didn't impress them, I didn't know what would.   
  
"Absolutely impressive moves, Liu."  said one of the judges.  
  
"Very deep and pure vocals, as well."  said another judge.  
  
"Thank you, thank you so much."  I humbly responded.  
  
"You could use a little more work on those high notes, but I see something there _somewhere_ , even if not as a main vocalist, which is what I know you're mainly trying out for.  Once we make a decision, we will definitely get in contact with you with your results, Miss Liu."  said another judge.    
  
"Yes sir, and thank you so for your time.  You all have a great day."  I responded as I tried to hide my excitement, and as I began to leave the stage to walk back out towards the waiting area.  While walking towards the exit door, I was saying goodbye to the staff and wishing luck to the rest of the contestants.  Suddenly, out of freaking nowhere, I get harshly shoved by someone rushing into the waiting room.  
  
"Ow...! Oh my god, I am so...! I am so sorry, I didn't even see you... are you okay?"  she asked, worried and out of breath.    
  
"Yeah... _ow_..."  I said with a faint laugh, as I composed myself and fake rubbed my shoulder.  I was actually fine, just surprised.  "...I'm fine, are _you_ okay?"  I asked.  
  
"I am _so_ sorry, I'm just late for my audition and I think I'm next, and I'm getting called at 2:30 PM and I think that..." she hastily explained as she completely avoided my question, and while being absolutely still out of breath from running.   
  
"Krystal Jung?"  a staff girl called out.  
  
"Oh my god! That's me!" she squealed with a mixture of excitement, relief and fear maybe?  As she rushed inside, completely forgetting about our just almost conversation.  
  
I paused for a second, I smiled.  "What a cutie."  I said to myself, and then I heard it again...    
  
"Alright kid, you're next! Good luck!"  
  
I walked out the exit door and made my way to my car to head back home.  Time to wait.  Time to expect --  man, expect _what_? I'm _so_ getting that call.  I wonder if Jackie had a good time at the beach today.  I should call her ass and tell her about how I killed it at my audition.  She'll probably just call me cocky again.  But hey!  If you owned, you owned.

"What do you want, Llama?" Jackie answered the phone.  
  
"Yo, you busy?"  
  
"Umm... sort of?  Not really?"  she said with a light laugh.  "Oh yeah! How'd it go?"  she asked.  
  
"Uhh... oookay? What was that about?"  I asked, referencing her light and awkward laughter.  
  
She laughed a littler harder and said, "Nothing, nothing, seriously.  Just... Esteban being adorable.  So... how'd it go?"  
  
"Okay yeah, never mind.  Definitely don't think I wanna know."  I said with a light chuckle.  "Anyway, it went freakin' awesome, exactly like I said it'd go."  I responded with a triumphant voice.  "When are you getting home?  That way I can tell you more about it." I asked.  She still sounded distracted.    
  
"Not anytime soon.  We're still at the beach, about to have lunch."  she responded.  
  
"Oh..."  I said, a little disappointed.  
  
"Why don't you drive by, and come eat lunch with us?"  she suggested.  
  
"Umm well -- see, I would, but I kinda already told mom this morning that I'd join her for lunch when I got back.  I thought you would be there, too.  She's been alone all Sunday.  I don't wanna bail on her, you know?"  I said.  
  
"Oh... yeah, I guess you're right.  Well, just tell me more about it tonight?"  she said, trying to compromise, and feeling a little guilty.  
  
"Yeah, that's cool.  Just have some fun, you rarely do.  Are you feeling more relaxed around Esteban?"  I asked, trying to reassure her that she didn't have to feel guilty.  
  
"Umm, yeah I think so."  she said with a shy giggle.  
  
"You are hopeless."  I teasingly said.  "Alright, I'll see you later tonight."    
  
"Alright Llama, be good."  she said.  
  
"Of course! I always am.  I'm always a good Llama."  
  
  
Well, _she_ sounds happy.  I'm kinda jealous, to be honest.  I miss that: the butterflies, the smirks, her eyes, _the high_...  I miss that feeling, but I kinda loathe it at the same time.  Whenever something feels way too good, there's always a price to it, at least in my experience -- well, the little that I have.  I lowered my car windows as I cruised down the waterfront on my way home.  I stuck out my hand and made it ride the wind -- you know, kinda like flipper riding the waves?  Up and down, up and down, up and down.  I took a deep breath in, and let it out.  It's 'cause it felt too good... Is that why it had to happen?  Is that why you had to go?  I turn around to the passenger seat, and I see her there, shoving it in my face...  "I told you the CR-Z would be better than the Civic, didn't I?"  she had said, laughing and sticking her tongue out at me, then taking my hand in hers and planting a kiss right in the center of my palm.  It is better.  Way better.  We got it painted together too, her favorite color: cerulean, like the sky.  Stopping at a red light, I look back to the passenger seat, and she's not there anymore.  I feel the blank stare on my face.  For a second, it was almost as if my heart stopped, like -- when she's not on my mind, I'm perfectly fine, but when she is... I die.  Suddenly a raid of L.A. horns drowned all of my thoughts.  I look up, and the light is green.  Just a couple of more blocks away from home, but when these thoughts catch my mind, I sometimes wish I'd never get there.      

I parked the car into the garage, finally home.  As I began to bring up my windows, the scent of mom's cooking hits me like a boulder.  "Mmmm. Is that koe-á-bah?"  I ask myself, as I lick my lower lip.  I can almost taste it: steamed minced pork with Taiwanese style pickled cucumbers.  I feel my stomach rumble, as if it was trying to speak to agree with me.  Why my sister would exchange mom's cooking for a few more hours with Esteban at the beach, is _beyond_ me.  I mean, I get it, she's in love or whatever, but damn does that smell good.  I walk into the kitchen to find my mom moving about around the stove, singing to herself. I smile as I place my keys on the table.  
  
"Mah?" I ask coyly to get her attention, and she turns around slightly startled.  
  
"Oh, hey! I didn't even feel you.  You sure you went to that audition, and not just some super secret ninja society meeting?"  she teasing asked me with a light laugh, as she washed and dried up her hands hastily.  She walked over to me with a rushed smile, placed one of her hands behind my head to pull me in, and kissed my forehead.  
  
"Maaah..."  I whined.  "Is that koe-á-bah?"  my eyes shined brightly with curiosity.   
  
"You smelled it didn't you?" she asked with a smirk, then quickly looked around the room.  "Where's your sister?"  she asked, as she looked back at me with a bit of confusion.  
  
"Yeah, I dunno.  She wanted to have lunch at the beach.  Guess just more pork for me, right?"  I said quickly and with an evil chuckle, as I walked over to the kitchen sink to wash my hands.  Mom went back to attending the stove.  
  
"Well, she didn't even call."  she said with disappointment.  "Is she with that Mexican boy?"  
  
"Mah, he's not Mexican. He's Peruvian..."  
  
"Oh, you know what I mean."  
  
"... and yes, she's with him and some other friends."  I responded, as I dried my hands and made my way to the table.  
  
"Well, at least he's a nice Adventist boy."  
  
"... Yeah."  I agreed and I felt a tight knot right in my throat as I sat at the table.  I hate it when she makes comments like that. What does it matter if he's Adventist or not?  
  
"Guess it's just you and me, then?"  she asked with a smile, as she brought the food, milk tea and two glasses with ice to the table.  
  
"Yeahp."  I responded.  "See mom?  I'm the better daughter."  I said jokingly.  
  
"And also the daughter who needs to learn how to cook."  she said, as she sat at the table.  
  
"Oh come on, Mah.  You know I don't like being in the kitchen."  I responded as I began to serve myself.  
  
"You should at least learn how to cook basic things like rice, Amber.  You're going to need it one of these days, especially if you go off on your own."  
  
"Mah, that's why they created instant microwavable rice."  
  
"Oh, you know that thing isn't rice.  Nothing instant is anything it says it is."  she said with a small laugh.  
  
"Says you."  I responded jokingly.  
  
"Yes, and I am the mother.  Mothers know everything."  she said as she poked my forehead.  
  
"Mahh... that saying has gone _old_."  I said, jokingly annoyed.  We started eating.  She still hadn't asked me how I did at my audition.  I mean, I know she doesn't really approve of the idea, but I was at least expecting some interest.  
  
"Old, just like my forever question to you -- when are you going to bring over a nice Adventist boy for lunch on one of these Sundays?"  she asked with an incredibly cringe-worthy wink.  It was a half joke question, and I still nearly choked on my piece of cucumber when I heard it.  
  
"I'm pretty sure Jackie is closer to that than I am, Mah."  I responded, trying to keep my joking face on, when on the inside I just wanted to run away from the table, and hide -- _anything_ to avoid this conversation going any further.  "So yeah, my audition went pretty sick."  I said quickly, attempting to change the subject.  
  
"Sick?"  she wondered.  
  
"Yeah, like... 'good', Mah.  Get with the program."  I joked, as I took my eyes off my food for a quick second to check her reaction.  
  
"I'm happy for you."  she responded, emotionless and eyes still fixated on her plate.  
  
An awkward silence took over the dining room.  I took a deep breath in and said, "Mah, I just don't understand.  Why do you have a problem with me doing this?  You know this is what makes me happy, you know this is what I want to do with my life.  Why can't you just support me and encourage me like a normal mom would do?"  I asked, as I gently laid my chop sticks down, stopped everything I was doing, and stared at her with a worried glare, a _hopeful_ glare.   
  
She also paused for a moment.  She took one last bite.  She chewed, and made sure to take her time doing it, too.  I think she was trying to calm herself down before she lectured the crap out of me, making me beginning to regret my series of questions as I set there nervous, expectant and awkward.  I honestly don't know where I get my docile temper from, because my mom is such a steam pipe.  She took a sip of milk tea, paused again, turned to me and said, "Listen, Josephine..."  
  
"Don't call me Josephine, Mah..."  I interrupted with slight exasperation and with a click of my tongue, starting to get a bit upset because she very well knows I hate it when she uses my middle name.  It was definitely an act of war on her part.   
  
"Well that is your name."  she said, beginning to slightly raise her voice.  "Now you listen to me, because you asked, and now I'm going to answer you."  she said in a stern voice.  She had a firm look on her face.  You could tell she was trying to not explode all over me, but I could see all of the flames dying to escape and spill from out of her eyes.  "This is not a fairy tale, Josephine.  I wish I could tell you to go on ahead, 'follow your heart', but we have to be realistic here.  These things don't work out 99% of the time."

  
"Because you've _totally_ done the math..."  I murmured under my breath where she couldn't hear me, as I began to cross my arms and dodge her gaze.  
  
"Once that happens, what is your backup plan?  Oh wait, you don't have a backup plan because you decided to not go to college." she started to sound so condescending.  
  
"Who said I wasn't gonna go?!"  I interrupted, beginning to raise my voice as I raised my gaze at her, and becoming more upset.   
  
"You are gambling on your future, Josephine, and I'm sorry but I will not support that.  If I could just make you do everything I wanted you to do, I would, but you're an adult.  So, I can't exactly do that now, can I?  You should just be grateful that, regardless, I still love you, and give you a place to eat and sleep at no additional cost...!"  
  
"That is such bu...!"  I interrupted.  
  
"Josephine! This conversation is over."  she said, and she meant it.  
  
_Bullshit_ , I wanted to say.  
  
I wanted to argue everything she said.  I wanted to tell her that she didn't give me a roof and food, dad's child support did, up until _very_ , _very_ recently when I turned 18.  I wanted to tell her that I did have a backup plan, that I was planning on signing up for online classes.  So, I wasn't going to be 'gambling' my future.  And most of all, I wanted to tell her... I wanted to tell her to have a little _faith_ in me... but she didn't deserve to hear that.  She didn't deserve to hear any of that.  All she wants is a cookie-cutter daughter that wears pretty dresses, and goes to Med school.  She wants me to have kids when I'm 30 -- oh and let's not forget who she wants the father to be: imaginary Dr. Lín, with a PhD in Chemical Engineering.  A misogynist, narrow minded traditionalist, good guy Adventist, who will hate anything and everything abstract.  I was so angry that I was so tempted to tell her how much I love vaginas, and how my life is not her dream, that it never was, and that it never will be... but I didn't.  I swallowed it all like a big ginormous spoonful of gall.  I lost appetite.  I calmly got up from my chair, walked out of the dining room, and into my room.  She didn't even try to stop me, and I didn't slam the door, I didn't even make a sound.  I just quietly sat on my bed with my hands on my lap, and I stared down at my toes.  Not a single tear.  I always try to stop feeling when I feel too much.  I always make an effort to not let anything escape, because I'm so afraid of pity... more so my own.  I wonder what dad would have thought if he were here.  I wonder if he'd let my life be my own dream.  I wonder why he left.  I wonder if he loved me. 

The week had just begun anew.  It was only but Monday, and my anxieties already started to kick in.  I constantly checked and rechecked my phone wanting to make sure that the ringer was always on high.  Also, making sure my battery never died, and that I always knew where my phone was. At. All. Times.

"So I heard about your little argument with mom yesterday."  said Jackie, as she walked into the kitchen while I was eating my bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  "Morning, Llama." she continued to say right after, as she made her way to the fridge.  
  
"Sup..."  I responded, trying to avoid the first topic.  
  
"Llama! You ate all the Cinnamon Toast Crunch!"  she said with a whinny voice.  
  
"I just figured you'd be good since you had a whole piece of Esteban yesterday."  I teased her as I chuckled.  
  
"Ha. Ha."  she sarcastically responded.  "Whatever, so what happened yesterday?"  
  
"Nothing, really.  It's cool."  I responded.  
  
"Uh huh..."  she said in disbelief.  She paused for a second and then said, "You know, I don't know why you even bother with her.  You're going to get called, and getting the fuck out of here anyway."  I sighed, and looked at my phone again right on queue as Jackie brought it up.  "Oh my god, Jo, stop being such a drama queen.  The day _just_ started.  Be patient."  Jackie continued, already noticing my anxieties about the audition results.  
  
"Yeah, Jackie... I don't know.  I mean, I'm trying to not care about the fact that she doesn't care, but I can't help it."  I said with a soft sigh, as I placed the phone back down onto the table trying to heed her advice.   
  
"She does care, she just doesn't agree with it, Jo."  she corrected me, as she sat down right across from me on the table with a bowl of Cheerios.  
  
"You don't have classes today?"  I asked her.  
  
"I do, but they're after four o clock."  she responded.  
  
"Mom's not gonna get back home from work until after five.  So, If you want you can take my car.  I'm not going anywhere today."  I offered.  
  
"Thanks, but no thanks."  she said with a huge grin.  
  
"Let me guess, Esteban..."  
  
"YEP!"  she interrupted me with a huge and happy squeal.  "He's taking me to classes today, and picking me up right after to go to the movies."  
  
I stared at her with a smirk and then said, "You two are corny as fuck."   
  
"Someone's jellieeeee."  she teasingly sang. 

Suddenly my phone rang.  It rang?  Yes, it rang.  An unknown number.  Me and Jackie both stared at each other, as I nervously grabbed and held onto the phone without really knowing what to do.  Jackie snatched it from my hand and answered it, putting it on speaker.  
  
"Yes? Hello?"  Jackie said.  
  
"Ah, yes.  May I speak to Amber Josephine Liu, please?"  asked the person on the phone.  
  
I snapped out of my mini coma as soon as I heard my middle name, "Amber Liu.  Just Amber Liu."  I corrected them to myself under my breath as I took the phone out of Jackie's hand to continue the conversation.  "Yes, this is her speaking."  
  
"I am contacting you to formerly congratulate you on your acceptance into I & M Enertainment."  I froze, while Jackie screamed out of excitement in my ear.  "It sounds like the support of a very happy family, miss Liu.  You should be proud.  We are very much looking forward to having you with us."  he said family?  I suppose.  It does sometimes seem like my sister is my only family.  
  
I laughed lightly and said, "Sorry about that sir, and I am definitely looking forward to being part of your company."  Jackie piped down and started to listen attentively, as she smothered me more and more to get closer to the speakers on the phone.  
  
"We have e-mailed you the details of the remainder of the process.  Please review them in depth, as you wouldn't want to miss any specifications, especially of the flight."  
  
"Yes sir, thank you so much"  I responded, unable to erase the smile off my face.  I couldn't even remember the rest of the conversation after that.  I was instinctively responding to his comments.  I was way too excited.  I was way too thrilled.  I mean... holy shit!  Out of all those people... me?!  How the freak?  I mean... I didn't know what to say.  By the time I came to myself, the conversation had already ended, and I was already off the phone.  
  
"I am totally skipping class today."  said Jackie, as she picked up her cell phone and started excitedly texting.   
   
"Jackie, what about your plans with Esteban?"  
  
"Pshh.  I don't give _two pickled fucks_ , we're totally going to celebrate this today.  Me and Esteban can go to the movies some other time.  I'm texting him right now."  she said, very convinced.  
  
"And you're definitely not skipping class."  
  
" _Relax_ , mother Amber.  It's not like I'm going to not hang out with 'mi amor' at all, he's coming with us."  she said with a witty smile.  
  
"That's not what I was objecting to, but of course."  I shook my head at her with a soft chuckle.  "Now you can officially introduce me to him, you know... before I leave and make history."  I jokingly said.   
  
"Again, so full of yourself."  she said as she closed her phone and lightly tapped me behind my head.  She finished her bowl of cheerios, and as she began to walk towards her room she said, "So, I'm gonna go call Esteban and figure out how we're going to do everything later.  Is there any specific place you wanted to go eat at to celebrate?"  she asked.  
  
"Umm no, not really... oh wait!  I have an idea!  Why don't we go to a Korean restaurant?  I mean, after all, I am going to Korea."  I said with a very accomplished smile.  
  
"Yeah... that's actually not a bad idea, and I've never even had Korean.  So, it'd be pretty cool to try it out with my favorite Llama."  
  
"I know, I make everything so much more appetizing."  I said, as I started to access my e-mail inbox on my phone.  
  
"You know, you could say thank you, too, _ya' know_?"  she said, teasing along.  "Oh, and one more thing, could you please try to wear something a little bit more... girly -- err fashionable?"  she asked, as she gave me one of her adorable puppy-eye faces.  
  
"Sure, I can _try_.  Not actually going to happen, but I will try."  I said as I chuckled at my smart-assness.  I don't even think she heard me.  She was already in her room by the time I finished that sentence, or else she would have said some kind of upgraded smart-ass reply.  Ha.  I love her.

As I scrolled through my inbox, I could still feel all of the goosebumps on my skin.  I had to pinch myself there for a second, because I really thought it was all some sort of dream.  It was all just way too surreal.  I mean, I was pretty confident about myself, but I never really planned out how I'd react if I actually _did_ get picked.  I didn't plan any of this.  "Here it is..."  I said to myself, as a huge smile hit my face.  I opened the e-mail, and it had a lot of details about all the commodities we'd get as trainees.  'We' it read.  Glad to know I won't be the only newbie.  It also had the details about the flight.  Apparently, I'll be heading to Seoul together with the other trainees on the sane flight.  
  
                "...Here is the contact information for your fellow trainee.  Please become acquainted, as you will both be taking the same flight, and will be recruited for the same group.  Good luck on your musical journey!

Best Regards,  
I & M Entertainment "  
  
Oh wow, just _one_ more trainee.  I had the feeling there'd be more.  Holy fuck, this makes me even more nervous.  Out of all the people, they only chose two, and _I'm_ one of them.  What kind of crazy expectations do they have of me?  I honestly can't believe I'm this special.

Hmmm... Krystal Jung... why does that name sound so familiar?  Guess I'll find out when I meet her next week.  That's when my flight leaves.  That's when I'll be leaving Cal.  That's when I'll be leaving Jackie.  I sighed and closed my cell phone.  No use in feeling all nostalgic now.  Better focus on what I want for lunch from that K restaurant.  I should also call mom to let her kn -- nah.  Not like she's gonna to give two fucks anyway.  She'll probably just not be amused at all, and pretend like it's not even happening.  I get that from her -- you know, shutting out my emotions, pretending like shit ain't happening while all the walls, the skies, the moon, the planets, all of heaven and hell just crash into me.  We just both pretend like nothing is happening.   _So_ glad I didn't get her temper, though.  
  
"Jackie?"  I knocked on her bathroom door.  "Jackie, where are we going before lunch, because I won't be hungry for a while."  I could hear her turn off the water and open the curtains.  
  
"What did you say?  I couldn't hear you."  she responded.  
  
"I said, where are we going before lunch?"  
  
"Oh, we're actually thinking about walking down the waterfront, and then probably head to City Walk.  Esteban suggested some laser tag, because he's a freaking dork.  He bring some of his friends."  
  
"I like him already."  
  
"Alrighty, Llama.  Let me know when you're ready."  She said, as she opened the door and walked to her bedroom wrapped in her towel.   
  
"Yes, mon capitan." I said in a French accent and with a huge smile.   
  


Packing is seriously exhausting.  You have to mentally prioritize and organize everything in your head first, before you actually pack it.  You never really think about these things on a day to day basis.  Prior packing, freaking everything is priority.  Everything is important, and everything needs to go with you.  When it's time to pack, when you're faced with luggage with only limited amount of space, that's when you _really_ find out what's most valuable to you.  For example, I have found out that I'd rather take my Rubik's Cube collection with me, over bras.  
  
"Hurry up, Llama.   _I'm_ the one taking you to the airport."  said Jackie as she entered my room.  
  
"Mom didn't take the day off, huh?"  I asked.  Jackie looked down at me with a slight frown, as if she wanted to find some way to excuse mom, but couldn't think of any, at all.  There _was_ no excuse.  She was simply being a drama queen of a mom.  
  
"... No but seriously, your plane leaves in like 5 hours and you need to be there at least 3 hours before you board your flight when it's an international flight."  she continued.  
  
"Yeah, I know... I just feel like the week went by so fast."  I said as I folded up my hoodies into my luggage.  "... Like, I don't get why we have to leave so fast..."  I continued.  The reality of leaving my family, my hometown... it all just came crashing down.  I was so excited about realizing my dream that I completely forgot about the whole _leaving_ part.  You could hear the crack in my voice as I tried to hold back tears.  My car.  I'd be leaving that cerulean Honda -- my memory of Soyeon...  "Take care of the Honda, okay?  Promise?"  I asked with slight desperation in my voice, as I looked up at Jackie.  She saw the glistening in my eyes.  
  
"Of course!"  She replied with a huge smile, trying to change the turn around the sad atmosphere.  "Now hurry your ass up.  The airport is an hour from here, that's not including traffic".  I looked down again while I continued to organize my clothes.  I smiled and blinked to check for waterworks... satisfied at the fact that no tears were released, yet again.    
  
"Oh shush your face.  Not like I have a gold mine of clothes like you do."  I replied to her, teasingly.  
  
"Hey, people don't get teased for being fashionable.  They get teased for being slow."  she said, countering me.   
  
"Pffft.  Yeah, well... whatever."  I said, without being able to come up with a comeback.  I could hear her giggle in the background as she stepped out of my room.  My smile grew wider.   
  
"Done."  I said to myself, as I threw my back on my bed and placed one of my pillows over my face.  I took a deep breath in.  I'm not going to smell this for a long time.  That homey smell.  That smell of home that gets embedded into all that you own.  Hopefully, I'll learn to like the Seoul smell.  
  
As Jackie and I arrived at the airport, we began to say our goodbyes in the car.  She wouldn’t be able to stay until I checked out, since she had to go to class right after.  She couldn't afford to miss this class again, especially after she already missed it due to our celebratory outing last week. 

“So, this is it.  Here we are.”  She said, as she began to pull up in front of one of the gates.  
  
“Yeahp…”  I said, as I looked around.  Everyone looked like they were in such a hurry.  Except, while I was parting from my family, everyone else was reuniting with theirs.  I was in a hurry to leave, while they were in a hurry to get back home.  All of those out-of-state students who weren’t taking any summer classes, they all looked so happy to see their family again... and they were just in a different _state_.  I’ll be in a whole different _country_ , on a whole different _hemisphere_.  I started to feel anxious again.  I turned towards Jackie and started poking her repeatedly.  
  
“Don’t start.”  she said as she glared at me.  
  
I chuckled and said, “Hush, I’m trying to get rid of anxiety by annoying you one last time.”  
  
Once the car completely stopped, we both quickly looked at each other and began to get out of the car.  She helped me place my luggage on the cart.  We hugged.  I choked on everything I wanted to say.

“Josephine…"  I hear a familiar voice say.  I turn around and there she is.  My mom.  She closes in on me and hugs me without even giving me a chance to move or react.  My body automatically hugged her back.  My eyes wide open still trying to process that she was actually here.  Suddenly, I feel this warm wetness on one side of my neck and shoulder.  She was crying.  
  
“Wa gai ai li.”  she whispered.  
  
“I love you, too, Mah..."  I replied, still choking on a billion sentences.  
  
“You’ll be amazing.”  she said.  Those two words were all I needed to hear from her.  
  
“Uhh guys?  Yeah… umm glad you could make it, mom.  Really, but umm I have to get to class.”  Jackie said, as she smiled at us both.  
   
"Then leave, dork.  No one's stopping you."  I jokingly replied as I turned towards her again.   
  
"I gotta give you something first, Llama."  she said.  I turned back towards my mom.  She smiled at me.  I walked over towards Jackie as she reached something out from her pocket.  A keychain.  "Look, it's us.  It's the picture Estaban took of us at the Korean restaurant last week."  she said, as she handed it over to me with a huge grin.  All I did was smile and hug her one last time.  They both returned to their cars and waved.  
  
"Don't forget to call us or shoot us an e-mail as soon as you get some wifi or as soon as you get there, okay?"  said mom, as she pulled her car window back up.  I nodded and waved back.  I turned around with my luggage-full-cart looking towards the entrance gate.  I gulped, took a deep breath, and walked through the doors.    
  
"Excuse me, where's the check out desk for Seoul, South Korea?"  I asked.  Let the journey begin.

 

 

  



	2. 24.5 Hours in Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amber has finally wrapped things up in her hometown, and is on her way to Seoul, South Korea to realize her dreams. She has also finally become acquainted with Krystal Jung, the second lucky trainee to join the k-pop girl group that is waiting for them once they arrive in I & M Entertainments, or how Krystal calls, it "M-Town". These two girls are going to spend 24.5 hours together on a flight with no transfers. What will they talk about? What will they share? How close will they get? Amber has already started to see some vestige of issues going on with Krystal that have to do with her sister and the "pressure" of becoming a K-pop idol. Hopefully she'll spill some of it out to Amber; and will Amber bond enough with Krystal on this flight to tell her some of her own issues? This is it folks. This is the chapter where it all starts for Krystal and Amber.
> 
> KRYBER 4 EVER!

 

_24.5 Hours In Heaven_

                                                        

Where the hell is this B2 gate? My stomach begins to growl at me, as I start to pass by all the fast food stands that are located near the waiting areas. 

Ah, here it is, B2. Right on time. Still an hour before boarding. I could probably go grab a quick bite and be right back. I sit down for a second in the waiting area. I feel like I'm forgetting something. What am I forgetting...? Damn, the other trainee... I completely forgot about that. I didn't even call her a day before or a few days before. Gosh, I'm horrible. Well, to be fair, she hasn't called me either. What if she doesn't really want to call me, and that's why she hasn't done it? I don't wanna bother her or anything, or seem annoying.  Maybe I could ask if she'd like to get a bite with me before the flight? Yeah... that seems pretty smooth and normal, right?  
  
"Hello?" she answered.  
"Hey, ummm this is Amber speaking? I'm the other trainee with I & M Entertainment? We're supposed to be taking the same flight?"  
"Oh! Hey! Gawd, I'm so glad you called me! I like, totally misplaced the e-mail so I didn't have your number, and I was like getting so nervous." she replied with a small laugh.  
"Oh!" I said, laughing back lightly, and here I was thinking she didn't want to call me. "Yeah, that's okay. I'm glad I called you first then." I said jokingly.  
"Yeah, umm I'm Krystal, by the way, and you said Amber, right?"  
"Yeahp."  
"Nice to meet you!" she said cheerfully. "Are you here at the airport already?"  
"Umm yeah, I'm at the gate already, actually. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to get a quick bite before getting on the plane, 'cause I'm stravin'."  
"Oh my god, yes. I'm starving, too, but I'm still not at the gate. Where did you want to eat at? I could totally meet you there. I'm almost there." she replied, a little out of breath. It seems like she's always late to places.  Sheesh. I paused for a second, and looked around real quick. Taco Bell spotted. Hell to the yeah. Love me some burritos.  
"Umm Taco Bell?" I asked.  
"Sweet, I'll meet you there!" she replied.  
"Aight, see ya' there!"  Well, that didn't go so bad. Turns out she lost my info. I chuckled to myself as I walked to the Taco Bell stand. I sat there for about, two minutes maybe? My phone rang.  
"Yo." I answered.  
"Hey, umm I'm here. Where are you?" she asked. I waved.  
"I'm waving."  
*click*

             

She started walking up to me. This girl. This is the girl I bumped into at the auditions. No wonder that name sounded so familiar. I smiled at her and stood up to shake hands.  
"Hey! Guess rushing and bumping into me was pretty much worth it, huh? I'm a good luck charm." I teased her.  
"Huh?" she asked, looking clueless for a second, as she shook my hand. "Oh my god, you're the guy -- I mean, girl I bumped into that day?" I nodded, and then kind of just realized the mistake she almost made. Do I really look like that much of a dude? I don't think so, at least. I shrugged it off.  
"I am so sorry, by the way, but yeah..." she giggled "...totally worth it." she said, teasing me back  
"What did you perform?" I asked.  
"A Wonder Girls song. 'Be My Baby'." she replied, feeling very accomplished.  
"Oh wow, an actual K-pop song. You can sing that?" I asked.  
"Duh... I'm Korean. Well, Korean American, of course."  
"Cheater." I teased her. "I need to prep up on my Korean. You should help me."  
"How much will you pay me?" she asked laughing.  
"A million thank yous?" I replied laughing.

"Soooo tacos?" she asked with a smirk.  
"Burritos for me. Love me some burritos man!" I said, getting super excited.   
  
I stuffed my face, while she looked at me giggling.  
"What?" I asked, looking up at her and away from my burrito, to which I was hungrily fixated on.  
"Nothing" she smiled.   
"Why would you go to Taco Bell and order a taco salad?" I asked, teasing her.    
"Once we get to M-Town, you know you won't be eating much of that right? They're going to put us on a strict diet.  So, I might as well start now, before it catches me off guard."  
"And how do you know that?" I asked, very curious. Her smile disappeared, she looked down at her salad and started picking at it with her fork.  
"My sister told me." she answered.  
"Oh..." I said, as I continued to stuff my face into the burrito. Seemed like something she didn't really want to elaborate on. So, I didn't continue to poke at it. "They'll never take my burritos away from me!" I said jokingly, trying to change the subject.  I looked up quickly to see her smiling again. Seeing her more calm, seeing her up close, seeing her not so rushed -- I noticed her beauty. Her smile is definitely adorable. K-pop chicks are all so gorgeous. In the back of my mind, I could definitely see myself starting to feel out of place once I got there. I'm so different from all of them. Gosh, they'll probably have me put on a cute hot pink skirt and dance to Madonna. Gosh... gosh no...  
"Amber?"  
"Huh?" I replied.  
"You totally spaced out for like a whole minute... ummm here, let me..." she took a napkin, and wiped some sour cream off my bottom lip.  
"Umm... thanks." I said, kind of a little shocked that she just did that. Well, I mean, we might as well start bonding and getting comfortable now. We're probably going to be spending every waking moment together. "... and... no I didn't." I pouted.  
"You soooo did."  she laughed adorably and went back to eating her salad. "What were you thinking about?" she asked.  
"Well, I mean -- you're from L.A., too right?" I asked.  
"San Francisco." she replied.  
"Well yeah, so you'd understand, since we're both basically American. As you can see, I dress like a total tomboy." I began to explain. "And..."  
"And you're wondering if you're going to have to change your image completely once you become an idol." she finished my thought.  
"Ummm... yeah. Exactly." I replied.  
"Yes." she answered bluntly. "Like I said, they basically own us at this point. We have to do what they tell us to do, and fit the cookie-cutter idol image." she continued.  
"You seem kind of bitter about it... almost as if you didn't really want to be here?" I said, as I sipped on my Coke.  
"I... I do want to be here... I just..." she bit her bottom lip, as her eyebrows and forehead wrinkled into discomfort.  I looked at her, trying to show concern, listening attentively. "It's just so much pressure. I want to do music. I really do. I love it so much, but..."  
"... but?"  I asked.  
"Nothing. It's stupid. I'm being stupid."  she said, trying to brush it off. She quickly worked up a smile, that was so obvious was not genuine at all.  
"Hey, it's okay. We'll be amazing." I said with a smile, trying to give her the same words of encouragement my mom gave me.  
  
"ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS BOARDING FLIGHT TO SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA. PLEASE REPORT TO GATE B2 FOR BOARDING"  
  
"That's us." I said, excited. "Ready?"  
"Definitely!" she said, feeling a bit better. She definitely tries to be enthusiastic, even when she doesn't really want to. That's pretty admirable. "Do you think we're sitting together?" she asked.  
"I don't think they specified that on the e-mail. I'm guessing they'd want us to sit together since they want us to 'bond' or whatever, but who knows?"  I responded.  
"I have seat B12." she said as we began to walk over to the boarding gate.  
"I have seat D12, a window seat." I said.  
"I don't think we're together." she said with disappointment. We entered the plane, and we began to scan through all of the numbers above each seat.   
"We're across from each other." she said with a light frown. I was sitting on the window seat, and she was sitting on the outer seat. We sat down and I smiled at her from across my seat, when suddenly -- this huge body builder guy sat right next to me. He was huge. Probably 6'5, at least.  I tilted my head forward to see her once more, waving and smiling at her again. Her frown went to a smile and back to a frown as soon as I sat back. We were both scared. We were both nervous. We were both excited. Would've been nice if we could at least sit together and share the scares. Well, this is stupid. You'd think they'd assign us to sit together. I sighed. I pulled up the window cover and looked out at the L.A. Airport -- at all the people, at all the faces, at all that I would miss. I can't smell the L.A. air from inside of here anymore. This is really it. I took out my phone and sent Jackie a text message.  
  
                "Hey, i knw ure in class, so thats y Im not calling, but... Im on the plane, bout to head out. Last txt i send ya i guess. For now at least. Peace out dork. Luv ya."  
  
Yeahp. Peace out L.A.  
  
"READY FOR DEPARTURE"  

As the plane was beginning to set flight, the huge guy looked down at me and smiled. I nervously smiled back. Funny how such intimidating figures still show kindness.   
  
"Oh my gosh! I'm so excited!" the guy busted out saying in the most flamboyant voice possible, as he lightly touched my shoulder while limping his wrist. I didn't want to assume anything, but come on. He looks like he could crush god's soul in the blink of an eye, yet the personality of a total fairy.  
"Oh I'm so sorry hun. It's my first time flying, and I just can't contain myself. My name is Jesse, by the way." he continued.  
"Hey, no problem man. I feel ya'. Amber, here. Pleasure." I said with a chuckle. "You're flying alone?" I asked, curious.  
"Oh, yes! I'm going to Seoul to visit my partner." he said, excited, but kind of reluctant to continue talking. I kind of knew why, too. When else do we use the word 'partner'?  He probably thinks I'm some traditional Asian heading back home. He probably thinks I'm going to judge him.  
"Oh nice!" I said, with a huge genuine smile, trying to reassure him. He responded with an even bigger smile and said "Mhhm, we are trying to ummm -- you know, get the papers and things like that... but oh girl, it's been such a hassle, you know. It's even harder for us to..."  and then he whispered "...get married."   
"Yeah..." I responded, kinda frowned a bit and said "...but it does get better." and smiled again.  
"Oh yes it does, sister!"  he said with a bold laugh.  "Are you going back home?" he asked, just as I suspected.  
"Umm... no. I'm umm -- I'm not Korean or live there." I answered.  
"Oh! I'm sorry, girl!" he said, a bit embarrassed.  
"Oh no, no, it's fine. I get it all the time. Japanese, Korean, Chinese... well I am technically Chinese. My family is from Taiwan, but I'm American."  
"Oh I see. Asians are so complex. I'm always fascinated by my boo's culture."  
"Haha yeah! I guess so. I think I'm pretty simple, though."  
"So what brings you to Seoul?" he asked, still curious, just as curious as me.  
"Umm, well a career, hopefully. " I chuckled.  
"Oh I see."  
"Yeah, I was just recruited for a K-Pop company."  
"Oh K-pop! My boo doesn't really like it. Says it's so overrated, but I looooooove it! It's so fun! Oh and I looooove the choreography! You all look so cuuuute!"  
"Hahah! Ya' think so? That's good to hear." I said, pretty happy to hear some good vibes about the music I'm about to get into. Yes, K-pop is hella overrated, stereotyped and what have you. Hopefully, I can change that, even if just a little bit. They might try and change me, but I promise to definitely stay true to who I am, no matter what. Of course, I'm saying that now. Who knows what I'll do once I'm in the hands of management, rules, regulations, peer pressure...

...I sighed.  
  
I looked out my window to see the clouds, as the plane finally stabilized, as it finally began to drift steady. It seems so calm. Amazing how something so heavy can work its way up against the high pressures of the sky, and then maintain itself so high... and fly.  
"You here all alone, hun?" he asked. I turned back around towards him, quickly.  
"Naw, I'm here with her." I leaned forward and I pointed at Krystal.  "I think we're going to be in the same group."  
"Oh I see." he said, pensive.  
I couldn't help but catch myself holding my stare towards her. I giggled at myself once I realized it. She was listening to music on the mp3 from her phone. It looked like she was pretty lost in her music, pen stuffed in between the pages of a notebook -- writing, drawing? I wondered... a diary maybe? The profile of her pensive look... it was graceful.  She's shy, yet exciteful, and then shy again.  She wiggled her nose as if trying to scratch it without having to remove her hands from her pen and notebook.  I smiled and leaned back into my seat.  
  
I felt bad. I was here sitting next to this awesome gay dude, and she was there... alone, for 24 hours. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would willingly get into conversations with random people. Sitting next to her: a middle aged Caucasian guy in a business suit.  
  
Lights flashed.  My chain of thoughts, broken.  
  
Finally, the seat belt lights went off. I've been wanting to pee for the longest freaking time. I probably shouldn't have had that large Coke at Taco Bell.  
"Hey, could you excuse me for a sec? I suddenly, like -- need to pee pretty bad." I said with a chuckle.  
"Oh yeah girl, go ahead." he said as he stepped out of his seat to let me pass. Usually, people would just be able to fold in their legs just a little bit. I mean, even for me, since I have a pretty small frame. But this dude... a buff Hagrid, I'm tellin' ya'.

As I'm scooting out into the hall, I instinctively poke Krystal on her shoulder. I can't help but be my annoying self. She looks up at me as I'm walking away. I stick my tongue out at her and she smiles at me with a giggle, shaking her head as I continue to make my way to the stall.  On my way back, as Jesse starts to make way for me to sit down again, she pokes me back on my ribs, and kind of made me jump a bit, since it's my tickle spot, and then she asked "Had fun?"  
"Tons. Best pee ever." I responded, and I sat back down, as I heard her giggle again. I swear, she sounds like an adorable pixie when she giggles. It's kind of hard to not want to make her giggle all the time. Jesse looked at me with a smirk.  
"What?" I asked, with a dumb grin on my face.  
"Uhhhhhh huh. Girl, I know."  
"Haha! Know what?" I asked again, blushing, but I don't know why I'm blushing. I just felt my face get hot, which always happens when I blush.  
"Girl, do you want me to switch places with her?" he asked  
"No, no, why would you do that?" I asked.  
"I'm just sayin'." he said as he turned around to speak to Krystal.  
"No, no, no, Jesse, it's fine." I pleaded.  I felt bad. I really have no idea what he's talking about and I don't want to bother him.  
"Excuse me." Jesse said to Krystal.  
"Hm?" Krystal looked up at him, curious.  
"You can come and sit here sweetheart. I'll trade seats with you. I know your boo wants to sit next to you." he said to her. I gulped. I got nervous. Eyes wide. I made a nervous laugh. I didn't know how to really react when I heard that, honestly.  
"Um Jesse." I chuckled. "No, she -- umm we just met, really. But we're supposed to be uhhh friends, like -- not supposed to, but yeah -- like we're together, but like in the same group... you know? It's fine, Jesse you can..." I tripped over my tongue, my teeth, my words, and my whole friken existence trying to say a coherent sentence. It gets seriously harder and harder to be friendly with attractive girls.  
"Girrl, you alright! Don't even worry about it." Jesse responded.  
"You wouldn't mind?" Krystal asked, with huge giant puppy eyes.  
"Come on here, girl." Jesse said, as he began to get up. "I'm grown honey. I wouldn't want to see you all by yourself the whole flight. You okay, sweetie." He responded.  
"Awww thank you! Thank you so much. That's so sweet of you." Krystal replied, as she made her way around Jesse, which took a lot longer than it should. She organized her backpack underneath the chair in front of her, as she sat down next to me. I said nothing this whole time. I just looked at her as she composed herself. Suddenly she looked up at me, her eyes meeting mine.  
"Hi!" she said with a huge smile and so much energy.  
"H-hey." I said with a broken smirk.  I then looked over at Jesse, this time, no need to lean forward.  
"Thanks, man." I waved and smiled at him.  
"Oh no problem, hun!" he replied with a huge smile.  
"He's like a huge adorable teddy bear." said Krystal.  
"Yah... he is." I said with a chuckle.  
"Soooo..." she said as she nudged my shoulder and said "... my boo."  and giggled.  
"Hilarious." I responded with a faint laugh.  
"Looks like someone's gaydar broke. " she said jokingly with a chuckle.  
"Apparently." I replied, laughing nervously. She put her headphones back in, opened her notebook and went back to wri -- no. She was doodling. Ha. Just doodling. I smiled as I looked at her doodles. They were kind of like shapes, like... she was drawing the music.  
"Hey, what are you listening to?" I asked.  
"Oh, ummm, 'Such Great Heights', have you heard it?" she replied.  
"Have I heard it?! It's like my favorite song right now, do you mind?" I asked to hear it.  
"Haha yeah, it's so addicting..." she said and she handed me one of her earbuds.  
  
["Such Great Heights" - Iron and Wine](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCYWymG9fSs)  
... ... ... ...  
"Oh, gosh." I said.  
"What?"  
"This is the cover, by Iron and Wine."  
"Well yeah. What did you expect? This version is the better one." she explained.   
"No way. The original one is definitely better."  
"Umm, no way. The guitar, his voice... You can hear the melancholy mixed with the happiness in his voice. This version goes way better with the lyrics. The original one, just sounds... weird." she explained herself with much confidence, as if it was a fact. You can tell she's probably been listening to this song on repeat. The way she described it, the way she passions for it. But still...  
"You heard the cover before you heard the original, didn't you?" I asked.  
"Maybe..." she smirked and looked back down towards her notebook.  
"That's why. This song was meant to be, originally, a happy 'I don't give a shit, I love you, I don't care what anyone says' type song.  That's the original vibe of the song, ya' know?" I explained.  
"But it's so much more beautiful when it has this feeling to it, the 'I miss you deeply, and no matter what anyone says, we will remain together' type feeling. I mean it's the exact same theme, just that this version says it more soulfully." she replied.  
"Exactly. It's kind of depressing... it hurts." I said.  
"But it hurts beautifully." she said.  
"How can something hurt beautifully?" I asked.  
"... ... it just _does_." she replied, as she continued to doodle in her notebook.  
"You either have no idea what hurting is, or you gotta give me whatever you're smoking." I said jokingly, trying to lighten up the mood. "I mean... anything that hurts... it just hurts..." I continued to explain, but regardless of me trying to lighten up the mood, I couldn't help but still choke up as I said this, thinking about  her -- The reason why I don't really enjoy this side of the song.  Same lyrics, but the different interpretation makes a _huge_ difference.  She hears the crack in my voice and looks up at me.  
"You alright?" she asked. I had a blank stare. My eyes were tearing up. The earbud still in my ear. The song playing on repeat. I bit my bottom lip, and tried not to blink. Blinking meant releasing my tears. I couldn't let that happen. At all. Ever.  
"Amber, are you okay?" she asked again, looking even more concerned.  She let go of her notebook, resting it on her lap. She brushed one of her thumbs underneath my eyelids brushing away the tears before they could roll down my cheeks, and said "Amber, it's just a song." she chuckled lightly. "I wasn't being serious." she smiled. I gripped her hand that was near my cheek and rested it back on her lap. "Heh...I know. I'm fine. Just caught an eyelash."  I took out the earbud, turned my head towards the window and rubbed my eyes.  
"You know that's a cliché excuse, right?" she said light-heartedly with a subtle giggle, _her_ trying to lighten up the mood this time. I could hear her giggle pause abruptly once she noticed I didn't react.  
  
I'm so stupid. Why did I think about her? Why?  I took the seat pillow and placed it on the corner in between the window and my seat. I curled up in a ball and leaned into the corner.  I could hear her pen over the paper, scratching as she drew into it.  And even though I no longer had the earbud in, I could still hear the song in my head, slowly putting me to sleep.  
  
You didn't stay with me at such great heights. You fell, and I lost you forever.  
  
I open my eyes, and yawn. I turn my body over to the other side. Krystal's head tilted to the side, now facing mine. Her eyes shut softly as she breathes deeply. She's fast asleep. Again, I find myself contemplating her beauty, in the midst of my eyes opening and closing, still feeling the ache of sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night. My anxiety about the flight totally betrayed me. I grab my phone, that managed to make its away behind my back somehow while I was sleeping. 8:32PM. I napped for like two hours and a half, or so. I look back at Krystal.  Her cheeks and nose are bright red, she must be freezing.  I lean forward to look down at her backpack hoping to spot a jacket she might have or something.  Nothin'. I end up taking off my hoodie, and covering her up gently. I lean back into my seat to lay on my side, and I look. I just look at her. I don't know why. I just like it. I can't pinpoint it, but she makes me want to just take care of her...  
  
"Hey..." I said, as I smiled at her, seeing her open up her eyes. She smiled back lightly, closing her eyes again.  
"Are we there yet?" she asked.  
"Haha... no. It's only been like three hours."  
"Oh my gawwwwdd..." she said in a whinny sleepy voice, and she stretched a bit, opened her eyes again and looked at me. "Hm?"  
"Nothing." I said. I started poking her cheek.  
"You really like poking people, huh?" she asked, with a sleepy smile.  
"Just a little bit. " I responded. "Just cute people."  
"I know, I'm adorable." she said jokingly.  
"Quite." I responded.   
She looked above her shoulder to see my hoodie on top of her. She said nothing of it, and just snuggled into it even more.  
"You're not cold?" she asked.  
"Nah, you can use it."  
"You sure?"  
"Positive." I said as I leaned back into my seat, and stretched out a bit. "I'm kinda thirsty, are you?" I asked.  
"Amber... I'm sorry about earlier." she said, completely changing the subject.  
"Heh, it's fine, nothing happened." I said, as I lifted myself up from my seat with my two hands, looking up and down the aisles.  
"No... I know something happened, and I'm really sorry, but..."  
"...where are all the flight attendances?" I asked, trying to avoid her finishing her sentence.  
"...it hurts more when you keep it inside."  
"Hey, excuse me..."  I said to a flight attendant "...can we get two bottles of water, please? Thank you." I said, as I handed one of the bottles to Krystal.  
"When you keep it all inside, it hurts more, and it never stops." she continued, as she took the water bottle. She kept looking at me, as if demanding a response, a reaction, anything. She craved it. I finally sat down, and turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes, and said "Krystal. There is nothing to talk about, okay? " I said, firmly.  
"Okay..." she finally said, giving up. I didn't mean it to come out that way... I just really didn't want to talk about... her.  I sighed. I looked over to her as I took sips of my water bottle. She began to sit up a bit, still a bit sleepy, I think. She yawned.  
"Sounds like neither of us got any sleep last night, huh?" I said, trying to break the ice.  
"Yeah..." she said.  Seeing how everything had just turned extremely awkward. I knew what I had to do to block out the world. I reached into my backpack and got my rubiks. Puzzle time baby. I love the cube, because it reminds me of myself. This is the beauty of the cube: everyone is so afraid to try and solve it because they don't understand it, and they can't seem to figure it out, but it's not that complicated at all. It's not that hard to understand. You just need to put in some time, some patience and soon enough -- once all the pieces come together -- you'll see it for what it really is. You got to get all that clutter in place...  
  
I just need to get all this clutter in place...

  
...done.

  
"Oh my god... did you just solve it that fast?" I hear Krystal say, as if she was watching me this whole time. I turn around to look at her, and smile.  
"Umm yeah. I love solving these."  
"These? More than one?"  
I reach into my backpack and take out my shape rubik's cube.  
"Oh my god, I've never seen one like this." she took it in her hand immediately, amazed. "You can solve this?" she asked, impressed.  
"More or less, yeah." I responded.  
"Gawd, I can't even solve the normal one. I can't imagine how this one must be."  
"It's not that hard really." I said as I picked up the original cube again. "Here, I'll show you." I shifted the cube to rearrange the colors again. I leaned into her seat to give her a closer look at the cube.  
"You want to start off with a cross -- the white one, like this. And then you want to begin to solve the corners..." I explained to her, but I could see it in her face that she was getting kinda lost. "Am I doing it too fast?" I asked.  
"Just a little..." she giggled. I instinctively bit my lip at the sound of her giggling. She's just too adorable.  
"Here..." I put the cube in her hands, and placed my hands on hers to guide her. "...twist it this way... see? And this way... see the cross? Did you see how we made it?" she nodded in amazement, and then laughed discreetly.  
  
Her hands were so soft.    
  
"I've never actually gotten this far." she said, laughing at herself.  
"I'm an awesome teacher, huh?"  
"The best ever." she said rolling her eyes and giggling, going along with me. I love how she feeds into my cockiness, even though I'm just joking. I smiled at her, as we continued to solve the cube together. It was taking a while, since I wasn't able to do it as fast as I usually do.  
"When was the first time you ever solved it?" she asked.  
"When I was 18...? So, like almost three years ago? Yeah." I responded.  
"Oh wow, good memory."  
"Yeah... I guess you could say that. Peculiar question."  
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. I'm a pretty peculiar person." she said with a giggle. I shifted my eyes from the cube to look up at her, not realizing she did the same. Our eyes met and I smiled, immediately looking back towards the cube.  
"We're half way there." I said.  
"I know! I'm so excited. So, now we're solving  the middle layers, right?"  
"Yeahp. You're a fast learner." I said with a smile. My fingers brushed over hers, and hers brushed over mine, again and again. It felt like we were playing Twister with our fingers. The cube being the mat of colors, of course.  
"What got you so into rubik's cubes?"  
"Ehhh... I just had a lot on my plate at the moment. This was quite mind-boggling and distracting, I guess. I just found it in one of my math classrooms... towards the end of my senior year." I responded.  
"Family stuff?" she asked. Geez, she's so persistent.  
"I wish." I responded. "Hey, if I'm teaching you rubik's cube, you need to help me practice my Korean." I demanded jokingly.  
"No, you said you'd pay me with a million thank yous. You should start now."  
"Can we do this... five thank yous every hour? I can't do a million of them all in one sitting, ya' know?"  
"Ten an hour, then."  
"Deal. Thank you, thank you, thank you..." we both giggled. It's like we literally had nothing better to talk about. It was silly, but fun. I can't be my dorky self with many right off the bat.  
"Okay. Very well, servant. Here's your first lesson, as promised. Nuhnn gwi yup kko so nyeon ga teun mae ryego gi yi sso." she said, slowly. I found myself staring at the movement of her lips as she spoke. Gosh, I need to control my infatuation drives. Seriously.  
"Da fuq did you just say?" I asked laughing.  
"You have a cute boyish charm." she replied with a cute smile, as she scrunched up her eyes. I blushed. Is she flirting with me? "Nuhn is 'you', gui yup kko is 'are cute and' so nyeon ga teun is 'boyish' mae ryeo gi is 'charm' and yi sso is 'have' or 'are'." she explained.  
"Yeah, I knew Nuhn and yi sso.  Sweet. Thanks for the lesson, umm... princess."  
"Princess?" she asked with a chuckle.  
"Well yeah, you just pretty much made me your servant, and you're so demanding and persistent."  
"I am  not demanding... but I am a princess, though." she said jokingly.  
"Done." I said with a smile.  
"I need to write this down in my diary as an epic achievement." she said.  
"Definitely. An achievement of epic proportions. 'Rubik's cube epicness', should be the title." I said. She took her hands off of the cube and quickly got her diary.  
"So, you doodle and write in it?"  
"Mhhm." she said, focused in her writing. I looked at her as she continued to write. I put away my original cube, and started solving my shape rubik's.  Once she was done, she put her notebook away and snuggled back into her seat with my hoodie, looking at me as I worked through the cube.  
"I don't think I've ever had anything to distract myself with, really." she said. "Anything that seemed like a distraction was just taken away from me." she continued. I looked up at her and couldn't help but notice the light frown drawn on her face. 

I looked back down towards my cube and continued to work on it. "What do you mean?" I asked.   
"Family stuff." she responded. Maybe that's why she assumed it was family stuff with me, as well. Heh... not even close.  I looked back at her real quick. Still the same frown. She nuzzled her nose over one of the sleeves of my hoodie. "Remember when you asked me, how did I know all of those things about the company?" she asked.  
"Yeah, you told me your sister told you." I responded.  
"Yeah. She's Jessica from SNSD." I settled my rubik's cube on my lap. I looked up at her again. She said it with the same tone in her voice, the same expression -- as if it was nothing to her. She looked up at me once she noticed my gaze was set on her, for much longer this time. She gave me a quick, forced smile that quickly waned down to a frown again. I can sort of understand now -- just a bit -- what she meant by 'all the pressure'.  I didn't really know what to say. I worked up a quick smile. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions.  
"You should be proud then, right?" I said.   
"Proud...? Targeted is more like it." she said, annoyed at the mere thought.  
"Targeted?" I asked, as I put my rubik's away in my backpack. I curled up on my side as well, both curled up and facing each other, to give her my full attention.   
"Yeah, like... I'm just another item on their to-do list. It's not like 'go and do what you love, Krystal. Do what makes you happy.' No... it's more like 'do what you're _supposed_ to do. This is _expected_ of you. We don't really care if you enjoy it or not.' You know? And then, that's not even the worst part. I'm constantly being placed on a balance scale. My sister is on the right and I'm on the left. Every single day I get placed on this scale. 'Krystal, are you more like your sister today?' That's the question I face all the time. I can't just be me. I can't live up to my own expectations. I have to be like her. If I'm not like her, then I... I fail.  I'm a failure..." she word vomited an array of emotions right in my face. Her eyes watered up. I didn't know what to do.   
"Wow... I..."  was all my brain could mutter. I placed my hand on the sleeve of my hoodie that was underneath her cheek, and just grazed it up her cheek a little further to catch her tears as they fell. Her tears rolled without even thinking it twice. Her tears rolled...so fast. She has no chains on her emotions the way I do. Her emotions were free. She was free.   
"And here I am... and to be honest... I'm so scared, Amber. I'm so freaking scared, and nobody knows...nobody has ever known or will ever know..." she said, as more and more tears gathered at the tip of her chin. Her lips swelled and her eyes glistened. All I could do was listen. "...so yeah, distractions were not acceptable. I was pretty much bred for this -- to be perfect, and if I can't, then I'd fail everyone." She let her face drop over the palm of her hands.   
"Krystal..." I said. My hands started shaking. I wanted to comfort her. Up until now, I've only seen her so happy, so excited. To see her like this all of a sudden... I just wasn't prepared for any of this. I just did what I knew how to do best.  
  
Hold her.  
  
There was an arm rest dividing our seats. I removed it, and I knew she felt it, too. I knew she felt that she needed it. As soon as I lifted up the arm rest, she crawled up to me like a magnet, and sank her face into my shoulder.   
"I'm sorry... I just... I don't want you to see me crying anymore." she said, feeling embarrassed.  
"It's okay." I said, as I pat her head and back softly. "I'm actually kind of... envious."  
"Why?" she asked, as she sniffled into my shoulder.  
"I wish I could cry." I said. 

 

"What are you so afraid of?" she asked, as she awkwardly removed herself from my embrace and back into her seat.  She hastily rubbed off the remaining of her tears on my hoodie sleeves. She noticed me looking at her, and said "I'm so sorry for crying into your hoodie..." she looked up at me, still so embarrassed. Her puppy eyes looked so much more sad because of the puffiness from crying.

"Heh... don't worry about it. I don't mind, really."  I said, giving her a half smile. She curled up slowly back into her seat, snuggling into my hoodie, still embarrassed. She didn't know where to shift her eyes -- downward, sideways, upwards -- adorable.  
"Do you want it back?" she asked.  
"Ew. No. You cried all over it. Gross." I said, teasing her with a smirk. She couldn't help but smile a bit.  
"You're so mean!" she said pouting, as she shoved my shoulder lightly. She curled back up and hid half of her face into the hoodie. I laughed lightly, as I composed myself in my seat. I leaned on my back with my head thrown back. I turned my head towards her just to see her still hiding her face. I reach out and pull the hoodie down quickly to her chin.  
"No." she said, as she pulled it back up again to her nose. Heh, she was still pouting. I threw my head back again in my seat, looking upwards. Thinking about what she asked me. Trying to avoid it.  
"I'm not the type to talk about my feelings much, ya' know?" I finally said.  
"Huh?"  
"You asked me, 'what are you so afraid of?' and I'm answering." I said, with a constant shy smile on my face.  
"Oh wow. Amber is answering my questions. It's a miracle." she said, teasing me. I turned my head towards her, still with my shy smile.  
"I'm trying. Shhh." I said. She giggled lightly.  
"Okay, okay. Sorry... continue." she said.  
"Thank you." I said, as I turned my head back, looking upwards again. "So, yeah... It just makes me feel awkward... to feel too much. It's uncomfortable. Like... I just... I don't know."  I tripped over my words. Just the mere thought of talking about it puts my stomach in knots. I've never really talked about it to anyone... openly. Why should I start now?  "I lost someone."  I finally said, I gulped. "Someone I love very much."  Love. Yes. I love her now. I still love her.  I felt Krystal sit up in her seat, removing the hoodie away from her face. I refused to look at her.  "... and I just don't talk about it. No one knows. Just my sister, and well... now you, I guess." I sighed deeply.  "I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry because it brings back all of the memories... of that person being gone. I cried that day, like I've never cried ever before. It was horrible. It's like, after crying like that, crying put such a bad taste in my mouth."  I could feel Krystal's gaze pressed on me. "He..."  I said. I couldn't say a girl. I just couldn't.  "... was my first love. My first everything, and for reasons that I don't know or comprehend... he decided to hang himself in the janitor's closet at our school, a month before high school graduation." I said, trying to remain emotionless. I heard Krystal gasp, and through the corner of my eye, I could see her hold her hands to her mouth in shock.  "We... sort of had a secret relationship... so I couldn't tell anyone.  Until this day, I still don't know why, and that's what hurts the most, ya' know? No suicide notes, no build up, no nothing... I'm so confused. I cried in my room for hours on end. I wanted to do the same as he did. I thought about it so many more times than I could count... but I was so afraid of the thought of not existing anymore... but at the same time, it hurt so much to exist without him..."  My face went to a blank stare. It's my defense, my shield -- stare blankly, immediately erase all thoughts, wait for the pain to pass... as if. It's always there.  After several minutes, I turned my head towards her and worked up a smile. "Did I answer your question?"  
She sighed sadly and deeply "...you're in so much pain... Amber."  she said, as she looked into my eyes. My smile slowly turned back into a blank stare.  
"I'm okay." I said.  She placed her hands over my cheeks, holding my face in her hands gently.  
"You don't have to be in pain..." she said softly. Her sad puppy eyes looking directly into mine. My lips started to shake, my blank stare slowly breaking into nothing... my tears rolled. I cried so hard without making a sound.  Each tear making its way in between Krystal's fingers, into her palms... and she didn't care at all. She scooted closer towards me, as I broke down into her shoulder... and just silently cried. I cried like I did that day.  
  
 I cried in her embrace, like I've never cried ever before.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I open my eyes. I fell asleep.  
  
I hear her heartbeat. I feel her arms wrapped around my neck, holding me close against her chest. I must have drifted to sleep after all that crying. I can hear her breathe deeply. She fell asleep, as well. I slip out of her arms slowly, I lean back into my seat, and I look at her. I just look. She made me feel so... what's that word again?  
  
Vulnerable.  
  
I feel so fragile right now.  Like a single, thin and moist page in a book, ready to tear with the slightest pull. All of my walls are just rubble and dust. I have no protection whatsoever.  The way she held me in the palm of her hands, the way her eyes glistened with pain, for me. That wasn't pity. It was pure good ol' empathy. The really strong one.  I pick up my phone. My battery is close to being dead. 6:30AM. We slept all night.  
  
"Excuse me, would you like sausage or bacon?" asked one of the flight attendances. She was bringing us the breakfast.  Krystal made a soft whiny noise.  
"Bacon for me, please. Sausage for her?" I replied. I just figured, if she ended up wanting bacon, I wouldn't mind exchanging.   
"To drink?" she asked again.  
"Apple, and orange, please. Thank you."  I lift up the blind covering my window. It's dark outside. So dark. We're probably already in a totally different time-zone. Seoul is 17 hours ahead of L.A. So... it's about 11:30pm-ish?  I'm not usually hungry this early, really. I'm just still kinda... embarrassed, and she's not even awake yet. Her lips swollen from sleeping and her cheeks, blushed... she looks so peaceful. I instinctively reach one of my hands out towards her, and I gently brush to the side the hair that's hovering over her forehead. My fingertips continue to graze slowly down the side of her face, past her cheeks, to her chin. She lets out a soft smile as she gently moves her head to have her skin graze against my hand more, yet she was still deeply asleep. I wonder what she's seeing in her dreams after feeling that... wait. What the fuck am I doing? I move my hand away quickly and place it onto my lap. I scrunch up my pants in my hands tightly.  I need to compose myself.   
"... Amber?" she said my name in the most sweetest, sleepy voice ever. My eyes widen a bit at the idea of what just happened just a few seconds ago before she woke up.  Was she already awake and just pretending to sleep? I had a mini panic attack inside of me, that I was trying to hide as best as possible.  
"H-hey. Morning. How'd you sleep?" I asked, with a crooked smile. She rubbed her eyes, as she yawned and talked.  
"...Morning... mhhhm. I slept good..." after yawning, she reached out and placed her hand on mine. "Did you sleep well? Are you okay?" she asked with a worried tone in her voice, and with her half asleep puppy eyes trying to make eye contact with mine, but I didn't allow it.  
"Yeahp. All good here. You hungry?" I said, trying to be cheerful, quickly moving my hand from under hers. I prayed for her to not bring up anything I said last night. There was really no discussion about it. I just spilled myself all over her in one shot. There were no questions, really.  There was no clean up. I spilled myself, and then she just picked up what she could and placed it back in the cup. Everything around us is still quite messy. I didn't want to talk about it. I told her, and that's that.  She then turned her head towards the mini table in front of me that pops out of the seat in front of us. She noticed the bacon, the eggs, the toast, the sausages, the apple juice, and the orange juice.  
"Oh my god, yes. I'm starving." she said, her face lit up, as she sat upright. "Which one's mine?" she asked.  
"Nothing. It's all mine. Get your own." I said jokingly.  
"Really?" she said pouting, giving me those... god... those puppy eyes.  
"Nah, I'm just playing." I said chuckling. "Whichever. I picked both since I didn't know which one you wanted, so you could pick. I don't mind having either." I said.  
"You're such a freaking prankster." she said as she nudged my shoulder lightly, beginning to take one of the plates from my table, putting it on hers.  
"And _you're_ so gullible."  
"Am not."  
"Are too."  
"Am not."  
"Are too..."  
She turned around to look at me, giving me a death glare. All I could do was burst out laughing at her attempt to seem intimidating -- it was a short burst of laughter. I had to contain myself, because it looked like she was ready to punch me in the face. I poked her cheek to lighten things up. She turned around quickly to attempt to bite my finger.  
"Hey!" I said as I moved it away quickly. "You so violent, woman." I said, still laughing, lightly this time.  
"Am. not." she said, as she began to eat her breakfast. "If you say 'are too' again, I'll bite you." she warned me.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
"Let me see." she said, as she reached out for my hand. I hid it underneath my lap, pouting and refusing. "Amber, stop being so stubborn, let me see it."  
"No way. You're dangerous." I said, half joking.  
"Look, I'm sorry, but I warned you." she said, still pulling at my arm, attempting to slip my hand out from underneath.  
"Jesus, yeah, but I didn't think you'd bite me that hard." she couldn't help but giggle as she looked at my pouty face.  
"Yeah, well, that's what you get for being a prankster, now be a good servant, and do as I say, let me see."  
"Llama." I said, as I kept myself from facing her.  
"What?"  
"I am Llama, not servant." I said. I was definitely joking with her, but in all honesty, that shit hurt. Vicious little Korean woman, gawd. damn! I ain't letting her call me servant. Nu uh. She doesn't deserve that right now.  
"You're Llama?"  
"Yes, my face looks like a llama, my sister says." I explained.  
"Let me see..." she said, holding in a laugh. I turn around reluctantly. She busts out laughing after contemplating my face for a few seconds.  I turn back away from her quickly. I have a smirk on my face from her adorable laugh, but I refuse to let her see it. "Okay, servant Llama, give me your hand this instant."  
  
I sigh. She's too adorable, I can't help myself. So, I give in.  "Good servant Llama." she says, as she holds my hand in her hand, and pats my head with her other hand. I pout. "Aww, my poor servant Llama. I'm so sorry." she says, as she looks at the bite mark on my index finger. She rubs it as I just continue to pout. Then, suddenly, she takes my finger up to her lips. I widen my eyes a bit, looking at what she's about to do. She kissed it, gently. "All better?" she asked, smiling up at me, squinting her adorable eyes. I can't even begin to get upset at her. It's impossible, literally. I gulp and nod, answering her question.  
"And it's not servant Llama... it's Llama." I mumble underneath my breath.  
"Oh, I'm sorry, what did you say? I couldn't hear you over the sound of how I'M the princess."  
That's it. I am so not staying whipped, not that I don't enjoy it... no, no, no. Stop being a pussy. I turn over to her and give her a soft smile. She looks at me holding in a laugh, smiling as well.  Then, I quickly reach out my hands to her sides and tickle her briefly.  
"AHHH! hahahaha!" she squealed and jumped up a bit.  "Nuuuuu... stop, stop... ahaha... ehehe" she ends it with an adorable giggle, as I move my hands away.  
"Hi, I'm Krystal and I'm a princess" I say it, mocking her, trying to imitate her voice. She giggles more, shoves my shoulder, and then nods agreeing with what I just said. I shake my head slowly. "Unbelievable." I say with a faint laugh,  as I continue to eat my food, she laughs lightly, as well.   
"Are you going to finish that?" she asks, pointing at my eggs. I look up at her.  
"Yyyes." I say slowly, defending my territory. She pouts with a sad face.  
"Hmm... I want more eggs. Do you think they'll give me more if I ask?" I take my eggs on the fork.  
"Here, say ahhhhhh."  
"Really!?" she says excited, as she opens her mouth. She's like a spoiled brat, one that I don't mind, though.  
"Happy?" I ask. She nods, squinting her eyes as she chews. I smile softly at her, turning towards my plate again. She turns back to her plate as well, finishing her cup of juice. She turns back towards me, I can see her from the corner of my eye.  
"What are you thinking...?" she asked  "... like what are you thinking right this second?" she continued.  It is by far one of the weirdest and one of the most random questions anyone has ever asked me. Right this second? Like this second that just passed? Or this one?  
"Umm... I uhh..." I said as I turned towards her. "That this airplane food sucks, honestly." I finished.  She giggled and said "What about right now?" I stopped for a moment and took my time to look at her. A soft, subconscious smile sneaked out of me.   
"Hmm... what would I be doing right now if I were a Llama." she laughed at my response. I loved how she found me so hilarious. It was sweet. What I really wanted to say is that, she's beautiful. I know she wouldn't take it in any kind of way, but I would. I know my weakness, and it's women. I'm clearly physically attracted to her. Saying it to her out loud... nu uh.  
"Probably eating grass with your other llama buddies, and looking weird." she said  
"Llamas aren't weird. They're sexy. What do you know about that?"  
"So you're a sexy llama?" she asked. I smirked and raised an eyebrow, looking at her seductively, joking around.  
"You doubt it?" I said. She busted out laughing.  
"It does suck, though." she said.  
"Hm? Oh, the airplane food?" she giggled at my aloofness.  
"Yeah. Except the eggs, though."  
"You can have the rest of mine, if you want." I offered. She turned to me and gave me a warm smile.  
"You're too sweet, but I'm kinda full already."  
"What about you? What are you thinking?" I asked.  
"Right now?" she asked, and I nodded.  
"Well... I guess... still wondering if you're okay."  
"Oh..."  I said. Damn it. She's bringing it up again.  
"It's just... you told me that no one really knew. So, that means you've kept in all of that pain this whole time... isn't that exhausting?" she continued. I sighed. The flight attendant stopped by and picked up our plates.  We placed our mini tables back in place in the seat in front of us.  
"I'll be right back." I said, as I reached into my backpack for my toothbrush and toothpaste. "I need to go to the bathroom." I placed one hand on Krystal's head rest and another hand on the head rest of the seat in front of us, and I jumped myself over Krystal's legs and onto the hall way. I rushed to the stall.  I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I looked at myself in the mirror. What does she care? I brushed my hair back with my fingers. Soon enough, I started making faces in the mirror. I needed to lighten up to my normal Amber-self.  I walked out of the bathroom, only to bump into Krystal on my way out. Typical.  
"Uhh hi?" I said.  
"You took so long, I was wondering if the toilet has swallowed you in." she said, teasing me. Was she really coming out to the stall just to look for me? Uhh okay?  "Move, I need to use it." she said, waving her toothbrush all up in my face.  
"You're such a copycat." I said. So, guess she just came to brush her teeth, as well. On my way back to my seat, I see Jesse. I give him one of those head up salutes. "Sup." I say to him.  
"Oh hey girl! Oooh That breakfast was nasty!" he said.  
"You feel me?" I responded. He was reading a book. 'Tales of the City' the back cover read, by Armstead Maupin. Looked pretty focused in it, seems like he just took the second to say hey to me. "Good book?" I ask.  
"Oh yes. So far so gay!" he said cheerfully. "My boo gave it to me as a gift on my birthday, and I haven't had the chance to read it. Girl, if I get there and I haven't finished this..." he says jokingly. I chuckle and pat him on his shoulder as I make my way to my seat again.  
"How's it going with your boo?" he whispers to me from across his seat. Oh geez. I look both ways to see if Krystal was coming or hearing or anything. I shake my head.  
"Bruh, she's not my boo." I replied to him in a whisper, laughing quietly.  
"Uh huh." he said, going back to his book. Krystal comes back and sits down.  
"Hommie still thinks you're my boo." I mention to Krystal, laughing lightly as she gets comfortable.  
"Did you correct him and tell him you're actually my servant?"   
"And that you're an evil princess? No." I said. She gasped and pouted as she shoved my shoulder.  
"You think you're such a smart ass, huh?" she said.  
"Same goes to you, princess peach." I said, as I chuckled. I went into my backpack to get my phone charger, charge up my phone to see if I could listen to some music. She snuggled back up into my hoodie.  
"So, why was it a secret relationship? she asked. I paused for a second, then plugged my phone into the socket in front of me.  
"Well, because..."  I couldn't think of anything. "... our parents didn't want us together, I don't know why." I responded reluctantly.  
"Oh... do you have pictures?"  
"Not anymore..." I said.  
"Why?" she continued.  
"I erased them all..." I said softly with a sad tone in my voice. "Are your parents in San Fracisco?" I asked, changing the subject quickly.  
"No. They're in South Korea right now, with Jessica."  
"So you were in San Francisco all by yourself?" I asked shocked.  
"Well, not really. I was living in the dorms in UCSF."  
"Oh cool. How's dorm living? Isn't that where we're going right now?"  
"I think it's pretty neat, but mostly because I was just away from my family. But yes, we're going to be placed in dorms while training, and if you don't have -- like --  your own home to go to afterwards, then you can stay in the dorms, too."  
"Gotcha."  I got comfortable in my seat as I put one of my earbuds in. I didn't want to give the impression that I was trying to ignore her. I could see her do the same with her phone, putting in one of her earbuds, and opening her diary. It was time to draw again. Just half a day left until we reached Seoul.  
"Listening to crappy covers again?" I tease her with a smirk.  
"Nunya..." she answered and stuck her tongue out at me. I smiled as I looked down at her diary. This time, she was writing something, not drawing. I tried to take a dissimulated glance, trying to not let her notice.  
  
_...I am entirely and completely dissolved in a grain of a letter,_    
_in the soul of a verse.  
I am captured in the veins of a heartbeat..._

"Hey!" she said as she covered the page in her diary with one of her hands.  
"Sorry..." I said ashamed. "That was really good, though..." I continued.  
"... thanks." she said, as she blushed.  
"Poetry?" I asked.  
"Something like that."  
"Love poems?" I asked.  
"Ew no." she said as she shook her head and laughed lightly.  
"What?" I said with a sighed laugh. "What's so bad about love poems?"  
"I've never been in love, first of all, and... you shouldn't be the one to defend them, anyway. You said you don't like expressing feelings."  
"Just because I don't express them, doesn't mean I don't feel them." I said, defending myself. "Plus, I never said I didn't like to express them... just that it was hard for me to." I finished.  
"Well... either way..." she said, looking back down towards her diary still covering the pages with one of her hands. "...it's not love poems. It's just... feelings in general."  
"Like, how you're feeling right now?" I asked, curious.  
"Sort of, or... err... most of the time." she explained.  
"What are you feeling?" I asked.  
"Well... you read it!" she said, shoving my shoulder. It's become quite a habit, at this point. I can't blame her. I'm the most annoying person on the planet. I take pride in that, though.  
"Well... not really. I just took a quick glance. You should explain it to me." I insisted. She fidgeted with her lips, biting and pressing them together, looking down at what she wrote.    
 

  
 

She finally removed her hand to reveal the page to me.  
  
  
_Please, fill my days with gore and absence of righteous mind._    
_Please, devour my dreams, my hope, and everything I once  
believed in.   
I am entirely and completely dissolved in a grain of a letter,   
in the soul of a verse.   
I am captured in the veins of a heartbeat,   
So please,   
Kill me.   
Kill my motivation and vacuum my last breath.   
Discharge me of all my passions.   
Carve off my skin all of my senses.   
And relish my bones over a dry crypt,   
But please,   
Please,   
Spare me...   
The love. _

  
"You wrote this?" I asked, impressed. She nodded, embarrassed. I smiled at how shy she got -- her cheeks red, I poked them gently. "So... what does it mean? It sounds beautiful -- the words, but what does it really mean?" I asked.  
"I don't care if I lose everything I have and everything that I am... as long as I can feel love...I've never felt love." she said, with a defeated tone in her voice.  
"I mean, we're like, so young still... I mean, you're younger than me, I think. How old are you?" I asked.  
"I turn 19 this year on October."  
"Oh cool, close to mine. I turn 21 on September 18."  
"The 24th." she added.  
"So, yeah... see? You're so young. You have like, plenty of time to find love. Some people find love, and lose it, and find it again, and it repeats over and over, and over again. People re-marrying in their 50's... it's crazy." I said, as I laid my back in the corner of my seat, facing her.  
"I know but... that's the thing... I don't want to find it over and over, and over again. I want to find it once, and that be it. I know I'm young, but I feel like the older I get, the colder I'll get to the idea..."  
"Well, as people mature, they do begin to become cold towards the idea of love, because it's not just about butterflies anymore. It's about money, social hierarchy, how is this relationship going to benefit me, etc. ya' know? It just becomes less about the feelings, and more about other stuff that seem more important to you as an adult, I guess." I explained.  
"I know, and that's what I don't want... not that other things are not important." she said.  
"Yeah, and it doesn't have to happen to everyone... it happened to my parents, so that's kinda why I know, from a secondhand perspective." I mentioned.  
"Your parents?"  
"Yeah, my dad left before I was born. Guess the butterflies weren't enough, ya' know?" I said with a joking tone.  
"...I'm sorry. That sucks."  
"Meh. No big deal. I've never really met the guy, but I'm just saying -- there's an example right there: malfunctioning butterflies, coldness of adulthood, not even staying together for the kids."  
"Yeah...I don't want to get there."  
"But then again, you also find someone now, and then grow apart later, it happens."  
"I know... that's why I want to find the _right_ one now. If you do it before you grow cold, _and_ it's the right person, then... I mean... it's perfect." she said, with a hopeful tone in her voice.  
"Yeah... finding the right person in the peak of your innocence, sounds like a win win, definitely. Guess, that excludes me out of the party." I said with a light laugh.  
"You're still on time." she said, placing her hand behind my neck gently, trying to comfort me, since she knows exactly what I'm thinking about when I say that. I've already started to grow cold. The colder you grow, the harder it is to notice that right person, driving you into a loop. You might eventually find them years down the road, but gosh, wouldn't it be amazing to find them now, before the ice burnt you to nothing but a shell of yourself?  
 

"But I still don't understand, though..."  I said  "... not even high school romances or anything?" I asked. She shook her head, grazing her hand from my neck, to my shoulder, and back to her lap, in a swift move. I tried to ignore it.  
"Not even. I mean, I had crushes, but never corresponded, and it never became anything more than a few weeks' crush. He was cute, and that was it." she said.  
"How could no one correspond you? You're..."  I paused for a quick second... beautiful? No. Attractive? No. Pretty? Yeah. That's it. Pretty "...you're pretty." I said, trying to not make it so obvious that I've been checking her out lately. She smiled.  
"Thank you, but it has nothing to do with looks. More so... people just don't take the chance to get to know me, the real me. I just don't seem that interesting from far away." she explained. She definitely looks like the very quiet, shy girl from afar. Maybe even cold. Heh. If only they knew, I thought to myself with a smile.  
"Well, I think they missed out." I give her a warm smile. I turn my face away from her quickly after saying that, because I just know how to make everything so awkward.  
"...you think?" she asked, as she made doodles on the corner of the paper in her diary.  
"I _know_... well, sort of.  From what I do know so far, I'd say they're missing out." she smiled and looked up at me from her diary.  
"You're so lucky to have loved the way you did, and have him love you back."  
"Heh... nah. I'm not."  
"Of course you are, he didn't take the chance to miss out on you." she assured me.  
"Believe me, Krystal, it's not true, the whole: 'better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all'.  It's bs. The pain of loss is more unbearable than the pain of never losing, never having. These memories evaporate so quickly, faster than you think; and the pain... _that's_ where it comes from, from the strain you put on yourself on trying to hold on to them so desperately, to those memories... but it's hopeless." I explain... my voice slowly becoming gloomy. She frowned at me, seeing the pain that I was still in. I sighed. "Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer..." I said with a light laugh. I reached into my backpack for the water bottle.  
"Not at all. I really like talking with you... errr listening to how you feel. I'm flattered." she said. I chuckled. My keys dropped out of one of the pockets from my backpack. They dropped by accident as I was taking out my bottle of water. She reached down and picked them up for me.  
"Who's this?" she asked, as she was handing me back my keys, she saw the picture of me and Jackie on the keychain she gave me.  
"Oh, that's my sister Jackie." I said.  
"The one who calls you a llama?" she asked with a small laugh.  
"Yeahp, the only one I got." I clarified.  
"Are you older?" she asked.  
"Nope, she is. She's awesome, though. The best, really. I started missing her the moment she opened the door of the car to take out my luggage." I smiled, looking at the picture, and then quickly started putting my keys away. When I looked up, I caught Krystal looking at me, smiling.  
"What?" I asked, with a clueless look on my face.  
"Nothing." she continued to smile, as she went back to her diary. I went back to listening to music. Between talking, eating, and talking some more, it was getting close to lunch.  Soon after, we would be a little bit less than half a day closer to Seoul. Even though it was close to the afternoon on my clock, it was pitch black outside. It all felt way too weird. It's so easy for your body to want to drift off back to sleep when it's looking at the stars, once you're super full from eating, not much to do, and just replaying the same song over and over. 'One Love' by Super Junior.  
  
["One Love" - Super Junior](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-PGcJOTjyY)  
...  
...  
...

'Do you want love? And I want love... The memories are beautiful... Please come back to me, girl...'  
...  
...  
...  
  
"Amber..." said a familiar voice. I'm standing in the middle of my empty bedroom. I walk towards my closet. Empty. What the freak...? Where's all my shiet? I'm turning towards every single corner of the room, all of it empty... and then suddenly, she appears right before me.  
"Soyeon?" I say surprised, with fear, with excitement. She smiles at me with a nod. She takes one of my hands in hers, and kisses my palm... like always. My eyes widen, my jaw is slightly dropped in surprise, in wonder. Did the plane crash? Am I in heaven? "I've missed you so much... why did you leave? Why did you leave _me_...? I had no inkling... at all..." I tell her, demanding answers.  
"I miss you, too. I'm so sorry..." was the only answer she could fathom. "Kiss me..." she said, as she slowly slid both her hands up my collar, wrapped them around my neck. I could feel the heat of her body enrapturing my own. She didn't remove her gaze from mine, not for a second. Her lips, swollen, approached mine slowly, but surely. An uncertain feeling came over me... when suddenly.  
"Krystal?" I whispered over her lips in surprise. She was no longer Soyeon, but Krystal... her lips pressed against mine before I could mutter another word. I didn't think twice before I returned the kiss, gently placing my hands over her waist, bringing her in closer.  
...  
...  
...

"Amber..."

Her fingers sinking into my hair behind my neck, gently.  
  
"Amber..."  
  
'... I don't ever wanna say goodbye... one love...'  
  
This has to be heaven.  
  
...  
  
"Amber..." said Krystal, her gentle voice waking me up. 

                                                                           
  
The scene evaporated before my eyes, the touch on my lips vanished. She had removed one of my earbuds. 'One Love' still playing on my other ear. I opened my eyes to see her looking right at me. I froze. "Amber, you slept through lunch..." she giggled. "Aren't you hungry, at all? They're bringing dinner in a little bit, we're almost there." she said, as she handed me a water bottle. I rubbed my eyes, still a little disoriented.  
"I'm pretty hungry... yeah." I said... but for something else.  
  
Something else.  
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. This chapter is still not complete, so stay tuned and look out for updates. =) It is probably going to be just as long as the first chapter. Like I said before, I like to take things steady make things very elaborate. Expect some heart warming, painful, crying, and sexy moments in this chapter. =) I hope to fulfill any and all of your expectations. If you have any suggestions, or scene requests that you'd like to see happen, please e-mail me at:
> 
> scordero@outlook.com


	3. Culture Sh -- err Love Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally! We're here! But wait, oh no. What did he say? Korean everywhere. Good thing Krystal is there to help Amber understand.  
> In this chapter, Amber and Krystal meet the F(x) gang, Luna, Sulli, and Victoria. Watch their first impressions and interactions unfold. Then, follow Amber, as she tries to get away from the overwhelming of it all by going out to dance, and taking Krystal with her.

 

 

_Culture Sh -- err Love Shock_

_ _

 

I look out the window as I finish the last of my dinner. It's bright as day, yet my clock strikes close to 6:00PM. I turn over to Krystal, "Hey, what's the Seoul time -- like the exact time -- do you know?"  
"No, actually. I haven't set my watch yet. All I know is that it's 17 hours ahead of L.A." she responded.  
"Yeah, that's all I know, too... are you done eating?" I ask her, looking at her plate. She barely ate, and didn't look like she was working on it anymore either.   
"Umm... yeah, I guess I was still kinda full from lunch." she said.  
"Oh. What did you say they served for lunch again?" I asked.  
"You got two options: noodles with chicken, or rice with chicken."  
"Which one did you pick?"   
"Rice. I love rice." she said with a giggle. I smiled at her.  
"Yeah, I probably would have picked the rice, too. Some tacos would have been better, though."  
"You really love tacos and burritos, don't you?" she laughed lightly.  
"What's not to love?" I said, as I drank some water. She began to drink, as well. I pushed her cup upwards as she drank, making her spill a bit, some going up her nose, drops rolling down her neck.  
"Hey! Oh my god! Amber!" she squealed as I chuckled.   
"Hey, you're the copy cat here. Brushing your teeth when I'm brushing, drinking when I'm drinking." I joked.  She took some of my napkins to wipe herself. I helped by drying up her neck area. She shivered as I lightly grazed the skin of her neck with one of my fingers by accident.  A sensitive spot.   
  
She ignored it.  
  
So did I.   
  
She cleared her throat, as she composed herself.   
"Well, aren't _you_ self centered?" she said, joking back.   
" _And_ I also kinda couldn't help it, it was just too easy."  
"My actions don't revolve around you, servant. I'm the royalty here." I began to drink from my cup of water, ignoring what she just said on purpose, to tease her some more.  Suddenly, she tilted  _my_  cup as I was drinking. Did not expect that. Did not expect her to be so bold. I busted out into laughter, feeling the water go up my nose, spilling it all over me while still laughing.   
"Revenge?" I asked, as I sprinkled the water from my finger tips onto her face. She shoved my shoulder.   
"Oh my gawd! You're so annoying!" she said, as she laughed.   
"Like, oh my gawd! You're so annoying!" I mocked her. She pouted, and I poked her cheek gently. "Now look, I'm all wet. No pun intended." I said. She giggled, when she heard that.  
"Yeah, well I'm wet, too. Because  _someone_ is still seven years old." she said. I laughed, as I handed our plates over to the flight attendant who was passing by with the garbage bags.  

 

GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE. THIS IS YOUR PILOT SPEAKING. WE ARE NOW GETTING READY TO LAND. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE SEATBELT NOTIFICATION AND PLEASE TURN OFF ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES.  SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA: 11: 36AM, CLEAR SKIES, 75 DEGREES, PERFECT WEATHER. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CHOOSING US TO TAKE YOU SAFELY TO YOUR DESTINATION. HAVE A GREAT REST OF THE DAY.

 

Me and Krystal both looked at each other and smiled. It was almost as if we both communicated by telepathy to each other the amount of excitement we were feeling.  And then it hit me. While looking at her smile, my eyes were automatically drawn to the tracing of her lips.  I kissed them in my mind. My brain actually had the balls to recreate that in my head. Not only did I kiss her, but I enjoyed it. I pulled her in closer. Bad Llama. Bad.   
  
"Amber?" she asked with a smirk on her face, giving me a confused look.   
"Huh? Yeah?" I answered.   
"You space out a lot, I see. Excited?" she asked with a giggle.  
"Yeah no, I ummm... yeahp. Super excited." I said, trying to be smooth about it, but... let's face it... what is seen cannot be unseen. I won't be able to help but think about that kiss whenever I look at her lips. However imaginary, my mind recreated a feeling so real. I could still feel that touch burning on my lips...

...and then there was Soyeon. Weird.

What was _that_ about? Why did Soyeon suddenly turn into Krystal? A part of me still wishes she hadn't turned into her, but then I had no objections once she did.

I rubbed my face from my chin all the way to my hair, stroking it with my fingers, all the way to the back of my head. Excitement turning into uneasiness.   
  
I'm in another country.  
  
I look back outside the window -- miniature roads, buildings, trees... looked like a Pokemon mini map from up here. I look back over at Krystal.  She seemed much less nervous than me. Well, then again, she did say her family lives here.   
  
"Krys, you've been here before already a couple of times, right?"   
"Oh yeah. Not as much, but a couple. Usually during Holidays or whenever my sister is having a major concert, but not every year. I'll come for a couple of months, whenever unnie can afford it for me." she explained. "This time, I guess it's permanent." she said.   
"Yeah... so I guess you're a little bit less nervous than I am?" I ultimately wondered.   
"A bit. I don't know exactly how nervous you are.  I'm trying to disguise it, pretending it's just another Holiday trip to see my parents, but we'll see how long that'll last." she said jokingly with a chuckle.   
"Yeah... after it all starts to sink in." I said, chuckling as well.   
"So, how nervous are you?" she asked. I stroked my hair back once again, with both of my hands this time, clasping both hands together behind my neck. I blew up my cheeks with air and exhaled.   
"Puuuuurty nervous."  I said with a light laugh.   
"You're such a weirdo." teasing me and giggling. "Well, don't be..."  she said, as she placed one of her hands on my shoulder.  "... if you ever need a reminder that everything will be okay, just let me know."  she finished saying, as she gave me a warm smile. I turned over to her and smiled in return.

The plane landed without a problem, we made it quickly through customs soon after getting our luggage. I felt so out of place stepping out of the plane and into the Seoul airport. It was literally all Asians. Everywhere. But I'm Asian, as well. So, why should I have to feel so weird about all of this? Maybe because I was so used to the diversity of back home -- to just seeing a few Asians here and there and going 'oh sweet! They're Asian just like me. How cool!'  Here, it's just like... what group do I belong to now? What can I identify with now? What am I really doing here...?  My mind just went in circles around itself, drifting into an entire galaxy of thoughts that just raced through my mind like a billion shooting stars; and then suddenly, I see my name written on a sign.   
  
"Hey! That's us!"  Krystal shouted with excitement. She grabbed my hand and pulled me with her towards the sign -- I mentioned just the sign, because I didn't even notice someone holding it. I literally thought for a split second that the sign was just floating there in mid air with my name on it. That thought literally inhabited my brain. I need to stop spacing out. And of course, Krystal's name was on it, as well, but I barely noticed it until we got closer.   
  
"Hey! Glad you guys could make it safe! Let me get that for you."  said the guy holding the sign. He put the sign away and started grabbing our bags as he walked towards the vehicle.  As I was following him and Krystal, I saw Jesse. I tried to wave, but he was way too distracted to even notice me. He was hugging someone, I'm guessing that's his 'boo'. I smiled and chuckled to myself. Shit, I'd be distracted, too. I'd be like, da fuq did the world go? Everything around you sort of just vanishes in those moments, and it's only you and that person, and no one else. The guy continued to pack our things into the car. I could hear him exchange some small conversation with Krystal in Korean.   
  
"Soojung, you've grown so much since last I saw you! Look at you! Gorgeous just like your unnie!" the guy said, Krystal bowed at him with a faint smile.  
"Soojung?" I asked.  
"It's my Korean name."  she explained. "I actually like it more than Krystal..."   
"Oh... why didn't you tell me then?" I wondered.  
"Well..." she giggled "...it's cause you barely know Korean. I didn't want to make you call me something in another language. I didn't want to give you hard time." she said.  
"Pshhh! Nonsense. I don't mind at all!" I said with a huge grin. "Soojungie."  
"Soojung..."  she corrected me, turning her head towards me and pouting. I gave her a smirk begging innocence. I looked her right in the eyes and I slowly said "So-o-j-u-n-g-i-e." and stuck my tongue out at her. She gave me a death glare, and I just kept smiling at her.  I turned over to where Jesse was... still hugging. They must have been hugging for like five minutes. The most sincere hugs are always in an airport, it seems. When people leave, when people arrive. I'm thinking back on my mom and Jackie... I miss them already. I sighed as I got into the car in the back seat together with Krystal.   
  
"Oh! Amber! Sorry, I didn't get a chance to introduce myself." said the guy, as he looked at us through the rear mirror. "I had to move the car quickly from the terminal area, since I couldn't find parking. My name is Jang, and I will be your trainer for the next few months!"   
"Awesome! Nice to meet you! You gonna teach us how to get down and stuff?" I asked.   
"Get down?" he asked confused.  
"Yeah, you know... vibe, own it, work it..."   
"Amber... just... no... stop..." Krystal interrupted, giggling at me.  
"What?" I asked with a clueless look on my face.  
"What she means is, how to dance and look good on stage." Krystal clarified.  
"Oh! I see! I see! Yes! Exactly!" said Jang, smiling at the realization. "Very Americanized, Amber, mhhm very, very."  he said nodding his head.  His English is so good that I forget I'm not in SoCal anymore.  "Are you two very tired? There will be a reception party at 8:00PM. It's almost 12:00PM now, so you have plenty of time to relax and get ready. I will drop you off at the dormitories, and there you will have everything you need." Jang explained, as he drove down the highway. I looked at Krystal waiting for her reaction. She looked back at me, apparently waiting for me to say something, as well.   
"Well... umm, I mean... I slept all night and all day. I'm not really sleepy. A shower would be nice." I said. "I just don't know if you're tired or not, since you didn't nap in the afternoon like I did." I continued, looking at Krystal, waiting for a response.  
"I'll go if you go. I don't mind. Honestly, I'm kind of excited with this all finally starting. I'm a little ball of adrenaline right now." said Krystal, as she took out her diary.   
"Yeah, we'll go." I said to Jang.   
"Great! I will pick you up at 7:30PM then!" he responded. "We're almost there. Short ride home."  
  
"Writing again?"  I asked Krystal, as I turned to her seeing her scribbling in her diary.  
"Mhhmm, gotta keep it all up to date. I want to remember how I finally became an idol. Every single step of the way." she said, without stopping her pen, not for one second.

We got there, and it kind of looked like a summer camp, at least from the outside. A lot of young teens hanging out around the entrance gate. It was sort of like a picketed fence, but metal like.   
"It looks like the dorms back at UCSF." Krystal said to me, as we were getting out of the car.   
"Come, this way please." said Jang as we placed our luggage on a trolley. Everyone was starring at us, especially at me. Except, they looked at me with a confused look and looked at Krystal with excitement, waving at Krystal, as if they knew her already. She smiled lightly at them and bowed. She was shy. I was just _there_ , being awkward, as always. We walked past the door and into the hallways.   
"And here it is. This is your room, Amber."  said Jang.   
"Just mine?" I asked.   
"Hi!" a girl opened the door before Jang could even touch the knob. She literally popped out of the door like a jack-in-the-box, except no music.   
"Haha! Luna! Excitable as always! Amber, this is Luna. Luna, this is Amber; she will be your roommate." said Jang. I looked over at Krystal, with a bit of worry.  
"Wait... so, Krys... I mean... Soojung won't be my roommate?" I asked.   
"They advised us best this way, since Luna does not know much English. This will push you to speak Korean." Jang explained. Well, fuck me. This is just great. I sighed inside of myself. I lazily waved goodbye at Krystal as I walked inside of my bedroom.   
"I'll come get you in a little bit after I settle in, don't worry." Krystal reassured me, as Jang began to close the door. I stood there, staring at the closed door without knowing what to do. I felt a hand tap on my shoulder, turning me around.  


 

[Amber & Luna Relationship ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC3F5R47JLE)

"Hey. Don't worry. Be Happy." said the girl, smiling and squinting her eyes at me. Did this chick just quote Bob McFerrin?   
"Uhh... yeah." I said, forcing enthusiasm.   
"What's your name again?" she asked.  
"Amber." I said.   
"Ambah?" she asked.  
"Am-b-er."  I said.   
"Am-b-ar." she tried.  
"Close enough. And your name?"  
"Sun Young, but call me Luna." she said.   
"Mmmk. Hey Luna. Nice to meet you." I said, attempting to re-introduce myself with a huge smile on my face. Her face turned from a curious look to a sudden huge smile in return.   
"Nice to meet you, too! Ambah!" she said, pronouncing my name again like that. "Hey, look." she continued, pointing to my side of the room, and showing me my bed. It really _was_ dorm style. We each had a side, a huge drawer, a desk, a closet, and a bed.  I nodded at her with a smile, and sat on my bed. She went back to her desk, sitting on her laptop.  I looked around the room, strategizing in my head how I was going to organize all of my stuff, when suddenly, I saw it. A guitar. I haven't played guitar in such a long time, ever since Soyeon accidentally dropped mine and broke it that one time.   
"Hey, is that yours?"  I asked her. She turned around curiously, and saw me pointing at the guitar.  
"Umm well, I don't play it. I'm learning." she said. "For a play."    
"Do you mind?" I asked.   
"Oh no, no, no. Go ahead." she said smiling. She's so cheerful . More so than Krystal. It was nice, good vibes. I picked up the guitar, and started playing the intro to 'Don't Worry Be Happy'. It was in my head, ever since Luna quoted it. I could hear her humming in the background. I looked up at her and smiled.

["Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU)

"You know the lyrics, don't ya'? You quoted them earlier." I said. She turned around and smiled at me, nodding as she just started singing the chorus. With my eyes still on her, I gave her an even bigger smile in amazement. Her voice is amazing. I started harmonizing with her, when suddenly someone knocked.  We both laughed ending the song. Yeahp. Chica has the music in her fo sho.  I got up and opened the door.   
"I didn't know you played guitar." said Krystal, smiling at me, seeing the guitar in my hands. "I thought _she_ was the one playing."  
"Well, I mean, I'm a rookie. I don't play too well." I explained. Still standing at the entrance, she leaned on the door frame. Still looking at me, still smiling. I smiled back... She then looked past me and waved at Luna. She said something to her in Korean, and Luna laughed.   
"What? What'd you tell her? You said it so fast. No fair." I complained.   
"I told her you stink. Let's go shower." she said teasing me. I sniffed my underarm.  
"I don't stink." I said, as I placed the guitar down on my bed, gathered my toiletries and followed her out the door. 

"Who's your roommate?" I asked, as we walked down the hall way.  
"Sulli. She's nice. A bit shy."   
"Like  _you're_ not shy." I said. She bumped hips with me, pushing me a bit to the side as we continued to walk towards the showers.  
"I'm not shy." she said, defending herself.  "Just introverted."    
"Are too..."  
"Don't start..." she growled jokingly at me. 

We walked into the showers. There were four shower stalls. They were behind a wall that separated the stalls from the corridor where the door was, which led to the halls. The stalls were kinda like bathroom stalls where you can see the person's feet, except no doors. Just a curtain for each stall. Right next to the curtain, a holder to put your clothes. Looks a tad bit uncomfortable. I'd have to either change inside the stall once I'm done -- which is going to be wet -- or change in my room and just ask my roommate to not look. I had to plan this out and think about this, since I had to make some kind of routine about it. I'd be doing this everyday for a few months, or more if I decided to stay in the dorms for even longer than that.  I walked into my stall. Krystal's stall being right in front of mine. I could see her feet from underneath. I stood there, still a bit uncomfortable.   
"I guess this isn't really new for you, huh?"  I asked.  
"The shower stalls?" she asked.  
"Yeah."  
"Nope. Do this like everyday back home, pretty much." she chuckled. "I know, it's a bit awkward, but you'll get the hang of it." I couldn't stop staring down at her feet, when suddenly I see her slip her legs from out of her underwear.  I gulped. I felt my face getting so red.   
"Yeah, not used to showering with... like other chicks... err people in the same room." I said.   
"Oh this is nothing compared to the Japanese onsens."   
"The what?"   
"The onsens? They're public baths. You actually bathe in front of everyone out in the open."  
"Are you fucking serious?"  
"Yah!" she said laughing, hearing my reaction.  
"You've been to those?"   
"Nope, not yet. I want to, though."  
"Well, you have fun." I said.  
"Oh come on, you have to try everything at least once." she said, as she cut open the water. As soon as she did that, the sound of the running water relaxed me a bit. So, I started undressing.   
"The word 'everything' is a very, very broad word." I said.   
"Oh, I know. I know." she said, with a mischievous undertone. 

After I was done showering, I stood there for a while debating between changing in the stall or going back to the room.  Suddenly, through the small openings on the sides of the shower curtain, I saw Krystal step out of her stall in her towel. Holy balls. She's getting dressed. She's getting dressed. Holy mother fuck...

"Hey, Amber?"  
"Y-yeah?"  
"I'm getting dressed out here real quick. Just FYI."  
"Uh... y-yeah. That's a good idea." I said, shifting my eyes upwards, downwards, sideways, trying so hard not to stare.  
"Yeah, don't want to change directly in the shower, it's wet in there; and I don't want to change in the room with Sulli either." she explained.  
"Yeah, me either. I mean, and there's a wall right there. If we do it quick, should be no problem. That's a real good idea." Oh yeah. Super great idea. I caught myself looking again... her back facing me, perfectly curved, perfectly smooth, milky smooth.   
"So, looking forward to that reception party?" she asked as she turned around towards me. I quickly turned around as well to give her my back. She was still braless and I didn't want to see -- well of course, I did but I knew it wasn't right. This is just not nice. At all.   
"Umm yeah... are you done?" I asked, trying to rush her to get dressed. I could no longer take this torture. I'm trying to be the good Llama here, but she is making this so hard.   
"Oh yeah, almost. You need to come out to get dressed, too?" she asked, so innocently. Yeah. That's _exactly_ why I need you to hurry up. sarcasm dripping from my mind.   
"Yeahp." I responded.  
"Yeah, I'm almost done. But yeah, I think we're supposed to meet the fifth member of our group at the reception."  
"What do you mean 'the fifth'? We haven't even met the third."   
"Oh come on, Amber. It's so obvious it's Luna and Sulli, and these k-pop groups run in fives, most of the time." she explained.  
"Okay, k-geek. Move it along." I teased her.  
"I'm going, I'm going."  
"Oh hey, one more thing. You still have time to take a quick nap before the reception tonight." I mentioned.  
"Yeah, I think I might just do that... what are you going to do?" she asked, as she began walking past the wall.   
"Probably try to hit up my mom and sister."   
"Cool beans. See ya' at the reception, I guess."  
"See ya' -- oh actually, could you stop by my dorm later and help me find something to wear?" I asked, a bit embarrassed.  
"Umm sure?" she said with a chuckle.  
"Yeah... I'm not very good with fashion... don't judge me." I said with a shy laugh.  
"Okeydokey, I'll be there like at 6:30ish." she said.  
"Sweet! Thanks. Cya."  
   
I turned back around to find an empty space out through the curtain. I cut open the shower again for some cold water. I threw my head back, closed my eyes and let the water hit my face. She set me off. I _needed_ to cool down. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
"Yo Llamaaaa." said Jackie through the skype call.   
"Sup dork."I said.  She smiled at me.  
"Mom isn't here. She's at church." she filled me in right away, knowing I would ask.    
"But it's the middle of the week, basically. What the hell is she doing at Church?"  
"Something about helping prepare some Spring events or something, I don't know. I don't care." she said with a light laugh. "Soooo... ?" she continued.  
"So what?" I asked.   
"So, tell me everything! How was your flight? What's happened?" she asked with excitement.   
"My flight was nice. I met the other trainee and --"  
"Is she hot?" she asked, interrupting me.   
"Why are you such a bad influence on me? No. She's cute."   
"Oh boy... you think she's cute. That means you've been getting to know her. This is beyond shallowness. Ohhhhh boy." Jackie teased me.  
"Will you listen, woman? She's nice. Let's leave it at that."  
"Nice to look at." she just doesn't know when to stop, kind of like me.  
"Okay wing man... like I was saying -- I slept most of the flight, and then we met our group's trainer, Jang. He's actually going to pick us up in a bit to go to a reception party or some shit. I also, apparently, met one of the other girls in the group. Her name is Luna. She's my roommate. Krystal is..."  
"That's the cutie's name?" she asked, interrupting me again.  
"...anyway. Krystal is rooming in with this other chick, but I haven't met her yet..." 

Me and Jackie talked for hours. Most of it was just her teasing me. She wouldn't drop the whole 'me calling Krystal cute' thing. She knows me so well. She knows how I fall head over heels for girls I usually call cute, because she knows that the ones I deem as cute are usually my type, but I mean... after Soyeon -- those other girls were just flings, distractions. A girl being just cute never went beyond just being my type. In other words... they were just my type, and it never went anything deeper than that.  We talked about Esteban, we talked about mom, and we talked about her visiting sometime real soon. "We could sleep in the same bed" she said. I'd probably kick her off the bed in my sleep. Knowing my hogging self, and the fact that these beds are twin size, sounds like something that would most likely happen. 

"Is your mother?" Luna asked as she leaned into my desk from hers.  
"Umm no..." I busted out laughing. "This is my adopted sister, Jackie." I said, with the most serious tone I could fathom.  
"I'm going to kill meh a Llama tonight." Jackie sang jokingly.  
"Adopted?" Luna said in amazement. I laughed.  
"Nah, I'm just playin'. Sadly, she is my blood sister. Hard to believe, but yes."  
"Hey!" Luna said excitedly as she waved into the camera. Jackie waved back.  
"Amber farts and snores in her sleep." Jackie said.  
"What the fuck dude. No I don't. Don't listen to her, Luna. She doesn't even sleep with me back home." I defended myself with a chuckle. Luna looked kind of clueless. Didn't seem like she understood that last part.  
"Alrighty, Llama. I'm hitting the sack. Be good."  
"Alright. I'm always a good Llama. Peace out." 

Suddenly, a knock on the door. Luna went to open it, and there she was. Krystal stood at the door dressed in simplicity, but for some reason, she still looked so stunning. Who would have thought that this girly chick could pull off some plaid with jeans, and still look this gorgeous?

 

                                             

 

"Hi! ~~" said a girl who popped from behind Krystal's shoulder.   
"Su-su-su-sulli!" said Luna in a playful tone, as she stood up from her chair to hug her.  
"Hey Luna." said Krystal. "Amber..."  she said to me, tilting her head and giving me a smirk.    
"Sup." I said, giving them both a short wave.  
"This is Sulli.  Sulli, this is Amber."   
Sulli reached out her hand to give me a handshake. As we shook hands, she kept looking at me weird. She then quickly returned over to Luna. Looked like they were going to do each other's make up or something.  I looked back over to Krystal to see her walking up to me.   
"Ready?" she smiles cheerfully at me, squinting her eyes. She looked adorable.   
"It already looks like you're going to enjoy this way too much." I said.  She giggled as she started looking through my wardrobe. In the background, I could hear Luna and Sulli whispering to each other in Korean. They were giggling, and they kept looking over at me, as if I was some kind of weird specimen or something. It felt like they were checking out a guy playing basketball, soccer or whatever sport, and _I_ was the guy. I felt uncomfortable. I was already feeling self conscious thinking that _that's_ what they were probably whispering about. 

I turned back around to see what Krystal was up to, if she had found something for me to wear or not. As soon as I turned around to face her, she held a set of clothes right in my face.  
"Oh... Hello." I said.   
"This." she said firmly.   
"Uhh, yes ma'am -- Princess." I took the clothes in my hands and walked out to the bathroom to change.

 

\------------------------------------In Amber's Absence-----------------------------------

 

  
"Unnie, looks like an oppa!" said Sulli, giggling.   
"Yah! But a cool oppa!" said Luna.   
"I thought she was a boy when I first met her." said Krystal.  
"So handsome." said Sulli.  
"I think we should call her unpa!" said Luna  
"Unpa!? I don't think she'll like that..." said Krystal.  
"Then, maybe Hyung?" asked Sulli.  
"Haha! So it makes us seem like we're her little brothers and she's the big brother?" asked Krystal.  
"Yeah! So it's still like she's an oppa, but that way she doesn't feel like we're excluding her. We would also be boys!" Luna laughed.   
"You two are ridiculous. She probably won't even get it. She's barely learning Korean." explained Krystal.

[(Oppa? Unnie? What the fuck are you talking about, Sophia?)](http://seoulistic.com/korean-culture/what-it-means-to-be-oppa-unnie-hyung-noona-older-in-korea/)

\-------------------------------------In Amber's Presence---------------------------------  


I walked back into the room to find them all giggling and laughing, but when they turned over to look at me, they piped down, stared for a few seconds and then smiled.

 

                                                                    

 

 

Krystal threw me a huge, huge smile.   
"Woooow. Unnie! You look so handsome!" said Luna.  
"Wait what...?" I asked  
"They don't mean it like that... it just means you're cool-looking." Krystal explained.  
"Hyung! Handsome!" said Sulli.  
"Uhh yeah. Thanks... I guess." I shrugged and smiled at them.   
"I did a great job, don't you think?" asked Krystal.   
"I'd say. If they're impressed, then you probably did." I said. She smiled at me, walked over to me and started messing with my hair, stroking it in place. "I mean, that's not to say I'm still not sexy as hell without your fashionable help -- ow!" I said, as she lightly pulled my hair a bit.  
"Oh hush." she stuck her tongue out at me.   
"We should go wait out at the front for when Jang comes to pick us up." I suggested. They all nodded.  
"Good idea." said Luna, as she passed by me tapping my head, walking out the door.   
"Hyung, Hyung!~~" said Sulli as she walked out the door, as well. Krystal giggled and shook her head, walking out the door after them.  
"What's so funny?" I asked as I followed.  "And what does Hyung mean?"

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

  
"Ok girls, follow me." said Jang, as he opened the door for us to enter the reception.  We walked in and there was no music. No. Music. I thought this was a party. There was food, so I guess that's cool. For some reason I just figured, since this is a K-pop or whatever reception party, there'd be... like dancing music. I was so in the mood for it. Meh... disappointed.  "Victoria!" said Jang, as he tapped a girl's shoulder, turning her around and embracing her in a friendly hug.   
"Jang oppa!" said the girl. Jang, turned around towards us and pointed.  
"These are your dong-saengs!" said Jang, introducing us. "Amber, Sulli, Luna, and Krystal. This is Victoria." he continued. Victoria shook all of our hands. "She will be the group leader, and of course, we will discuss this all in more detail tomorrow, but for now, please relax! Have fun! Let me know if you all need anything." he finished saying, as he walked away. Krystal slowly scooted behind me, laid her chin on my shoulder and whispered "See? I told you." I turned my head down to look at her, she stuck her tongue out at me. "See? I told you." I mocked her in her voice. She bit my shoulder lightly and scooted away. I laughed lightly as I looked at that pouty face she makes.   
"Ohhh you're Chinese!?" I heard Luna ask. Chinese?  
"Hey hey, you speak Chinese?"  I asked excited.  
"Yeah, yeah. A bit hard to speak Korean and English, but learning." she explained.  
"That's so cool! I speak Chinese, too! My family is from Taiwan." I said, still excited. We exchanged a quick joke in Chinese and laughed, while the rest kind of looked at us like, what the fuck. I looked over at Krystal and she didn't look too amused, either. I walked back over to her, as the others continued to chat with each other in Korean.  
"Hey... my Chinese is not that good either. I mean, it's better than my Korean." I said to Krystal, as I chuckled.  She gave me a faint smile, and said nothing. What's up with her?  
Suddenly, I heard a voice coming from a microphone...

"Welcome back, I & M Entertainment family! Welcome, new trainees! Welcome back, old trainees! Thank you so much for coming! We have a lot of work to do this season. Let's all work hard to do our best and keep FIGHTING! For now, please enjoy the night. We'd like you to take this opportunity to socialize and get to know your M-Town Family!  M-Town FIGHTING!" 

"My sister is probably here somewhere. Or maybe not. These days, she kind of just does her own thing with her group." said Krystal, looking around nervously.   
"Trying to see if you spot her?" I asked.  
"Yeah... but it doesn't look like she's here."  
"When are you gonna meet with her and your parents?" I asked   
"Probably tomorrow, once I'm completely settled in at the dorms and stuff. Come on, let's get something to eat, I'm so hungry." she said, as she grabbed my hand and dragged me with her.  
"Sheesh, gentle, will ya'?" I teased her.   
"I didn't know you were Chinese." said Krystal.  
"Well, you never asked. There's a lot you don't know about me." I said, as I picked up a dumpling from the snacks table.  
"Yeah, like you can play guitar?" she said.  
"Oh yeah, and that."   
"I wish I could do stuff like that." she said. "All I do is be Jessica's sister."   
"And write awesomeness." I added.   
"You don't have to be nice, Amber. I know it's corny." she said.  
"No way! It's beautiful." I corrected her. She looked down the entire time, picking at the finger food on her plate. I placed one of my hands on her shoulder, turning her around lightly to face me. I took her chin in my other hand lifting her head, her eyes to meet mine... "Hey... it's beautiful." I reassured her. She smiled lightly.   
"Thank you, servant." she said teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.   
"You're welcome, princess." I complied. "This 'party' is boring as hell, though."   
"Then go talk to people!" she said.  
"I just wanted to dance to let off some stress from the flight, and we don't even have music. There's no ambience up in here." I complained.  
"I don't know what to tell you..." she said, as she walked over to one of the seats in the room with her plate of snacks in hand.  
"Let's go somewhere else..." I suggested, with a mischievous grin.   
"Yeah right, they'll totally notice we've left." she said, sitting down on the chair. I stood in front of her, poking her shoulders.  
"They won't even notice! We're new trainees." I said.  
"They won't notice  _you,_ but they'll definitely notice _me_ being gone. Almost everyone here knows me..." she objected. I sighed. "...which makes it all the more exciting!" she said giving me an evil grin.  
"That's what's up!" I said. "You should know where we can go and dance right? You've been here before." I said.   
"Well, we can dance at clubs. I've never gone to a club before, though. Unnie always invites me to Club Octagon, but I always feel weird about going with her."  
"Club Octagon? Sounds dope. I've never been to a club either, but what the heck! It's Seoul! Gotta try everything once, right?" I said with a smile.  
"Right!" she said, returning the smile.  
"You know where it is?" I asked. She nodded.  
"But we can just catch a cab outside." she said. "And be back before the reception party ends."  
"Which is?" I asked.  
"Usually around 1:00AM, they do different activities, social games, and raffles and stuff."  
"Nothing that has to do with dancing, of course." I said, as I followed Krystal out the back door. She giggled.   
"I can't believe we're sneaking out and doing this." she said.  
"My bad-ass level is now over 900000" I said, she laughed.   
"You're such a dork."

I could hear the beat of the music just seeping out of the venue as we got closer.  My heart started racing. I can't wait to bust out some moves on the dance floor. It's so liberating, and after being cooped up on a plane for almost 25 hours, nothing sounded sweeter... well, except maybe Krystal's giggles, which were increasing the closer we got to the entrance.

 

We walked up to the door and handed our ID's.   
"Dude, I'm only 20. I can't drink." I said, as he gave me an over age wrist band.   
"You are _so_ American. Here in Korea, 20  _is_ legal drinking age." Krystal explained. "Lucky."  
"Oh... I mean. Not really lucky. I don't drink, regardless." I said.   
"Have you at least tried it?" she asked, as we started walking into the venue.   
"Yeah, and it was horrible." I said with a light laugh.  
"See, I want to try it, too. I've never gotten drunk." she said. "You should buy me a drink."  
"No way! Not on my watch." I said, being protective. She pouted.

It was a pretty Americanized venue... the DJ was definitely working it. 

[Song Scene - POP Danthology 2012](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=If5MF4wm1T8)

I started walking towards the bar. Krystal squealed and leaned on my shoulder.  
"You're getting me a drink!?" she asked, excited.  
"Nope. Water." I said, giving her a disappointed look. "Be good, princess."    
"But, this is the perfect chance to get drunk." she said, whining.  
"You want to get drunk?" she nodded throwing me those puppy eyes. "Come on, we're gonna get drunk." I said with a smirk, as I took her hand and pulled her into the dance floor with me. "We're going to get real drunk." I said, she looked at me confused. I started moving my hips to the beat, I placed my hands on her hips and swayed them, trying to motivate her to dance. She got a bit shy, but quickly understood what I meant. I knew she did the moment she looked at my hands, and then looked up at me with a smile. It was dark, so dark. Giant octagon shaped lights flashing above our heads. It was early to be at a club, so there weren't many people there. It was also the middle of the week, but quickly, as the night enclosed, more and more people began to crowd the dance floor. I started feeling the space around us becoming less and less by the minute. Krystal's body closing in on mine, more and more by the second, and then they played it... the perfect song to dance to. I can't put my finger on it, but there's just something about this song that just makes you want to sweat... 

["Don't Judge Me" - Chris Brown/Dave Aude](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiqd9-t4SN0)

"Yo, this my jam!" I said.  
"What?!" Krystal asked.  
"I said! This my jam! Yo!"   
"Oh!" she replied. We were shouting at each other, the music was way too loud.  "Let's own it then!" she shouted back.  
"What!?" I said.  
"I said! Let's own it!" she repeated.   
I laughed and said "I still can't hear you!" she rolled her eyes, and with a light laugh her hands grabbed unto both sides of my vest pulling me in closer. Our hips collapsed lightly as we danced to the beat. She started getting so into it... the crowd around us was crazy. There was barely any ventilation, as we started sweating. I felt a drop drip down to my chin. The wave of people started to move us, and without even realizing it, my back was strapped against a wall. Krystal's hips pressed against mine, both our hips moving together in a synchronized motion... whenever she exhaled... I felt it, warm over my lips. That part in the song came on where the beat pauses for a few seconds. Krystal tilted her head back, biting her lips and moving her head to the slow tempo, as the lights flashed rapidly. Her hands were tangled into her hair... Every time the lights hit us again, she was in a different position than she was before -- always a different silhouette, a different shape of beauty. Damn. She was beautiful... it's almost -- almost as if she was... close to being perfect. We definitely didn't need alcohol. We were drunk. We were so drunk. Drunk on music... it felt like we were in a trance, in an out of body experience.  As soon as the beat kicked in again, she abruptly brought her face back to mine, our lips barely touching. Her hands slipped from her hair unto my collar... she scrunched up her hands over my shoulders.

I want to kiss her. 

The first conscious thought about wanting my lips to be pressed against hers, crossed my mind.  

Amber was gone, and a wave of lust and infatuation came over me and drowned me. I couldn't breathe. 

Our lips were grazing, and I don't even think she noticed or cared.  I lost it and bit her bottom lip, barely. I wanted to believe that I felt a smile form over her lips, but I wasn't sure. 

The song ended. There was a pause. There's never a pause in between songs. It's always an immediate transition into the next song. It was almost as if everyone around us knew what was going on, and they wanted to give us a chance to come back to ourselves, and get a grip. My hands were still on her hips. She placed her hands on mine and pulled away slowly. She gathered my hands and her hands in between the both of us, creating space. I looked up at her, and she tilted her head to the side, looked at me from the corner of her eyes and gave me a shy smirk. I was too nervous to say anything. I bit her lip. Did she notice? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.   
"I'll be right back. Bathroom." she said. I sighed in relief that she didn't say anything. She was probably way too gone into the music to notice anything. _I_ was too gone. I can't even believe I did that. I walked over to the bar and asked for some napkins to wipe off my face. I was sweating like crazy. I leaned my back on the bar, looking into the dance floor. Suddenly, I noticed Krystal chatting outside of the bathroom entrance with a group of three dudes. I turned away. I pretended not to care, but I gotta admit, I wish I could openly flirt with her. I took another look, and it didn't look like she was enjoying herself as I thought she was. I walked over. 

"Ey, my buddy here thinks you cute as hell." said one of the guys to Krystal.  
"You wanna dance, though?" another guy asked, as he started getting closer to Krystal, grazing her hair with his fingers. Krystal moved her hair away and, tried to step back slowly.  
"Oh come on, we just wanna dance." said another guy, closing her in.  
"Hey. What's going on?" I asked as I walked over. Krystal quickly scooted behind me. She was obviously not comfortable at all, and these dudes were trying to be slick. They looked like American exchange students looking to get laid. Typical drunk frat boys.  
"You with her?" one of them asked.  
"Yeah. She's with me, and she's leaving now. So, sorry about that." I answered.  
"Let  _her_  say it then. She can talk for herself, don't ya' think?"   
"She doesn't have to. It's pretty obvious she doesn't want to dance with you guys." I said.  
"Oh yah? And who are you, her girlfriend? Dyke." he said, alcohol escaping from his breath, as he stood in front of me, blocking our path. I took a deep breath in, trying to stay calm.  
"Look man. She's just my friend, and I understand that you're here trying to have fun, but she don't wanna dance with you bro. So, just drop it."  
"Fuck all that noise, she never said no." he said, as he reached his hand behind me trying to grab onto her breasts.  

I snapped. 

I grabbed onto his arm with one of my hands stopping him from even getting close to her. I placed my other hand over his head and lowered it down to meet my high kick, slamming his face into my knee, and immediately side kicking him across the room.  

"Da fuq! You crazy bitch!" one of his friends shouted, as they all looked at me in awe, then immediately rushed over to their friend.

Suddenly, one of the bouncers grabbed my shoulder and started escorting me out of the club.

"He fucking tried to touch her, yo!" I shouted. Krystal quickly running behind us to catch up, grabbed a hold of my hand and said to me in my ear "Don't argue, it will only make it worse." I calmed down, and walked out of the club quietly. 

I looked over at Krystal, and I could see the shock in her eyes. This whole time, she hasn't exchanged not another word with me. 

Fuck. I had completely forgotten about the time.   
"Shit. It's past 1:00AM.  We need to get back, like right now." I said.   
"Fuck." she said.   
As we were walking towards the road to catch a cab, the police intersected us.    
"Soojung." They said, as they took out their cuffs trying to cuff me.  
"No, no, no." Krystal said, and they began to exchange in Korean. I was so confused, and nervous, and scared. Maybe this was a bad idea, to come here tonight. The cops released me, and Krystal grabbed a hold of my hand. We started walking towards the cop car.  
"What the hell is going on?" I asked.  
"He thought you were the guy that was trying to molest me. I told them they're still in the club and what they looked like. I explained everything, don't worry." she explained quickly.  
"Then... can you explain why we're in a cop car?" I asked, as we sat inside.  
"Oh, yeah... about that. Jang noticed we were missing, sent the police to look for us..." she said.  
"Apparently, just for you. No one knows me." I pouted. She giggled.  
"Yeah... so we might be in trouble..." she said shrugging and squinting her eyes.  
"You don't seem so worried." I said.  
"Well, the props of being Jessica's sister. We'll be fine." she said. I sighed. Suddenly, an awkward silence took over the car. I looked away from Krystal, trying to avoid eye contact.   
"So... what was that?" she finally asked.  
"Huh? What?" I asked, trying to pretend like I don't know about the obvious elephant in the room.   
"You got all Jackie Chan back there." she said.  
"Oh. That. Yeah. Umm. I have a black belt in Taekwondo." I answered.  
"Sounds interesting enough for you to have mentioned it before when we were on the plane, don't ya' think?"  
"Umm yeah... I just... don't like to really brag about that... I don't really like violence. I only use it in dire situations... like -- he can't just touch you like that!" I explained.  
"Or any other girl, for that matter." she clarified.   
"Well... yeah, but mostly you..." I said. Krystal snuck a smile at me, as she also snuck her hand over mine on the seat. I blushed, but thanks to the darkness in the car, she couldn't see. Though, I hope she felt it. 

We stepped out of the cop car, and Jang was waiting for us at front of the dorm entrance. I couldn't tell if he looked worried or disappointed. Maybe both. 

"Soojung..." he said, as he shook his head with worry in his face. "Are you two okay?" he asked. We nodded.  
"We're sorry, Jang." I said. "It was my fault. I asked Krystal to take us somewhere else." Krystal turned over to me in shock.  
"No, it was also my fault. She just wanted to go dancing, and I suggested going to a club." she said, trying to assume some kind of blame. Jang sighed.   
"Just get some rest. We will talk about this tomorrow." he said, as he opened the doors to the dorms for us. We both walked the halls in complete silence.  
...  
...  
"I think you broke his nose." she said. We both busted out laughing. 

I walked her to her room, since I hadn't been there yet, and I told her I wanted to know where it was. We opened the door, and noticed Sulli fast asleep. She turned back over to me as I was standing at the door. She leaned on the door frame and whispered "That was so much fun."  
I smiled at her "Way too much fun. It should be illegal to have that much fun." I said.   
"Well, that's why we almost got arrested." she said. We laughed too hard, and tried to hold it in, but it just made us want to laugh more.   
"Night, princess." I said.  
"Night, Llama."  
"Servant..." I corrected her.  
"Servant Llama." she said.

I walked back into my dorm, and Luna was also fast asleep. I walked over to my desk to take off my necklace, and I saw a note.

 

  
                "Amber unnie!~~ Please wake up tomorrow at 10:00AM. We have trainee meeting for rules and regulations at 11:00AM. Hope you get home safe! ^-^  
~Luna"

 

I smiled. I could already picture her talking in her adorable accent. She's so nice. I threw myself on the bed.  
  
I was exhausted. What a day, man. I connected my phone to the wall charger, and set my alarm. Rules and regulations of M-Town at 11:00AM. I sighed. We are going to get so much shit tomorrow about tonight. I can already feel it. I wouldn't have it any other way, though. I loved being around Krystal today, and I loved everything about tonight, especially breaking that douche bag's nose. He so fucking deserved it. Nobody touches my gir -- my princess... I'm fading away again. I snuggled into my blankets, and my pillows. I hugged them close. I shut my eyes, and for a second, I wished for my pillows to be her.

No. Not Soyeon. I wanted my pillows to be... Soojungie. I want to hold her. I want to hold her, right now. 

  
So close. 

Wait. 

Am I falling?  
  
 


	4. Do It CHU!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crushes, dating, rules, and first smooches.
> 
> Did Amber just find herself crashing into something completely unexpected? Feelings of guilt, sweet regret and confusion begin to colonize Amber's mind after what just happens with Krystal, while she still has those feelings in the back of her mind of her dear Soyeon, who she's still so afraid to let go.

_Do It Chu!_  
                                                                       
            

 

_Crushes, dating, rules, and first smooches._

_Did Amber just find herself crashing into something completely unexpected? Feelings of guilt, sweet regret and confusion begin to colonize Amber's mind after what just happens with Krystal, while she still has those feelings in the back of her mind of her dear Soyeon, who she's still so afraid to let go._

 

That pounding feeling you get in your head from getting abruptly woken up. Damn, man. I need to change that alarm sound. It's literally the most annoying buzzard ever. My first night here, and I'm already missing Jackie's annoying ass waking me up in the morning.  I try to open my eyes, but they're so heavy. I rub them and turn onto my side to face the room, and I see Luna dressed up, in what looks like, clothes ready for the meeting.  She was surfing the web on her desk.

"Good morning, unnie!" she says, before she even turns over to look at me. It's like she felt my stare on her. She turns around and gives me a smile.  
"Unnnngg..."  I whine and turn around again, my back facing her.  
"Unnie?"  
"Hmm?" I said, my voice muffled by my pillow.  
"Are you okay?"  
"Duper." I said, with not a hint of enthusiasm in my voice. My bed was way too comfortable, and I just wanted to keep dreaming, hoping I'd dream again about her lips. Is this seriously where my priorities are right now? Amber, you NEED to get to this meeting. What the fuck, dude? I rub my eyes again as I sit up on my bed in a swift move, forcing myself to become alert.  
"Unnie, I waited for you to go have breakfast before meeting." she said, as she turned back to her laptop and then quickly back to me, looking for a reaction.  
"Thanks, Luna." I said with a smile and a light laugh. "You didn't have to." I finished, as I hastily brushed my fingers through my hair, in an attempt to not let Luna see my bed head.  
"I know, but we should get to know each other, and I think this is good way." she explained.  
"Oh yeah... _we_ also need to bond, as well." I said, realizing that she was just pretty much doing this in an effort to please the company. "Mkk, well I'll be right back. Gonna go wash up and stuff." I said, as I stood up to grab my toothbrush.  
"Unnie? Boxers?" she said, noticing my boxers.  
"Huh? Oh yeah. Pretty comfy." I said with a smile, walking out the door hastily. Did not want to have a conversation around me wearing boxers. I slowly made my way down the halls, on my way to the bathroom. I was nervous about the rules meeting. Jang said he would talk to us today about what we did last night. I'm trying to imagine what kind of conversation that's gonna turn out to be.  I suppose it couldn't really be too bad, since we were never given any rules as of yesterday. How were we supposed to know that what we did would be so bad?  
  
After I walked out of the bathroom, I went and knocked on Krystal's door.  
"Oh! Hyung?" said Sulli, seeing me after she opened the door. Why the hell does she keep calling me Hyung?  
"Sulli." I said with a smile, and a small nod. I was still not comfortable enough around Sulli and Luna to be my complete and dorky self.  So, every encounter with them was pretty reserved on my part. "Where's Soojung?" I asked, as I tried to look past her, since she still hadn't opened the door completely.  
"Soojung, she is asleep. She won't get up. Snoozed alarm so many times." Sulli explained. Shy  _and_ lazy? Princesses. I chuckled to myself, as Sulli started to open the rest of the door, pointing at Soojung snuggled in her bed.  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Her cheeks were rosy red, her lips plumped as usual, and her nose wiggled every few seconds. So, I'm guessing she was half asleep, half awake? Either way, it was the most adorable I've ever seen anyone sleep. Dang, I wish I looked that adorable while sleeping.  I started walking up to Krystal's bed, as Sulli went back to her bed on her laptop. Sulli started to stare at what she knew was going to be my attempt at waking up Krystal.  
"I already tried, Hyung." said Sulli, as she stopped staring and continued to get back into her bed. I sat at the corner of Krystal's bed near her head, and I looked at her for a moment. I wasn't smiling anymore, just puzzled. I couldn't understand why exactly, but I realized that every time I've found myself catching her while asleep, I stare.  At first, I thought it was just lust and infatuation, but... again that warm feeling of just wanting to take care of her. I'd like to think that, just like last night, I'm just extremely infatuated with her. I mean, let's face it, she's hot. Yet, I find myself to be actually fond of her... quite fond of her.  In the corner of her eyes, I could see the tears forming. Tears of sleepiness. Her lips were partly opened in the center. Both hands under her head, her legs curled, knees up to her tummy, and her hair spread out all across the pillow. A few strands of hair fell over her eyes, and again, I just couldn't help it, as I moved them out of the way gently with my fingers, and a smile started to sprout over my face.  She softly opened her eyes and they met mine, and I swear on my _life_ , the whole world stopped. Sleeping beauty awoken by a single touch, instead of a kiss, is what it felt like. One of her hands came out from underneath her head to grab mine that was still tracing its way down her face.  
"Amber?" she said in a very surprised and sleepy voice, as she held my hand in hers; and slowly -- somehow, in between the movements, our hands interlocked.  She was still sleepy, and so she closed her eyes again slowly. "That tickled..." she said, referring to when I brushed her hair away from her face.  
"Morning, loser." I said softly, trying to hide the array of emotions that were slowly taking over. "You know we need to hurry the hell up, right? Everyone is ready, except you."  
"Did you just call me loser?" she said in a whinny tone.  
"What? No. I'd never." I teased her.  
"You're the loser, with the loser face and the loser loser..." she rambled nonsensically, as she moved her hand around, with my hand still in hers. I laughed lightly.  
"You are so sleep drunk right now, you know that right?" I said. She blew up her cheeks with air, and with her other hand, she reached up to my cheek and poked it. I chuckled "Soojungie, what are you doing? Come on, get up."  
"But I don't wannaaa..." she whined.  
"Now I see why you're always late everywhere." I said, teasing her, as I poked her cheek, deflating her air bubble. She gave me this drunk smile. Her eyes were squinting, as she slowly closed them again, and bringing my hand, that was still in hers, against her chest. She held it under her chin and in between her small breasts, and wrapped her other hand around it, as well -- hugging it gently.  
"Can I -- Can -- I want -- can I keep your hand as a teddy bear?" she asked.  
"Absolutely not." I said, jokingly. She pouted her lips adorably, her eyes still shut. "You can keep it as a teddy llama." I said.  
"Mmmmmm... okay!" she said cheerfully, dozing off to sleep again. I almost didn't even want to bother. She looked so peaceful. We got shit sleep on the plane. We were so uncomfortable in those seats, the space was too small. So, this was the best sleep we had gotten in a while. I almost wanted to just be like, screw it, and snuggle up in bed with her... Though, it seemed okay to snuggle with her on the plane, since we barely had any space -- Not so sure how anyone would see it if I snuggled with her in bed. They probably wouldn't think anything of it, since me liking her... only _I_ know of. People judging would just all be in my head... right? Wait. Did I just admit to liking her, like -- _liking_ her, liking her? Am I justified? I spent an entire day with her cooped up in a plane; and by an entire day, I don't mean like an afternoon at the park. I mean, we  _did_ spend exactly almost 25 hours together, completely. We slept most of it... with each other. We cried into each other's embrace, we shared things that -- we shared things that neither of us have shared with many. So, am I justified? I don't know... but I don't care. I like her.

I like Krystal Jung.  
  
Like, _like_ her, like her. I like her in  _that_ way.  
  
"Soojungah..." I said, leaning over her ear, and whispering gently.  No response. I turn my head around to look over at Sulli. "She won't get up..." I whispered. Sulli lifts her head up towards me.  
"Soojung so stubborn." said Sulli, with a giggle, shaking her head slowly. "Water?" she suggested.  
"As tempting as that sounds... she'll kill me." I said, chuckling at the idea. Sulli shrugged, and went back to her distraction. I looked back down at Krystal, and slowly removed my hand from her embrace. I placed one hand underneath her knees, and the other hand behind her neck, and in one swoop I lifted her up suddenly.  
"What...! What's going on?!" she said in a whinny voice, her eyes wide open. I could hear Sulli giggling at the sight.  
"I'm taking you to the bathroom to get washed up, woman." I said.  
"... But... I wanna sleeeeeeep." she said, still in her whinny voice.  
"And I want a burrito, but we can't always get what we want." I teased her. We're already in enough trouble as it is. The last thing we needed was to be late to this meeting.

She was light as a feather. She barely struggled, but really wanted to. You could tell that she was too sleepy to even try, but I could see it all over her face.  
  
After making sure Krystal was on the right track to getting ready, I made my way back to my dorm to get dressed. Luna and I later made our way to Krystal's dorm where we met up with both her and Sulli to head for breakfast. During breakfast, I could definitely tell that Luna genuinely wanted to just hang out with me, regardless of company policy. She really tried hard to converse with me during breakfast, even though her English isn't that good. We also exchanged a bit of small talk in Korean. Turns out, we're way more alike than I thought. She's not much of a fashion person, either; prefers to wear comfortable clothes over looking smexy, and I totally digged that. She's also Christian, so we were able to talk about ourselves from a religious perspective, as well. I of course, did not, and will not and shall not, ever mention my sexuality to her, or to anyone else here, for that matter. Damn, especially being in an all girl's group -- they'd all think I'm checking them all out... and I _would_ be checking them out, to be honest... but for some reason... all I think about lately is... Krystal. When will we hang out next? When can I talk to her some more? When can I dance with her again...? When can I bite her bottom lip again...? I mean of course... probably never...  
  
"Amber..." Krystal whispered. "You're spacing out again... the meeting is about to start." she said. I shifted my gaze to the sides, and pouted lightly with a know it all attitude. "Nu uh..." I responded.  
"I heard you got caught with your boyfriend at Club Octagon last night." said a male voice with a chuckle. He leaned in between me and Krystal from behind us, sitting on a higher seat.  
"Umm yeah, that was me. Definitely not her boyfriend. The name's Amber." I budged in. Sick and tired of everyone thinking I have fucking testicles, man.  
"Oh...! My bad."  he said. Krystal wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me in jokingly.  
"Oh yeah, we are so totally dating." she said sarcastically. I blushed and nervoused out, but went along with it.  
"Yeahp, I have balls, definitely." I said, jokingly. The dude held in a laugh.  
"No, but seriously, sorry. I didn't know it was you. It's just what everyone's been saying." he explained.  
"Figures.  Everyone in the K-pop fandom is dying to see me dating someone." said Krystal, bothered by the rumors.  
"You don't look like a guy to me, by the way." the dude continued. Well damn. That's the nicest shit I've heard since I got here.  
"Thanks..." I said, lowering my guard. "Sorry for the attitude, I just get that a lot..." I apologized.  
Krystal, with her arm still around my shoulder, interrupted and said "Oh yeah... Amber, this is Henry. He's one of the few who speaks English around here."  
"I hear 'em captain obvious." I teased Krystal.  She quickly removed her arm from around my shoulder and nudged it lightly. I chuckled "Anyway, how do you guys know each other?" I asked.  
"We don't  _know_ each other. We know  _of_ each other." Krystal clarified.  
"Welcome rookies!" said a female staff, as she finally turned on the PowerPoint presentation from her laptop. She was taking forever to set it up.  
"I'll explain later." Krystal whispered. The presentation was long and meticulous. So many regulations. Basically, we  _can_  go out to places like Club Octagon if we want to, it's just not preferred because of exactly what happened. Those clubs are super famous, so you're bound to be seen there by the media pretty easily; rumors like 'Krystal being there with her boyfriend' start to happen, which looks bad on the company.  It was a bit embarrassing when they started talking about that part in the meeting, since they kept using our situation as an example.  
"Speaking about boyfriends, the next topic is on dating." the female staff explained. "There will be absolutely no dating among your fellow members or peers." she said. This was obviously enforced by making all girl bands and all boy bands. They want to create some kind of separation among the genders so that dating is more difficult, and so that they never get to see each other except on company events. She went on and on about the strain it would create among the company if say, for example, a break up occurred. One of the members might want to leave the company in order to be further away from their ex. A very simplified example, it can of course get far more complicated than that, but she made her point.  
"Please enjoy the rest of your day off, pick up your schedules as you exit. Tomorrow is a busy day. You're all dismissed!" she said.  Krystal tapped my shoulder from behind as we started walking out the door, and joined my side as we both picked up our schedules, exiting the room.  
"So... do you like movies?" I asked.  
"Ugh, no, hate movies. Who on earth would like watching movies?" she said jokingly.  
"Hey... I'm the one who teases here, not you." I said poking her sides. She jumped a bit and giggled, since she's ticklish there.  
"Yes, Amber. I like movies." she said, with a smile and rolling her eyes.  
"So, there's this really good movie we should watch called..."  
"Not today, though. I have to go visit my sister and my parents, remember?" she said with a rush in her voice.  
"Oh..." I said, with a small hint of disappointment.    
"They'll probably want me sleeping over, but if I manage to escape alive, I'll knock on your door tonight." she said.  
"Sweet. I can dig." I said, my face lighting up a bit.  
"See ya...!" she said, as she gave me a rushed hug, and made her way down the halls. I looked at her back as she walked away. Dang, I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave. I'm so corny. Let me shut up.  
"Hey!" said Henry, walking up from behind me.  
"Hey." I said.  
"Sorry, I didn't get a chance to properly introduce myself earlier." he said as he extended his hand. "The name's Henry Lau."  
"Is that Chinese?" I asked.  
"Yeahp! My dad's from Hong Kong, and my mom is from Taiwan."  
"So cool! You're the second one I meet! My parents are from Taiwan, too." I said excited, as I shook his hand.  
"Sweet. I was raised in Canada, though."  
"Yeah, I'm originally from L.A."  
"Are you doing anything today?" he asked.  
"Umm, nothing in particular. Still trying to figure that out." I said, still looking into Krystal's direction. Man, I'm fucking hopeless.  
"Well, I'm not doing anything either as of yet, you wanna hang out?" he asked. I looked up at him and thought for a second. Holy shit. Basketball.  
"Do you know how to play basketball?" I asked, excitedly. He looked a bit thrown off when I asked.  
"Umm... yeah? Why?"  
"You're on!" suddenly, Luna popped up from behind my shoulder.  
"Ambah! Here you are!"  
"Oh hey, Luna." I said.  
"Oh, so sorry. Me and Ambah need practice her Korean." she said.  
"Wait. Right now?" I asked.  
"Yes, tomorrow we train all day!" I like talking with Luna and all but two things I really wanted right now: to play basketball, and for  _Krystal_  to tutor my Korean. Looks like I wasn't getting either, at the moment.  
"Sorry, bro. She is kinda right. I need to get on top of my Korean if I need to sing it." I said.  
"It's okay." he said with a warm smile, as he extended out his hand for one last hand shake. As I shook his hand, he handed me a piece of paper. I looked up at him awkwardly, as he smiled. Okay. What the hell. Luna dragged me back to our room.  
"Ambah, remember rules. No dating." she said, as we walked back inside the dorm.  
"Wait, no, this is a misunderstanding. I'm not interested in guys -- in that guy, I mean." I explained. "I just wanted to play basketball." I said, as I sat on my bed, and started to open the piece of paper he gave me.  
  
                "Hit me up to hang sometime. ^-^ 822-989-6765"  
  
I looked up back at Luna, as she prepared her laptop to study Korean. "Can we take a break in a bit so I can shoot some hoops?" I asked.  
"Shoot hoops?" she asked, puzzled.  
"Basketball." I said.  
"Maaaayyyybe."  she said with a smile, and she squinted her eyes. This is going to be a long afternoon. Studying Korean never happened. Well, it did, for like the first 15 minutes, and then it quickly shifted to the both of us making fun of different male k-pop bands, and how girly most of them looked. We laughed and talked for hours.  
"Okay, so I _do_ like someone..." I finally said.  
"Henry!" she said.  
"I just met him, Luna. No, not Henry." I chuckled at her naivety. "I'm not saying, but... I think I really, really, like... err him." I said. She grabbed both of my cheeks, one cheek in between two of her fingers on each hand, and pulled them.  
"Awwwwww Ambah is in love!" she teased me, something like I would have done. She rarely takes anything too seriously. We're definitely going to be great friends. "Is back home?" she asked.  
"Umm sort of..." I didn't want to give it away, it could be pretty obvious. Well, she probably wouldn't have a clue, but I didn't want to risk it. But yeah, Krystal is the one person here I've spent so much time with, and well... she _is_ technically from back home. So I wasn't lying to Luna. "He writes poetry, has amazing taste in music, is so easy to talk to, to open up to, laughs at all of my jokes, reciprocates my pranks, and I think we have really good chemistry overall when we're together... oh! Amazing dancer, too..." I just went on, and on, and on. Luna was so great, just listening to me so attentively, even though I could tell it was a bit hard for her to catch up on most of it.  
"He knows?" she asked.  
"No... well... I don't think so." I said, with a slight frown. "But it doesn't matter... we're too far away..." Luna understood physically far away, when I actually meant... she's just out of my reach. It's out of reach of us ever actually being together... ever.  
"What about you, Luna? Do you like someone?" I asked, hesitant.  
"Me? No..." she said with a shrug, but with a hopeful gaze. "I'm waiting on prince charming!" she said with a bubbly laugh. I smirked with a confused look on my face.  
"Like from Cinderella?" I asked.  
"No no, Little Mermaid. I will capture him with my voice." she explained.  
"Love that movie." I said, as she started humming the theme of the movie. Her voice really was graceful yet powerful. They'll probably give her the main lead in the group. I looked out the window of our dorm, and the sun was starting to shy out. Damn, we've been talking this long?  
"Hey, I'm gonna try to shoot some hoops with Henry. So, I'll be back later." I said, as I stood up from her bed where we were sitting.  She nodded with a smirk, as if she was judging me so hard. If she only knew. I walked over to my side of the room and started shifting a few papers around on my desk, looking for the note with his number. "Where, where, where, where...?" I whispered to myself, unable to find it. "Damn..." I fucking lost the note. I walked out to the basketball court, already determined to play. My mind was set on some dribbling, some passing, and some shooting. So, I made my way there alone, without a ball, in hopes that I might find anyone else there to play with, and there he was. Sitting on the bleachers strumming a few chords on a guitar. Damn, this really _is_ K-pop world. Everyone is musically talented at every corner you look.  
"Yo!" I said, as I walked up to him.  
"Amber! Hey!"  
"I lost the paper you gave me, so I came here hoping to find  _anyone_ to play with, and here you are." I explained.  
"Great minds think alike, I guess. I come here to play sometimes to not bother my roommate in the dorm." he said with a smile, placing the guitar face down on his lap.  
"Crazy coinkidink... so, you play?" I said, pointing at his guitar.  
"Barely. I'm more of a piano person, but this is way more portable, I guess." he explained, lifting the guitar back up, and strumming a few more chords.  
"Sounds good." I said with an impressed nod. "So, how does this whole basket thing work?" I asked, as I turned around facing the court, eager to play some basket.  
"You have to go ask for the ball at the information desk, I think, and then you have to give it back by the end of the day. Unless, you bring your own ball." he explained.  
"Gawd, sounds like too much work... maybe I should go buy a ball sometime this week when I get some free time."  
"Yeah." he agreed. "I don't like the idea of playing under pressure very much either." he continued.  
"And like, what's the end of the day, like 6:00pm or 7ish? Meh, it's almost that time right now." I said.  
"I mean, I'd probably beat you in like two seconds, so we wouldn't need that much time anyway." he joked.  How dare he! That's my line!  
Me and Henry got into a good conversation about basket. I bragged about the Lakers of course, being from L.A. and all. He's pretty cool beans. We seem to have a lot in common.  
"Amber!" Krystal's voice resounded through the entire area, and I immediately blocked everything else out.  I turned around to see Krystal waving at me from the gate entrance. She's back. I felt my face light up. I finally get to spend more time with her.  
"Oh hey, Henry." she said, as she got closer.  
"Hey Krystal." he responded, putting his guitar in the case.  
"Soojungah!" I said, as I grabbed her around her waist, lifted her up and spinned her around out of excitement.  
"Amber! Nuuuuu!" she said as she laughed. I placed her back down, her hands on my shoulders, she smiled at me and shook her head lightly. "Dork." she said.  
"Princess." I replied. She moved away to compose her clothes. She looked back over at Henry, and then turned her eyes back at me.  
"Well, you guys got acquainted quickly." she said.  
"Well... ummm... Amber needed someone to play basketball with." he explained.  
"No. I needed someone to kick their ass in basketball. Correction." I said, trying to amend myself from his earlier comment about beating me. Humph.  
"But, we can't play anymore. It got too late." he said, as he stood up, looked like he was getting ready to leave.  
"Yeah, but I'm going to buy a basketball sometime this week, maybe we can catch up on the weekend?" I said to him, as I reached out my fist for a fist bump.  
"Sure... are you going to do something now?" he asked, as he gave me a shy bump.  
"We're watching a movie." said Krystal, as she took my hand in hers and started pulling me away lightly.  
"Oh yeah!" I said excited, remembering what I told her before she left.  
"Oh... well... see you soon!" he said, with a bit of disappointment in his voice, as Krystal started to pull me away even more.  "Oh wait, do you want my number again?" he asked quickly.  
"Oh yeah." I said, as I slipped my hand out from Krystal's grip. "One sec, Soojungie." I pulled out my phone. "Go."  
"822-989-6765, you can call me whenever." he said.  
"Got it. Henry, right?"  
"Yeahp."  
"Aight, peace out." I said, as Krystal grabbed my hand again and pulled me away towards the dorms.  
"Well, you're in a rush." I said to Krystal.  
"And you obviously forgot about the rules already." she said, as we walked down the halls, her hand still pulling mine.  
"That's what Luna said."  
"He obviously likes you." she said.  
"Who? Henry?" I asked surprised.  
"Duh." she said.  
"No way. We were just going to shoot some hoops. That's silly."  
"And you're slow." she said.  
"Coming from the princess who can't solve a rubiks cube."  
"You mean, solve you? I've figured you out already."  
"You sound kind of annoyed."  
"Well, I'm not." I stopped for a second, held unto her grip tightly so she couldn't pull me.  
"Hey, look at me." I said.  
"What?" she said, as she turned around towards me.  
"Do  _you_  like Henry?" I asked.  
"Eww no."  
"Yeah you do." I said.  
"Uhhh no. No I don't."  
"Well, what else would you be so jelly about?"  
"Well, I haven't told you about home yet..." she said, in a lower tone. We reached her dorm room, and as she opened the door "Wait here" she said. She came back with some of her pillows and placed them on the floor next to the corner of the door outside in the hallway.  "I don't want to bother Sulli, you know?" she said, as I nodded.  
"So... how was home?" I asked, as we both sat down on the pillows, and as she opened up her laptop.  
"It wasn't home." she said. "It was just a house populated with people that I happen to be related to by blood."   
"Well, that sounds depressing."  
"Not entirely. It was nice to an extent to see familiar faces. We had lunch together, and stuff. Talked about my advancement in the company -- you know, things that really matter to them." she continued as she opened up Netflix.  
"So, that's why you're all grumpy?" I asked.  
"What movie did you say you wanted to watch?" she asked, completely ignoring my question.  
"Ooh! Umm, I don't know if you've seen it but, can we watch 'Office Space'? It's hella funny."  
"Seen it."  
"Oh. Well, we should still check it out, since you hate your job."  
"I don't hate it. I just hate the unrealistic expectations of it."  
"Same difference." I said with a douche smile, trying to tease her.  
"I'm going to strangle you in your sleep one of these days." she said with a smile.  
"... well, that's not scary at all. Stop being so grumpy, woman." I said, as I poked her sides. She jumped and giggled. Too adorable. Hard to picture her kicking my ass.  
"Why don't we waaaaaatch..." she said as she went through the movies on Netflix. 'Never Been Kissed!'"  
"A chick flick?" I asked with disappointment. She smiled at me as she nodded her head cheerfully. "Now, why would I want to torture myself by watching a chick flick?"  
"Pleeaaaaseeeee." she pleaded, giving me those adorable puppy eyes.  
"You're almost believable... I don't trust those eyes, though." I said. She pouted and made her puppy eyes wider.  
"Aw damn it, fine.  You're such a freaking princess." She pressed play on the movie, and as it started I pouted and whispered "I want to watch 'Office Space'..." She leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. I turned around to look at her reaction. That meant nothing to her, just a thank you. She was focused on the movie. She went from scary grumpy to adorable princess in seconds, too... Korean women.  
"Look, it's starting..." she whispered, as she turned my face back around with her hand to face the screen.   
  
The story is about a grown up dork who happens to be a reporter.  So, she goes back to high school to do a report on high school students or something like that, and pretends to be one of the students. Falls in love with the English teacher (duh. reporter? english teacher? get it?), and since she's always been a dork, no one's ever fallen for her. So, she's never had her first kiss, but the English teacher falls for her, for the dork that she is... and well, you guys know the rest. He turns out to be her first kiss. Can't get any more predictable than that... but I liked it. Shut up.   
  
Krystal lets out a happy sigh at the end of the movie.  
"You liked it?" she asked.  
"It was aight." I said, trying to hide the fact that I did actually really enjoy it.  
"You liked it a lot, didn't you?" she said with a smirk. I blushed, and didn't say a word. "How was  _your_  first kiss?" she asked.  
"Well,  _my first kiss went a little like this... and twist... and twist!_ " I started singing the intro to that 3OH!3 song, while Krystal just gave me a blank stare.  "Come on... you set yourself up for that one." I said.  
"No." she said, holding her blank stare. I pouted and gave her  _my_ puppy eyes this time.  
  
                                                                              
  
"Awww Amber, you're so cute!" she said, with a hint of sarcasm.  I pouted even more...    
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

"Okay, okay, it was a little funny..." she said with a faint laugh, as she pet my head jokingly.  "All better?" she asked, I nodded slowly, with a smiley pout. "But seriously, though, how was your first kiss?" she insisted.  
"Honestly, it was hella lame. Some spin the bottle game in middle school with some dude I barely knew. It was sloppy and yuck." I said, cringing my face a bit at the thought.  
"Sounds like it..." she giggled.  
"What about you?" I asked.  
"Well... umm... " she shifted her eyes to the side, and gave a shy smirk. "I've never been kissed..." she said.  
"Please, tell me we did not just watch this movie for the sake of that joke." I said.  She turned back towards me and nudged my shoulder lightly, with a faint laugh.  
"Nooo... I'm serious. I've never kissed anyone." she assured me.  
"No love, no kiss, no... nothing?" I asked, a bit surprised.  
"Gosh, you make it sound so depressing." she said, laughing shyly.  
"Well, it kind of is... you never played spinned the bottle?" I asked.  
"Well, I mean, being part of my family, I was pretty much secluded from much of the real world. I only recently got to get out of their paws this first year at UCSF, for the very first time." she explained, as she fidgeted with her hair, a bit embarrassed.  
"Hey, I mean, it's not a bad thing. You're just a late bloomer. It happens." I teased her.  
"Nu uh..." she pouted, eyes still shifted away from mine.  
"I just figured, you know... umm... you're so like... uhh..." my eyes shifted to the side, as I tried to not trip over my words or give  myself away. "... ya know, you're like really pretty and... desirable -- nice, I mean..." fuck. Did I just use the word 'desirable' ? Way to go Llama.  
  
"Desirable?" she asked, as she turned around to look at me.  
"I said that?" I tried to play innocence.  
"Yeah, I think you did." she said, as she turned her head forward blankly staring into nothing in front of us, with a confused look on her face.  
"..." I couldn't think of anything to say fast enough to break the awkward silence...  
"You know..." she said suddenly.  "... I kind of like someone, and they like me back for the very first time ever..." she said.  
"Oh... cool." I said, still a bit uncomfortable.  
"It's this guy from back home... we caught up when I went to visit today. We talked a lot. He told me he's ummm... that he's always liked me...? And that he's so happy that I'm finally back. He tried to kiss me, but I didn't do it because... I feel like I don't know how to kiss...?"

["Do It Chu" - F(x)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEaXYjsNvMs)

I felt my heart sink all the way down to the dark trenches of the ocean, chained to the heaviest fucking boulder on the planet. What the fucking hell is wrong with me? I mean, I like her, I get it, but why did it suck so gawd damn much to hear her liking someone else? And then, on top of that, this person also likes her, so it just increases the possibility of her belonging to someone soon... the reciprocation.  It's one thing to know they like someone, and then it's another thing to know that it's reciprocated, as well. But I ignored it. I stopped it. I'm not supposed to feel this much, ever...especially about her.  
"I mean, it's not that complicated. It's just like kissing a cheek, ya know?" I explained.  
"You've kissed a lot, right?" she asked.  
"Plenty." I said with a cocky smirk.  
"You think you're a good kisser?" she asked.  
"I haven't had any complaints so far."  
"Teach me."  
"Wait, what?" I said surprised. That was a curve ball.  
"Teach me how to kiss, so when I kiss him, I don't suck." she said.  
"You can't 'teach' people how to kiss, Krystal. It's sort of like a trial and error thing. Because, every person you kiss enjoys different ways of kissing. Some people like a lot of tongue others don't. So, whoever you're kissing, you explore those likes and dislikes together, and eventually find some kind of harmony or something." I explained.  
"Wow. That was deep... " she started fanning over my head with her hand. "Don't use your brain too much, Llama, it'll explode, look at all the smoke."  
"That's a tickle invitation right there." I said, as I stared at her maliciously.  She quickly placed her hand back on her lap and gave me an angel smile.  
"Umm... ehe... anyway, I hear what you're saying, but there should still be like a standard form of kissing." she said.  
"Yeah, like I said, just like kissing a cheek."  
"A cheek doesn't have a set of lips, Llama." she refuted.  
"I mean, I don't know what else to tell you." I said.  
"So, you never did the whole 'practice for boys' thing in middle school or high school?" she asked. Gosh, my practicing has always been the real deal. All the girls I've kissed, was definitely _not_ for practice.  
"Umm... no?" I responded shyly, fearing where this might be going. I quickly took the back of my hand to my lips... "Look, like this." I started jokingly making out with the back  of my hand. "Try to lightly lick your bottom lip, and then rub it against your top lip right before you kiss, so your lips aren't dry. Not too much, because you don't want a sloppy kiss. Chapstick is helpful, too but sometimes it gets sticky..." I spoke quickly and nervously, as she looked at me with a smirk and a light laugh.  "What? It's true." I said.  
"Well? Can I kiss you?" she asked. "We're both girls, so it doesn't count, it's just for practice, you know." she explained. I gulped. Is Krystal asking me to kiss her? I mean, I know that's not what she means, but... gawd damn, that sounded way sweet, but at the same time... I have feelings for her, and I'd just feel like... I'm taking advantage or... would she be taking advantage of me since she's just using me as a dummy test drive? ...What's the harm... right?  
"Ummm... sure? Why not? Practice... for... boys. Yeepee." I said, with the fakest enthusiasm ever.  
"Ok. Hold still." she said, as she placed the laptop on the floor in front of us. Fuck. She was actually serious. The hallways were dimmed after a certain time when it was getting close to bed time, and so the light of her laptop was hitting us right in the face, and it stood out like a freaking spotlight. I'm already placed on the spot enough as it is... "Oh... wait... umm what should I do with my hands?" she asked.  
"Nothing. Nothing. At all." I said, absolutely dying of nervousness. She was already closing in on me. Our eyes playing tag with each other...My heart was in my throat, and I could feel it, and hear it beating all over my body, like the loudest echo. I swear she can probably hear it, too.  
"You sure?" she said, with so much naivety. "Well, it's 'cause I always see in movies where they put them here..." she said, as she placed her hands around my neck.   
  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
  
"...but I want to make sure that it's not like, movie cliché or something...like, is it natural?" Gosh, she was serious about this. Her face was absolutely analytical, while I was  _shitting_  my pants of how much I was blushing.  
"Uhh, yeah. This is... natural. Very, natural. I mean, you should only do what -- like, comes natural to -- to you." I tripped over my words. She sighed with embarrassment.  
"Yeah, because I really don't like cliché love stories. I just... I want something normal, but I feel like I'm setting myself up for it to not be normal... I'm over thinking this, too much... maybe it's because I want the first kiss to be like... you know, not lame... no offense." she explained.  
"None taken." I said, with a straight face, still dying of nervousness.  
"Am I making you feel uncomfortable?" she asked, with a sudden worry in her face. We were having this entire conversation about her about to kiss me, with her hands wrapped around my neck, her face right in my face, literally. Uncomfortable? No. asdfghjkl ? Yes.  
"Nah... I'm -- I'm a pro at this, remember? I mean... it's the first time I do a 'practice' kiss, but I mean, yeah... I don't know..." I said. I couldn't even form a coherent sentence.  
"Okay, ready?" she asked. My jaw dropped slightly, and I became speechless for a moment. "Do I go to you or you come to me?" she asked.  
"Well, I don't want to like -- do it if you're not prepared, so -- I'll always be prepared. So, it's best if you come to me." I explained.  She nodded, as she bit her bottom lip, and then lightly grazed her tongue over it, like I had explained to do earlier, and rubbed her bottom lip against her top lip. I don't know if she did it slow enough for me to notice, but my eyes were just fixated on her lips the entire time, that it all felt like slow motion to me...  she closed in on me slowly, and as I felt her breath over my lips, I whispered softly "...Remember to close your eyes, too..." my heart starting to race faster...  
"... got it..." she whispered back, feeling her lips move over mine as she spoke. She was already this close... I felt my head going dizzy... light headed.  
  
Suddenly, I felt her lips press against mine. They just stayed there, paused, for like five seconds, but for what felt like a lifetime. Almost, as if she was thinking of what to do next, and I didn't want to move until she did... but I couldn't help it, so I moved my lips in for the kiss, placing my bottom lip in between both of her lips, and having her upper lip in between both of my lips...  
  
...and we kissed.  
  
Just like kissing cheeks.  
  
I felt like a 6th grader all over again. My stomach felt like a miniature greenhouse populated by a billion butterflies. Definitely not my first kiss, but it very much felt like it, or rather... it felt like what a first kiss should feel like: _Perfect_.  
  
As if our interlocked lips were the links between the two key pieces in a puzzle. They just simply molded so gracefully together.  How does she make me feel like this? I feel so powerless, but enjoying every second of it. So weak, and so wrong, yet so right. I wanted to regret it the second our lips touched, because that feeling I had before, it has now been increased by a thousand folds... but at that same second... how  _could_ I regret it? Whatever happens from here on out, I could never regret feeling her lips pressed over mine.  
  
We held the kiss for a while before the release, before the pop sound... and again... I couldn't help myself, and so I bit her bottom lip lightly and slowly, right when her lips were beginning to slip away. I heard a small gasp escape from her lips, and I felt her fingers sink into my hair from behind my neck, as she closed in one more time for second a kiss, pulling me in closer... my heart started to race as my hands clenched the sides of my pillow, tighter and tighter by the millisecond. I wanted to feel her tongue, but I knew it'd be too much... in the middle of that second kiss, I think she noticed my passion flare, and with a sudden movement, she opened her eyes. She broke the kiss and pulled away quickly, but not abruptly.  
We sat there, thirst practically seeping out of my eyes, my lips partly opened, left unsatisfied... and she stared blankly, downward. The palm of her hands now pressed against the tile floor on each side of her pillow.  I wanted to ask if she felt what I felt. I was almost like 99% sure she did... but...  
"So... did I do good?" she asked.  
"What? Are you kidding? You're like more pro than me, princess. He'll love it." I said, trying to sound as genuine as possible... but what I really wanted to say was, kiss me again. Kiss me again, and again, and again, and again, and don't stop.  
"Really?" she said with excitement, as she quickly turned her face towards me, composing her stare into a normal gaze, and giving me a light smile. I still sat there in the same position she had left me when she broke the kiss. My insides shaking like an earthquake, and my lips whining silently, as if some magnetic force field was pulling them towards her lips, and it was hurting them as I held them back.  
"Yeah, definitely. I mean it." I assured her.  
"So, is tongue kissing more complicated?"  
"Sort of... yeah..." I said.  I rubbed my face with one of my hands trying to compose myself, and rubbed the back of my neck where her hands once were, with my other hand. "... but you don't want to tongue kiss the first kiss you have. Chances are it will be sloppy, since neither of you are familiar with each other's kissing styles yet. So, just lips is always nice for a first kiss..." I said.    
"Got it!" she said, proudly. "That wasn't that bad." she continued. "I licked my lips, like you told me to." she said, getting a bit more excited about all that she learned.  
"Yeah... I saw." I said, still composing myself.  
"It was kind of fun, too." she continued.  
"Fun?" I asked, a bit confused.  
"Yeah, like... silly, exciting, and... I don't know." she attempted to explain, but it almost felt like she shouldn't have to.  As if this 'fun' feeling of kissing another girl was normal, and I was supposed to feel it just like any other friend girl would have. Fun? I felt something else... I guess you didn't...  
"Oh yeah, yeah, I know what you mean." I lied.  I built a faint laugh. "Yeah, that was pretty fun. It was cool." I continued.  
"I mean, I always knew I'd kiss a girl for practice, experiment or whatever. You know, college stuff... but didn't think it'd be this soon." she said with a light laugh.  
"Yeah... heh... same here." Gosh. This sucks... so hard. I felt my face get pale and numbed, as she kept talking and talking about how cool and trendy it was to practice with girls, kiss them for fun, experimentation, and  _what have you_. To her... this was all a game. She was completely fine, while I was losing my mind. I just lost half my heart in that kiss, and it meant absolutely nothing to her. Am I starting to already regret what I said I wouldn't regret?

_I was chasing dreams somewhere out on the golf stream, until **you**  crashed into  **me**._   
[Andrea Moe "Volcanoes"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7FMKRACKA0)   



	5. It's a Friend Game

_It's a Friend Game_

"But yeah..." she said, as she took a deep breath in, catching her breath from talking. She reached out to pick up her laptop again, placed it on her lap, and started to check her e-mail inbox.  
"So, what's his name?" I asked, as I fidgeted with my fingers, changing my glance from her screen to her face, and back to the screen... back to her face.  
"Not Henry, that's for sure." she said, with a faint laugh.  
"Well, I got that..." I said with a chuckle. "You're all about teasing me today, aren't you?" I said as I poked her shoulder.  She just smirked, and kept her eyes on the screen. "So, how _do_ you know Henry?" I asked, seeing as she had no intention on answering my first question.  
"Like I said, I don't _know_ him. I just know _of_ him, and well... most everyone here knows me." she explained.  
"Uh huh...?" I said, with a tone in my voice that spelled 'go on...'.  
"So, that's how he knows of me. How I know of him? He's a child star, and known as one of the most musically talented rookies in K-pop at the moment.  He plays almost every single instrument, literally. He's admirable."  
"Just like you." I said.  
"No. I'm not admirable. I'm just Jessica's sister. That's it, and it's shameful that they pretty much have us in the same categories. I'm talentless compared to Henry."  
"No one could ever write the things you write, Krys... and -- and what's the point of playing the instruments when you have no muse, no inspiration?" I defended her.  
"Amber..." she said, as she turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. "... you've only but read _one_ thing I've written."  
"Yeah, and it was amazing... let me read more."  
"As if..."  she said with a small giggle, as she started to shut things off on her computer.  
"You know I'm right."  
"I know that you're being nice." she said.  
"I'm not just being nice. I'm serious, Krys... you should write a song sometime." I encouraged her.  
"I can't do that..." she said, lowering her gaze slowly.  
"Why not?"  
"Because! Then all of my personal thoughts and feelings would be out in the open, exposed to the public." she explained.  
"It doesn't have to be about your feelings."  
"Then, what else am I going to write about? That's really all I write about, and I can't exactly fake feelings to write about them..." she explained.  
"Well, I mean, would it bother you to let people know about... the guy you're crushing on right now, for example?" She paused for a few seconds before giving me an answer.  
"... I don't know." she shrugged as she looked away to the side. She closed up her laptop, and placed it on the floor again in front of us. Took a moment to look back at me. "Are you going to sleep anytime soon?" she asked.  
"I'm not sleepy, but I know we have a long day tomorrow. So, I probably _should_ go to sleep, but I probably won't..." I chuckled. She smiled at me softly.  
"Yeah, same here..." she bit her bottom lip, and shifted her gaze downward. For some reason, there was still this awkward tension between us that lingered from the kiss. We couldn't shake it off somehow. No matter how 'fun'  or 'for practice' she kept saying it was, for some reason... it just didn't feel like that at all.  
"So, how have you been feeling about... you know... since the plane ride...?" she wondered.  
"... I don't know what you're talking about exactly." I did know. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. Why does she keep bringing this up? And right after we just 'kissed'.  
"I just -- I'm worried, ya' know? It's kind of a lot to take in. Coming to a foreign country, not knowing the language, not knowing anyone, and then still sort of getting over _that_... I'm just checking up on you. If something happens to you, then, who's going to serve the princess?" she said jokingly, trying to lighten up the topic.  
"Princess, I'm fine. Really... you don't have to worry about the Llama. Plus... I already sort of like someone."  
"Henry!" she whispered loudly, as she poked my cheek.  
"Oh my gosh! No." I whispered back loudly.  
  
["Quiet" - Lights](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aVUi4Aa5d4)  
 

Krystal seriously had no trouble taking my breath away, occupying endless, and endless spaces in my mind, and intriguing me with every single word that slipped out of her lips. Getting to talk with her at the end of the day, is really one of the most comforting feelings I've had in a while. Just our whole vibe feels so right. I could literally talk with her for hours, for days...about anything. The most trivial conversations with her, no matter how meaningless or simple, are always so special.  I haven't felt so secure with someone in a while.  Even if we don't belong to each other, it feels like she'd never leave. She'd never go anywhere far from me. Every new girl I met after Soyeon, there was always a feeling of unease, uncertainty, even when there was that notion of 'belonging to each other' in some way...  I could always and I _would_ always snap at any given moment.  Not that I might not snap again... but with Krystal, it never feels like I will.  Just the way she looks at me, it soothes me... but if only I could have kept it at gazes.  Our lips our now also involved, it's no longer just our eyes...so it seems that it just complicates things a bit more... Of course, just for me. Maybe I should just tell her... tell her how she makes me feel.  
  
"Well, tell me then." she said, as she leaned her back on the wall, her head slightly tilted towards my shoulder. I turned in her direction, and looked down at her.  She shifted her eyes upwards to meet mine, stared for a second, and gave me a quick smile. I smiled back lightly.  
"Soojungie..." I said, the words hanging from the tip of my tongue.  
"Hm?" she said, with a curious look.  
"... it's just a silly crush." I said, as I turned to look forward, a defeated look on my face.  
  
I'm such a pussy.  
  
"Definitely not Henry?"  
"Definitely not Henry." I said with a light laugh.  
"Yeah... I think mine's a silly crush, too." she said.  
"Yet, you still want your first kiss to be perfect with him?" I asked, a bit of jealousy mixed into my comment.  
"I just want my first kiss to be perfect, period. No matter with who. So, if it's with him... or with anyone else, as long as it's perfect." she explained.  
"I thought you didn't want cliché love stories, what does it matter if it's perfect or not?" I said.  
"Just because something's perfect doesn't mean it's cliché." she refuted.  
"Touché." I said. Good point.  
"You want to watch 'Office Space' tomorrow after practice?" she asked, as if trying to change the subject. I wanted to know more about this 'guy', but it didn't seem like she wanted to delve into it.  
"I thought you said you've seen it already."  
"I did, but 'it's still hella funny'" she said, imitating my voice.  
"I do _not_ sound like that."  
"You _totally_ do." she said with a chuckle. "You say 'hella' _all_ the time."  
"Hey, reppin' L.A. all day, ere'day." I said, trying to sound cool.  
"You know, the more bad-ass you try to sound, is the cuter you come out as." she said.  
"Nu uh...stop teasing." I said with a chuckle, nudging her thigh lightly with my hand.   
"Awww, but it's true..." she said in a teasing tone, poking my cheek again.  I felt my face blush.  
"Umm... soo... same time?" I asked quickly, trying to change the subject, getting nervous.  
"Sure. Same place?" she asked, as she started to get up. My eyes turned to watch her at every second, following her at every movement.  
"Yeah, sounds good, and maybe you can tell me a little bit more about your crush." Not that I really wanted to know, but I'm her friend, right? Friends are supposed to talk about these things, and I wanted her to be able to confide these kind of things in me. Right?  
"Why don't we watch it in your room? Maybe we can invite Sulli and Luna." she suggested. Wait, but that means it won't just be me and her alone.  It doesn't matter. She's my friend. We're all friends. So, this is how it should be...  
"Yeah, I can dig. Maybe we should invite Victoria when we see her at practice tomorrow, too." I said. She stood up and leaned on the door, as she opened it lightly. She looked pensive as she gazed upwards, then gazed back down at me.  
"I don't know. I don't think she'll be interested in hanging out with us. She's much older, you know?" she explained.  
"Yeah about that -- how come I never see her around the dorms?" I asked.  
"Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She doesn't even stay here. She has her own place. She's already past training. So, she's basically just going to train with us to learn the dance moves." she explained.  
"Ah... I see."  
"So... can I have my pillow back?" she asked.  I was still sitting on it, star ing at her like a dumb ass, mesmerized. I had forgotten we were already going to bed. I don't know why,  I was thinking for some reason that me and her could just stay here in the hallways, fall asleep with her head on my shoulder... run into the sunset holding hands, and all of that corny stuff. Sheesh, what's wrong with me? 

"Oh yeah, yeah. Sorry." I said, as I quickly got up pulling the pillow from underneath me, and handing it to her.  
"Well... night, servant." she said, as she started to enter her room, closing the door slowly.  
"Sleep well, princess." I said, as I watched her shut the door behind her. I felt like a lost puppy. Like... what the hell was that? That's it?  She just left so suddenly. I mean, probably not suddenly for her, but for me... considering what just happened, I feel so shut down. So, thirsty... so, so, so thirsty. I bit my bottom lip harshly, as I stroked my hair back with both hands, and let out a sigh of frustration. I started to walk back to my room.  As I opened the door of my dormroom, I took the phone out of my pocket to notice the time.  11:43PM.  "I have to be up by seven in the morning. Fuck my life." I said to myself as I walked into the room. Luna was fast asleep, and the room was dark as hell. I ninja'd my way into my bed, wide eyes and tippy toes. I threw myself on my bed face up, with one hand on my forehead, and the other on my tummy.  

I sighed.  
  
Flashbacks of the feel of her lips invaded my mind. "I kissed her. I kissed Krystal Jung." I whispered softly to myself, as I turned on my side with a shy grin on my face, that slowly turned into a bubbly giggle. I curled up into a ball, feeling like such a chick.    
 

The next day, I woke up a bit more rested than yesterday morning. Second night of normal sleep. Considering the jetlag, I feel pretty darn good. So, getting out of bed wasn't that much of a drag.  Luna was actually waking up at the same time as me, so we went to the bathroom together. Krystal and Sulli seemed to have had the same idea.  
"Morning!" said Luna as we entered the bathroom to find them both there. Luna, extremely jittery, as always.  
"Hey, guys." I said with a yawn, as I leaned into the sink to brush my teeth. Sulli smiled at everyone with a sleepy nod, we probably kept her up last night with our chatter outside the door.  
"Good morning! Hey, did you guys read our schedule yet?" Krystal asked.  
"I skimmed over it, but I don't really remember." I said.  
"The first thing we have is a class at 9:00am. Principles of Exercising." said Krystal.  
"Sweet, sounds like my kind of class!" I said excitedly, with my mouth full of toothpaste foam.  
"No dancing?" asked Sulli.  
"No singing?" asked Luna.  
"I think the singing classes are more towards the evening. We'll be practicing some dance moves right after the exercise class. I think the exercise class is more about getting warmed up, and how to warm up, and stuff." Krystal explained.  
"Sure pays off to have our very own little insider in the group, huh? You know, with you knowing everything from your big sis, and all." I said jokingly.  
"Ha. Ha. Stupid." Krystal responded.  I laughed lightly, as I gave her a smirk from the corner of my eyes. I could see her stick her tongue out at me. We were both at the sinks of the opposite end, with Luna and Sulli in between us.  
  
Before getting to the exercise course, we made our way to the cafeteria for breakfast. I was in pretty comfortable clothes: shorts, a t-shirt, and my L.A. snapback hat.  
"Hey! Amber!" Henry's voice popped in my ear, as he passed by me, tipping my hat unto the floor.  
"Yo, fool, what are you doing?" I said to him with a light laugh, as I picked up my hat from the floor.  
"This fool is going to be wanting that hat. That's a nice hat." he said, as he sat at our table.  
"Yeahp, my lucky L.A. hat. The one I shall be wearing when I own you on the court."  
"Ha! Sure. You keep dreaming, girl." he said, with a joking, but condescending tone, as he started to dig into his food.  
"What? You think I can't own in basketball just 'cause I'm a girl?" I responded with a chuckle. Poor kid. Has no idea how good I really am.  
"No, not at all. That's not what I meant. I..." he took me all serious, and tried explaining himself.  
"What brings you around, Henry?" asked Krystal as she lifted her gaze from her plate, looking towards us, interrupting him.  
"Just saying hi." he said, with a nervous light laugh, rubbing the back of his head.  
"Okay then. Hi." Krystal said.  
"Are you kicking me off of the table?" asked Henry.  Sulli just starred at everything that was taking place, probably hinting at a love triangle. Of course, there was some kind of triangle going on, but probably not the one she had in mind. She probably thinks me and Krystal are fighting over Henry. And Luna... well, Luna doesn't waste time at the table when it's nom nom time. If it's food time, it's food time, and nothing, or no one will come in between food and Luna.

  


Much respect, 'cause I honestly can't count on my hands the amount of times I've just wanted to enjoy my meal and -- well like that one Sunday with mom at lunch time -- it's always something.   
"Nah, nah, don't pay attention to Krystal. She's all grumpy in the morning." I said, as I patted him on the shoulder.  Henry's cool peeps, and I just think he's trying to be friendly, ya' know? And just chill with us. I doubt he'd have a crush on me, anyway.  I could see Krystal glaring him up and down. Sheesh, she's so feisty lately.  
"Amber, it's... umm Amber-unnie, it's almost time for the class, we should get going." said Krystal, rushing to get to class on time? She's never in a rush to be anywhere on time, until she's already late. She mentioned the same thing to Sulli and Luna in Korean. They nodded, and started getting up.  
"Oh! Ambah-unnie, are you going to eat this?" asked Luna, pointing at my blueberry muffin.  
"Say please." I demanded jokingly.  
"Pleaseeeeeeeeeee." said Luna, with huge puppy eyes, as she extended her hands out in a puppy-like manner. We both busted out laughing, as I handed her the muffin, and started getting up from the table.  
"See ya, Am..." said Henry, as he was still eating, sitting at the table.  
"Definitely. I'll hit you up tomorrow for some hoops, see if I can finally get to whipping dat ass." I said jokingly, as I started to walk away.  
"Oh yeah, sure, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night." he voiced out. I walked a little faster to catch up to Krystal. I flicked the back of her ear as I caught up by her side.  
"Hey Krystal." I said. She ignored me. "Hey, hey, hey, Krystal. Krystal. Krystal. Pssttt. Soo-jun-gie." I repeated, annoyingly. She turned around and gave me a death glare.  
  
[Ddudungie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK0RWJUsxTw)  
  
"Hey Krystal, guess what 'dbad' stands for."  
"Hm..." she said, with a grumpy tone.  
"Don't be a dick!" I said with a huge dorky grin.  
"Am not." she said, shifting her eyes to the side, speeding up her pace.  
"Ehhh... just a little bit." I said, as I caught up to her side again, wrapped my arm around her shoulder.  
"Nu uh."  
"Ya' know, Henry was just sayin 'hi'." I said.  She stayed quiet. "And ya' know, I think he might actually have a crush on _you_." I said.  She turned towards me, raising one of her eyebrows. "What? It's a possibility." I said with a shrug and a teasing grin.  
"Stupid." she said.  
"Stupid, servant... what else?" I said with a chuckle, teasing her.  
"And dork, gosh!" she said, as she shoved my shoulder lightly, holding in a smirk. I chuckled. I love teasing her, way too much, and she loved it, too. She can't contain a smile when I tease her, and she knows it, but I wasn't going to point that out. She'd shove my shoulder again. I giggled at the thought. "What's so funny?" she asked, as we started to walk into the gym. She was still holding in a smirk. She wanted to giggle so bad.  
"Widdle Soojungie is funny." I whispered. I could tell she wanted to give me another shove, but contained it since the instructor was there, which wasn't Jang. So, I'm guessing Jang is only going to be doing the dancing and stage performance classes.

  


 

"Hey! Yuh-dong-saengs!" a loud whisper behind us. We all turned around.  
"Victoria!"  we all said. She gave us all a light hug, and proceeded to direct us where to sit.  
We were a small group of about 20 girls. The instructor introduced herself and immediately started to talk about...  
"What are the most important areas of your body that need to be warmed up before, say... a rehearsal, a performance, a..." she began explaining. I'm definitely more of a hands-on person. So, I really wanted to just get right into the drills. Hearing her lecture us was really putting me to sleep.  
"Amber!" Krystal whispered into my ear.  
"Huh? Yeah? Sup, what's up?" I responded, a bit startled.  
"Are you falling asleep?" she giggled.  
"No? Of course not." I shifted my eyes to the side and flicked her ear.  
"Oh my god, I swear..." she said, as she pinched my side.  
"Ow!"  
"That's what you get, stupid."  
  
"So, why don't you all go ahead and pick a partner?"  said the instructor.  As soon as I heard that, which was probably the only thing I heard, I got _pretty_ excited. Finally, we'd get to do some action. Me and Krystal turned towards each other at the same time. She had a shy smile, noticing that we thought the exact same thing. I wrapped my arms around her small frame and her arms in an awkward grab.  
"Mine! My ddudungie." I said, with an adorable voice.  
"If you so insist." she said with a sigh, trying to act like she didn't want to be my partner, when we both know she totally wants to. I mean, who wouldn't want to be paired up with this awesome Llama?  
  
"So, the first thing we aim for is flexibility, ladies. Lots and lots of it. I want to see some beautiful, full splits, ladies. Get those thigh bones working." said the instructor.  
  
"Have you ever done a split before?" I asked her, as we sat on the floor, facing each other.  
"Duh. Remember, I'm the little insider in the group. My big sis told me all about splits." she responded, with a teasing voice. I laughed lightly.  
"That was funny." I said, remembering when I said it earlier. She shook her head with a light chuckle, rolling her eyes.  
"Sure, it was. Come here." she said, as she started positioning my legs and thighs for the split.  
"Hey... ow, what are you doing?" I said.  
"I'm helping you do the split."  
"Oww... that hurts. Why like that?" I said in pain, as my legs started spreading more and more.  
"Did you not pay any attention to what she said?" she asked me.  
"Not... really?" I said with a nervous chuckle. She placed her hands on my thighs, helping me spread them for the split, slowly. "Gentle, princess! Sheesh!" I said.  
"Oh, don't be a baby." she said, giggling at me as I pouted.  
"I think this is spread enough..." I said, feeling the ache on my thigh bones.  
"Okay, now stretch towards me." she said, extending her hands for mine. I leaned forward and held her hands, stretched out as much as possible. My hands slowly slipped out of hers, and unto her ankles.

  


"I like your ankles." I said to her, as I lifted my head up to look at her.  
"My ankles?" she asked, with an awkward giggle.  
"Well, yeah. They have a nice shape." I said.  
"That is the most weirdest compliment ever." she said with a light laugh.  
"I'm Krystal. I'm a princess." I said teasingly, imitating her voice.  
"Well, it's not that I don't like them..." she said, busting out laughing, and leaning over to -- of course -- shove my shoulder.  
"No, it's fine.  The princess thinks she's too good for my compliments." I said, pouting jokingly. She shook her head, rolled her eyes and gave me a light smile.  
"Come here." she said, as she started to do her split. She did it so fast and with so much ease, as she stretched her hands out towards me.  
"Show off." I said. She looked up at me and gave me a cocky smirk. Shit, and I thought I was cocky.  
  
Okay, so I didn't enjoy the warming up exercises as much as I thought I would. They were painful. Like, seriously painful.  Shows you how much of a difference there is between playing sports, dancing and warm ups. Dancing and sports: fun.  Warm ups?  Ehh... not so much. Though, I gotta say, feeling Krystal's touch made it _way_ better than dancing or playing _any_ sport, even basketball.  That is saying _a lot_. That being said, can we please just do warm ups all day? _Please_?  
  
The day went by pretty fast. We were already in the last class session: singing. Today, I heard Krystal Jung sing for the very first time. While Luna has a very graceful voice, Soojung has a very sensual, sexy, feisty, and soothing voice. Not trying to be a perve here, just calling 'em how I see 'em -- err hear 'em, in this case.  I mean, I already knew Krystal had a seductive voice. When she giggles, when she calls me stupid, Llama, servant... gosh I freaking tremble from the inside out. Now, it just got reconfirmed, and pretty much sounds so much more -- overly seductive, when she sings.   
  
I sighed as she sang, as I found myself silently trying to catch my breath after every note that escaped her lips...she's seriously mesmerizing in every meaning of the word; and yet again, here I am, staring at her lips. _Again_. After that dream, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop staring at her lips. I knew I wouldn't be able to stare at them and _not_ think about kissing them, and that I wouldn't be able to stop staring at them _until_ I was able to actually taste them... Yesterday, I finally did taste them, and what a surprise that was.  Yet here I am, still staring. Can you blame me? I know, I want more... and since she's singing in Korean, it makes it even harder to really pay attention to the lyrics... so all I do is look at the movements... the way her lips move with every sound, with every word, with every melody.    
  
"How's my little ninja?"  
"Maaah..."  I said, as I adjusted my chair, shifting my eyes to the side showing a shy smile . "...my roommate'll  hear you, mahh... that's embarrassing."  This was the very first time that my mom and I were able to talk since I got to So K (South Korea).  I sighed, with a light smile.  
"You look tired, hun." she said with worry in her voice, as she looked at me through the webcam.  
"Yeah... it's been such a long day, so busy.  Yesterday was really my only day off, sort of... and we ended up having a rules meeting anyway! Like, early in the morning, mah. The very next day of my flight, I had to wake up so early. So anyway, the free time wasn't even that much." I explained.  
" _That_ busy already?" she asked.  
"Yeah... I know right?" I chuckled. "We had exercise classes today, dance and stage performance, singing classes..."  
"Sounds like right down to business." she said, with a light chuckle.  
"Yeah, these peeps don't play, mah."  
"And how have you been feeling... with all of this -- the change?" she asked, with a bit of concern in her voice.  
"I mean, you know, everything that I was expecting it to be: I wasn't going to know Korean right off the bat, and I _knew_ that before coming here.  It's just been weird hearing it all the time, all day... and then the jet lag..." I explained.  
"... oh dear, have you been getting good sleep?" she interrupted, with a motherly tone.  
"Well, it takes me a little longer than usual to fall asleep, but I sleep.  The first night, I didn't sleep so good.  But after that, I slept alright, considering." I explained.  
"Well, that's good sweetie." she said with a warm smile.  She was being her usual self. Her genuine voice, her warm smile, her soft eyes. I bet Jackie talked to her and sweetened her up for me. You know, about the whole thing... getting her to warm up a bit more to the whole idea of me following this farfetched dream of mine.  I really needed this: her unconditional support, especially now that... I'm so far from everything familiar.  
"Yeah mom, and I met two people who speak English like, really good.  So, I talk to them a lot, and it kind of keeps me anchored to home every now and then, ya' know?"  
"Yeah! That's great!" she said.  
"One of them, his name is Henry. He's cool. We're playing basketball tomorrow."  
"Ohhh!" she said, her eyes becoming mischievous.  "Is he good-looking?" she asked with a light smirk and an awkward wink; that kind of wink parents do when they try to be cool, but it just comes out super lame.  
"Umm, I guess, yeah."  
"And then there's Krystal, and -- oh! And mah! She's from Cal, too!"  
"Oh yeah? That's great for you! What about Henry? Where's he from?" oh boy.  
"Yeah, no... he's from Canada. His mom's from Taiwan, though."  
"I see! Is he Christian?"  
"Umm, I don't know.  I haven't asked him... but Krystal, she's from Cal, but not So Cal.  She's from San Francisco.  So, pretty up North from us."  
"Ahh, I see." she said.  
"Yeah..." I felt my face light up, as I talked about Krystal.  "Her sister is part of this famous K-pop group, and she was living in San Francisco all by herself, mah.  Well, she was in the dorms at UCSF... but yeah, her parents live here." I explained.  
"Oh? She was taking classes?" Ugh... she's going to bring up college.  
"Yeah...?"  
"Yeah, that reminds me; did you ever think about maybe taking some online classes, while you're there?" she mentioned.  Of course I have. I was trying to tell you this _that_ day, but whatevs...  
"Yeah, yeah.  I've already looked into that. That's been my original plan, but I'd rather wait until Summer is over, and training is over and stuff, so I can probably start online classes in the Fall." I explained.  She could see Luna walking by behind me.  
"Oh, who's that?" she asked.  
"Uh, that's Luna.  She's my roommate, and she's also part our group.  We're five in total, but she doesn't speak English very well, which reminds me, mah..." Jackie popped up behind my mom, wrapped her arms around her neck and stuck her tongue out at me.  
"Hey, Llama." said Jackie. I stuck my tongue back out at her.  
"Sup, dork." I said.  
"So... what does it remind you of?" asked Jackie.  
"Geez, snoop on conversations, much.  It reminded me of my debut. They gave us the date today, to set goals and stuff for what we need to have ready by that time, and the sorts..." I said, getting lost in my thoughts from how much information they gave us. "... but yeah! You guys have to come. Kay?" I said, with a bubbly tone. My mom smiles and nods, as she let Jackie take control of the conversation.  
"Well no duh! When is it?" asked Jackie.  
"In the Fall... _conveeeeniently_ on the day right before my birthday." I said with a huge dorky grin.  
"So, the 17th of September?" asked Jackie. I nodded.  
"It won't be anything huge, and there's gonna be a couple of more groups performing with us, but still." I said excitedly. "It's going to be _awesome_." I grinned.  
"Okay, okay, _calm down_ , crack head." Jackie teased. "Don't worry, we'll make the plans to be there for sure." Jackie said as she gave me a thumbs up.  
"To support my little girl, who will be amazing." said mom, with a warm smile, reiterating what she last said to me at the airport.  I smiled back at both of them, as I heard a knock on the door.  I heard it, but I wasn't really listening or paying much attention.  Luna had gone to take care of it, when suddenly...  
"Hey, stupid." Krystal said... in the most seductive way possible, as she came up behind and messed up my hair with her hands.  It was a pleasant surprise, _so_ pleasant.  I blushed slightly, as a dumb smile drew itself on my face.  She placed her chin on my shoulder from behind me, as she bent down slightly, snooping around to see what I was doing on my laptop.  
"Hyung!" said Sulli, waving in the direction of my camera, as she stood further behind me. I turned my head  a bit in her direction to give her a smile and a nod, as she immediately started to talk with Luna.  
"Mah, Jackie, this is Krystal." I said, as if they knew everything.  As if they knew exactly how she made me feel.  As if I was introducing the love of my life that I had been dating for quite some time. Krystal shy-ed out for a moment, squinting her eyes, and giving them that adorable shy smile that only she knows how to give.  She raised her hand and waived shyly.  
"Oh! Krystal!" my mom said, as she came to the realization that this was the Krystal I had been talking about a while ago. Jackie just had this awkward grin on her face, because she _so_ knows.  She knows me, and how I react around girls I'm crushing on. "Krystal, I heard so much about you!" said my mom.   
Krystal turned her head slightly towards me, her chin still on my shoulder.  "Oh yeah? Is that so?" she said, with a cocky smirk.  I shifted my eyes slightly towards her and jokingly gave her a stink face, as I shook my head, denying whatever my mom was saying.  
"Yeah! Amber is so lucky to have you there, you know she really needs it." my mom continued, with a concerned, yet grateful tone. Of course moms would give you out.    
"Umm... anyway! Mah, Jackie... I'll talk to you guys tomorrow, cool? We're about to watch a movie." I said quickly, trying to blur out the awkwardness.  
"You and _Krystal_?" Jackie asked, with wide eyes and a smirk. I am so going to kill her.  
"Yeees... and with Sulli, Luna, and..." I explained, so she knows it's not just with Krystal.  
"Victoria?" Krystal said with slight surprise, as she turned around to see Vic entering the room.  
"So, see ya! Love you mah, peace out dork."  
"Don't forget to call me tomorrow, okay? Sleep early, and eat..." my mom started saying.  
"Maahh... ok, ok. I will.  I gotta go." I said, with rush in my voice.  
"Okay, bye-bye, I love you." she said, Jackie had already left her side.  I hung up the Skype call, and turned around to see everyone in the room. I smiled at Vic.  I was so happy to see that she actually came, since for me, she's another familiar face -- someone who makes me feel at home.  
"Ni hao, Vic!" I said 'hi' to Victoria in Chinese with a huge smile, as she came up to me and gave me a light hug.  
"Oh hey... Victoria, you came..." said Krystal, forcing enthusiasm.  I started to boot up the movie, as Victoria went onto talking with the rest of the maknaes.  Krystal creeped up behind me once again.  
"You invited her?" she whispered in my ear, with a bit of feistiness in her voice.  
"Yeah, why?" I said, a bit confused.  
"Oh no, nothing. That's great." she said, as she fixed up a nicer tone to her voice, quickly.  
"Doesn't sound like it. You've been moody all day, first with Henry, and then Vic." I said with a chuckle.  
"Well, I was just surprised, that's all... aaaaand no, I'm not moody." she said.  
"Anyway... yeah, she told me today that she's been really wanting to hang out with us, get to know us and stuff, but she's been so busy.  Said she had free today, so I figured, meh, why not?" I explained with a smile.  
"Cool." she said.  
  
We all sat on my bed, and gathered around my laptop. It took me a while, but I managed to find a version of the movie with Hangul subtitles.  Neither of them had seen it, except for just me and Krystal... So...  
"Yeaaaahhhh... So if you could be here around nine...? That would be greaaat... mmkay!?" both me and Krystal said the movie line at the same time.  We kept quoting pretty much everything Lumbergh would say, and busting out laughing silently after every quote.  
  
"Hey..." Krystal tapped my shoulder lightly, and whispered in my ear. "I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom." she said.  I nodded, as I watched her stand up, and make her way out the door.  We didn't pause the movie, since we both had already seen it.  So at this point, we just wanted Vic, Sulli, and Luna to watch it.    
  
I found myself constantly staring at the door, waiting for her to come back already, unable to focus on the movie.  I pouted lightly. It wasn't as fun to quote the movie alone. I got impatient.  
  
"Hey, guys, I'm gonna go check on Soojung real quick. I'll be right back." I said, as I stood up and made my way out the door.  
  
"Krys?" I said, as I entered the bathroom.  
"Amber?" she responded from one of the toilet stalls.  
"Hey! There you are. I thought the toilet swallowed you or something.  You've been gone for a hot minute, princess." I said.  
"Umm... yeah... uhh..." she hesitated.  I could hear the nervousness creeping out of her voice.  "I'm not feeling so well..." she said.  
"Why, what's wrong?" I asked with worry, as my tone went from joking to serious.  
"I got my period..."  she said, with a bit of a whiny voice.  
...  
I held in a chuckle. "Awww, my poor ddudungie." I heard her sigh, as an awkward silence invaded the bathroom.  
"I don't have a pad with me..." she finally said, embarrassed and with an even whinier voice.  I busted out laughing, I couldn't hold it anymore.  
"Oh god, is that why you've been sitting on the toilet this whole time?" I asked, still laughing.  
"Sooo not funny." she said, with a pouty voice.  
"Just a little bit... oh hey! That's why you've been so grumpy lately." I laughed harder.  
"Can you please...?" she said, a bit annoyed.  
"Yeah, yeah... you want a pad or a tampon?"  
"Tampon, please."  
"Yes, princess. I'll be right back." I said, still lightly laughing.  
I ran back and forth, and handed her the tampon underneath the stall.  
"Aren't you lucky you have such a convenient servant?" I said, teasing her even more.  
"I would have figured it out..." she said, being prideful.  
"Yeah, you would have magically pooped out a tampon or a maxi pad, right?" I couldn't help myself.  She was setting herself up to be teased.  
"No? I can improvise... I was... working out something with the toilet paper, and... why are we still talking about this?!" she said embarrassed, as I laughed even more.  
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." I said with a slight chuckle as she opened the door of the stall, tripping slightly as she walked out, and about to fall on her knees.  I went in quickly, and grabbed a hold of her arms before she fell face flat onto the floor.  Instead of her face meeting the floor, it met with mine.  She looked up, slightly startled from the scare, as our eyes met.  Another awkward silence filled the bathroom, as I just looked at her without really knowing what to do.  Our faces had gotten so close and so suddenly, that we just simply... well... I wasn't prepared for that.  Flashbacks of that kiss invaded my mind again.  She was this close -- this exact distance, right before placing her lips over mine... damn it. Spacing out again, as always... I blew air in her face, as she squinted her eyes.    
"Hey...!" she said, wiggling her nose.  I laughed lightly and nervously, trying to brush off the tension that had just built up between us.  
"Are you okay?" I asked.  She quickly shifted her eyes to the side, with a slight blush, and gave me a small nod.  
"Yeah... thanks... servant." she said, trying to break the ice, as I continued to help her back on her feet.  
"You know, you get so embarrassed so easily.  Gotta learn to laugh a little more at yourself." I said, as I hastily brushed the strands of hair out of her face, while she gave me a small nod. "So... back to quoting Lumbergh?"  I asked, with a joking smirk.  
"Don't mind if I do... though, we've probably missed like more than half of the movie." she said with a slight giggle, as we walked out the bathroom.  
  
We opened the door to my room to find Luna, Sulli and Victoria, just pillow beating the crap out of each other, and dying of laughter.

  


  
"No, no, no! I'm going to pee on myself! I'm going to pee on myself!" said Luna, unable to stop laughing, as Sulli and Vic ganged up on her with the pillows.  
"A pillow fight!? And you guys didn't invite me?!" I jumped in to defend Luna as I grabbed a pillow, joining in on the madness. Guess the Hangul subtitles don't really make the movie much justice as to how freaking hilarious it is.  Krystal stayed in a corner of the room, a bit shy, giggling as she watched us. I know she isn't shy.  I know she wants to join in.  
"Everyone! Everyone! Hold it, hold it." I said, as they all stopped and turned over to me. "ATTACK SOOJUNGIE!" I shouted.  
"Amber!! Oh my god! No!" she shouted with a loud giggle, as we all started pillow-ganging up on her. She busted out laughing, as she tried to reach out for a pillow to fight back.     
  
"Guys... I have feathers in places of my body that I didn't even know existed..." I said, as we all lied on the floor, face up. There were pillow feathers everywhere.  There was a quick two seconds of silence, until we all busted out laughing, barely.  After that pillow fight, we all pretty much lost the energy to even laugh.   
"Guys, we need to wake up early." said Vic, in a motherly tone.  
"Sleepy time!" said Luna, as she started to jokingly snore on the floor.  Sulli giggled then lightly hit Luna's face with a pillow, as they started a little mini pillow fight again. Krystal joined in as she threw her pillow at Sulli's back.  
"How you getting home, Vic?" I asked her as I sat up, brushing off the feathers.  
"Well, I catch the bus, but not running anymore at this time. So, now I take taxi." she said, as she stood up and started to pick up all the feathers around the room.  
"A taxi? Fuck all that noise, it's so late."  
"You mean, forget about taking taxi?" she asked, puzzled by my response, though she kind of got the gist of it from the context.  
"Yeah, it's not safe... I don't think... hey! Why don't you just sleep over?" I suggested, as the rest of the members heard, turning up to look at Vic, awaiting her reaction. We were all getting pretty comfortable around each other, not sure if this was a little too much, but honestly though, it's like she belongs here. Plus, she'd be saving that taxi money.  
"Umm... I don't know... where would I sleep?" Vic asked, as the members looked at each other, and then at me. Yeah... didn't think about that part.  We have super small beds. Twin beds. Not much space for two people, and I know Vic would feel uncomfortable having to share that little space with me, or with anyone else. We're still not at that level, I don't think.   
"Well... you can have my bed. I don't mind setting something up on the floor, with the pillows or something." I suggested.  
"Of course not!" Vic exclaimed. "I can sleep on the floor." she said.  
"Amber." said Krystal, trying to catch my attention. "You can sleep on my bed." she said. "I mean, we've already sort of slept together on the plane, and that was a lot less space than the beds. I wouldn't mind."  
"My new roommate!" Luna shouted, as she gave Victoria a glomp.  
"Hyung sleepover!"  Sulli shouted, as she gave me a glomp.  
"I see how it is, Luna..." I said jokingly to Luna, as I gave her a glare. "You prefer Vic over me... I see how it is..."  
"Yes! Yes! I confess! I do!" Luna said jokingly, as Victoria jokingly stuck her tongue out at me.  
"It's cool! No one's happy to be _my_ roommate." Krystal said, with her feistiness, as she also started to pick up the feathers.  
"She's grumpy today." I whispered to the rest of the members, with a giggle. "I'm excited." I said towards Krystal.  
"You don't count." Krystal said, as Sulli ran over to Krystal and hugged her from behind.  
"Me! Me! I am!" Sulli said.  
"Oh nooooo. Go back to Amber." Krystal said to Sulli, jokingly of course, as she tried to pull away from Sulli, but Sulli just kept a hold on her.  Krystal dragged her around the room. We all laughed, fun times. Definitely a great night.  
  
Everyone said goodnight to each other, as Sulli and Krystal left to get ready for bed, and while I introduced my bed to Vic.  We were all way too tired from the whole day: the exercise, the singing, the dancing, and then the pillow fight. We all deserved to just knock out, including Vic. I'm glad she was staying over.  
"Night guys, sleep well." I said goodnight to Luna and Vic, as I turned off the lights of the bedroom, while walking out the door.

-This conversation is in whispers-

  
"I like sleeping against the wall, just FYI." Krystal said to me, immediately I walked into her room.  
"Sweet! That's the spot I'll get, just to fuck with you." I said, teasing her.  She looked at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.  
"You really want me to bite you again, huh?" she asked, as she started to fix up the bed. I gulped. Damn. Why does she sound so seductive even when she's threatening me? I wanted to say, yes, please... bite me! But of course, I can't say that. The room was dim. The main lights were off, and only Krystal's night lamp on her side of the room was giving off a low shine, just enough to see her bed, our faces and our silhouettes.  It sounded like Sulli had already fallen asleep, so fast. I could hear her breathing deeply... or maybe she was in the process of falling asleep? I don't know.  I just stood there awkwardly, with a dumb look on my face. I watched Krystal as she fixed the sheets on the bed.  As soon as she was done, she rolled herself over quickly towards the wall, and then pulled her blanket up to her nose.  She lowered the blanket quickly below her chin to stick her tongue out at me, and then pulled the blanket back up to her nose.  
"You really think I can't move you from that spot if I wanted to?" I said with a chuckle.  
"Never said you couldn't move me... just said, you'd get bitten if you did." she reaffirmed her threat. I chuckled, as I turned off the night lamp and got under the covers in bed next to her.  I noticed that the blanket she had lend me had little teddy bears printed on them, while her blanket had parachutes.  
"Hey, how come I didn't get the parachute blanket?" I pouted jokingly, as I started to snuggle with myself under the covers.  
"Parachutes are not for llamas, they're for people."  
"Oh, and teddies are for llamas?"  
"Yes. You're a teddy llama." she said with a light giggle.  
"Oh yeah... I did agree to that..." I said, remembering with a blushing chuckle.  Krystal took the pillow from underneath her head and placed it on her tummy. "What are you doing, loser?" I asked, as I turned my glance over to her.  I could feel an evil grin drawing on her face, even though I couldn't see it. She slowly lifted her arm and slammed the pillow on my face.  
"Oops." she said. ^-^  
"Ddundungie..."  =__='  
"Hmm?" :3  
I flipped over suddenly and pinned her down, as I sat on her waist.   
"Hey! Let me go...!" >. "Hmm... wonder what I can do with this free hand..." I said.  
"Amber... Amber don't you dare...!" she said, with wide eyes. "Sulli is sleeping. We're going to wake her up."  
"Then apologize for hitting me with the pillow." I pouted in demand.  
"Hehe... That was _way_ funny." she said, giggling. I lowered my hand slowly towards her waist...  "Okay, okay, okay...!"  she said quickly.  
"Yeees?" I said.  
She shifted her eyes to the side with a pout. "... I'm sorry." she said under her breath.  
"Oh, I'm sorry. What was that? I couldn't hear you."  
"I said... ! I'm sorry..." she said, as she turned her eyes back up to mine.  
"Oh alright. You're forgiven... SIKE!" I said, as I started to tickle the crap out of her. She wiggled, and squealed under her breath, as she tried to set her hands free. And in the middle of all of the motion, I bumped my head against the wall in front of me, since she pushed me towards it with her legs, as she was trying to squeeze out from underneath me.   "Ahh... owww!" I said, still trying to whisper as best as we could.  
"That's what you get...!" she said, taking advantage of the fact that I was rubbing my head, to flip me over and pin _me_ down instead.  She held both of my hands against the bed, side by side to my face.  
"Copy-cat." I said, as I stuck my tongue out at her.  
"Now _you_ say you're sorry."  she said.  
"You know I'm way stronger than you, right princess? I could easily flip you back on your ass." I said, biting my lips, seeing as her loose shirt gave open to her small cleavage, and then focusing my eyes back to hers. This position was making me way too nervous... I can't think of smart-ass comebacks in this position.  I can't think at all in this position. It was dark, but I could see her lips glossing with the light of the stars that was shattering through one of the windows, through one of the cracks in the curtains.   
"All talk, no walk..." she said, with a cocky smirk, followed by an adorable giggle... guhhhh and that was it. That was enough for me to just lose all sanity... and I quickly got my hands loose, placed them on her shoulders, and flipped her over.  She looked at me like she didn't see it coming, with wide eyes, and lips partly opened, jaw slightly dropped. My eyes were still shifting from her eyes, to her cleavage, from her cleavage to her lips, and back to her eyes. My hands still on her shoulders. She looked uneasy and surprised.   
"Heh... told ya." I said, with a cocky smirk. Her surprised look, slowly turned into a warm smile, as she placed her hands on mine that were still on her shoulders. She slowly traced her hands up my arms, up my shoulders, my collar bone, and wrapped them behind my neck... as she started to lift her head up to get closer to me, slowly -- as if she was waiting to get rejected or invited, with so much uncertainty yet so much desire.  My smirk quickly turned into confusion, as I didn't understand what was going on, what was making her do this... "Krys..." I sighed out softly, as I gulped.  Her lips now grazing mine, and before I knew it, I was already drawn into her, into her body warmth. The heat that was forming in between us both was unbearable, addictive, and I loved it.  
"Yeah...?" she replied back with the most seductive voice imaginable, and like metal and magnet, my lips quickly attached to hers in a breathless kiss that drowned all of our sounds.  My body was now pressed over hers, her fingers tangled in the back of my hair, and the tip of our tongues met for the very first time, in a slow motion encounter...they danced. It was just one kiss that lasted about five seconds, but all of the oxygen had vanished from my body, in what felt like a 20 minute make out session.  It's like -- an instant of intimacy, of but only a slight touch with her -- is like an entire half hour of insane and passionate love making. My heart was beating out of control, as I felt our lips move away from each other, still feeling the graze, and the feel of a slight smile forming over Krystal's lips.  
"That was fun..." she said, with a light and nervous laugh. Again, I could feel my heart sink.   
"Yeah..." I said.  I chuckled, as I slowly sat up. "Where'd that come from?"    
"I don't know... I just felt like it, and apparently you did, too?" she said with a nervous chuckle, as she continued to lie on her back, covering her face with her hands, embarrassed.  
"Yeah..." is all I kept saying, swallowing all of my feelings.  I know she's just fooling around, and I know she trusts me the most right now, and that's why she's able to fool around with me. Any other person wouldn't complain. She's gorgeous, right? Who cares. Just enjoy yourself, right? But not me.  
  
I'm a fucking pussy. I can't enjoy myself while being in love when she's not.  
  
Not me.  
  
"Night..." she said, as she snuggled up near one of my hands. "Teddy llama." she said with a teasing giggle.  
"Heh... night loser. Busy day tomorrow." I said, as I petted her head teasingly.  

  
  
_But she's slipping away. I always freeze when I'm thinking of words to say.  
All the things she does make it seem like love, but if it's just a game...  
then I like the way that we play..._  
[The Main 'Into Your Arms'](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cF3OkvwduYA)  
  
 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Stay tuned for next chapter,  
  
As Henry confesses his feelings at the basketball court, and how Amber reacts to his confession.  
  
A fast forward to three months from today, when f(x) finally makes their debut, and as we find out what got Amber locked inside the bathroom stall in the first place. It's all coming up in the next chapter!   
  
I took these first few chapters to set the stage with all of the characters, so get ready! =D MORE DRAMA AND FAN SERVICE TO COME! 

  
THANKS FOR READING GUYS! KRYBER IS LOVE! <3

  
 


	6. Friendship Package

 

_Friendship Package_   
  


  
  
"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked her.  In about only a couple of minutes, Krystal had gotten out of bed. She had turned on the night light, and took out her diary to write while sitting at the bottom corner of the bed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up..." she whispered as she continued to write, her eyes fixated to her diary.   
"No, you didn't. I wasn't sleeping yet." I said as I rubbed my eyes, trying to adjust them to the light. I leaned my back upwards a bit to get a better look at her, holding myself up with my elbows.  She sat butterfly style, moving her pen quickly, as the night light reflected her silhouette on the wall next to her. Her hair fell completely on one side of her shoulder, in front of one of her breasts. This is the first time I'd seen her in full pose, with no bra.  Just a loose, white T-shirt... her nipples clearly poking at her shirt. She wrinkled her forehead as her pen paused, and then quickly continued its pace. She sort of looked like a frustrated poet, which had some sort of romantic feel to it... "You got out of bed just to write?" I asked, tilting my head to the side with curiosity.     
"I didn't want to forget..." she said.  
"Forget what?"   
"Forget the feeling of... of today." she hesitated on finishing the sentence, as she continued to write.   
"The feeling? Don't you mean like, the things that happened today?"   
"That too... I guess."    
"Is it a poem?"  I asked, still staring at her. Her eyes still fixated to her diary, almost as if she had summoned another part of her to speak with me, because she looked so consumed into what she was writing.    
"..." she said nothing. I crawled slowly over to her, and kneeled up behind her back, as I tried to look over her shoulder.   
"It's nothing." she said, as she closed her diary quickly and turned to look at me.  She did it so fast that it startled me. She looked... distressed.  A kind of distress -- like she had no control over the situation.  A kind of distress in her that I had never seen before.   
"O... kay? I was just curious. Is everything okay?" I asked.   
"Everything's fine... sorry..." she said, as she fidgeted with her diary in her hands, and tucked some of her hair behind her ear, nervously.  "I'm just a bit in pain.  I should take my pain killers."  she said, softer this time.   
"Yeah, end of the day period is usually a bitch... I'm sorry."  I said, trying to empathize with her. She stood up to put away her diary, get some water and get some pain killers. I kneeled up on the corner of the bed, where she was once sitting, looking at her vaguely.  I was just trying to see if I could maybe figure out what was going through her mind.  She made her way back towards the bed, and petted my head messing up my hair lightly.  
"Scoot, Llama."  she said.   
"Oh yeah... sorry." I said... she caught me staring, and I was spaced out again. I scooted back to my spot, as she crawled back into bed. We both lied back down.  She lied on her side, her back facing me, and curled up in a ball. I lied on my back with one hand on my forehead and one on my tummy. This was my thinking position in bed.  Or rather, my figuring-things-out position, the position I'd take when feeling puzzled, or trying to organize something -- If I'm in bed,  this is the position I'd take while working around my rubik's cube. Well, of course my hands would be occupied, not on my forehead or on my tummy... and right now, this was the position I'd use in trying to figure  _her_ out. Since when did girls become this hard to read? Or maybe I'm just really  _that_ slow. I wrinkled my forehead, and bit the bottom side of my lip, as I turned my head a bit over to look at her.  I felt alone.  I don't like backs facing me. I wonder what she's thinking...   
"Did I use tongue first, or did you?"  she asked, suddenly  
"Krys, I'm sorry about that, really..."  I said quickly.   
"No, it's totally fine." she said, interrupting me. "I'm the one who went in for the kiss... you just got ahead of me, I guess..."  she explained, with a light chuckle.  "...and I told you it was fun." she continued, as I listened silently. "I'm just curious as to... you know...after we started kissing..." I knew exactly what she was getting at. I did. I started using my tongue. I initiated that, and I went in for the kiss... it was passionate. I gave it passion, and she felt that.  _Fuck._  She was probably just planning on giving me a normal awkward kiss, and then I went and got carried away, and she knows it. Fuck. Fuck.  _Fuck my life_. Think, Llama. Think.   
"Well... I -- uhh..." she knows it wasn't her. It was obviously me. Was she asking me a rhetorical question?  "I... did...?"  Think, think, think. "... but it was only to -- you know, how I said that you never kiss with tongue the first time? And you were curious about the tongue kissing, so I just thought, hey why the hell not?" I said with a nervous chuckle.   
"Yeah, I figured much..."  she said. "Did I do good?" I sighed to myself, lightly catching my breath as I remembered the feel of her tongue on mine.   
"You... you did amazing..."  I just said that. It came out with my sigh, I couldn't help it.  "You -- you're really going to knock him off his feet when you kiss him..." I tried to correct myself.    
"Yeah... " she said.  She sounded worried... was it worry or something else? Gawd... I'm so pathetic. Maybe I'm just imagining worry?  Disappointment?  I poked her shoulder.  "Hey, you don't want to snuggle the teddy llama?"  I asked her jokingly, trying to ease some of the tension.  She said nothing for a few seconds... until I heard a sniffle. "Soojung...?"  I slightly lifted my head from the bed, as I placed my hand on her shoulder.  She reached her hand above her shoulder to hold mine.   
"Yeah... I do." she said.   
"Are you crying?" I bluntly asked.  "Did he do something to you?" I asked, with threat in my voice... she closed up as soon as I mentioned him. That had to be it... he's probably a fucking jerk and I'd love to find an excuse to kick his ass.  
"No." she said, as she turned around on her other side, and as she held my hand close to her chest. "I'm not. Why?"   
"Just making sure you're okay. I know I get super over-emotional for no reason at all when I get on my period." I said with a small chuckle, relieved to see that everything was okay, but at the same time... feeling as if she was keeping something from me.  She gave me a light smile, that quickly changed back to an emotionless face, as if she forced the smile.   
"Night, Amber..." she said, as she interlocked her fingers in mine, her cheek rested on the back of my hand.  
"Night, loser... this time for sure, go to sleep, will ya'?"   
"I will... shhhh."  she said, as I felt her smile on the back of my hand, strands of her hair that had fallen near her face -- tickling my skin. I had never slept or spent the night in another girl's bed before.  Even more, a girl I had a huge crush on.  Me and Soyeon? Well, we had moments here and there. We had moments in which we were alone, and were able to... to do stuff, but we had never spent a night together.   
  
I felt her breath on my skin, as her breathing got deeper, as she drifted slowly into sleep.  
  
I guess this is what they call bliss.  
  
The next day, I took the lunch time in between our practices to meet up with Henry.  He bitched during all of breakfast this morning about how I was going to buy a jinxed basketball to own him in basketball today.   
"You  _that_  scared, son? If you're so good like you say you are, you'd beat me, jinx or no jinx." I said to him, as we walked towards the bus stop, just outside of the dorms.   
"I can! But, win or lose, I want it to be all fair and square." he said, as he took out his bus pass.  "Do you have yours?"   
"Right here." I said, as I showed him my pass. "Dude, there is no such thing AS A JINX." I said.  I repeated this to him like a million times this morning.   
"Yes, yes there is! I already told you about what happened with my grandma with that hat... remember?" he insisted.   
"That's called  _coincidence_ , and plus, because I don't believe in jinxes, then I wouldn't try to put one on the ball... or you, in the first place!"   
"So you say... how do I know this isn't all part your plan?" he glared at me with suspicion, rubbing his chin with his fingers, joking around.   
"You sir, are a grade A dork." I said, as the bus arrived. "After you, ladies first." I told him, messin' around with him.   
"Why thank you, don't mind if I do! Such a gentleman!" he responded in a girly tone, as he entered the bus. 

  
_Henber is my BRoTP - They get chicks together and stuff! =D_  
 

"There, we bought it together, see? Not jinxed. Happy?" I told him, as we got off the bus, arriving back at the dorms. He nodded with a dorky grin.  "Or is it...?" I said, giving him a mischievous look, and holding the basketball near my mouth, whispering spell gibberish.   
"Hey!" he said, as he swooped the ball away from me. "I'll keep it for now..." he said. I laughed, as I saw how paranoid he was.   
"Sure, do whatever you want. Ain't nothing gonna save you from that ass whoopin' later." I said.   
"We'll see about that..." he pouted. "What class you got now?"  
"Dancin'!" I said, as I wiggled my hips. "You?"  
"Singing."   
"Oh yeah! We gotta jam sometime, too. But anyway, yeah... I'll see you after my final class, which is singing, so I'm guessing yours is..." I said, as I started to walk away.  
"Dancing." he finished my sentence with a chuckle. He got quieter, as he just listened attentively.   
"Aight then, see ya later."   
"I'll jinx check this before the showdown." he warned me, as he lifted the basketball in his hands. I laughed as I walked away.   
"Alright man, you do that." I said.   
  
Henry was definitely cool beans, but the butt whoopin' must go on, and damn I couldn't wait.   
"Amber..." Krystal said, as she glared at me with arms crossed and a raised brow.   
"Huh? Yeah?" I responded, a bit startled. She pointed towards the rest of the room with her head, as everyone else was staring at me.   
"Oh. Is it... is it my line?" I said with a nervous light laugh. I had spaced out again on basketball. On basketball, of all the things. I need to focus man, this is my career on the line. Of course girls and basketball would come in between it all... gosh.  
"Umm... so yeah... hey, hey..." I got in my rapping mode. "I got a little plan so pick up the slack, you wastin' time with the chit chat..."  Everyone loved it, though not many understood it.  They couldn't give me too many complicated rhymes in Korean.  So, for now I was rapping in my English until I got better with my Hangul, but yeah... I killed it. These guys ain't never heard that L.A. flow before, and it was the best thing that ever hit 'em.   
"That was pretty..."   
"Dope?! I know, right? I'm so dope." I said, finishing Krystal's sentence. We walked out the classroom and into the hall ways.   
"Could you possibly be more full of yourself?" she giggled, as she shook her head in teasing disappointment at me.   
"Hey, like I always say... if you own, you own." I defended myself. "But, hey! I'll catch ya' later princess, gotta run. I told Henry I'd meet him after the last class."   
"Basketball?"   
"More like Henry-getting-owned, but yeah, basketball." I said, as I started walking in the opposite direction.   
"Hey...! Umm..." she said, as she tried to reach out her hand towards me, but couldn't reach. I had quickly already turned around, as soon as she called out.   
"Yeah?" I responded.   
"I'm writing a song..." she said.   
"No way! For real?" I said, as I bit my bottom lip, giving her a huge grin. She nodded shyly, as she shifted her eyes to the side, biting her bottom lip as well.  "I  _have_ to be the first to hear it." I said.   
"Says who?" she said, as her little shy act vanished. She gave me a smirk, and with the rolling of her eyes, she turned her back to me and started walking away.   
"Says me!" I said, as I began to walk in her direction, catching up to her. "You'll show me, right?" I said, as I looked at her, but she didn't look back. She just kept looking straight ahead, with that little smirk she does, because she knows she has me wrapped around her finger.   
  
  
  
  
  
"Maybe..." she said, still holding a smirk. "Don't you have to go play basketball?" she said, sending me away. I sighed.   
"Such a tease..." I said under my breath, as I started to walk away and towards the courts. And there he was, waiting for me on the court and practicing his shots. Missing. Every. Single. One. I held in a chuckle as I approached him. He turned around to look at me with an embarrassed smile.   
"You freaking jinxed it, didn't you?"   
"Oh my gosh bro! Still on the jinx thing?" I laughed lightly as I brought my hands up. "Pass it, let's get this started."   
  
"It's 23 to 12 bro, my game. You givin' up?" I said, as I dribbled the ball in between my legs and across the court.  He bent down, catching his breath and pressing his hands on his knees.  
"Yeah... yeah... I give... you win... jesus christ..." he said, out of breath.   
"Yeahp, you already know!" I said, as I threw one last shot at the hoop. "I heard you're a master of instruments. Well, I'm the master of this court... well at least when it comes to you." I said, teasing him and chuckling.   
"Of course. I humbly accept my defeat, master." he said rolling his eyes and giving me a smirk, as he went to pick up the ball. "I'd like a rematch again tomorrow, though."   
"Whenever! You already know I'm always down for some hoops." I said, as we both sat down on the bleachers to drink water.   
"Hey..." he said with a grin and bumping his knee into mine, as we sat on the bleachers.  I turned my head towards him, still chugging water.  "So, what are you doing this weekend?" he asked shyly.   
"Me? A whole lotta sleepin'." I laughed lightly. "Why?" I asked, as I wiped the water over my upper lip with the back of my hand.   
"Well, umm...I was just wondering if... you wanted to like... uhh..." Da fuq is wrong with Henry? He has a stutter problem or somethin' all of a sudden? I stared at him confused, waiting for him to finish his sentence.  "Dinner? I mean... out to eat?"   
"That actually sounds freaking awesome!"  
"Really?" he said, as his face lit up.   
"Yeah, but not this weekend, though.  Probably the next, 'cause I'm kind of broke at the moment... well not completely broke, but I need the money I brought with me for other stuff.  If I can eat at the cafeteria for free, then I don't think I should spend money eating out." I explained.  "So, after we get our allowance from the company, I can go, which will be next week... I think? Right?" I finished my explanation.  
"Well... yeah, but umm... I'll be paying." he said under his breath.  I laughed lightly.  
"Oh come man, I wouldn't let you pay for my food. You're making it sound like a... date?" Gosh, I'm so slow... He looked at me embarrassed, blushed and nervous. No wonder he was stuttering. I can't do this feelings and emotions stuff... he was anxiously waiting for a response, without knowing what else to say. He really _does_ like me. Krystal was right. Damn it, I hate it when she's right... I pouted on the inside. Wait, Llama, you're getting side tracked again... focus. Henry is asking you on a date. How do I  _not_ hurt his feelings? "Look... Henry... ummm you're cool beans and all man, but I uhh... I don't like you in  _that_ way?" I really have no idea how to make this sound less harsh.   
"Oh..." he said softly, as he lowered his head with a slight frown that turned into a nervous laugh. "Is it my nose?"   
"Your nose? No, no way! You have a -- a sexy nose!" a sexy nose, Llama?  "You're a good looking guy! And any chick would  _kill_  to be with you, I bet! I --" I really had no idea what to say or how to back up my argument. I was pretty much wrecking his self esteem right now. Damn it, this is way too awkward.  I sighed and hid my face inside of my shirt in mid sentence.   
"What are you doing?" he asked with a chuckle.   
"I'm hiding." I said, my voice muffled by my shirt.   
"Amber, it's okay... you don't have to  _like_ me like that..."  
"No. It's not okay.  You don't get it." I said.   
"Well, then help me get it." he said.  
"It's just... I don't..." I sighed "...swing that way." I said it. Almost automatically. I couldn't fathom any other logical explanation as to why I would reject him, and him not feel like crap. At least, by letting him know this, he'd know that it has  _nothing_ to do with him at all, and that this is just the way I am. Right?  
"Swing... that... way?" He asked puzzled. He knew what I was talking about, but was in shock to hear it.  It's a moment when you're so in shock about something, that you try to find any other explanation for what you just heard, and you force your brain to be confused about the obvious answer? Yeah. That. What? Just me?   
"I don't like penises, Henry." I said bluntly, my face still covered by my shirt.   
"Heh... I figured much..." he said, with a bit of disappointment, but a more relaxed voice.   
"That's it?  You figure much?" I said in surprise as I turned to look at him, my face still covered by my shirt.   
"Well... yeah I mean, it's no big deal. It's not like I'm madly in love with you or anything... it's just... you're different. You're not like the other girls... So I guess... I'm just crushin' on you, ya' know? I mean come on, what other girl is going to own me in basketball?" he said, as he chuckled still a bit nervous.   
"No, no, no! Not that! I meant... the not liking penises part..."  
"Oh! That you're gay?" he said, as if nothing. I face palmed.  "Well, I mean... I actually think it's pretty cool..." he said. Gosh, please don't ask if you can watch, please don't.  "... I've always wanted to talk to another girl about chicks." he said, as he pondered on the idea. I slowly came out of my hiding space. Is this dude perfect? He turned his head towards me and smiled, as he was finally able to see my face again.   
"You're being the best man at my wedding. Don't ask any questions." I said, jokingly. He laughed.   
"No, I'm serious though. I can get you to talk to girls for me, and get your approval and stuff." he nodded as he thought of the brilliant idea he just came up with me.   
"Well, I don't think you'll need much approval, I mean... you already have great taste." I said with a cocky tone.   
"True, true..." he said.  "So... instead of dinner, we should just be each other's wingmen at the club next weekend, pick up some girls?" he laughed.   
"That's a master plan right there, but... I already kind of like someone who I  _don't_ have to pick up at the club."   
"Aw, really?" he snapped his tongue in disappointment, and nudged my shoulder. "You failed me..." he said jokingly  
"I can be  _your_  wingman, though!" I said, trying to console him and punching his shoulder lightly.   
"I suppose... hey! Maybe I can help you with  _your_ crush." he said.   
"As if I needed any help." I said with a cocky smirk.   
"Do I know her?" he asked with curiosity. I smirked, getting a bit nervous at the thought of her, and at the thought of him knowing... now that he knew I liked girls, he could probably figure this one out on his own... I'm around her a lot.  
"I can't tell you that, too. By the way! You have to promise you won't tell anyone about me being... you know... Pinky swear!" I said, as I put out my pinky.   
"Of course not! I'm not from here either, you know? I know how they see that here in South Korea." he said, as he pinky sweared me.   
"Good..." I said in relief.   
"So, tell me then..." he begged.   
"Curiosity killed the cat, you know that right?" I said.   
"I'm no cat, though. I'm a dog. I'm Snoopy."   
"Snoopy? What the hell?" I said, laughing.  "Look, it doesn't matter. You don't know her. You know  _of_ her." I said, hinting.   
"Baby Jung!?" he said, wide eyes. For some reason, this surprised him more than my love for vaginas.   
"Baby Jung?" I asked, confused.   
"Yeah, yeah. The youngest of the Jung." he explained. I guess that's how he identifies her.   
"Krystal." I said. He patted my back.   
"Nice." he said.   
"There's nothing  _nice_ about it. It's never going to happen. It's just a crush that I need to get over, and I will. I'll get over it eventually."   
"Why would you say that? What if she likes you back?"   
"Thanks for the hope bud, but let's be real... she doesn't  _swing_  that way." I said, as I asked him for the basketball, placing it under one of my feet, and moving it around the bottom bleacher.  "And don't get me wrong, I know tons of girls who are very feminine who swing that way, but... she isn't one."   
"You can never be so sure, Amber." he said.  
"Plus, she already told me she likes this dude or whatever... some lame childhood friend."   
"Bummer..." he said  
"Tell me about it." we both said, as we stared blankly in front of us, in defeat.  _He_  got rejected by me, and Krystal's is in love with someone else.  Yeah... definitely a bummer, but for some reason this confession made us closer. Our conversation now seemed a lot more relaxed and less tense. He really  _didn't_ take it at all bad. It gave me some kind of relief, or hope that maybe the next time I tell someone else that I like girls, they'll have the same reaction.  Maybe it is like he said... maybe it's just because he's not from here, like me.  Well, Krystal isn't from here either... she's from where I am. She didn't mind Jesse being gay, but that's probably because Jesse's a guy. If I tell Krystal I like girls, she'd hate me. She'd hate me because she's been practicing her kissing with me, and well... she'd just feel so uncomfortable knowing that I enjoyed the kiss in a totally different way from how she did.  She'll never see me the same way again.  I shared all of this with Henry...   
  
He and I, we talked for hours.  He's pretty much like a male Jackie, except... he has or... had? -- a crush on me.    
  
"It's getting late, I better get..."  
"... back to Krystal?" he interrupted.   
"... no?" I blushed. "...get some rest." I finished my sentence. He laughed lightly, and patted my back as we both stood up from the bleachers.   
"Sure." he said. "See ya soon, Ber." he said, as we started to walk in opposite directions.  The male dorms were on the left side, and the female dorms were on the right side.   
"See ya', Snoopy.  I sighed from exhaustion. Tomorrow is going to be another long day of practice, and the day after that, and the day after that... for four months...

\--------------------  
Friday, September 16th  
\--------------------

  
"And, one, two, three, four... and one, two, three, four..." said Jang, as we practiced for like the 100th time the dance moves for La Cha Ta.  "Beautiful, ladies! Perfect!" he said as he clapped. I collapsed to the floor near Krystal. "Alright, one more time." he said, as I wrapped myself around Krystal's leg.   
"Jang! Pleaseeeeee... I don't wanna practice anymore." I whined. This is supposed to be fun... this is so much hard work, for fuck sakes.  Krystal looked down at me and gave me a soft smile, and began to pet my head.   
"Alright, alright, take a break." Jang said, as he smirked at me, shaking his head.   
"Yes! You's the man, Jang!" I said, giving him a huge grin, still tied to Krystal's leg. We were all sweating like crazy. Literally, my tank top was dripping wet.   
"Amber, you're wetting my socks." said Krystal.  
"Ooops, sorry." I said with a shy laugh, as I let go of her leg, and stood up slowly. "I'm gonna go wash up real quick, you coming?" I asked her.  She nodded as she took my hand, and followed me to the bathroom.   
  
I filled the sink with water, and splashed my face and neck. "Damn, that feels hella good." I said. She was using a cloth, and being careful not to wet her clothes any further. I dipped my hands in the sink, and sprinkled her with water.   
"Oh my god!" she said, as she takes a huge scoop from her sink in between her two palms, and throws it at my back  
"I'm already soakin', loser." I laughed lightly, as I teased her. "Your comeback does nothing to me."  
"Stupid..." she said, holding back a smirk when she noticed she couldn't really get back at me with water, and went back to her sink.   
"So... nervous about tomorrow?" I asked her.   
"Well... not really. I'm more curious about what you're going to do for your 21st birthday." she said.   
"Oh gosh, not again with that... I already told you. I'm not drinking..." I said, as I played with the water in the sink, squirting water out of my fists, shooting it close to her. She gave me a warning glare, as I smirked at her.   
"Come on, we have to do  _something_ big." she said.   
"Yeah, the concert."   
"No, but that's going to be before your birthday. It doesn't count." she refuted.   
"Look... first of all, I don't like alcohol. You know this.  Second, if I did decide to go out to drink, it wouldn't be fair to you or to Sulli. The only people here old enough to drink are me, Vic and the puppy. So..."  
"It doesn't have to be out to drink, though! Let's just go out anywhere! Let's go dancing!" she said, interrupting me. Dancing, she says. Last time I went dancing with her...   
"Honestly, after tomorrow night, the last thing I'm going to want to do is dance." I sad jokingly with a chuckle. "I'm probably just going to want to pass out from tiredness."  
"I guess... you have a point... in that case! We should have a snack party, in your name..." she said mischievously.   
"Luna will eat all of the food, like last time." we both laughed, as I noticed I couldn't get my eyes off of her this entire time. The way her eyes chink when she laughs, giggles, chuckles. The way her face always has this constant shyness... the way her eyelashes blink, so softly... and the shape that her mouth takes when she's trying to hold back a smile, a smirk... a laugh.  I hadn't kissed her. I hadn't kissed her for four months... since I first slept in her bed -- the second time we kissed, and the last time for forever.  I wonder if she ever did kiss that guy... she never ever wants to talk about him... so I don't know. She will tell me everything else... everything... except that, and then she calls me the weirdo.   
"Spacing out again, Llama?" she said, as she held the palm of her hand over my forehead, her face so close to mine. Her eyes piercing right through mine.  She was giving me a warm smile and a raised eyebrow, as I felt my face get hella red.  'I'll get over it eventually' I told Henry... who am I kidding? There's no getting over Baby Jung... there's no getting over a princess.   
"Hey... quit it..." I said, shyly laughing, as I moved my head back away from her hand. "How do you even know when I'm 'spacing out' or whatever? Loser..."   
"Well..." she said, getting all cute, as she was about to explain.  "... your lips slightly part, and your pupils always hide away to a corner of your eyes... not looking at me at all..." she said as she got closer, and closer while continuing to explain.  At this point, my back was  getting closer and closer to the wall behind us. "... what do you think about -- you know, when you space out?" she asked with a smirk.   
"Stuff..." I said, as I blushed lightly, my gaze shifting to the side. Gosh, she's such a freaking tease...   
"Come on, again with this? You know you can tell me, Amber."   
"Says the one who's always hiding her diary from me..." I stuck my tongue out at her from the corner of my mouth.   
"That's different." she said, as her composure went from flirty to serious.  She backed away, and got some paper towels to finish drying up.  In these past few months, she's become my closest friend.  We tell each other everything, we're hella comfortable around each other, and we can be our completely and dorky selves around each other.  Yet -- somehow, there's still this -- some sort of a barrier that I can't manage to tear down, to crack open. There's always a moment of just intense tension,  and I know I'm not being completely honest with her... that might be a factor... but I just can't. That will never end well if I tell her... and then again, could it also be that she might be keeping something from me?  Why would she ever keep anything from me? If she did... if she _is_ keeping something from me, I'm sure she has a good reason. I guess I just sometimes feel a little jealous, because it feels like she tells more to Sulli than she tells me. They sleep in the same bedroom...so naturally they'd spend more time together... I can't really complain. Krystal... she helps me a lot all the time, and goes out of her way to spend time with me, to make time for me.  I shouldn't complain, right?    
  
I opened my mouth, as if I wanted to say something... I wanted to apologize for insisting, but no sounds came out. She turned around towards the trash can, as she scrunched up the paper towels and threw them in, and then quickly looked up towards me.  
"I'm gonna go get something in the vending machines before we start rehearsals again... so I'll see you there." she said. I was hoping she'd say 'you coming?' but she didn't.  She basically told me: 'stay away until I get over the fact that you just brought up that topic again, that you know I don't want to talk about, yet you brought it up anyway'.  This is how Krystal puts me in my time-out corner. She omits any invitations towards her presence.  It's a cruel, cruel time-out. She's so cruel...  I sighed as she slipped out past the door.    
  
I made my way back to rehearsal. Luna waved at me as I entered the room. She was sitting on the floor in a split position.  I smiled vaguely back at her as I then started looking across the room, and noticing Sulli wasn't here... was she with Krystal? What are they doing? Listen to me... I'm going crazy. I rubbed my face with one of my hands... slowly and exhaling. This uncomfortable feeling in my chest, as if it was tearing apart from the inside out.  How could I possibly be jealous of Sulli? She's my little brother... How could I possibly be jealous period? Krystal's not mine... I have no right to feel upset about her not telling me what's in her diary. I have no right to be jealous about her not telling me anything about her crush... no right.   
"Shenme shi cuo de?" Vic asked me what was wrong in Chinese, as she walked up to me.  I looked up at her a bit disoriented.   
"No -- nothing. Nothing. Just tired." I said, as I forced a soft smile.  The rehearsal room doors opened, as Krystal and Sulli walked in together giggling. So, they  _were_  together.   
"Listen up, ladies."  said Jang, as he gathered us around.  "Tomorrow is the start of your tour.  You ladies, together with your other fellow rookie groups, will be doing opening performances for SNSD, Kara and Wonder Girls. Obviously, these groups are already extremely well known. So, this is the chance for you rookies to make an impression. "We're finally performing tomorrow. It just hit me out of nowhere. With Krystal constantly occupying my mind... I forget what I'm here for.  With Jang reminding me how incredibly fucking important this is, I could feel goosebumps crawling all over my skin... of pure fucking excitement. _This_ is what I'm here for. This is what you're here for, Amber. This is what you were born for.  Hell to the yes! We'll give 'em an impression they'll never forget, that's for sure! I started grinning. It was like some sort of adrenaline rush -- the thought of being on a stage.  I mean -- the company, they're really throwing us into the sharks. We're opening for Girl's Generation. Do you have any idea how many fucking people will be there? I know they're not there for me, but someday... they will be, especially after we blow them away tomorrow night.  Oh... and not to mention, Jackie and mom are flying in tonight. I won't be able to see them tonight, since they'll be going directly to the hotel, but I told them we'd hang out all day tomorrow  before the show.  They asked us to take tomorrow to relax, and unwind so that we're fresh for the performance, and that's exactly what I'm planning on doing.   
"Ok, girls. So, let's take it from the top. One more time!" said Jang, as we got in position to La Cha Ta.   
  
[La Cha Ta Rehearsal](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6BJ5Dd-_I4)  
  
"Great job, girls! That was great!" Jang said, as everyone started picking up to head out. "Oh wait, wait! One more thing. Not so fast, girls. We need a  _name_... for you girls." he said. I was a bit confused...   
"A name?" I asked.   
"For the group." he said, as he took out a small booklet packed with lists of prefixes and suffixes of possible band name combinations.  We all gathered around, the girls got super excited... but most of these names were freaking corny as hell -- being honest here.   
"Flower Power?" I said, as I cringed. "You're kidding me, right?" I said, as I raised my eyebrow and looked up at Jang. He shrugged. No wonder most of these K-pop bands have such corny names.   
"I like Flower Power." said Sulli.   
"Yeah, it's like Girl Power." said Luna.   
"Why don't we do X Power...?" said Krystal.  
"Why X?" Asked Vic. I was wondering, too. What is the X going to mean?   
"It's kind of like a play on words. 'Cause 'Girl Power' is going to sound too corny, like Amber said... but, X stands for girl." she explained. I was still kind of lost. "X is the symbol for the female chromosome. You know -- the chromosome found in the reproductive cells? When determining the gender of their child, women always contribute the X chromosome." she explained.  Everyone said "Ohhhhhh..."   
"Yeah...! That makes sense... contribute... contribute..." I thought aloud. "FX!" I said, me being the math junkie that I am.   
"FX?" they asked.  I looked in the back of the booklet for a blank page and wrote it out.   
  
                F (x)   
  
"The function of x!" said Krystal, as she immediately understood me.   
"The function of x equals x 2, which means two x's (xx), which is the female gender." I finished explaining.   
"Oh my god! That's brilliant! Because, men can contribute both X and Y chromosomes, it's only when it's two X's that it stands for a girl." said Krystal.   
"What about the flowers?" asked Sulli, pouting slightly.  
"F can also mean flower, instead of function." said Vic, trying compromise.   
"We are so cool!" Luna said excitedly, as she jumped and cheered raising her arms.   
"So... F(x), huh?" said Jang, as we turned around to see him looking at us proudly. "I love it." he smiled.  
"Definitely way better than Flower Power, that's for sure." I said jokingly. 

_F(x)_  
  
  
 

\----------------------------------------  
Saturday, September 17th - Early that Evening  
\----------------------------------------

"It's pretty... claustrophobic." I said, as I stepped into our touring trailer.  I looked around, and there were two sets of bunk beds all gathered in the same area, and then another smaller bed against a corner of the wall.  A couch in the small kitchen, dining area, and a bathroom stall.  We were pretty much going to be around each other 24/7, which was pretty cool... but I  _do_  need some alone time here and there.  Our first show would be in Seoul. We'd be taking the night off, and then head out to Incheon the next day.  Mom and Jackie would only be tagging along for my Seoul concert, and then they would head out to see some attractions in Seoul while I finished my tour. I'm really not entirely sure what they have planned. I don't think I'll be able to see them again after my concert... or before they leave. It'd be great if they could tag along, but there wouldn't be enough space for them in the trailer, and they can't afford to travel that far. Sucks, but hey. Shit happens. I'm just glad they're here. I'm just glad they'll see me perform for the very first time, ever.   
"Jang, where are you sleepin'?" I asked him, as he made his way to the driver seat, and started accommodating the area.   
"Pshhh, sleep? What's that?" he chuckled.  "I sleep on the couch."  
"Wait, so while you're sleeping, who else is going to drive?" I asked, as a chauffeur looking guy walked into the trailer.    
"This is Hajoon. He will be our driver, and we will be taking turns." Jang explained, as Hajoon bowed with a hello.   
"Top is mine!" Luna yelled, as she rushed to one of the top bunks, throwing her luggage on top of it.   
"Why top? What if I fall? What if you fall Luna?" said Sulli, with an adorable worried face as she paced slowly to the bunk underneath Luna, and placed her luggage there.   
"No yelling..." said Vic, as she walked to the corner bed, throwing herself on it. "Not bad..." she said, and smiled as she closed her eyes, throwing her back onto the bed.  Me and Krystal turned to look at each other, and quickly began our usual battle...  
"Rock, paper, scissor..." we both said, as we started dueling for the top bunk. "...rock, paper, scissor... rock paper, scissor..."    
"Damn it...!" I said.  Krystal grinned quickly and giggled, as she climbed up on the top bunk.   
"I'm now the queen!" she said, sitting at the tip of the bed, and cheering with her hands in the air.   
"No, I'm the queen..." said Luna, as she stuck her tongue out at Krystal, also sitting at the tip of her bed.   
"You're on different beds, so different Kingdoms." I said, trying to resolve the issue.   
"I'll just have to conquer her side, then." said Krystal, rubbing her chin and squinting her eyes with a mischievous look on her face.  "Servant! Get me her bed!" Krystal demanded of me.  Luna held up a pillow in front of her, as in a defensive stance.   
"Ddudungie, what on earth are you going to do with two beds?" I asked, being a smartass.   
"Don't question my orders." she said, joking around.   
"Alright, guys. We'll be leaving in a couple of minutes, get all settled in." said Jang.  I climbed up the ladder to Krystal's bunk, stood on one of the steps and poked her knee, as she was sitting butterfly style.  
"Hm?" she said, turning towards me with a curious look on her face.   
"So, I'm guessing you're not mad at me anymore?" I asked.  She smirked at the question.   
"I never was."   
"You  _so_  were. I know you, Soojungie." I said, returning her a smirk.   
"Nu uh..." she said, turning away and starting to open her backpack.  "So, did you have a good time with your mom and your sister?" she asked, changing the subject.  
"Yeah, actually.  Mom got a car rental and picked me up at the dorm. I took them to Song Jook Heon. You know, that restaurant on Yulgok-ro street? The one I went to with Henry and Min, that you said was like super authentic Korean?"  
"Oh gawd, I love that place. So, you liked it that much?"  
"Yeah, it was great. Mom and Jackie loved it, too.  Yeah... sorry you didn't see them. I was going to see if we could meet up real quick after the concert. Jackie wants to meet you... We were just a little behind schedule today. I wanted to show them so many things, and take them everywhere. I didn't even have a chance for them to check out the dorms." I explained to her.   
"Yeah..." she said, as she continued to look through her backpack. Almost, as if she was fake looking just to fidget, or find something to do with her hands.  It didn't look like she was actually looking for anything specific.   
"Yeah, mom kept saying how she wanted to meet Henry... it was awkward." I continued. She giggled, as I had already told Krystal about Henry liking me, and everything. I never told her  _why_  I didn't accept his 'advances'... but gawd.  She wouldn't shut up about how right she was.  "Whatever..." I said with a smirk, seeing how she giggled at me. I poked her shoulder repeatedly. "Look at meeee... stop messing with your backpack..." I pouted in a whiny tone. She turned towards me, giving her usual smirk and raised eyebrow.  
"Happy?" she said.  I nodded  rapidly with a dorky grin.  She petted my head, messing up my hair.   
"You're styling me tonight, right?" I asked.   
"If I don't do it no one will, not even yourself.  So, yeah. I'm styling you." she teased me.   
"Sweet." I said, as she stopped fidgeting through her backpack, and lifted her knees up to her chest. She placed her chin on her knee, covering her mouth. She stared at me. I placed my hands on the top step of the ladder, placing my chin over my hands while I stared right back at her.  I smiled, starting to feel the awkwardness kick in. Who the hell just bluntly stares at someone else? I gave her a nervous smile.  "What?" I chuckled.   
"Nothing..." she said, as she lifted her chin up a bit, revealing her lips to speak.  "... just picturing in my head how I want to style your hair tonight." she said, as she returned my smile.   
"Yeah... tonight... how do you feel about Jessica being there?" I asked.   
"Neutral, honestly.  It's not her fault I'm her shadow, anyway..." she said. Lately, she's been a lot more passive than usual about the subject. "I'm still going to do everything I can to make my own name for myself... to reach the top on my own... not just because I'm Baby Jung..." she said,  with a bit more sass.    
"Ooooohh, miss feisteh...!" I said, teasing her.  She giggled as she pushed my cheek with her hand, while I then turned my head a bit and poked her hand with the tip of my tongue.   
"Ewwwwww Llama goo." she said, still giggling... as we then both started laughing.   
  
There's something about crushes that is just absolutely tricky, sneaky, and just outright confusing.  They come in this extremely simple friendship package. Harmless, right? So, of course you'd open the package. What could ever go wrong...? And it's just full of adorable quirks, habits, mannerisms, moments, beauty, attraction, connection -- just absolutely overwhelming amounts of 'crush content' that just begin to fly at you... and the effects can last from a week to -- to fucking years!  Crushes are long lasting sons of bitches, and depending on how big of a package you have, these 'crush contents' can just keep popping out of the package non-stop.  If you had the misfortune of your package being too big like mine was, overdosing on the contents of the package may occur.  This overdose phenomena is called 'falling in love'.  Side effects may include but are not limited to: jealousy, red cheeks, stutters, nervous laughs, excessive hygienic care, singing in the showers, insomnia due to excessive thinking about owner of said contents...  Basically, what I'm trying to say is... your crush will remain your crush for months -- _years_ if you don't get too close to them. If you get too close, your crush becomes love.  

_I got too close._  
  
  
 

"Amber, I need to use the bathroom..." said Krystal, from the other side of the door of the bathroom stall.    
"Ummm... yeah just gimme a minute. I'll be out in a second."   
"What are you doing? You've been in there for like ever..." she said with a giggle. "... did you get your period and forget the pads?" she asked, giggling even more.   
"Nope. I'm not Soojungie." I said as I opened the door, with a smartass grin on my face.  She gave me a smirk, and looked at me from top to bottom, as if she was thinking of a comeback reply.   
"Wait... is that my diary!?" she exclaimed, as she snatched it from my hand.   
"Hey! No! That's mine!" I said, trying to get it back, as she made her way to my bed, lying on her tummy and legs upwards.    
"Oh my god, this looks exactly like mine! You copycat! When did you get it?" she asked, as she went through the pages.   
"Jackie got it for me in Cali! Give it back! You don't let me see yours, I'm not letting you see mine."  I pouted with a whiny tone, as I kept trying to take it from her.   
"Wow, so this is what you were hiding from me in the stall...?" she said with a giggle. "Oh my god! Oh my god no!" she yelled, as she busted out laughing.  I started to tickle her from behind, as I finally snatched it off her hands. I quickly sat at the corner of my bed, placing the diary under my thighs. She turned around on her back, and poked my back with her feet.   
"Mine." I said, with a pouty tone.  
"So, you get a diary, and you don't even write in it at all... you just draw." she said, teasing me. 

_Amber's Drawing_  
  
  
 

"So?" I said, still pouting. Ugh, I can't believe she saw my diary. Now I can't make her show me hers.   
"Cute drawings..." she said, as I felt her feet, no longer poking, but rubbing on my back slowly. I blushed. "Thanks. I did them in pen."   
"I noticed. What if you make a mistake?"  
"It's good for practicing patience, and being careful." I explained.  "And I wasn't  _'hiding'_  from you." I said, as I did air quotations with my hands. "I just... wanted some alone time. It's so crowded in here." I said, as I shifted my gaze to the side, slightly blushing... her feet still massaging my back.    
"Yeah... it is a little." she said, as she crawled up over to me, and sat next to me on the bed. "We're almost there." she said with a nervous but excited sigh, as she placed her chin on my shoulder. I nodded, as I turned my head a bit towards her, giving her a warm smile.

  


  
"Now presenting, Super Junior - M!" said the announcer on the stage.   
"Hellz yeah! That's my boy on stage, yo!" I said, as I saw Henry go at it from backstage.   
"Sungmin Oppa... is so cute!" said Sulli, as she came up from behind me. I chuckled.   
"They're killing it, yo! It's making me nervous. Are we gonna look this good on stage?" I asked.  
"Don't worry, I'll look good for all of us." said Krystal, joking around.   
"You're so cocky!" I said, poking her cheek.   
"I learned from the best." she said, sticking her tongue out at me, and squinting her adorable eyes.   
"Is everyone ready?" asked Vic, as she walked over to us together with Luna. "We're up next." she said.   
"I don't know. Ask Krystal. She's the one getting me ready. I'm her mannequin" I said, with a huge grin.   
"Yes, you're ready, my adorable servant." said Krystal, as she grabbed both of my cheeks and pinched them tenderly.   
  
"Who's excited to see... Girl's Generation!?" asked the announcer. The crowd roared. These chicks were so famous, they weren't even at the same entrance stage as we were. They had their own exclusive area. Krystal hadn't even seen her sister since we all got here... well she did mention they would meet up after the concert... but still! Come on, she's your lil' sis. Not even a good luck, break a leg?   
"Do you know where they're sitting at?" Krystal whispered in my ear.   
"They said they'd be in the front. They said they'd be so close, I'd be able to see them in the crowd." I responded.  She was asking me about my mom and Jackie.   
"Good luck, girls!" said Henry, as he passed by us with the rest of the Super Junior-M group. He gave me a bro punch on the shoulder. "Kill it, Ber."   
"You already know!" I said to him, as he went further into the backstage.  I'm the one who's supposed to introduce the group... I was so nervous. I wonder how they'd react to me. It'll be something they've never seen before.  I'm strange. I'm a stranger.    
"Amber?" Krystal said, noticing how I was blacking... spacing out again.   
"I'm strange, Krys..." I whispered to her, couldn't even finish my thought, but she noticed my sudden realization. She knew me so well. She knew exactly what I was thinking.  She gave me a small, worried frown, which then quickly tuned into a smile.   
"You're a beautiful kind of strange." she said. I smiled back at her, our stares holding onto each other...   
"You really think so...?" I asked suddenly, realizing I held my stare for way too long...    
  
"Put your hands together! For!  F(x)!!!!!" said the announcer. He said it so loud, interrupting our conversation.  I was good, though. Krystal gave me confidence, and I was just gonna do me. Time to be my usual Llama self, and hope they like it. I was the first to walk out into the stage. I could see my mom and Jackie, right in my freaking face. They got the very, very front seats. They were so close that the spotlight of the stage illuminated their faces, enough for me to see them clearly... I couldn't help but smack a huge smile on my face when I saw them. They both screamed my name over and over again, as I began my intro.    
  
"Yo! Yo! F(x) in da house!" I said, as the intro beat for La Cha Ta started playing, and Luna started rocking that beautiful voice of hers.    
  
[Debut La Cha Ta](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59JmAv1QKgk)  
  
An encore. They wanted an encore.   
  
"F(x)! F(x)! F(x)!" The crowd kept shouting...   
  
                 _"If they ask for an encore..."  
                "They won't. Not if we're performing right before Girls Generation." I interrupted Jang.   
                "But if they do... if you blow them away... give it to them." he finished._    
  
Holy shit. They loved us... They want more. I looked at the group -- we all looked at each other. The only dance we practiced was La Cha Ta.  I turned off my mic piece.   
  
"Chu?" I asked them, they nodded. We didn't have a dance for that song yet, but we sure as hell could improvise and sing it for them -- and that's exactly what we did. As I turned my mic piece back on, I bit my bottom lip at the sight of Krystal's singing, since she had the first line of the song.   
  
I didn't just want to stand there and sing. So, after Krystal was done with her part, I went up to her and picked her up on my shoulder -- piggy back. The crowd roared even more. 

[Encore Moments](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ASAqJ9IDqo)

  
_"Amber...~~"_  Krystal said, as she poked both of my cheeks from above my shoulder, passing me off to my rap part of the song. Krystal and I... we had way too much chemistry performing, it was crazy.   
  
I also noticed that... both times that I've rapped... I hear  _a lot_ of girls screaming -- I haz the swag.    
  
Anyway, we literally did the entire song with me giving Krystal a piggy back ride. The crowd loved it... They loved me being my dorky self. This is the feeling I was missing. I was finally on a stage performing to a crowd full of lovers. The fact that I was sharing this moment with Jackie, with mom... with Krystal... made it so much more amazing. I looked around us. Luna, Sulli and Vic were all so overwhelmingly happy with the crowd's response, as well. Everything suddenly felt slow motioned, as I looked up at Krystal... she was smiling uncontrollably... she suddenly looked down at me, and gave an even bigger smile with a giggle, as she wrapped her hands tighter around my neck, placing her chin on the top of my head.    
...  
...  
...  
  
 **"I'm so in love with this girl..."**  I said to myself in the heat of the moment, knowing that the noise of the crowd would drown my voice... but forgetting that my mic piece was still turned on...   
...  
...  
...  
  
Everything went blank.  
  
As I froze on stage.   
  
My face went pale.   
  
Everyone heard me.    
  
I gulped, as I looked down to see Jackie and my mom... mom turned around and started walking away, as I lost her in the crowd.  Jackie's jaw was dropped... she could feel my embarrassment.  I put Krystal down immediately without even looking at her, as I rushed out of the stage.  
  
"Amber...! Amber wait!" Krystal shouted at me, as she went after me.   
  
I wasn't going to look back. I kept rushing through the building, trying to find an exit door.   
"Amber...!" Krystal said, as she finally caught up to me, and grabbed a hold of my hand. I turned around but didn't say a word. I looked down at her shoes... I couldn't take it to look her in the eyes... mine were starting to get swollen from holding back tears. "It was a girl... wasn't it?" she asked me. My eyes grew wide... she probably knew this whole time. She probably suspected this whole time... I'm so fucking stupid... I couldn't contain the embarrassment... Fuck it.  I looked up at her, tears forming in my eyes.   
  
"Yes...!   
  
... and I'd never be so in love with anyone... the way I was with her...

...and then I met you, Krys..." I said, with anger mixed with embarrassment dripping out of my voice, as I snatched my hand out of hers and ran out to the exit of the building.   
  
The trailer. It's empty... but they'll probably soon be back.   
  
The safest place right now would probably be...   
  
The bathroom stall.   
  
And here I am. That's how I got here.   
  
 _It's Saturday 11:45 PM -- 15 minutes until my 21st birthday, and I'm curled up in the corner of the dark bathroom stall in our touring trailer, right in between the toilet seat and the sink cabinet.  I scrunch up my nose as it touches the tip of the toilet paper roll that's right in front of me.  I feel a tear roll down to the tip of my nose, as it soaks right into the paper scroll. My cheeks are burning red of embarrassment.  How did I get here? It's like my body automatically found this place. It's really the only time of privacy I have when on tour.  Even when it's to sleep, I have to bunk with everyone else. Maybe it felt the stall as a safe haven. As the only room that can be locked and isolated. "Fuck...!" My heart aches... "Amber, you're a fucking idiot." I say to myself under my breath._  
  
"Amber..." Krystal's voice. It softly called out my name... from the other side of the door of the bathroom stall.

  
                 _To be continued..._

 

  
  
_Slow down... I don't want to stop now...!  
What's the point of falling if we don't hit ground?  
But every single breath is another chance I get to be close to you._   
_[Morgan Page and Michael S. - Against The World](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53KcoU5fsRw) _


	7. Doors & Barriers

_Doors & Barriers_

  
 

Krystal... gawd Krystal... I really don't want to face you right now, _especially_ after confessing -- not once, but twice -- that I'm in love with you.   
  
"Amber... Amber please, let me in." her voice resonates through the stall...   
  
Another tear trails down my cheek, and I catch it with the back of my hand right before it hits the toilet paper scroll again.  Why is she here? She should feel absolutely uncomfortable, embarrassed, and not want to talk to me at all. She should despise me right now. Why is she here? Wait... I know why.   
  
Pity.  
  
I fear pity. I hate pity. More so... my own.   
"Amber..."  she said, with resignation in her voice. I wasn't answering her.  So, why did she keep insisting? I heard her back slide down against the door, as I also noticed her pants underneath the stall.  She sat down.  How long was she planning on staying there?  
  
I don't want her pity. I don't want her to be nice. I don't deserve it, anyway. I pressed my knees closer against my chest, wrapping my arms around them.  I sniffled... as much as I tried to keep quiet. As much as I tried to not feel... I suppose you can't hide pain forever.  
  
"Amber...!"  she reacted to my sniffling. "Amber, I know you're in there... please just let me in... please talk to me."   
"... just go away, Krystal."  I finally replied.   
"Why...?!  Why do you keep pushing me -- everyone away?" she exclaimed, she demanded an answer. An answer I didn't have. I honestly -- I don't know why -- _why_ I didn't have an answer.  I heard her sigh in frustration when she didn't get a reply. "I just want to talk to you..."  she said with a defeated sigh.  
  
Opening the door meant opening myself up. It meant opening myself up to her so much more, and becoming even more vulnerable than she's already made me. Something that I just couldn't put myself through right now. Opening this door meant facing her, and explaining my feelings.  Do you have any idea the terror of explaining your feelings to someone who will never reciprocate them? This door... needed to stay shut. At one point, I wanted to open this door, to tear down this barrier that came in between us. I wanted to somehow manage to crack it open... I regret now _ever_ wanting that.  I'm such a fucking pussy, I know. I can't help but feel terrified of what's waiting for me on the other side... on the other side of this door, this barrier. I can't help but hide.   
  
"Talk about what?!" I finally replied.   
"About what just happened!" she said, with even more frustration. The entire atmosphere was so clouded. It was hard to think. It was hard to get words well in place. It was hard to express anything.  
"I don't want to talk about it, Krys! I don't want your fucking pity. Just fucking leave...!" I said with anger. I was upset at myself, not at her -- but I noticed how harsh that must have sounded towards her "... just leave me alone..."  I said, much softer this time.  
"Is that what you think of me!? That I pity you...?!"  
"... what I think of everyone... even myself." I said softly, but she didn't hear me...  
"You're so fucking clueless, you know that!? Happy fucking birthday...!" she said with anger -- but I could hear the tears in her voice -- as she violently shoved, what looked to be like a wrapped gift, underneath the stall. I could hear her getting up quickly and running off, slamming the door of the trailer, without even letting me get one more word in.    
  
I stared at the gift for a moment, as I sniffled. She got me something? She got me something... for my birthday? I stood up slowly, and turned on the light of the stall. It was rectangular, and wrapped in -- a rushed smile escaped me -- the wrapping had parachutes.    
  
Parachutes.    
  
                -"Hey, how come I didn't get the parachute blanket?" I pouted jokingly, as I started to snuggle with myself under the covers.  
                -"Parachutes are not for llamas, they're for people."

"Jo...?"  
"Jackie?!" I said, with relief in my voice.  
"Open up... I'm the only one here." she said.  She knew I would ask.  
"How'd you know I was here?" I asked, as I opened the door slowly, still being cautious.  
"I bumped into Krystal on my way here... she said you were locked inside the bathroom stall. Weirdo." she said, with a light chuckle.  
"Oh gosh..." I exhaled, while quickly sinking back into my corner.  
"She looked pretty pissed off..." she said, as she sat in front of me.  
"She has every right to be..." I said softly, sitting butterfly style, looking down towards my feet. I began to fidget with the shoe laces on my sneakers.   
"Jo... I'm sorry..." she said, not really knowing what to do to make me feel better. I guess the only person I could be certain that would never pity me, would be Jackie.  She was just _there_... her sheer existence was a consolation, and her company was pretty much a bonus.  
"What else did she tell you?" I asked.  
"That was it. I saw her, I recognized her, I said I'm sorry, and I asked her where you were..." she explained.  
"Gawd, Jackie... I'm so stupid..." I said, as I sunk my face into the palm of my hands.  "Where's mom?" I asked, my voice muffled by my hands.  
"No, you're not... I think she went back to the hotel... in the car..." she sighed. "So, I'm gonna have to catch a cab to the hotel... and you're paying." she said with a light chuckle, as she poked the top of my head softly. That's Jackie. Always tyring to make light of any situation, no matter how bad. If I die before her, she'll probably be cracking jokes at my funeral. I'm almost sure of it. I smiled lightly at the thought.   
"Jackie... I'm so sorry. This is all my fault..." I said, as I looked up towards her, removing my face from my hands -- regret all over me.    
"No it isn't... It's no big deal.  She just... doesn't get it. Don't worry about it.  I'll sweeten her up when I get to the hotel." she tried to reassure me.  
"What can you possibly tell her that can sweeten her up? The whole 'Christian parents completely accepting their gay child' thing sounds fantastic -- but probably not going to happen with mom.  You can sweet talk her into me coming to South Korea, you can sweet talk her into anything you want Jackie, but not on this..."  I explained.  
"Really, Amber? You know mom's a sweetheart. She can be difficult and not understanding at times, but she'll try to understand, you know this! I mean... what do you think she's gonna do? Disown you?" Jackie refuted.  
  
I didn't respond, because I _did_ think so. I really did. Jackie's never seen mom when she gets pissed, the way mom gets pissed at me. Jackie's always been the normal daughter, everything mom's wanted.  Me? I sometimes feel like I'm the reason why dad left in the first place... I seriously even felt like she was going to disown me for doing my music career instead of medicine, like she wanted me to do... like she wanted her perfect little daughter to do.  
  
"Come on, Amber. Be real. I'd disown her first before she even _thought_ of disowning you -- and for something so dumb!"  Jackie said, trying to be nonchalant about it.   
"It's not dumb to her, Jackie!" I said with frustration.  "It's not... it's not dumb for pretty much the majority of the fucking world. Everyone thinks I'm a fucking freak of nature, and that the world would have been so much better if I had just gotten swallowed at birth..."  
  
I can't believe I just said that aloud.  
  
Is this how Soyeon felt...? Is this why she did it...?  
  
Jackie's never heard me talk like that before. I've always kept it in... I've never _felt_ , but being around Krystal really _has_  made me so much more vulnerable... it really has. I was even surprised at myself.  Jackie just looked at me, wide eyes, worry all over her face.   
"Jo... I didn't..." she didn't know what to say. She reached out, grabbed me and held me close... just hugged me.  
  
Silent tears started to flow out of my eyes, even more... I cried. Fuck.  
  
"I should probably just go back home with you guys." I said, in between tears.  
"Of course not... Didn't you hear that crowd? They love you. You gotta finish this tour."  
"Not anymore. Not after tonight... The media is a fucking bully."  
"You can easily brush this off... as a joke, as a..." she tried hard to think of something. "I'm sure your manager -- err public relations manager or whatever -- they'll think of something..." she tried to reassure me, as she stroked my head.    
"Thanks for coming, Jackie..." I said. "It's such a relief that you're here...but you should get back, though -- to the hotel, I mean. Once mom comes to realize, she's going to start worrying about if you're ever going to get back."  
"Yeah, well -- she shouldn't have stormed off the way she did... you're paying."  
"Of course, dork..." I agreed, as I poked her stomach lightly. I pulled away from her embrace, giving her a light smile while I rubbed my eyes from my tears.  
"What's that?" she said, as she looked behind me to see Krystal's gift.  
"Well, as you can see, I haven't opened it yet. So, I have no clue." I said in between sniffles, being a smartass.  
"Well duh, but who gave it to you?"  
"Krystal..." I said, softly and under my breath.  Jackie gave me a huge grin.  
"Well, open it dummy!"   
I shrugged. "I feel guilty even receiving anything from her... I'm giving it back... that's why I haven't opened it."  I explained, as Jackie gave me a confused look.  
"Weirdo... how can you not even be curious?" she said, as she stood up and started walking out the bathroom.  "Are you coming?" she asked me, as I still sat there.  
"Umm... I think -- I think I'll stay here until everyone goes to sleep..." I said. "My wallet is under my bed in my backpack."   
  
I had turned off the lights again, and had gone back to my corner. I just wanted to pretend like nothing happened, like the world had stopped turning, and like nothing existed. Sitting in darkness... kind of... sort of gave me that feeling. I placed Krystal's gift in front of me, and I just sat there. Staring at it. I could hear everyone starting to enter the trailer.  Conversations taking place, all in Korean. I heard everyone's voice... except Krystal's.  
  
Moments later, I stepped out of the bathroom, noticing everyone had passed out. All fast asleep. I placed the gift underneath my pillow, with plans of giving it back to Krystal tomorrow before heading out to the next city. That is, If we _do_ head out after all, if they don't cancel our tour... for whatever reason. I checked my phone that had been resting next to my pillow.   
  
 **Snoopy says:**  
 _"Ber, everything's gonna be alright."_

A text from Henry. Maybe I _am_ being paranoid about this... maybe everything _will_ be just fine... right? I lied on my bed. I curled up on my side facing the wall... I stared at the wall as my mind subconsciously repeated the scene over and over again... The scene at the stage, where I confessed to being in love with Krystal. To the world. To the whole _god damn_ world. I sighed, as I closed my eyes, trying to hopefully get some sleep. My chest still felt so tight. So constricted...  When suddenly, I felt hands wrap around my chest, legs wrap around my waist, and a head rest itself on my back... I gasped lightly...

" _I was scared of flying on this plane called love that carries us..._ "  
"Krystal?" I whispered, confused.  
" _...I already know it will fall down soon... The rising feelings can't be hidden, can't be stopped, until where will it go? Everything I know is being with you..._ " she continued, as I felt her lips move against the cloth of my shirt, her warm breath sending chills all througout my body... her small breasts pressed against my back.  
  
I listened attentively. One of her poems?   
  
" _Past_ _the tall forest of buildings, across the horizon, feeling overwhelmed... the air current shakes, close your eyes and come with me..._ "  
"Krystal..." I finally said, firmly this time. Not as a question. "What are you doing...?" I asked.  
"Holding you..." she whispered in response.  I placed my hands softly over hers, as they were still wrapped around me.  
"But why...?" I asked, feeling a knot in my throat, afraid of what her answer might be...   
"Because I've been wanting to for such a long time..." her words clashed against my chest like lightning. Why could I hear desperation in her voice? I felt tears form in my eyes, and I didn't know why.  Was she being nice...?  She's so nice... Why is she so nice...?  I felt too sleepy to make any sense of what was happening. Whatever this was... it was the most comforting feeling I've ever felt in a while. The girl that I now love is right next to me, and isn't going anywhere. Right now, she isn't leaving.    
  
And for the second time in forever, I slept with her right next to me... right by my side.    
  
I woke up early morning and I felt the trailer moving. Were we already on our way to the next city? Everyone seemed to still be sound asleep, as everything was so quiet. The only sound was the whistling of the wind passing us by from the outside of the trailer.  I looked over my shoulder, and there she was... the things she said last night when she came into my bed... did she mean all of that? Was I dreaming? I must have been dreaming... but I wasn't.  Her arms, her legs, still wrapped around my body.  She actually _did_ wrap herself around me... her eyes peacefully shut, sound asleep. I turned myself towards her slowly, trying to not wake her.  I wanted to face her.  I wanted -- I _needed_ to feel her breathing against my skin, against my lips.  She made a soft whimper sound, her lips partly opened. I stroked her cheek softly with the tip of my thumb, as I continued to look at her, just look. I could look at her forever, her being _literally_ the most beautiful thing I have ever seen... and for every millisecond that I look at her, I'm reminded of how in love with her I am.   
  
So, I really wasn't dreaming... I turned to lie on my back, facing the bottom of the top bunk. One hand on my forehead, and the other rested on my tummy.    
  
Why is she so nice?  
  
I sat up on the bed, still next to her.  Geez, she's such a deep sleeper. No movement I make will wake her... nothing I do would wake her up...  
  
I leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. I leaned back up to look at her again in hopes my kiss didn't wake her either. I turned around to look forward as I rubbed my face with my hands, all the way through my hair, and to the back of my neck. I took a deep breath in, and exhaled.  
  
["Iris" - Goo Goo Dolls](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pv4tcbDArM)  
  
I was afraid of today.  I was afraid of facing the world... but at least she didn't hate me.  At least, she cares enough to -- to hold me, and to not think anything of it -- of any of this. This mess. She actually really _does_ care about me...  
  
I reached underneath my pillow and took out the gift. She really _does_ feel like I deserve this... I chuckled lightly to myself... even when she pretty much told me to shove it up my ass... She's so feisty like that. I unwrapped it slowly, as I smiled at the parachutes again.   
  
Her diary?  
  
...

  
  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
 ****A little teaser chapter for my fans. =) Short, sweet, and simple. Oopps. And another cliffhanger! >_  
Please comment, and share! =D  
  
Note: Those lyrics are from the English Translation of the song "Airplane" by f(x).   
  
STAY TUNED: The next chapter is going to be all about what's in Krystal's diary! DON'T YOU ALL WANT TO KNOW!!!!?  =DD  
  
 _Kryber is Love_


	8. The Diary of a Princess

 

  
_The Diary of a Princess_

 

I didn't really know what to think, as I opened the diary. I was nervous, and I wasn't quite sure why. In between the hard cover and the first page, there was a birthday card.  
  
                 _Happy Birthday, my loyal servant. Today on your 21st birthday, I present to you..._  
 _ _The Diary of Your Princess. kekekekeke!~~__  
  
I chuckled. Heh... and she calls _me_ the dork.  
I turned to the next page...

Memories of Chapter Two

 

 _I got the call.  Of course I got the call.  Everyone knows that my audition was just a spoof for fairness, something that everyone had to do, even me. I really wasn't going to go that day.  I wanted to be a rebel, and tell my family to go and screw theirselves. I wanted to stay in school and work up the ladder my own way, but ultimately decided that it was best to be the bigger person._  
  
 _ _I got there late, but I got there._  
  
 _I_ **will** _be the bigger person, but in the end, I will definitely make sure that nothing gets handed to me just because.  I will prove my worth all on my own, and I will make it because of_ **me** _. This will be my most precious life goal.  I want to do what I love because of me, and not because of them or anyone else._  
  
 _And this diary... this diary will follow me on my day to day. This diary will outline all of the steps I take to reach my goal.  I refuse to continue to be just that girl who is part of the successful Jung family, or who is Jessica's little sister. I'm Soojung Jung,  I am my own entity, I will break every single k-pop girl group stereotype, and my story starts here.__   

 

I smiled at her determination and ambition.  How can she possibly say she's not at all admirable...  She's no princess.  She's a little warrior.  Oh wait, like Xena! The warrior princess... I'm a dork.  Anyway... I turned to the next few pages.

 

_I'm off and away! My fellow trainee? A super cool oppa!_

 

Am not... I thought to myself.  Again. Everyone thinks I have testicles.

 

_He is a_ **_she_ ** _! A tomboy, a girl with a boyish charm. For a second, I really thought she was a guy, and that the company had just mixed up names. Amber, is her name... and she LOVES tacos and burritos! =D So, that's one thing we have in common.  Though, I was too embarrassed to pig out as much as she did. XD She shall nevah know! I'm curious, though... as to how talented she is... I mean, she actually did get picked out of so many people! I'd never be able to get a chance to test myself like that... I've already pretty much been handpicked at birth._   
  
__I already know -- well, I'm almost 99% sure we're both going to end up in the same group. Just because, I know how M-town works, and if we are, she will be one less person I'd have to convince.  Her style is already so different from the typical k-pop female idols... and from the questions she asked me, she wants to keep her style. We'd be so different from every other cliché girl group, and one step closer to breaking the stereotypes... I didn't want to bring my hopes up too much, though... I'd still have to talk to the manager once we got to the company. So, I didn't say much about it... but I want it. I want it bad: Revolutionize._ _

 

Thank god for zero pink skirts or dancing to Madonna, I said to myself as I giggled softly.  Our group definitely got lucky. Neither of us, not one, are interested in being anything but ourselves.

 

_We're not sitting together. =( Instead... I'm sitting next to a creepy, old white guy. >.<  And the plane already took off... T_T I'm going to be alone the whole ride._   
  
__This Jesse guy let us sit together! Yay! =D And he did it... with SASS!_   
_He also thought me and Amber were dating for some reason, and I think that's why he let us sit together. Why would he ever think that? We don't even look like a couple. Haha! Awkward Amber got so uncomfortable when he said that... It was adorable._   
  
_That's it, she officially sucks. She likes the original song "Such Great Heights" more than the cover. She is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!_   
  
_I just solved a rubik's cube for the first time! Well, sort of.  Amber helped, but I did most of the work..._ _

 

Of course she'd say that. Duddungie always so hard headed in admitting she got helped.  

 

 _Okay, so maybe she doesn't completely suck. She even has a shape rubik's! She must be a math genius! Math and music? M 2!!!_   
  
That's it. Krystal is literally the biggest dork. She beat me. I kept holding in my laughs as I read... she's always hiding her true self behind that fake shyness...

 

 _So, I just embarrassed myself in front of Amber. Tough Baby Jung just bawled her eyes out in her arms. That wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to just tell her everything. I barely know her... why did she open me?  I'm supposed to be tough, determined, unbreakable.  I even told her how scared I was... Gawd... I really am scared.  Can I really possibly do everything I said I wanted to do?_  

 

...She felt the same way I did... she didn't want to break open, she wanted to hide it... like me.  I guess, I'm just a little better at it than she is...

 

 

Memories of Chapter Three

 

_It's okay, though... she's also afraid... like me._   
  
__Gawd... she has so much more right than me to be afraid... I feel so stupid, and so guilty for even crying into her arms... her loss, the pain she's feeling... I can't ever compare my pain with hers. Ever. Why does she have to hurt this bad? Why her?  She doesn't deserve that... she doesn't have to be in pain like that... no one should ever have to feel that. No one..._ _

 

That time when I told her about Soyeon -- well, I told her it was a guy -- that time, she held me... I cried in her arms like I had never cried before. The way she looked at me that day, as she held my face in the palm of her hands... how could I ever forget that? The empathy in her eyes, how she felt my pain... how it was so far, so  _very_  far away from pity...  why did I forget that? She'd never pity me... and I forgot.  Why did the thought of her giving me pity ever even cross my mind... ?  
  
 ** _I wish I could drown inside of your brain_**  
 _ **Kiss your every neurons and expel your fears away**_  
 ** _ _Tie them up with my broken heart_  
 _I would sink in your thoughts and nail my soul to your sad memories_  
 _Fill your eyes with transparency_  
 _And your ears with my acoustic songs_  
 _And your dreams_  
 _Make them all come to life_  
 _Appear in your nightmares with an S on my chest_  
 _And take you away_  
 _Far away_  
 _To a painted destiny_  
 _To a reality fairy tale_  
 _To a lifelong story with me__**  
  
Another poem... "Krystal..." I whispered softly, as I looked behind my back. She was still fast asleep... "You wanted to save me from my past...?" I looked back towards the diary "...from my sad memories?"

 

 _... I wonder what she thinks about when she spaces out. That moment when she told me about how she lost her first love, it feels like... It feels like there will never be a moment like that again.  That's the first and last time she will ever open up to me again. I guess, I'm just curious... I mean... it's not that it bothers me too much that she won't tell me... Well, actually it just worries me that... you know... that she's in pain and she has no one to talk to about it._  
  
 _ _She's such an enigma, sometimes. No wonder she loves rubik's cubes so much...__  
  
She knows I'm a rubik's cube... I thought to myself, as I smiled.    
  
 _She kind of does look like a Llama... it's cute.  I'm the luckiest princess ever!  I have a llama as a servant. A super duper adorable and smart llama._  
 _ _=^-^=__

 

I blushed.

 

Memories of Chapter Four

 

_The servant has seen my poem, and then convinced me to show her the rest. -.-' She said it was awesome, but I'm sure she's just being nice about it... and then she had me explain it to her, which was sort of embarrassing. Is it really that shocking that I've never loved? Well, I mean... you know, in a romantic sense.  Then she went into specifics: crushes, romances, flings... why are there so many categories!? I think it's so stupid. When you love, you love, right? Why do these things all have to have names? Like, does it mean you love them a little and not a lot? To me, love is just on one single scale. You either love them or you don't. There is no a little bit or a lot, love just_ **_is_ ** _.  Well, at least... that's the love I want. And I'm not asking for anything fancy or super cliché... I hate that stuff. I just want simple. Love. That's it. Because, love is supposed to be simple._

 

[F(x) Talks About Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKBgu63Cw9A)

 

Yeah, it's  _supposed_  to be... but it never is like -- 95% of the time.  I stroked my hair back with one of my hands, and sighed at the frustration of how complicated love really is, as I continued to read.

 

_I had never done that before. You know? The whole, spend an entire 24 hours non-stop with a complete stranger? No, not that part. I mean yes, that... but what I really meant was, I've never gotten this close with someone in 24 hours. I feel close. Feeling close... is that a feeling? Not... physically close, but like... I can't even describe it.  I can't really pin-point or recognize this feeling, if it is a feeling. Well, I'm feeling it, so it must be a feeling, right? This is... confusing. I think I'm attempting to poeticize something that doesn't need to be poeticized... I'll put it this way: I love talking with Amber.  I love -- I mean -- I like how she opens up to me. =) I've learned more about her in 24 hours than I've learned about anyone that I've known my whole life. She was grumpy about letting her pain out, but now... now it seems like she's loosened up about it. I guess you could also say, I'm fascinated? Yeah, I'm fascinated by her, by how there are so many layers to her. She has so many layers. So many._

 

Now I understand what she meant... That night that she suddenly got out of bed to write,  she told me she didn't want to forget the _feeling_. Krystal uses her diary to write more about how she  _feels_ , and not so much about events in the day... heh... she got confused when trying to describe that specific feeling, because she didn't know how to describe it. I guess, those are the moments when she wrinkles her forehead, the moments when she gets frustrated... and she still looks so adorable... I giggled to myself.

 

_Jang, he was the SNSD trainer before their debut, too... figures._

 

_So, Amber has no sense of fashion. It was about time, she couldn't possibly be perfect. =P I dressed her up for the party tonight... and of course she looked gorgeous._   
  
__Never mind, she is perfect. She has a black belt in taekwondo, plays guitar and also speaks Chinese... and happens to be utterly... way too friendly... sometimes._ _

 

What? Nu uh... I am not  _that_  friendly... I laughed lightly. I am perfect, though... I thought to myself jokingly,  just being my cocky, usual self.

 

_On a non-lighter note..._ _I've been feeling a lot of things lately, for which I have no description, neither name for.  Adrenaline: as we took a sneak out of the dorms. Thrill: as we both entered a club for the very first time. Drunk. Literally drunk. We really_ **_did_ ** _get so drunk, just like she promised we would. I wanted to drink, but instead I listened. Instead, I moved in sync to the beat with her all over my skin, and... all over my senses. As if -- we, ourselves, became the very essence of the beat, of the music, of the melody... our breaths intertwined... definitely drunk. I knew what she meant. She meant to get drunk with the music... but to my surprise -- to my very fucked up surprise, I instead became intoxicated by her touch. I'm not sure if I imagined it or not, but I swear it felt as if she bit the tip of my bottom lip... and it sent ... feelings -- yes, just feelings -- because I cannot name them -- all throughout my spine. Feelings that I can neither name nor describe...  I was ashamed of myself for these... feelings._

 

She  _did_  feel me bite her... I thought to myself ... and she liked it? I was in disbelief, as I felt goosebumps gather up all over my skin.

 

_But anyway, that's when I found out she knew Taekwondo. I can see why she didn't want to tell  me before. It was almost as if she turned into a totally different person. She got so defensive of me... which was sweet, but at the same time, she looked like she had lost control of herself. I really thought for a moment that she would have been able to really kill that guy, had she not been stopped. She was... so angry... Still, so amazing. I was shocked and impressed at the same time, if that's even possible._

 

... I hate it when that happens, when I lose control like that... but like I said, he so totally deserved to get pounded.  "I'm sorry I scared you Krys... " I said to myself softly, with a light sigh, as I turned to the next few pages.

 

Memories of Chapter Five

 

_In the eagerness to confirm previous feelings, I made a plan... I made it a point to kiss... no.  I made a point to_ **_test_ ** _her lips.  Gawd, I sound so pathetic. In all seriousness..._   
_  
_I wanted to kiss her._   
  
_There. I said it. Putting it bluntly...let's be serious... Yes, I did. I_ **wanted to** _, and I_ **did** _. For fuck sakes, I kissed Amber The Llama Liu!  But I can explain myself, I swear... I don't like girls. I was... curious. I was curious about those feelings, and... my curiosity got the best of me?  Not only that, but I flipping lied to her! I told her -- I ended up telling her that I had a childhood crush that I wanted to have my first kiss with, and that I needed to "practice".  Practice? Really? Really Soojung? Gawd, she must think I'm so gay. She probably totally knew I was lying...  and just -- she just wanted to save me the embarrassment and just do me the favor... I would have done the same also, because I care.  So, she cares... I guess_ _

 

...

 

_It was nothing at all like I imagined it would be, you know? Kissing. I always see it in movies, and I think to myself, isn't that awkwardly way too close to be to someone, physically speaking? Both noses crashed together, bumping; inhaling each other's oxygen as it leaves the lungs, as it escapes from lips, as we try to catch our breaths... it sounded uncomfortable... the whole idea just sounded like such a drag..._   
  
__... but it's incredible how just one set of lips can change an entire definition -- she made it comfortable... Suddenly, the idea didn't sound like such a drag, but started to feel..._   
  
_... amazing._ _   
  
_So amazing, that I felt myself unable to get away... it was probably one of the hardest things I found myself having to do: detaching my lips from hers._   
  
__I had soon arrived at the realization that, my first kiss had been with a girl, Amber being that girl, and that my first kiss had been..._ **truly** _perfect. Even though awkwardly perfect, yet still perfect. Suddenly, I was finally able to describe the feeling: Eighth heaven._ _One more heaven above seventh heaven.  One step across the line. It's like I had trespassed into something absolutely dangerous... I was in danger. Sweet, sweet danger.__

 

...

 

Memories of Chapter Six

 

_We talked a pretty long while after that, and all I could think about was... gawd... kissing her again._ _I wanted to feel like, she felt what I felt, but I mean -- I wasn't even sure of what_ **_I_ ** **** _was feeling! How can I possibly expect her to feel something that I, myself, can't even define? Something that I'm not even sure I really did feel?_

 

...

 

_Today, has been so hard to focus. Maybe, it's because I haven't danced professionally in a while. Maybe, it's because I haven't sang with discipline in a while. Maybe, it's because I haven't exercised in a while... or maybe it's because Amber's teasing voice refuses to leave my head.  She makes me smile and annoys me all at the same time. I want to try to forget all previous feelings from the night before... forget the way I felt when we first kissed -- when I had my first kiss. I'm hopeless, aren't I? Of course, no one_ **_ever_ ** _forgets their first kiss... I found myself feeling even jealous at times. Like when she told me she has a crush on someone... and she insisted so much on it not being Henry... but I can't help but think that it really_ **_is_ ** _Henry. Like, if I don't know the person, why would she have to hide it from me? I already told her I don't like him... and it's pretty obvious that Henry is 100% flirting with her._   
  
__Later that evening, I met her mom and her sister, to who she has apparently told lots about me. I hope all good things... we had a great night, aside from me menstruating, of course. That was horrible, and embarrassing... though no matter how horrible a situation, she somehow always manages to steal a smile from me.  Somehow..._   
  
_I wanted to forget, I really did. I want to forget about everything, and act as if nothing had happened. Be normal. But... she had me pinned down, figuratively and literally. She was way too close to me, again._   
  
_Jesse, it really_ **does** _feel like we're a couple._   
  
_I kissed her again, because everything felt so perfect. I was hesitant at first. I was tip toeing around the idea, but she corresponded me, the way I wanted to be corresponded, and where I felt her tongue on mine for the very first time. And the moment... it wasn't long enough... it never is... I felt an instant of her breasts, as they accommodated over mine... it was a novel feeling._   
  
_I liked it._ _   


 

Memories of Chapter Seven

 

  
_But again, she thought it was all for practice... unless she was just playing along... or at least for a second, I really did think she was just playing along and that, in reality, she knew_ **_exactly_ ** _how I felt. But when I asked her about it, she told me that, with practice like that, I'd totally blow my crush away..._   
  
__she was talking about an imaginary him... when my crush is a real her._   
  
_Did I blow her away? I wanted to know..._ _

 

"Gawd... yes, yes... you did... damn it..." I whispered to myself in frustration, as I replayed in my head every single one of those moments.  All of the regret just slammed against the back of my head, of all of those moments in which I could have just told her...  I'm your fucking crush? It was me!? This whole fucking time...?  Me...?

 

_I cried. I cried because no one will ever correspond me. Of course not. Amber told me that, maybe it's because they just haven't taken the time to get to know me... but she has... she knows me.  Someone knows me, and still I am left unrequited... but what else can I expect? What else did you expect Soojung? For a girl to reciprocate? Of course not... that's ridiculous. This is all ridiculous. No matter how normal it feels... it's not normal, right?_

 

 ** _You're summing up to my frustration, to my dying hope_**  
 _ **To my let downs for forever.**_  
 ** _ _The breakage of empathy... how it breaks_  
  
 _I'm insane with love_  
 _Body pressed against a locked door_  
 _Our fingers interlocked above your head_  
 _My lips drunk of your skin_  
 _My oxygen intoxicated by your breath_  
 _And my imagination tamed by your voice_  
  
 _You pinched open my senses..._  
 _That if my thoughts could spill, they'd cause a flood_  
 _A flood of confessions, and I'm the only one drowning_  
 _But could you blame me?_  
 _Your devil smile, your subtle frame_  
 _Summer on your skin, coal in your eyes_  
 _Would you blame me?__**  
  
What she wrote that night...?

 

Memories of Four Months Later

 

 _How silly and weak could I possibly be? What once used to be of so much importance to me, my goal, the reason for my diary, has now shifted in a totally different direction:_   _Amber._  
  
 _She is my weakness._  
  
 _I'm so in love with her that I can't stand it. A mixture of admiration, attraction and obsession that just overtakes me, overruns me, and transcends me all the way from my core to the tip of my skin.  I want to write about other things, I do... but how can I fake an emotion that just simply isn't there anymore, even more, write about it? My pencil's enchanted with her smile, and all it ever does it ramble about it.  Even though months have gone by... you'd think I'd get over such a stupid, ridiculous crush...  and at times, it seems like she feels the same.. but then it doesn't... how could I ever know?  And if I tell her, and it ends up pushing her away? How would I ever tell her, anyway? How do you tell someone something like this? Sometimes... sometimes I can't help how I act around her, and you'd think by now she'd notice... she would notice and tell me what she thinks... but gawd she's so fucking clueless!_

 

Apparently... utterly clueless... I thought to myself, as I bit my bottom lip, anxious to read more.  I had still not come to terms with everything my eyes were seeing. It felt absolutely surreal, because from the outside looking in, clueless Amber, I would have never imagined... the thought of someone having so many deep thoughts and feelings all caused by me is already hard to grasp. The way she describes how she feels, is just so overwhelming... even more overwhelming that  _I'm_  the cause...  She's in love with me? Krystal Jung, Princess Jung... is in love with me?  
  
She, who has never known or had anyone like her back, and me, completely illiterate when it comes to human emotions -- we're both two clueless chicks who would have never had any idea the other one liked the other, unless we told them right to their face -- or in this case, through an accidental public confession, and a personal (very personal) diary birthday gift... I turned to the next few pages.  
  
 _Amber..._  
  
... she's... writing directly to me. At this point, she must have already decided she would give me her diary...

 

_... I've never felt so close to anyone as I've felt with you. For the past several months, we've trained hard for our debut, we've told each other so many things, and shared so many moments... let's exclude the time you found me in the toilet stall cramping my butt off..._

 

I giggled.

 

_I know that at this point you're probably absolutely weirded out by everything you've read... I'm sorry I couldn't tell you in person. I'm too much of a chicken to do that. I lack the boldness that you have. I love that about you, by the way... your boldness. You're so impulsive, you easily befriend anyone, and everyone seems to love you as soon as they interact with you._ **_You're... contagious_ ** _, and you're afraid of nothing. You're so full of confidence, and always trying to share some with me... encouraging me in everything I do, in everything I feel... thank you for that, and for everything, for becoming my best friend. I'm sorry I fell for you, but again... could you blame me?_   
  
__Remember when I told you I was writing a song, like you told me I should? I told you that time, that I could never write a song. If I ever did, it would be way too personal, and I wouldn't want the_ **whole world** _to read how I feel... and that I would never be able to then just_ **fake an emotion** _in order to write about it... but now..._   
  
**You've become my world.**   
****You've become my real emotion.** **   
  
_And this song is about where it all happened... where it all started: On an airplane._ _

 

 ** _Airplane - f(x)_**  
  
 _ **I was scared of flying on this plane called love that carries us**_  
 ** _ _I already know it will fall down soon_  
 _The rising feelings can't be hidden, can't be stopped, until where will it go?_  
 _Everything I know is being with you_  
 _Past the tall forest of buildings, across the horizon, feeling overwhelmed_  
 _The air current shakes, close your eyes and come with me_  
 _When I open my eyes, we will be falling down the empty path without any heart fluttering_  
 _We can't deny it, it's over between us_  
 _Walking on top of the heavy gravity, enduring the rough breaths, what will remain?_  
 _During this dangerous journey, if it's you, come with me_  
 _Come with me. Airplane. Love_  
 _This plane that flies in the sky, that twirls the wind, that walks in the clouds, has taken off but_  
 _I believe in you, the one miracle, the only person whose hand I hold_  
 _Ecstatic flying, flying, feeling faint even in joy, falling, falling (trust in our love)_  
 _High, higher, higher, because you will catch me, you, you, you oh you..._  
 _The flight that twirled the wind, walked the clouds, is over but_  
 _I believe in the long-time fate, I believe in eternity, the only person whose hand I hold__**  
                 
The verses she said last night were from this song... no wonder I was so confused... she must have thought I read this last night...  
                                 
"Amber...?" I turned around startled, as I saw Krystal awake, and holding herself up on her elbows. Her back was slightly raised from the bed. She looked at me, and immediately understood what was going on... she saw the diary in my hands, the gift wrapper still covering parts of it. She knew I had just  _now_  read everything, and that last night... I had no fucking clue what she was talking about. Her lips were slightly open in awe, and after realizing how our eyes had met, she quickly moved her gaze downwards. She was clearly embarrassed, even  _now_  knowing that I also felt the same way... well, she didn't get a chance to read all of my thoughts in the same way how she let me read hers... Her cheeks were red, flustered... she was doubtful still...  The shock slowly began to leave my composure... seeing her there, lying on my bed, and blushing at my gaze... a warm feeling quickly took over my entire body, and a soft smile invaded my lips as I gently held her chin in one of my hands, lifting her gaze towards me once more.  
  
"Just like I said before... you write beautifully..." I said to her with a smile.

 

  
  
  
** To be continued... **

_On account of my transgression will you welcome this confession...?_   
[So Contagious by "Acceptance"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjE7TTq6k70)   
  


 

 ****Notes:  
1- I hope I did a good job on this chapter. I was kind of iffy about it. It was hard going through all of the chapters, and kind of picking out what was the most meaningful, and then getting Krystal's reaction out of them. And of course, this is not the complete and entire diary of the past four months, but these are those moments and confessions that stood out for Amber. =) I hope you guys liked it.   
  
2- Both poems in this chapter, also belong to me, Sophia Cordero Montaño. The song "Airplane" by f(x) is the English translation of all the lyrics. =D I did not translate that.   
  
3- Sorry about the weird update. I had it edited on my word document in a certain way, and when I pasted it onto here, it just went crazy. I had to like re-edit the whole thing. I wanted to make it clear which text was the diary entry and which text was Amber's thoughts. I hope I did. The diary is the italic + Comic Sans font.  O.O K? Cool.

**KRYBER IS LOVE**

 


	9. Confessions: They Change Us

_Confessions: They Change Us_

"You just now read it...?" she asked, with a hint of disappointment in her voice, as she placed one of her hands around my hand that was still holding her chin.   
"Well... yeah... I -- I didn't know -- I mean, I was planning on giving it back to you... I didn't even know what it was..." I tried explaining, suddenly feeling nervous again.   
"It's fine..." she said softly, her forehead wrinkled. She still looked... troubled. She took my hand, still in hers, and lowered it towards the bed. Her glance discreetly turned away from mine, and her eyes began to look downwards again...   
"What's wrong?" I asked, as I tilted my head to the side with worry.  I felt like I had done something wrong, but didn't know what.   
"Nothing... I'm just -- I don't know -- I'm just thinking..."  
"About...?" I asked, with a soft and nervous chuckle. I was confused at the fact that she seemed confused... She didn't answer... she started to fidget with her lips. "Hey..." I said softly, as I gently placed the palm of my hand over one of her cheeks, trying to turn her glance back towards me... "Princess, what are you thinking about?" I asked again, as she lightly gasped at my touch.   
"Well... see... I umm..." she began to speak, her face was towards me, but her eyes were trying to avoid mine. She was nervous. "Well, when I planned on confessing -- giving you my gift -- I didn't really have in plan what happened last night..." her eyes met again with mine, she had a soft sad look on her face... "I didn't plan on _you_ liking  _me_ back..." she finished.   
"Well, this is supposed to be a good thing... right?" I asked puzzled, as I gently caressed her cheek with my thumb, my palm still rested on the side of her face.   
"Well... I don't know!  I wasn't prepared for this...!" she said, with a sense of urgency and panic in her voice.  "Like... what's supposed to ha--..."  I closed in on her suddenly interrupting her, my lips touching hers "--ppen... now...?" she finished her sentence with a light sigh, as I pressed my lips over hers.   
  
_This_ is what's supposed to happen.   
  
It's been way too long since I've kissed her...  and this -- this was a  _real_  kiss. It was threaded out of real feelings, zero masks, and absolutely no pretending, no assumptions, because...   
  
...We knew.   
  
We both knew we wanted it -- we  _needed_  it. I felt my heart burst inside of me... a parade in my chest, of butterflies -- I kissed her as if she was mine, without fear, without holding back. I was able to let her know just how much I  _thoroughly_  enjoyed her lips...  Her hands were rested on the bed, her body was stiff, all but her lips, as they moved in sync with mine. She still wanted to refrain, because she had never been corresponded before, and I understood that. I understood that she didn't know how to feel about it...My hand was still rested on the side of her face when suddenly, she placed one of her hands on my free hand, and led it to the other side of her face...and slowly placed her other hand on the side of  _my_  face, as she began to part her lips leaving way for my tongue to meet hers. The moment our tongues touched, her hand slid down from my face, towards the collar of my shirt, gripping it tightly and pulling me in closer...   
  
"So... you tricked me into your first kiss...?" I managed to whisper in between breaths, in one of those moments where I parted my lips from hers, momentarily, to catch my breath. Her hand, that had led mine towards the other side of her face, had now made its way behind my neck, she clenched my hair tightly... she wanted to nudge my shoulder when I said that... when I teased her... but instead...   
  
...she just kissed me with ever more desire.  
  
She gasped, as she parted her lips slightly from mine, catching her breath, panting softly...   
"Fuck..." she said out of breath, as I felt her  _not_  so stiff anymore, and heat emanating from her body... I was just as breathless, as I held her face in between both of my hands, my thumbs caressing her cheeks. Her hand was still clenching my collar, and her other hand still deep tangled into the hair behind my neck... our foreheads touched, the tip of our noses met in that awkwardly close position she kept rambling about in her diary. I chuckled softly in between breaths as I remembered...   
"So... you feel..."   
"Yes... I feel _exactly_ the same way..." I interrupted, to reassure her. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She knew I was in love with her, but didn't know exactly to what extent. She didn't have the access to my thoughts the I way I had with hers... so I needed to let her know that I am  _just_  as crazy about her, that I had been  _just_  as frustrated, that I have been in hiding  _just_  as much as she has... I was ready to go in for another kiss, I was ready to never stop kissing her...   
"Soojung?" Luna's voice, as she looked across her bed, noticing Krystal wasn't on the other side... Startled at the sound of her voice, we both quickly regained composure, distance.   
"Y-yeah...?" she answered, afraid Luna would hear the acceleration in her voice. Krystal popped her head from underneath the bottom bunk to look up at Luna. "Hey, I'm here." Krystal said, as she awkwardly waived up at Luna.   
"With... Ambah-unnie?" Luna asked puzzled, probably thinking that I had passed out in the stall.   
"Umm... yeah, talking... uhh about last night." Krystal explained.   
"Ohhhhh..." Luna said, understanding right away.  I held Krystal's arm as I turned her towards me gently.   
"What do the members know... ?" I asked Krystal in a whisper, suddenly feeling slightly paranoid. Krystal shrugged lightly, her eyes slightly wide. She was clearly still startled at the fact that someone could have seen us... we weren't thinking...  
"Uh..." she started saying with a sigh. "... I don't know. Probably, just as much as we knew several hours ago..." she said.  
"So you mean, only what they heard on stage last night?"   
"Well... yeah...!  What do you think? That I'd just  _talk_  to them about how I feel about you? -- 'Oh hey, so yeah guys, I'm so totally into Amber... OH! And she also happens to be a girl! ha-ha-ha'. " she said with a joking sarcasm, playing out how the scene would go if she'd told them.  "Yeah, they totally would not be weirded out  _at all_  by that..." she finished. I looked at her with an awkward smile, noticing how she had just teased the crap out of me, and I had no good comeback. I was still dazed from the kiss... I just poked her cheek, as I stuck my tongue out at her.  
"Shhh..." I said in response, and she let out an embarrassing light laugh, lowering her head towards the palm of her hands. Both of us were nervous and embarrassed at what Luna might be thinking right now... I placed my hands over her head, and gently stroked her hair, when from the corner of my eyes, Sulli started to wake up. I tapped Krystal's knee gently with one of my hands to let her know, when...  
"Yuh-dong-saengs!" Vic's voice. "Wake up! Wake up!" she said, as she jumped on top of Sulli on her bed. Krystal suddenly raising her head to look towards them.   
"Ahh! Unnie! So heavy!" Sulli whined in between light laughs.   
"Leeedaahhh!" Luna shouted, as she peaked her head below her bunk to see them both.  Both Krystal and I slowly, and silently began to scoot further and further away from each other, to make even more distance... I sneezed.   
"Oh... morning unnie..." Luna said to me with an awkward smile, as all three turned to look towards us.   
"Hyung... morning..." said Sulli, with a lazy smile.   
"Everything okay?" asked Vic, her motherly tone.  As the oldest, and the one with a motherly instinct towards us, Vic could sense things. You know how moms know everything?  Yeah... Vic does, too. She sensed our embarrassment and our worry, almost instantly. Luna and Sulli? Well, they just didn't know how to react. Because they both care, they wanted to try so hard to act normal, but forcing it way too much. So, it just comes out so, so very awkward.  I didn't know what to say to any of them. I still wasn't prepared to face anyone... I hadn't rehearsed a script in my head of any possible conversations. I had nothing. I just nodded shyly in response to Vic's question.   
"Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?" Krystal bursted out saying, in the most cheerful way possible. She tried to come out in my defense. She was trying to act like nothing happened, for  _me_... because I couldn't do it for myself.  
"Oh yeah, yeah, just asking -- yeah everything's great -- glad you guys are awake -- ..."  all three said unanimously, as they nodded and smiled cheerfully and awkwardly.  Damn man, they're not stupid. They know something's up. We're going to have to talk about this and  -- I have to find a way to clear this out.  I need to say something about last night... it's the freaking giant, pink elephant in the room --  Wait, no. Not even. It's a fucking giant, three headed, rainbow unicorn in the middle of the room, and  _no one's_  talking about it. If I don't say something now, it will just bring up more suspicion. Say something. Say something, Amber... damn it! Say SOMETHING...!  
"Umm guys, about last -- "    
"Oh great! You're all awake!" Jang said as he interrupted me, with a sense of relief in his voice, as he walked excitedly into our sleeping area.  He then looked towards my bed seeing me and Krystal, and his excited expression lightened a bit...   
"Get dressed, we're stopping for breakfast... and a meeting." he said, still looking towards me and Krystal. Both me and Krystal had guilty, blank expressions on our faces. Meanwhile, the other members still forcing the 'nothing has happened' face. We nodded, as Jang turned away to go back towards the living room area.    
"You were saying?" said Vic, as she turned towards me and Krystal again.    
"Umm... oh yeah... " and suddenly, the guts that I had to say something about it just vanished into thin air. Again, I was back to being a pussy.  "... just that I'm sorry I took over the bathroom last night... it was --"   
"I HATE using that bathroom." said Luna, interrupting me.   
"Yeah, we just went to the bathrooms in the stadium right after concert." Sulli added.   
"So much more space..." said Vic with a comforting smile. They were all being secretly and discreetly supportive. It was almost as if they could read my mind, like we had some sort of bond... all of us. They really were trying to make it as if nothing happened, as if everything would be okay, and anything I was feeling last night and now was okay. I just smiled back faintly, as they all started to get up and take turns to the bathroom.  Me and Krystal looked at each other again, still sitting across from each other on my bed. She placed a hand on my cheek gently.  
"Come on, let's go get ready..." she said, as she started to get out of bed, her finger tips grazing my skin as they left my cheek. She was comforting me, as well. They all could tell that I was afraid, worried... but of what?   
"Can you..." I said, as I reached my hand out to grab a hold of Krystal's arm. "... stay?" She turned around to look back at me. She could see the fear pouring out of my eyes, my uneasiness. She looked at me again, with so much empathy, as she bit and licked her bottom lip. She wanted to kiss me again. She wanted to stop the worry -- or at least help me forget about it. She could tell the difference between an Amber  _without_  Krystal's lips on hers, and an Amber  _with_  Krystal's lips on hers. Nothing about last night ever even crossed my mind while I had her lips on mine... now, seeing the rest of the world, seeing everyone's face again... reality started to kick in. It was no longer dark outside, but bright. No longer was anyone asleep, but awake. The world was spinning, the world existed, everything was real, and I was soon going to have to face it all... face the media, face my mom, face the world, face these feelings... She knew, that though she was somehow involved,  _I'm_  the one who confessed in public. Her diary? I'm the  _only one_  to have read it, and I'm the  _only one_  who reacted to it... she knew my burden was greater.   
She looked around quickly to make sure the rest of the girls had made a move, were not close by.  She then hastily leaned in towards me, stroked my bangs back to reveal my forehead, and softly kissed it... as she slowly leaned back to look at me. A soft smile traced her lips, as she finished stroking the rest of my hair back... I could feel the tip of her fingers gliding over the roots of my hair, all the way until they reached the bottom of my neck, where she caressed my skin gently.  

  


That's when I understood. I stood up, still holding her arm, understanding that... no.  She couldn't stay. Neither could I.  I had to face reality, but at least...  
  
... she would face it with me.

  
_"All the roads we have to walk are winding, and all of the lights that lead us there are blinding..._  
but maybe... you're going to be the one that saves me -- and after all, you're my wonder-wall."   
['WonderWall Cover' by Cartel](http://youtu.be/NSrj6rsWU-o)  
  
  
  


 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


It was a petite restaurant. We had our own private room, and because we were being placed on a diet, we were eating from the vegetarian menu. Low tables, pillow seats, soup, tofu, fruits... the likes. Me, Luna and Jang sat next to each other. While Krystal, Sulli and Vic sat across from us.   
  
"Girls, I just really want to formally congratulate you all on the debut. The fans loved it, they really did. The company is excited, but..." Jang said, as he placed a newspaper in the middle of the table. "... everyone thinks Amber is a boy." he finished saying, as he pointed at the article.

"They wrote about the debut already?" asked Luna, surprised. It's nothing too surprising, especially if those other major groups were going to be there, and  _especially_  taking into consideration what happened last night... of course they're bound to write about it. What's more shocking is that Luna didn't find surprising that they think I'm a boy and -- well actually. Never mind. I guess it really isn't  _that_  surprising.  _Of course_  everyone will think I have testicles... I sighed in frustration.  Jang nodded, in response to Luna's question.   
  
_'Male f(x) member confesses love to Jessica's SNSD's little sister LIVE on stage!'_ Said the heading... I looked across over at Krystal, as I could see her cold gaze.  She always gets referred to as just 'Jessica's sister'... Still, even after we put on such an awesome performance...   
  
' _New amazing M-Town group f(x) blew away the crowd with an original new look, amazing rapping, and live vocals! Even more amazing, as the first all girl group to include a male, who towards their unexpected encore, confessed his love to Jessica Jung's baby sister, Soojung Jung! What an amazing turn of events! Whatever these two love birds are doing now...?!'_  
  
Damn. I mean, I knew the media was a whore, but never thought they'd be  _this_ fucking creative. How would they even know if I was corresponded or not? Seriously? I mean... I was but... THEY DON'T KNOW THAT! And I am NOT ... a boy! I was upset, embarrassed, speechless -- but I held it in.   
  
"Once we're done here, we're off to an interview at a local radio station. We can clear this all up then..." said Jang, as he turned to look over at me. "... Amber, I am so very sorry that this happened to you. You are  _not_ a boy, and it is unfair..." he said, as he looked at me with a sympathetic gaze  "but..." oh no. He's going to ask about the confession...  
"We have nothing." Krystal said quickly, interrupting. "It's ridiculous. I'm not gay, and she isn't either.  It was a simple language barrier." I was shocked at her answer, but automatically started nodding, as I worked up a quick and fake confidence.   
"Pshh...yeah... it's ridiculous and pretty stupid." I said, with a light laugh, as if I was brushing it all off like nothing.  Jang, at first, didn't really seem to buy it, but nodded.   
"It's like a friend thing... like an exaggeration when you really are fond of a friend... but here in Korea, they understand it right away as 'nar saranghae' as in, you know -- 'I'm in love with you' formally, which I mean..."  Krystal tried explaining.  She was literally pulling this argument out of her ass.   
"It's not what I meant... is what she's trying to say..." I chimed in. "...but seeing how everyone else understood it that way, I kind of freaked out and it felt awkward..." bam! There's our argument, I finished explaining.   
"Ah! Yeah, yeah... I see." said Jang, nodding. The rest of the members looked at each other, awkwardly smiling and nodding like 'yeah...  _riiiight_ '. I mean, I don't know if they really did believe us or not, or if that's what they were truly thinking... it just seemed like it. Maybe, they just really wanted to believe us, badly...   
"Um... --" I started to say, as Krystal nudged my foot with hers underneath the table. I understood right away. "... I'll be right back guys, I really need to use the bathroom." I finished saying, as I began to get up.   
"Here, I'll show you where it is. I've been here before countless times, and it's kind of tricky." said Krystal, as she stood up with me. This is our 'anti-creeper' escape tactic. Whenever me and Krystal would hang out in the past few months, she would always get hit on by guys,  _all the time_.  And Krystal... well, she's just way too nice to just bluntly say 'no'.  And me? Well, I'm trying to avoid kicking someone's ass again, or breaking their nose... _Why_ she wanted to use the anti-creeper escape tactic in a moment like this? I don't know. I mean, the atmosphere is pretty awkward, but not too bad... especially after we actually managed to pull off a decent excuse... or argument. A shitty one, but still something.  
"What's up?" I whispered to her, as we started walking towards the bathroom. She walked behind me with her head close to my shoulder, holding my waist discreetly from behind as she guided me towards the bathroom.    
"Nothing, relax..." she whispered back. We entered the bathroom. It was a single bathroom, no stalls. Just one room.  She locked the door as soon as we entered. She turned me around, leaned in slowly, and  gave me a quick peck on the cheek. She nervously giggled right after, blushing slightly as she leaned back.  I smiled nervously and blushed.   
"What was that for?"   
"Just because... well..." she began to say, as her eyes shifted to the side, giving me that adorable and shy side smirk. I lazily took one of her hands in mine, and started swinging it gently.   
"Well...?" I asked.   
"I just want to let you know that you don't have to worry about anything, that it's all going to be okay, and that all of this will be cleared out today..." she began to speak quickly.    
"Soojung..." I said, as I gave her a warm smile. She used our escape tactic to come and reassure me... Heh. She's too sweet. I rarely ever get to see this side of her, because we're always just bickering...   
"... and that I didn't mean anything I said to Jang earlier, about us not being anything..." she continued, as her glance shifted from the side towards the floor.   
"So, we're  _something_?" I asked, in the middle of her speech. I kept shifting my gaze in order to meet hers, but she kept missing mine...   
"... and that it's not ridiculous... I'm just saving face..." she continued.   
"Hey, hey, hey... slow down, loser." I said, with a light chuckle, as I took my other hand to lift up her chin. "I know... I know you're just saving face for us... and thank you. Thank you for helping out... like seriously... and  _duh_ , I know you don't really mean what you said to Jang earlier..." I said to her, as I caressed her chin.  
"Okay good, because I also wanted to kiss you again." she said, with a huge grin, still looking down towards the floor. I paused for a moment to look at her steadily.   
"Heh... I know..." I said, with a cocky smug on my face. Suddenly her grin turned into a death glare, as she lifted her gaze towards me.  "Ow..." I said, as she had punched my shoulder gently.  I chuckled, as she turned around to leave the bathroom.   
"You're so  _full_  of yourself,  _my gawd_..." she said, as I still held her hand in mine and refused to let her go, pulling her back towards me.   
"I'm just  _kidddingggg_..." I said, still laughing lightly.   
"Even after I tell you all of those nice things..." she continued to fuss, as I turned her around, closed in on her against the wall, her hand still in mine... I slowly raised her hand above her head.  She pouted, her eyes looking away from mine.   
"Hey... I'm just kidding..." I said again, with a flirtatious smirk.     
"What... are you doing...?" she asked, a bit surprised with the position I had placed her in, but still holding her pout.     
"Well... I mean..." I was about to say something smart-ass, when she finally turned her head to look at me.   
"I dare you... I will bite you." she said... she knew.  Gosh...   
"Hmmm... where's lovey-dovey Ddudungie?" I asked, with a teasing and sad pout.  
"She's gone... forever." she said, as she turned her gaze away from me again.   
"I doubt it..." I said, as I kissed her cheek lightly, and pulled away to see her reaction. She was holding back a smirk... "You sure she's gone...?" I continued to tease her, as I trailed small kisses down her jaw line, slowly... she glanced down at me from the corner of her eyes, still holding back a smirk. She took her free hand, and placed it underneath my chin, lifting my lips up to hers, but simply grazing them gently. She smirked... I gave another smug, as I felt satisfied that my teasing worked out exactly how I wanted it to... she's  _so_  gonna kiss me.    
"You think you're  _such_  a tease... don't you?" she whispered, as I could feel the movement of her lips over mine as she spoke...   
  
...She pushed me away suddenly, releasing herself from my grasp. "But, I'm an ever bigger tease." she said triumphantly, as she walked out of the bathroom with a huge grin on her face. I just stood there, jaw dropped and head in the clouds... damn, really?    
  
I recovered my composure, stroking my hair back.  Heh... guess she's a lot more feisty than I had originally thought she was. This should be fun -- I thought to myself with a smirk, as I followed her out the bathroom.   
  
  
Confessions; they tend to be scary, confusing, unexpected, and sadly... life changing in some circumstances... especially between two friends, two friends who confessed to being in love with each other.   
  
_In love._    
  
I mean, you can easily confess to having the hots for a friend. As a matter of fact, telling your friend you have the hots for them is sometimes even  _encouraged_  to do. Yes, please tell me that you love the way I look, you love the way I dress, you'd totally kiss me if we were ever drunk, and that I could easily get the most attractive person in the world to date me if I wanted to... but telling your friend that you're  _in love_  with them? Let's put it this way... you're basically letting them know that you have a hole inside of your soul that only they can fill, burdening them with that responsibility... it's uncomfortable. And then of course, awkward when they decide that they don't think they can do you the favor.  And even if they could, even if they felt the same way and wanted to fill that hole... the question would later come up: how can I fill that empty space without damaging any surroundings? How can I enter your soul without grazing your heart, puncturing your lungs, pressuring your chest...?  You know? What if this ruins our friendship? There are sure to be so many changes to follow... and friends, especially  _best_  friends, are afraid of that, afraid of those changes...  And if they needed to leave an empty space inside of you again...? They're afraid to lose that friendship.   
  
What a dilemma, huh?  
  
Tragic, isn't it?  


[So Lucky I'm in Love with My Best Friend](https://youtu.be/zwQwqrsoM_s)  
  
  


Me and Krystal? We both had empty spaces inside of our souls that needed to be filled with each other. Once we realized this, it was a perfect fit. A  _perfect_ slip. No punctures, no scratches, no pain, no nothing. Nothing's changed, except for the fact that now I get to kiss a princess freely, without asking for permissions... heh.  As a servant, I'm flattered. Other than that... nothing's changed. No awkwardness, no sadness, no fear, no dilemma.  Still best friends, still as it has always been... I mean, look at us... still bickering like always, even over a kiss...  
  
And about leaving empty spaces inside of each other again...? I don't know about her leaving my space empty... but she's definitely worth the risk.   
  
Me? It's pretty  _damn_  comfy in here.

 

  
**Notes:**

Sorry about the short chapter guys. I have not had time. I've been wanting to prolong this chapter with:

  
\- Radio Interview.  
\- Amber talking to Krystal about Soyeon more in depth.  
\- Encounters/Confrontations with Jessica when she hears the news (uh-oh, protective Jessica).  
  
All that and more, which I have decided to include, instead, in the next chapter. I wanted to put it in this chapter, but like I said, haven't had time. =) My girlfriend is here, and we are getting ready to move into our new apartment. Weeeeeee! ^-^    
  
  
Quick survey, say "ME!!!"  in the comments section, if you'd like to read a steamy hot shower scene in this story, further down the road.  
  
As a bonus for the short chapter... here's a little preview ;)   
  
_"What if it was someone else in the shower...?" I asked, smirking as I imagined the scene in my head._  
She chuckled, as she pictured the scene in her mind as well, laughing at herself on how embarrassing that could be.  
"I wouldn't have, if I hadn't noticed your teddy bear briefs hanging right outside your stall..." she said in a smart ass tone, raising her eyebrow, holding a smirk.  
"Oh..." I said, realizing -- like, of course. Duh. -- "Yeah... I guess.. that **would** give me away..." I finished, as I chuckled nervously and lightly at myself, at how uneasy she made me... in a good way. she continued to get closer... and closer, as I squeezed the bar soap in my hands that I held in front of me, to the point of almost breaking it in two. She placed one of her hands over one of my wrists, tracing her fingers all the way to in between my palms... and slipping the soap right out of my hands, slowly.  
"Mind if I use your soap?" she asked.  
My jaw dropped slightly as I...  
  
  
Le teaser :3  
  
  
P.S. Credits to the owners of the fan art I find on tumblr all of the time. =)


	10. Simple Yet Not

_Simple Yet Not_  
  


 

"Annyeong, Luna ya!"  
"Annyeong, Sulli ya!"  
"Annyeong, Victoria ya!"  
"Annyeong, Krystal ya!"  
"Uhh... Annyeong... Amber ya...  and we are f(x)!"  
"Ohhhhh Ambah!" said the MC, after we all introduced ourselves. "Ambah is very, very handsome oppa, no?" I laughed awkwardly, as I turned to look at Krystal to find out what the hell he just said.  
"Ambah-unnie, not oppa..." Krystal corrected the MC, speaking for me. I nodded at the MC, as I understood that.  
"Ah I see, so both you and Krystal can understand each other best out of the whole group, right? Why is that?" the MC asked, we both nodded.  
"We're both the only two Americans in the group. We're both from California." I explained.  
"Ohhh you both grew up together?"  
"Well, no... she was in the north, I was in the south..." I explained.  
"Ohhh I see, I see... so yeah, now that I see you up close, you are definitely a girl!" we all laughed awkwardly.  
"Yeah... and I understand why people would say that I'm a boy... but everyone, I'm not a boy." I said with a nervous smile.

  
 

"So, that confession, doesn't make much sense..." he continued, as he made mention to the article on the newspaper. Apparently, homophobia is so predominant in South Korea, that the mere idea seemed almost impossible to them after knowing that I'm now a girl. Both me and Krystal explained our argument once again, and they bought it quite fast...  
"Ahh I see! American culture, everybody!" he said. "So, all in all -- No,  Amber is not a boy! And just to leave things 'crystal clear' -- no pun intended -- she is  _not_  a lesbian either!" Shortly after, he began to interview the rest of the members... "Alright! Let's hear it for f(x) everybody!" he said as he concluded the interview.

  
_Swoosh_ , like the sound of a perfect three pointer, as the ball gracefully goes through the basket.  _Swoosh_ , like the sound of the wheels on my skateboard, as they glide through a perfectly smoothed sidewalk...  _Swoosh_  -- her hair brushed across my cheek gently as the doors of the stadium opened, releasing the compressed air of the room... as she walked past me. Her scent infused hair of French Lavender and Wild Rose -- I know, because she buys that same brand every time, without fail -- drove me into a fine frenzy.  
  
A thousand urges. A million desires. A billion and one ways that wouldn't stop crossing my mind... ways in which I wanted to love her. Each one suppressed out of respect towards our friendship... buried so deep.  But she had a shovel this whole time... it took her a while to use it, but surely she did, and I can no longer contain myself when I see her.

I want her.  
  
  
I want her bad. So bad, and I really don't think she's aware as to what extent... I don't think she's aware of the fact that I don't just want to kiss her lips... but every single inch of her, every crescent, every curve, every edge... count every single one of her eyelashes, as she falls asleep in my embrace... right after watching her reach the highest of highest climaxes... caused by me... 

  
I shook my head slightly, as I saw her walk in front of me, and here I am silently desiring her.  I gulped, as I felt the nerves reach my throat... What's wrong with me? Surely, she has no idea where to go from here... from confession to what? And if she knew all of my thoughts...? I'd probably scare her away.  
  
I made sure we walked behind everyone else. As soon as I sensed all eyes away from us, I rushed in from behind her, and I placed my hands on both sides of her waist, sliding them down to her hips slowly.  
"Amber...!" Krystal whispered, as she gasped in response.  
"How are you dressing me up tonight?" I asked her, as we started entering the Incheon Munhak Stadium.  
"Hmmm... not sure, a skirt might look great on you..." she responded, as she placed a finger on her chin, slightly looking up, as if she was picturing it in her head.  
"That'll be the day..." I said with a chuckle.  
"A pink one... perfect." she said, as she looked at me from behind her shoulder with a flirtatious smirk.  
"No... not perfect." I pouted. "Don't play..."  
"Then..."  she placed her hands over mine, which were still holding her hips "... behave." she finished saying with a light giggle, as she removed my hands from her hips. She then skipped away quickly to catch up to the rest of the crowd, but she made sure to hold her stare at me as she left. I did the same...

No experience, huh? But definitely has no trouble  _at all_  playing hard to get...  
  
It's moments like these that enchant me, more and more. These little moments, where a single smile is an open encyclopedia. I can hear everything in her smiles, I become enraptured in her smiles, hypnotized...  
   
I bit my bottom lip, as I rushed to her side, bumped my hip discreetly with hers. She turned around to look at me, and giggled. I smiled back shyly... I didn't know what to do or what  _not_  to do. I didn't know what to say... I just --  
"I really want to kiss you again..." I whispered. In actuality, I wanted to tell her more... but I couldn't bring myself to say another word.  She rolled in her lips, and blushed.  
"Not being cocky anymore?" she whispered back, in a teasing voice.  
"At the edge of begging..." I responded, barely breathing. She giggled nervously at my response, noticing the affect -- the grip she had on me.    
"There's this thing called 'dissimulating'... you suck at it." she said, still giggling as she glanced around making sure we weren't being watched.

"Kinda hard to _not_  suck at it around you..." I responded.  She looked at me... her eyes were glistening, as if I had taken away her breath with my response.  
"I really want to kiss you again, too..." she said, as her eyes followed mine, her lips pulsing, eager to slam against mine  "...and you make it so hard to not kiss you right here, right now... in front of everyone..." she finished. 

"Hey, Amber...! Here's the calling card you wanted." said Jang, as he walked back towards me and Krystal, closing in on us. His voice snapped me out of her eyes, where I had found myself sinking into, drowning... enjoying every second of it. I couldn't say a word, as I took the card in my hand, nodding simply, with a faint smile. He patted my shoulder with comfort.  
  
"Take as long as you want, we still got plenty of time before the show, I know you miss them..." he said, with a smile.  
"Thanks, Jang... but I won't really be long..." I looked up at him with a faint smile, while reaching into one of my pockets.  
"No, no, no, take it as a gift." he said, as he stopped my arm from pulling out any kind of currency.  
"Really?"  
"Really."  
"Gee... thanks man." I don't know if he's trying to just make me feel better about everything, or if he really  _is_  this nice. He gave me one last pat on the shoulder, as he started walking away giving us a thumbs up. Everyone started to spread out around the rooms, heading to their positions, to their dressers, practicing, arranging...  
"You're going to call home?" Krystal asked, as she placed one arm around my shoulder, looking down at the calling card with me. I nodded.    
"Well... Jackie's cell. I don't really know where they are right now.  I doubt they'd be home anyway, even if they  _did_ end up leaving right away... and even if they  _were_ home, I wouldn't call the house phone." I said, with a faint sigh, as I looked up at Krystal. "I'd be afraid if mom picked up..." I finished.  
"I'm sure -- just wait for her to hear the interview... she'll definitely..."  
"She won't buy that..." I explained, as I interrupted her, looking back down at the calling card.  
"Maybe she will..." I felt her fingers discreetly caressing my shoulder, as her arm was still wrapped around them. "I love you." she said, so nonchalantly, and so suddenly... out of the blue. "So, trust me. It'll be fine... everything will be fine, remember?" I froze at the sound of those three words. I stopped listening to everything else right after.  
"You love me?" I looked up at her slowly, with slight surprise.  
  
[It's Not Easy to Say 'I Love You'. ](http://youtu.be/G15aWMHPDT4)  
  
"Well, of course I do, stupid." she said with a faint chuckle as her eyes, again, traced mine. She stroked my bangs to the side with her free hand, her fingertips lightly grazing my forehead. I smiled slowly, but it was noticeable. A big and noticeable smile. "When you're done, come down to the dressers so I can help you pick out an outfit... mmk?" I nodded with eyes still wide, as she  _almost_ slipped away... I held her hand at the last second. She turned her glance back at me...  
"I love you." I said. A timid smile traced her beautiful face, as she bit her bottom lip. She really  _is_  perfect. You know how sometimes someone will tell you 'I love you' expecting to hear it back in reply? She didn't. She said it to me without any expectation. She just wanted to let me know. She  _never_ asks for anything in return. Ever. She just loves without any conditions. Simply loves, just like she said she would... because love is supposed to be simple, right? "I know I haven't done much for you, princess... but I'm trying..." she went from a smile, to a slight frown, as she closed back into me, holding my hand in both of hers...  
"Stupid... you've done more than enough... just don't stop..."  
"Stop what?"  
"... loving me."  
"I won't." I said firmly, immediately, and almost automatically. 101% swoon. I could feel my chest almost elevate me... It's the first time we say it to each other so directly, so bluntly. Almost as if we've sealed something into permanence. I swear it's true, I'm not lying... I'm the closest I've ever been to my soul being repaired, whenever I'm breathing the same air as her...  
  
She walked away, as I looked down at the calling card.  
  
Reality.  
  
"I told you things would get cleared out! Didn't I!? Gawd, that's so great to hear, Jo." Jackie's excited filled voice -- her reaction when I explained what happened during the interview. It was excitement and relief at the same time, just because I know she felt helpless yesterday. She wanted so bad to make me feel better, so fast... but didn't know how.  She especially didn't know what to say or what to do when I broke down -- when I told her how shitty it is to be...  _this_  -- to be like me.  
"Yeah... I guess you did tell me." I responded, a soft chuckle escaping my lips. I was excited, as well... but faded.  It was hard to concentrate on the craze that Krystal made me feel.  It was hard to concentrate on her smile, while having the thought -- the worry of facing my mom -- lingering in the back of my head.  
"You don't sound as excited, though..."  
"I am. I really am. It's just -- well, that's not all that's happened... have you talked to mom?"  
"Oh... that." Jackie responded, as she realized what was bothering me still.  
"Yeah..."  I asserted.  
"I tried, but she didn't want to talk about it, and -- " Jackie began to explain.  
"Where are you guys?" I interrupted.  
"Still in the hotel."  
"I'm surprised she didn't just get on a plane right that second, and leave you behind." I said.  
"Exaggerating much?" she said, with a bit of annoyance in her voice.  
"Like I said... you don't know that side of mom the way that I -- "  
"Amber." Jackie said firmly, interrupting  _me_  this time. "Mom isn't perfect. She feels, just like everyone else. Yeah, she might have her temper... but she understands. She  _loves_  you. You need to know this, you need to -- "  
"Then why hasn't she called me to tell me!?" I bursted.  
"Because! She doesn't know how...!"  Jackie sighed. "She's not upset. She's simply... inexperienced?  I don't even know if that makes any sense -- what I'm trying to say is that she doesn't know how to go about it... I tried telling her that it wasn't like that -- tried covering the story -- but she's not clueless, ya know? She really isn't, just like you said..."  
"Well, I guess this is something else I get from dad... the being clueless part."  I sighed.  "I knew it.  
  
I told Krystal she wouldn't buy it..."  I finished.  
  
"But she isn't mad. She's just... like I said -- she doesn't know how to talk to you about this... -- wait,  what?  You and Krystal  _talked_  about this?" Jackie asked, with a sudden realization.  
"Oh... yeah... I was about to tell you. That's the  _additional_ stuff that's happened... but anyway, Krystal mentioned that maybe I should give my mom a transcript of the interview. That maybe that'll fix things with her, but I told her it wouldn't -- you know? That she wouldn't buy it, and that -- " I began to explain.  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. Not that. I meant, like -- you and Krystal _talked_  about these... attractions?" Jackie asked awkwardly, she didn't even know how to quite pose the question.  
"Well... umm..." I began to speak nervously, feeling my face turn red at the thought. "Remember the gift?"  
"Yeah? You didn't return it?" Jackie asked, with anticipation.  
"It was her  _diary_ , dude. She basically wrote in it about -- like... all of those months -- everything we did together, everything I made her feel... she told me in her diary that she's  _in love_  with me."  I tried to summarize the diary, but nothing I would say could ever be enough to describe the many array of feelings inside of my princess' diary.  Jackie wouldn't understand. I just rushed into the main conclusion... : She's in love with me.  _She_  loves  _me_.  
"Holy. Crap. Llama!" she exclaimed softly.  
"Don't start... please?" I begged her.  
"Oh my god... so, has she been gay this whole time or did she turn gay?" Jackie asked, her curiosity starting to spike.  
"Hmm... not that I know of..."  I wondered. "But... people don't  _turn_  gay, Jackie." I began to explain. "Plus, she could also be bi or, pansexual, or queer -- who knows. She doesn't have to be  _just_  gay.  All I know is that right now... it's me." I finished with a soft sigh, accidentally escaping my lips.    
"Yiieeeah... I can hear it in your voice... you sound sooooo romantic." she said with a romantic sigh, teasing me. "What happened to all of that bad-ass-ness?" she asked.  
"First of all... all of my 'bad-ass-ness' is still available upon request. And second of all...  
  
...  
...  
... damn it! Fine. I'm whipped... I admit it." I said in between my teeth. Jackie giggled.  
"Wow, I'm still in shock, little Llama." she said. "So, are you guys like dating... like in secret or something?" she asked, being all nosy.  
"Well... hmmm."  Now that I think about it,  _what_  are we really...? I never actually questioned it. Do we have to give it a name? Isn't it just... care, love, admiration? Lovers? Is it lovers? I'm -- holy crap.  _What_ are we? Really...!  "I... I'm not sure. I think we're  _something_?" I finally said.  
"What do you mean  _something_?"   
"Like... I don't know. It's blurry. Nothing's definite at the moment. All I know is that we're not  _nothing_." I explained.  
"So, why don't you just ask her to be your girlfriend?" Jackie wondered.  
"Well, I suppose I should. Everything  _just_  happened, though. I'd feel awkward asking her so soon -- I don't know."  
"What do you mean you  _don't know_? It's kind of a no-brainer, Llama. This should be the next step, without question. Oooooor, do you not feel exactly the same as her, or something?"  
"No, no... you're getting me all wrong. Of course I feel the same way she does... I'm not trying to play her... I'd never do that to her -- Geez, I've never done that, period.  What kind of chick do you think I am...?" I refuted.  
"Not saying you'd do something like that, and I know you never have... but you've just never been this hesitant on asking  _the_  girl out... even with Soyeon." she replied.  
"Krystal said -- well, she  _wrote_  -- that, why should it have to have some kind of tag or label? It's just simple lov --"  
"Because, it's a verbal commitment of how much you care about each other. You both agree to just be with each other, and no one else. It's not  _just_  a tag." Jackie explained.  
"But, why do we need to make a verbal commitment if in our hearts we already -- automatically -- don't want anyone else... but each other."  I explained. Krystal's philosophy on love suddenly made so much sense to me.  As a matter of fact, hearing myself talk in that way -- I was starting to sound a lot like Krystal... I'm never really this emotive about feelings... at least out loud.  
"Well... true, but -- it's also just adorable. Same as when you tell each other 'I love you'. You both know you love each other, but it's nice to hear it." Jackie attempted to make sense of it.  
"I mean -- I guess..." slightly confused on how both ideas made decent amount of sense. I didn't know what route to take... "Well, it's also because Krystal doesn't like cliché stuff..."  
"Well, you're in luck!" Jackie said with a hint of sarcasm, teasing me yet again.  "Adorable and cute doesn't need to be cliché, genius." I sighed at her response, knowing she was right.   
"I guess... gosh -- I'll -- when I see her in the changing rooms in a bit, I'll ask her. I promise." I said, giving into the idea.  
"In the changing rooms?! No way, dude! Do something classy!" Jackie slammed me for my suggestion.  
"I don't -- I can't do something cute without it coming out extremely corny..." I admitted. "... and awkward..." I finished.  
"There's tons of ways to doing this..."  
"Well, you're all there slamming me... why don't you give me some suggestions instead?" I demanded with a pout, jokingly.  
"Fine. I can do that... uhhh --"  
"Like... how did Esteban ask you out?" I asked.  
"... he hasn't." she said, softly with a bit of a melancholy in her voice.  
"Oh..." I said, feeling awkward.  I began to understand the previous things she said about how important it is... she spoke so passionately about it -- I'm guessing this is why.  
"But that doesn't matter..." she said quickly. "You need to come up with your own way of asking, because you have to personalize it.  Has to be something about you two, and no one else." she explained.  
"Yeah..." I agreed.  
"You're a smart Llama... I'm sure you'll figure something out." she said with encouragement.  
"Jackie..." I said firmly, changing topics. "Why don't  _you_  ask him instead?"  
"What?" she said confused.  
"Yeah, like why don't you just ask Esteban to be your boyfriend? If you want it, why do you have to wait for him to ask? You can take control, too... ya know? Maybe he's shy about it." I said, trying to motivate her.  
"Girls are not supposed to ask..." she said.  
"Says who?" I challenged her.  "What rule book says girls can't ask dudes out? Freaking ask! Go for it, as soon as you and mom get back home... hit him up, and just go for it."  
"Hey, we're talking about you and Krystal here. Not me and Esteban..."  
"I'm just sayin'..."  
"I'll ask... if you ask."  
"Done, deal." I said.  
"Deal... dork." she replied.  
"I gotta go... I need to get ready. Well, Krystal needs to get me ready."  I said with a chuckle. "She's basically my stylist."  
"Alright, let me know once you ask her."  
"Will do. Love ya."  
"Love you too, Llama."  
  
"Hey, Beeeerr... sexy thang!" Henry's voice appeared suddenly in my ears, teasing me as he swooped past me, flicking the back of my ear with his finger.  
"Hey! Not okay, Snoop!" I chuckled, as I pointed at him.     
"I heard the interview!" he said with a smirk, as he started walking backwards facing me. "You're definitely slick, heh." he said. "Well, you  _and_  Baby Jung."  
"Dunno what you're talking about, bro." I said, with a smug smile, and a shrug of my shoulder.  
"Oh yeah..." he said with a slight whisper, placing a finger over his lips. "Shhhh, it's a secret." he said, as he laughed lightly. "Gotta run, though.  On my way to the changing rooms. Hope you'll fill me in later?"  
"You're ri-di-kah-lus! And duh, 'course I'll fill you in." I said, laughing with him. "But yeah, me too. Heading over to see my 'personal stylist', if ya' know what I mean."

Guess this is gonna turn out to be another one of my inside jokes with the Snoopy, heh...  
  
"Adorable and cute... but not corny..."  I said under my breath, as I walked towards the changing rooms. I kept wrapping my mind around the words, over and over again... yet -- Gosh! I can't think of anything...  
  
"You took long enough...!"  Krystal jumped up from behind me as I was approaching the door of our changing room, wrapped her arms around my neck, and held her chin over my shoulder.  
"Hey...!"  o_<  I said, as I opened the door to enter, she quickly got off from my back, and came to my side, fearing some of the members might be inside. No one else was there, but us. "Yeah... I had a bit of a long conversation with Jackie..." I explained, as I sat on one of the chairs, Krystal started to grab a hold of my hair from behind.

"Oh yeah? That's good, ba -- Amber."  
"What were you gonna say?"  
"That... what about your mom?" she asked.  
I sighed "I didn't get to talk to her... They're still here... they're leaving soon." I explained, as she left her hands from my hair for a second, to get a hat for me.  "Jackie said that... mom just doesn't know how to tell me that 'it's okay', that's she's just shocked, and stuff... I don't even know." I rambled, due to the so many things going through my head. I honestly didn't really want to even talk about it anymore -- or think about it or...  
"It's okay, we don't have to talk about it now..." she said. I smiled at her through the mirror right in front of us. She's too sweet...  
"Perfect." she said, as she finished accommodating the snapback on my head.

"I can keep this on?" I asked, pointing at my hat.   
"Mhhhm... I'm just going to accessorize you... do you wanna match?" she asked with a cute a smirk, looking down at me towards the mirror. I nodded, smiling back at her.  
"Hey Ddudungie... after the tour is over...  I want to talk to you about something..." I said, fidgeting with my bottom lip.  
"Uh huh?" she said, as she turned around to look for accessories.  
"So... as soon as we get back, meet me in the hallway, after the lights are out?"  she turned her head around to look at the mirror, and smiled suspiciously.   
"What do you need to talk about?" she asked, as she walked over towards me slowly, smirking.  
"Well... it's a surprise." I said, trying to seem confident, as she took one of my hands in hers, putting on a black and thick bracelet.  
"I see..." she said, turning my face upwards to face hers, as she looked at me from above. "Didn't you say earlier, that you wanted to kiss me again?"

"You dropped my snapback... by the way." I said, noticing my hat slipping off of my head and onto the floor, as soon as she flipped my head back.  
"Oops..." she said, not meaning it at all, as she lowered her lips towards mine... her fingers caressing both sides of my face... she grabs my top lip in between both of her lips, and pulls it gently... suddenly closing back into my lips, enrapturing them with hers. I reach my hands behind her neck, and pull her in closer as my tongue slips past hers. Every kiss is an explosion. Every kiss with her is just unreal, and perfect. I wanted to just ask her right there and then... why wait? Why wait to tell her that I want her to just be mine, and only mine -- and that I want to be hers... all hers... why wait?  
"Krystal..." I whispered, as her lips slipped away from mine slowly... I felt her gentle pant over my lips.  
"Yeah?" she replied.  
The door opened suddenly, as we quickly separated from each other, jumpy.  
"Are you guys almost ready?" Luna asked, as she walked towards the mirror to re-touch her makeup.  I rubbed my hands over the bottom part of my face, visibly nervous.  
"Unnie! Almost... definitely." said Krystal, as she placed my hat back on my head, and quickly walked into her stall to put on the clothes she had picked out for herself.  
"Okayyyyy! Don't be late." said Luna, as she walked back outside. As soon as Luna shut the door, me and Krystal both busted out laughing.    
"Selfies!" Krystal said, as she jumped out of her stall. We  _were_  matching. I smiled at her idea, at her face, at how gorgeous she looked... I smiled and nodded. "You sure you wanna do that? I'll take up your spotlight with my sexiness." I said, teasing her.  
"I'm pretty sure you're talking about me...?" she said, nudging my shoulder as we walked out into the halls.

  
  

"Soo Jung!"  a group of girls shouted, as they saw us taking pictures. We turned around, and it was...  
"Jessica?" Krystal said, surprised and not quite sure whether to be pleased or awkward. It was her sister, together with some of the members of SNSD. Strange that we'd see them on this side of the turf with us newbies. They all hugged, as I stood there awkwardly not really knowing what to do.  
"Soo Jung! You were great! Congratulations!" said one of the members. Her sister nodded at their comments.  
"I'm sure she could do way better." Jessica finally commented, with a snarky tone in her voice.  Krystal forced a smile. I tried to step aside, and wait until they were finished talking... as Krystal conversed with the rest of the SNSD members, Jessica started to approach me. What. The. Fuck.  
"Amber, huh?" she said, as she looked me up and down, analyzing me or some crap... I smiled nervously.  
"That's me." I said.  
"You've become quite the idol, quite soon." she said.  
"What do you mean?" I said, with an awkward laugh.

  


"Well, you've made quite the headlines -- quite the impression... with your -- oh, what do they call it? -- boyish charm?"  
"Oh... that thing. I mean, this is just how I always dress, ya know? I never thought it'd be something weird here." I explained.  
"Oh, I know. You're also American, just like Soo Jung and... I." she said.  
"Oh yeah, you're also from Cal... duh." I said to myself, feeling stupid for forgetting, realizing that she probably heard that interview...  
"Yeah. I am... and I also heard that interview... clever cover up, by the way." she said. Shit. Yeahp. She heard it. Fuck my life.   
"Cover up?" I tried to act as if I had no idea what she was talking about.  
"Between you and me, Amber, we both know that the whole 'American culture' story, is complete bull crap..."  
"Well, I mean... we might have exaggerated it a bit, but it was only so that -- you know -- they can understand better what we mean... ?" I said, as I scratched the back of my head. I knew word vomit was about to happen in 3 - 2 - 1 ... "I mean, but I'm totally not gay like, at all..."  I laughed nervously "... and Krystal isn't either, you know? It was -- dumb, really --- ya know? You get what I'm sayin', though... right?"  I desperately awaited for the answer that I wanted to hear so badly...  
"Sure...  and I  _know_  my sister isn't gay... still, even if you aren't gay either -- I hope you keep the relationship with my little sister  _solely_ professional.  If she gets caught with you too often... people might definitely start thinking she  _is._  She doesn't need people thinking that she's gay... especially in South Korea. The media will eat her alive...  that would ruin our family, our history, and it would ruin her. If you get what I mean -- or should I say, 'you get what I'm sayin', though... right?' " she mocked me. I felt stumped. Shocked. Shitty.  
"Yeah... no yeah, yeah! I totally get it... we're just friends, though... ya know? But ummm yeah... I get it..." I said, my jaw was slightly dropped. Was I just threatened by her sister...? Ruin her? Eat her alive...? Like... in high school...? Like Soyeon...?  
"Good! I'm glad we were able to talk..."  she said, with a fake smile painted on her face. "And it was definitely a pleasure to finally meet THE Amber Liu... definitely a revolutionary look you got going on. Though, if you want people to stop calling you a boy, have you ever thought about  _not_  dressing like one? You know... just a couple of times." she said it, with the best intentions, but it still somehow bothered me... I don't dress like a boy.  **I don't dress like anyone but myself.**  
  
  
[I don't dress like anyone but myself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClDXLf_EAmM)  
  
  
"Yeah..." I nodded slightly, as Krystal popped up from behind Jessica.  
"Hey!" she said, jittery. "I see you've met my servant." Krystal said with a huge smile. Oh gawd... she just made this so much more awkward without even realizing it.  
"Your... servant?" Jessica asked, as she turned over to look at me. I smiled awkwardly again... she hates me. I'm a stain on her perfect family history. I'm part of the revolution that Krystal wants, that Jessica doesn't want her sister involved in -- at all... but she's right. Apart from just being protective of her little sister... she's so right...   
"Hey! Umm! I'm gonna go... Krystal, I'll meet you on the stage! Alright! Cool? Cool! See ya!" I said, as Krystal looked at me confused.  I walked out of there so fast.  I sighed, as I walked away.  Maybe... maybe Jessica's right... Maybe I shouldn't put Krystal through this... especially being that it's her first time... ever. The media would chew her up, swallow her up, and throw her up... What  _was_  I thinking...?  
  
The sole thought of doing what Jessica asked me to do... it made me feel as if I was already betraying my princess -- just the fact that I was considering it, thinking about it... made me feel horrible -- but in all honesty, if I love her -- if I really, truly care about Krystal, wouldn't this be for the best? I love her.  So, this  _is_ the right thing to do, right? I don't want to lose her, so... she needs to stay away... I have to create some distance between us, dissimulating as much as possible. If she finds out that Jessica suggested it... their relationship would only get worse.  
  
"Hey... why'd you leave like that?" Krystal whispered into my ear from behind, as we stood on the stage. The curtains were still lowered. It was our turn this time to open the performance of the night.  
"I  _hella_  needed to use the bathroom." I whispered back. She didn't say anything.  
  
"Amberrrrrr! -- F(x)!!!!" the crowd roared, as soon as the curtains lifted.  I heard my name yelled out from the crowd, in hysteria.  They were shouts just like the ones I heard in the last performance, except this time, they knew my name... feels weird to be the popular one... I've never been. Though, feels awesome to know that they love my style, regardless of it being something different, something new... something so aversive... Not to mention, feels puuurty good to not feel like a termite, to for once... be the giant.  
  
Another successful performance. As we walked out of the stage...  
  
Krystal was walking behind me, as I helped Vic down the stairs. Soo Jung tried to reach her hand out to grab one of mine, but I moved forward faster...    
"Kryber!" Victoria said aloud.  
"Kryber?" I asked, as I began to move my eyes in the direction Vic was looking.  I could see the sign, but... doesn't  
\-- what the hell is 'Kryber'?  
  
"Hey Vic, do you have data on your phone?" I asked Vic, as we entered the trailer. She nodded, and pulled out her phone, as if she knew exactly what I was thinking.  I sat right next to her on her bed, as she googled the word, 'Kryber'.  Luna was checking her phone as she lied on Sulli's bed. Sulli went to use the bathroom, and Krystal lied on her bed, tummy down and on her phone as well. She was facing us, trying to catch my glance every now and then, dissimulating, but I avoided.  
I looked back down at the phone, and I gulped as I saw the results. Vic made an awkward coughing sound... I turned my eyes to look at her. She looked back at me, and shrugged.  
"What was that for?" I asked awkwardly, in regards to the cough.  
"Just, my voice... it's strained from singing." she smiled, as if she couldn't contain it. I looked at her with an embarrassed smile, as she just kept smiling back, embarrassed for me. Like, 'I know exactly what's going on, and I'm sorry that I know, but come on... this is hilarious.'   
"Sleeeeeeeeeeeep. Finaaaalehhh!!"  Luna coming out of nowhere, laid her head on Vic's lap, and looked up at us. "What are you guys doing? Lemme see." she said, as she quickly snatched the phone from Vic's hand. I tried quickly to avoid it from happening, but... "Ahh..." she said, as she saw the pictures, the captions...

  
   

"Hey! We're close friends of Ambah, too!" said Luna, super loud. Krystal's head peeked up at us at the loudness of Luna's voice, and our eyes met. I looked back down at Luna quickly.  
"Yeah, but... it's just because we're both American." I said, trying to take the phone away from Luna.  
"Hmm... I don't remember this time..." she said, continuing to look through the edited pictures. I sighed in frustration, as she kept rubbing it in... Vic giggled, as she looked at me with comfort, shaking her head slowly.    
"Fans are crazy." said Vic, as she gently squeezed my shoulder, as if trying to relieve my tension.  
"What's going on?" asked Sulli, as she walked out of the bathroom, drying up her hair with a towel.  
"You know SunDara?" asked Luna.  
"Yah! Taeyang from Big Bang and Dara from 2ne1?" Sulli responded.  
"Fans created a pairing for us!" said Luna.  
"Me and Sungmin!?" she asked excitedly.  
"No... Krai - bah." Luna said slowly, as Sulli tilted her head to the side in confusion. I slowly faced palmed myself with both hands, lowering my head in embarrassment. Gosh, I really hope Jessica does  **not**  see this...  
"It's just silliness, it's because of the wrongly confession." Vic began to explain.  
"Hyung... annnd... Soo Jung?" Sulli got it right away. Vic nodded. "Oh!" said Sulli, as she laughed it off, and stood up on the edge of my bed to reach Krystal. "Soo Jung! You got paired!" she teased her, as she began to poke Krystal's legs and thighs. She looked at Sulli, with her adorable fake shy of a side smirk.  
"So stupid." Krystal said, with a slight chuckle and a roll of the eyes, as she turned on her back to continue doing whatever it was she was doing on her phone... just brushed it off so naturally.  
  
Kryber. Luna pronounced it 'Krai-bah', which I'm guessing she meant, 'Kraiber' -- or is it 'Kreeber'?  
  
I couldn't sleep.  
  
I tossed and turned on my bed, until I finally thought to reach out for my Rubik's. I reached my hand underneath my bed -- but it wasn't there. Maybe it's because it's just too dark. I don't want to turn on the lights and wake everyone up... maybe it's because -- "Pshhh it has to be a joke..."  I said to myself under my breath, as I rolled on my back again, settling in my thinking position. Supportive fans of two gay girls, sounds like a joke to me. It has to either be because we're American or -- they could just be American fans. Yeah, that makes sense. I sighed with worry, thinking 'what if Jessica sees this?'  It had only been our second concert... and look what's already on the media. Kryber? Really? I turned around on my side, facing the wall.

Just when I thought I had escaped from High School... now I have the media to worry about... Maybe I should have just stuck to my original dream: Being a Scientist.

  
  
I giggled to myself at the thought... If I would have met Krystal then, we could just always hide in my super secret lab, and... make super secret science together. And then it dawned on me... I wouldn't have met her at all. Ever, had I not auditioned for the company. Guess you can't have your cake and eat it, too...  

  
...  
  
"Llama face..." my eyes abruptly opened, as Krystal's voice startled me from behind. I turned around, and there she was, lying right next to me.  
"When did you...?"  I began to pull myself up with my elbows, raising my upper body from the bed a bit.   
"You're a pretty deep sleeper." she said, giving me a smirk. I grinned awkwardly, as I began to comb my bed head with my fingers. "I feel like I haven't seen you all day..." she said, trying to fetch my eyes.  
"Uhh y-yeah... it's been --- damn it's been hella crazy, right? Like, today has been so busy for us, you know?" I replied, trying to avoid her eyes.  
"Can I sleep with you tonight?" she asked, with puppy eyes... those puppy eyes.  I froze at her request. I wanted to respond with 'always, whenever, you never need to ask...' Or, respond with a kiss. Just grab her, kiss her, and sit her on top of me... her long, long hair tickling my face, my chin, my cheek bones... I wanted to feel her smiling in between my small breasts, I wanted to hold her so close... so close that I could feel our heartbeats pumping against one another...  
"Hmmm maybe some other time, I feel like I'm getting pretty sick... I don't want you to get it..." but instead, I say this. I tried to say it as sweet, and convincing as possible.  
"I don't care... I don't care if I get sick... I hate waiting for everyone to go to sleep, just to be near you... I'm tired of waiting..." she said, as she reached her hand out to stroke my bangs away from my forehead -- like she always does.  
"I -- I know, but, we still got a couple of more performances, and it'd be bad if we both got sick?" I tilted my head back down towards my pillow, moving my head away from her hand.  I could see the confusion in her eyes... damn it. I don't want to do this, but... it's for her good, right? The media is a bitch, right?  I mean, look what we've already found today... right?  
"Okay...you're right..." she said, in a resigned tone of voice, as she fidgeted with her lips... 

I could feel the disappointment in her voice, as she crawled back up to her bed.  

I'm the first person to ever correspond to her... and now she's probably thinking that I'm just... playing her... gosh whatever could she be thinking? What the hell am I thinking...?  
  
  
"Amber..." Krystal called out to me as we all began to walk down the halls towards our dorms. The tour was over, but the rumors weren't... the media had just gotten worse... Well, rumors that were... true. "Amber...!" Krystal rushed to my side, and held my hand tight, stopping me in my walk.   
"They haven't turned off the lights yet, Krystal." I said, looking down and away from her.   
"Like you were even going to meet me in the hall ways like you said... you've been avoiding me all the rest of the tour... why?" she demanded.   
"No... I haven't... what are you talking about?" I said, with a light laugh, nervousness invading my voice.   
"Yes, yes you have... what's wrong...?" her voice went from sturdy and harsh to... sad and worried. "Did I do something wrong?" Oh no, no, no... as soon as she started thinking she was the problem, I felt my heart strings clench...   
"Of course not..." I said with worry in my voice, as I turned around quickly, grabbing onto her other hand. "Of course not... you haven't done anything wrong... ever... It's just..."  
"Just what...?"   
"Look, I'm sorry I dragged you into this... but..." I said, as I began to walk over to our spot, right next to her door. I sat down, and pulled her down with me.   
"Amber, what are you talking about? Dragged me into what?" she asked, as all I could do was stare. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. Am I breaking up with her before we ever even started dating? I sighed in frustration with myself.   
"I can't do this..." I said, as I began to get up, she held my hand, pulling me back down...  
"Am... talk to me..." she said, as my snapback fell down in the midst of her trying to get me to sit back down, and a fortune cookie dropped to the floor, cracking open... she picked it up, reading it... 

 

"No...! No... not anymore..." I said as I quickly snatched it out of her hands. Fuck... I had forgotten to take that out of my hat...  
"... you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend... but you changed your mind..." she said softly, with a numb tone in her voice... realizing what was going on... or at least what she thought was going on...  
"Please, it's not what you think..." I said... I really did want this to be more dissimulated... but I really didn't want her thinking that I suddenly didn't want her... or think that it's because of something she did... that's the last thing I want... and I definitely don't want to be the heart-breaker here... "Please don't think that I don't want you anymore..." I said, as I slowly bent down to face her... she looked at me with those puppy eyes...  
"Then what is it...?" she asked, nearly begging.   
"Krystal... I just... I don't want you to get hurt..." I sighed. "I wanted to try to play it off and distance myself slowly, but gawd damn, you're such a persistent little princess..." I said with a light laugh, still nervous, still sad.   
"Why would I get hurt...? Do you think you're going to hurt me...?" she really doesn't understand the complications of loving... especially the complications of loving each other... of being gay.  
"No... but loving me is." I said.   
"Amber, if it's because we're both girls... I get it. I really do..."  
"That's exactly why!" nevermind... she does get it... apparently.   
"And don't think for a second that I don't think about it every minute of the day... 'am I gay? What am I? What is this?' It's all I ever think about, Amber... ever since I realized that I liked you... and ever since we kissed, and ever since we confessed to each other... these thoughts have just gotten stronger, and stonger..." she began to explain...  
"Yeah... and the media is noticing... it's hard to dissimulate... like you said..." I interrupted.   
"... and I know this... I saw the 'kryber' posts... the sign... I saw it, and I freak out for a second... for less than a second -- and then I see your smile. And it all goes away..." she said, as she reached the palm of her hand to caress one of my cheeks... gently. Her answer shocked me, in a good way. "... I see your smile and it all goes away... I see your smile and I'm inspired again... I see your smile --" she giggled " -- your dorky, quirky smile... and they just don't understand... you're such a stranger to them... but a beautiful stranger to me..." her response soothes me... her words caress my ears... but the picture of Soyeon in that closet... Jessica's words... 'it would ruin her...' -- those images, those words... were haunting me. I turned around, and laid my back onto the wall... and curled my knees up to my chest, as Krystal faced my side. 

"She was everything to me, you know? She whispered my name sitting behind me in the classroom, and that was all I needed. It was all my day needed to feel complete. She completed me in a way that only god could describe." I sighed in deeply, holding back tears, my lips trembling. 'Hey, have you seen Soyeon? I know she came to class today, I saw her this morning.' "I asked one of our friends... the only one we had. You see, I never was very popular at school, but it never phased me because I had her, ya' know? I held her hand that morning in the girl's bathroom, and I kissed her behind her ear, and she held me close, tightly, as if she was saying goodbye... she  _was_ saying goodbye, and I didn't even notice. I was supposed to be the person who knew her the most, and I couldn't even see her wound, the blood coming from the inside out, her world crumbling... We were constantly bullied at school, as much as we tried to hide 'us'. Still, it always felt like... we'd be enough for each other to just go through it, get out of it alive..."  
  
...  
...  
  
I turned to look at her, tears filling my eyes again. Again, being vulnerable around Krystal was so easy, because her eyes poured into mine as I fell apart.  
"... but I wasn't enough..." I began to cry "...and I didn't understand why. I still don't. I don't think I ever will...  
  
... the janitor's reaction at opening the door, while I was, coincidentally, passing by. The stool had been violently kicked away, falling over a bucket of blue paint that spilled all over the floor, and made its way out the hallway... her face hidden by her hair, her neck tucked inside that rainbow belt we had gotten to match... I didn't feel anything for days, weeks... months.   
  
... and it was all my fault, Krys... I wasn't enough, and I fear it's going to happen all over again... I wont put you through this... you don't have to... you don't. So, don't. Please, don't." I begged her...   
  
"Baby..." that word slipped out of Krystal's voice... as she held my cheeks in the palm of her hands again, just like that time. She turned my face around to face hers, as a couple of more tears slipped down my cheeks, and in between her fingers. I had never gone into detail about Soyeon with anyone. Not even myself... Now she knows everything... she knows the whole truth...   
  
"Don't you see how damaged I am...?" I managed to say in between stutters. She wiped off some tears from my cheeks, and then she turned around to reach into her bag...   
"I'll fix you..." she said, bringing out a solved Rubik's cube.   
"My cube... you had it this whole time..." I said in amazement, sniffing my stuffy nose as she nodded...  
"I wanted to impress you... so you could see that I solved it all on my own this time..." she said... "it took me a couple of days, though." she giggled... I laughed lightly, as I rubbed my eyes.   
"Mission accomplished, then... I'm impressed..." I said, as I held the rubik's in my hand, looking down at it... sneaking glances up at her... I didn't want her to see me blushing...   
"Oh...!" she said, as she turned back to look inside of her bag... "I wasn't joking, when I said I thought about this... a lot..." she passed me a sheet of paper... "I'm writing another song... but I think you should finish it..."   
"You wrote it on a sheet of paper?" I asked, as I turned the paper inside and out...  
"You have my diary...stupid." she said, teasing me.   
"Oh yeah..." I laughed lightly at myself... as I began to read the lyrics.   
  
  


Beautiful Stranger

I’ve fallen right into your eyes

The mysterious feeling, new language

I’ll open my heart to you

Beautiful Stranger

Everyone’s saying you’re dangerous

They don’t even try to see you in

The same way

That I do, no

The stories lead right into a deep silence

You came from a different world

They just don’t understand

The look in your eyes as you put your hand in mine

Take me to a place where we can make an escape

Beautiful Stranger

No matter what they say you’re an angel

The music that you put together

That music possesses my heart

Beautiful Stranger

To them you’re still mysterious

They still don’t understand you so they

Continue

To push you away, no

You came out of nowhere when I first saw you

With a different look and you didn’t care what they said

Now just take my hand and lead me

Take me to a place where we can make an escape  
  
  
"Krystal... this is beautiful... like always... I -- how can you want me to add to this? I'll just ruin it... I can't even write... I can't write poetry and stuff..." I rambled nervously...  
"Please...? I know you can... if you just -- just write what you feel... we'll fix it together..." she begged me with her puppy eyes, as she slowly but surely began to lean into me, placing her hands on my knees... how to say no to her?  
"O-okay... I'll finish it... I promise."  
"Just like you promised you'd never stop loving me... right?" she leaned in more, and more, her eyes right inside of mine, her lips tempting mine...   
"Right... -- I mean... yes, my princess..." a soft sigh slipped out from in between my lips, as I sniffled still...   
"I love you, Amber..."   
"And I love you, Krystal..."  
"Now... do  _you_ want to be  _my_ girlfriend...?" she asked, with a slight smirk and a raise of her eyebrow...  
"Hey...! That's my part..." I pouted jokingly...  
"Yeah... and you blew it, stupid... now answer me." she demanded jokingly, as she held in a giggle.  
"Of course... of course I want to be your girlfriend..." I said softly, as I let my gaze sink into hers... she smiled back at me ...  
"...Now, stay with me... and kiss me slowly..."  
  
["Kiss Me Slowly" -- Parachute](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3TchLMKkEA)  
  
  
She thinks we can be enough for each other, that we're different... that  _she's_  different. Our smiles should be enough... they can be...   
  
Our lips locked, as the lights of the hallway dimmed out... my eyes began to close, as I felt her hands slip down slowly from my knees to my thighs...   
  
She's mine. I'm hers. Secretly, but madly in love... and she's okay with that. She wants to tackle that, so I should tackle it together with her-- face it with her...   
  
She bites my bottom lip tenderly, pulling it, and pulling back in to meet my tongue with hers, as I slide my hands around her hips, her waist, and up her back...   
  
The media can kiss our ass.   
  
I slide my hands from her back, all the way down to underneath her thighs, as I lift her up, and sit her on my lap... holding our kiss, tasting every inch of her mouth, of her lips. I can feel our bodies heating up... kissing her as I have her on top of me -- gawd it feels so good... she feels -- she tastes so good... she slips her hands to the front of my waist, as she attempts to unbuckle my jeans...   
  
"Wh- what are you doing...?" I whisper, as I barely pull away from our kiss to speak...   
"I don't know..." she whispers back, breathless...   
  
  
To be continued...   
  
  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
**Notes:**  
My longest chapter yet!   
It got a little more complicated than I thought it would. I might come back and edit, and re-read this. I did not re-read the last part of this. Might have some typos.   
  
  
With that being said, I AM SO SORRY this took so long. =D   
  
1- I got a job promotion! Wooo!  
2- My girlfriend and best friend moved into town.   
3- We just moved into our new apartment.   
  
  
It's just been crazy busy!  I haven't had time to write. After we all get settled in, I'll be able to update sooner. A lot sooner. =) Pinky swear.   
  
The lyrics mentioned above are the incomplete portion of "Beautiful Stranger" by F(x) translated into English. =) Hopefully Amber can complete those, right?  
  
Also... Krystal's getting curious... LOOK FORWARD TO NEXT UPDATE =DD FIND OUT IF KRYSTAL GETS TO SEE UNDERNEATH THOSE JEANS!!! LMFAO!   
  
  
THANKS FOR READING EVERYONE! Best fans EVAH!  
  
P.S. Hope you guys enjoyed that spanish song. My girlfriend thought it fit perfectly. :3 She picked it. 


	11. Let's Talk About Sex: Part One

_Let's Talk About Sex_   
  
  
  
["Bedroom Talk" - The Starting Line](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLTyCu8TTNk)   
  
  


My eyes shift down towards her hands, as they remain still, holding the buckle of my jeans. I shift my eyes back into hers, as I pant softly. I could feel the pounding in between my legs... just kissing her was enough for me to just -- mmmm -- I regain control of my senses, as I slide my hands from her thighs, all the way towards her hands.   
  
"You don't know?" I asked her. I didn't want her to do something unknowingly, or worse...  She quickly became embarrassed, and a true hint of shyness bloomed over her cheeks. She quickly restrained her hands away from my jeans, and leaned back a bit, placing her hands on the floor behind her to hold herself up. She began to look down towards the floor, avoiding my eyes, and beginning to fidget with her lips. I noticed right away, and immediately tried to lighten up the atmosphere... I don't want her to think she did something wrong again...  "I mean..." I sighed with a chuckle "... not that I'm opposed to whatever you were planning on doing down there... just ummm..." I said with a teasing voice, as I looked around us "... we're in the  _hallway_ , princess." I saw no response from her, as she just seemed to shy away even more. I extended one of my hands over to her chin, lifting it lightly to bring her gaze back up to me. "Hey... I mean... making out is already kind of risking it..." I said to her, as I smiled.   
"I know... I know... !"  she said suddenly, trying to defend herself, still fidgeting with her lips. "I just... I wanted to impress you... I -- " she lowered her gaze as she was about to continue her sentence.  "I read that...  _doing it_  in places where you might get caught is supposed to make it like -- ummm exciting, adventurous?" she stuttered over her words, as she began to get nervous. I giggled at her response, upon realizing.   
"You  _read_?" I teased her, as I reached my hands out for hers, bringing them back to the center in between us both. I kept trying to turn and place my gaze in front of hers, following her wherever she turned her head, smiling at her blushing-ness... it was way adorable.   
"Well... yeah... It was online... this article online that I Googled... about like --  _this_  kind of stuff..." she continuously avoided any wording that could possibly make it obvious that she was trying to talk about sex.   
"So... is that why you were being over the top seductive just earlier? To impress me with your newly found knowledge?" I teased her even more. She snapped her tongue, as she continued to attempt to hide her face from me.   
"Stupid..."  she murmured. She then quickly and suddenly peaked at me with a light smirk, and asked... "Wait... so I  _was_ seductive?"   
"Well... yes... A lot..."  I replied in the most sensual voice possible, as I smirked at her -- getting closer to each other once again. Closer, and closer... I felt her hands starting to take a hold of the buckle on my jeans again... unzipping them now, slowly... slower...  -- "No, no... wait. That's not the point, Krys... we can't..."  I hastily began to zip my pants back up... I really didn't want to -- gosh, I  _really_  did not want to stop her...  but reason was telling me that I needed to. "Krystal... we're in public, remember?" She bit her bottom lip, and I could see a lot more confidence in her, as she was burning -- in flames -- with desire that just poured out of her eyes like lava.  She knew for a fact that she -- again -- had me wrapped around her fingers.  It was beyond obvious the effect that she had on me...on my senses, and she knew it. She knew it so very well. "... and also, just as a side note..." I regained my composure, as I reached one of my hands to caress her cheek "... you don't need to impress me.  The mere fact that you exist is already pretty damn impressive..." I smiled warmly, as she smiled back wrapping her arms around my neck and beginning to kiss me again. This kiss was softer, sweeter, tender... I could feel but only the tips of our tongues touch, as our lips glided along each other...  
  
And then it dawned on me. She's a virgin.  She's never done  _anything._.. gosh especially with a girl!  Did she even have a clue what she was about to do? Like... did she maybe read on that, too?   
  
"Did the article tell you to unbuckle my pants?" I continued to tease her. She bit my bottom lip harshly, as she closed up the kiss and parted her lips away.   
"Being a smart-ass, now?" she asked, as she raised her eyebrow.    
"Well... yes and no.  Like, did it tell you what to do  _after_  you unbuckled them?" I asked, and she noticed that my answer did in fact have a hint of curiosity.   
"Uhh -- no... It did  _not_ , actually." she replied as I could see her eyes wander towards the ceiling. She began to give it some thought. " _But_... that's when I went to dirty101.com and it -- well, I saw some things there..." her face got absolutely red, as she placed her gaze back towards me. In an effort to defend what she's learned, she ended up embarrassing herself.   
"Soojungie! You watched porn!?" I whispered loudly, totally holding in a huge laugh.   
"Shhhh...! Oh my god!" she said with a giggle, as she shoved my shoulder. "Well, yeah! Don't act like you've never seen it at least  _once!_  It didn't look too fun, though..." she continued. I lied my back against the wall, bringing my knees up towards my chest. I spread them out a bit to make room for her to sit in between. She immediately understood, and leaned her back against my chest, in between my small breasts. I then wrapped my arms around her waist, as I listened attentively, and with excitement.   
"I've seen it. Yes. By accident, not purposely for 'research'. This is going to be hilarious." I said to her with a chuckle, as she placed one arm around each one of my inner thighs.   
"You seriously want to hear this?" she shook her head slowly, insinuating me being such a weirdo.   
"Yes. Definitely. This will actually be the highlight of my day."   
"Really? And not us  _officially_  dating?"   
"Well, that's the highlight of my life... there's a difference..." I replied, as she looked up with a smirk, and quickly kissed my chin.   
"It wasn't anything spectacular... just... I don't know."   
"Did it make you question your apparent gayness?" I teased her.  She laughed, and said  
"No... never... I am so totally..." she gave me a passionate sigh, as she turned her head upwards to look up at me again "... totally gay for you..." she continued as she kissed the bottom of one of my cheeks  "... or at least... so far so good..." she joked.  "I don't know... it was... they like crisscrossed their legs or something, so that their  _stuff_  was like -- touching?" it was so hard to not laugh at her descriptions, but I held it in.   
"Yeah... the famous scissoring?  Gosh. No, absolutely not.  Did you know that about 99.9% of the 'lesbian' porn out there is made  _by_  men, and  _for_  men? I mean, come on Krys... can you honestly picture me  wearing high heels while I -- you know... ?"  I asked her, expecting the obvious answer, as she actually started to think about it, raising her eyes to the side... "Were you picturing it?!" I asked, as she giggled.   
"Of  _course_  not..." she said, with a hint of sarcasm. "I'd  _never_..." she finished, as I poked both her sides, making her slightly jump in my arms, as she giggled louder.   
"Point is... even that scissoring thing? Happens like... maybe every 1 out of 100 couples do that thing.  At least, I've never done it." I continued to explain.   
"So, I guess I would have probably made a fool of myself, if I would have kept going... huh?" she asked, with a bit of disappointment in her voice.   
"Yes, but an adorable fool." Don't ask me why I enjoy being an ass. It's just fun. Too much fun. Especially when I get to see her adorable pout... oh! There it is. She pouted, as she leaned over to one of my knees, biting it.  "Hey! Ow!" I said, in between a light laugh.   
"Gawd! Why are you so mean to me?!" she pouted.   
"Awww Ddudungie... in all honesty... I would have enjoyed anything you would have done to me..."  And I can't believe I just said that.  The sad part is, that it's actually true. She could just bite me all night... and I'd enjoy every bit of it. I didn't want her to know that, though... at least not yet. I feel like I'm  _so_  tainting her right now... She looked up at me again, and smirked.   
"You know... I'm not as innocent as you think I am... you can tell me what's on your mind, Llama." she said. I gulped. Apparently, all of my thoughts seem to be written all over my face. It's like I'm an open book to her.  I grinned awkwardly.   
"W-we should get to bed. It's late." I said, trying to quickly change the subject. Hold it... I'm the pro at this here... why is it that  _she's_  the one that's making  _me_  uneasy...?    
"Only if you come to bed with me..." I got stumped for a moment, but then nodded with a warm smile.   
"Okay, I will..." I responded.  
  
It was the first time Soojung and I were sleeping together while both knowing how we felt -- and not just knowing, but we were even  _committed_. I was in my thinking position... but I wasn't thinking. At all. My eyes were softly shut, and a quaint smile was painted on my face, as Krystal's head was rested over my shoulder. One of her legs was wrapped around my waist, and one of her hands wrapped around my neck.   
   
I felt her giggle over my shoulder, as we both heard Sulli's sleep talk.   
"What the freak? Flying potatoes?" I whispered in between small escapes of laughter. Krystal laughed even louder after hearing my laugh. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her closer. "Shhh..."  I said, as I continued to try and drown my laughter.   
"She really loves potatoes..." Krystal said, muffling her laughter in my tank top. We both took in a deep breath, in an attempt to stop laughing... becoming silent for a moment. "So... you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend with a fortune cookie?" she asked suddenly. I was a little thrown off by her question... though we never  _did_ get a chance to talk about that before...   
"Umm... yeah? Destiny? Get it?"  
"Why didn't you just ask me in the dressers?" she asked. Seriously? That's what I originally wanted to do...   
"Well... I don't know... I wanted to do something cute... I guess." I explained, taking Jackie's word for it.   
"It was..."  
"Yeahp." I responded awkwardly, over-pronouncing the 'p' sound.   
"Well... here we are. We're girlfriend and girlfriend." she said.  
"Yeah, but... how it all kind of went down -- it wasn't as special as I expected it to be.  I kind of ruined it... I'm really sorr--"    
"It's  _been_  special...  _this_ , what  _we_  have... it was already special before it even began..." I bit my bottom lip at her response, as I slowly took one of my hands to her chin and lifted her lips towards mine. I met her in the middle, and kissed her abruptly. I didn't wait for her permission, because I knew she would just join in. Because she was mine now... I knew I didn't have to ask this time. I kissed her with a fierce passion, but it wasn't rushed. It was paced, harsh, and slow. I felt her fingers grip the straps of my tank top, as if she was trying to rip them off of me... and somehow, at some moment, I found myself on top of her. My knees on both of her sides, pressed against the bed. She wrapped her hands around my neck, as she sunk her fingers up into my hair. I reached my hands around my neck, gripping her hands, and slamming them suddenly against the bed, each hand on one side of her face -- taking her entire body down with her hands, I was now sitting on her waist slightly. She looked up at me, in awe. She froze.   
"I -- I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..." I quickly tried to apologize, noticing my own hormones raging... I wanted to eat her up, every single bit of her... but I knew I needed to be tender with her. I needed to be patient...   
"No... it's okay... I want this." she whispered back in reply... want what!? She doesn't know what she's talking about... and I'm -- it definitely ain't happening in a dorm room! That's for freakin' sure.  I mean... her first time, that is -- because, shit -- after her first time, it can happen  _where_.  _ever_. I could love her in the middle of a fire, under water, free-falling, underground, underneath a desk, in a closet...   
"What do you want...?" I asked.   
"You..." she responded without hesitation, as I shifted my eyes to the side, my cheeks hot red.   
"You don't want that... not right now. Not here."  I responded with uncertainty, as she released one of her hands from my grip, taking my hand in hers and placing it slightly below one of her breasts...    
"Do you feel that? It's racing... stop trying to set things up.  Just let it happen when it happens, Amber..." she tried looking at me straight in the eyes, as my gaze slowly turned back towards hers. She was making me so nervous in such a good way. How is that even possible? "I'm not a child... you don't have to protect me, servant." And it was true... though I was her servant, the irony of it all is that she's the one who's protected me the most. She's the one who's helped me adjust to everything in South Korea... she's the one who's held me when I wouldn't stop crying... she's the ones who's helped me speak the language... She's the one who hasn't been afraid of all the ghosts in my closet... she never ran away. Yet, I insist on protecting her...    
  
...but no. Still... I wasn't going to allow her first time to be  _here_.  I just wasn't going to let that happen.    
"I'm sorry... but it's just not going to happen..." I looked down at her, reluctant about what I just said. Half and half convinced with myself... her eyes saddened softly.   
"Fine... I understand.  Just -- kiss me then..." she whispered gently. Her voice was so sensual... so tender, as she reached her hands back around my neck drawing me in. As soon as I closed in, I could feel the heat coming from her chest. It was like a thousand suns. She was kissing me with so much more passion than before. I could tell she was clearly  _there_... In flames again. The palm of my hands were pressed against the bed, on both sides of her body. I refused to touch her, as I felt her hands glide down my shoulders. My lips slipped down her jaw line and towards her neck. I was panting over the skin on her neck, as I could hear a soft moan escape her lips that were gently caressing the lobe of my ear.   
"I'm yours..." she whispered into my ear, unexpectedly.   
"And I'm yours..." I replied softly over her neck, in hopes that it would reach her ear. I could feel her hands make their way from my shoulders and all of the way down my back, as she lifted my shirt slightly, revealing skin in which I could feel her nails sink into. I bit her neck in excitement... as I heard another soft moan escaping from her lips. Every moan sent shocks throughout my entire body... like electricity -- a current of pure electricity, and it made me shiver.   
  
I bit her neck again, hoping to get the same reaction... and I did. I felt myself getting set up for failure... failure to my previous words. Her scent -- once again -- driving me into a fine frenzy. She was the sweetest venom, a heaven-like poison... and I wanted to drink every last drop.  My lips hastily made their way up to one of her ears... sucking on her earlobe tenderly. "Gosh... I  _really_  want to taste you right now..."  I whispered, as I was slowly feeling myself going back on my words.  She was seducing the living hell out of me without even knowing -- without even doing  _anything_... just but shiver at my touch. We were already so fired up from the hallway... but it was escalating way too quickly.   
"Too bad nothing's happening tonight..." she whispered back into my ear with a mischievous giggle... Could I really keep my hands to myself...?  My palms tightened, as I gripped and scrunched up the sheets on the bed, right before slowly guiding them towards her inner-upper thighs -- the area right below her butt -- but as soon as my fingers touched her skin, she removed one of her hands from my back and slapped my hand away.  
"Uggnn!" I moaned in pain softly, trying to muffle it as much as possible.   
"Nu-uh..." she whispered seductively into my ear, as I could feel her smiling... This is beyond wrong.   
"But I thought..." I refuted.   
"No... you're right -- we should wait... too late to go back on your words now, Llama-servant." she said with a hidden giggle. She was having way too much fun... I wanted to believe that I was also the one seducing here, and that she would eventually give in... So, I smirked sinking my lips back into her neck, sucking and biting her skin... I could feel her squirm underneath me, holding in her moans. "F- fuck...!" she whispered loudly in a muffled moan... I made sure to work her up enough to get my hands close to her hips, lifting up her shirt slowly... tracing the tip of my fingers along the bikini line of her waist -- and making sure to not remove my lips away from the skin on her neck. I began to unbutton her short denims... feeling closer and closer to what I wanted so badly... I wanted to make her beg for it -- is what I wanted. I wanted her to bite her lips with anticipation of my touch -- instead she slapped my hand away once more... I couldn't believe her persistence. Her self control... until she --   
"Fuck... I can't take it anymore..." she said in between pants. I smiled at her response, thinking I had won.    
"What... what are you doing...?" my smile quickly turned into an awe... as she slid one of her hands inside of her shorts and in between her legs... My jaw dropped... was she doing what I thought she was doing?   
  
Her back arched, as she looked me dead in the eyes... she was going to touch herself -- masturbate -- right underneath me, and I couldn't fucking fathom -- I can't even -- I can't believe this is actually happening right now.   
  
I could feel the hump of her wrist grazing me in between my legs, as she moved her hands up and down in between her own legs inside of her shorts... I lifted my hands away from her body, and placed them up above the headboard of the bed in order to lift up my body a bit to give her more space -- and to watch her...  Unable to touch her -- just watch, as she arched her back, bit her lips -- her eyes rolled to the back of her head... she then slowly removed her hands from in between her legs and out of her shorts...   
"Didn't you say you wanted to taste me...?" she asked with fake shyness, as she slowly raised her finger over my lips, and I instinctively sucked on it slowly...   
  
  
...it was ecstasy. Pure ecstasy. I was so high on her taste... I wanted more. So much more...   
She slipped her finger out from in between my lips, and back in between her legs... my jaw still absolutely dropped.  Is this my princess...? My sweet, sweet princess...? It's like turned-on Soojungie is a totally different person... absolutely naughty, and absolutely hella sexy...   
  


  
  
  


She reached over with her free hand to grab one of the sheets. She then placed the sheet in her mouth, to muffle the sounds... as her free hand made its way towards the side of one of my thighs... and I could feel her sink her nails into my skin, as her eyes rolled to the back of her head once again... her hips raised all the way up, almost bumping against mine, and her legs began to tremble...  I would give anything for my tongue to be doing this to her right now, instead of her fingers...   
  
Her body slowly came back down, as she removed the sheet from her mouth, and panted softly. Her eyes shut. What a sight... I quickly turned my head to look over at Sulli's bed -- still snoring...   
  
"You're so beautiful..." I said, looking back down towards Krystal, as I saw a soft smile appear over her lips, her eyes still shut. I removed my hands from over the headboard, and placed myself to her side, sitting up slightly.  Her head under my arm, as I leaned over to kiss her dry lips -- dry and cold from the excessive panting.  "You know... I'd never had a girl do that before -- ever."    
"I'm sorry... I couldn't take it anymore -- and since you're not allowed to touch me..." she finished her sentence with a light giggle.   
"If I plan something -- if I take us somewhere special -- can I touch you then?"   
"Yes...? But I sort of enjoy teasing you..." she said with a smirk, as she opened one of her eyes to look up at me.   
"You are  _so_  evil, you know that?" she continued to giggle at my comments, as she turned on her side to face me, snuggling into my tummy.   
"Naega jeongmal neoreul saranghanda..." she whispered, the movement of her lips tickling my tummy.    
"I really love you, too... loser." I replied, as I wrapped my arms around her,  and as I started to sink in more into laying position... "And stop talking to me in Korean, you know I still don't understand it very well..."  I pouted jokingly... as she whimpered softly... beginning to fall asleep in my arms.   
  
I'll definitely find the perfect place...   
  
  
  
Notes:  
\------------------------------------------  
  
\- Part Two, to be continued...  
  
\- Part Two, I will try to update this weekend. XD You were all wanting me to publish it, so I at least published the first part for you guys. So, you guys can have something while you wait for the second part! =D   
  
Sorry for the delay! Busy, busy, busy T_T.   
I hope I did not disappoint. Not very good with "smut". Though, expect second part to have SHOWER SCENE! That should be GREAT! :D  
  
  
UPDATE:  
  
I just realized the site I provided (which I thought of off the top of my head) is actually legit LOL! But it's a DATING site. So... I changed it to an actual Po*n site. -- >_> Awkward. 


	12. Let's Talk About Sex: Part Two

_Let's Talk About Sex: Part Two  
  
_

 

 _When the sun is setting down on Muchangpo Beach, when the tide begins to reach the highest places, when the wind begins to blow the loudest, when you're holding her the closest... you begin to wonder that you must have done something so right in your life to deserve this.  
"Am I hurting you...?" I asked, softly breathing into her ear. I had her pressed against the wall of a lifeguard tower. Her hands gripping both of my shoulders tightly, as her cheek pressed against my ear.   
"Ungh... no... it's just -- it doesn't hurt. It's just a little -- ungh! -- uncomfortable."  
I chuckled softly as I continued to kiss and suck on her earlobe, down the trail of her neck, and back to her earlobe again. "... and you're actually... not as tight..." I replied.  She giggled softly, as she kept holding back her moans. She bit my neck gently, panting softly.  
"I use tampons... every month..." she explained.   
"Super size?"   
 She giggled even more..."Shut up... stupid -- ungh...!"  she sunk her nails into my shoulders...   
"Just tell me when you want me to stop..."   
"Mhhm..."_   
  
  
Shivering. A small body in between my arms, it shivered. My princess shivered, as the chill morning breeze of autumn made its way through an open window. The light in the room was still in between dusk and dawn... like the twilight of a morning. Her hair was dispersed all over my neck, and our bodies were tangled. Tangled and hidden underneath the sheets where no one could see. It was a weekend off, after a long and tiring debut tour. I had money and I had a girl, and an entire 72 hours of freedom.  I wanted to take us away from here... like in that song she wrote, 'take me to a place where we can make an escape... beautiful stranger...'   
  
I will. I promise you, I will.   
  
I lift my head up only but an inch to look over at Sulli. She was still dead asleep, as I look back down at my princess -- even more dead... I slipped out of the sheets slowly, making sure to not wake neither. I had to make a swift escape back to my room before Sulli notices I slept over -- yet again, and before Luna notices I never slept in our room,  _period_. I sit at the edge of the bed, turning my head over to look at Krystal again. She whimpers softly. The same puffy pink cheeks, the puckered red lips. She always gets puffy after sleeping... I smiled, remembering again that she's all mine. I turned back towards the room biting my bottom lip in, as I began to tie up my shoes.   
  
"Am...?" I hear her voice say my name, in the midst of what almost sounded like a soft cry. "Amber...?" she sits up quickly. I turn around, as I see her looking for me.   
"Hey... hey, I'm right here... I'm right here." I crawl back up to her, with only one shoe on my foot.  She wraps herself around me desperately.   
"Why were you leaving me without saying goodbye...? Stupid..."  
"I didn't want to wake you, loser." I said, as I wrapped my arms around her head, resting it in between my breasts.   
"I don't care... don't do that again..." she said, in demand.   
"Geez... alright,  _your cranky highness_..." I kissed her forehead. "Go back to sleep... it's still so early." I said, as I attempted to remove myself from her embrace.   
"Well... now you're leaving... I won't be able to fall asleep again." she pouts, as she holds on to me tightly. "I can't sleep without my teddy llama anymore..."   
I chuckled. "Of course you can, loser." I gave in to her hold, as I placed my chin on her head.   
  
"When I woke up, and I didn't see you next to me anymore... I thought everything had been a dream, and my chest knotted up -- so knotted, almost like a stationary tornado..."   
"Well, last time I checked, I'm pretty real. Everytime you hit my shoulder, it kind of really hurts." I teased her.  She looked up at me, arching one of her eyebrows. I gave her a huge grin, and she blew me a kiss.   
"Dork..." she said.  
"I'm your dork, though." I replied. "But really though, I should get going... before Sulli and Luna wake up." She bites her bottom lip, and snuggles into me even more.   
"Fine..." she says with sigh. "I release you, servant."   
I chuckled, as I made my way off the bed, and stuck my foot in my other shoe. "Your highness..." I bowed.  She blew me another kiss, as I motioned to grab it in one of my hands, and placing it on my heart.  She giggled shaking her head, as she plopped herself back onto her bed.   
  
I tip-toed into my bedroom. Seems like I find myself doing this often... and it freaking sucks. The whole tip-toeing through life was starting to get kinda repetitive -- and honestly, tiring. I sat at the edge of my bed, and looked over at Luna still fast asleep. We were all so tired from the debut tour that, everyone would probably just end up sleeping for hours upon hours... and I really,  _really_ wanted to go back to sleep, but...  I turned to look over at my calendar that was hung right above my night stand. I flipped it over to October, noticing where I had marked Krystal's birthday.  I smiled at the thought of all of the things I could surprise her with on her birthday. I shook my head knowing that I should probably plan out  _this_  weekend first, before I plan out what to do for her birthday. Gosh... this weekend. It has to be perfect, as much as Krystal hates perfect, which I will  _never_  understand. I chuckled at the thought, that it's almost as if Krystal hates herself -- since she, in herself -- she's perfect... or close to it, at least.  I yawned... damn, I gotta keep myself awake. I looked towards my bookbag, thinking that maybe quietly unpacking might be a good remedy to staying awake. I grabbed my bag, and as soon as I unzipped it, there it was: My solved Rubik's cube. I smiled and sighed as I felt my stomach tingling from butterflies...  
  
 _I'll fix you..._  
  
She really has...   
  


[Hero/Heroine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkHU02whcsw)   
  
_"I've got a closet filled up to the brim with the ghosts of my past and the skeletons, and I don't know why you'd even try...  
but I won't lie... you caught me off-guard. Now I'm running and screaming... I feel like a hero, and you are my heroine. Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?"_   
  
  


The next thing I pull out of my bag: A hastily folded sheet of paper that held a half written song, "Beautiful Stranger".  I read the title, as I looked at Krystal's handwriting... the way she puts a heart over the ' i '. I laughed under my breath, "loser...".  I looked back towards the calendar, glaring at the weekend ahead... 72 hours. Maybe I should make a checklist of things that I need to get done, things I need to plan. I look back at the song, as I still hold the paper in my hand, knowing that on my list I  _gotta_  include finishing this song.  I promised her I'd do it. Lots to do, lots to do... dayum.  I felt myself that I couldn't stop smiling. Constantly losing myself in thoughts that jumped from one to the other... going from her taste, to the calendar... from my bookbag, to the time... from her moans, to biting my lips... from the song, to her skin...

"Unnie... are we praying like you said we would?" My eyes widened slowly, as I froze at the sound of Luna's voice. I didn't even really hear what she said until seconds later...   
"D-duh..." I said, quickly shoving all of the secrets back into the box from which they nearly all escaped from.  All of them written bluntly over my face. "Morning, by the way... you scared me." I admitted.   
"I  _did_  say morning... you didn't  _hear_  me, unnie." she said with a soft smile, as she shook her head slowly. "Unnie's head always in the clouds." she yawned, as she sat up in bed. She patted the spot right next to her, for me to go over and sit. I was reluctant, because every morning that I wake up, I dress up. I dress up, and I grab my keys. I smile at Jackie's face on my keychain, and I smile at the picture of my mah on the phone... I grab my Rubik's and I grab my headphones... and I grab everything  _but_   _that_  -- I thought to myself as I stared over at the Cross necklace rested on my nightstand. Lately... I just  _can't_.  I totally forgot that I agreed to this with Luna. That we had planned that we'd pray together after debut to thank Him for our success, for our talents, for --- finding  _love_? I'm tired of this, man. I'm so tired of tip-toeing...   
  
"I'm gay." I said, as I still sat on my bed.   
  
Well...  _that_  was anti-climatic. I looked down as I said it, hands on my lap. I looked up slowly to see her reaction, after hearing seconds of only pure deadly silence. I was prepared to see a face of disgust -- instead...   
  
"Ah...?" confusion. Her head tilted in confusion, as she really did not understand the term. I internally face-palmed myself, maintaining my same position.   
  
"Dong - Seong - Ae..."  I said very slowly, as I attempted to articulate every word correctly. I was afraid I'd say something else by mistake -- like always.   
"Dongseongae..." she repeated very smoothly... still slightly confused. "I'm...? You? Ambah unnie? Dongseongae...?"  she put two together, as she asked with slight disbelief. "But... Henry oppa?"  
I shook my head.   
"No... no... Henry and I are just close friends, Luna..." It was getting exhausting having to repeat this sentence over and over to -- well, to everyone pretty much. But, I can't blame 'em. Henry and I hang out just as much as me and Krystal hang out... It's not a surprise that they'd default for Henry.    
"Truly..." she says, as she now begins to agree, and see to the fact. Her eyes are slightly wide and looking down towards her lap, as she leans back a bit pressing her hands onto the bed behind her back. I didn't really know what to say. "Since..." she says as she slowly lifts up her gaze towards me.   
"... forever." I finished her sentence. "I've known since forever... pretty much."   
"Why you tell me so suddenly...? Why now?"   
"Because... because I felt so guilty praying -- I've felt guilty for such a long time. I can't  _talk_ to God without facing him about this... and I  _haven't_  faced him about this. I've just avoided this conversation all together -- and Him, as well -- for that matter." Uhhh word vomiting again. She stepped off the bed, and sat by my side. She placed the palm of one of her hands on the back of my head, almost patting it gently. My eyes were lowered, as she placed her other hand on one of mine on my lap. She smiled, that comforting smile that only she knows how to do best. It felt different telling Henry, because I know Henry doesn't have these strong convictions as me and Luna have. It was so much more compelling to -- such a guilty trip to have to pray with her knowing who I am. I've never prayed with anyone, and praying with her felt like I was becoming revealed -- as if I was facing God himself, for some reason and I couldn't handle the guilt... especially with what happened last night.   
  
"Ambah unnie..." she said softly, still holding that soft genuine smile. "... Jesus loves you no matter what you do, who you are, or --"    
"I know that... Of course I know that. But regardless of him loving me... the father that loves its children, he will punish... you know this... and--"  I know this was going to sound so fearful of me, but... "I don't want to go to hell for loving someone..."   
"And you wont... Romans chapter 10, and verse 9, it says that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and if you believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved, unnie."  she said, and it was so simple. So simple, and it made so much sense. I turned my head to look at her, her smile still unbreakable. She had so much peace within her... I want that.

And then it dawned on me. I had been so busy listening to her immediate advice, that I didn't even wonder why she wasn't trying to judge me -- a native Korean.   
  
"So, wait... you don't think it's wrong at all?" I asked, as she shook her head, patted my shoulder, and began to stand up. "You don't judge me at all for loving another girl?"  
"You're not my only friend who is like this... and just like you, they only say to a few close friends -- like me. There's a community out there... they're out there, unnie. You just have to trust in your friends." she said with a huge grin and a squint of her eyes. It was obvious that she's had this conversation many times over before. I smiled softly, and quickly pointed my finger at her.   
"But you still have to promise you won't tell anyone. Kay? No one... I still -- like, there's moments, and like different ways in which I have to come out to different people -- I know it doesn't make much sense, but..."  
"It does."  she gave me a wide grin. "It makes plenty sense -- I promise I won't tell anyone. ~" she crossed her heart.   
  
I was lucky. Beyond lucky, and beyond blessed.   
  
I felt a blanket of relief hover over my heart...  as if a huge weight had just been lifted -- damn. And this was only one person... how much more weight am I carrying?

Oh yeah.   
  
My mom.

  
[For The Bible Tells Me So ](http://www.promptfile.com/l/071B58BA2A-25C7E79100)   
  
_I invite you all to watch this documentary, if you feel like you are one of those struggling to  
make amends between your faith and your sexuality -- with who you are.  
(Unfortunately, they removed my video from the Youtube account, since it was a copyrighted movie/documentary. I will make sure to upload somewhere else, as soon as I get a chance, but feel free to look up the title on your own. ^-^ )_

 

She went back to her bed. "Pray?" she said, as she sat down and patted the spot next to her. I didn't understand why she didn't just stay here in my bed -- we  _were_  already sitting down. 

Maybe just to check if I was able to move this time. I was pretty stumped for a second...  I patted my hair hastily, as I stood up to sit beside her.  She patted my head, and came as if to kiss my cheek, teasingly -- she wasn't uncomfortable with me in the slightest.   
"Hey! What are you doing? Luna! Ewww."  I teased her back as I jokingly pushed her away.

  
  
  


  
"I was testing! To see if true!" she laughed, as I shook my head slowly. "Oh! By the way! Who is it...? The girl you love..."   
"Weren't we --"  I laughed nervously as I licked my lips in. "Weren't we about to pray?" I wasn't going to compromise Krystal with a direct member... it's awkward but -- I'm really not good at lying. I'm just horrible at it. Even keeping things from people becomes a hassle, even more lying.   
"Soojung Jung." she stated bluntly, as she looked at me with a smirk. She guessed it just like that. We're so obvious. Everything is so obvious -- from the concert, from her finding us talking on my bed  _right_ after the 'incident', from the fan shipping... gawd.   
" _No...?"_ I said, trying to make her guessing sound as ridiculous as possible. "That's like -- no. Me and her? No."  I continued, as she arched an eyebrow at me, not removing her stare from me at all. I smiled back at her awkwardly.  "I never said I loved someone now -- it was just a hypothetical situation... do you know what I mean?" but she wasn't having it.   
  
Suddenly, a knock on the door.   
  
"Who?" Luna turns over to the door, and a sigh of relief escaped my lips.   
"It's me, Krystal." and then I started to panic all over again, because Krystal had no idea at all that I had just come out to Luna, and well -- fuck.  On with the awkwardness.  Krystal opened the door, and stepped inside, immediately smiling at the sight of my face.    
  
How hard is it to hide it? How hard is it to hide the expression on my face when our eyes meet? Level over nine thousand. It is nearly impossible because her eyes sweep me.   
  
I quickly smiled back, as Luna turned over to look at my face, clearly suspecting upon what I've told her. I turn to look at Luna and smile, as well.   
  
"What are you guys up to?" Krystal asks, as she comes into Luna's bed and sits right beside me. She places two hands to my hair, messing it up hastily. Under any other situation I'd just joke right back with her, but knowing Luna was suspecting, I just acted overly awkward, which in turn just made her suspect more. But I can't even help it. I just sat there, with an awkward chuckle, as she messed up my hair. She then poked my cheek.   
"We were just going to pray, do you want to join us?" Luna asked.  
"Oh... I'm sorry I interrupted." Krystal apologized with a smile, as she continued to poke my cheek. "What's wrong with this one?" Krystal asked, referring to me, as she noticed my nervousness because she knows me.  Luna shrugged and she smiled widely, looking at the both of us.   
"I don't know -- she looks normal to me." Luna said.   
"Nope. She's nervous." Krystal ratted me out, as she then placed her hands on both my shoulders, massaging them firmly. "What's going on, dork?" Krystal continued.  
"I think -- I think, I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick." I said, quickly getting off the bed, and walking out the door. I pressed my back against the door, sliding it down as I sighed in relief. I could hear them both talking in Korean with each other, and giggling. I moved beside the door, and stroked my hair back, as Krystal walked out and saw me standing there.   
"Were you just standing here this whole time? Weirdo." she said, as she shook her head, giggling adorably with her squinting eyes. I stood there, happy to be with her alone again, in  _our_  hall way. I smiled back lightly unable to say anything still, as she stroked my bangs from across my forehead. "Luna's waiting for you to 'pray', ya' know?" she said, as she leaned in to kiss my lips softly.   
"Yeah... yeah... I know." I said, shyly.   
"What's wrong with you? You're all jumpy."  she continued to smile at me, finding it cute that I was acting like this.   
"Nothing I just -- I'm happy to see you again so soon..."   
"Yeah... I couldn't sleep again after you left... and I just wanted to see what you were up to..." she continued to stroke my front bangs across my forehead. I nodded. "I missed you."   
"I missed you, too... princess." I smiled softly this time, not so nervous. "But yeah... lemme go and pray with Luna... I promised her I would." She nodded with a smile, as she started walking back towards her dorm.   
"Text me when you're done..." she said.   
"I will. We're gonna do something fun today." I stood there, like an idiot. Love struck, as I watched her walk away. A goofy smile carved into my face, almost irremovable.  I walked back inside, and Luna just wiggled her eyebrow at me.   
"Ambah-unnie! Krybah is real!" she said. I sighed, as I face palmed myself, unable to say anything to that. She obviously didn't seem to have a problem with it -- she actually freaking loved it, and it was adorable to see so much support from my roommate, but also kind of embarrassing. She sounded like one of those fan girls from the webpages we saw on Vic's phone.   
"It's Krystal." I confessed, my face still sunk into the palm of my hands. She squealed.   
"I knew it! I knew it!" she said, as she jumped out of the bed, and started to poke my sides, tickling me. "I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!"   
"Oh my jesus! Okay! Okay! hahahaha!" I squirmed all over the place as she would not stop the tickling pokes. We fell unto my bed, as she continued. We ended up lying side to side on our backs, both breathing heavily. "Luna, you're crazy." I said.   
"Krybah..." she whispered. Well, wait. Maybe she can help me with today...  I turned my head towards her.   
"Okay, ummm... now that you know -- I kind of, I need some advice." she turned her head over to me, excited.   
"Mhhhhmmm~~" she responded. I chuckled.   
"Do you know of a quiet and private place I could take her to, like evening-ish?" She turned her head back up towards the ceiling to think.  
"Quiet... Private..." she repeated. "The park! Archasan Park is so nice!~"  
"Yeah but, doesn't that close after a certain time? Too many tourists there, too probably..."  
"No closing time... beach!"  
"The beach... of course. Luna, that's perfect..." I said to her, looking towards her. I smiled. She turned her head back to me, and smiled back.   
"Pray?" she asked excitedly.  
"Yeah... let's pray."   
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
"Hey..." Krystal said with a smirk upon opening her door. I smirked back.   
"Is Sulli there?"   
"No." she frowned slightly. "She went home for the weekend."   
"You miss her?"   
"Pshh no." she said, rolling her eyes.   
"You know you guys are like almost inseparable, don't lie." I leaned on the border of the door.   
"Look who's talking."  
"What?" I chuckled, thinking she was talking about Henry.   
"You and Luna! It's pretty obvious."  
"What? Nu-uh." I said, as she turned around back into her room to grab her purse, coming back out quickly and locking the door.   
"Don't 'nu-uh' me, you both are huge instigators and dorks."  
"Jelly?" I asked, arching a brow. She looked up at me rolling her eyes.   
"Please." she said, as she began to walk in front of me. I laughed as I followed her out the entrance of the dorms. "So, what's this big surprise you have for your princess?"   
"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?"   
"I know, that's why I want you to tell me. I don't like surprises."   
"Don't be a party pooper, loser... now just come on." I said, as I rushed ahead of her.   
"I'm hungry. Ddudungie's hungry. Feed me." she whined.   
"We'll get something to eat when we get there, come on." I said, as we reached the bus stop. We stepped inside, and sat next to each other, as I got the window seat -- just like on the airplane. It was hard to go out together... we couldn't hold hands, we couldn't lean on each other -- for fear of people suspecting. And it was funny because, we would do these things with every other member in public -- it was clearly just in our minds: the fear of being caught. Because, we knew were onto something, even though the rest of the world was oblivious. So, we try to hide it more than we should...  
I poked her cheek, as she blew it up.

"What if I pay for dinner... will you tell me?"  
"We're already going there... you'd pay for my dinner when you're about to find out in like a couple of minutes?" I looked at her, as I smiled at her impatience. She pouted, giving me puppy eyes, and nodded. "Nope. Not telling. Just wait." I said firmly, as I looked back forward towards the rest of the bus.   
"You're so mean...!" she continued to pout, as she instinctively placed her head on my shoulder. I quickly looked down over to her as soon as I felt it. I then looked back towards the bus to see if it turned any heads... Gosh. So paranoid.   
"Oooh. This is our stop!" I said, as I pulled the bus string. She grabbed a hold of the bottom of my shirt, as she followed me out of the bus.   
"The waterfront." she said, as she looked around with a smile.   
"Well, for now... let's go get something to eat." I said, as I looked around curiously. I kept trying to pinpoint that place Luna was telling me about... I squinted my eyes... Krystal looked around as she kept a grasp on the bottom of my shirt, like a little puppy. It was adorable. "There it is!" I pointed.   
"Bulgogi!!! ~~~"  she squeals excitedly.   
"Yeahp! Korean BBQ. I am boss. Perfect pick, right? Breaking the diet like a pro."I said, as she nods and pats my head.  
"Good job, servant!"   
  
It was uneventful. We sat, we ate. We barely talked, since we were so hungry. I also mentioned to her that we had to go somewhere else right after... so, we didn't want to extend the visit. We stepped back onto the waterfront, and the sun was close to setting.   
  
"I. Am. So. Full." she said.   
"Oh. my. gosh. My name is Krystal, and I like ate so much food. I'm so full." I teased her in her voice as we walked alongside the waterfront. She stared at me, deadly.   
"I don't sound like that... -_-'" 

  
  
  


"Just a little bit." I smirked at her, and looked at her from the corner of my eye.   
"No..." she said, as she tried to hold back the smirk that my eye contact was causing her. She bumped her hips into mine as we walked side by side. "So... the waterfront of  _Muchangpo_ beach, huh?"   
"Hm? Oh... yeah." I chuckled. "Beautiful isn't it?"   
"It is... but how did  _you_ know about it?" she wondered. Whenever I want to go somewhere, I usually just ask her... not this time.   
"Well... ummm I asked Luna." I kept looking around for that specific spot she told me to look for.   
"Oh yeah. Your wifey."    
"You are hella jelly. Wow." I said, as I laughed lightly.   
"Well, she is." I grabbed one of her hands, bringing it to my lips and kissing the back of it softly.   
"You're my only wifey." I said, as I continued to hold her hand, walking past the waterfront and getting close to the shore. I had her follow me closely.  
"Gawd..." she said softly, as I turned to see her holding back a smile. "Stupid boy, Josephine." she said under her breath.  
"Awwww that's low for someone who just won't stop making you smile, don't you think?" I smirked, as we finally got to the spot. It was quiet, private, and away from most of the small restaurants. So, no one was there.  It was right in front of a lifeguard tower.

[Tegan and Sara - Closer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vW8MOFm6ZQ)   
  
_"It's not just all physical -- I'm the type that won't get oh so critical -- So, let's make things physical.  
I won't treat you like you're oh so typical. I want you close! I want you! I won't treat you like you're typical."_   
  


  
She removed herself from my hand, as her eyes gazed around the area, right before she was thinking of responding to my comeback -- but she couldn't mutter a word. 

  
We both stayed in silence, as we stood in place looking across the water. The pure silence, literally. It was pure and crisp, as the waves brushed against the soft sand of the shore. The setting sun, still high enough to reflect over the water, making it sparkle softly.   
  
"It's perfect." she said, still looking focused across the water, as she then suddenly turned to look at me. "It's the perfect spot." she continued.    
"It's the perfect place." I corrected her, while looking back at her with a huge grin. She shyed away softly, folding her lips in as she began skipping towards me playfully.   
"The perfect place, huh?" she said, as she placed her chin on my shoulder, and wrapped her arms around one of mine from the side. We both looked across the water together.   
"Yeahp..." I said, as I began to walk back a bit. I grabbed the bookbag behind my back and I unzipped it. "Oh damn it. I forgot the towels..." I snapped my tongue. "You don't mind getting sand on you, do you?" I laughed softly... thinking to myself that -- we can't  _do stuff_  on the bare sand. I felt the night ruined almost instantly.   
"Well, why don't we just sit up there?" she said, pointing at the lifeguard tower. Duh. Of course. I looked at her, and looked up at the tower.   
"Sounds like a plan." I said, as we both made our way up the stairs, sitting down side by side on the wooden platform and with our backs up against the small house. She leaned her head on my shoulder again, wrapping her arms around one of my arms. The wind got louder. I leaned down to kiss her forehead, as I stuck my hand inside my pocket pulling out the same sheet of paper in which she wrote the song.   
"Oh my gosh, did you finish it?" she asked excited, removing her head from my shoulder as she quickly recognized her own paper.   
"Mhhhhm. I finished it on the back." I said, as I flipped the paper back and forth showing her the difference in handwriting. "I hope you don't mind... I kind of made it a rap -- because I wasn't sure if you had already put melody to it..."  
"I don't mind at all." she said, looking up at me smiling. "Are you going to rap it for me?"  
"Hellz yeah...! Okay, ready?"  
"So ready." she said with a giggle.   
  
 _It's just another story_  
 _I fell in love with someone who doesn't know me_  
 _Yeah, and it's all about me_  
 _How do I begin to let you know me_  
 _You've only seen me from afar_  
 _If I could meet you, I'd run the entire way to you_  
 _Haha my heart explodes just like 'bang'_  
 _If I had a chance to see you, there'd be a race right now_  
  
 _This thing called curiosity_  
 _Has been following me around from morning to night_  
 _Right now I may not be able to tell dreams from reality_  
 _But it doesn't matter_  
 _Tell me everything_  
 _I'm ready_  
 _I'm a strange person, but we can be strange together_  
 _I want to break down your walls to get to know you better_  
 _No matter how hard you try to close the door to your heart_  
 _I'll keep it open_  
 _So that we can talk a little more_  
  
 _Hey there don't be shy..._  
 _Come talk to me and look into my eyes_  
 _Don't hesitate to take my hand_  
 _Lead me away_  
 _You should know by now that I'm not like them_  
 _Look into my eyes_  
 _Just like this... just how we are now_  
 _It's not strange, no..._

_[Beautiful Stranger](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kROEGGMuyow) _   
  


"It's not strange at all..." she said, as she placed her hand on one of my cheeks, turning my face towards her.  She slowly placed her lips over mine, and I didn't fight back. At. All. The piece of paper falling down towards the wooden platform in between my legs, because I couldn't keep a grip on it.   
  
She makes me so weak.   
  
Our lips parted momentarily.  "I should -- I should put that away." I said as I panted softly, referring to the song on the paper. I chuckled nervously as she nodded, pulling away slightly. I grabbed it, and placed it back inside my pocket.   
"All done?" she asked playfully. I nodded. "That was amazing." she said.   
"The kiss or the song?" I laughed lightly.   
"Both, stupid." she lightly pushed on my shoulder, as we both chuckled. "I love you."   
"And I love you." I replied. "And I want you..."  
"I know... and this is the perfect place..." she smirked.   
"Only if you want to..."  
"I do... you know I do. I wanted it then in the dorms... but you didn't let me..."   
"Hey! I definitely wanted to have you afterwards..."  
"Yeah... no self control." she said, as she poked my nose.   
"Heh... look who's talkin'..." I teased her, referring to what she did that night... right underneath me.   
"Oh gawd...!" she blushed, as she covered her cheeks with her hands.   
"Uh huh..." I nodded with a smirk. "Princess has a dark side..." I continued to tease her. She just kept blushing, as she took her hair this time to cover her face. I laughed lightly as I scooted closer, grabbing her hands in mine, and lowering them slowly. I kissed her nose, and I smiled at her softly. "So... can I have the princess this time...?" I asked nervously and with a more serious face, but not stern. I asked her as I bit my bottom lip in... she nodded slightly.   
"Yes... you can have your princess." she said, as I leaned in, holding her chin in one of my hands and kissing her softly. Our lips touched ever so gently, as I began to position myself in front of her. My knees were pressed onto the floor, as one of my hands were pressed against the wooden platform right to the side of her, behind her. I sat down onto the back of my feet, as I brought my other hand up to underneath one of her cheeks, as the kiss began to intensify. She sat upwards, her back leaning up from the house, as she leaned into the kiss more. She placed her hands on my sides, as I began to slide my tongue past her lips. I removed my hands from her face, and grabbed her hands that were holding onto my sides... I brought them both upwards slowly; suddenly and quickly placing them against the wall of the small house behind us. I slid them up, as I began to slide us both upwards, beginning to stand. We paused for a second parting from the kiss, as we both looked into each other's eyes, panting. She bit her bottom lip... soon after leaning back in to bite _my_ bottom lip, pulling it tenderly. She saw me freeze for a second...   
"What's wrong...?" she asked. I shook my head slightly, blinking a couple of times.   
"I'm nervous. I don't want to ruin this for you..."  
"You can't possibly ruin anything..." she said, as I nodded slightly. I slid my hands underneath her shirt... she began breathing heavily as our eyes were still locked on each other... I slipped my hands underneath the cups of her bra... cupping both of her breasts in the palm of my hands... she gasped, as I went in for another kiss, catching her air into my mouth.   
  
I kissed her desperately, but slowly as I took her nipples in between each forefinger and thumb, rubbing them slowly. I could feel her moan ever so softly into my mouth, as she placed her now free hands onto my hips. I slipped my lips off from hers, and traced them down to her neck, raining kisses all the way down to her collar bone...  she placed her hands from my hips to the side of my head, bringing it back up to her face. She was panting... as she sunk her lips onto my neck, as well. She bit me, she sucked, and she pecked the skin of my neck over and over again sending chills all throughout my body. I felt her heat and her urgency... I slipped my hands from her nipples to her back, unclasping her bra and slipping it off, throwing it on top of my bookbag. I made sure to trace my fingertips over every inch of her back... and back towards the front, grabbing her breasts into my hands once again. I began sliding my fingers down to her tummy... feeling her perfect abs, as she traced her lips to the other side of my neck, eating it up just the same. I couldn't help but moan softly, as I felt her smirk unto my skin.   
She was so naughty... when she started getting turned on.   
I wanted to regain control again, as I grabbed her hands, placing them against the wall again...  
"Down, girl..." I said teasingly to her, as I spoke over her lips. She bit my upper lip this time, as I smirked. I slid my hands down from the palm of her hands, slowly down her arms, unto her hips, and to the center of her pants. I was beginning to unbuckle her pants slowly, as I teased my lips with hers. She was so mesmerized that her hands were still left upon the wall. "Dizzy...?" I asked. She nodded softly, biting her own bottom lip. I unzipped her pants just to give me enough space to get a hand inside... I was nervous as I sunk my face into her neck. I slid a finger down from the center of her bikini line, all the way to where I knew her clit would be, still over her underwear. She flinched softly as she felt my middle finger graze over her clit... something she'd probably never felt before: another finger that wasn't hers, touching her there.   
I continued to slide it further down, as I felt the wetness over her panties... drenched. "Wow..." I whispered, as I bit her neck softly. Her chin was rested on my shoulder, her lips right next to my ear, and I could hear her panting uncontrollably... but low.   
"Gawd... I want you..." she muttered.   
"Badly...?" I asked her, as I continued to rub my middle finger over her underwear, back and forth from her clit to where I could feel it drenched... slowly.   
"Badly..." she answered, as she let her hands wrap theirselves around my back inside of my shirt. I was pressed against her, I could feel her hard nipples graze over my own... even with my bra still on.   
I slid her underwear to the side that was blocking her entrance... and I slipped my middle finger past her wetness and upwards towards her clit... equally as hard, if not more, as her nipples... she moans softly into my ear again.   
"Your moaning turns me on so much..." I said to her into her neck. "Just makes me want to... make you moan all night long..."   
"We can't stay here all night long, though..." she teased me, in between pants. I chuckled, as I kissed her neck...  
"I know... sadly..." I responded, as I began to move my finger over her clit in circles, slowly... and then faster. She lifted one of her legs and wrapped it around my waist... as she began to moan into my ear even louder. I began to press my middle finger over her clit harder... rubbing slower but with more precision upon finding her spot...   
"F-fuck...!" she moaned softly into my ear... as she reached climax, feeling her leg tremble around my waist... her body was so tense, until I felt her almost let loose her entire weight onto me...   
"Wow... you're loud..." I teased her, as I lifted my face from her neck, trying to face her.   
"Oh my gawd..." she avoided looking at me, as she tried to hide her face into my neck. I chuckled... as I still softly caressed her clit... feeling her slightly jump whenever I touched it too directly... "No... don't..." she said in between panting giggles.   
"But it's fun..." I teased her.  
"It's so sensitive..." she said, almost in a whisper...  
"Mhhm... it's what happens when I touch it."   
"You. are. so. cocky." she bit my neck.   
"You know you love it, though." I rained kisses over her shoulder, as I slid my finger lower, and around her entrance -- the atmosphere suddenly got a tad bit serious again... "You want this... right?" I asked her again.  
"I do..." she said.   
"Just let me know if I'm hurting you... okay...?"   
"Mhhhm..." I slid my middle finger inside of her slowly... she was tight, though not as much as I expected her to be... but her walls quickly gripped around my finger. She let out a soft moan, but it was less pleasure sounding as the ones before... she slid her hands from around my back and up to my shoulders, applying pressure on both.   
  
 _When the sun is setting down on Muchangpo Beach, when the tide begins to reach the highest places, when the wind begins to blow the loudest, when you're holding her the closest... you begin to wonder that you must have done something so right in your life to deserve this._  
  
"Am I hurting you...?" I asked, softly breathing into her ear. I had her pressed against the wall of a lifeguard tower. Her hands gripping both of my shoulders tightly, as her cheek pressed against my ear.   
"Ungh... no... it's just -- it doesn't hurt. It's just a little -- ungh! -- uncomfortable."  
I chuckled softly, as I continued to kiss and suck on her earlobe, down the trail of her neck, and back to her earlobe again. "... and you're actually... not as tight..." I replied.  She giggled softly, as she kept holding back her moans. She bit my neck gently, panting softly.  
"I use tampons... every month..." she explained.   
"Super size?"   
 She giggled even more..."Shut up... stupid -- ungh...!"  she sunk her nails into my shoulders...   
"Just tell me when you want me to stop..."   
"Mhhm..."   
  
I slid a second finger in... slowly.   
"Ow...!" she said, as she felt the stretch making a bigger difference. I quickly slipped the second finger out realizing it hurt her.   
"I'm sorry...!" I said quickly. "Shit... sorry...!"   
"No... no... it's okay... put it back... put it back in... fuck -- fuck me..." she muttered, panting...out of breath. I was appalled at her words, shocked... 'fuck me' she said... I definitely want to... and I definitely will,  _especially_  upon request.  I slid the second finger back in, as she moaned loudly into my ear, the tides reaching the bottom of the lifeguard tower... the waves breaking onto the stairs. I slipped both fingers inside of her deeply... as I pressed my thumb against her clit again, after giving it sometime to recuperate. I began to rub my thumb in circles around her clit, as I pressed my two fingers in and up inside of her, pressing against her g-spot...   
"Unghhh -- gawd yes..." she moaned into my ear louder...   
"You love... having me... inside of you...?" I asked her, as both our heads lifted to face each other -- her head tilting back against the wall every now and then... she brought her eyes back to mine.   
"Gawd... yes... yes...!" she moaned in response, as she leaned in to kiss me -- her lips cold, dry again from panting -- just like last time... I took my time to suck on them softly, right before fully kissing her with ever more passion than before, as I continued to feel the grip of her walls around my fingers. I took my other hand, and stroked her hair back -- the hair that kept getting into her face from tilting her head back and forth... the wind was strong, and cool... but I could see her sweating as strands of hair stuck to her forehead, to the sides of her face... and again -- I felt her clit contract over my thumb, hiding away, as her legs trembled. Her body pressed itself upwards against mine... her back arching, and her head tilted back against the wall... she moaned so loudly -- so fucking loud that I was afraid all of Seoul could hear.  
  
I sunk my lips into the center of her neck as her head was tilted back, and I kissed it passionately... every inch... every spot. I wanted more of her. I felt her as liquid in my arms that had just spilled all over me, and I wanted to catch every drop of her unto my tongue. I slipped my fingers out and up towards my lips... I made sure she tilted her head forward towards me again, as I sucked on my two fingers slowly, cleaning every inch of her off of them, and unto my tongue. I wanted her to see... I wanted her to watch me enjoy the way she tasted. She leaned in, raising her hands from my shoulders and to the back of my hair, sinking her fingers into it, as she kissed me... weak. Her body was so weak, but her kiss was thirsting.   
   
"Can we... like... do this _all_ the time?" she asked, as she laughed lightly after breaking the kiss. I laughed back with her.   
"I'm only one person, ya' know? Geez..." I kissed her chin softly, back to her lips, her nose, and her lips again.   
"Can I multiply you, then?"   
"Sure... I don't see why not..." I kissed her lips again.   
"Okay... I'll get the cloning lab ready..." she said softly, in between our kisses.   
"Sounds like a plan..." I kissed half of her lip, and her full lips again.   
"I love you... so much..."  
"I love you so much more... I promise..." I said, as she shook her head softly. We slowly started to sink back into sitting position... I sat to the side of her, as I picked up her bra and held it in front of her.  
"Aww... thank you!" she giggled shyly, and as she was about to take it back, I pulled it back towards me.   
"Actually... I should keep this." I said, looking at it momentarily as I began to place it into my bookbag.   
"What? Why?" she laughed.   
"My souvenir for popping your cherry." I said with a huge grin.   
"Oh my god! You are so immature!" she said, laughing as she reached over towards my bookbag trying to take it away from me.   
"Hey! Mean!" I pulled the bag away from her, as I began to tickle her.   
"Oh gawd! Okay! Okay! Stop! Stop!" she said, as she laughed loudly and uncontrollably.   
"Rude..." I said, as I stopped tickling her, and wrapped my arms around my bookbag, holding it close to my chest.  She looked at me, judging me so hard, but then leaned in to kiss my cheek. I looked at her from the corner of my eye, giving her a huge grin. "I can haz?"  
"Sure..." she said, rolling her eyes and giggling. I leaned in to kiss her cheek, as she then leaned her head back into my shoulder, and wrapped one of her arms around my leg. "It's dark..."  
"Yeah... did you want to leave on time to catch the bus back?" I asked, as she shook her head.   
"Hmm... not really... I want to stay a little longer here... with you..."  
"Me too..." I smiled, as we both began to look back out onto the water. "We'll have to race the tide to get down from the tower... we'll  have to get down while the water is pulled back." we both laughed at the thought, as we kept seeing the waves crash against the stairs everytime the tide came up.   
"I know, right?"  
"I'll just call us a cab." I said, going back to the transportation topic.   
"Good... 'cause I still don't want to go back... to hiding from everyone..."  
"Yeah... I don't want to go back to hiding either..."   
  


 _To be continued..._  
  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Hey guys! Sorry for the huge delay. I blame: LIFE.   
  
I switched jobs. Quit the one I got the promo in, found another one within a week. It was this huge issue that happened. Can't get into details, but it was crazy. It was a crazy month. So many highs, so many lows, so not enough space to get inspired. And I don't want to write just anything for you all, I want to make it right.   
  
That being said, I know I've promised the 'shower scene' many times now. Hahaha! I've had the whole scene written out for months now, but I just can't find a place to put it into. This chapter got a little long already with the beach scene, so I thought -- ehhhhhh why not make them wait a little longer? Right? Am I horrible or am I horrible? :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD  
  
Love you. Please don't hate me! :3 *Runs and hides*  
  
  
~ KRYBER IS LOVE ~


	13. Hidden - Part 1

_Hidden_

  
  


Looking out into the distance, all that could be seen: Blackout -- a beautiful and deep blackout, dressed up in the sounds of the ocean, which caressed the moist and white sand beneath us. It was starting to get cloudy -- too cloudy to see the moon and the stars that would sparkle the water below, but if you looked hard... just hard enough... you could see something else sparkling, something else shinning...

  
It was her...  
  
She shinned the night, the water below... my life... and everything in between. The sad part is that she barely had a clue. I had to let her know somehow -- let her know how she was somehow...  
  
My clean slate.   
  
["Here In Your Arms" - Acoustic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4VA7llbTZU)  
  
I smiled down at her, as she rested her head onto my shoulder. Her eyes were shut, and her breathing was steady, as I felt her hand caress my leg where she had placed it.  
  
"You're smiling..." she said.  
"Oh yeah? You're psychic now? Or do you have eyes on top of your head?"  
"No..."  she chuckled at my response. "I can just feel it from the movement under your chin..." she explained, as she turned around to look up at me, smiling. She kissed my chin tenderly, as my smile grew wider.  "See...?" she said softly over my chin, as she continued to rain small kisses over it. I bit my bottom lip, trying to hold in my smiles -- blushing like crazy.  
"Uh huh..." I said, flustered at the idea that someone could feel my smile just from the movements on my face. I lowered my face to have my lips meet hers, and pecked her on the lips tenderly. "Stop it..." I whispered right after, still trying to hold back my smiles.  
"Stop what?" she smirked right before giggling adorably.  
"You know what... making me all blushy and stuff..." I said, as I shifted my gaze to the side. I was never used to being _'the girl...'_ and Krystal was the only one able to bring that side out of me... somehow...  
"But, you're so adorable when you blush." she continued to tease me. I took both hands and gently placed them on her sides.  
"Do you feel that? Don't make me use it against you." I jokingly warned her, as I continued to blush slightly with my eyes still shifted to the side.  
"Tickling me still won't stop you from being adorable... and blushing... and..."  I tickled her suddenly. "... oh god! Hahaha! Okay! Okay! You win! Mercy!"   
"What I thought..." I said, composing myself. "And you better not tell _anyone_ about this."  I joked, as she laughed at my reaction.  
"As if I could..." she said, as her laughter turned into a sad scoff... probably at the idea that -- surely, we really _can't_ tell anyone. We couldn't tell anyone about how she made me blush. We couldn't be out in the open with her head rested on my shoulder as we ride a bus, without me feeling a sense of panic... we can't do anything except hide... Again that sizzling thought of returning back to a place where all we could do is hide... Hide from Luna, hide from Victoria, hide from Jang, hide from -- Sulli?  
  
"Hey! Didn't you say Sulli left for the weekend?" I asked, as it suddenly came back to mind what she said right before we came out tonight. Sulli. is. not. in. the. dorm. Maybe we don't have to go back and hide after all... even if just for a little while -- the thought lit up my face. She turned around to face the ocean, as she blankly stared into it for a while...  
"Wait... oh my god... you're right!" she said excitedly as she turned back towards me suddenly, brightly smiling. We both stared at each other for short seconds that seemed longer than that, as a blissful smile remained over our faces, a relieved smile... an exciting smile filled with the anticipation of sleeping together tonight... alone -- and the night after.  I reached out my hand to caress the side of her face gently, brushing my thumb over her cheek bone. She bit her bottom lip, as she squinted her eyes at me, leaning her face further into the palm of my hand.  
She suddenly opened her eyes and grabbed onto my hand with both of her hands.  
"Last one down is a lame llama!" she said quickly, as she pulled me forward from my hand, making me tumble onto the floor. She grabbed her stuff, and started making her way down the stairs.  
"Hey! What the...  that's my line! Damn it! Princess! You little cheater!" I scattered over the floor to get up, as I quickly grabbed my bookbag, rushing after her. She had made a halt at the edge of the stairs seeing the water as it crashed into it -- It was so dark, and I was going down the stairs so fast, that I didn't get a chance to stop in time... I bumped into her, pushing us both into the water. We felt the tide scatter back into the ocean, but not in time enough to not get us soaking wet...  
"Oops..." I said, as I chuckled nervously. "Both lame llamas! Woo!" I said, as I lifted both hands into the air, cheering. She looked at me with a soft smile as she shook her head. She sprinkled water from one of her hands at my face, making me flinch slightly.   
"Yeah, two lame llamas that might have wet phones." she said, as she searched through her purse to make sure her phone didn't get wet.  
"Ah... that _would_ be a problem, huh?" I said, smirking nervously and trying to get up. My butt was printed with wet sand, as I tried to shake it off with both hands. I clapped my hands together cleaning off the sand, and then reached out a hand to help Krystal get up.  
"Oh god... it's dry." she sighed in relief, chuckling right after as she looked up at me extending my hand. "Did you check your phone?" she asked, as she placed her purse strap on her shoulder and extended both hands to wrap around mine, as I pulled her up slowly.  
"Nah, I had to check on my princess first."  I said with a smirk, trying to sound smooth.  
"You mean... on your butt first?" she  said, teasing me with a giggle.  
"Well... yeah, that too..."  I laughed nervously, as I reached into my bookbag to find my phone.  "Totally fine... just like I thought it would be." I smiled proudly, as I suddenly felt her warm lips press against my cheek. My eyes widened, as she froze all of my thoughts. I turned around to see her face right there -- right in front of mine, her wet bangs caressing her eyebrows gently, her squinting eyes that fell right above her smiling cheekbones... I chuckled softly, as I placed a hand over her head gently. I leaned in to press my forehead onto hers. "Let's go home, princess."  
  
So much for racing the tide -- we ended up giving the taxi driver an extra tip for wetting the seats. Gah! That sounds so wrong, but you know what I mean...! Shortly after arriving back at the dorms, we made our way back into Krystal's room. She slowly turned the knob on her door, pushing open the door only to find an empty -- completely empty room. I was walking in right behind her, as she hung her purse on the chair of her desk. I placed my bookbag on the floor, as she then threw me a towel.  
"We should go get washed up." she said, as she took out a towel for herself, too. She was starting to gather her shampoo, body wash and stuff to head over to the stalls.  
"I should probably go let Luna know that we're back, though -- and that I'm going to sleep here...?" I said, tentatively, as I pointed over to the door, but still looking down at Krystal as she finished gathering her things.  
"Hmmm, you sound a little awkward about it." she giggled, feeling my own embarrassment -- taking a moment to look up at me.  
"Well... it's just that I don't really know how to say it without her not teasing me -- It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable when she teases me." I shrugged with a nervous laugh. "These things just make me uncomfortable... when I have to present it to other people...?"  I tried explaining. She stood up after having gathered most of her toiletries.  
"I'll tell her, don't worry." she said, as she handed me her toiletries. "Meet me in the stalls?"  
"Mhhm..."  I nodded softly. Her assertiveness was pretty god damn sexy, I gotta say -- how she just takes control of things -- she's not so much the shy Krystal that everyone thinks she is -- and I'm not so much the big shot everyone thinks I am -- at least not when it comes to girls I'm madly in love with... She walked out the door, as I took a deep breath in and out. I walked right after her, as I saw her walk down the halls towards my room. I turned to look into the opposite direction, towards the bathroom, and back in her direction -- I noticed how quiet the hallways were. Seems like a lot of people took off this weekend.  
  
I walked into the bathroom, past the sinks -- not before noticing how incredibly messy my hair looked from that drench we got back at the beach -- the mirrors behind the sinks reflecting me, as I then made a silly face at myself, and laughed. ["Meh, still sexy."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk21V5pltRQ)  
  
I walked past the wall and into the shower stalls, placing the toiletries in a corner outside of the shower -- only grabbing the soap with me into the stall.  The clothes were hard to take off. Being wet made them stick to my skin, but finally I managed to get them all off, hanging them on the outside pole near my curtain. [I cut the water](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZRjHSPaTL8), and stood back waiting until it warmed up. I picked up the soap, and I was about to get under the water...  
   
"Hey!!" ^-^  
"Whoa...!" ._______.  I said in response, as Krystal quickly jumped into the shower stall -- MY shower stall -- startling me. My eyes fixated on hers, avoiding looking down. "Wha -- what are you... doing here?" I asked nervously.  
"What else do people do in showers? Silly..."

A list of possible shower activities invaded my mind, as she asked that question with a hint of naughtiness.  
"They... shower?" I responded with a nervous light laugh. She smiled at me, tilting her head to the side, like _duh_...  "So, you just jump into your girlfriend's shower stall, when there's a perfectly empty shower stall right next to us... just to shower?" I asked, following her naughty train of thought -- nervousness still stuck in my voice. I tried to shake it off, but knowing she was completely nude in front of me, and that she was looking at _me_ _completely_ _nude_ , as well... it was hard to...  
She nodded, still with a smirky smile, as she got a bit closer towards me.  
"What if it was someone else in the shower...?" I asked, smirking as I imagined the scene in my head.   
She chuckled, as she pictured the scene in her mind as well, laughing at herself on how embarrassing that could be.  
"I wouldn't have jumped in, if I hadn't noticed your teddy bear briefs hanging right outside your stall..." she said in a smart ass tone, raising her eyebrow, holding a smirk.  
"Oh..." I said, realizing -- like, of course. Duh. -- "Yeah... I guess.. that  _would_ give me away..." I finished, as I chuckled nervously and lightly at myself, at how uneasy she made me... in a good way. She continued to get closer... and closer, as I squeezed the bar of soap in my hands that I held in front of me, to the point of almost breaking it in two. She placed one of her hands over one of my wrists, tracing her fingers all the way to in between my palms... and slipping the soap right out of my hands, slowly.  
"Mind if I use your soap?" she asked.  
My jaw dropped slightly as I shook my head slowly  "No... not at all. Knock yourself out."  I said nervously.  
She smiled with a squint of her eyes, thanking me silently.  She turned around to give me her back... as I started to imagine... her, rubbing the soap all over her body -- and without even noticing my eyes slipped down towards her hips... I froze.  
"Completing your dream of bathing in a Japanese public bath?" I asked, trying to make conversation.  
"Ummm, I guess... sort of... still wish there was more people." she responded.  
"I don't..." I said suddenly. I thought I had said that in my head, but somehow it came out aloud... it sounded smoother and cooler in my head, but when I said it out loud, I noticed the awkwardness and nervousness still hadn't left my voice. She turned her head slightly to look at me over her shoulder, smirking at me mischievously, as if saying 'oh? did you just flirt with me?' I attempted to... at least. Obviously, not very good at it...  
"Really now?" she responded seductively... I gulped, as her body then turned completely towards me again, drenched in soap... and my eyes saw her... _all of her_... up and down this time. I couldn't contain it any longer. " _I don't_ , as in... you just want it to be you and I?" she asked, as she got even closer towards me again.  
  
["Ride" - Somo](https://youtu.be/SUGUvBfnvUM)  
  
"Uh-heh..."  I sighed and chuckled nervously, as I felt her body heat approaching mine... "Are you seducing me?" I asked  
"Maybe... what if I am...?"  
"I just... I don't think it's a good idea... ddudungie..." I said, in the sweetest way possible, because I really, really -- gawd... want her so bad, but...  
"And why's that...?" she asked, still giving me a seductive smirk, as one of her fingers began to trace down my jaw line... I gulped, as she lowered her gaze to check me out -- she was _checking_ me out, fully...    
"Well... 'cause... there's so much echo in the bathroom... and you're... you're so loud..." I said in a faint sigh... just imagining it left me breathless.  
"You should keep me quiet then..." she said suddenly, as she lifted her gaze from my body, locking her eyes with mine...  
  
That's when I lost it...  
  
I rushed to her side, as all of the air in between us both wrapped itself away -- leaving no gaps in between both skins -- pressing my lips against hers, our gasps dying into a passionate, slow motion kiss as I felt the soap slip from in between her fingers and onto the floor in a loud slam. My hands stuck onto her hips, my breasts pressed against hers, heartbeat against heartbeat... At that moment, I bit my bottom lip as I slowly smirked --  suddenly still feeling a little hesitant at the fact that we were both naked... but I approached her, nonetheless. My hands sliding around her waist, up her back and up her neck -- my fingers tangling into her wet long hair... our front teeth slightly touching, being unable to contain our smiles. I had her back pressed against the wall opposite of the shower head. I could feel the water slightly sprinkling over my back -- hot stings, as the shower slowly began to steam up. She placed her hands over my waist, feeling parts of my bare skin that she had never felt before. I wasn't that girl dressed in tomboy clothes anymore... I was a woman in flesh and blood right before her eyes, right underneath the palm of her hands -- melting at her mere touch... and it felt _amazing_. The amount of vulnerability that I was feeling was unparallel -- nothing like I've felt before -- her smile faded into this deep sigh of relief the moment I placed my knee right in between her legs, and pushed up...  
"Oh I'll keep you quiet... you definitely don't gotta worry 'bout that." I teased her, her eyelashes fluttering as she could barely keep her eyes open. She bit my bottom lip, as I continued to massage my knee in between her legs in slow motion circles. She slipped her hands from my waist, down to my butt... slowly, and grabbed both cheeks in both of her palms -- just shamelessly, and squeezed them lightly.  
"Gawd... you feel so good... exactly how I imagined you'd feel..." she muttered in between a deep sigh. Her comment sent an uncontrollable stream of electricity throughout my body -- to feel her touching me the way she's touching me, to hear her enjoy it the way she's enjoying it... it's just -- unimaginable. I pressed my lips down her chin, all the way down to the center of her neck, as her head tilted back completely inviting me in. I sucked on the center of her neck, as my hands slid down from in between her wet and tangled hair -- onto her shoulders, slowly tracing down her arms to have my hands meet hers, that were still pressed against my butt.  
"And you tasted so good... imagining if I could taste some more...?" I can't believe I just said that. Okay Amber, you got this...! You're the pimp. You're the smooth talker here, and you're doing great -- I think? I grabbed her hands in mine, placing them above her head. I really enjoyed being in control, and I think she really enjoyed me controlling her, too... No complaints yet. I locked my eyes with hers, waiting for a response.  
"I seduced you, didn't I? What do you think?" she responded, raising one eyebrow, reaching out with her perfect lips to peck my nose. I released a nervous chuckle.  
"You did... didn't you...?" I smiled softly, as I leaned in again to meet my lips with hers, as I began sliding my hands all the way from her hands, down her arms  --  making sure that my fingertips barely grazed over her wet and soap-smoothed skin. Taking my time to feel every single drop of water, every single bubble of soap. Our tongues began to slowly interlock, as my fingers continued to dance down over to her shoulders -- one hand on each shoulder, now slowly making their way down to her breasts -- both fitting perfectly in my hands as I felt her nipples harden against the center of my palms. I continued to make my way down her tummy, meeting the fingers of both my hands at the center of her belly button. "You're so bad..." I whispered over her lips, as the tip of my fingers made their way down to each thigh... they were still spread as I continued to motion my knee in steady circles right in between them. Her body felt like a canvas -- broadly open before my eyes, unpainted, and immersed with a trillion possibilities... my fingers: the brushes --  and I could feel my imagination wanting to go wild.  She slowly shook her head in response, as she could barely speak...  
"Don't move..." I said, as I bent down in front of her pelvic area, spreading her thighs even more. I looked up at her, and she looked down at me, as she bit her bottom lip. A hint of shyness was escaping her beautiful face -- she nodded giving me approval... Finally, I get to taste her again... fully this time.  I sink my lips into her folded outer lips, taking a deep breath in -- her scent making me bite my upper lip, and making my mouth water. I was right here -- here in front of her beautiful and perfect flower, about to make it mine again. I traced my finger tips from her thighs, all the way into her outer lips. I spread them slowly, revealing what was now mine... I felt her shiver over me, as she placed one leg over my shoulder trying to keep balance. I poked the tip of her clit with the tip of my tongue, ever so gently.  
"Please..." she begged under her breath.  
She was aching with anticipation, as I took my sweet time, poking it one more time. She dropped her hands down, sinking her fingers into my hair, pulling on it gently as a punishment for making her wait, for teasing her -- which just made me want to tease her even more. I softly blew air over her clit, as I began to trail kisses all the way down to her entrance, and back up to her clit. "Amber, please..."  she whispered louder.  
I chuckled in between her lips, as I finally took her clit into my mouth, sucking on it tenderly. A loud sigh of relief escaped her, as her grip on my hair loosened.  I could feel her hips rock against my tongue, as I pressed up against her clit, moving it up and down slowly -- and sometimes all the way down to her entrance, savoring her wetness, her taste, her scent -- all way too perfect to be real. I could feel her breathing deepen -- the air that was running in and out through her -- it was making her body rumble over me. The water still running -- running and still so hot, as it sprinkled all over my hair... water drops dripping from my bangs and onto my face -- slowly rolling all the way down to my lips, and onto her clit. As I moved my lips away slowly to catch my breath, I licked my bottom lip only to feel her wetness slip right onto my tongue -- like a sweet nectar. I leveled with her waist, kissing her right above her belly button, as I brought one of my hands to in between her legs, and slipped two fingers inside of her -- I looked up only to see her harshly biting her bottom lip, her back arching... I quickly brought my face to level with hers, as I wrapped my free hand behind her back and kissed her suddenly and passionately -- her moans vibrating all the way down my throat. I pulled my lips away slowly...  
"Don't bite your lip like that... I told you I'd keep you quiet, right?" I teased her, as I pushed my fingers in deeper... and out again... in again... slowly -- and then picking up the pace -- I rushed my lips towards hers again, in time to catch her moans once more.  
  
The bathroom door squeaked open -- footsteps echoing throughout the bathroom entrance. My eyes widened, as Krystal's tongue was still intertwined with mine, and my fingers were still deep inside of her... I turned us both around, pressing my back against the wall instead, trying to get some leverage to pick her up. I then quickly slammed her against the opposite wall right underneath the shower head with two of my fingers still deep inside of her. I lifted her up with my other hand, wrapping her legs around my waist -- trying to avoid _anyone_ from seeing two set of feet underneath the stall... I slowly tried to slide my fingers out... as Krystal's head tilted back, the water beginning to slam against her face, silencing her soft moans...   
  
To be continued...   
  
  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
\- First off, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! So sorry that it took me so long to update. My job has done a good job at keeping me pretty busy and tired by the time I get home. Also, I had to leave the country for a while to visit my dad. He's really old, and in his death bed... so that's been pretty tough, as well.   
  
\- I know you guys won't hate me because... my comeback is THE SHOWER SCENE -- what you have all been waiting for so desperately. Also... **CLIFFHANGER** \--Because, this chapter keeps going, but I at least wanted to publish some of it, while I work on the rest. =) It's going to generally be a very happy chapter, but you guys all know that when something starts feeling way too good... =P You know... *COUGH* Anyway >_>   
  
\- I am back steady now, so I will try to **update this twice or once a month like I used to**. =)   
  
\- I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Please **SUB ME - COMMENT - SHARE**  
  


  
~ Kryber is Love ~   
  
  



	14. Hidden - Part 2

_Hidden_

  
  
  


My fingers sunk into the skin of her back, as my now free hand reached for the shower knob to lower the water pressure. "Sorry..."  I whispered, as softer drops of water still fell onto her face. I brought that same hand underneath her thigh, together with my other hand. She smirked slowly, as she brought her head forward again -- her eyes looking down at me. She wrapped her hands around the top of my head. It was getting harder and harder to keep her up -- my fingers slipping from under her thighs -- though the wall was helping quite a lot. I sunk my forehead in between her breasts, and waited...  
  
"Oh wait... shit..." I said under my breath, as I lifted my head and looked towards the direction of the shower curtain -- our clothes are still out there...  
  
The footsteps came into the shower stalls. I gulped, as Krystal simply held in her nervous giggles -- I could feel her chin fall onto my head, and I could feel it shaking. Everything was a playground to her... she was fearless about getting in trouble.  
  
"Ambah?" said the voice, as it opened the curtain of the shower stall right next to ours.  
"Luna! Hey! You're in the shower!" I said, hoping that the excitement that I forced into my voice could bury down my nervousness.  
"Yah! Oh hey! You too! Did you guys have fun!? Krystal told me you took her to... the spot!" she replied, equally excited. I could hear her setting things up in her stall, as she was getting ready to shower.  
"Yup, and yup! The spot you told me was perfect. Oh, and yeah...I just got in the shower! Umm... Krystal told you everything? How'd ya' know it was me, though?" I bit my bottom lip harshly, as I felt Krystal starting to slip from under my grip. My taekwondo training was good, but my strength was never tested under slippery soapy conditions.  
"Mhhm, but not everything! And see? I told you! Perfect quiet spot! Oh and, I just remember when you woke up with boxers that morning, and I --"   
"Oh yeah! And I told you they were comfy... of course... how could I forget...?" I said, through my teeth. Well, they're briefs, but... I guess Krystal's not the only one who's seen my boxers now. She giggled, as she stepped into the shower.  
"So, Krystal told me that you were going to sleep over her dorm?" she asked.  
"Yup!"   
"Did she just leave the shower or...?"  
"Umm... yeah. She _just_ left. You must have missed her on your way here." I tried to think quickly... Not very good at this whole lying thing.  
"Oh, it's because I saw her clothes still next to yours. I thought maybe she was going to come shower, so I don't want to take her turn."  
"Oh no! No, no!" how perfectly naive she is. "She decided she wanted to change in the room, you know, since Sulli isn't there. I told her I'd take her clothes when I was done." I felt my fingers press onto the skin of the bottom of her thighs -- her skin slipping slowly towards the tip of my fingers... Luna turned on her shower.  
"Yeah! I hate getting dressed in here! I get to get dressed in the dorm tonight, too!" she giggled, referencing that I wasn't going to be sleeping there tonight.    
Now that Luna was in her stall, she could only see our feet if we got close towards her wall.  
"Now..." I whispered, as I looked up at Krystal. She had a huge grin on her face, as she kissed my forehead tenderly. I slowly let her go, as her back slipped down the wall. I had one hand on each side of her body, pressed against the wall.  I used one of my hands to turn the shower knob to get a bit more pressure on the water, so she could wash off the rest of the soap that was still on all over her body. I had a worrisome look on my face -- nervous from Luna being in the stall right next to us -- as I tried to avoid eye contact with Krystal, just kind of trying to rush her out. She folded in her lips trying to hold in her chuckle, and she then placed both of her hands on the side of my face, lifting my gaze to meet hers. Her hidden smile summoned one from me, as well... a soft and shy smile. I took a deep breath in and out, and shook my head slowly. I couldn't believe this all just happened. She kept a hold on my face, as she brought it close to hers, kissing my bottom lip tenderly. She then bent down to go under one of my arms that was blocking her exit, and she swiftly and carefully made her way through the curtain, and out of the bathroom. "Just like a ninja..." I chuckled as I said to myself under my breath.     
  
"You are very, _very_ bad." I said, as I walked through the door, seeing Krystal lying on her back and on her bed. She was wearing nothing but these petite, black and lace briefs with a loose black tank top -- browsing the web on her phone. Her knees were both in the air with her feet flat on the bed, as she lifted herself up by her elbows to look up at me. She laughed, as I smirked at her, feeling kind of ashamed of what happened back in the shower, while she just found it hilarious.  
"Oh come on, Servant... very bad? Really?”  
“Yes, very bad.”  I said, as I walked closer towards the bed.  
“Darth Vader is very bad, Michael Myers is very bad, Patrick Bateman is very bad – I’m just fun.” She said, with a mischievous giggle, as she placed her phone underneath her pillow.  I shook my head at her slowly, as I began to get into bed, crawling on top of her.  
She followed my eyes, as I positioned myself over her, smirking at me lightly as she still held her upper body upwards slightly with her elbows. “And we had tons of fun, right?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.  
“Tons of fun.” I replied with a soft smile, looking down at her, as I had my hands on each side of her face pressed onto the bed -- one leg on each side of her sides, knees pressed onto the bed. "And then if Luna knew we were both in the shower together... then it would have gone from fun to embarrassing." I finished.    
"Yeeees... but she _didn't_ find out." she said, as she let her elbows rest, lowering her upper body onto the bed completely, and poking both of my cheeks, one finger on each side.  
"But she _could_ have..." I continued. "Or anyone else..."  
"Hey... I'm not the one who made the first move here." she pulled both of my cheeks softly.  
"You...! You seduced me! You _kinda_ made the first move." I chuckled at her messing with my face. I sat up on top of her, grabbing her hands from my cheeks, I brought them both to my lips and kissed them tenderly. She watched me attentively, as she just smiled. "You just didn't have enough of me from the beach, did ya'?"  I teased her with a naughty smirk. She folded in her lips and squinted her eyes, as she shook her head adorably.  
"Does that exist? Enough of Amber?" I loved the way we eternally teased each other... to no end -- to no end at all.  
"Guess not." I responded, with a cocky smug on my face as I shrugged. I lowered myself towards her again -- her hands still in mine, lowering them down slowly against the bed -- hands on each side of her face once more, as I pressed my lips over hers tenderly. "I love you, Princess Jung..." I whispered over her lips.  
"And I love you, Servant Liu..." both our smiles touching lightly.  
"Hey... are we going to put music to the song?" I asked.  
"Beautiful Stranger? I already did, stupid." she said in a giggle. "I wrote it with music from the start... I knew you'd write a rap for it, so it didn't really matter."  
"You did music for it? With what?"   
"My keyboard." she responded, as she pecked my nose lightly. I sat back up on top of her, as I felt her wiggle below me, trying to get up. I rolled over to her side on the bed.  
"Keyboard?" I asked, confused.  
"Mhhm." she nodded softly, as she sat up and bent herself to look for something beneath her bed -- pulling  out a small electric piano from underneath it.  
"Oh wow..." I said in a soft laugh. "And you were giving _me_ crap for not telling you that I played guitar."  I teased her.  
"Well, my piano skills are not nearly as good as your guitar skills... I didn't think it was worth... mentioning..." she said, getting slightly shy and defensive, as she turned it on and placed it on her lap. I scooted over behind her, and turned my face into hers to kiss her cheek tenderly -- then placing my chin on her shoulder, waiting to hear her play.  
"What else don't I know about you, your royal princess-ish?" I said, in a sensual voice.  
"Hmm... I don't know. Maybe if you stick around long enough, you'll find out." she said back to me, in a much more provocative voice, all the while she did not remove her sight from the keyboard -- beginning to position her fingers. She began to hum the melody, which I'm guessing is from the song "Beautiful Stranger" that we wrote together, as she began to play the keys on the piano. I felt a sparkle form in my eyes -- my eyes lit up to her sounds...  
"Sing it..." I said, as she suddenly stopped and turned her head to look at me.  
"No..." she said in a shy tone of voice. "Some other time."  
"Oh come on... don't leave me craving like this..." I begged her. "Puh-leaseeeee..." I pouted.  She sighed, shifting her eyes to the side, away from me.  
"Fine... just the first verse."  
"Okay.  Just the first verse." I grinned widely.  
"Okay... start."  
"Wait, what? Me?" I asked, confused.  
"Well, yeah... it should start with your first rap verse..."  
"Umm... I mean... I don't remember it! I just wanted you to sing your part." I said, in a whinny tone.  
"I'll sing my part, if you sing yours." she said, sounding a bit more bossy.  
I sighed... "Fine... let me go get the paper. It's in my bookbag."  
  
I kneeled on the floor in front of her, stretching out the sheet of paper where I had written my rap lyrics to the song.  I cleared my throat, and looked up at her a tad nervous. “Well? Start playing, loser.” I said, teasingly.  
“You sure you don’t need another 10 years to get ready?” she teased me back.  
“Actually…” I pretended to turn around to do something else. She nudged my shoulder and chuckled softly. I turned back around towards her, returning the smile. “Kiddin’…sheesh.” I rubbed my shoulder jokingly, pretending to be in pain. She stuck her tongue out at me, as she looked down onto her keyboard, beginning to play the intro again. I bobbed my head up and down, as I started to imagine the beat of the drums and the bass in my head.  
  
“Uh, Uh, yeah… it’s just another story, I fell in love with someone who doesn’t know me… yeah, and it’s all about me. How do I begin to let you know me?” I started the first verse; all the while my gaze was lowered. “You’ve only seen me from afar… if I could meet you, I’d run the entire way to you…” I heard the sound of the lower keys on the piano cease to play, as I felt Krystal’s hand hold the bottom of my chin, lifting my gaze to meet hers. I felt a grip on my heart when our eyes met in the midst of our music. Our hearts are heavy -- weighing tons… and they’re magnets. Magnets connected by the heaviest of chains, forever pulling towards each other. That’s how I felt: an intense gravitational pull at my heart towards her chest… and it didn’t hurt -- not one bit.  
  
“Beautiful stranger, I’ve fallen right into your eyes…” she started to sing – she was the treble to my bass. "The mysterious feeling, new language – I’ll open my heart to you… Everyone’s saying you’re dangerous, they don’t even try to see you in the same way that I do, no…” her fingertips slowly and sensually slipped away from under my chin, as she began to play the piano with both hands again, lowering her gaze back into her keyboard. I am so hella swept off my feet right now… I bit my bottom lip, and chuckled softly into my next verse…

“Baby girl, tell me everything, I’m ready… A strange person, we can be strange together – I want to break down your walls to get to know you better. No matter how hard you try to close the door to your heart, I’ll keep it open so that we can talk a little more…” She smiled softly at my last verse, as she raised her eyes to look at me again, without raising her head.  
“No matter what they say, you’re an angel, the music you put together… that music possesses my heart… Beautiful Stranger…”  
I smirked at her soft smile “Hey there, don’t be shy… come talk to me and look into my eyes…” I said, while letting the paper slowly slip out of my hands. I raised my palms to her cheeks, lifting her gaze to meet mine. “You should know by now that I’m not like them… look into my eyes…”  
“Beautiful stranger…” she sang, as she came closer...  
“…Just like this, how we are now… it’s not strange, no…” we sang together.  
  
Her lips exhaled into a kiss over my lips, suddenly but slowly and tenderly -- immediately after my lips pronounciated those last words. She wasted no time.  I grabbed her breath into mine, pressing my palms onto her cheeks even more. We parted our lips slowly, catching our breaths…  
  
Even singing together felt like sex.  
  
  
We sang the entire song that night, even though we said we'd only sing the first verse... heh. The first song we would ever write together, sing together... I was right... she really _is_ close to being perfect. I say close... only because total perfection...  
  
...It's us together.  
   
Seriously, though... we're totally perfect together.  
  
"Wow..." she said, giggling right after  "For our next album?" she asked, as she turned off the piano, reaching under the bed again to put it away.  
"There's no way they'd let us sing this song just us two, though... especially with all of those rumors, and stuff."  
"Yeah..." she said, as she stood up to turn on the night light, and to turn off the bedroom light.  
"And you randomly kissing me... but I mean, I understand. I'm pretty damn irresistable." I teased her.   
"Whatever..." she said, in a light laughter and a bit embarassed because she knew it was true, even though I said it jokingly.   
"Also, you play really freaking good... don't ever say you and Snoopy aren't comparable, ever again... loser."  
"Snoopy?"  
"Oh, it's what I call Henry." I laughed softly, as she stared at me blankly -- it could be a death glare... but it wasn't quite there yet. "What...? It's a nickname... geez, woman." I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her waist, as she was approaching the bed again, pulling her back in bed with me. We lied on the bed, side by side on our backs. I turned my face towards her, as she was looking upwards. I poked her cheek. "Why are you so jelly?" I asked. She still had a -- sort of serious look on her face.  
"Am not..."  
"You kinda are, though." I chuckled.  
"I just... I just want you to be all mine..." she said softly under her breath, as she shifted her eyes to the side. "Stupid..."  
"Heh... but I am... I'm your stupid. All yours." I replied, as she slowly started to smile shyly, turning her face towards me.

  
  
  


"Always...?" she asked, as it kind of threw me off guard a bit. 'Always' she says. Can I promise an always? Her shy smile faded a bit, into a giggle mixed with confusion... "Am...?"  
"Yeah...?" I said "I know... I know... I'm sorry."  I felt myself space out again.  "I spaced out for a second, didn't I?"  
"Sort of... yeah..."  
"I um..."  I reached one of my hands to hold hers. “I don’t think either of us can really promise an always, Krys. I mean – realistically speaking…” She wrinkled her eyebrows slightly.  
“No… you’re definitely wrong…” she said, in disbelief of my answer.  
“Krys, come on... You know how the saying goes, right?” I said, as she raised an eyebrow – clearly she did not know what saying I was refering to. “Well, you know… how can we promise forever if we do not know what forever brings?” I added -- the words came out of me like a Bible verse. You know, those verses you just memorize perfectly, and say but don't really mean... or you don't even think about what it means as you say it -- kinda like that. Yeah...  
“Oh, that saying…” she said, a bit disappointed… but quickly regained her confidence as she tightened her grip slightly on my hands, bringing them closer towards her chest. “True… you have a point. We don’t know forever, but we know each other…”  
I was puzzled. “Okay? What do you mean exactly?” I asked.   
“You’re saying we don’t know what forever will bring, because you don’t know the circumstances of tomorrow…"  
“Right?”  
“But the circumstances of tomorrow don’t matter…”  
"Well of course they matter, circumstances – they…” I objected.  
“…They change us.” she interrupted me.   
“Yeah. Exactly. They change us. They change everything…they…”  
“Only if you let them, though…”  
“…” I squinted my eyes, still trying to understand where she was getting at.   
“If you’re you – if you’re true to who you are, then that can’t change through circumstances… you don’t have to let obstacles change who you truly are, Am…” she explained.   
“Well…”  
“So, if we know each other, truly… even -- even if we don’t know tomorrow… I’ll hate the circumstances, but I’ll still love you – who you are, who I know -- always, because who a person truly is, that won't change.”  
"Hmm...”  
"You can only let circumstances change you for the worse, if you never were truly who you were..." she finished.   
I didn’t know what to say to that. Her philosophy sounded all very fairy tale-like, but it sounded like the kind of fairy tale I didn’t want to bother questioning… I wanted it to be so real.  “So… know me... and let me know you. Right now.” I said, firmly. I could see the trace of her smile at the dim light of the night light, as we both turned again to lie on our backs, but my hands were still in hers. She raised them up above our heads, as her hands began to play with mine, gently -- the tip of her fingers tracing along my palm lines, tickling them lightly. She would intertwine and untwine her fingers with mine, again and again -- encasing my fingers into her palms, feeling the roof of my nails underneath her fingertips -- our hands danced above our heads.    
“Am…”  
“Yeah…?” I said in a haze of a sigh. She giggled.  
“You sound like I’m about to give you the codes to a hidden treasure.”  
“No, I sound like I’m _talking_ to the hidden treasure _itself_.. that – uhh – isn’t... _hidden_ anymore.” I laughed softly at myself after hearing what I had just said.  
“You never told me... like -- you never really told me the exact moment when you realized you were in love – liked me?”  
No one’s ever really asked me something like that before. _Do_ people even ask that question? Don't they just kind of accept that it happened -- that we fell in love -- and enjoy it? But Krystal, on the other hand -- unlike most people -- she's a gem, after all.   
“I never told you? I didn’t know I was supposed to.” I teased her, chuckling softly. “I’ll make a report right away, your highness.”  
She laughed softy. “No, really… I mean, you got to read how I fell in love with you… So…”  
“Well, not really… you could have fallen in love with me at a much sooner moment, but you wouldn’t necessarily confess it to yourself in your diary at _that_ very moment…”  
“Touche… Hey! Don’t digress! I asked first.” She laughed and insisted.  
“Okay, okay... well – umm… I’d have to give it some thought, and I guess... remember…”  
“So, it wasn’t exactly an epiphany… like suddenly?”  
“Is there ever really an exact moment where you _suddenly_ fall in love? I don't think so... It was more like that frog analogy -- you know, where the frog doesn't realize the water started to boil? You put me in a pot of cold water on a stove, and then you started to higher the fire slowly, little by little, and without me noticing – not even a bit – I was already boiling…  burning... and then of course the frog dies without even realizing it. In my case, I was wrapped around your index finger without even realizing it – it was in the skies.” I explained.  
“In the skies?”    
“Yeah… we were flying, and it happened gradually… _then_ suddenly. You had this way of getting under my skin, as If nothing…you have this way of knowing me.”  
“I like knowing you.” she said, softly.  
“Yeah… I like knowing you, too.” I was staring onto the ceiling when I realized she was still playing with my hands… I chuckled softly. “What are you doing, princess?”  
“Playing with the stars.”  
“The stars?” I asked, confused.  
“Yeah…” she said in a yawn. "The stars of your hands -- they’re so beautiful.”  
I smiled softly. She was drifting to sleep, I figured it was her sleep talk. I lowered both of our hands onto her chest, resting them in between her breasts. I leaned my head into her shoulder, wrapping one of my legs around both of her thighs “Ddudungie... my hands don’t have stars...” I whispered softly, kissing her shoulder.   
  
  
To be continued...   
  


[Colorblind - Counting Crows ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY0yKxMwRGg)   
_I am covered in skin, no one gets to come in -- Pull me out from inside._   
  
  
  
  
  
**Author Notes Below**   
  
  


The song "Colorblind" by Counting Crows, is about being closed up towards your loved one. But, eventually and slowly opening up to them, showing all of your colors, telling them you're ready to be vulnerable. I thought it was suitable for this ending scene, since Krystal is basically telling Amber that they _need_ to know each other truly, and be able to love their true selves, in order for circumstances to not be able to shake their love. Even though they've both opened up quite a bit about many dark shades of who they are, there's still a lot to come that they'll need to overcome together. There's a lot they'll need to open up and be honest about if they're going to have a lasting relationship -- an "always" relationship.   
  
I went back and re-read this entire chapter again, and made some tweaks in some of the conversations. I was like half asleep when I finished this last night, and so I didn't really have much energy to act out the conversation in order to assert their realism. Haha... That probably doesn't make much sense to you guys. But, when I write, I act out all of the scenes, in order to provide natural and instinctive reactions and responses. So, this morning, I went through the conversations again, clarified a couple of things, added a couple of things that I felt would make the comversations a bit more lively. I hope it doesn't sound worse hahaha.   
  
My girlfriend and I got a cat tree for the cats (we have 4 cats), and we were able to fix the screen of our balcony. The cats had been staying in another bedroom, the bedroom I wanted to use for recreational purposes, such as writing. So, now the cats are in the balcony, screened and free from bugs and they have a huge cat tree. They're super happy, and I now have my MAN CAVE -- err WOMAN CAVE! =D  So, I was finally able to get some privacy last night, and I used the room to write and get this chapter finished. I will be using that room to write often from now on. It's all going to be full of pillows, video games, posters -- kind of like a chill room. :3   
  
Also, thank you for all of your patience and your condolences for my father's passing. You guys are the best readers ever. Kryber has the best fandom ever. I look forward to seeing you guys for the next chapter very soon. I have very big ideas and plans for this fic -- much drama to come.   
  
  
 **Kryber is love**  
  
  



	15. There Are Empty Spaces - Part 1

_There Are Empty Spaces_   
  
[ ](http://i.imgur.com/JiOHRi6.jpg)

 

Shutter eyes -- the silhouette of my eyelashes against the soft light entering the window of her room, it's the first thing I see. My vision fades to black again, and what do I feel? Her deep and warm breaths in long intervals, brushing over my shoulders and almost towards my neck. And her body -- I could feel her body all over me, but not sure exactly where, as I was still half asleep. The one spot that I _was_ for sure of, was definitely her breath on my shoulder. Unmistakable.    
  
The eyelashes and the silhouettes... again, but I realize that this time I feel nothing. Well, not _nothing_ nothing. I feel cold and...  
"Soojung?" I say suddenly, as I rapidly find myself sitting up in bed -- an empty bed but with only me, the sheets, my pillow and hers. I look around the room as I begin to feel a slight dizziness from suddenly sitting up in bed so quickly.  I let my back fall back into bed.  
  
My pillow.  
  
I turn to face it, and taking a deep breath in I realize that... I'm really loving this new So K scent after all. It's a mixture between my new Green Tea Mint shampoo, and Krystal’s French Lavender and Wild Rose; probably some drool, and infused with a little bit of that special kind of wood that the beds in the dorms are made of. I turn around again to lie on my back, and I look up at the ceiling...  
  
"Where the hell did she go?" I say to myself nonchalant, as I begin to sit up, slowly this time.  
  
The halls were only this quiet after dark, and not even then. I opened the door to my room to find it empty. It’s possible that Luna went to go spend some time with her family today. I know that they live in town, unlike Sulli’s, so she doesn’t really have to travel far to go see them. She and Krys are pretty lucky in that aspect. I grab my toiletries and make my way towards the bathroom to wash up, at which point as I’m getting closer towards one of the bathrooms that nears the end of the hallway, I hear the faint of a melody, as the echo mellows itself out.     
  
“The dance room?” I say with a faint smile, as I wash out the mint taste of the toothpaste out of my mouth and onto the sink.  
  
After a few moments of silence another song begins right as I’m approaching the dance room -- weird… moaning sounds and then I hear Lady Gaga’s voice. “Ah… had to be Gaga.” I say with a soft chuckle, as I peak through the slightly open door, and into the sky painted and mirror filled room.  
  
[F(x) Krystal - "Dance in the Dark" - Lady Gaga ](https://youtu.be/7GxhWZXj4bg?t=6s)  
  
And there she was – _was_ it Krystal? Loose hair, barefoot, in black tight jeans, white shirt under an unbuttoned plaid long sleeve. Her hair was constantly covering her face as she danced… oh and she _danced_. She was possessed by the beat and it was pretty god damn mesmerizing to watch. I froze where I stood, unable to control my eyes as they followed her every move. Why… why don’t they let us choreograph something like this? Why do the dudes always get all the cool moves?  
  
“Why can’t we dance like this!?” I said out loud and jokingly, as I walked fully into the room half way through the song after seeing her routine end – the only time that I was able to snap out of the jaw drop she had placed me in: right when she stopped moving.  She looked up startled, as she stroked her hair out of her face with one of her hands – in that sensual way she always manages to do it in, without even trying. She looked even hotter doing it all out of breath – I know, I know. I sound like a 15 year old boy high on hormones. But can you blame me? Krystal landed a triple on me: plaid, hair stroke, and dance. You really can’t blame me here. I’m innocent, I tell ya’! Innocent!  
  
She smiled hastily, right after stroking her hair and after recovering from the startle. “Because we’re K-POP bitches! Duh!” she replied to my question in a jokingly valley girl accent, seems like she heard my question way after I asked it. I finished walking over to her as she met me half way.  
“Whoa, whoa, whoa there. I ain’t no bitch. I’m a K-POP ‘chick’, but not a bitch.” I reply jokingly as I poke her belly button, closing in on her. She gives my cheek a quick pop kiss, and takes a step back to smile adorably at me. She then grabs a hold of my hands, and begins to try to get me to dance to the song still playing.  I followed her lead reluctantly.  
“Lady _Gaga_ says she’s a _free_ bitch.” She asserts, as if it’s supposed to be okay if Lady Gaga says so.  
“Yeah, well… that’s Lady Gaga. That’s her thing… if that’s what she kinda wants to do… I mean…” I reply awkwardly, as she moved her hands away from mine, and onto my shoulders beginning to sway them to the beat. She insisted on me dancing Gaga with her.  
“Am, you’re stiffer than stiff… come on! What happened to getting music drunk?” she brings both hands to my cheeks, pinching and pulling them tenderly.  
“Yearh… I guessh Gaga ishn’t weally my…” she let go of my cheeks “Blah… my ‘drank’ of choice – if you know what I mean?” I finished, as I reached in to give her lips a quick pop kiss. She didn’t kiss me back as she was busy giving me pouty lips of disappointment. “Good morning, by the way.” I smiled widely at her, as she continued to pout. “I guess I’ll ask the obvious question… what are you doing?” I asked with a light chuckle as I poked her belly button again.  
“Well, I – I just didn’t want to fall off the bandwagon and be in pain for our next official practice session, which is just going to get worse every time. If we rest too much we’ll be in pain for the next session.” She explained, as she let herself flop down in a sitting position on the cold wooden dance floor.  
“Oh yeah?” I let her know I was listening, as I began to walk over towards her phone that was connected to the speakers.  
“Yeah, like… I want to be on my game, you know?” she said in a serious tone. “You’ve distracted me too much already.” She said with a frisky and shy giggle.  
“Oh so now you want to blame your setbacks on me?” I joked.  
“Totally. And… what are you doing?” she asked, as she had just realized I was messing with her phone.  
  
["Too Close" NEXT](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA0Z795mkMk)  
  
I placed one hand on my chin, and looked up with a wondering expression, as I mouthed the intro words of the song “I wonder if she can tell if I’m hard right now?” I began to playfully bob my head, as the beat kicked in. “Baby when we’re grindin’ I get so excited, oooh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it. Oooh you dancin’ real close, plus real real slow – you’re makin’ it hard for me!” I sang to her with a smirk, as I closed in on her slowly. “Remind you of anything?” I asked, as I placed my hands on the collar of her plaid long sleeve pulling her closer to me, as I exaggeratedly gave her a huge wink. “Ah? Ah?”  
She laughed loudly “Hmm… let’s see… oh like the time you practically made out with me on the Octagon Club dance floor?” she replied.  
“Hardly! It was a nibble! Come on! Cut me some slack here.”  
“Aha! So you admit it!” she exclaimed, jokingly as she poked my cheeks.  
“Well, it’s not like I was dissimulating well enough for you to not write about it!” We both laughed. “But, I actually picked this song because – don’t you like this kind of stuff? And I can dig this a lot more than Gaga.”  
“This kind of stuff?” she asked.  
“Well yeah, you know – old school R&B? That’s your thing.”  
“Really? This is like 90’s… barely old school. I’m more of the… 80’s and 70’s stuff.” she explained.  
“Geez… well alrighty then, grandma. Oh yeah, I forget that you’re the weirdo who listens to Iron and Wine covers and The Smiths.” I tease her, as she sticks her tongue out at me playfully and smiles. She walks over to her phone, changing the song.  
  
["Oh Honey" Delegation ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbCwmuiP6Ek)  
  
“Now… _this_ is old school. Hmmm that intro… Do you hear that?” she says as she softly closes her eyes and purses in her lips, all while standing in place enjoying what seemed like the longest intro in history – as I anticipated her next move. The intro ends as the song begins, and a slow smirk draws over Krystal’s face, as she turns around over to me and lip syncs expressively to the words, as if serenading me.   
  
I smile shyly, while she continues to mouth the words to the song to me -- walking towards me at the same time. It was hard to fixate my eyes on her, because I was feeling too shy, and way too placed on the spot – my eyes scanned the room, and I felt my fingers fidgeting with the bottom edge of my shorts. There she goes again, with that ability to make me always feel so vulnerable, so small – but not weak or insignificant. Never that. How could she do that? How could she make me feel such a contradiction? Sensually dancing as she walks towards me, her lips still moving in synch to the voice coming through the song. I freeze in place as her face positions itself right in front of mine, and this time I have no other choice but to face her. I witness a slow motion, super close up of her tongue caressing her bottom lip – and then biting it tenderly, as her hands fall onto my hips. She presses my hips against hers that were swaying to the beat, as the joking atmosphere slowly dissipates. Her eyes flutter across from mine, as her pupils scan my face and then move down towards my hips… back to my eyes in a frozen gaze. At this point we’ve realized that our foreheads are touching -- she’s gotten _this_ close to me without me even noticing. My whole body is pretty stiff… I literally felt paralyzed by her touch and this sweet melody in combination – it was a recipe for a perfect disaster.  
  
She smiles, and it’s not goofy. It’s not a joking or goofy smile at all, like the ones we were giving each other just minutes ago. It’s not some playful smile. It was a smile that was firm and soft, both at the same time -- that spoke to me. Her smile said she wanted me, all of me. Right now. Right here.  
  
So, I smiled right back.  
  
“That would _not_ work.” A girl’s voice echoed, as it then bursts loud and clear through the opposite entrance of the dance room. Krystal and I automatically untouched, as if an electric shock separated us both instantaneously. “Soojung?”  
“Unnie?” Krystal replied with a hidden shock in her voice. I didn’t allow my gaze to rise. I cringed slowly inside knowing now that it was Jessica. “U-unnie…!” Krystal said again, trying to force enthusiasm. I had been looking down the entire time afraid to see who it might have been. Afraid that -- whoever it was -- they saw us -- _it_ , even if but only a glimpse. I was afraid, I was… but knowing that it was now Jessica, _petrified_ me. “What are – what are you guys doing here?” Krystal continued, as I felt her leave my side. Wait. Guys? I lifted my gaze to see the rest of SNSD entering the room.  
“No, but yeah… I think I agree with Sunny, looking at it now, starting from the left would make more sense.” Yuri continues, on what I’m guessing is some stage performance discussion. I was just glad to see her and the rest of the crew, instead of just Jessica. It kinda doesn’t force me to just speak to her.  
“Hi Yuri-unnie.” I said shyly. She was nice. She had been nice to me, so I tried to find comfort and distraction in that. Also, whenever I see her my gaydar breaks. What? It’s true!  
“Oh hey, Amber.” She replied with an adorable wave. “Do you know what I’m saying?” she continued, as she directed her question over towards Jessica.  Jessica, who was busy still staring down Krystal and I, as if analyzing us and dissimulating it very well.  
“Yeah. I think I do see what you’re saying.” Jessica responded, sounding a bit distracted as she pretended to look around the room to take into consideration Yuri’s comment, but still looking at Krystal and I with an obvious suspicion. The rest of the girls started to get comfortable, sitting around, removing their shoes, stretching, and all of that jazz. Jessica then began to walk towards us. “So, what are _you_ _two_ doing here?” she asked, making an emphasis on the ‘you two’ for me. Well… I’m guessing it was for me, since it was _me_ who she told to cool it with her sister, basically.  
“Well… _I_ …” Krystal began to explain, as she expressively pointed to herself. “…was just showing _Amber_ …” she expressively pointed at me, as well.  “…some dance moves we could incorporate in one of our songs for a next performance.”  
“Oh Krystal, please. As if they’d let rookies add any moves to anything.” Jessica responded with an eye roll, as she began to walk right in between us. “Most rookies don’t know that… but _you_ do.” Jessica concluded, as she finished passing by us, giving Krystal a glance of ‘I don’t believe you not one bit.’ She knew that Krystal was trying to cover something up, because Krystal _knows_ all of these rookie rules from her sister. I looked over at Krystal a bit confused, because she had already told me the real reason why she was in the dance room just a few minutes ago. But then I realized, she’s probably speaking out of panic, out of fear that we might have been seen… so her excuse seemed like a sound explanation for us _both_ being here together, but… it just didn’t make sense, it being Krystal and knowing what she knows – it just didn’t make sense at all, and so Jessica’s suspicion grew.  
“Ugh… Krystal, so you _were_ right. She tried telling me.” I budged in. “She actually dragged me out here to just make sure we wouldn’t get sore for the next practice session, since she said it was gonna be a real bitch. Also something that she knows…” I smiled nervously, and slightly out of breath. “And then I insisted on new dance moves, but I guess she was right. They’d never let rookies do that… man that sucks.” I finished, trying to sound as real as possible. Though, we all know I didn’t.  
Krystal nodded towards me with approval, thanking me for the save.  
“Oh definitely yeah, you guys are going to suffer.” Sunny said from across the room, after overhearing.  
“Oh, well that _is_ true. Sucks that the rest of your group didn’t think to do the same.” Jessica sneakily pointed out, that it was still only us two there. “Well, sorry to break your enthusiasm, but we reserved the room for… about… right…” she looks at her phone for the time. “… now. We have another big concert to prepare for this upcoming week. Sorry, guys.” She explained, sounding more sympathetic towards the end.  
“Oh no yeah, you guys are definitely way busier.” I said, as I started to walk towards Krystal’s stuff.  Krystal looked over towards the rest of her unnies and bowed politely, as she also then walked towards her things. We both scattered to quickly put away her stuff and get the hell out of the dance room as fast possible. Neither of us were fans of awkward situations, and this one was definitely taking the cake to being _the_ most awkwardest of awkwardest situations on the planet. Not just because they almost caught us eye-sexing and basically molesting each other, but mostly because I literally popped SNSD’s Jessica’s little sister’s cherry YESTERDAY. Literally, YESTERDAY. You know? The SNSD’s Jessica who told me to not even _hang out_ as much with Krystal due to _just_ my image? Yeah. That one. My image is now the least of her worries, and mine for that matter… because -- my god -- if she ever finds out, she will literally kill me. She will kill me! Again, she petrifies me.  
  
[Amber scared of Jessica?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAM-flmQQKE)  
  
“Well _that_ was nerve wrecking.” I said, as I helped Krystal bring her things back into her room.  
“I think we can call that the understatement of the year.” She said with a shy giggle, as she held the door open for me to pass through.  
“Oh, most definitely.” I agreed, placing her things over her bed.  
“Are you okay?” she asked chuckling softly as she turned me around to face her.  She began to caress the side of my face with one of her hands, while brushing strands of hair out of the way.  
“There is a high chance that I might have crapped my pants, but other than that -- I think I’ll survive.” I said in the most serious tone I could fathom, but then smiled softly at her. My eyes fluttered enjoying her subtle touch over the side of my face.  
“So attractive.” She said in a jokingly seductive tone while giggling, and moving in to peck my nose.  
“I know, I know.” I said, as I jokingly flipped my non-existing long hair to the side. “But hey! I know something we can both do that won’t involve any kinds of awkward, for real, for real.” I said, excitedly.  
“Like right now?” she asked as she lightly squinted her eyes, moving her hands from my face to my shoulders. She squeezed my shoulders tenderly.  
“Yup!” I said cheerfully as I escaped from under one of her arms, walked over to her sneakers, and grabbed them lifting them up to her sight.  
“Well, _actually_ I…”  
“So, put these on and you can meet me in my room. I still need to change from out of my PJ’s.” I said, as I placed the sneakers in her hands.  
“Well, wh-what is it exactly? The – this thing we’re doing.” she asked shyly, as she grabbed a hold of the sneakers, reluctantly.    
“It’s a super duper mega surprise that I can’t tell you, because then you won’t be surprised and so then I will be sad, because then…” I rambled jokingly.  
“Dork…” she giggled at me.  “Well, it’s ‘cause I sort of already -- sort of had something… also a surprise?”  
“Whaaaaaat?!” I exclaimed with an exaggerated sadness. “I sort of planned the whole weekend, though…” I whined.  
“I didn’t know you had planned the _entire_ weekend. I planned _today_. You took me somewhere nice yesterday, and I kind of wanted to do the same.” She said, whining back and shifting her gaze to the side, changing it back to me immediately and landing a fervent stare, which I returned – both determined to get our way.  
“Best two out of three.” She said suddenly.  
“You’re on.” I responded, with a competitive smirk, slamming my fist into my palm.  
“Rock, paper, scissor, shoot – rock paper scissor, shoot – rock paper scissor, shoot…” we both said aloud.  
“Damn it!” I said, slamming my fist into the air. I began to immediately pout at her with puppy eyes, and then released my pout with a sigh. “Fine… so what’s _your_ surprise?” I asked.  
She giggled and clapped rapidly. “Meet you in your room? You’ll know when we get there.” She said, as she placed herself behind me, and began scooting me out of her room.  
“I will have my rock, paper, scissor revenge! I swear!” I jokingly exclaimed as she kicked me out of her room.  
  
“A library?” I asked with a light scoff.  
“Beauty and the Beast style.” She said, with a huge grin as we both stood at the entrance staring at the large building in front of us. “Surprised?” she asked, as she turned her head towards me to gauge my reaction.  
“Surprised? Definitely. Gotta say, I’ve never been on a date to a library. Not even a museum, which I guess would be the closest idea to a library date. Though… more cliché. And I know you hate cliché.”  
“You know me so well, servant.” She leaned in to peck my cheek. “After you, servant.”  
“What a humble princess you are. Don’t mind if I do.” I played along with her, as I made my way through the two wide doors, holding them open for her to pass after me. All of the sound stayed behind those two doors. It was as if we had entered a totally different dimension. It was… so quiet, and so empty. I followed behind Krystal as she made her way through the outside of the bookcase aisles, counting them down under her breath. She knew where she was going.  
“You’ve been here before, I’m guessing?” I asked.  
“I come here… all of the time. The only reason I _don’t_ have a book to return right now is because we got so busy closing in on the tour.” She explained.  “Oh, here, here… come on.” She whispered excitedly, as she had found the bookcase aisle she was counting down to. She held my hand in hers, as she led me down all the way to the end of the aisle.  
“What’s so special about this aisle?” I wondered, as she sat down on the cold floor with her back against the bookcase. She patted the floor across from her, so I sat down as well, with my back right up against the opposite bookcase shelf. She looked into my eyes with a smile full of excitement, as she bit down into her bottom lip.

  
[ ](http://www.publicdomaintreasurehunter.com/images/l2.jpg)

  
“Well…” she said, as she placed her hand on the bookshelf across from us both. “It’s the only aisle that doesn’t have another corridor at the end… instead, it has another bookshelf.”  
“Ah, the bookworm aisle.” I joked, she chuckled softly.  
“Yeah. I guess you could say that. The bookworm aisle out of the rest of the library.”  
“The other aisles are not as bookwormy as this one.” I continued joking, saying it all in a very serious tone, enjoying making her laugh. “Don’t worry, Dexter…” I whispered into the bookcase behind me. “We promise we won’t tell the other aisles how much of a nerd you are.”  
She covered her lips with her hands, muffling the laughter. “It just makes it feel like a more secluded spot.” She continued explaining. “Wait… Dexter? Are you naming my aisle?” she asked, her laugh now turned into giggles from her trying to tone it down.  
“Yeah, you know… like from Dexter’s Laboratory? Cartoon Network?” I explained, beginning to laugh with her now.  
“You’re such a dork.” She said with a smile.  
“Hey, you brought me to a library for a date. Who’s really the dork here?” I teased her.  
“And your date idea was going to be…?” she shook her head lightly, letting me know her date is still better than whatever I had planned.  
“We were gonna head over to the mall, and pick up some matching skateboards together. I was gonna teach you how to skate. I left my board back at home. So, I figured why not get one together, ya’ know? Super romantic. See?”  
“Definitely! Take me out to get some massive bruises. The most romantic date ever.” She teased me, fluttering her eyelashes at me jokingly.  
“Oh whatever, it was gonna be fun.” I pouted jokingly. “So… why a library? I can understand a museum. We go in, we look at stuff… but… here we’d have to read… so…”  
“Exactly.” She said excitedly. “We _are_ in fact going to read.”  
“Wait, really?” I ask, as she turns around to grab a random book from the bookcase against her back, flipping it to the back cover.  
“See this summary?” she asks. I nod, still a little confused. Our date will be reading in a library? Maybe we’re sharing a book? Reading it to each other? “There’s a book summary on the back of each book, for the most part. We’ll split up for a bit and we’ll pick out one book that catches our attention from reading the summary. We’ll meet back here, and exchange books.” She explained.  
“So, I’ll give you the book that caught my attention, and you’ll give me the book that caught your attention.” I stated, trying to see if I understood.  
“Exactly.” She said, as she placed the random book back in its place. “Then, we’ll read the first chapter of the book, and discuss it.” She smiled, feeling pretty proud about her plan. I smile back at her. She looks so adorable, all getting excited about books. The bookworm princess, just like Belle.  
“So… you really love reading, huh?” I asked suddenly, as I held my smile at her.  
“I really do.” She giggled. “I mean, how can you _not_?”  
“I don’t know… I guess I’m just more of a movie person. I’ll still read it if you tell me to, though. I’ll do anything you ask me to do, pretty much.” I said with a flirty chuckle. She squinted her eyes, raised one of her eyebrows and returned the flirt with a smirk -- liking the idea.  
“I really love movies, too… but the thing with movies is…” she then regained her normal posture, from flirty to brainy. “…you’re not always filled in on every detail.”  
“Are you about to hit me with some princess wisdom again?” I asked teasingly, as she reached over across from me and nudged my knee.  
“Really, though. Think about it. In a book, every single detail the writer wants you to know about… it’s all there. Every single thought from a given character, their exact emotions... If you’re watching a scene in a movie where a character is supposed to express nostalgia – let’s say he happens to be a bad actor, and instead of expressing nostalgia, he expresses sadness or anger. In a book, it will tell you that it is in fact nostalgia, it will _describe_ nostalgia in the character’s words…” she passionately explained. “… in a book you don’t have to deduce emotions, but in a movie you have to -- depending on how good or bad an actor is.”  
“So… kind of like a painting and a poem…” I hinted.  
She squinted her eyes, and then nodded in agreement. “Yeah… kind of like that.”  
“So, I have this painting of a sunset. But then comes princess Soojung, and describes the sunset in a poem...” I continued hinting.  
“… every line, every shade, every color, its history, its meaning…” she says, looking deep into my eyes.  
“You… dissect the scene.”  
“I dissect the scene.” She smiled in agreement.  
I cleared my throat gently, and gulped. She has a way of doing this intellectual… sex thing to me…  
“I get it.” I assure her. “I guess I just don’t have the patience to read five paragraphs just to imagine a single picture or a single emotion, you know?”  
“Maybe… but you draw in pen. I’m sure that patience is somewhere in there.”  
“Maybe…” I slowly stand, and reach my hand out towards her to help her get up, as well. “Alright. Let’s do this! Let’s go read some dissected emotions and sceneries.” I say excitedly. She giggles as she places her hand in mine, standing up.  If she loves this _this_ much… then I do, too. As I make my way ahead of her down the aisle, she lightly and playfully spanks my butt from behind. “Hey!” I say under my breath.  
“For good luck on your search.” She says with a wink, as she passes by me and moves in ahead. Tease she is.  
I of course made my way towards the ‘dongseongae’ section of the library, hoping to maybe find something that might be more informative for Krystal than whatever stereotypical articles she found online. “Tales of the City… by Armstead Maupin…” man, this book seems to be actually pretty popular. I instantly recognized it from when Jesse was reading it on the plane. Jesse’s boyfriend got it for him as a gift, so as an exchange should be just as good, right? As I read the back of the book… “The novel is a look at San Francisco in the 1970’s…” her hometown. Seems fitting. Not gonna even try to find another book to compete.  
  
I sat back down at the end of aisle Dexter with my back up against the bookcase parallel to where Krystal would sit. Both my feet extended and pressed against her bookcase as I clenched the book I chose in between my knees.  
“Ready?” she said with smile, as she finally arrived and began walking towards me.  
“I think so. Reading hasn’t killed me yet, so I don’t mind taking the risk.” I joked. She chuckled and nudged my shoulder as she sat down across from me, her back against the bookcase where my feet were also pressed against. I released the book from in between my knees, as it fell onto the floor. I slid it over to her.  
“Dork.” She said, as she placed her book onto my lap. The title faced upwards. I looked down and read it aloud.  
“Tuesdays with Morrie?” I asked. I looked back up at her – her eyes fixated on me, as she nodded and smiled.  
  
[Because Krystal told me to ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmZQT573aJA)  
  
“I have a confession, though… I’ve actually already read this book before. When I saw it, I just knew right away that I had to share it with you.”  
“Guess I also have a confession. I saw Jesse reading that one.” I chuckled as I pointed at the book.  
“Nothing wrong with a few loopholes, right?” she smirked as she read the title. “Tales of the City.”  
“It’s about several different people and lives in San Francisco – mostly gay – and how their lives interact with one another and such. Apparently it’s a pretty famous book.” I explained.  
“No, no, no… shhh. You’re not supposed to tell me what your summary read. It’s supposed to be a surprise for me.”  
“Oooh. My bad.” I squinted my eyes as I shrugged. She giggled lightly.  
“It’s okay. I forgot to tell you, but for future reference.”  
“Future reference.” I agreed, as I opened the book to begin the first chapter.  
  
I can soon feel Krystal’s gaze pressed on me, as I notice her peaking over her book. I know I’m a slow reader, but damn… already? She’s done? I look up to meet my eyes with hers.  
“You’re done already?” I asked.  
“One chapter is not that much, I’m used to reading books of this length in a day or less.”  
“Yeahp, you’re definitely Belle.” I teased her, as I looked back down into my book, trying to re-read a paragraph I had spaced out on.  
“What?” she asked confused and with a light laugh.  
“That you’re like Belle – you know, from Beauty and the Beast that you mentioned earlier -- that princess who loves to read.” I explained, as I lifted my eyes back to meet hers.  
“Oh yeah! Belle…” she said with a thoughtful smirk, entertaining the idea. “Are you almost done?”  
“I’m not sure.” I said, as I looked through the remaining pages that lead up until the end of the first chapter. “Okay yeah, definitely not almost.” I chuckled at how slow I was.  
“You could also just check out the book, and read it until the end at your own pace?” she hinted.  
“Yeah… I think I’ll do that, actually. Plus, you already know what my story is about since you’ve read it before. You should tell me about the book I picked out for you.” I said, as I lowered the open book face down unto my lap.  
  
“Well, it was pretty enlightening… especially this character – Mona Ramsey? She’s like this hippie-ish bisexual chick…” she began telling me. I smiled thinking to myself that I made the right choice for the right reasons on picking this book. “… like, I didn’t even know this was actually a legitimate thing… you know? I had never questioned my sexuality before until I met you… but I think I’m bisexual, too. Just like Mona.” Krystal explained.  
“Yeah, makes sense.” I nodded in agreement with her.  
“But then again…” she said, a mischievous smirk forming over her lips.  “… I haven’t really found anyone else attractive _after_ being with you…” she continued, as her back began to lean forward away from her bookcase.  
“Oh?” I said, as I nervously looked out towards the exit of the aisle, making sure no one was listening in on our conversation.  
“… So, maybe I’m just an Ambersexual…” she said, crawling closer towards me and slowly sliding the book off of my lap where it laid opened – replacing it with her hands instead. “What do you think?” she asked, as she rose one of her eyebrows – eyeing me up and down while still holding that mischievous smirk. I gulped, and took a deep breath in feeling completely caught off guard. I feel the heat from her chest collapsing with my own. She was too close to me for my own good.  
“Uhh… maybe? Yeah. It’s a – a possibility?” I stuttered. What. Is. She. Doing? She chuckled softly at my response. Her hands that began to tenderly caress my upper thighs up and down, were now making their way up to the buttons of my pants, at the same rate as her lips began to close in on mine.  
“I think I’m totally an Ambersexual…” her seductive voice trembled over my lips, as she began to unbutton my pants, making her way down to the zipper.  
“Krystal… what – what are you doing?” I whispered nervously.  
“Oh… I know what I’m doing…” complete opposite of the response I got in the dorm hallways. Her voice seeped with control and seductiveness. My body had no choice but to let her take the lead… and then I felt it.  
  
A knot let loose over my chest, as my head tilted back against the bookcase and a deep breath escaped my lips slowly. It’s as if I had been dead for a thousand years, and my spirit finally returned back to my body. Her middle finger had pressed against my clit unexpectedly, as she began to stroke it in up and down motions at a very slow, but consistent pace. I felt my lips drying already. I let my tongue slide over my bottom lip, immediately followed by a bite that brought me back to my senses as I tilted my head forward again only to meet my eyes with hers. Her jaw was slightly dropped, her eyes were perfectly fixated on my face, and her breathing was just as heavy – if not more – than mine. It was as if she was seeing light for the very first time – to watch me in pleasure like this… My original plan after coming to my senses was to stop her. Of course I had to. We were in a library – in a very secluded area, but a library nonetheless… but after seeing the look on her face as she watched me enjoying her touch…  
  
My hands that were stone cold against the tile of the floor, suddenly were placed at each side of her face as I pulled her in for a cold yet longing kiss. Both our lips were dry – freezing from our heavy breathing. She changed her strokes to circular motions, and sped up the pace as I broke the kiss with a suppressed moan. I bit my bottom lip once again, as I tilted my head back against the bookcase. I felt her finger glide slowly down my slit… giving me momentary moments of ease.  
“ _This_ wet already…?” she asked teasingly, going back to her mischievous tone. “I turn you on this much…?” she asked again, as she bit her bottom lip slowly. I couldn’t fathom to say not a single word, still feeling the shock from what was currently happening. She slid her finger back to my clit, circular motions again… faster, faster… I began to whimper because I knew I couldn’t moan – but the shallowness of the library betrayed me, as I could still hear my sounds bounce against the walls into small echoes. I suddenly felt the palm of one of Krystal’s hands press against my lips softly, as she leaned into my ear…  
  
“Amber… shhh… we’re in a _library_ …!” she whispered into my ear teasingly, and playing coy. What a bad, bad, _bad_ girl she is. Her finger picked up the pace even more, stroking over my wet throbbing clit again, and again and _again_ … pressing onto it ever so precisely. My hands now near each side of her neck, but slowly sliding down to her shoulders – looking for anything to clench onto. My pelvis began thrusting upwards, longing for more pressure from her finger. I was squirming helplessly under her, as I breathed heavily onto the palm of her hand that was still pressed against my lips. I was going to cum. I was going to cum so hard…  I felt my legs tightening, as my hands slid down from her shoulders and down to the hand that was halfway inside of my pants. She removed her hand from over my lips as she felt me closer to my climax… she wanted to see it all. Enjoy my every reaction…  
  
“I’m cuming… I’m cuming…” I whispered breathlessly. “I’m cu… cu...” were my last words as I began to inhale, and exhale rapidly… my nails sinking into the back of her hand… the tightness of my legs turned to trembles that resonated throughout my entire body… making me squirm underneath her.  Her finger continued to stroke my clit, slower this time, up and down… letting me ride it out completely.  
  
“K-Krystal… Jesus… fuck…” is all I could mutter, as my tongue slowly massaged over my bottom lip. The jaw dropping awe that was showing over her face, it slowly turned into a smile right after she bit her bottom lip with intrigue. I hastily brought my hands to the zipper of my pants, trying to desperately pick up the pieces of my sanity that were scattered all over the cold floor of the aisle. Her eyes still full of intrigue, watching my every move, proud of herself. “What – what was that? Why’d you do that?” I said with a rushed chuckle, having semi-gathered myself. I hurried my eyes towards the exit of the aisle once again, making sure we were still alone.  
“Seemed fair… you’d seen me climax several times already…” she shrugged with a smirk. I fixated my eyes back towards her, wide eyes.  
“You… are very bad.” I tried forcing a serious tone, but it was near to impossible with her looking at me with that smirk.  
“And you were too cute…” she said with a giggle, as her hand leaned in towards the side of my face, gently caressing my skin with the back of her fingers. I jokingly and lightly slapped her hand away.  
“No. No. Stay back.” My face was red. I can’t believe… she did that. To me. To this Llama… Right here. In the library. And I couldn’t stop her. Wouldn’t stop her. I know that when people start dating, it’s nearly impossible for them to keep their hands off each other… but this is definitely a new level for me. Best date. Ever.  
  
  
  
To be continued...

 

 

** NOTES **

I did not imagine my father's death to affect me this much. I found myself constantly taking pictures of his car wherever I saw it, randomly crying... Six months after his passing I broke down again as if it had just happened. This year has not been easy, and so it was hard to focus. I kept procrastinating on my story. What a tough year. Thank you all for waiting for me. Will never give up on this fic until I reach my end. That's a promise. Kryber is love, guys! Happy new year!  
  
  
 **SUB - THUMBS UP - COMMENT** (love your feedback)   
  
UPDATE: Also, I just saw a recent twitter of Amber fan girling about how the band Acceptance got back together. I used one of their songs in a previous chapter. Had NO IDEA she was an Acceptance fan. Only knew she was a fan of Taking Back Sunday. Yay me!


	16. There Are Empty Spaces - Part 2

“So, that’s it? He’s really dying – like does he really die?”  
“I’m not going to tell you how it ends, Am…” she replied with a giggle “… but yes, he's really dying. He’s terminal and he knows that.” She finished saying, as her fingers brushed through my hair slowly. I had stretched out over the floor, my feet still pressed against the bookcase, but I faced upwards as my head was rested in between Krystal’s butterfly legs. I held the book above my head as my eyes were fixated on Krystal’s upside-down smile.

  
[ ](http://orig09.deviantart.net/5c7c/f/2010/092/d/7/fx__with_by_darkywarky.png)

  
Being the lazy reader that I am, I was trying to pry her on letting out some spoilers about the book she told me to read. It’s about a sick and dying professor, and a former student who seems to visit him every Tuesday, because he enjoys the wisdom and inspiration the old professor shares with him about life.  The professor is apparently pretty damn optimistic about dying.  
“So, knowing this – _knowing_ that he’s definitely, definitely a goner… how is this dude so god damn optimistic?” I asked, seriously puzzled as I finally closed the book, and set it down to our side on the floor. I reached both of my hands upwards towards the side of her thighs, and began to caress them tenderly.  
“Well, if _you_ knew that you were going to die sooner than later, wouldn’t you want to make the best out of the little time you have left?” she replied.  
“If I knew I was going to die… for sure, for sure? I’d be pretty scared, honestly… I’d be scared, and sad to leave everyone behind. As much as I’d try to stay optimistic… how could you? You’re being taken away against your will from everyone and everything that you love… forever. If anything, I’d try to distance myself to make it easier on them and myself for when it actually happens.” I explained.  
“You’d be _that_ sad? Enough to distance yourself completely?” she asked.  
“Of course.” I said, sure of my answer.  
“What if the tables were turned?” she asked  
“What do you mean?”  
“Like… say -- what if I was the one that was for sure, for sure going to die… would you let me distance myself from you?” she clarified, looking down at me with a sad curiosity -- straight into my eyes, as the stroking of my hair stopped and she settled her hands on each side of my head.  
“Well, I guess -- I’m not sure… I wouldn’t want you to. I wouldn’t want you to distance yourself from me. But it’d be best that way. It’s different – it’s a different world for the ones who are going to be left behind. For the one that dies, their pain ends with their death… but for the ones who are left behind… the pain just gets worse after the death.” I said, slowly moving my gaze from her eyes to the bookcase in front of me, staring at my feet.  
“Wow… I was kind of hoping you’d say ‘No, never. I’d chase you around everywhere and cling to you like a leach, savoring every last moment and poking you endlessly’…” she said with a sad scoff “…Did you want Soyeon to distance herself from you?” she asked with persistence, committed to getting the answer she wanted to hear, the one she was convinced to be the actual truth. My eyes widened at her suddenly bringing up Soyeon, but I didn’t let them stray away from the bookcase, not for a second.    
“Yes -- No… that’s… that’s different. I could have stopped her. It wasn’t something that _had_ to happen. It wasn’t something that couldn’t be cured.”  
“But what if it really was something that you couldn’t cure… what if it was bound to happen, if not that day, then another…?”  
“Then no! Okay? I wouldn’t have wanted her to distance herself from me… No matter how much less it would have hurt if she _did_ do it… if she _had_ distanced herself…”  
She leaned her lips slowly towards one of my ears “Because she was worth the pain.” Krystal concluded in a whisper “Love… life… it’s worth _all_ of the pain.” She leaned back again, looking down on me tenderly.  
“And that’s why... that’s why professor Morrie is so optimistic…” I finally agreed, as I moved my eyes from the bookcase and fixated them upwards looking into her eyes.  She softly smiled down at me as she nodded gently.  I had to remember what it really felt like -- what death felt like in a real life scenario that had actually happened to me, in order to grasp professor Morrie’s optimism towards dying. I sighed. “So, I guess I _would_ end up chasing you around everywhere and poking you endlessly…” I continued, as I chuckled softly.  
“Oh, I know you would.” She giggled, as she lowered her lips to peck my forehead. “But I wouldn’t try to distance myself from you if I was dying to begin with, so no need to worry about that.” She finished, as she moved her hands from the side of my face and back towards my hair, stroking it gently. “I’d also chase you around endlessly, until my last breath... if you tried to distance yourself from me because you knew were going to die.”  
“So, it’s worth it.” I pensively said.  
“Morrie is also scared and sad… but he’s optimistic because it’s worth it. Yes.” she resumed.  
“So, I guess I wouldn’t distance myself either… because it’s worth it.” I said, changing my mind.  
“No chasing then?” she asked, still tenderly holding her smile at me.  
“No chasing.” I smiled back, but it quickly faded. It took thinking how I felt when Soyeon died to realize that it’s worth it.  What does that mean?  
  
Do I still have _that_ strong of feelings for her?  
  
I closed my eyes slowly, as I felt her fingers gently brushing through my hair, feeling her fingertips at the root of every strand...  
  
Yet somehow… she’s completely unphased by it.  
  
“What is it?” concern in her voice.  
“Nothing. Why?” I replied, trying to not incriminate myself, though I’m pretty sure my faded smile gave me away. It’s nearly impossible for me to fake anything, as usual.  
“Amber… I know you too well.” Like I said. Nearly impossible.   
  
_'... and I'd never be so in love with anyone... the way I was with her... and then I met you, Krys...'_ That second time I confessed my love to her. I told her... it was greater...  
  
I opened my eyes, letting out a deep sigh, as if my shitty faking took so much out of me. I sat up quickly, and turned to face her.  
“I just want you to know that I love you. That I love you more than anything – than anyone… that I know what love feels like, that I’ve felt it before – I _know_ that this…” I held my hand to my heart “… this is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt… _ever_.” She looked at me confused. “I just need you to know that. You know that, right? Right?” her jaw was slightly dropped, but she then slowly placed her hands on the sides of my face, as if she had suddenly realized she might have missed her queue.  
“Amber… where – where is all of this coming from?” she asked, holding my face still and trying to chase my gaze with hers. I looked down, trying to slightly catch my breath from my rant.  
“I just want you to know.” I said softly.  
“Okay… I know, but still… You got to admit, it’s a bit random and unlike you…” She said with soft chuckle that still mixed itself with worry. Recalling my rant, it _was_ really random. It even sounded as if I was more trying to convince myself rather than her…  
“I just… when you brought up Soyeon… I don’t know…” I said slowly, not entirely sure how to explain it.  Her eyes widened a bit as if she had suddenly realized what I was thinking and feeling. Her hands still at each side of my face, as her thumbs began to gently caress my cheeks.  
“Amber… look at me…” she said tenderly, as I raised my eyes to meet hers. “The only reason I brought her up, is because I knew it’d help you to remember what it really felt like to feel like Professor Morrie… so that you can see that it’s actually not that crazy to feel that optimistic when you know you’re going to die, that it’s not that crazy to want to cling and cling more to something you know you’re going to lose… I only brought it up _only_ so that you could see the right answer.”  
“You mean the answer that I couldn’t see with you...?” I objected.  
“Amber, because you’ve never experienced that feeling with me…”  
“… the answer that I would have just wanted more and more time with her had I known and couldn’t stop it?” I continued speaking over her words. I’m beating myself up. I know. I just had no clue that those feelings were still buried deep under the miracle that Krystal constantly makes me feel. She makes me feel miracle. And I don’t care if miracle isn’t a feeling… there’s just no other word to describe it. The feeling is impossible, therefore… a miracle. Yet somehow… that pain… still there – that longing. Gawd damn it! My gaze raced across the aisle, avoiding her every attempt at eye contact.  
“And that answer is okay with me. Amber…!” she called out my name in a loud and concerned whisper trying to get my attention. My eyes finally landing over her face, as those sad puppies eyes attempted to soothe me.  
“I guess… that answer isn’t okay with me, then.” I said. Moving on wasn’t as easy as it almost felt like.  
“Amber… you don’t have to convince me, or yourself of how big your love is for me in comparison to anyone else. You love me. Period, and that is _all_ that will ever matter to me. What you went through… seeing someone you love leave you in that way… You’re not just going to stop missing and caring for someone that left in that kind of way just by the snap of a finger, Am… and I _know_ that. There are no instruction manuals on that kind of stuff. It’s just going to pan out however it pans out… and I _love_ that I’m panning out with it...”  
“Why?” the word came out with an evident lump in the back of my throat.  
“Because you’re worth it.”  
  
And just like that, magnets. Who the hell keeps planting magnets in our bodies? No, seriously. I really want to know.  
  
Our lips collided without _any_ casualties.  
  
What is it like to kiss Krystal Jung? In my expert opinion, and as someone who’s done it plenty of times now – smirk – Kissing Krystal Jung is like… desperation, but a sweet desperation. Like you’re drowning, but you don’t want to breathe for anything in this world. You don’t want to reach out to the surface, you don’t want a lifesaver, you don’t want a lifeguard, you don’t want a freaking magic dolphin – you just want to drown and die over her lips, over and over again…  
  
…that’s what it’s like to kiss Krystal Jung.  
  
Soyeon definitely _was_ worth it. She really was. Soyeon was worth the pain. My princess, on the other hand – my princess was worth the wait. She was worth _all_ of that pain… _plus_ the wait, altogether.  
  
Her lips parted softly away from mine, as both of our eyes slowly opened. Our vision was a haze, but our pupils found each other. I felt one of her hands leave the side of my face and make its way towards a strand of hair that had fallen just above my eyebrow. She brushed it to the side gently with her fingers.  
  
“So… do you forgive me?” her lips spoke, the air coming from in between them tickling my own lips.  
“I don’t know what I’m forgiving you for, but I forgive you. I’ll forgive you for anything and everything.” I said in a chuckle, still drunk from her kiss.  
She smiled softly. “For bringing it up, and…”  
“No, no… you were right. I… I wouldn’t have gotten it otherwise -- the right answer. It’s okay… really.” I interrupted her, as I brought my hands over hers that were still over my face. I lowered both of our hands down to my lap, as I tried to regain my composure. It was difficult enough already with her kiss, let alone her hands still caressing my face. “I need to get to that point where I can speak about her without it having to hurt… as much… you know? Accepting that it hurts… and you accepting that for me… I couldn’t ask for more. You – you’re just too amazing.” I scoffed into a smile, as I bit my bottom lip tenderly. She nodded assertively, and leaned in to kiss my forehead. I blushed, as my eyes shifted to the side.  
“You know… you’re very shy sometimes when it comes to me taking care of you – and when I say ‘taking care of you’ I mean it in more ways than one.” she smirked as she again leaned back to look at me.  
“I am? No I’m not.” I shyly chuckled.  
“Umm… yeeeah… you are. Like… just now when I kissed your forehead… or earlier when I was… in control?” her smirk grew.  
  
[I'm a girl, am I not? ](http://www.soompi.com/2015/03/06/amber-reveals-that-she-gets-hurt-easily-when-people-mistake-her-for-a-boy/)  
  
“Umm well… I’m still a girl, you know? People kinda forget that, see me on the outside and right away think I’m some tough person. I’m actually pretty easily hurt, and pretty easily embarrassed when it comes to _... certain things_? Sometimes I manage to put up a good poker face… not with you though, clearly.”  
“Oh yeah?” she teased me, as she placed her hands on each side of my arms and began to lead me to turn back around, so I could lie my head back on her lap as we were before.  
“Yup. I’m apparently an open book for you.”  
“That’s good then, since I love to read.” She said. I chuckled at her response, as she went along with my analogy.  
“ _That_ I can tell, you hella love to read.”  
“Using ‘hella’ again? I thought you finally lost that habit.” She teased me as she giggled.  
“I know, man. I’m forgetting my L.A. flow! I’ve been in So K for too long. I think you, Min and Henry are the only reason I haven’t forgotten English. Period.” I laughed lightly.  
“Glad to know that I’m part of keeping you tied to home.” she slid her fingertips down to each of my ears, slowly tracing them down the boarder until reaching my earlobes, where she began to play with my several earrings.   
“To home? Nah. To English? Yes. You’re my home now. F(x) is my family.” I said, as I slowly closed my eyes and a content smile traced over my face.

Her hands slid down from my earlobes and wrapped theirselves around my neck, but resting slightly over my collarbone, as she lowered herself to meet her lips with mine. She levitated them there, barely grazing them against my own. I could feel her gentle smile against mine, and at that moment, a library never felt so sublime.  
“But yeah… I am ‘hella’ a book whore.” She said, teasing my ‘hella’, and pulling herself back quickly, placing herself against the bookcase again.  
“Tease.” I said jokingly, with my eyes still shut. “A writing whore, a piano whore… what else? I’m just making sure I got it all down, and that I ‘know’ you... -- remember?” I chuckled.  
She giggled lightly. “I remember. I think that’s about it, in a very small nutshell.”  
“What about me? What kind of whore am I?” I asked, as I opened my eyes to look up at her.  
“You’re a whore of many trades… a guitar whore, a taekwondo whore, a basketball whore, and now a skateboard whore? Anything I missed?” she said with a light laugh.  
“Hmm... more or less…”  
“Though, how come I’ve never seen you skateboard or mention it up until today?” she asked.  
“Because…!” I said in a joking whiny tone “...I hadn’t had the time or money to buy a skateboard here yet. A good board is pricey. I was going to do it today, but here comes Miss Princess Book Whore to ruin my plans.” I teased her. She pinched the side of my neck gently with one of her hands, as they were still both wrapped around it.  
“Owwiee.” I said, faking pain. She gave me a death glare, and I quickly pouted innocently, letting her know I’d be good. She then rubbed gently over where she pinched me.  
“So.” she said, with an air of royalty. “Do you prefer skateboarding or basketball?”  
“Gah… that’s a hard one… basketball is fun, competitive – it’s definitely a troll game where you’re faking and outsmarting your opponent, and I love that. I _love_ messing with people.” I mischievously laughed at myself, as I saw Krystal shaking her head down at me in shame, giggling at me.  
  


  
  
  


  
“Oh... but skateboarding, though? It’s like flying on wheels. There’s no purpose to it. It’s just chill, you know? You don’t do it to win, you just do it for the feeling… the feeling of the wind just blowing against your face, the feeling of that vibration under your feet from the wheels gliding against the concrete… that feeling of risk – I mean you gotta _bond_ with that board. You’re not physically attached to it like roller blades or secured in it like a bike. So, you can easily fall at any time, but if you really bond with it… it really almost feels as if you’re glued to it. You gotta trust your board, and take that risk. That’s why you can’t just get _any_ board, and that’s why I wanna buy them together. It's gonna be fun... you know? Looking for a board together that we can bond with.” Krystal grinned, a grin that grew bigger as she heard me speak.  
  
“You’re going to buy it for me, right?” she giggled.  
“Of course. Like I buy every other thing for you, your highness.” I chuckled, as I brought my hands over hers that were still wrapped around my neck and rested over my collarbone.  
“So, you’re a skateboard whore, and I’m the book whore.” She concluded, as it seemed these were the two things we enjoyed doing the most, right after our careers of course.  
“I guess so, yeah.” Because, I guess we both realized that I had just talked about skateboarding in the same way she talked about reading.  
“Just when I thought there was nothing else to learn about you… or that there was nothing else for you to learn about me.” She chuckled softly.  
“Yeah, and I’m sure there’s a lot more… Like I said, I like knowing you.” I chuckled back at her.  
“Same…” she smiled. _“There is a space inside of me that is empty, for all of you that I do not know…”_  
“Whoa… another one of your poems? Well, at least it sounded pretty poetic-y.” I said.  
She shook her head shyly. “Not this time. It’s from this German poet that I used to read a lot…”  
“Tell me more… do you know it off the top of your head?” I asked, desperate to hear her recite poetry. I know it sounds super duper corny, but I felt no shame when it came to her. I wanted it all from her: the silly, the corny, the dark, the sexy… I wanted it all.  
She shyly nodded. “I’m so weird, I know… I memorized the whole thing…” she giggled shyly, as she turned her head towards the bookcase, unable to cover her face with her hair since her hands were still wrapped around my neck.    
“No…! Not at all! Come on, recite it.” I chuckled as I encouraged her.  
She turned her head back towards me, pursed in her lips and nodded lightly.  “ _Will I forget?_ ” her demeanor suddenly changed, that possession again… just as that time when I found her sitting at the corner of her bed, desperately writing into her diary in the middle of the night… it’s like something else takes a hold of her… She’s no shy girl. She’s no shy girl at all. “ _And if something comes to me much later, and reminds me of this: I will ask puzzled…: When? – Could life mean: to forget that I once possessed the bliss without shackles, unlimited, on an only day, that so rapidly flowed, and that your very being threw itself into mine straight from your eyes, when I was barely beginning to look at you? I know nothing more about you; only that you had to come at any cost… and that there is a space inside of me that is empty, for all of you that I do not know._ ”  
A much greater silence overtook that sublime library. My thumbs tenderly caressed her hands that were still rested upon my collarbone. I then took one of her hands in mine, slowly guiding it in between my small breasts… I held it there tightly, pressed against my chest – and I spoke…  
“Here, as well… there are empty spaces.”  
She rushed her lips towards mine, silencing me with a passionate upside down kiss…  
  
“So… can I be in control again?” she asked, as she slowly crawled down towards in between my legs with a smirk planted over her face. “I didn’t really get to do the whole shebang back at the library.” She had me lying on my back again… this time on her bed. We had made our way back home, heated still from our previous kiss. The weekend had felt like a honey moon. There was an infestation of butterflies in our stomachs, and our hands were glued to each other’s bodies… I felt the blush fill up my face again… but I couldn’t deny her the honor. She had already taken her turn at seeing me climax… and now it was her turn to taste me, just as I had tasted her several times before. I nodded slowly, trying to pace my breathing. She slowly reached her hands upwards at the button on my pants, but I met my hands with hers as I quickly undid them myself this time instead. “Impatient much?”  she said with a giggle.  
“Shut your face.” I jokingly replied back with a nervous chuckle. Nervous? Yes. I’m not used to not being in control. As a matter of fact… after I lost my virginity with Soyeon… I never _once_ was not in control. Krystal though… she’s a whole other animal, capable of opening doors I thought I never had.  
  
Before I knew it, my pants and underwear were already draped over the floor. Krystal had yet made a move, though – except for pulling the covers over her head to cover herself and my cold legs. She looked up at me, as if looking for some kind of guidance… Masturbating someone? She does it to herself, so that’s a no brainer. Eating… uhhh licking someone else... down there? Not really something she’s done before. But hey… I taught her how to kiss. How hard can this be? Right? This is going to be really awkward, isn’t it?  
  
Still looking at me, giggling. “So…” she shyly said, as she gave me a vocal signal this time to, again, give her some kind of guidance... and there I was, still stuck in my head when...  
  
“Krystal, you forgot your ear-buds in the…” a quick few knocks hit her door, as the knob then turned – slowly is what it seemed like to me, but in reality it all happened quite fast. “… dance… room…” Jessica’s voice paused in shock, as she stood at the entrance of Krystal’s dorm room.  
   
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
 **Notes:**  
  
I'm an asshole. =D  
OKAYBYE!  
  
Also: The poem referenced, is actually not mine for a change. The German poet is Rainer Maria Rilke, and all credit to this genius.


	17. Unsteady

_Unsteady_

  
[ ](https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12642953_10205820471137493_8826443437538305262_n.jpg?oh=cd3adc86182f26d4b029b8a992322f79&oe=576DA543)

 

One Month Later (Present Day)   
  


[F(x) - "Rainbow"](https://youtu.be/fZSDXG6IMVA)   
  


“I can’t believe… how good… you’ve gotten...” my words were mixed into the gasp that had just escaped my lips, as I untangled my fingers from Krystal’s hair. I simultaneously and slowly opened my eyes, and all they could see was… rainbow?  

I felt her smirk over my inner lips in response to my comment, as she raised herself slowly from in between my legs. She took my hands in hers, and she began raising them upwards against the bookcase – the bookcase that she had me standing up against. My vision was so blurred – in such a good way – that the different colors plastered on the spine of each book surrounding us, it all seemed like a rainbow. “...And I still can’t believe you actually got a tattoo…” she said -- her lips had made their way to my inner arm where she began raining small kisses over my tattoo, as she continued to slowly slide my hands even more upwards.

“Well, yes. But not anywhere near the vicinity you just came up from…” I teased, recalling the event that triggered my tattoo idea. The back of my hands were stumbling against the bottom of every book in their way, causing some to fall onto the floor, but the fog of what just happened made us both completely unphased by it.  Once our hands both finally reached above my head, she unoccupied one of her hands to place them under my face, and with a swift move she turned my dizzy head to face her fully. “Taste it…” she whispered to me in a disguised desperation, as she pressed her lips against mine. At the moment she kissed me, that’s when I came back from the mind-blowing orgasm she had just given me with her tongue. As if she had released me from her spell… only to place me in another one. I bit her bottom lip as her lips started to slip away from mine -- a familiar bite, as a smirk drew over her lips slowly.

“You’ve made it a habit to have me taste myself over your lips, haven’t you?” I asked, our lips still only centimeters apart. She nodded slowly as she held in a small giggle. I released my hands from above my head, placing them on both sides of her face as I pulled her in for an even more passionate kiss. Her hands wrapped around my neck, as I moved us both to press her back against the bookcase behind her, deciding to take back control… though I hate to admit it… I like it  _so_  much more when she has it.  
  
  
  


One Month Ago  
  
“Unnie…!” Krystal said, in a shocked voice that she forced to get to normality towards the end, as she made her way from out of the covers in the most natural way possible. “Oh my gawd! Thanks! I would have been looking for these like crazy later.” Krystal hastily placed a smile over her face, as she took the ear-buds from in between Jessica’s hands – hands that were frozen still from the shock. I understood what Krystal was trying to go for.  Act natural, right? It isn’t what it looks like, right? I suppose it’s easier to try that angle when you’re not lying in bed half naked under the sheets… well, that’s what I’m guessing it is. That, and Krystal is clearly just a much better liar than me.  
“Umm… yeah… what exactly – what the hell is going…” Jessica was slowly coming back from her shock-like state to protest to what was  _clearly_  going on.  
“Oh! Amber got a tattoo. She was showing me.” Krystal quickly interrupted her.  
“I did…?” I couldn’t see it, but I felt it. My face felt like someone just threw a bucket of whiteout all over it. I was blankly staring, frozen from pure fear. I gulped to get a grip, regained composure, and pulled out the most natural look I could fathom. “I did.” I affirmed, as I attempted to make eye contact with Jessica.  
“Showing you… under the sheets…?” Jessica’s eyes bounced from Krystal to me, from me to Krystal – rapidly.    
“It…! -- It’s a glow in the dark tattoo.” I continued. “It’s  _hella_  sick. I just came back from getting it, actually.” or, more like I just came back from ‘ _getting it’_  from Krystal.  _All_  of the puns intended.  
  
  
  


One Month Later (Present day)  
  
She slides her hands from around my neck and down towards my small breasts, cupping them both tenderly over my shirt. Her lips trace away from my lips and down towards my chin. “I wasn’t done…” she growls, as she tenderly bites my chin, and slams my back up against the bookcase behind me. My lips released a breathless chuckle. Even when I wanted to be in control… that wasn’t a privilege I had with her anymore. Even my own control was in her control, and  _my gawd_  … I wasn’t even complaining. She had gotten so confident ‘under the sheets’, but I should have seen it coming. I mean, come on… our first sexy time ever was her climaxing _right under_ me… It’s definitely a fact now: the quieter ones are definitely the worst, and I mean that in every amazing definition of the word 'worst'.  
“You’re so mean to me, princess…” I said in a whimper, as my lips chased after hers. She made sure to keep her lips away from mine, tracing them all over my chin, my jaw-line, and all the way to my earlobes and back… again and again – teasing me endlessly, as she pressed her body against mine even more. My hands grasped onto the bookshelves to keep balance.  
“Well… you need to behave…” her lips whispered into my ear, as her hands roamed from my breasts all the way down my stomach as slow as she could possibly do it. Who would have thought that I would have found myself in the  _exact_  same position that I had her in at the lifeguard tower? “…then I won’t have to be so mean…” she finished, making me bite my bottom lip  _hard_  .  It was the only way to refrain myself from misbehaving again, and she wouldn’t like that one bit.  
“I’ll be a good servant… I… pro—promise…” two of her fingers slid right in me, as her other hand made its way under my shirt and back to cupping one of my breasts. I love the shape my small breasts would take underneath her palms; they molded and fit almost perfectly.  The palm of her other hand cupped my throbbing clit – still sensitive from her tongue – as she went into me deeper.  
“A good slave…?” she said in preference, as she grazed her lips from my earlobe and onto my neck.  
“I swear…” I begged, as she curved her fingers into me harshly… and I was enjoying every bit of it. I sunk my face into the crevice of the side of her neck, muffling my moans.  
  
  
  


One Month Ago  
  
Jessica’s eyes were still full of shock. She wanted to believe what we were saying, but let’s be real… she’s not an idiot. She nodded awkwardly and slowly, turning around to leave the room as she closed the door behind her. “Oh my gosh! She’s going to  _kill_  me!” I whispered loudly. Krystal fanned her hand at me signaling me to keep quiet, as she placed her ear against the door to make sure Jessica was gone for sure. I hastily scrunched up all of the sheets towards my lower body to cover myself, as I stepped off the bed to grab my pants and underwear.  
“Okay, I think she’s gone…” Krystal said as she turned to look at me, busting out into a giggle as she saw me holding the sheets up to my crotch with one hand, and picking up my underwear with the other hand. “Amber, what are you doing?” she continued to giggle as she placed the ear-buds around her neck, and began walking over towards me to give me a hand.  
“I’m gonna get dressed, go to an ATM, take out everything in cash, and escape the country.” I said with a very straight face, which only made her laugh further.  
“I meant, why are you covering yourself? I’ve already seen you naked, stupid.” She said, as she placed her hand on my hand that was holding up the sheets, slowly trying to move it to the side. I quickly covered myself once again.  
“Why am I covering myself? Are you kidding me? What if she comes back? What if she heard -- saw…?” I was panicking. Noticing how I wasn’t budging and clearly about to have a nervous breakdown, she brought her hands to each side of my face, letting her thumbs caress my cheeks tenderly.  
“Amber… relax…” she said softly. “Learn to laugh at yourself, remember? You told me…”  
“We were too careless… we were too turned on or something, I don’t know... We should have locked the door... we should have…” she pressed her lips against mine suddenly, and my wide eyes slowly closed. My forehead was still wrinkled to no end, but she got me to shut up.  So, I guess that’s a start. She pulled away slowly.  
“Calm. Down.” She said.  
“Krystal…” I said calmly. “Your sister  _is_  going to kill me.” My eyes fixated into hers.  
“Amber, Jessica has no clue...  _why_  are you so afraid of her?”  
“No clue. No clue?” I scoffed. “You’re kidding right now, right? Don’t you remember how she was looking at us in the dance room?”  
“I’m pretty sure we were bouncing our own paranoia unto her because we almost got caught.” Brainy Jung explained.  
“What? Okay, clearly you’re a good liar, but I forget you’re just as  _clueless_  as me.  Jessica  _knows_ , okay? And this? What she just saw? It’s a confirmation of it 100%, and now she’s going to kill me because she freaking warned me…  _fuck_  …” I said, removing myself from in between her hands and continuing to pull up my underwear.  
“Wait… she  _warned_  you? Jessica warned you? How and when?” Krystal asked a bit confused, as she took a few steps back to get a better look at me. I finished pulling up my pants, buttoning them up, as I looked up to face her with a sigh. I accidentally spilled the beans in the midst of my panic.  
“After she heard our first radio interview, after the concert… she told me to stay away from you…” I said softly, as Krystal still held her confused face. “… to keep it ‘solely’ professional or whatever…”  
“Is that – was that during the time you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend, but then you didn’t…?” she asked, as she began to put the pieces together.  
“Umm… yeah… I…”  
“I thought you were having second thoughts because of what happened with Soyeon… Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“And it  _was_  because of what happened with Soyeon.  Krys, you and your sister already had a strained relationship; I didn’t want to make it worse. I was trying to – I don’t know… help? But it wasn’t  _just_  because of your sister. She just got me thinking, that’s all -- like… she was doing it to protect you, and I wanted to protect you, too… because I didn’t want a repeat of Soyeon…” I tried explaining. “And I told you this… I just didn’t want you to know your sister had anything to do with it.”  
“To protect me? She doesn’t want to protect me. She just wants to control me… I  _told_  you this, Amber.”  She said in a frustrated sigh. “I can’t believe she was the one to put that into your head… They just want me to be the image that  _they_  want. If I want a different image, then that is  _my_  business,  _not_  theirs… And I’m not Soyeon, Amber. I told you this, too.”  
“I know that… I know that now. I should have told you… I’m sorry.”  
“It’s fine…” She lowered her head pensively, fidgeting with her lips as she always does. Just thinking about them budging into her career – her life – it really got to her. She’s right, though… She isn’t like Soyeon. She  _is_  up for it. She is up for us and for whatever gets thrown at us, and it was none of her family’s business. It wasn’t  _anyone’s_  business. This was  _her_  career, not theirs. Aside from that, though – that still didn’t help me much with not getting killed. “So… because she already suspected, you think now she knows…?” Krystal asked looking back up at me.  
“That day when I first met her, she told me that she knew about our little ‘cover up’, and that she knew it was bull crap. And now…? With what just happened…? She definitely knows.”  
“Maybe not…” she objected.  
“ _You_  under the covers, in between my legs, and my pants and underwear on the floor doesn’t exactly scream ‘glow in the dark tattoo’, Krystal. She’s not an idiot, no matter how good you played it off – or  _we_  played it off.”  
“No… but, denial is a very strong feeling. If she doesn’t want to believe it, or want it to happen, then she’s more likely to believe any excuse we tell her. I’ll just have to talk to her again… to make sure.”  
“Okay, and what if you’re wrong? What if when you talk to her, she tells you ‘hey, I know that you’re super duper down with the rainbow… literally’, what then? Can I get like some kind of guarantee that she isn’t going to murder me or something?” I asked. She nudged my shoulder.  
“Amber… she isn’t going to kill you, my gawd.” She said rolling her eyes with a light chuckle, as she walked passed me to place the ear-buds on her desk. “Look, if she  _does_  know, it’s no big deal. I’ll just tell her straight away what I’ve told you before: that this is my career, and my life, and she and our perfect little Jung family can just deal with it. I don’t care about living up to their expectations or being ‘perfect’ like Jessica. I have my own expectations… and I will stick to that time and again.” She proudly said, as she turned around to lean her back against her desk. I simultaneously turned around to face her.  
“So… I guess that’s a ‘no’ to the guarantee…?” I said with a blank stare, as she raised her hand playfully to nudge on my shoulder again. I flinched, and she stopped.  
“And also… to tell her to not tell my parents.” She said under her breath, in a much less confident tone. I puffed out my lips, looking around the room awkwardly as I moved myself back and forth with the tip of my toes. “I’m not quite ready yet to… face them about… you know… my – uhh…”  
“The ‘it’s your own life, your own expectations, get out of my business…’ type thing…?” I helped her finish.  
“Exactly.” She said as she lowered her head, suddenly feeling a little uneasy about the idea.  
“Krys…” I lowered my head to meet my eyes with hers “…you don’t have to put up a front to prove me wrong. It’s okay to feel scared about this. Coming out is never easy… and owning it after you’ve come out is even harder.” I tried to comfort her. “You won’t deal with it how Soyeon dealt with it… but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel the same things… I still feel it. A lot. So, you can tell me when you’re feeling it. Just don’t ever feel it alone. We can feel it together.” I tipped my toes forward to peck her lips softly. She nodded pensively.  
“I know. I know.” She raised her head back up, giving me a light smile. I slowly returned a similar smile.  
“Plus, if all goes wrong, we can just go with my plan and escape the country.”  
She raised an eyebrow as she shook her head at how I still continued with my joke.  
“Shut up, stupid.” She jokingly said, as she glomped me unto the bed.

  
[ ](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m73dt77Oy81r8svfeo1_250.gif)

 

One Month Later (Present Day)   
  


**Snoopy Says**  :

_“Late again? Where are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?”_   
  


“Your male clone is texting you again.” Krystal said with a chuckle, as she showed me the screen on my phone. We were making our way back to the dorms from the library. Krystal and I had made it a habit to listen to each other’s music whenever we made our way back from our now constant getaways. We decided that after what happened with Jessica in the dorms, aisle Dexter was actually a much safer place to quench our thirst in.  
“He is  _not_  my male clone.” I said, as I chuckled at his text.  
“He is, and he interrupted the next song.” She jokingly pouted. “Do you guys really have to play basketball every week?” she took back my phone, unpausing the started track.  
“Does Sulli have to kidnap you almost every night for ‘talks’?”  
“She’s my forever soul mate. It’s not my fault.” She refuted.  
“If she’s your soul mate, then what does that make me?” I whined, turning to her with a small pout.  
“You… are my servant, and I like it that way…” she turned to me with a smirk, playfully holding up my chin with one of her fingertips, pretending she was about to kiss me but then quickly pulled away.  
>_> “Unreal…” I said under my breath.  
“Is this your voice…?” her forehead wrinkled, as she looked down to my screen to see what song was playing.  
  
[Demo - "I Just Wanna"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TN_E8IHjjo)  
  


I leaned in to look at the screen… Playing basketball has  _not_ been  _at all_ what Henry and I’ve been doing every week, that’s for sure.  
My princess’s birthday was coming up, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do for her. I wanted to write her a song, just as she did for me. A song about how we fell in love. A song that would come solely from me; and Henry and his buddy Genneo had been helping me put it together. Genneo is one of his pianist/guitarist buddies, and we have been meeting up every week up ‘till today.  Though, I do have to admit that my song hasn’t exactly always been the main focus…  
  
[Trolling Henry ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYExHqyOyk8)  
  


… we’ve tried for it to be, though. I swear. Mostly, we’ve been bullying Henry. It’s our sworn duty as his friends to do so. I had no say in this. I didn’t. I really didn’t. Okay, I did. It’s  _a lot_  of awesome.

“You. Cannot. Listen to that… yet, at least.” I snatched my phone from her hand as quickly as possible. I totally had forgotten I placed a demo on my track list. I handed her back her phone in exchange.  
“Amber, are you kidding me? It sounds amazing. Did you write it?” she turned to face me, beginning to walk backwards in front of me.  
“I plead the fifth.”  
“And here I thought you said you couldn’t really write songs and stuff like that.” she became giddy, as she continued to try and get an answer out of me.  
“I guess I just never tried… ‘Beautiful Stranger’ was my gateway drug.” I hinted to tease her.  
“So you  _did_  write this?”  
“Ahhhh I never said that.”  
“Ambeeeeeer, you should totally put this in our next album… it sounds really good. Well, at least what I got to hear…” she said as she nudged my shoulder softly, returning back to my side.  
“Ambeeeeeer…” I mocked her. “You know, one of these days my shoulder is going to fall off, and you’re going to feel horrible.” I said jokingly.  
“I’ll have the second shoulder, so it’s okay.” She said in a serious tone, but still joking.  She then wrapped her hand around one of my arms, leaning her head to rest on my shoulder.   
“We’re almost at the dorms, move! Shoulder killer!” I pushed her away jokingly.  
  


“There she is! Finally!” Henry exclaimed, as he saw me make my way into his dorm, throwing a pillow at me from where he sat in front of his laptop. Genneo was sitting right next to him, holding his guitar.  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry I’m late.” I said, as I caught the pillow like a basketball pass, and pretended to bounce it on the floor.  
“Ber is having basketball withdrawal symptoms.” Genneo commented, as he chuckled watching me with the pillow.  
“Seriously, Am… why do you keep going to the library in your free time when you could be shooting some hoops? You don’t even like to read.” Henry added.  
My bros, they knew about me and Krystal already… but nobody knew about our getaways. No one will  _ever_  know about that.  
“Well… Krystal likes to read, so…” I said.   
*Cough* “Pussy-whipped…” *cough* Henry teased me.  
“And proudly. Whatever.” I messed up Henry’s hair, as I pulled up a chair to sit in between them. “You’re just jelly because you’re still single, even though you flirt with a different girl like every hour.” I teased him.  
“Okay, now you’re just exaggerating.” He defended himself jokingly.  
“Alright, let’s mix this up.” Genneo said, as he began connecting the recording microphone.  
“Actually… Krystal  _accidentally_  heard the demo I put on my phone…” I said.  
“Really?” Henry exclaimed.  
“I forgot I placed it there!” I defended myself, feeling slightly ashamed nonetheless. They had been working so hard with me on recording this song, despite of all of our tight schedules.  
“Dude… it’s not a surprise if it’s not a surprise. Gifting the Ladies 101.” Henry jokingly explained. Genneo nodded slowly in agreement.  
“I know, I know…” I sighed “On my way here, I was thinking that I’d just have to gift her something else in surprise, in  _addition_  to the song.”  
“Okay, so the song is still on. Let’s do this then.” Genneo added.  
“That’s the other thing… she heard it and suggested that maybe I should try and present this song to our manager, so we can put it on our next album.”  
“That… is not possible.” Henry laughed.  
“Why not? It’s not as good as she says it is, huh?” I asked, I knew she was just being nice.  
“No, no… that’s not it at all… it’s really good, actually. But dude… ‘come on, baby girl’? – unless you’re planning on coming out with this song…” Henry insinuated.  
“Well, that’s not really a problem.” Genneo budged in “We can re-record those parts with ‘come on, baby boy’ and that should pretty much do it… I think…” he explained, as he squinted his eyes looking at the lyrics on the screen.  
“Sure… an extremely straight forward girl… with a guy…” Henry shrugged.  
“Hey, nothing wrong with that.” I exclaimed. “I think it’ll work. It’ll make Krystal happy that I took on her suggestion.”  
“Let’s do it.” Genneo casually said with a shrug.  
“I’m telling you, ‘baby boy’ is going to sound weird.” Henry continued.  
“It will  _not_.” I asserted.

It did.

We decided to make the song a duet… certain parts simply were just not  _traditionally_  meant to be sung by a girl.  
  
  
  


One Month Ago  
  
“Soojung!” Jang approached Krystal, surprised to see her on SNSD’s stage. Girl’s Generation had taken their rehearsals from the dance room to the actual stage where they’d be having their next performance. Krystal knew that this was the easiest way she’d be able to have a chance to speak to her. The schedules of the girls from SNSD were  _no_  joke. “What are you doing here?” he asked, soon after embracing her in a friendly hug.  
“I just got done with our exercising classes, so I figured I’d stop by to see unnie during my break. You know we rarely get to see each other nowadays.” She politely bowed after the embrace, explaining her sudden appearance.  
“The Jung sisters making an effort to see each other? Now  _that_ is rare. Not bickering as much as usual?” Jang teased, as he placed his hand behind her back, slowly leading her to where Jessica stood stretching.  
“I guess not being able to see each other as often has had a positive effect on that.” Krystal chuckled softly. Jessica turned around at the sound of Krystal’s voice. Krystal smiled shyly at her.  
“Well, I’m glad to hear that. Your parents should be proud.” He smiled and bowed at the both of them as he stepped away.  
“I don’t assume you’re here to get advice.” Jessica said, continuing to stretch nonchalantly.  
“I was just hoping we could talk… I guess…” Krystal tried to seem confident, but straddled in the end.  
“Talk?” Jessica scoffed. “What is there to talk about?”  
“Nothing?” Krystal said a bit confused. “I guess, nothing. Never mind.” She said, a bit more cheerfully. She knew Jessica had no clue, and that Amber was just paranoid. “Good luck on your performance, unnie.” She said, as she turned to walk away.  
“Wait.” Jessica said, in a more serious tone. “I know you didn’t just come here to wish me good luck… I know what you came here to talk about. Not here.” Jessica finished. Krystal froze; taking a deep breath in.  
  
Jessica closed the door behind them, as they both sat down in front of the mirrors in the dresser rooms of the theater.  They both stared into the mirrors, looking at each other’s reflections. “End it.” Jessica said bluntly.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Krystal muttered in a soft scoff. Jessica spun her chair to face her.  
“I’m not an idiot, Krystal.” Jessica said, and at that moment, Amber’s voice simultaneously popped into her head.

 _“… She’s not an idiot…”_  
  
“I knew it… from the moment I saw your face react to what she said on that stage. I didn’t want to believe that  _you_  … were like that, too. What you have with her, end it.” Jessica said sternly, but it almost seemed like a plead.

“Like  _that_  ? Like what? What do you mean by ‘like that’?”  
Jessica sighed in annoyance. “Gay. Krystal, do we really have to say it out loud? You know what I am talking about.”  
“No. I don’t, because I am  _not_  gay. I am bisexual, actually.” Krystal stated, trying to force confidence into her voice once again. She felt she needed to begin to take control of the conversation as fast as possible. She had already lost the leverage she thought she had.  
“Bisexual? Really? Well, Bisexual or not, you’re still with  _her_  . And you two could  _not_  be more obvious. I’ve seen the fan-cams… and it’s only going to get worse.” Jessica explained.  
“The fan-cams are  _not_  that bad, and I know this. I  _am_  being careful. I’m not going to let your fear of me dirtying the  _precious_  Jung name keep me from being with  _Amber_  … she’s not just  _her_  .” Krystal defied.  
“Krystal, you’re not just breaking a dating rule here… not only will a relationship be hard to juggle, but do you know what happens to an idol who is like  _this_  and they get found out? Why don’t you go ahead and ask Kim Ji-hoo… oh wait… you can’t. He’s dead. Everything was taken away from him -- his career was  _ruined_  . You may think you’re being careful, but I’ve been in this business far longer than you to know that the media  _will_  catch up to you… it’s just a matter of time.” Jessica urged.  
“Well then, let  _me_  worry about that. I’ll deal with the consequences if this  _monster_  media ever catches up to me… gawd! I wish I could just change my last name already. That way you wouldn’t have to worry about me tarnishing your stupid precious name.” Krystal stood up from the chair, beginning to pick up her purse to leave. Jessica sighed in defeat, becoming frustrated. Krystal turned around to face her again quickly, remembering her main concern. “Are you planning on telling mom and dad?”  
“Now, why would I do that? Giving them disappointing news has always been  _your_  job, not mine.” Jessica said coldly.  
“I hate you… and don’t  _ever_ tell Amber to stay away from me ever again…” Krystal said angrily and hurt, as she stood at the door holding back her tears. She wanted to slam the door badly, but contained herself trying to be professional. She walked out abruptly, but closed the door slowly, as she wiped away her tears and left the building unseen.

  
  


One Month Later (Present Day)   
  
I knocked on Krystal’s door lightly, Sulli coming to answer as usual.  
“Hyung!” Sulli said cheerfully, as she embraced me in a quick hug.  
“Sup!”  
“Yo!” she replies, with a little more attitude.

  
  
  


“Ah… I’ve taught you well, little bro.” Sulli was definitely like a younger brother to me, and the sister I wish Krystal had. Things would be so much easier. She was the most adorable maknae in the group, and begged to be cradled. I loved taking care of her whenever I had the chance, whenever Krystal wasn’t around to do that. Sulli made her way back to her desk where she was seen looking through her schedule for tomorrow on her laptop. Krystal was sitting at her desktop in front of her laptop, ear-buds in, surfing through the web. Probably why she couldn’t hear me at the door. I made my way closer to her chair, as I placed my hands over her eyes from behind.  
“Guess who?” I said, as I placed my chin on her shoulder to whisper near her ear. She reached her hand to remove one of her ear-buds.  
“An annoying servant Llama.” She replied, slightly annoyed that I interrupted.  
“Eeeeeehh! Wrong!” I removed my hands, and turned my face towards her cheek giving it a quick and playful peck. “An annoying, and  _sexy_  servant Llama. You can never forget the sexy part.” I grinned widely as I leaned my back on her desk. She shook her head and rolled her eyes with a soft chuckle.  
“I’m guessing you being here means you’re done with your little basketball session?” She asked, keeping her eyes on the screen. I nodded as I curiously turned my head to see what she was so intensely browsing.  
“You’re on our tag  _again_  ?” I asked, surprised but with a light chuckle. Recently, she’s increasingly been looking at our ‘kryber’ tag more and more – almost obsessively. I mean, I get it. I have to look at it every now and then, too. I’m guessing the news we got recently might be making her a bit more anxy about it.  
“I was just curious to see if what our manager told us is true.” She said.  
“That we’re currently one of the top pairings in K-pop right now, and how he scheduled a photo shoot  _just for us_ tomorrow?” I smirked thinking about what they might have in store for us with these pictures.

  


  
“Doesn’t it worry you, even maybe just a little bit…?” she paused from looking at the screen to look up at me.

“No? It’s just a business thing.” I shrugged. “I’ve been looking at the tags, too… everything seems fine. At least to me. I wouldn’t worry.” I smiled softly trying to comfort her, reaching my hand out to stroke her hair behind her ear. She nodded lightly, placing her hand on mine that was still caught behind her ear, and caressed it gently. She said we’d be enough, but she constantly had me wondering. I’m clueless. I really am. I know this… but I’m also a bit paranoid. It’s either one or the other, I can never actually gauge down any middle ground. So, right now I feel like I’m being paranoid.  What was really going through my princess’s head? No idea, but I felt that it wasn’t good. Maybe it was the irony of it all that didn’t sit well with her. Because if I’m getting this straight – and no pun intended – our relationship makes money when the company doesn’t really want it to… but they _do_ want it to… but they _don’t_ want it to – one of the most subtly homophobic countries in the world really happens to care  _a lot_  about fan service. _That’s_ the irony. This industry strives on fan service for CD sales, merch, concert tickets – you name it. The gayer the skinships, the better. I mean, Super Junior-K fan service is off the charts. No group can get any gayer, honestly. But to have an actual monogamous relationship? Oh hell no! Never that! Anything but that! Really South Korea? _Really?_ But yeah, our manager really did encourage us to show more ‘friendly’ skinship during shows and other public appearances, and scheduled Krystal and I for a ‘couple’ photo shoot. Our public skinships, though, always feel a little awkward -- for me, at least -- because we’re kind of  _forced_  to do it. So, fans are never satisfied. They want the  _natural_  skinships, and in South Korea we don’t really have paparazzis. The fans are what we idols worry about. Fans take on that paparazzi job on their own, and with a fucking passion, too. This is why Krystal and I have to be on top of our tags, in case one of our fans captures us showing some  _actual_  skinship in private where we didn’t know we were being watched. A scandal like that would definitely be the end of us. But… at the same time, we’d also go through the tags to re-post any adorable Kryber posts we’d fine… just to entice the fans... you know? For the good of the business, just as we were told to do.

  
  
One Month Ago  
  
The door of our vocal lessons had opened slowly. It was Krystal, peaking through and quietly walking up to my side. The class was barely about to start. It wasn’t unlike her to be late, but recently it was because of me and she’d have a _huge_ smile on her face. I definitely made sure of that. This time, she hastily smiled at me, as her lips waned back to her fighting back a frown.

“Ddudungie… everything okay?” I whispered.  
“Yeah, why?” again playing that hasty smile. I burned my stare on her, letting her know I didn’t believe that not one bit. She looked up at me, but quickly looked away, as she placed her hand on my cheek turning away my face, playfully. “Nothing. I just talked to Jessica.” She complied.  
“Oh no… should I get my casket ready?”  
“Weh… shhh.” Victoria said, as she flapped her hand in between us both from behind, signaling us to be quiet. Our vocal instructors had begun the class, passing around straws. As soon as I got my hand on one, I turned around to poke Victoria with it teasingly.  
“Weh…” I mocked her as she gave me a jokingly annoyed glare, and Luna who was standing next to Victoria, tapped me on the head with her straw.  
“Respect mother.” Luna said, trying to say it as serious as possible, holding back her giggles. Luna and I both knew we equally annoyed Victoria the most in the group, and enjoyed it. Sulli giggled softly, simply enjoying the entertainment from the background.

“While phonating glides up and down through your ranges, please blow air into the straw.” One of the instructors began explaining, as he finished passing out the rest of the straws to our still considered rookie groups.

“So, does she know?” I continued to pry.  
“No… I told you. It’s fine.” She said quickly, as if trying to get me out of her hairs. “It’s taken care of.”

“The backpressure created by the resistance of the straw, presses down on the  _vocal_ cords and helps decrease puffiness.” The second instructor added.

I didn’t believe her not one bit, but I didn’t want to pressure her into talking about anything she wasn’t comfortable with... Nonetheless, knowing she wasn't opening up to me, it put my stomach in knots. This isn't like her, so it worried me. She told me she wouldn’t let herself to feel anything alone… is she? She said she’d feel it together with me…  
“It hurts more when you keep it inside…” I said. “… you told me that once, by the way.”  
She looked up at me slightly surprised, but looked away quickly, beginning to blow air into her straw.

  
  


One Month Later (Present Day)  
  
So, like I was saying, it was awkward because it was forced – our public skinships. It was forced in a specific kinda way: we forced it to look normal, to not look like how we usually look when we’re behind closed doors. _Damn_ was It hard to hide it. We _tried_ for it to look normal in public. We really did. As a matter of fact, we tried _really_ hard -- almost _too_ hard, but it’s impossible to just even look at Krystal without my feelings pouring out of my eyes... yet we still tried. We really did, and for some reason the more we tried to hide it, the more it showed that we were trying to hide something -- the more _obvious_ it was, and it just made the fans even more suspicious. It even came to a point where we had to act normal even when the cameras  _weren't_  rolling, even when we  _weren't_  in public. The amount of fans that would film us was insane…

  


I had let my back fall unto her bed, waiting for that very much promised nap together.  
“When was this… this doesn’t exactly look like something I shouldn’t be worried about.” She said, as she grabbed her laptop to turn it over to me where I lied on her bed. I turned on my side, squinting my eyes to see.  
“Oh yeah, that was during your first driving lesson – you made me go with you.” I chuckled.  
“Umm… _look_ at us.” She said in a worrisome voice.  
“I’m looking, and I see two tired friends hugging each other playfully.” I squinted my eyes further, noticing her increasing paranoia. She had so many tabs opened all pertaining to us, except for… “Who’s Kim Ji-hoo?” I asked, as she quickly turned her laptop back to its original position. I slowly lied back down on my back.  
“A research paper I’m writing.” She said, furrowing her eyebrows as she fixated her eyes back into her screen. I sighed deeply, but not loudly as I began to close my eyes. Looks like I’d be taking this nap alone.  
  
[Who is Kim Ji-hoo?](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Ji-hoo)  
  


Finally, the day I’ve been waiting for… I grinned to myself widely as I felt the weight in one of my pockets: the substitute birthday gift surprise I had for my Soojungah… It was almost the end of our show. We had been working all day, with not a moment to ourselves. It was a small show. We all stood around our fellow idols as we waited for awards to be announced for the night. I really enjoyed smaller shows like these, because it was easier for me to talk to and meet new people. For some reason, it seemed like Krystal didn’t really feel the same way… I turned to her, but she ignored me, and I had no idea why.

  
[](http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgzdrdfrUa1qgo8xn.gif)   


It was okay, though. When she sees what I got her, I know she’s gonna love it. I wasn’t going to tell her about the song just yet, not until I finished making the changes to it and showed it to our manager. She’s gonna be so psyched if she hears it’s going on our next album.  
“Krys…!” I called out after her, as she made her way towards the corridor past the backstage. Why did it feel like she was avoiding me all of a sudden? “Hey… why are you in such a hurry, loser?” I caught my breath, as I stood in front of her after finally intercepting her path.  
“What? …Stupid…”  
“I have something for you…”

I slowly pulled out the amber and crystal pendants from out of my pocket, holding them both up from the chains.

  


 

“Happy Birthday…” I said with a wide grin. Cameras flashed, as she reacted with a flinch. Not the expression I was hoping for, but… “It’s a crystal and amber pendant, I got us two… so we could match… see? Here, let me…” I walked behind her, to place it around her neck.  
“Amber… wait, stop…” one of her hands raised to stop mine from embracing around her neck -- like an instinct, like an automatic reaction -- as she quickly turned around to face me, and there they were: Puppy eyes. Sad puppy eyes.  
“I don’t get it… what’s wrong?” I scoffed feeling a bit confused, as my hands slowly lowered to my sides... I thought things were going pretty smoothly, and then... that knot came back into my stomach -- twisting and twirling… reminding me of how I should have listened to my gut -- that  _something_  just wasn’t right…  
“I think… I think we need some space, Am…”

Could there had been a flood growing inside of Krystal that I wasn’t aware of… or that I just wanted to pretend wasn’t there...? A small crack now showing, and _this_ that I'm feeling... is just a droplet…?

 

[Unsteady](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjj5Y_-yzzI) 

_"Hold, hold on, hold on to me... 'cause I'm a little unsteady... a little unsteady."_   
  
  


  
**To be continued...**   
  
  


**NOTES:**  
  
Thank you for your patience, and thank you so much for reading always. =) I will try to update again as soon as possible. Please let me know if the time jumps were confusing, or if everything was clear.   
  
The purpose of the time jumps in this chapter was to show the merger between the past and present as to how Krystal got to feel this way. To show that it wasn’t something sudden, but something that had been building up with every event, and that was constantly in the back of her head. Hopefully that was clear LOL First time I do time jumps. Probably the last time this will happen. So, if this was confusing, no worries. Probably won’t happen again. LOL 


	18. Tug of War

_Tug of War_  
  
[ ](http://49.media.tumblr.com/5aba1fe4a7516d5bfcc59c73e155dc46/tumblr_n8c8jarrYV1t01nt3o1_500.gif)

 

There was a perpetual beating sound that was pulling in all of my thoughts, sucking them in like a black hole. My neurons were suffocating -- blacking out into nothingness, as my ability to think just escaped me completely. ‘Space’ she’s saying... space – like the empty spaces readily prepped to be filled with each other, with everything about each other that we still did not know? No… space, like that gravitational pull she has on every single string attached to my soul, as she prepped to exit… as she prepped to graze my heart, puncture my lungs, and pressure my chest – as she prepped to leave shallow my insides.   
  


_And even if they could, even if they felt the same way and wanted to fill that hole... the question would later come up: how can I fill that empty space without damaging any surroundings? How can I enter your soul without grazing your heart, puncturing your lungs, pressuring your chest...?_     
  


What she didn’t do as she walked in… she’ll do as she leaves… Damn it, man! What is this fucking beating sound…? 

“Amber…?” Krystal’s voice was faint under the continuing sound. Her hands rested on my shoulders –  _that’s_  what it is… that beating sound: the pounding of my heart desperately knocking from underneath the skin of my neck, dying to run away… to escape and hide.   
“Yeah...?” I said after the pounding sound finally piped down, as I looked around – feeling as if I had just come back down from a horrible, horrible high. She had pulled me aside, away from the constant traffic of people walking back and forth through the corridor – pulled me aside to a more private area past the backstage, and I didn’t even realize when she did.   
“Did you hear me…?” she lowered her head to level with mine that was hung so low.   
“No… yeah. I can – I can do  _space_  . I’m a  _space_  kind of girl.” I said, with a light laugh. “But umm… can you tell me what the hell is going on here…?” I scoffed, confused to the max as I raised my head to look into her eyes more closely. I wanted to see if my gut would speak to me again, if I could find something –  _anything_  in her eyes that could give me some kind of explanation… in case she didn’t.   
Her hands slid from my shoulders towards my hands accompanied by a small sigh of relief on her part, as she realized I had gotten back from my apparent spacing out.  As her hands reached mine, she took a hold of the pendants, and began looking down at them as she spread them out in the center of her palm.   
“They’re beautiful, Am.” She said, so soft spoken.  She was avoiding answering me right away, which only made me worry more. A crooked smile drew over my face… at least I got a reaction a little closer to what I was expecting when I initially showed her the pendants.   
“I got them custom made… it was a little difficult to find a pendant where the crystal and the amber were both attached to each other…” I explained, with a light chuckle. She smiled faintly, and looked back up at me. Being able to now see her face more clearly... her smile was faint and also sad.   
“Why would you gift me something that you know we could both never wear in public?” she asked.   
“Who said we needed to wear it in public… or wear it period? I mean… this is a gift just for you – just for  _us_  ... for us to enjoy alone. Hang it on your closet door knob for all I care, but just  _have_  it… you know? That’s what really matters.”   
She sighed at my response, as she placed away her pendant in one of her outfit pockets and returned me my own.  “Yeah… I’ll do that…” her gaze lowered slowly “… we should put  _ourselves_  on the closet door knob, too.”   
“Space…” I said reluctantly.  She nodded softly, her gaze still lowered. “Like… going on a break or…?” I ultimately asked, but by how she was acting, it couldn’t possibly be anything less – and even anything less terrified me.   
“No, no… it’s not like that. I just mean like… spend less time together, not be around each other as much… like that – that’s what I mean…” she explained.   
“Spend  _less_  time together? Why would I ever want to spend less time together with you? We already barely get any time alone because of our schedules, and you want to make that  _less_  ? I’m sorry but, I still don’t get it… I mean – why?” I said with a sad demand, wanting a clear answer, wanting a  _reason_  . She suddenly raised her gaze to meet mine.   
“Amber…  _every_  single time a camera flashes, I can’t help but to think that it was to capture us... to film us.  It feels like there’s just more and more eyes on us  _every day_  … and if we want any kind of chance at protecting this relationship then…” her eyes were wide, and full of fear – or paranoia  “… don’t you think we should try and make ourselves more scarce?” I listened to her attentively, scanning her with worried eyes. This whole time – she’s been worried this  _whole time_  and she didn’t tell me… no, wait – she  _did_  try to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen; every single time she would find something on our tags that made her uncomfortable, she would tell me… she would point it out to me and express her fear, and what did I do? I just kept brushing it away nonchalantly, telling her to stop worrying about it. I would just hear her out; I wouldn’t  _listen –_ like  _really_ listen… As her girlfriend and her best friend, I should’ve known to ask further… I just… I just figured it was because of what our manager told us… but, someone isn’t going to just suddenly react like that over some  _publicity_  request… right?   
“This is why you’ve been so obsessively looking through our tags…” I said, as I raised my hands to gently cup each side of her cheeks “… You’ve been paranoid because of what our manager told us, Krys… that’s all…” And here I was… doing it again, trying to reason with her, trying to just brush it off. Wanting things to just be okay quickly… isn’t that what everyone wants? Or maybe just me… maybe just my cowardly self, petrified to be abandoned again, and saying anything and everything to avoid that from happening… at the even slightest sign of it. She sighed softly, as she again lowered her gaze and reached her hands to grab a hold of mine. “… and I told you that I’ve been checking them, too… and I promise you that -- from what I’ve seen so far with this whole ‘Kryber’ thing -- unless people catch us full on kissing each other, there is  _no way_  a scandal can happen.” I finished explaining, as she slowly lowered my hands away from her cheeks. Not once, but twice – twice in one day where she pushes me away, and not jokingly like she usually does.  This wasn’t the playfully hard to get Soojung that I’m used to… this was a Soojung that was purposely and discreetly trying to push me away... I was now sure of it… a Soojung who was purposely keeping feelings away from me… a Soojung who was feeling it by herself, when she said she wouldn’t… and I felt like it was all my fault. It  _is_  my fault.   
“I’m pretty sure if someone captured you giving me crystal/amber pendants… that would be a pretty convincing basis for you and I dating…” she said, her sad puppy eyes turning into a sterner look. I nodded softly as I listened to my gut this time: she  _isn’t_  going to go back on this.  I felt desperate. Comply and apologize, Amber. You were wrong,  _say_  you were wrong… Maybe then…   
“Okay… yeah, I – I guess I can see what you’re saying. I wasn’t really thinking about it at the time… I was just excited to give you the pendants… I’ll – I’ll be more careful next time.” I said.   
“See, that’s the thing, Amber… I don’t  _want_  there to be a next time. That – that  _can’t_  happen again. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She doesn’t want a next time? What does that even mean?   
“No yeah, I get it. I get it. I can’t do that again… out in the open like that… right? That’s what you mean?”  
“More or less…” she nodded with a soft sigh, as she looked back down. She couldn’t even face me; she couldn’t even give it to me straight and clear. There was just too much ambiguity in her words… there has to be something else…  _something_  she’s not telling me.   
“Okay… I’ll – we’ll give each other space…” I wanted to put my hand on her shoulder, but I was afraid she’d push it away again… and I just couldn’t handle three times in one day.  I wanted to touch her shoulder to assure her that I knew she was letting herself feel it alone… and that it was okay. I just wish she would tell me… I would understand. I  _really_  would. I would let her feel it alone if that’s what she needs and wants at the moment. But she wasn’t budging at all, so as much as I hated to agree to her request for space, for right now, it seemed like it was all that I  _could_  do. She wasn’t being herself, and if this would put her more at ease, make her feel more comfortable – maybe even get the chance to have her open up and change her mind once she sees how much it sucks -- then I have to… for her. Because Krystal told me to do it, I  _have_  to… as much as I knew this was going to hurt, because purposely keeping myself away from her when know I that  _can_  be with her, is pretty much the best definition I can think of for hell.

  
“Are you ready to talk to mom yet?” Jackie held her laptop up in the air, spinning it around slowly as she faced the webcam. She was walking around my room, trying to show it to me to reminisce a bit.   
“I was planning to… I really was, but…” I sighed.   
“Jo… you’ve been postponing it for way too long…” she said, as she let her back plop on my bed.   
“I know… don’t remind me, but apparently someone else has been postponing shit for way too long, as well.” I said, as I stroked my fingers through my hair, clasping both hands behind my neck. I eyed at the clock at the bottom right corner of my laptop screen, as I sat at my desk. It was getting late, and we had a stage performance rehearsal early in the morning tomorrow… but I couldn’t sleep.   
“What are you talking about?”  
“It’s Krystal. I think she’s been like… feeling a certain way for a while, and she wouldn’t tell me… and now -- just  _yesterday_  she’s talking about space or whatever -- I don’t know, man. It  _sucks_. I should have seen that coming, I should have – damn! I should have freakin’  _spotted_  it before it even got to this point…”  
“Oh… Jo… you could have  _never_  seen that coming… we’re complicated.”  
“We?”  
“Women.” She clarified.   
“And what am I?” I asked with a scoff.    
“You’re a Llama…” she chuckled “… and it’s really not as bad as you think it is… you’ll see, just give her the space.”  
I chuckled softly at her Llama joke “Well… it definitely wasn’t as bad as it was in my head. For once, I’m glad I’ve gotten into the habit of keeping things in -- and I did… I told her okay, that I would do it – give her… space.”  
“And maybe this is a good thing, you know? ‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder’ type thing?” Jackie said, continuing to look at the brighter side of things.   
“I fear it’s a lot more complicated than that…” I wish it was like Jackie’s making it seem.   
“It’s usually just that she feels like she wants time to herself…” Jackie began explaining.   
“She’s paranoid about the media…” I interrupted her “…which I was also afraid of for her in the beginning, but she told me that that wasn’t her.  She told me that she would never let that get to her, which I understand if  _now_  that’s changed… she didn’t know  _what_  she was getting into at the time when she started dating me. She couldn’t have predicted this, and I understand that… I do… I just -- she’s closing up, Jackie. She’s closing up like I’ve  _never_  seen before. This isn’t like her. She would have talked to me, but she didn’t, and now she just gave me this ambiguous ‘I need space’ request --  I can’t help but to feel like I caused this somehow… like I wasn’t attentive enough or missed the signs… I don’t know…” I was rambling, trying to remember and recollect pieces of my last conversation with Krystal, desperately trying to make sense of it all again. Yet no matter how much sense I would find in this, it would still hurt and I still hated it just the same.   
“Yeah… I can see where the complicated comes in…” Jackie’s forehead furrowed as her lips turned into a frown she tried hard to hold back, always trying to stay so positive for me  “… but still… you can’t blame yourself -- you did the right thing. You respected what she asked. She’ll come around, you’ll see… plus when was the last time you’ve  _really_  hung out with your friends?” she asked.   
“Is it bad if I say that I remember more the last time I went to the library, than when I hung out with my peeps?”   
“That  _is_  pretty bad. The library? You don’t even like to read.” She laughed lightly in confusion.   
“Yeah… I had been hearing that a lot…” I chuckled mischievously to myself. 

When  _was_  the last time I actually hung out with any of my friends  _outside_  of the K-POP craze I had thrown myself into? I lied in my bed on my side, as I pulled out my phone. A pillow struck me right in the face.   
“Go to sleep!” Luna said with a jokingly annoyed voice, as she then giggled to herself softly after hearing the pillow hit my face.   
“Very funny, Luna… You’re lucky I’m too cold to get out of bed again.” I jokingly threatened her, as I pulled the covers over my head to block the light of the phone. November was right around the corner, as the chilled breeze had already started to seep into South Korea. It was  _never_  this chilly in SoCal around this time of the year... I hope I can stand it. 

 

**Zombie-Buddy:**

  _“You think I just have an open schedule for you all the time?”_  
  


Min had replied to my text at me asking to hang out tomorrow after my rehearsal.   
_"Wuv me, I’m shad =( .”_   I replied.   
  


**Zombie-Buddy:**

_“LOL bring me food.”_

 

[Stage Rehearsal](https://youtu.be/NWVg7ORd4K0?t=1m46s)

“I’m so cold…” Krystal murmured, as she wrapped her hands around her arms. We had just finished our stage rehearsal, and I was entertaining myself by playing with the microphone in my hand. I turned over to her noticing her slightly shaking.   
“Do you want my sweater…?” I asked, as I pointed at my striped, black and white sweater. I was trying to be polite and subtle. Any other day, I would have just tackled her with a hug... but… space, you know? I had to give her – what the…?  
“You’re so warm…” she said, as she had suddenly attached herself in between me and my sweater – she cuddled up against my chest. I instinctively wrapped my sweater and arms around her –  _barely_  , since the sweater couldn’t stretch out enough to wrap around her completely.   
“You  _know_  I can just give you the sweater… do you want it?” I said, stepping back to insist, as I noticed her still shivering slightly.   
“No -- oh gawd… someone was watching…” she said, as we started walking down the stage. She tried to act normal, hiding her face behind her long hair.  I wasn’t a psychic or anything, but I could tell that this whole space thing wasn’t really anything she was enjoying any less than me.  It was instinct for her to press against my chest when feeling cold… just how it was instinct for me to want to tackle her. Yet, because she can’t seem to find a way to run away from her paranoia, she ran away from me instead…   
“Come on, you’re freezing… it’s just a sweater…”  
“Fine…” she finally caved in, reluctantly.  She put it on slowly, as she shifted her eyes to the side, hating to admit that I was right as she felt the warmth of my sweater wrap around her.  “… Thank you.” She said, still trying to hide her face behind her hair, being wary of the many cameras around us she had noticed.   
“Anytime, princess…” I said with a chuckle.   
“Umm…” she said, as she turned to look back at me.   
“Hmm?” I looked up at her, still following behind as I jumped down off the stage. She was walking ahead of me, but turned her head towards me when she spoke.   
“Are you -- what are you doing after this…?” she asked hesitant.   
“Oh umm… Min and I were gonna hang out or… whatever…” I said awkwardly -- was she trying to hang out with me?  
“Oh… ok. That’s nice.” She said, giving me one of those hasty smiles.   
“Yeah…” I chuckled awkwardly. “… umm why? Why are you asking?” I said, almost in a plea… hoping to  _god_  she wanted to hang. I didn’t want to be the first to ask, I wanted to let her know that there was no pressure on my part… but please? Pretty please?   
“Just wondering.”   
“I can cancel… if…” I started to say, but she had skipped away further ahead of me… Gahh…! That was so awkward… and… damn it! What the hell is going on right now? She wants me and then she doesn’t, but then she does, and -- screw the fucking media… I can only blame that, right?  
  


“Dude, screw the media!” I said in a frustrated and sad tone; as I walked past Min’s door shoving a bag of Coreanos take-out into her hands.   
“I’m happy to see you, too?” She said with slightly wide eyes, as she peaked into the bag. “Did you get it with the extra jalapeños?”  
“Mhhmm…” I mumbled, already stretched out on her couch, with a pillow over my face. Min took a seat at the end of the couch, placing my feet out of the way and onto her lap as she began eating her tacos.   
“You know, usually you’d be super excited to eat with me. Usually, you’d be  _more_  than excited if it was Coreanos, ever since you discovered they existed… So, you wanna tell me what’s wrong, bae?”    
“Life.” I said in a dramatic tone, my voice muffled by the pillow.   
“Idol life got you down?” she asked, her eyes continually fixated on the food.   
“It’s got meh dowwwwn.” I dramatically said in a rock n’ roll singing voice, as I raised one of my fists into the air. “Krystal needing space, to be more specific.”  
“Oooh… that doesn’t sound good – no wonder you decided to hang out so out of the blue. I see I’m your mistress… seconds… your booty call…” she said in a very serious tone, but jokingly.   
“What you are is gross.” I said in a light laughter, as I sat up on the couch and gently hit her with the pillow.   
“You know what will make you feel better, though?” she asked.   
“If Krystal broke into your home and kidnapped me?” I said nonchalantly, as I reached over to grab my share of Coreanos.   
“ _That_  and a new pair of sneakers…” she said, as she pointed at my wasted Adidas. “Some Jordans this time.” She finished. I looked down at my Adidas, and shrugged.   
“I guess I’ll have to convert over to Jordans eventually. You preach so highly of them.” I said, stuffing my face with tacos. “Also, what do you mean by ‘that doesn’t sound good’? Jackie told me the exact opposite, that it’s normal when girls ask for space.”   
“Yeah, normal only when it comes to straight non-idol couples.” She chuckled.   
“Yeah… I guess… that’s what I tried explaining to Jackie. Still, she told me that Krystal would eventually come around.  Just at rehearsals, actually – she snuggled into my chest, briefly, but still – but then she got all awkward again when she realized we were being watched.” I sighed. “And I get it, though – you know? I was briefly paranoid about the media for a while, too --  _especially_  after her sister told me to back off. But then, Krystal talked to Jessica and told me Jessica had no clue. I mean, if Jessica has no clue then  _who_  does, right?” I chuckled, biting into my extra jalapeños taco. I opened my mouth and began fanning it with my hand slightly. Mexican food is already so spicy, but mix that with Korean food, and well -- you got a fucking volcano. Min stared at me with disbelief.   
“She told you that Jessica had  _no_  clue, really?” she asked.   
“Yeah, why?”  
“And you believed that? You told me yourself that Jessica called you out – it just doesn’t make sense. That's all.” She scoffed with a shrug, looking back towards her food. Holy shit… Krystal lied to me? I  _did_  begin to get slightly paranoid after Jessica spoke to me, giving  _me_  second thoughts. It would make sense that when Krystal spoke to Jessica that day… things didn’t really go as smoothly as she said they did -- again, I blame it on me not trusting my gut, because I  _knew_  something was off with her that day.  Our manager might have triggered it with the whole Kryber news, but she’s probably been bottling it up way before that…   
“You think she lied to me?” I asked, turning over to Min.  She raised an eyebrow at me.   
“If it went  _that_  bad that she’s just now exploding all over you about it, then I’d probably hide it, too.” She explained. Min is right… Krystal at times might seem like she’s more open with me… but remembering what she wrote in her diary… she’s  _just_  as afraid as me of being vulnerable, of showing her weak side. What the  _hell_  went down that day between her and Jessica…?   
“So, Jordans mañana?” I asked, as I slightly shook my head trying to snap myself from over thinking about it.   
“Yeah, I’ll hit you up once I’m free. Thanks for the food, by the way.” She said, as she turned to me and smiled.   
“It’s ‘cause you asked for it so nicely yesterday… asshole.” We both laughed.

  
  
  


After hanging out with Min that day, Krystal hadn’t contacted me again at all for that whole week leading up to, yet another, radio interview. I had texted her every morning and every night before that, where  _I_ sounded like the desperate little Llama, and  _she_  sounded like the – well, she just sounded freakin’ indifferent. It’d be like ‘Hey! Good Morning, Princess’ and then I’d get a plain ‘Morning’ and nothing else after that. Guhh… A week without really talking or seeing her is pretty much exactly what I described it as: hell. But, I gotta keep my cool. I gotta just wait until  _she’s_  ready, right? I don’t even know. I literally have no idea what I’m doing, or if what I  _am_ doing is actually the right way to go about it. I’m pretty fucking lost right now; the only thing keeping me from snapping is the fact that in just a few moments, we’re going to be in the exact same room together.   
“Nice sneakers.” Krystal said so soft spoken, as she passed by me to take a seat in the radio studio.   
“Thanks. They’re Jordans. They’re new.” I said with a nervous scoff, as I also took a seat right across from her. I tried sitting next to her as usual, but she had casually placed her hand on the seat next to her as I was passing by, removing it only to allow the next member to sit. She noticed I got new shoes, though. That’s a good sign, right? My eyes were fixated on her the entire time, I didn’t even notice or say hi to the other members. Sulli was  _only_  really close to Krystal, so I had no idea if she knew about us or not. Victoria and I rarely saw each other, only during training and events, and Luna – well, she knew about Krystal and I dating, but she didn’t really know any juicy details. Regardless, I’m pretty sure all of the members could sense the recent tension between the two of us. Shortly after, the usual interview questions commenced, up until…   
“Krystal, if you were a man, who among the f(x) members you could  _not_  date?” the interviewer asked.  _Damn_  does the k-pop world love its fan-service. I’m gonna go ahead and guess Sulli, since she sees her a lot like a sister, and so that would be kinda gross.   
“Uhh… Amber-unnie?” Krystal responded. Wait what? I scoffed to myself, as I heard Luna bursting into a laughter. That Luna, she could never,  _ever_  dissimulate. I gotta say, though –- I agree with Luna's reaction. I’m  _pretty_  shocked, to say the least. I wanna hear this… “If I was a man, I would be so jealous if my girlfriend is close to somebody else too much. She’s the type of person who hangs out with a lot of people. So, it’s kind of...” she continued, and I had  _no_  idea she felt this way.   
“I’m sorry…” slipped out of my voice, and I couldn’t help it. 

  
  


“What was  _that_  ?” I asked in a nervous scoff, as we walked through the corridor right outside the radio studio door. I got no answer. “Trying to reaffirm to the public how you’d never date me, or just a cheap attempt to tell me how jealous I make you?” I asked with a teasing smirk, as I tried to keep up to walk beside her. I wanted to break the tension, break the ice, or break the  _whatever_  was going on during this time of ‘space’. She ignored me the entire walk down the corridor, until I noticed her beginning to slow down her pace as we approached a bathroom door – she was trying to slowly fall behind from the rest of our group. She then grabbed a hold of my hand, pulled me into the bathroom with her, and into one of the bathroom stalls.  She pinned me up against the wall, as she locked the stall. There was hunger in her eyes – a pain mixed in with lust – I could  _see_  it. “Hey… I was just… I was just joking, Krys… I…” I said nervously and shocked. She bit down on her bottom lip passively angry, as she then pressed her lips against mine in a passionate kiss, shutting me up. She pulled away slowly…   
“Both…” she said under her breath, answering my question. 

  
_We get close, we fall apart, red roses, broken hearts, and we don’t know which way to go._  
_We're in love, we're insane, what's the sun without the rain? I guess we'll find out as we go._  
["Drawing the Line" - Royal Pirates ](https://youtu.be/2M6zHsRfZhI)  
  
  
  


**To be continued...**


	19. Nothing - Part 1

_Nothing_

   
  


As I heard her answer tremble over my lips, I realized my eyes beginning to slowly open. I couldn’t even recall the moment they closed. I was wrapped around her finger again, pinned down under another spell again… and suddenly my face felt moist… tears, but it wasn’t me. I wasn’t crying, was I? I fixated my eyes directly into hers that were lowered down towards my lips. There was a single stream of tears coming from one of her eyes that made itself in between the corner of each of our lips as they still barely touched.  
“Krys…” I said in a whisper, and with a soft surprise at the fact that she was crying, even if it was just lightly, as both of my hands made their way towards her cheeks, and as one of my thumbs gently brushed the tear away from the corner of her lips. Her breathing heightened while her lips remained grazing mine, as if she wanted to press them against mine again, but she was holding herself back. As if I was a drug, an addiction, a bad habit that she was trying to get rid of, but just couldn’t bring herself to do so… and that after more than a week of not having each other – of not having  _me_ … these tears were the withdrawal symptoms. I, on the other hand, I wasn’t trying to fight back my addiction.  Not me… I wanted to jump into another kiss. I wanted to unglue my hands from against the wall behind me, and wrap them around her small frame… hold her close – closer than we already were, get rid of all gaps between us, get rid of this stupid fucking ‘space’… and I was about to, but then… her gaze slowly met mine, as she showed me a slight shock at the fact that my eyes had been looking at hers this whole time. She stepped back slowly, as she hesitantly brought the tip of her fingers over her lips, and pressed her back against the wall opposite of me. Shocked at me, shocked at herself, shocked at her lips that attached themselves to mine… her trembling hand made its way towards the lock of the stall, removing it, and she stepped out towards the sinks. What the  _hell_  just happened? I stood there for a moment in the same position she had pinned me in. My brain wanted to rush out after her and continue with the action I had planned of kissing her again. For some reason my body took a while to catch up. It took a while to come back from her kiss; it took a while to come back from seeing her reaction, that by the time I walked out towards the sinks, the main door of the bathroom was closing with her already on the other side.  
  
["Two Is Better Than One" - Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxffT9lwHOY)

Did I mention how this week without her had been hell? Did I also mention that the only thing that was keeping me from snapping was the fact that I was going to be in the same room as her? All facts… all accurate, all truth… although, her kissing me wasn’t really in my plans, and any other person would agree that this very unplanned but pleasant turn of events would just be the cherry on the top… right? Logically speaking, right? Then why does it hurt? The aftertaste of this kiss…  _why_  does it hurt? Why does it instead feel like someone just poured salt over my wound? Over an already badly torn open wound at that.  I don’t think I was built for this whole “mildang” thing… this whole situation of her pulling away, and pulling back in, and pulling away again --  it’s supposed to be fun -- at least that’s how South Korea paints it to be… maybe I’m in the wrong mildang situation.  I just don’t understand… if it hurts her  _this_  much to be away from me… then why doesn’t she just stop it? I mean, I  _know_  why… but it just doesn’t seem like the good outweighs the bad, at least not in  _my_  eyes. Why can’t she see that  _nothing_  can be as horrible as us not being together… like I see it? It’s so clear to me… and that kiss hurt me… because that kiss told me that it isn’t clear for her. I need to make it clear to her… I need to go talk to her. I can’t keep doing this ‘waiting for her to move first’ thing anymore… or I’m going to lose her –  _that’s_  what my gut is telling me, and I’m forever standing by to what I said: ‘better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all’ it’s bs. It is  _forever_  bullshit. I can’t let this happen to me again… I was given a second chance at love, a new slate, and I can’t let it slip away. Not again.

“An excuse… an excuse…” I murmured to myself under my breath, as I stepped out of my dorm making my way towards Krystal’s door. I needed an excuse, an excuse to see her, an excuse to talk to her, an excuse to knock on that door, an excuse to walk in, an – my sweater. She still has it. That’s it.  
“Amber…? What are you… doing here?” she asked with a slight surprise and a bit of hesitation, as she held the door less than half way open, her head barely peaking through.  
“Well… I um…” I was a little stumped, to be honest. I was expecting Sulli to open the door, as usual. When Krystal is in her room, she’s always just in her own little world, secluded through her ear-buds, her writing, her reading, and her music. “Shocker. Sulli didn’t open the door for once.” I said in a nervous chuckle trying to tease her, postponing my actual conversation.  
“Oh… yeah…” she said with a shy and soft laugh, as she briefly looked downwards. “… She’s been… seeing someone a lot lately? I don’t think I’m really supposed to say that, but… it’s you… so…” she finished as she raised her head again to look up at me. That’s actually kind of perfect… not that Sulli ever really understands everything we say to each other in English, but at least we don’t have to be too non-touchy as we usually are around her – I mean… if it  _does_  come down to that… hopefully…  
“Oh… good for her. Right? I think?” I said, right before a very awkward silence. She held her eyes at me, pursing in her lips as she nodded slowly. I realized I needed to bring it up… my excuse. “So, um… I came here because… I was looking – you still have my sweater, right?” I finally asked.  
“Oh yeah… I had completely forgotten. I’m so sorry.” She said, as she quickly turned around back into her room to fetch it for me.  
“Oh no, I mean, it’s totally cool. Really…” I said as I finished pushing the door open, and slowly began to walk into her room.  Score. I’m in.  I looked around curiously, as I hadn’t seen the inside of her dorm room in what felt like forever. She was rummaging through a pile of clothes she had gathered at the corner of her bed. I chuckled lightly and smiled as I watched her searching through her mess… though my smile came to a screeching halt when I turned to look towards her closet.  
  
The pendant hanging from the knob.  
  
“Ugh! Here it is. Finally. Sorry…” she said with a light chuckle, as she turned around with my sweater in her hand, walking towards where I stood.  
“Why are you apologizing?” I smiled lightly at her, as I held myself from taking back my sweater.  
“For keeping your sweater hostage for so long?” she shrugged as she squinted her eyes adorably.  
“And for kissing me in the bathroom stall?” I brought it up, as her eyes grew a bit wide.  
“Can you…” she said, as she pressed the sweater against my chest lightly, insisting.  
“Not that I want you to apologize for that, though… and I can’t take that just yet…” I said.  
“Why…?” she asked in a plead.  
“Because then I’d lose my excuse to see you… So, you don’t have to apologize for keeping it this long.” I explained.  She sighed softly, as her gaze lowered sadly, but a bit annoyingly.  
“Amber, please…”  
“Please what…?” I lowered my head trying to run after her eyes.  
“Just take the sweater…”  
“I need to talk to you, princess…” I insisted, her hand still holding onto the sweater, holding it against my chest ever more firmly.  
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said, as she brought her eyes back up to meet mine. She tried hard to make it a stern statement.  
“That kiss told me otherwise…”  
“It was a mistake.” She said hesitantly, as her eyes drew themselves to the side.  
“I don’t believe that…”  
“Isn’t there anyone else you can talk to? Min maybe?” she blurted in an annoyed tone, as she dropped the sweater to the floor, and began walking away from me towards her desk.  
“Whoa… what? What are you talking about?” I asked with a light scoff. Why did she so suddenly bring up Min? Pretty random, I’d say… I quickly reached down to the floor to grab the sweater, as I walked after her. She began to sit in front of her laptop, trying to ignore me. I adjusted my back against the desk, as usual.  
“Well… you’ve been hanging out with her so much lately. It’s all over her instagram account… and  _yours_ …” She’s being jealous?    
“Now, hold on a sec… I’m doing what you  _told_  me to do, giving ourselves space?”  
“Yeah, and I thought you’d be hanging out with Henry or something… not  _Min_ …”  
“Henry and I are in the same company. We see each other a lot more often. You know that. I rarely get to hang out with Min.”  
“Yeah, well… I said  _space_ … not see other people or…”  
“Babe…” I interrupted “… Min and I are not  _seeing_  each other… what the hell?” Geez… she really  _was_  serious at the radio station. I scoffed, as I folded my arms together against my chest.  
“… or flirt with other people, like that girl on my birthday…” she continued. Girl on her birthday?  
“Sohyun?!” I replied, a bit shocked. It’s like she was trying super hard to find any excuse for this convo to  _really_  go the wrong way. “Krystal, I’m not flirting with anyone. I’ve just been trying to practice my Korean, making contacts, trying to be social…” I explained “… I  _need_  to make contacts. I don’t have the ‘Jung’ at the end of my name like you do.”  
“Are you serious right now?” she turned to me aggressively “I  _cannot_  believe you just went there.”  
“No… I didn’t mean it like that... Come on -- you  _know_  what I meant…” Why is she trying to pick a fight with me? “Okay… this really… is sort of getting a little outta hand.” I said with a nervous chuckle. “This isn’t at  _all_  what I wanted to talk to you about.”  
“Well, I  _do_  want to talk about it…!” she blurted, clearly frustrated. “And Hyuna… really!?” she said, as she turned the laptop screen towards me. At this point, I regret bringing up the kiss at all… maybe that wasn’t the best conversation starter for today. It literally pushed a button. I don’t know how, but it triggered  _something_.  
“Oh… yeah… ummm about that…” She was on the Hyunber tag... it seems she was  _still_  obsessively going through our tags. I sighed softly trying to catch up with her accusations.  
“I didn’t even know they shipped you with other people!” she said, as she turned back towards her laptop, clicking and clicking incessantly. She was nervously upset, and I was so confused.  
“They do…” I said with a light and guilty shrug. It’s not like I can stop them from doing it… I wish I could. “… but Hyunber? It doesn’t even have a nice ring to it. I mean, it literally sounds like the brand of a car or something… err… Hyundai’s cousin! That’s what it sounds like.” I tried to joke to steer the conversation in the direction I needed it to go.  
“What…?” she turned back towards me confused at what I just said.  
“Umm… nothing.  Nevermind…” my eyes shifted to the side in embarrassment at my horrible joke attempt. “Look…” I said with a bit more confidence, and trying to get her full attention. “… you told me we needed space, so I’ve just been hanging out with other people, and you know how the media is. They’re just blowing things out of proportion. I’m not seeing  _anyone_. I’m seeing you, and  _only_  you… and I’m here  _because_  of you, because I don’t like how this whole ‘space thing’ is panning out. One moment you don’t want me, but then the next moment you do, and now I’m realizing that the times that you  _don’t_  want me, you still don’t want anyone else to.  Like, I understand you want space, but you can’t just control who I hang out with when you don’t even want me with you…”  
“I  _do_  want you… I  _always_  want you… I just…” she retracted herself in her chair, as if feeling a bit guilty and embarrassed at how she previously reacted.  
“It doesn’t feel like it.  It feels like you’re not sure about  _what_  you want. It feels like I’m just your new, cute and shiny gay toy… it hurts… and then I come to talk about it with you, and you throw all of these things at me just for the sake of it, just for the sake of avoiding my conversation… like you’re just purposely trying to find an excuse to get rid of me… like you don’t want me anymore…”  
“No…” she said softly, as she shook her head slowly.  
“I came to talk to you because I don’t want you to not want me tomorrow again, or for another week again, and ignore me completely again... and just… be so cold towards me again…” I finished.  
“Amber… I. Want. You. I’m just afraid to lose myself… while afraid to lose you at the same time… it’s hard to fucking balance!” she said apologetically.  
“Lose yourself…?”  
“Yes…”  
“You mean… be who you really are?” I said in a light scoff.  
“Because that’s so easy… you of all people should understand how hard it is…” she said, sounding a bit disappointed in my answer, as she turned her eyes away from me again to look back at her screen.  
“I  _do_  understand… I know how hard it is. I’m not asking you to parade your gayness out into the world.  _I’m_  not doing that... but… we can… parade it to each other?” Uhh… what?  “You can be who you really are with me… just me. That’s what I meant… That’s all I’m asking for here -- to what we agreed on when you asked me to be your girlfriend…”  
“It sounds far more simple than it actually is, Am… for people like us… with the lives that we have now?” she turned back towards me with that brainy Jung look  “Privacy is a luxury. A costly luxury that non-idols take for granted so much. It’s so costly that no matter how much we ever make, we’ll probably never be able to afford it…”  
“Krys… there’s  _tons_  of ways around it. Could you just please -- can  _we_  just please have a re-conversation on this whole space situation… like specific rules or something…” I asked desperately.  
“Am…”  
“Okay… just answer me this:  again... are you going to not want me tomorrow…?”  
“Again… I  _always_  want you, Am… I…”  
“Correction: Ignore – are you going to ignore me again tomorrow… or for another week?” I interrupted.  
“I don’t know…”  
“See, I think you  _do_  know… I just need you to  _see_  that you know. I know you don’t want to ignore me again like this past week… so just  _don’t_  do it... just don’t… ”

The door opened “Hyung!” Sulli’s voice rang cheerfully, as I turned towards her suddenly and surprised, and then lifted my hand in a lazy wave. Unable to finish my sentence, as the words hung just at the tip of my tongue. What words, though? I was literally just rambling. I didn’t even plan my argument. Was I just planning on coming to see her and beg her to love me like a wounded puppy? Like a wounded llama? I guess so…  _Damn_ , I’m so stupid. This conversation did not go at  _all_  as I had pictured it. I kind of thought I would just step into the room, throw her one of my dorky smiles, and she wouldn’t be able to resist those -- and it would just suddenly dawn on her like an epiphany, and she’d plunge herself into my arms, and quote Red Car Wire: ‘I love you, I miss you, I hate life without you, and where have you been my love? I want you back…’ I guess I sort of overestimated the dorky-ber-smile…  
“Can we just… talk about this another time?” Krystal discreetly whispered to me, as she stood up from her chair to hug Sulli in that kind of way you hug someone who just went through some sort of rite of passage. “Tell me everything…” Krystal excitedly told Sulli. I wonder who this guy is – this  _dude_  Sulli’s been seeing. I immediately knew my time was up, as they were surely about to have their ‘talks’… and I was always uninvited, and was already beginning to fall into that weird role that’s somewhere in between background noise and unwanted guest. I quietly made my way behind them, as I walked towards the door.  
“See you guys later…” I said, trying to sound as care-free as possible… all the while I was slowly dying on the inside.

“Yojeu…”  
“Yojeum – m – m…” Luna made emphasis on the ‘m’ sound for me. She had been helping me learn the “One Love” song by Super Junior. Well, the rap part. We were learning it for a few upcoming radio interviews – they’re pretty often. Krystal? Yeah… she’s the one who’s supposed to help me practice my Korean, but… she’s still been pretty awol. I’m actually not sure if it’s been worse lately – the ignoring part I mean. I kind of want to believe that it’s been the same and not worse. Mostly because, then that would mean that my conversation just made things worse and not better as I wanted, which would make me call myself ‘stupid’ again. So, I guess for now I’ll just say that she’s been ignoring me just as the same as  _before_  my conversation with her. Though, at this point and for how long it’s been… might as well chalk it to up to her basically passively breaking up with me. The last two text messages on my phone are dated about two weeks ago, both back to back ‘heys’… both back to back from me. I sighed in frustration, as I lightly scrunched up the corner of the sheet of paper I was holding tightly in my hand.  
“Yojeu doesn’t mean the same?” I asked.  
“Yes… but it’s contracted… try again. Yojeum.” She explained.  
“Yoje… um…”  
“Perfect!” she said excitedly. We were both sitting on her bed with our backs against the wall as we looked down at the lyrics on the sheet. “How come Krystal said she will not come to practice with us?” Luna asked.  
“Umm… she said she could learn it on her own.” I said with a shrug, not removing my eyes from the paper.  “Yojeum manhi nareul bomyuh chingudeuri marhae?” I quickly began to rap the first line.

“Oh…” she said, and began nodding in approval to my pronunciation.  
I love Super Junior, like, the original Super Junior-K’s? And this song in particular is branded with a shiny yellow star on my playlist. I was happy I’d get to learn it… and again… happy I’d get to sing it with Krystal --  _be_  in the same room with Krystal... I remember this song playing on repeat when I first dreamed about her, when my brain first imagined her lips over mine. It can’t be a mere coincidence they’d pick this song for us to cover. Maybe the dorky-ber-smile wasn’t enough… but maybe my  _llama_ -swag might have something else to say.  
  
I’m an idiot.

 

“It’s Amber here…” and this was it.  My one shot for another message  “…with Luna and Krystal…”  I eyed directly at her. She was standing in front of me…  _right_  in front of me  “… hey, listen up, yo…”  
  
["One Love" - F(x) Cover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmcSByuIgo0)

_Lately my friends see me all worn out, they say_   
_Not to meet someone like you ever again, they say_   
_You left me shaken and crying and that last phrase,_   
_“Meet someone better than me”_   
_So once again, like a fool I get drunk_   
_My heart is one deep night, once again I leave a message_   
_Already I’m standing in the cold, gloomy rain_   
_Now I will be smiling…_   
_Do you want love?_   
_What do I have to do?_   
_And I want love_   
_I’m still in love with you_

_Memories are with you, girl… never let you go  
I can never forget being left with nothing else I could possibly do_

_Please come back to me, you’re my_   
  
_One Love_   
  
_The memories are beautiful, always be my girl_   
_The memories are beautiful, I don’t ever want to say goodbye_   
_The memories are beautiful, never let you go_   
  
_My One Love_

 

She looked right through me -- right at me but  _through_  me, as we sang the song – as if I was invisible… as if I wasn’t even there… I removed the headset from my head, placing it back down on the desk as we all took back our seats in the studio. They all clapped, and were impressed by my improvement in the language. The way I handled that rap was probably better than Super Junior-K themselves… so many accomplishments in such a short time in So K.  I should be happy. I should be proud of myself. I should feel amazing… I’m  _doing_  it. I’m living right now -- in this very second -- in  _my_  dream.  
  
But then Krystal’s also in it… and she  _isn’t_ all at the same time.  
But then I think about her, and  _nothing_  feels amazing anymore.  
But then I look at her, and I can literally see the entire landscape in front of my eyes cracking and shattering like glass.  
  
  
  
“Krystal?” My voice echoed throughout the bathroom of our dorm, as I called out her name at the entrance.  
  
One last try… there’s always one last try.  
  
“Umm… yeah?” she answered in a confused tone all the way from one of the shower stalls, as she cut off her water.  
  
One last time… there’s always one last time.  
  
I hurried myself over towards her stall, as I stood right outside of her curtain.  As soon as we got back from the radio station, I had rushed all the way from my dorm, to her dorm; from her dorm, to the bathroom… after Sulli told me that she wasn’t in… that she was taking a shower.  
“Krys…” I said, as I caught my breath.  
  
“Amber? Amber… I’m  _showering_ …”  
“Why are you doing this…?” my voice nearly cracked...  
  
This time… I needed  _something_.  
  
  
  


 _Sometimes love is intoxicating. You're coming down,_  
your hands are shaking when you realize there's no one waiting.  
["Nothing" - The Script](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIa4xKHQB_k)

  
  
  
**To be continued**   
  
  
  


 


	20. Nothing - Part 2

_Nothing_

  
There was a steep silence that overcame the bathroom. The only sounds that could be heard were the echoes of the remaining droplets that escaped from the showerhead and slammed onto the floor, even after she had cut off the water; together with the sound of me still trying to catch my breath.   
“Can you please answer me… please?” I pleaded, as I continued to stand in front of her shower stall, observing her unchanging silhouette -- her shadow right behind the curtain.  She stood still, shocked maybe? Shocked at my sudden appearance? Maybe this was the best way: to catch her off guard, to pop the question in the heat of a moment – maybe then I’d get honesty… maybe then I’d get something.   
“Well…?” I said impatiently as my pulse raced, but I had already caught my breath.  It was racing just like on that day when she asked for ‘space’… but it was worse.  _Way_  worse. It was racing out of desperation. It was racing out of panic. My chest felt constricted, tight –  _too_  tight… and I felt  _way_ sick to my stomach.    
I suddenly heard her sighing deeply, as if she was getting ready to give me the most horrible news and had no idea how to say it. Her sigh sent my upper teeth straight down onto my bottom lip, pressing down onto it harshly. My hands hung tensely at my sides, as my fingers fidgeted with each other – my thumbs rapidly pressing against each knuckle.   
  
“Amber… it’s not… normal…” she finally spoke. It was an answer that was straight to the point, as if she could clearly hear all of my arguments in my  _one_ question simply by the tone of my speech – as if she could hear all of my pain in my  _one_ question, simply by the crack in my voice. It was an answer that was nearly under her breath, because she knew I didn’t want to hear it – or maybe she didn’t want to hear it either?   
  
["Clarity" - Zedd ft. Foxes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4WE9s9oBqM)  
  
“Krystal, you said in your diary ‘no matter how normal it feels... it's not normal, right?’ That’s what you do, right? What you do is write about how you _feel_ , and you wrote that it  _felt_ normal.  So, don't focus on what you think is normal, focus on feelings.  So, right now, how does it _feel_? Normal, right? Does it still feel normal?” I tilted my head, only slightly, just to lend one of my ears towards the curtain, waiting for the reaction I needed…   
“ _We_ are not normal, Amber.” She specified.   
“Okay, look… I get it. I get it, you want a normal love. You want simple. You want cookie-cutter… but what’s normal, really? Like… define it for me! Is normal whatever is common? Why can’t normal be whatever you want it to be, whatever is normal for you, and no one else?”   
“That’s the thing, it’s  _not_ normal for me!” she sighed in frustration, but there was an apparent but slight crack in her voice as she responded.  I could see her silhouette finally move, as she pressed her back against the shower wall, and slowly allowed herself to slide down.   
“Really? It isn’t?” I scoffed loudly; frustrated with the reactions she kept giving me – her answers, her objections – I was in disbelief.  I followed her silhouette, as I also lowered myself against the wall and sat side by side her, with but only the curtain to separate us both from each other.  I could see her hand that was pressed against the wet shower floor, peaking right underneath the curtain. I brought my knees up against my chest, as I slowly lowered my chin onto them.  I could feel my frustration gradually trying to escape from my eyes in liquid form.  I could feel myself about to break.   
“If it isn’t… if it really isn’t normal…”  my voice was shaking  “… then why the  _hell_ do you keep coming back to me…?"   
“…”  
  
 _I don't care if I lose everything I have and everything that I am... as long as I can feel love...I've never felt love._  
  
“You said you never felt love. Well, I’m loving you right now… don’t you feel it!?” I asked her harshly, but almost in a whisper, as I was trying hard to fight back my liquid frustrations.  I slowly lowered one of my hands towards the wet shower floor. “You say you're not like Soyeon... but you  _are_ being like her. You  _are_ killing yourself...” my hand slid under the shower curtain, reaching hers that was pressed against the floor -- touching her hand with mine ever so slightly.  “… you're killing who you are…  and you're feeling alone and leaving me completely out of it. You told me you wouldn't allow yourself to feel it alone, that we would feel it together... Krystal...” I finished, as her hand slightly flinched at my touch.  She slid it away from mine slowly…  “Like, fine... don't be with me… but don't do it out of not being who you are... I can't see you day in and day out, knowing that we both want this...”  
“Fine... I _don't_ want to be with you, because I  _don't_ love you... will that help?” she said through her teeth.   
“Don't talk like that...”  
“Amber, just let it go...!” she blurted it out in a frustrated tone, as her hand vanished from underneath the curtain… her silhouette showing her arms wrapping tightly around her knees that were also pressed against her chest, just like me…   
  
She’s so far gone… and my knees were so moist.   
Teardrops falling -- rolling down all the way to my chin.

That steep silence again.  
  
“Remember…” my voice miraculously left my lips, air still going in and out of my lungs…  _barely_ – I couldn’t believe I was still existing. I felt like a ghost… dying without being able to die  “… when you told me once… that we would be forever, because even when circumstances change, we ourselves wouldn’t be allowed to change if we are who we truly are? You were right… The only reason we’re falling apart right now – it’s not because the circumstances changed -- it’s because, it seems, you weren’t who you truly said you were… this isn’t the Krystal I’ve come to know. This isn’t you.  It can’t be.  You’ve changed.  Or… or at least I’d like to believe that you’ve changed. I wouldn’t want to believe that this is actually the real Krystal, and the one I knew was never you…” The steep… deep…  _deafening_ silence returned. She said nothing. I got nothing. I stood up and wiped my tears, as I made my way out the bathroom door.

  
I composed myself as I hastily walked down the hallway on my way back to my dorm, not wanting anyone to notice that I had just cried. I don’t want to feel this… this pain – this anger. If how she says she's feeling really is how she genuinely feels, I would let it go. I really would… but I  _know_ in the core of my gawd damn soul that it isn’t true! This is what hurts the most; this is what pisses me off…! That I know she doesn't really feel the way she says.  _How_  this was caused? By her sister? By her very self? I don’t really care anymore… I just care that the damage is done, and I want to somehow undo it... but I have no fight left in me. She’s drained me so horribly, all the way down to my very last drop. I’m an empty shell. I’m swinging with no hands, seeing with no eyes, speaking with no voice –  _dragging_  myself because I’ve lost my legs… that’s how it feels, anyway.    
  
“Ambah-unnie?” Luna’s voice rang with concern. I paused in my steps; feeling as if I had just gotten caught… caught feeling. I tried to slip through the door of our dorm room as normal as possible. My tears were wiped, my eyes were no longer puffy from crying… did I still look  _that_ shaken up for her to notice? “Are you okay?” she asked.   
“Yeah… why?” I asked as I turned towards her, forcing my voice to sound confused at her question.  She was lying on her bed with her laptop over her lap. Her face was peaking from the side of her screen.   
“You look not okay.” She said, as I then turned my head over towards my desk, and noticing there my demo CD.  The song I wrote for Krystal. I was supposed to hand it over to our manager… persuade him to put it on our next album.  “Ambah-unnie?” she asked again, seeing as I had gotten distracted. I quickly turned back towards her, as I gulped slowly.   
“Uh yeah. I’m – I’m fine, Luna. I promise.” I tried to warmly reassure her with a quick smile, as I began walking towards my desk. I sat down, as I grabbed a hold of the CD. I slowly moved it under the desk to keep it out of sight, and then I began to slowly crack it in two in between my hands. I leaned back into my chair, only a bit, to take a look at the damage.   
  
It had cracked in more than two pieces.   
  
I carefully moved my hands towards the trashcan under my desk, and patted the pieces out of my palms and into the can. I loaded up the draft document for the lyrics to the song "I Just Wanna", and I began to change them.   
  
 _All_  of them.   
  
  
["Goodbye Summer" - F(x) ft. EXO's D.O.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJeV2lwsTlA)  
  
  
 _I remember when we were yelled at for talking in the halls_  
I don't know why it was so fun even when we were being punished  
After that day we always   
Stuck together like the Astro twins, you were me and I was you  
  
You cried so much on the day before graduation  
You held it in firmly since you're a guy  
Just like that hot summer when we couldn't say what we wanted  
Goodbye  
  
What do I say? We didn't have to play no games  
I should have took the chance, I should have asked for you to stay  
And it gets me down the unsaid words that still remain  
The story ended without even starting  
  
Your song on the last day of the school festival, the flickering summer sea  
Our feelings that were precious because we were together  
Like the deepening night sky,   
Goodbye  
  
The friend label is a label that I got to hate  
the feeling I've hid still remain as a painful secret memory  
The photos that can't define our relationship is a heartbreaking story  
I'm sorry, summer, now goodbye  
  
Baby, I'm sorry that this is a monologue  
Actually, I love you  
If our long-time hidden secrets were revealed  
I would hold you in my arms

  
["Say Something" - A Great Big World/Aguilera](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTq3xW7_hCU)  
  
  
“Still forgetting to lock the door?” I asked.  A few weeks had gone by, and December was not forgiving at all when it came to the chilling weather in So K. It was so gawd damn cold.  Of course… that’s not why I’m leaving. It’s because – ‘due to an ankle injury’.  At least, that’s what I wrote on the paperwork I filled out requesting the hiatus. I had said goodbye to everyone already, and left Krystal for the very end. I had opened the door abruptly knowing Sulli was out with her guy.  I stood at Krystal’s doorway with one piece of luggage at my side on the floor, and my bookbag on my back.  She turned around suddenly, a bit surprised, as she eyed me up and down. She was confused. “I’m leaving.” I continued.  She stayed silent, and then slowly turned around back towards her desk, as a slight shock hid below her indifferent demeanor.   
“Holidays?” she asked, as she resumed her whatever task on her laptop.   
“I guess being December would make it seem that way." I paused briefly  "I’m leaving, Krys… I don’t know if I’m coming back.” I said bluntly.  Her fingers slowly paused over her keyboard…   
“Okay…” is all she could fathom to say. Gawd damn it… even now…   
“Even now, that’s all you have to say to me? To your first… ‘love’? That’s what I was, right? Or was it less than that? An experiment? What…?” my voice was slowly rising without me even noticing “What, Krystal?!  _What_  was I?!” She sat still, as she again resumed her task, her fingers beginning to move again over her keyboard.  I scoffed “Alright, fine. You want to not be with me, you want to not have  _this_ … that’s fine! Really, it is…!” I rushed to her side as I bent down to her level, and looked up at her with one last fight left in me. One last push… “ _If_ … that’s what you want…” I whispered in a desperate tone  “… but _please_ … please remember you told me you wanted to make it on  _your_ terms,  _your_ expectations -- you want to do things for  _you_ … So,  _who_ are you doing this for? For yourself? For your sister? For the company…?”  
“Oh, and what about you? You’re doing  _this_ for yourself?” she suddenly turned and snapped at me with her question.  I stood up slowly, regaining my normal demeanor -- coming back to my senses… realizing that her mind was definitely set. I am about to walk away – out of her life, possibly forever -- and she’s not even going to try to talk me out of it... she's not even going to try to stop me…   
“I am… I am doing this for myself, because I, unlike you, still want to make it on my own terms. I really do, and I can’t do it here. Not anymore. Not seeing you without me at every corner, at every second… I can’t focus... I can’t focus seeing you without me, Krystal! I can’t… so, I  _am_ doing this for myself. I'm leaving for me.” I began walking away, as I grabbed the luggage from the floor on my way out her door… and there she stayed – sitting on her chair, fingers on her keyboard, and silence on her lips.  The only muscle she moved was to remove the finger I was pointing at her, and direct it towards me. There was no turning back now.   
  
  
  
"All Passengers Boarding Flight 1216, Please make your way to Gate D3 -- Prepare for Boarding" Said the announcer through the speakers, right after saying the same thing in Korean.   
  
I was still standing in that same spot, subconsciously --  _tightly_  gripping the straps of my bookbag, as it hung from one of my shoulders. My eyes kept scanning the area in front of me. 180 degrees to the left, back to the right, and back to the left again, rapidly -- and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breath at the sight of her not being... here.  As if my hopes were just too high -- too high hopes of her, at some point, just bolting into the airport, shouting out my name, stopping me in my tracks from getting on that plane...  helping me catch my breath -- just like in the movies.   
  
But… this wasn't a movie, and she wasn't here. She wasn't going to stop me... So, I lowered my head, as I slowly caught my own breath, and brought myself back down to reality -- and seeing that light that I felt she once gave me, slowly dim away into a blackout again...

  
  
Krystal was still found sitting quietly at her desk, her fingers incessantly typing – glued to her keyboard. Her eyes were focused. She had been translating some of her writings and poems from English to Korean for her own pleasure.  She enjoyed the mere discovery of the different analogies in each language, and the way in which both languages added their own unique melody to each verse. The verses in each language said the same thing, but they just sounded different -- so beautiful in their own right, in their own way…   
  
 _We can’t deny it, it’s over between us_  
  
… read the middle verse in the song she wrote for Amber, ‘Airplane’…    
  
Her fingers paused.   
  
“Assero bujeonghal su eobseul geol urin kkeutiran geol…” she translated the verse under her breath, as she blankly stared into the screen in front of her. The blinking cursor taunting her, as her lips began to tremble.   
  
Her eyes slowly lowered to find teardrops on her desk. Her hands slowly moved towards the edge of the desk, her fingers pressing onto the edge tightly… and in one forceful motion, she pushed the desk back, harshly, as it slammed against the wall behind it. Krystal’s breathing became heightened, as she stood up from her chair abruptly, and violently pushed it to the floor. She was hyperventilating, as she grabbed onto her laptop and slammed it against the floor, as well. The screen cracked, as she bent down to the floor with her face in between her knees, her fingers sinking up slowly into her hair, and her eyes shut tight… but she wasn’t done.   
  
“Fuck…!” her voice ached loudly with anger, as she stood up abruptly “Fuck…! Fuck! Fuck!” throwing the lamp from her nightstand towards the floor, the bulb shattering and the pieces scattering all over the tile… as she then immediately pulled onto the curtains attached to the windows of her dorm room, ripping them at the seams. Her now weakening hands then making their way towards the rest of the items that were still remaining over her desk – the items that didn’t make the fall together with her laptop – shoving them all towards the floor, as she let herself plop down together with them… There was an intense red that was outlining along her fingers, as she noticed she had landed over the shards of the shattered bulb.   
  
"She's gone..." her voice barely audible, as she blankly stared down towards her hands. A shivering shock still recurring all throughout her body.   
  
She was panicking helplessly…  
  
"Fuck..." she said in a whisper, as her tears continued to fall... mixing in with her blood.   
  
She was sobbing furiously… 

  
 _And It's falling down, as you walk away._  
And it's on me now, as you go.  
["The Mess I Made" - Parachute ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSapz4iH_68)

  
  
  
  
 **To Be Continued**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Notes:

Shout out to CloudCute for mixing around some ideas with me, for the great suggestions for this chapter, and the next chapter to come. We are both out to hurt all of you. No regrets. =D 


	21. A Crystal Shatters - Part 1

_A Crystal Shatters_

 

 _Is there ever anything more profoundly annoying than the simple thought of knowing that you did everything in your power to not end up… Right. Here. Where you are now, and here you are?_  
  
I’ve always wanted to travel through time, jump through time, fly through time… never _stop_ time. I could feel the stiff marks of the tears over my cheeks, dried out from sitting in place for what felt like an infinite and unknown amount of time. Time had stopped, it seemed. The world had stopped spinning; and I imagined water freezing on its way into a cup, words suspended in mid air and entangled in the oxygen they’re traveling in, and apparent death everywhere because all hearts stopped beating. Maybe the now, sudden and harsh silence in contrast to my earlier screams and sobs made it seem that way… made it seem as if time stopped.   
  
Why did I react like this?  
  
I lift a finger from out of my own blood to test my theory, and I realize it really hurts. A lot. I realize I can move, I can feel, and I can lift up my eyes towards the room.  
  
What. Have I. Done?  
  
I slowly push myself up to stand, _barely_ , as I spot my phone on the floor together with a few other things that were just earlier on my desk. I unlock the screen, and there it is. There is Time. Still ticking. It never actually stopped, neither has this strange pain in my chest. Definitely something I’ve never felt before. Another novel feeling, but this one…  I do not like.  From this feeling -- is this where my screams and sobbing came from? It couldn’t have been anything else. It feels like… it feels – what does it feel like?  
  
Like, thousands of paper planes set on fire before they’ve ever taken their first flight, deliberately balancing yourself at the edge of a cliff, being attached to the hook of a fishing pole and thrown into a pool filled with killer white sharks. They won’t eat you, though. They just keep coming at you one by one, jaw wide open and swim away.  It feels like… being a pumpkin on Halloween. You’ll be getting slowly carved into, your insides taken out, and you’ll be turned into a Jack-o-Lantern. Forced to put on a face – an emotion – you never had. It feels like the eerie sound that plays right before an Ed Gein inspired psychopath raises his knife in front of the shower curtains. It feels like… the list is too long.  
  
And I don’t even know what any of this _means_ ; it just makes sense to say.  
  
Is this the pain of lost love that Amber kept telling me horrors about? Is this what she was talking about when she said that love wasn’t worth it? Probably worse… Is this feeling the feeling she was risking to feel again, just to love me? To love _me_? _Me_?! Oh gawd! Why would anyone risk feeling this way?! _Fuck_! It really hurts. It hurts so gawd damn much. As I stood in front of the sinks in our bathroom stalls washing out the blood from my hands, bandaging their cuts… I realized that the pain in my chest just started to feel greater. It could be that the pain of the cuts on my hands temporarily disguised this pain in my chest. It could be, and knowing that Amber risked feeling this way to love me… it just made my pain worse. For some reason, my brain just couldn’t withstand the idea of her being gone… for some reason.  
  


\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**FLASHBACK**

My mother opened the door of our house, and her hand immediately met my cheek with a slap.  
“You just got here and you’re already causing havoc?!” my mother said to me, as she angrily stood at the door.  Her glare nearly pierced a hole into my face.  
“Eomma… I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I said defensively and intimidated, as I held a hand to the cheek she slapped.  
“Shut up and get inside…” she said in between her gritted teeth. She stepped to the side of the door, allowing me to pass. I slowly walked past the door with my head hung low, embarrassed. “And why are you so late?” she continued. I knew Jessica was innocently and perfectly sitting at the dinner table. I knew she was hearing everything. This is _beyond_ embarrassing.    
“I only have the bus and the taxis right now, Eomma.”  
“We need to get you your license as soon as possible then, Appa will get you a car. Being late is not tolerated in this family. You know this.” If only she knew that I’m late to nearly everything in my life. As I walked into the dining room I could still hear my mother ranting at me as she followed behind. And there was unnie, flawlessly pointing in the direction of my seat at the table. She then brought that same finger to her lips, signaling me to just keep quiet. As if I didn’t already know. Of _course_ I’ll keep quiet… we both know better than to retaliate with mother.  But, I really wanted to. I’m _supposed_ to. I’m supposed to put my foot down this time, right? Is that not what I promised myself I would do?  
“So, what is this?!” my mother slammed an article cut from the newspaper onto the table, right in between the bibimbap and the baechu kimchi. It was the news about me being at Club Octagon with my ‘boyfriend’ last night. I held back a smirk, my hand still against my cheek rubbing it ever so slightly. “Are you going to answer me?” she insisted, angrily.  Way to ruin my appetite… _oh_ , but I’m lying.   _Nothing_ can ruin my appetite. I couldn’t _wait_ to get a piece of that beachu, ‘stuff my face’ as Amber says.  ‘They’re going to put us on a strict diet, might as well start now’ I told Amber at Taco Bell. I am so full of poop. I should actually eat a lot _now_ … _before_ they put us on the diet. That would make more sense.  
“You know that all I have to do is breathe, and the media will say I exhaled a tornado, Eomma… It’s the curse of the Jungs, follows me wherever I go.” I wittingly said, as I sat and began to eagerly serve myself. Good enough for a first time ‘foot down’ attempt. Baby steps, little Jung. “Ow!” she slapped my hand before I could finish putting the first scoop on my plate.  
“You wait for your Appa.” My mother said, even angrier due to my comment, as she made her way towards her seat at the table.  Jessica looked at me with wide eyes, shocked that I would get witty with mother.   
I sighed deeply, and after a brief and uncomfortable silence,  
“Her name is Amber, Eomma.” I said, as I annoyingly stared down at my empty plate. My mother doesn’t see me in forever, and has already hit me twice in the span of just minutes simply for being a Jung that isn’t my sister.  
“ _That_ is a girl?” my mother asked, astonished.  
“She just dresses a bit different, that’s all.” I explained, knowing well she was referring to the clothes she was wearing. Little did she know that _I_ was the one who picked those out for her.  
“Soojung, this ‘girl’ is _not_ a ‘that is all’.  Where did you meet this… this…?”  
“She was recruited together with me at the auditions, Eomma. She’s going to be part of my group.”  
“Oh no… no, no, no. I will _not_ allow that. I am contacting Young-min first thing tomorrow morning. This is absolutely _absurd_.”  
“How? How is this ‘absurd’? She’s different. We _need_ different. Different is good.” I objected.  
“You can be different and be normal at the same time, Soojung. Bah! No wonder you ran into trouble first thing, running around with _this_ kind of people.”  
“It was my idea to…”  
“You should know better, Jung Soojung!” she interrupted me “Your sister has been in this industry for much longer, and not a _single_ scandal. You just get here, and _look_ at you! And look at the relations that you’re making already! _You_ should have known better. You’re a Jung! Act like one!” it’s her favorite hobby, to beat me down until there’s nothing left, and then sit me back on that scale against my sister. Measuring me… am I still Jessica? I had a good start, though. It might take a while to regain back that ‘foot down’ confidence.  
“If you would just let me explain…” I attempted to speak again, but my father interrupted with his entrance.  Better than mother interrupting, I suppose.  
“There’s my princess…” Appa said to me, as he peaked towards me from the stairs he was coming down from. The room went silent as a sign of respect towards his presence. He approached me with a faint smile, completely unaware of the current atmosphere.  I wasn’t sure if to feel relieved or nervous. I think I felt both. I bowed with my head as he stood in front of my chair, looking down at me with that aged and rugged smile. He placed his hand at the top of my head, and kissed my forehead lovingly. We weren’t very affectionate in the Jung family, so this was definitely him showing his excitement of seeing me for the first time in a while.  He circled around Jessica’s chair, affectionately squeezing her shoulder as he passed by to make his way towards his seat, and Jessica bowed her head at his action. “The Jungs, together again.” He said proudly, as he looked at each of us around the table.  My father is definitely a proud man. He takes pride in his creations, and that includes Jessica and I, right alongside his many other great money investments. Though, he still manages to stay humble, and this can either be good or bad.  It’s good because, in between him and my mother, it makes him my favorite.  It’s bad because it makes him a very easy target for my mother to manipulate.  My dad is absolutely _whipped_ by my mother, then again… we _all_ are. He’ll do anything to please her. “Please, let’s say our blessings for this wonderful meal.” He continued.  I should have never agreed to be part of this stupid company, I should have just stayed in school and never gotten up for that stupid audition, and I should have just stayed at the dorms and watched that movie with Amber.  
  
Amber… That different girl. That different and special girl.

**END FLASHBACK**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Soojung…!” a surprised voice enters the dorm room. It was Sulli.  “Oh god, what happened?” she slowly walked in as she took a brief moment to look around the room, and then rushed to my side where I had begun sweeping the shards from the floor, hanging her purse behind her on the knob of the door. I looked up with a bit of shock, because I earlier tried to convince myself that I would be able to pick everything up before she got back. At least the only things left were the shards on the floor from the broken bulb, and the torn curtain.  
“Oh, n-nothing.” I said with a small crack in my voice, and then promptly cleared my throat “Nothing.” I rushed a smile as I briefly raised my face to see her, still continuing to sweep.  
“What do you mean nothing…? And your hand?” she objected, as she hesitantly reached out one of her hands towards my bandaged one. I flinched lightly, and raised my face once again quickly.  
“I slipped.” I said as I forced a nonchalant shrug “I slipped… and tried to grab onto the curtain, but I fell anyway. Broke my lamp.” I continued to sweep. I’ve been keeping it from her… we’ve talked about _everything_ … with the exception of Amber and I. These feelings had been too new for me, and I didn’t know who it would be okay to tell them to.  Sure, Sulli and I talk all the time, but mostly about family, gossip, and… her and Choiza.  It had gotten to the point where Choiza took up almost 90% of our conversations.  But… that’s normal right? Boy talk. I have no ‘boy talk’. She told me how she finally lost her virginity to him, and what was I supposed to say? Oh, and by the way, I lost my virginity to a girl… and that girl is Amber? I’m already a bit overwhelmed knowing that my sister knows… and now _this_ happens? What do I say now? ‘Hey, Sulli… remember when I told you that I had no boy crushes whenever you asked me? I lied. I had a girl crush instead, which is Amber, and we’re currently dating.  Also, she just left because of me, and so I’m now currently wallowing in self-pity, and have recently just discovered quite possibly one of the worst feelings in the world… to which I don’t have a name for yet. But, I will soon.  How do you feel about that, Sulli?’ I’d risk losing my soul-mate when I now need her the most… And of course I know that if I _did_ lose her after telling her the truth, then she probably wasn’t a good friend to begin with. Good friends would stick by you even if you’re not normal, right? But, the thing is that right now I don’t care about what kind of person she _may_ be… Right now I just want her to be the kind of person that is _here_ , and that doesn’t leave… So, right now more than ever, I can’t risk losing my soul-mate.  Even if all she has time for lately is Choiza, and all I get at the end of the day are the leftovers.  
“Soojungah! You’re so clumsy!” she said in a jokingly but worried tone, as she picked up the dustpan and hunched down onto the floor to help me sweep up the shards.    
  
I just don’t want her to leave.  
  
I didn’t want _her_ to leave... Amber. I wanted her to stay. I thought I was going out of my way to ensure that our careers were protected _because_ I didn’t want to lose her.  This isn’t just some high school. In this industry, far worse things can happen that go beyond just bullying.  If our relationship was ever found out… if _we_ were ever found to be _that_ way… they would have separated us for sure. They’d break her contract even, my parents would have an excuse to recluse me, and I would _never_ see her again. Yet because of my attempts at avoiding this _very_ situation, I ended up causing it… and she is gone either way...

 _Is there ever anything more profoundly annoying than the simple thought of knowing that you did everything in your power to not end up… Right. Here. Where you are now, and here you are?_  
  
I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand up to my mother, to Jessica, to _everyone_. I wanted to be that girl for myself _and_ for Amber… but when I was faced with the actual reality of what it means to be _this_ way in this world -- to be gay, to be different, to want to break stereotypes, to want to live up to my own expectations… when I was actually faced with it all… I became a chicken, scared at the idea that maybe I don’t really have what it takes. If I can’t even be myself to love someone else, how can I ever find the courage to be myself in every other aspect of my life without fearing retaliation?  I couldn’t be different, I couldn’t put my foot down, and I couldn’t bring myself to just risk _something_. I would gladly take any amount of slaps in the face from my mother right now instead of feeling this way. I just wanted to ensure that our lives stayed intact, and just being happy with merely seeing her on our schedules. That was good enough for me, but now it’s horrible for everyone. Now she’s gone… and now I don’t get to see her at all.  Amber was right… I _did_ kill myself, and all I’ve left myself with are the pieces of me left to be picked up… or swept rather.     
  


_“But as for me, I’m coming to my final failure. I’ve killed myself with changes trying to make things better,  
but ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be.”_   
__[Bright Eyes - "A Perfect Sonnet"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlZTel358l4&feature=youtu.be)

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**FLASHBACK**

I press the ignore button on my phone for like the fifteenth time again today after the confession – Amber’s confession to me on stage. And every time that button got pressed, my fear grew more and more. Mother does not take lightly at being ignored. I was postponing the inevitable, and being a hypocrite all at the same time. I had just finished telling Amber that I loved her for the very first time, that everything would be okay, and that she should speak to her mom, that her mom would understand if she just explained… I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with this fearless charade. Knowing that I had to call mother back, it was really killing the high I felt after hearing ‘I love you’ in return… I know Amber had already corresponded my feelings, but hearing them touch the air again in such concrete form… Not even fifty-thousand plus Hanja characters could ever express this feeling.  
  
“Living in America has blinded you!” my mother had already gone past the ‘yelling for five minutes about not picking up the phone earlier’ part.  She was now on the ‘bashing on my horrible choice in values’ part, and my responses were limited to ‘mhhm’ and ‘yes, Eomma’. “I knew we should have _never_ stayed there! I made good with convincing Appa to bring the family back to Korea, and you need to make good by bringing your values back to the root of what your Appa and I have taught you! Soojung, I do not want you seeing this friend anymore. This friend of yours is going to tarnish you, your group, and the company! What girl says these things about another girl?! And I do not care for her different culture, Soojung! Do you really think I will believe that?!”

**END FLASHBACK**

**\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

 

While my mother was putting weight on me about not seeing Amber, I would have never thought that Jessica would be doing the same with Amber behind my back. It felt easy at the time, because whenever I was with Amber, there was no way my parents could ever be around. The weight did not seem as heavy, but of course… my sister just _had_ to be added onto that. Having my mother belittle me at home just wasn’t enough. My sister had to belittle me at work, as well…  
“Did you say bye to Amber already?” Sulli asked, as she finished helping me sew up the curtain, at least until we can request a new one.  She knew how much I detested the light that came through into the room without it.  
“Yeah, she stopped by right before catching her plane.” I quickly smiled with a light nod.  
“I hope she gets better soon. Do you think they’ll still continue with our schedule without her?”  
“I’m not sure… maybe.” They probably would. Many are probably even _glad_ that she’s gone. They wouldn’t have to contrast us with her boyish outfits anymore. Ugh… the idea is repulsive. To think they’d try to capitalize on her absence. Then again, what does M-Town _not_ capitalize on? They’d capitalize on our tears if it was possible.  
  
Speaking about being belittled at work and M-Town capitalize on our tears, they definitely continued with our schedules.   
“I know Amber is not with us today, but we need to still work hard _for_ her until her ankle gets better, right?” Jang said, as he helped us stretch out in the dance room. The very next day of Amber’s departure, they worked us harder than ever to make up for her absence. We had several holiday appearances and performances coming up. “You know the drill ladies -- and one, two, queue music.” Jang continued.  We had a performance the very next day, and the day after that, and the day after that… and the day after that, and then a radio appearance the very next morning. We were _all_ paying the price, not just me… and all I could think about was how much of my fault it was.  
  
“What’s this?” I said, pointing towards the outfits that were not the usual ones for our performance. We were all in the changing rooms getting ready to step out on stage and perform “Mr. Boogie”.  
“They changed the outfits for tonight last minute; they thought it’d be sexier.” Victoria said with a shrug. She was apathetic to the idea.  
“Or more uncomfortable?” Luna added, as she picked up the very tight and revealing clothes. Luna was more about wearing more comfortable clothing than the rest were.  
“I like it!” Sulli said excitedly. She seemed to be the only one actually happy about the change. I sighed as I extended and pressed the outfit up against my body, looking down at it with disappointment at how it looked on me.  It was our third night performing, and I felt exhausted. The idea of having to fit into this tiny and tight piece of leather was not appealing at all.  Definitely capitalizing on Amber’s absence… as I figured they would. They probably think they waited long enough to spring it on us on the third performance.  
  
As I stepped onto the stage, I felt my arms shaking, and my face tingling from numbness. I knew we were all tired, and I’ve felt tired before… but this was different. It was scary. I had to continue performing regardless, just as we had to continue performing “La Cha Ta” in the middle of the rain that one time. It just wasn’t professional to stop in the middle of a performance for any reason at all, according to M-Town. If you were dying, die after you completed the performance. I was trying my best to balance my moves, and ignore the fact that the numbness was quickly moving down towards my knees.  My legs began to shake, and as I was singing I could hear my voice beginning to feel far away. All of the sounds began to echo and fade all at the same time…  
  
[Krystal Faints](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5-v0sZQpGI)  
  


“Look, she’s awake.” Jessica’s voice? Where am I? “Hey…” her face was suddenly above mine, but it was still a blur.  I tried to open my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t. It was desert dry and stuck. Another face was added to Jessica’s side. Mother? “Oh, yeah... here you go.” Jessica continued, as she turned around to get me a cup of water, noticing that I had trouble opening my mouth to speak.  
“Good. You’re awake.” My mother said bluntly, as she went back to sitting in a chair across from me. I sat up slowly, and began to drink. “I will let your father know.” She continued. My dad had been on a business trip, so he hadn’t been able to make it to my performances.  
“... What happened? Why am I…?” I began to speak, as I looked around slowly. I noticed I was in the health care room at M-Town headquarters. “Why am I at headquarters?” I had been lying on one of the many beds in the room. It never occurred to me that this room would be something they’d use often… why did they need so many beds? Whatever happened to me, is it something that happens to every idol… often? Jessica noticed the panic in my eyes as they now began to scatter quickly around the room.  
“You fainted. That’s all.” Jessica explained, worry in her eyes as she began to rub my back gently after taking the cup of water away from my hands.  
“I fainted? On stage?” I meant for that to come out in a more exasperated tone, but my body was still not up to it. It was a weak expression, as I still felt myself go limp – my head falling back against the pillow.   
“You were super dehydrated, Krystal. They took you to the emergency room at the hospital first. They had to hook you up to an IV, and everything…” Jessica explained.  
“Yes, but you still looked stunning on stage. So, do not worry. It is just the steep price to pay to get rid of that – whatever she is – you will get used to the new workload soon. You will see.” My mother coldly said.  Amber is gone, and still my mother will not stop. She doesn’t even care that I fainted, but that it’s simply proof of the effort I am putting into this, and making up for the wonderful exit of that tom-bad influence. Apathy: my feeling of choice these days. On top of lacking the energy to reply to her, I also lacked the will. I faintly looked up at Jessica, and I saw her turn towards my mother as if wanting to say something too, but held herself back. She looked back down towards me.  
“The nurse will be back soon… but, what have you eaten today, Soojung?” What _have_ I eaten today? My eyes dosed off to the side, evading Jessica’s face.  I slowly closed them, and saw and _felt_ everything go dark around me. Everything went suddenly mute. Then I slowly opened them again, where they were now in my mother’s direction. I could see her speaking to someone on her cell phone, as sounds slowly started coming back to me, like the ending of songs. Just, instead of the sounds fading out, they were fading back in.  
“… be okay. Yes, darling.  She was just a tad overworked… she…” my mother probably speaking to my father on the phone.  
“Krystal… Krystal…” unnie’s voice got louder in my head, as my eyes looked back up at her once again.  
“I don’t know.” I blurted.  
“What do you mean you don’t know what you ate today?” Jessica replied. I really don’t know.  I really can’t remember the past several days at all.  Someone else was painting over my canvas, so to me it still looks blank. I had simply been going through the motions like an animal – getting by through pure instinct. Insomnia, loss of appetite – _they_ have been painting over my canvas. Not me.  
“As long as we make sure she takes the prescribed supplements and the proper diet change, as the doctor said, she should be fine. How is she doing?” the nurse had made her way into the room and had begun conversing with my mother and sister about my ‘common condition’ of anemia. I suppose not recalling what I’ve eaten for the past several days -- probably did not help either.    
  
The nurse monitored me until I was able to get back to my dorm, where no one was waiting for me. Except Sulli, who was blissfully already asleep. There was only but a note on my desk that said something along the lines of ‘we tried to wait up for you to get back, but our managers made us leave to get rest for our next performance tomorrow. We hope you’re okay. Please message us when you get back to the dorm’ and they signed it ‘-f(3)’.  I had been knocked out for far too long.  I sit down on the corner of my bed in my usual butterfly style, trying to figure out again _why_ a person like me who has never had any quarrels with sleep, can’t – damn it – fall asleep.  When Soojung Jung can’t fall asleep, I know it’s serious. I look behind past my shoulder towards the bed. I finally realize the reason why insomnia and I had been getting along so well for the past several days: Teddy Bear and Parachute blankets.  Why didn’t I realize it before? I sigh deeply, as I reach under my bed for my laptop, thinking that maybe all I need is some digital distraction. Maybe some music or some reading in the hallways, as I used to, will get me sleepy. I pull out my laptop and open it up… of course. I cracked my screen. I sighed. How could I forget? I shamefully slide my laptop back under the bed, still determined with my plan as I grabbed a pillow, my phone and my ear-buds, and made my way out the door and into the hallway.  I position the pillow on the floor, I sit and I lie my back up against the hallway wall right next to the door of my dorm room. I plug in my ear-buds, as I begin to scroll through my phone.  
  
The dimmed lights of the hallway that marked the after-hours of the dorms.  
The bright light of my phone shinning into my face.    
The quiet.  
The kiss.  
  
I sniffle as I feel the tears roll down my cheeks. I attempted to escape one memory, only to be met with another. This very spot… is where I had my first kiss. This very spot is where Amber kissed me for the very first time. So perfectly. So non-cliché. So divine. She not only makes her way into every corner and every crevice of my brain, but also at every turn of this building, and at every single step on the stage.  Why does the memory of our first kiss bring me to tears? It’s so very strange for a memory that was meant to be so beautiful, to turn into something so painful.  What is this feeling?  
  
Nostalgia.  
  
The mourning and longing of a moment that once was, but that will never be again.  
  
I pressed my knees up against my chest, trying to put pressure over this pain that just seemed to get worse by the hour. It felt worse and worse every day. I wrapped my arms tight around my knees and sunk my face in between them and my chest, as I felt more and more teardrops crash down against my thighs.  
  
Is this where the coldness of loss love that Amber spoke of – is this where it begins?  
  
Never again. Never again.  
  


 _"And the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss,_  
reminds you that the memories will fade."  
[Dashboard Confessional - "The Brilliant Dance"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2gh6_CLrZQ)

 

 **Notes:**  
  
I am very sorry that I took so long writing this chapter, which still is not over. It was very difficult for me to transition from Amber's character over to Krystal's character. I do know that I wrote from Krystal's perspective in the chapter of her diary. However, it was easier because we were simply reading things she wrote. In this case, I had to monologue as Krystal, and for me that was very difficult. I spent quite some time getting acquainted with how Krystal thinks, and perceives the world. So, I hope I was able to make that distinction between her and Amber in this chapter -- with the way they talk, think and explain things -- it's very different. Krystal has a very intricate and beautiful mind, and sees the world in a very peculiar way.   
  
http://propertyofmusicwhore.tumblr.com/post/132925385632/jetevois-jsj-youucantgetridofit-sooxxjung  
  
http://67.media.tumblr.com/1b41c165edf95f98541b5aaffedb908a/tumblr_nlronyMau61rb4qwuo1_250.gif

http://propertyofmusicwhore.tumblr.com/post/117026186112/thellamamovement-apparently-soojungs-entire  
  
http://propertyofmusicwhore.tumblr.com/post/93404558517/bbricklover-seriously-how-can-normal-people  
  
http://propertyofmusicwhore.tumblr.com/post/92884167362/soulli-who-is-the-most-absurd-bucket-list  
  
So, I hope I did not disappoint.   
  
This chapter is basically Krystal coming to the horrible realization of the pain of loss love for the very first time, and all of its shitty side affects. We see the why of the decisions she made in the previous chapters, and also realize a whole other level of pressure she was getting that was beyond just her sister Jessica -- something that she hid quite well, and feelings that she left packed up back at her home every time before presenting herself to Amber or the company. Krystal was not expecting Amber's absence to affect and impact her the way it did, and it certainly was not something she wanted. So, stay tuned for the conclusion of this chapter to see what will Krystal do to resolve her current dilemma. Then, we can follow Amber in L.A. to see how she is dealing with this pain, as well.   
  
Thank you again for all of your patience and support. As always, I usually come back to the chapter and edit, add and remove certain things as I see them. Sometimes I miss things when I'm proof-reading. =) 

**Kryber is Love**


	22. A Crystal Shatters - Part 2

_A Crystal Shatters_

  
The next morning, I was lying in bed flat on my chest and with both hands snuggled underneath the pillow, when the vibrations of my phone against the mattress woke me up. I don’t even remember falling asleep. The cloth of the pillow right underneath my cheek was moist. I had dragged myself to bed after crying in the hallway for about half an hour, and then cried even more once I was already in bed. I must have cried myself to sleep last night, how moronic. I would have never pictured me to be that girl. I struggled to pull one of my hands from under the pillow; it was tingling and it almost felt like it had fallen asleep. I reached out towards the phone and groggily brought the screen to my eyes. Sulli was calling me, but I didn’t pick up fast enough so the call dropped.  I groaned, as I let go of the phone and it gently dropped over my face. The phone vibrated again, a short vibration this time. It was a text message from Sulli.  
  
**Ssul:  
                **_“Pick up! You never messaged us that you got back home okay.”_

Because I wasn’t okay. I haven’t been okay. I’m _not_ okay.  
I rolled over onto my back, and lifted the phone above my head to reply to her text _“I’m sorry, Ssul… I didn’t want to bother you all so late. It was just anemia. Why aren’t you in the dorm?”_ It wasn’t just anemia.

 **Ssul** :  
                _“I’m glad you’re okay! Choiza said he wanted to relieve my stress before our last performance tonight… kekekeke…”_

As expected… I replied “ _Jealous! And the others?”_

 **Ssul** :

                _“I think Vic had a shoot and Luna was seeing about a Musical she’s interested in.”_

 **Ssul** :

                _“Get a lot of rest, and be sure to be ready for tonight, Soojungah! <3_

That’s right… we still have one more performance tonight, and then the radio interview in the morning tomorrow.  I thought I had swept and picked up all of my pieces when Amber left, but I’m still constantly falling apart every second of the day… parts of me that I never even knew I had until I see them hitting the floor.  And I’m not allowed to simply call off as sick. Is heartbreak even considered a legitimate illness? Is heartbreak even real or am I just imagining everything? This pain in my chest that hasn’t gone away sure feels real enough. Though, who am I kidding? I fainted last night partly due to my anemia, and M-Town will still have me perform tonight. I’m existing in intervals and the company does not even care. My grieving is spaced out, I can’t recall my meals, and I’m falling asleep and waking without knowing the when and how… I’m a breathing and walking debris. And I have to do it all in between performances. Do it all in between it all.  I didn’t even set an alarm for this morning… I probably wouldn’t have woken up if Sulli hadn’t called me.

 _“I definitely will! =D”_ I replied, trying to play the part of the Jack-o-Lantern that I was now certain I had fully become. My insides torn to pieces, empty, but I needed to smile on the outside because others expected it. Everyone expects it, especially from me. I shove my phone underneath my pillow, and curl up on my side facing the wall. I knew that I could wake up and go on about the day, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay in bed facing this wall, and force myself to fall back asleep so I could just stop feeling for a few extra hours. When I’m awake, my brain is awake, and when my brain is awake, she’s the only thing on it, and when she’s on it and I’m alone, all my brains wants to do is cry; and when she’s on it and I’m _not_ alone, my brain is on overdrive constantly trying to fight back the tears… I could feel them gathering all around my eyes again, when I suddenly heard a knock on my door.

“Coming…” I said softly right after clearing my throat. I patted down my hair, and walked over towards the door to partly open it and peak my head towards the side.  It was Jessica…

“What do _you_ want?” I felt anger, but I wasn’t able to fully express it because the hurt and pain I felt was overwhelming any other feeling I could possibly have. Why was she here?  
“Can I come in?” her tone was mildly apologetic, but still trying to maintain some kind of sternness.  
“Like hell you can… _what_ do you want?” I insisted again.  
“We need to talk.” Her tone had now really become apologetic, as she slightly looked downwards. Still, recalling how she had basically began treating me exactly how mom was treating me, I felt no sympathy.  
“I have nothing to say to you…” I maintained my stance, making sure to hold the door firmly from opening further.  
“Well, I need to say some things to you. Please?”  
“Wow… begging. So unlike you.” Not exactly sympathy… but I felt pity in a way, as I then removed myself from the door. I didn’t bother to open it myself, as I gave Jessica my back and made my way towards my bed.  I sat at the corner, butterfly style.  
“Can I sit?” she asked, as she approached me near the bed.  
“Sure… not like you’re giving me much choice here.” I said in a mildly annoyed sigh. My eyes slightly looked over towards her and then away and down towards the bed. What did she want to talk to me about? Amber isn’t here anymore… what else could she possibly make me feel like a Jack-o-Lantern about… She sat upright near me on the bed, both feet on the floor, and her hands folded neatly over her lap.  
“Krystal…” she began; there was a suspenseful pause, as if she was hesitating to say what she wanted to say. “… how are you feeling?” her tone increasingly becoming more and more apologetic.  
I folded in my lips and released them with a slight popping sound, as I was still looking down towards the bed. “Stabilized.”  
“That’s… a weird mood to respond with.” Jessica said with a slight scoff.  
“I’ve been feeling pretty weird overall lately… so…” I said, a little under my breath.  
“I meant… since last night. You know… I was really worried about you… from fainting and all.”  
“If you were only worried about me fainting last night, you could have just texted me… you know? Either way, I’m fine, I’m…”  
  
[JungSis Tears and Laughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qxwf6Nxytj4)  
  
“I’m sorry.” She blurted as she interrupted me. I turned and looked upwards towards her, her face looking down onto her lap. “This is my fault. What you’re feeling right now… it’s my fault… and I’m so, _so_ sorry.” Her voice shivered.  
“You have no idea… what I’m feeling.” My eyes were coldly fixated onto her.  
“Unfortunately, I know all too well what heartache looks like...” she objected.  
“Just… shut up, please… I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I held back my lips from shivering, and my eyes from leaking... what exactly is going on right now?  
“Everything I did, Krystal… the way I treated you, the things I said, and the way I looked at you… I’m sorry.” She lifted her face and her eyes to meet my cold stare. “I just wanted you to be tough…” she continued.   
“What if I don’t want to be tough?!" I yelled out. "What if I want to be weak?! What if I want to be emotional...?” my voice cracked as the tears began to roll, and my eyes quickly shifted from her towards the closet knob where the crystal and amber pendant hung so discreetly, and back towards her. “… what if I want to love…? What if I wanted to just… be myself?” I broke down, as I muffled my face into my palms. She grew closer towards me, and stroked back my hair and my back. “I’ve been feeling all of these things I’ve never felt before… all alone… all on my own. I had no one… no one to talk to.  No one would listen to me…”  
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more. I’m so sorry, Krys… I was so focused on not seeing you crash, to making you strong in the industry, to keeping you safe, to seeing you succeed… that I forgot to be your unnie… I forgot to be your big sister. Krys, and I am so sorry.” she turned her body towards me and laid my head over her lap, continuing to stroke my hair. I felt a weight had been lifted.  I felt like this gigantic, Jack and the beanstalk-like wall had been lifted from in between us both. That tension that was always there, that _responsibility_ I felt to be her… was gone. I felt like she was allowing me to breathe again. I hadn’t taken a breath like this in years… _years_. She took one of her hands away from me to pull out her phone, and brought the screen towards my eyes. It was a picture of two girls… kissing.  
  
One was her.  
  
The other…  
  
Yuri.  
  
I was shocked, which queued me to slowly raise my head from her lap, my eyes still fixated on the screen. I was speechless.  
  
“Yuri unnie… and…” I managed to say.  
“I had made a decision… thinking that it was best for my career. But I made that _your_ decision, too. And I shouldn’t have, and it doesn’t need to be…” she explained, as I raised my glance to meet her eyes. “Like I said… I am also way too familiar with what heartache looks like…” she finished, as I slowly wiped away the tears from my eyes with the back of my hands. My sister and I... I guess we're not so different after all...   
“Are you… still…”  
“Together? No.” she completed and answered my question.  “I guess this is why mom likes me… I’ve always sacrificed who I am to be what she wants… but that doesn’t have to be you, Krystal. Not all of us can cope with that kind of sacrifice.” She then scoffed “Plus… mother liking someone isn’t really anything to be proud of…” she joked.  “From now on… I’m going to protect you from that, which is what I should have done a long time ago.” she reached her hand to cup my cheek. “I promise…” she continued. I was still so shocked. She then quickly and awkwardly pulled away, as she looked down at the picture on her phone.  
“Yuri unnie… she didn’t leave.” I said softly, still trying to process everything she was telling me.  
“Leave? Because of my decision? No. She understood. Why? Is that why Amber left?” she turned off her screen, and looked back up towards me with worry. I nodded slowly. “I thought it was… because of the ankle… she’s on a hiatus… right? That’s what I read.”  
“It’s not true… she told me she doesn’t know if she’s ever coming back…”  
“What did you tell her…?”  
“I lied… I told her that I didn’t love her anymore… she was so insistent. I didn’t know what else to do… I didn’t think she would decide to leave…”  
“Oh, Krys… why didn’t you just tell her exactly how you were feeling…?”  
“I didn’t get the manual for ‘how to break up with your suicide survivor girlfriend when it’s your very first relationship, and therefore you have no idea what the hell you’re doing while at the same time coping with your newly found sexuality’. Is that something I can download online?” I cynically joked.  
“I suppose not…” Jessica said with soft and sad smile. "Wait, suicide survivor?"  
"Long story..."  
"Oh..."   
“Yeah… I panicked. I was stupid.”  
“You weren’t stupid… you were afraid and confused, and I wasn’t _there_ for you... I promise, we’ll be seeing each other like this – face-to-face — more often. You can consult with me from now... I'm going to be your big sister, Krys. I'll start with: You have to fix it. _We_ have to fix it.” She said, sounding a bit enthusiastic. “You have to get her back.”  
“There’s no way…! I don’t have any of her current contact information from L.A., I mean I could try e-mailing her or Jackie… I… I don’t know…”  
“No! Go _see_ her! Go and actually _get_ her back!”  
“I physically can’t… our schedules are full…” I sighed deeply. Getting in contact with Amber seemed a little farfetched as of right now. Though, I wonder if maybe any of our managers would be inclined to get me her information if I asked. It is confidential information that would only be given through consent, but I thought if maybe my Jung ties would actually be of use for once. Even then though… even if I _did_ get her contact information… I wouldn’t be able to fly to L.A. with my schedule, and what if I try to call her and she ignores me? There was so much I _now_ wanted to do, but couldn’t. Then it hit me:  
  
_“fine… don’t be with me… but don’t do it out of not being who you are…”_  
  
Maybe I _couldn’t_ get Amber back as of right now, but Amber wasn’t the only thing I lost when I decided to be someone else.

A demo CD slammed against Kim Young-min’s desk.  
“No, yeah… that should be fine. And then we can close that deal tomorrow, I agree…” Young-min hastily trying to end a business call, as he signed several papers on his desk at the same time.  
  
I had lost my ambition.  
I had lost my own expectations.  
I had lost my main goal.  
  
“Jung Soojung…! Please take a seat. What’s this?” he said, pointing towards the CD with his nose, as he then continued to hastily sign more papers. “What can I help you with?”  
“I want you to listen to my demo. I wrote a couple of songs that I think will fit this concept -- idea that I have for our next album.” I hesitantly said, but tried to force confidence. His pen stopped moving, as he then slowly looked up at me.  
“You know…” he reclined back into his chair. “Miss Jung called me in the past, and told me that you had talked to her about possibly presenting this to me. She told me that she told _you_ to not do it, and told me to not listen to you if you _did_ do it.”  
“I don’t care about what my mother said.” I said firmly. I can’t believe I just said that out loud. I was shaking from the inside out.  There was a brief pause right before a smirk slowly grew over Young-min’s lips.  
“Good. Me either.” He chuckled and quickly went back to signing papers. I let out a small sigh of relief. “You know, she also called me about getting rid of one of your members, Amber Liu – who is currently the best selling idea we’ve had in a while… I bet she’s happy now that she’s gone.” He mildly shook his head with disappointment. “I will see if I have time, though. We’re currently swamped with booking all of your groups’ traveling plans for the upcoming reality show, and – it’s just a little crazy right now.”  
“Traveling plans?” I asked, puzzled.  
“Yeah, it’s in your upcoming schedule. It'll be called 'f(x) Koala'. We’re going to have you guys promoting in Tokyo, Los Angeles, Hong…”  
“Los Angeles...?”  
“Uhh… yes.” He continued, as his face was sunk into his papers still, clearly busy and distracted. “We don’t have all of the details yet, which is why we haven’t… Soojung?”  
He had looked up for me, but it was too late. An overload of happiness had already lit my feet on fire, and had zoomed me out of the office with excitement... an excitement that I could not contain.   
  
I’m going to get her back.

 

 _"Now I'm heels over head, I'm hanging upside down, thinking how you left me for dead -- California-bound._  
And when you hit the coast, maybe you'll finally see, and then you'll turn it around and you'll come back to me"  
["Heels Over Head" - Boys Like Girls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oyCRLDqsCM)

  
  
  
  
**To be continued...**  
  
  
  
Notes:  
  
The whole point of this chapter is to bond the Jung Sisters together, which in turn gives Krystal strength to be who she really is. As much as Krystal hates it, she subconsciously also compares herself to her sister, and secretely looks for her approval, which is why it weighed on her so much more than her mother when Jessica confronted her about Amber. Having Jessica's approval and also being able to relate to Jessica, seeing that they are not as different as she thought they were, really gave Krystal perspective and strength. JungSis bond is OP AF (overpowered as fawwwwwk xD). I wanted to build their relationship from what they had talked about from real life interviews, saying how they used to fight a lot when they were younger, but eventually they became closer. While Krystal's mom only cares about the Jung reputation, Jessica was always just trying to put up the stronger sister front to make sure Krystal was kept safe, and so it was never Jessica's intention to hurt her the way she did. Krystal recalls that her fear of being who she is really did not only ruin her relationship with Amber, but also everything she had planned for herself in this career. Having the strength to get Amber back is really just a bonus. Now, she was no longer fearful to bring up her career ideas that her mother had suppressed, which in turn also takes away her fear to be with Amber.   
  
P.S. I tried to do the soundcloud thingy, but it only allows me to use the full song if I upgrade the soundcloud account. =( Other than that, it only shows me short previews of the song. 


	23. Familiarly Unexpected

_Familiarly Unexpected_

__  


 

I stood outside of the exit gates of the airport in Los Angeles, gripping tightly onto the strap of my book-bag and my other luggage held in my other hand. “Damn it, man… I forgot to bring an umbrella.” I said to myself under my breath, while staring at all of the cars going back and forth, people getting picked up – both cars and people getting _soaked_. How could I forget about the typical and unforgiving Los Angeles rain of December?  
  
Cold and sharp.

[Blink 182 - Down ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P99rHN-152E)

  
I really needed to react -- call a cab or somebody. _Anybody_. But I couldn’t move. I was back in L.A. again. _Fucking hell_.  Back in L.A.? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t believe it. It’s like I had been numb or completely out of my body during the entire flight back; but touching ground now, feeling the concrete underneath my Jordans, smelling the air, seeing the faces, reading the signs – it all felt so _damn_ surreal. It’s that feeling you get when something horrible happens that you never thought could ever happen to you.  And as you’re seeing it all unfold, you still can’t believe it, even though it’s _right_ in front of your _stupid_ face; even though you’re experiencing it first hand, live and rolling… just like watching a movie or something, or watching myself in my own dream. I’m seeing the rain fall, and I don’t believe it. I _still_ don’t believe it – that I’m here.  And the more I try to convince myself that this was for the best, the more of a failure I feel like. Telling myself that I made a decision to come back here because it was good for me, but yet why do I still feel like I ran away instead? Ran away because I had no other choice; ran away because of fear, because of _bullshit_ \-- because I literally cannot keep my heart stuffed up my sleeve.  It all felt so totally and _completely_ surreal. I’m here where she isn’t. I’m here and outside of my dream. This is all like some cruel and sick time reversal joke. I’m back to square one, and the only difference is that my heart is just more bruised up than it was before.  
  
_Gosh_ … never the _fuck_ again.  
  
“Whatever…” I said under my breath, almost deflated and followed by a resigned sigh. I was pouting like a baby and holding it back as much as I could. Too late now for regrets, to turn back or anything else… I’m here _now_. I gotta think positive, right?  
  
I take a deep breath in and let it out, raise my hand away from my book-bag strap and call a cab.  
  
I _gotta_ think positive. Surprising my mom and my sister for the holidays is a start. They have no idea I’m here, or that I requested a hiatus. For all they know, I’m drowning in schedules right now. Well, I _am_ drowning. Not in a flood of schedules, but in a _totally_ different flood – a tsunami that I predicted, that I saw coming in the cracks… and didn’t move.  
  
  
The door of my once home opens and I was hella nervous about it being my mom, being that I had basically avoided her for months just to not have _that_ conversation. I expected to see Jackie, but instead “Amber?” he said with a confused yet surprised look that slowly turned into a soft smile.  
“Whoa, sexy Hispanic dude alert.” I jokingly said. It was Esteban, and the joke came out of me like a broke-down reflex. It’s like I picked up the cup expecting orange juice, and it was water – not a very great feeling. Being able to see Jackie right now was probably the single thing I was looking forward to, hoping that maybe the sight of her would be enough to at least catch a glimpse of a floating lifesaver somewhere in the middle of this shit flood.  
“Esteban, I said to not answer the door…” Jackie’s voice crept up behind Esteban’s shoulder in a whisper. “Jo?!” she exclaimed the second she saw me, as her head popped up right behind him.  
“Jackie, I don’t think we have a 911 for sexy Hispanic dudes inhabiting our home.” I said, as I held a fixated and half baked smile on my face, and feeling my eyes grow slightly wide the second Jackie hit my line of vision. I felt a moment of internal panic and almost confusion, because I was psyched to the fullest to finally see my sister again, but also afraid _because_ she’s my sister – if anyone could read the words behind this mask, it was her.  
  
Esteban bashfully laughed. I was definitely chocked, and tried to hide it as best as I could.  
  
There she was… my family.  
  
Running out the joke was the only thing I could muster to say in order to keep myself from bawling from joy and pain all at the same time.  
“What – what are you doing here!?” Jackie’s surprise also turned into a smile, as she imposed herself in front of Esteban to reach out and attack me in a sudden hug.  I took a while to wrap my arms around her, but I did eventually, as a short-lived sense of relief came over me.  I was disappointed, the dosage of happiness I was expecting -- it just wasn’t enough. It was supposed to last longer… _what the hell_?  
“What am _I_ doing here? What is _he_ doing here?” I responded. I knew what he was doing here, but it was just a too easy of a tease to pass on.  Jackie held the hug for a little longer “I’ll take a wild guess and say… you? He’s doing you?” I continued, as she suddenly released the hug, took away the snapback covering my head and ruffled up my hair.  
“Not even two seconds of you being here and you’re already embarrassing me. You make me _so_ proud.” She said. We all laughed and started to walk into the house, as Esteban grabbed a piece of my luggage to help bring it in. “Either way, do _not_ tell mom.” She finished.  
“Where _is_ mom, by the way…? Oh gosh… what happened to our house?” I said, as we walked into the living room. It was a mess. I dropped my book-bag on the couch, and briefly made my way towards the bedrooms to peak. They were _just_ as messy, probably more.  
“Kind of what happens when the only OCD person of the house leaves. Oh, and mom is at a Church retreat…” Jackie shouted out, as she had made herself over to the kitchen. Esteban had brought my luggage into my bedroom, and then followed Jackie towards the kitchen, as well. “… She has no idea Esteban is here, and she’d _flip_ if she knew I’ve been having him over while alone. Which is _why_  he wasn’t supposed to answer the door.” She jokingly glared at her boyfriend as he walked into the kitchen.  
“You mean what happens when a Blastoise and a Charizard have a face off?” I said, as I had also made my way over towards the kitchen, and began leaning over the dining table. Jackie was fetching something in the fridge, and Esteban seemed to be stirring something over the stove top.  
“Wouldn’t be much of a face off _or_ a mess. Blastoise would end Charizard with a single Surf move.” Jackie said, as she placed a cup of water right in front of me on the table.  
“Okay, see? This is why my Pokémon card collection will always be better than yours. Charizard can fly, dude, and he knows way more than just fire moves. He can dodge _any_ water attacks Blastoise throws his way, _easy_.”  I objected.  
“Unless Blastoise makes it rain.” Esteban chimed in, as he turned his face over his shoulder. Jackie chuckled softly and planted a smooch over his lips as thanks for being her knight and shinning armor or whatever.  
“Okay. Ew and pshh… what?” I scoffed  “Rain dance? 50% increase in power won’t mean nothing if Charizard is dodging in the air, duh!” I defended Charizard’s honor as I sipped on my water. Jackie’s arms were wrapped around Esteban’s waist from behind as he continued to attend to the stove top, completely oblivious to my counter-argument. “Umm, guys? There are children in the room, ya’ know?” I said with a chuckle.   
“Yeah, yeah, yeah… whatever you say." She let go of his waist and began to walk towards me. Hey, Llama… can we talk for a sec?” Jackie asked, as her tone went from cool relaxed to seriously worried, and my guts convulsed into some shape that probably doesn’t even exist.  I started coughing uncontrollably as the last sip of water I had taken made its way down the wrong pipe. I slowly lowered the cup of water back onto the table and nodded, as she placed a hand on my arm, pulling me aside and into the living room. “Are you okay?” she asked, as her hand unwrapped itself from my arm, and began to instead rub it gently.   
“Oh yeah…” I responded, still finishing a cough “… just wrong pipe.” I released a deep sigh right after clearing my throat one last time  “… you know.” I finished.  
“No… I mean… what are you doing here? I asked you earlier at the door and you avoided my question.” She insisted -- clearly reading every single comma, period, apostrophe, sentence and paragraph plastered against the skin of my face as my mask was slowly running thin.  
“Oh… umm…” I chuckled nervously as I gulped “Uhh… surprise…!” the wimpiest effort for an excited tone of voice I have ever done in my entire life. Period. And it fell off _pretty_ evidently right at the very end, just like the sound of a Weezing.  
“Surprise?” she said in slight disbelief and confusion, as she took a step back to take a better look at me.  
“Yeah, _dork_!” I poked her shoulder with a slight push. “I wanted to surprise you and mom for the Holidays, uhhh _duh_?”  
“But you sent me your schedule. I _saw_ your schedule. There was no way you could come, remember? We talked about this.”  
“Yeah… and I requested a hiatus. I uhh…” I looked down at my not so injured ankle, and was ashamed myself at how full of shit I actually was. “I injured my ankle, so… ooooh! Kind of like an honorable discharge.”  
“That’s a general discharge, not an honorable discharge.” She teasingly shook her head at my mistake, and bent down to take a closer look at my ankle. I raised my foot slightly signaling which one. “You’ve been fine this whole time, what’s wrong with it?” she asked.  
“Well, it’s good enough to walk on just not good enough for performances. Those dance moves would take a much larger toll on it, you know?” I nodded at what I said, and also at myself for successfully replacing my mask.  
“I call bullshit. Why are you here?” she sternly said, as she had suddenly appeared right in front of my face again. She was serious.  
“W-what?!” I scoffed. “Dude, I’m serious. Why else would I be here?”  
“I dunno, Jo…” she sighed as her serious facade faded so suddenly, as her eyebrows furrowed into this deep worried sadness… almost like helplessness. I’m sure she felt helpless at knowing exactly what was wrong, knowing exactly what was written behind mask after mask… after mask, after mask – but unable to get me to confess.  She was _begging_ me to give in.  “… _you_ tell _me_ … why else?” she finished.  
I was stumped at the look in her eyes.  My own eyes grew wide as I was caught off guard. I gulped and turned my gaze to the side, ever so slightly, away from hers, as I then entered into an internal panic. My brand new mask had shattered instantly at her reaction. I was panicking because I was finding it increasingly harder to continue to hide my feelings… I used to be so good at it. I was panicking because I had no idea what was happening. I was panicking because I had been trying so hard to not think about _her_ in such a specific way. And so, just like a wounded animal that’s been pushed into a corner…  
“Will you just _back_ off?! _Gosh_ …!” I exclaimed in an angry tone, storming over towards my book-bag to pull out my hiatus paperwork. I made sure to keep my eyes down as I walked away, holding back tears, and instantly regretting the way I spoke to her. She turned towards me in silence as my back faced her, and as I rummaged through my folders. “Look, okay?!” I turned back towards her, even more flustered than before and holding up the paper in between both our line of sight.  “See?! I’m not shitting you!” I said. She brought both hands up towards the top of the paper, lowering it slowly -- as if she was tearing down the heaviest gate – clearing the path for our line of sight to meet again.  
“You’re an idiot.” She said softly, as she closed in suddenly to wrap her arms around me – sinking me into her embrace, as the paper dropped to the floor.  She had seen this reaction on me before -- this _face_ before.  She _knew_ something or someone had died – literally or figuratively – it didn’t matter.  My cheek was pressed against her shoulder, my eyes wide, and I soon felt her sleeve begin to get moist. My arms hung heavy at my sides – lifeless.  
“Amor! Food is ready!” Esteban shouted out from the kitchen.  
“Okay, babe… can you keep it warm?” Jackie replied, hinting that we would still be held back a bit longer.  
After feeling her sleeve getting moist, my arms immediately reacted – my hands reached towards my eyes, rubbing them dry. I then pressed my hands against Jackie’s shoulders, pushing myself away from her embrace in an effort to catch my breath -- to get a hold of myself. My eyes were facing down, as I reached a hand to cover my lips, my chin – pressing and rubbing against them slowly, as I tried to pace my breathing.  I used that same hand to stroke my hair all the way to the back of my neck, as if I was trying to somehow knock off all of the frustration I was feeling onto the floor or something. I kept my hand hung over the back of my neck as I then lifted my eyes to face Jackie again.  
“I’m fine.” I said with a nervous chuckle. “I’m okay.”  
“ _What_ happened, Jo? _Talk_ to me.” She insisted.  
“Nothing, alright?! It’s over, okay? It just didn’t work out, you know? Shit happens. That’s all.” I said, as I nervously and roughly rubbed that same hand against the back of my neck nonstop. I was frustrated at all of the feelings I kept trying to hold in. It literally felt like they were scratching, screaming and kicking inside of my chest – busting into an anger tantrum for not letting them out, but what the hell am I supposed to do?! Talk about my feelings -- _these_ feelings? I did that once and look where _that_ got me! So, _hell_ no! I’m not… I’m not… going to… “You know that she fucking told me that she didn’t want to fulfill other people’s ‘expectations’?” My hand finally left my neck to do quotations marks for the word ‘expectations’.  “Like, she literally kept using that same stupid phrase over and over again – gosh I _hated_ that.” I felt my feelings boiling right at the tip of my skin, bubbling up my thinnest layers. “It’s like she had to repeat it just to believe it – like, she didn’t _really_ believe that herself. I mean, _obviously_ not. She did the _exact_ opposite of what she kept repeating so gawd damn much -- the _exact_ opposite of what said she was going to do, Jackie.  She isn’t following her dreams because she’s trying to fulfill other people’s dreams of her… and what do you know…?!” I sarcastically rose up my hands briefly, and lowered my head again with a scoff.  “… her dreams included me.” I picked up my hiatus paper from the floor, flapping it up in front of Jackie’s face again with a painful smile on my face. “But hey! Here I am doing the exact same thing I told Krystal _not_ to do: running away from my dreams, too… because of some _girl_. Am I pathetic or what?” I said with a soft chuckle, as I balled up the paper and sent it flying towards the couch in frustration, having it land right into my book-bag. I began to walk over towards the couch, feeling ashamed, defeated, embarassed...   
“Amber…” Jackie said, as she turned towards me, following my steps. “You and I both know it’s not just _some_ girl.” She continued, as she sat next to me on the couch. I had my elbows pressed against my lap, holding my face in the palm of my hands, and sitting there looking down at my feet, as I always used to do when I had an emotional overload. I was literally pressing my back against the door of my chest, trying to push these feelings back in from the tantrum they had just released a second ago. I was emotionless again. “It’s _Krystal_ we’re talking about here…” she finished.  
“ _Don’t_ fucking say her name! I _don’t_ wanna hear her name!” I lashed out towards Jackie again, my eyes still looking down towards my feet.  
“Plus, it’s just a hiatus, Jo… you can still go back.”  
“I know… I _know_ I can go back. I _know_ the possibility exists that she can change her mind -- that she can decide to be with me. The question is… _will_ we actually do it? _Will_ I go back? _Will_ she change her mind? I don’t know if she has it in her to love me back, Jackie... and I don’t know if I have it in me to go back…”  
“Of _course_ she loves you. You gotta try to put yourself in her shoes, Jo. You’re her first _everything_. She may not have thought that it would be this hard, but it _was_. You gotta just be patient.” Jackie said, in an almost begging tone… as if I didn’t understand how hard it is coming to terms with your own sexual orientation, and the _torture_ of being locked up in a closet.  
“No! It’s more than just that!" my face left the security of my hands, as I felt myself getting worked up again.  "You didn’t _hear_ the things she said to me, Jackie. Or see the look on her face as I was leaving… like she didn’t _care_ anymore. Like if it all started out as something she was doing to just put up a front, but then it actually turned into how she really felt _right_ in the end…” My voice was cracking, mixed in with anger and pain -- with _urgency_ to make Jackie understand, but how _could_ she understand? Knowing and understanding... totally two different things.   
“Things like what…?” Jackie asked.  
“ _She_ told _me_ right to my face, Jackie -- right in to my freaking face -- that she didn’t love me.” I said, as I lifted up my head to blankly look in front of me, as if I was reliving that moment again, seeing it all happen in front of my eyes like some sort of black and white depressing as hell film. “She told me that what we had wasn’t normal…” my voice slowed down, losing its urgency, losing its hope... “Am I not... normal…?” And for the first time in a long time, I actually second guessed myself... my indentity.   
“You’re _more_ than normal, Amber… You’re perfect just the way you are.” She reassured me.  
I turned towards her “I wish she could have seen that, too…” I said, soft-spoken this time. I wish she could have seen that I was perfect, that she was perfect, and that _we_ were perfect… I turned my eyes back towards my feet, as I let my face rest back upon my hands, and began touching the tip of my Jordans together.  
“Look, I know you’re hurt right now… I understand that you definitely need some time to think -- to process all of this. So, take all the time you need… and then maybe we can revisit the hiatus situation? I don't want to pressure you, I'm also not just going to let you give up on your dream like this.” Jackie said, as she rubbed my back softly. I nodded slowly and reluctantly, appreciating her endless support. But, all the time I need? I still wasn’t even done getting over Soyeon’s death… now I have to deal with another broken heart, and a career in danger of extinction while it was barely just a freaking fetus. How much time _do_ I need, honestly?  
“I’m going to just… pick up a bit.” I said, as I slowly stood up from the couch -- my head hung low. It’s _hella_ exhausting to feel all of this stuff... I needed to clear my head.  
“Pick up the house? Amber, you _just_ got back from a 20 something hour flight. Why don't you come eat with me and Esteban, and just take a breather for sec?”  
“You know that cleaning is basically me taking a breather… like it really helps, okay? Besides, I’m really not picking up an appetite right now…” I apologetically responded.  She lightly sighed in defeat, and nodded.  
“Okay…” she rushed a smile, trying to support what I wanted. She stood up next to me and gently ruffled up my hair. “You should start with mom’s room, though. It’ll be a nice surprise for when she gets back home, which she should be soon.”  
“Roger that. Also, can you please give me back my snap that you took from me earlier?” I pouted lightly, as I tried to fix up my hair from her second ruffling today.  
“Oh yeah…” she had placed it on the arm of one of the couches as we entered the house earlier. She grabbed it and placed it back on my head. “ _This_ one’s new. Where’s your L.A. snap?” she asked, I sighed and walked away.  
“It’s in oblivion somewhere. I dunno.” I shouted out to her from the hallway of our house that led to the bedrooms. It was obvious who had it… or who I had given it to and forgot to get back… Just another painful and annoying reminder.  
  
  


 

  
I step foot into my mom’s bedroom, stopping right at the entrance. I slowly scan the room. “She’s always so _damn_ messy when she packs.” I said to myself, as I continued to walk into the room. There were piles of clothes scattered over her bed, and at the entrance of her walk-in closet. I decide I’d leave the closet for last, since it’s at the very back of the bedroom. I’d try to work my way from the outside-in.  
  
I want to do this because --  yeah… it releases stress for me like nothing else, besides my rubik’s...  
  
I take out my phone, plug in my ear-buds, and decide that my mood right now is Taking Back Sunday’s album, ‘Where You Want To Be’.  
  
... but, I also want to do this to soften the blow, you know? Create a welcome-ish atmosphere for when we talk? She’ll come home and she'll already be happy to see me after so long, and then on _top_ of that she’ll also be happy that I organized the place. So, it’s a perfect plan to sweeten her up before we talk about how gay I am, and also how I blew up my dream in my face _because_ of how gay I am. I still haven’t figured out in what order exactly those two will go.  
  
I’m finally at the closet, and I begin to pick up the immense pile of clothes gathered at the entrance of the walk-in door; when suddenly, a wild luggage appears – _right_ under the pile. It was filled up pretty good, too. It was heavy. Did she forget to take this one with her? I unzip it, ready to properly put away any clothes stuffed inside… “What the hell..?” I react to myself, as it’s filled in with piles of government paperwork, military garments, badges and unopened letters. I pull out the uniform and iron it out with my hands, stretching it out over the open luggage. There was a name printed on it -- my father's name...  and a thousand and one things start going through my mind. Military? I didn’t know my dad was in the military. Why didn’t my mom tell me about this? When did he even  _go_ to the Military? And why the hell does my mom keep an entire luggage just full of all this stuff specifically? I hang the uniform over my shoulder in order to keep rummaging. “DIC payments…” the paperwork read, as I said it out loud and under my breath. “What the hell does that even stand for? -- Dependency and Indemnity Compensation for widow of veterans…” I flipped through the pages -- my hands, fingers:  _trembling_. I was beginning to nervously shake at the slow but certain realization. It looks like she received checks on these shortly after I was born, and then applied for direct deposit soon after. I nervously stuffed the paperwork back into the luggage, and I was about to freak. I was about to go barging into whichever room Jackie was in and demand answers. Did Jackie even know? What if she didn’t know about any of this either? I was about to go ask _something_ , anything, whatever – some gawd damn question was going to pop out of my mouth that would get an answer, _that_ was for sure… and then I spotted one of the letters.  
  
‘For Our Josephine’ it read.  
  
I opened the rugged envelope, and slowly pulled out the letter. The ink was blemished – the letter looked stained.   
  
_Amber Josephine. My Josephine, my kicker. I’m so sorry to have had to leave you, even though you’re still inside of your mother as I write.  But I promise that I’ll be back just in time to see your beautiful face, to hold your tiny hands – I know you’ll forgive me for not being around before your birth, right? That’s not too bad, right? I’m fighting a battle right now, like a superhero. I’m fighting to give you, Jackie, and your mother a much better life. No matter what path you choose in life, no matter how difficult, no matter the cost… with this battle that I’m winning right now, I’ll have you covered for sure.  So, for sure, for sure, wait for me. Don’t come out before your time, and don’t ever stop kicking. Your mom says it sometimes hurts, but we both know she secretly loves it. Haha! I love you, kicker._  
  
 I’ll see you very soon,  
  
Your a-pah

  
[Taking Back Sunday - "A Decade Under the Influence"](https://vimeo.com/59232499)  
_I got a bad feeling about this, I got a bad feeling about this_  
  


  
Widow. Veteran. Battle...  
  
He’s dead. My dad is dead.  
  
I didn’t have a moment to react, as I quickly turned around at the squeaking sound of my mother’s bedroom door, and there she was. She stopped in her tracks as she looked me dead in the eyes. She saw the garment over my shoulder, the letter in my hand, and the luggage full of paperwork. I was thinking to myself that I had an upper hand now. That she couldn’t _possibly_ give me crap for blowing my own dreams in my face and for being totally gay, because I had just found something _horrible_  that she had purposely been keeping from me my entire freaking life. I was ready to confront her, to unleash this anger that I had been stuffing deep inside of me for so long, and that I finally now had a good excuse to let it all go; I was about ready to open my mouth…  
  
“No… no! You’re _not_ leaving again!” she yelled out at me, as she released the luggage from her hands and letting them crash against the floow. She charged right at me. I was scared, I was shocked, and I was flinching – what was she _doing_?! “You can’t do this! You _can’t_ do this! You _can’t_ leave!” she began to pound her fists over my shoulder.  
“Mom! Mom! What are you doing!? Mom! Stop! Please!” I yelled back. I tried to get her away from me -- to overpower her, but she was out of control... As if something else had taken over her body. This wasn’t my mom. Her makeup was running down her face mixed in with her tears, and she just kept getting louder and louder. I knew this because my ear-buds were still blasting “A Decade Under the Influence” into my ears, and I could _still_ hear her cries. I had stopped fighting back. I was dazed in the confusion; I felt my body returning back to auto-pilot just like it had been before I stepped foot in L.A. again, and I recall seeing Jackie and Esteban busting into the bedroom, pulling her away from me as I let myself flop onto the floor. Esteban was holding her down, as Jackie tried to reason with her -- for how long? I don’t know. I just know Jackie pulled out her cell phone after some time, and our bedroom was then immediately crowded with police officers and nurses, and my mom basically being dragged out of the room like some criminal.  
  
“Ma’am, are you okay?” an officer had bent down towards my level, pulling the ear-buds out of my ears. “Ma’am? Are you hurt, ma’am?” I knew his mouth was moving, but I still couldn’t make out the words. I was blankly staring into his face, and I felt my jaw was slightly dropped.   
“No, I’m… I’m fine. Thanks…” was my delayed and instinctive response. I turned to look over towards the entrance of the bedroom, and I spot Jackie in the hallway also conversing with some cop and a nurse, crying as Esteban comforted her.  “Would you like to press charges?” he continued.  
“W-what?” I shook my head lightly, as I furrowed my eyebrows at his question. “No... no!" my voice grew in volume with each 'no'.  “No, I – I _don’t_ want to press charges! What kind of question is that?! I’m not going to do that! Can someone tell me what’s going on? Please?” I began to stand up, as I felt myself slowly coming back to my senses.  
“Alright, ma’am. Ma’am… please, calm down. I understand that this is a very difficult time.” The cop continued, as another person approached us.  “This is Nurse Ramsey. He’s going to explain everything, alright?” I nodded with a distraught look still on my face. I was scanning the room all over again, as if I had just been in this room for the very first time in my life. As if I was looking at everything with new eyes, and as if I was waiting to _somewhow_ just wake up... because I had already felt like I was in a nightmare before any of this happened, and so this just _has_ to be a nightmare within a nightmare... and I'm going to just wake up... anytime now.  The nurse extended out his hand for a handshake.  
“Hi, Amber… my name is Nurse Ramsey, and I want to talk to you about your mother, okay?” His voice was empathetic. I nodded, as I took light breaths in and out, still my eyes scanning the room. I shook his hand without making eye contact. “I know this is all very difficult and confusing for you right now. But I’m hoping that once you understand what's going on, it will be easier to cope with. Do you want to sit down with me or…?”  
“No, I’m fine here. I just wanna stand right here, okay?”  
“No, yeah… okay. I understand... that’s just fine." He paused for a moment to make sure that I was in fact okay. "We believe that your mother _may_ have a dissociative disorder.”  
“Dissocia -- what? What do you mean? Look, my mom is fine, okay? She’s fine. I just really need to talk to her right now, okay?” I tried to sound stern, but my voice was torn. There were no longer cracks -- just completely torn.   
“I don’t think _anyone_ can speak to her right now in the state that she’s in, Amber. We’re going to have to monitor her for a while until she’s stable enough to come home, where it’s safe for both you _and_ your sister.”  
“My mom isn’t dangerous! Okay?!”  
“Right now… she is." he hesistated to complete that sentence, because he knew he was making her sound like some sort of animal... he kenw it would hurt to hear it, but he had to say it. He _had_ to let me know the fact. "But I need you to not worry for me. We’re going to find out exactly what’s wrong, and we’re going to help her -- do you understand? We want to help your mother, so that she can come back home again.”   
  
Dangerous. Monitor. Help. – were the only words registering as he spoke.  
  
“Mom!” I attempted to ignore him -- bypass his existence, and shout out towards the door...  but he was holding me in place. Jackie turned her head towards me from the hallway, and then turned into Esteban’s embrace as the officer and nurse she was speaking to began to walk away.  
“Amber, please.” The nurse continued to speak to me. “We’re going to help her and bring her back. I promise.”  
“Mom…” I said under my breath, as the house began to empty out slowly.  
“Do you understand, Amber?” he kept speaking, but all I could hear were echoes.  
   
**To be continued...**

  
  
**A/N:**  
  
Guess who's back? Back again! Gues who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back... Y'all know that song, right? ANYWAY! So, I'm here, and I'm queer and I'm an asshole again. A few things about this chapter... shit is confuckled towards the end. I know. But I promise all will be clear in the next chapter. I made it confuckled on purpose. I want you mofos to be just as confused and shocked as Amber. So, enjoy that feeling while it lasts. 

The reason the chapter is called "Familiarly Unexpected" is due to the fact that Amber was supposed to come back to a familiar place seeking stability, but the unexpected, the unstable occured instead. Also, a play on words on how Amber expected (familiarly) the unexpected to happen, as bad things are bound to occur to her -- is what she feels like.   
  
I chose the song "Down" by Blink 182 because I feel like the lyrics and the [meaning](http://genius.com/Blink-182-down-lyrics) of the song perfectly describe what Amber is feeling about Krystal, and also because Amber loves Blink 182. It also represents the fact that it usually rains a lot in Los Angeles around December and the song is describing a scenario where it is also raining. It also represents the flooding feeling that Amber is talking about, the crashing of the tidal waves and such. This is a reference back to chapter 19 when Amber says "Could there had been a flood growing inside of Krystal that I wasn’t aware of… or that I just wanted to pretend wasn’t there...? A small crack now showing, and  _this_ that I'm feeling... is just a droplet…?"   
  
As always, Amber is supressing her feelings. As you all can see, she is talking about what she is feeling in the beginning of the chapter very vaguely. She's refusing to mention Krystal specifically to herself at all, up until Jackie makes her bring it up much later in the chapter, at which point Amber lashes out due to this very fact. Jackie, of course, knows her like no one else. She was there supporting Amber when Amber lost Soyeon to suicide, so Jackie recognized those some reactions from Amber, and hinted that her relationship may have died again, even though it was figuratively this time.   
  
In the next chapter we're going to delve into the concept of an offspring mourning the death of parent they never knew. As a psych grad, I thought this would be a pretty interesting twist, since these are in fact things that do occur. Even though Amber never met her father, the false hope of thinking that he had just left and could someday return is something that haunts. You also mourn what could have been, the relationship that will never ever happen, and the chance that is no longer there for that to happen. I wanted to tie in a few loose ends about where was Amber's father, as she mentioned him in the beginning and I felt that was something that needed to be addressed. Not to mention, I want to make things even MORE difficult for Krystal for when she comes back looking for her very, very messy rubik's cube girlfriend.   
  
The song "A Decade Under The Influence" is also from one of Amber's favorite bands, and this song is actually in reference to what Amber's mother is going through, which I will get into in the next chapter! =D So, more psych geeky stuff! Yay! 

  
Thanks for reading and sticking with me even though I suck at updating. I hope the wait was worth while. I promise the second part of the chapter will come faster! 

**Kryber Is Love**  
  
  



	24. Familiarly Unexpected - Part 2

The living room was dead silent. The only thing you could hear was the sound of Jackie’s pen writing as she signed the consent paperwork; and then that sound of ice cubes gently touching against each other as they melt inside of a cup of sweet tea we had poured for the social worker. I should have added more ice – I thought. Just another thing to add to my unending list of regrets, I guess. ‘More ice’ is what’s on my mind, in order to avoid thinking about everything the social worker just threw at us.

  
“And again, I know yesterday was very hard for you guys. So, please don’t hesitate to contact me if there is anything else you two need, even if it’s just someone to talk to.” The _very_ nice social worker said -- her eyes full of this fake empathy. She’s probably said that same line to a dozen people today, her folders packed with tons of copies of the exact same consent form Jackie just filled out.  
“Thank you _so_ much Mrs. Walters.” Jackie said with a slight nod, as she hurriedly handed over the signed paperwork. I sat there next to Jackie like a haunted statue – mute, still, yet following everything with but only my eyes.  
“Now that we have consent for treatment, things should go much more smoothly from here.” The social worker said, as she began to sit up from the couch to pack her things.  She greedily picked up the cup of sweet tea from the end table and chugged every last drop, as Jackie then walked her out the door.  
  
Dissociative amnesia was the exact diagnosis.  
  
It’s what happens when a person represses a stressful or traumatic memory -- is what Mrs. Walters explained – and these memories can resurface if triggered by something in the person’s surroundings.  
Traumatic memory: dad is blown up during the Golf War of the 90’s.  
Trigger in surroundings: queue possibly seeing his military uniform all over my shoulder.  
And from the looks of how my mom reacted towards me when she saw that uniform, she definitely did not want him to go. She seems to have been stuck in a loop -- a constant replay of telling him to not go back to war, to not go back to _die_ … but she had no say.  So, she was left unable to never get passed that anger -- that _denial_ after his death.    
  
So, my mom’s going to be in the asylum for a few days until she stabilizes, and my dad? He was _nowhere_ out there, as I had thought before… nowhere but six feet underground, and in pieces somewhere out in Western Asia, all the while I was still floating inside a placenta. I wonder did I kick at the sound of his voice, did he tenderly kiss me goodbye over my mother’s tummy before leaving to be grateful, to be used, to make us proud… to make us miserable. “I’ll be back soon” I bet he said. _Fucking_ idiot. Everyone knows you should never say things like that when going off into a dangerous situation. That’s like saying “I’ll be right back” in a horror movie… and then you’re stabbed to death fifty million times by Ghost Face.  My mom _had_ to… she had to pretend it didn’t happen – so much to the point of actually believing it.  Stuff his memories deep inside a luggage, as if she was stuffing his body into a coffin – because there _was_ no body; hide him deep inside her closet, as if she was piling him up with mounds and mounds of dirt -- because there _was_ no burial. She had to pretend, because it’s never anytime to grieve, to _depress_  when you have two small children to raise; there’s never time to die inside when you have _no one_ but yourself and your offspring—no other family but them, your native language, and the disgusting funds of your dead lover every month as a constant reminder of how stupid he was… how much you want to hate him and can’t… for leaving you alone. I felt something burning inside of my chest… I was too overwhelmed with my own pain, and at the same time – for some reason – I couldn’t help but feel this need to grieve for my mom, as well -- to release that pain she never could release herself… or was this also my pain? Am I grieving for my dad?  
  
“Jo…” Jackie called out to me as she was returning back to the living room, seeing me rush out of it and into my mom’s bedroom again.  
  
Neither of us had dared to enter it since yesterday… leaving it untouched like some sort of crime scene – or maybe we were just afraid of what else we might find. We hadn’t talked about it at all since it happened either, being that I made myself crash with the weight of the jetlag right after everyone left.  
  
I slammed the door of my mom’s bedroom shut, and locked it behind me. “Jo, please talk to me… you know you can always talk to me…” Jackie said, as she held back whimpers. She always tried to act tough for me… it guilted me. I hurriedly walked over towards the luggage again, gritting my teeth as I tried to fight back the tears that were already freely roaming over my cheeks. I don’t want to _talk_ about it. I don’t want to talk about anything anymore, or ever again. I rummaged through the countless additional letters inside of the luggage… a lot for my mom, some for Jackie and one more for me. I collapsed myself next to the luggage, whimpering softly as I hurriedly opened my second letter.

                _Amber,_

_There is just so much I want to say, and I don’t think I have enough ink. I don’t think I have enough time. Things are getting pretty bad here. They’re getting pretty dangerous, so if I’m not able to  keep my promise, I want you to understand a few things when you’re able to.  I don’t regret being here, and I don’t regret the sacrifices I’ve made to offer you, your mother, and Jackie a better future. I knew what I was getting myself into, and I knew the possible price; and so whatever happens you need to understand that it’s no one’s fault. You also need to understand that ‘better’ is relative, kicker. Don’t feel pressured or guilted into thinking that you need to aspire for greatness because of what I’m doing here today for you. I want you to aspire for what you love, because that in itself is greatness. And don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise; don’t you dare let anyone tell you where you’re supposed to be, what you’re supposed to do, where you’re supposed to go, who you’re supposed to be… don’t you dare let anyone define greatness for you. You are great, and you are beautiful exactly the way you are. And wherever you find yourself in life right now -- it’s okay, kicker. I will be proud of you for everything that you are, and for everything that you’re not. I will be proud. I love you. So much. Just don’t ever stop kicking – don’t ever stop trying, and I promise that I won’t stop fighting... and I will try my very best to keep my promise of coming back to you. I just hope that if I can’t hold myself to these words… that you will also never stop being proud of me, too._  
  


["Pumped Up Kicks" - Foster The People ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oLzX0RPquk)  
_All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, better run, faster than my bullet._  
  


No. I’m not. “I’m not proud of you…” I muttered in between my gritted teeth, as I tightly gripped onto the sides of the letter. My eyes stung with tears, as I slowly and harshly crumbled up the piece of paper in my hand. The crumbled paper falling in between my knees and onto the floor, as I pressed my fists against my eyes… my whimpers got louder, and louder. I wasn’t sure if I was angry, in agony, or both. I could understand him and my mom not working out – I could accept that! You left because in the long run it would have been better, so much better for everyone involved. No point in staying in an irreparable relationship, right?  
  
I lifted my face from my fists, throwing my head back for a breather – I was panting. I hastily wiped away my tears as I stood up, picking up the rest of the letters with me.  
  
But instead, he left because he wanted more? That’s it? He could be alive right now. We would be in Taiwan, we would be poor, we would have _nothing_ , but at least we’d have each other.  
  
“Stupid… stupid…!” I said under my breath and in between gritted teeth, as I walked towards the door and opened it abruptly. I dropped Jackie’s letters at her bedroom door, where she had made her way to after getting no response from me earlier.  
  
At least I’d have a dad! I’m not proud of you! You were supposed to be here! You weren’t supposed to just _leave_ us… and this whole time I’ve just kept thinking that someday I’d meet him. My whole life I’ve just been thinking that someday I’d find him and confront him… or someday he’d miss me… someday he’d just come back... -- my whole life.  
  
I hurriedly made my way into my bedroom, rummaging through my own luggage this time, looking for whatever work-out clothes. I still hadn’t unpacked since yesterday – I pull out a bra that I don’t recognize to be mine at all…

 _“Actually… I should keep this” I said, momentarily looking at the bra as I began to place it into my bookbag._  
“What? Why?” she laughed.  
“My souvenir for popping your cherry.” I said with a huge grin.

They all leave… 

I angrily toss the bra across my bedroom floor, as I then suit myself into my work-out clothes; and before I knew it I was already at the local gym, losing count of the amount of times the front of my feet had slammed against the kicking bag. With my feet protectors lying on the floor next to me, I could only see the red and feel the sting, and that still didn’t stop me…  
  
“Hey, kid.” Said one of the gym employees, as he walked towards me. I ignored him, and continued punishing the kicking bag. “Hey…” he said, as he then picked up the feet protectors from the floor, noticing now more up close what I had been doing to myself.  “Kid, I’m really sorry but we’re about to close up here… kid…” he continued, as his tone had changed from authoritative employee to concerned citizen -- his worried eyes scanning me and the bag. “Alright, that’s enough. That’s enough.” He said with a caring tone. He came up behind me, trying his hardest to pull me away from the kicking bag. “Hey, hey…” he then made his way in front of me and placed his hands on my shoulders, as if he was trying to snap me out of a trance.  “We’re closing, kid. You gotta pick up.” He let go of me and took a step back the moment I raised my panting face to see him.  I gave him a slight nod as a sign that I understood. “And uhh, try and get some rest… on those feet, too.” He pointed at the evident soreness and redness of my feet.  He stepped away to give me a chance to pick up my things. I stood still for a second waiting to catch my own breath, as I also looked down towards my feet. I wasn’t done. Not even close. Nonetheless, I sat down on the floor to put on my Jordans, and I flinched as I slowly slipped my feet into my socks.  The employee was waiting at the door for me so he could lock it as soon as I stepped out. He patted me on the back as I walked outside – it was dark already? Had I been at the gym for that long? “Whatever it is that’s getting you so heated up, it’s gonna pass. Just don’t think about it too much, kid.” He said to me as I walked out. I nodded in silence. Don’t think about it? Is there some kind of potion to make that happen – to not think about it? I thought to myself, as I then spotted a liquor store right across the street.  
  
“Forgetting potion…” I muttered.  
  
I never thought I’d ever say this, but I am so grateful to be 21 right now. Even though, the very moment I stepped into the store -- I had no idea liquor could have so many options, and so I had no idea what I would buy.  
  
“Umm… excuse me.” I said with a shy scoff to the person behind the register.  
“Yeah, how can I help you?”  
“I umm – I’m looking for a – what is the strongest liquor you guys have, but that doesn’t taste like dog vomit?” I asked, and the person chuckled.  
“It’s your 21st birthday isn’t it?” he assumed, as he walked around from behind his counter. “Looking to get bombed and not gag.”  
“Ya’ caught me.” I faked a chuckle and pushed through a chopped up smile. Dude, I’m trying really hard to not cry in your store, round-kick your shelves or both. But sure… it’s my 21st birthday. Why not?  
“Here, follow me. You like vanilla coke?” he asked.   
“Yeah, it’s pretty alright.” I responded, as he picked up a bottle to show me.  
“Captain Morgan. It legit tastes like vanilla coke left on the porch for 8 weeks.” He chuckled at his own joke, as I took the bottle in hand. “I think you’ll really like it. It’s good for your first shots, and it’s a good first bottle to buy. Cheap, too.” He continued.  
“How much is it again?” I asked.   
“$20 bucks and I can check you out right over here.” He said, as he made his way over to the register; I followed.  
  
“Captain Morgan, you’re gonna help me forget about everything tonight.” I said to myself as I twisted open the bottle, and allowed the cap to fall onto the darkened sand. I had my made way over to the beach – the most deserted area -- and was sitting on top of my flatted out book-bag, as I watched the waves come and go. Catching waves at this time, and especially alone was obviously not a good idea, though it would usually be my next go-to when feeling like crap. Catching waves _and_ drinking would also probably not be ideal. Though, I can’t deny that I definitely would not mind drowning right about now. The beach was sadly quiet too, which I didn’t mind at all since it went perfectly with my current mood: horrendously depressed. I guess this is what happens when you let out all of your anger by beating the living crap out of a training bag; you crash hella hard right into sad-ville.  
  
I took my first gulp. “Oh gosh…” I gagged. Okay, this definitely does not taste like vanilla coke on a porch for 8 weeks. It also burned as it went down my throat. How do people do this? I shook my head rapidly trying to get rid of the taste. Not only does it taste horrible, but it burns you as it’s going down?  _Where_ is the upside? – I thought. And about five gulps later…

  
["All of the Stars" - Ed Sheeran ](http://https//www.youtube.com/watch?v=18lP9SYCt_E)  
_You're on the other side, as the skyline splits in two. I'm miles away from seeing you.  
But I can see the stars from America. I wonder, do you see them, too? _

  
“So, _this_ is the upside…” I said with a crooked smile, as I found myself lying down on my back over the damp sand. But that crooked smile didn’t last, as I then immediately chuckled myself into whimpers that soon turned into tears. This isn’t exactly what I would call a ‘forgetting potion’ but more like a ‘let out your feelings like the little bitch-baby you are’ potion. I raised myself up momentarily to take another gulp from the bottle, and then throwing my back down towards the sand once again. I was too dizzy to keep myself up for long enough, some of the liquor ended up spilling out over my chin. My eyes were scanning the clouded skies… not a single star in sight. Either that, or I was really _that_ drunk, but I don’t think being drunk makes you see cloudy – or does it?  
  
“And I know these scars will bleed… all of these stars will guide us home…” I raspily, and almost in a whisper, sang the only lyrics I knew to a song I once heard on the radio… the melody had surfaced out from my subconscious, as I began to hum the rest of the song – the parts of the song that I didn’t know the lyrics to. I lifted up my free hand above my eyes – curling and extending my fingers, flipping my hand front and back… looking for the stars – the ones she said she once saw…  
  
But there were no stars there either…

_“I haven’t felt so secure with someone in a while. Even if we don’t belong to each other, it feels like she’d never leave. She’d never go anywhere far from me.”_

But they all leave…  
  
I closed my eyes, my hand falling to my side, and tears filling up my ears.

“Amber!” I heard my name in the distance. “Amber?” the voice got closer.  “Oh, Amber...” the person said with a sigh and with a clack of their tongue. I opened my eyes to see Esteban standing over me, and slipping the bottle from out of my hand. “Are you okay?” he asked, as he then helped me sit up.  
“What are you doing to Morgan?” I groggily but demandingly asked.   
“Morgan…?” he said as he looked at the bottle, confused. “Morgan is going to take a nap.” He said, realizing who Morgan was, as he looked around the sand for the cap. He closed up the bottle, setting it to the side, and turning back towards me. “And so are you.”  
“But I don’t wanna…” I said in a whimper, holding back more tears.  
“You’ll feel a lot better afterwards, I promise – and also after drinking tons of water.” He insisted, trying to help me up.  
“No, no… I just don’t wanna go back there… please don’t make me. Please…?” I begged, trying to stay put. He hesitated but then nodded slowly, as he then sat down next to me. I let my head fall onto his shoulder. He patted it slowly.  
“I guess we can stay here for a little longer.” He said.  
“Thanks…” I replied softly. Maybe Morgan didn’t help me forget, but being out here and not in that house at least helped me pretend none of it happened – not having to see my room with my luggage of regrets, or my mother’s room with her own luggage – it all helped me pretend that none of this ever happened.  
“You know – I kind of know how it feels…” he began to talk “… how you and Jackie feel. My dad wasn’t a veteran or anything, though. He was just some drunken asshole.” He scoffed.  “And he loved us, too. He didn’t abuse us or anything, but he left. Rehab… and I _hated_ him for it.”  
“That sucks…” my brain couldn’t construct anything better to say.  
“Yeah. It does. He would come and go. He never got better. Eventually, his liver just gave out. It sucked, _a lot_. So, it’s okay what you’re feeling right now. It’s okay to hate him for not being there for you. You at least deserve that right.” He finished.  
“Thanks… and I’m sorry about your dad.” I said, as I lifted myself up from his shoulder to look at him. He was facing the waves, as they come and go.   
“It was a while back. I’m okay.” He smiled and looked towards me. “And you and Jackie will be okay, too. – And so will your mom. She’ll be out before you know it, just give it a few days.”  
“How did you find me?” I asked.  
“Jackie called me, and told me you had left your phone at home. She said you do that when you don’t want to be found – that you come here.”  
“Oh…” Jackie knows me too well…  
“And well… the shore is pretty wide, so she needed help looking for you. She actually owes me $10 bucks since I found you first.” He chuckled.  
“$20 for cheering me up a bit.” I said with a crooked smile.  
“ _Now_ we’re talkin’.” He laughed lightly; as he teasingly wrapped his arm around my shoulder to pull me closer, and lifted his hand to ruffle up my hair, but paused… “Wait, am I allowed to? Or is this an exclusive Jackie thing?” he asked.  
“Go ahead.” I shrugged with a soft chuckle, as he proceeded with the ruffle.

 _Jackie:_  
                **Is she okay?**  
  
“Is that Jackie?” I asked, as Esteban showed me the text message he just got.  
“Yeah, I told her I found you. About to tell her where we are.”  
“Whoa, whoa, wait a sec. This is a prank opportunity. You never pass on a prank opportunity. Tell her I have a shark-chomped arm or something.” I suggested.  
“I’m not gonna do that… yes I am.” we both chuckled evilly.  
  
“You two are both assholes.” Said a voice, walking up to us from behind.  
“It was _her_ idea.” Esteban quickly defended himself pointing at me, as we both turned around to see Jackie walking towards us – seeing clearly that all of my limbs were in place.  
“Wow… you are _such_ a snitch.” I jokingly said to him. Jackie’s hand gently tapped us both behind our head, as she then bent down in between us both -- encircling her arms around us. “Not funny. At all.” Jackie said, in a jokingly mad tone. She kissed Esteban’s cheek and then mine.  
“Ew. Ew.” I jokingly said.  
“ _Me_ ew? Your breath _reeks_ of alcohol. _You_ ew!” Jackie protested, as we all laughed.    
  
We all went back home together, and both Jackie and Esteban made sure I sobered up without throwing up all over the place with tons of pizza and water. The letters had been picked up from in front of Jackie’s door, but neither of us dared to speak of the contents in either of our letters. We did talk about mom, though… and how ‘a few days’ began to turn into several weeks. We had gone to visit her a few times, but she was not all there yet… and I began to think if she ever would be all there ever again. I began regretting not having made those calls to her -- not having had _that_ conversation with her. What if it’s too late? What if she doesn’t get better? What if she doesn’t come back the same at all, and I never get that chance again? I would hate myself forever. I’d never forgive myself.  
  
I was packing up some of the demos I recorded back in So. K. Getting ready to send them out to a few local labels and producers, and see what my chances are at making it here at home. With everything going on… going back to So. K. seemed almost like a death sentence to my emotional health, and I was glad that Jackie understood – when I then heard a sudden loud thump hit our front door.  
  
I hesitantly opened the door, making sure to keep the chain lock on, and peek only through the side.  
  
It was a girl who had fallen down from a skateboard which had crashed against my front door causing the loud thump, as she was also holding another skateboard in her hands. The girl slowly looked up at me from the floor, as she was dusting herself off.  
  
“Krystal?!” I exclaimed.

  
  
**To be continued...**

  
**A/N:** See? I told you guys I'd update this chapter faster. Gimme some props.   
  
So, I chose the song "A Decade Under the Influence" in regards to how the mother feels about the dad leaving to war, because the actual song is Adam writing about how his girlfriend breaks up with him unexpectedly when they already had tickets to go to this show. But since they already had the tickets, they go anyway, and it was really awkward and painful for him. So, that's kind of the mom feels -- even though the dad didn't break up with her per se, he still ends things in a way without her wanting to or knowing about it by him leaving to go off to war. But she still kind of has to carry on with the relationship in a way. So, of course she blocks out the part of him dying, and just stays with the memory of him leaving. Never really mentions 'where' to herself or to her kids. Hides all of his stuff away so she doesn't remember it, and of course sets the payments to direct deposit so she doesn't have to constantly see the military checks coming in through the mail. So, what Amber thought to be child support was actually widow veteran pension. Yay!   
  
I wanted to include a second letter, because the first letter was more to a baby Amber -- something the father might have wanted the mom to read to her while still in her womb, something playful and sweet. But I also wanted to include a more serious letter, something the father would write to older Amber in case he didn't make it. So, this is what this letter is -- a letter to older Amber. I'm sure he wrote many more, but I just wanted to highlight these two.   
  
Next we have Amber pretty much just overwhelmed with her own pain about losing Krystal, overwhelmed with her mom's condition, and also overwhelmed with just finding out about her father. She originally thinks she's taking on the grief of the mother losing her husband, but she's also actually grieving for herself of never having her dad and now knowing that she never will -- she at least thought that there was some chance they'd someday meet, that she'd find out where he is or he'd come back for them or something. Now, that chance doesn't exist anymore. And so she's going through the stages of grief. She's pretty angry at everything and everyone, to the point where she's capable of doing anything, which is why I chose the song "Pumped Up Kicks". It's an extremely dark song about childhood abuse, neglect, and violence. It's supposed to be almost creepy, because it has such a catchy tune to it. The kid is abused and neglected by the father, and decides to go on a shooting rampage. It's more about school shootings really, with references to Columbine. So, in this case Amber also feels that childhood neglect, and she's full of that anger, hate and violence -- good thing she takes it out on the training bag, though.   
  
And then she crashes, gets drunk, loses inhibitions, goes back to that night where Krystal was sleep drunk and was playing with Amber's hand, saying that she thought she could see stars on Amber's hand -- just basically Amber going through a lot of Krystal flashbacks -- with the bra, thinking Krystal would never leave her, the stars, etc. Amber is a wreck right now. I know. My bad. But, the general idea is that Amber has this overwhelming feeling of everyone just leaving her -- Soyeon, her Dad, Krystal, etc. So, good luck to Krystal on trying to reverse all of this damage.   
  
Also, I hope you guys liked the Esteban/Amber bonding moments. Kind of wanted to give him a little backstory, and so you guys can see how awesome he is, and how awesome Jackie's taste in guys is. (Kevin and Jackie anyone? xDDD)   
  
And oh, hey! Krystal is back! =D  ERMAHGAWD how is Amber gonna react? What's gonna happen?! ~~makeupsexwhat?~~


	25. Whenever, Wherever - Part 1

_Whenever, Wherever_

  


“Amber…” she said it with the sweetest sigh of relief, and with those huge puppy eyes of hers. My jaw dropped slightly after I had announced her name. I must seriously be dreaming, hallucinating or something – I thought to myself, and immediately shut the door. I pressed my back against it, as a _very_ real sense of panic came over me. I took a deep breath and decided to open the door again, thinking that once I did, she wouldn’t be there anymore. It was all some kind of prank my brain was trying to play on me, right? She can’t actually be at my door – and with skateboards? Pshh. No way, yeah… this definitely has to be some kind of daydream. I’m going _hella_ crazy. That’s what it is. I removed the chain lock this time, and slowly opened the door again only to see her _still_ there and now standing. Her knees and hands were scraped; one of her knees was slightly bloody. My jaw had yet to close, my eyes were wide, my palms were sweating, and my heart was racing.  “Hi…” she shamefully said. She’s real. She’s definitely standing in front of me right now; and a wave of both desire and anger washed over me --  _indignation_.  
  
“Krystal… w-what are you – what are you _doing_ here?” I finally spoke, with a tone of surprise mixed in with anger – trying hard to suppress the anger side, brushing it off with a nervous and airy chuckle.  
“Well, I… umm…” she cleared her throat.  
“This – this is really, _really_ not a good time right now…” I interrupted her before she even got a chance to speak. My mind was so fogged with anger and shock that I didn’t even care for what she had to say – I didn’t even care to ask if she was alright...  
“I know… I know… I should have called, or messaged, or e-mailed you or something… I shouldn’t have just showed up without…”  
_“Warning?!”_ I finished her sentence.  
“Well… you say ‘warning’ like it’s a bad thing that I’m here…” she sadly lowered her gaze.  
“It _is_! It _is_ a bad thing! It’s a _really_ bad thing! There’s just way too much going on right now, and I was _just_ starting to _attempt_ to get over you… so I can freaking deal with this – my life – everything that’s _happening_ … and you just show up at my doorstep out of nowhere like some ghost from the past… So, yeah… It is _really_ freaking bad.” I exploded.  
  
I hated her.  
  
I hated her for making me want her so badly, and loathe her so intensely all at the same time. How does this feeling even make any sense?  She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to articulate some kind of counter-argument.  
“Well… wait – what’s going on right now that’s too much?”  
“No. _Krystal?_ No. This isn’t happening again. This isn’t ‘opening up’ time, okay? I can’t risk that again. You have to leave _now_. Right now.” My voice was filled with haste.  
  
“Krystal?” Jackie’s voice came up from behind me, and her hands suddenly pressed against my shoulders as she looked towards Krystal.  
“Hey, Jackie…” Krystal said with a weak smile and a shy wave. I flinched up slowly, regretting Jackie having seen her. “Krystal! You’re all bruised up, oh my god… Come, come on in…” Jackie swiftly took control over the conversation, as she imposed herself in front of me. She helped Krystal into the house and sat her on the couch.  
“It’s nothing, really…” Krystal said.  
“Don’t be silly, you’re clearly bleeding. When did you get here? Amber, grab her skate--” Jackie tried to make me move and do something, but I just stood at the door, semi-shocked and upset at what was unfolding in front of me. I didn’t want to make a huge scene, so the least I could do was try to breathe to calm myself down. “Nevermind, I got it.” Jackie said, after having placed Krystal on the couch, she went towards the entrance door to fetch Krystal’s two skateboards.  
“A few weeks now…” Krystal responded softly and with a hint of guilt – it sounded like – to Jackie’s earlier question. This is not happening – I thought to myself. This is _not_ happening. I slowly closed the front door after Jackie made her way back over towards Krystal. Jackie set the skateboards on the floor, and began to attend to her scrapes. After standing still and staring at the closed front door for a pretty good while -- trying to process what was going on -- I then made my way over to the couch. Krystal’s soft eyes landed on me again, and I don’t know how else to describe the feeling, other than by saying that her gaze literally feels like she’s slowly piercing bullets through my chest – pushing them through my skin like play-doh – the explosive ones, too. Right after they reach my core, they expand into mini fire-works… I gulped, as I dodged her line of sight, and I felt my withdrawal symptoms creep up on me all over again – this was like waving a gigantic bag of heroin in front of a recovering addict. I had to forcefully bite onto my lips, punishing them for even beginning to imagine her lips over them. Jackie stood up, making her way over towards the kitchen.  
  
“I’ll be right back, let me go get you some water.” Jackie said. I followed her.  
“Jackie? What are you doing?” I asked her, as she filled a cup with water.  
“Serving Krystal water?” she raised an eyebrow, as she kept her eyes on the cup.  
“No… I mean… why did you let her in? Did you – don’t you remember what I told you about what happened?” I scoffed.  
“I do.” She said, as she lifted her gaze towards me.  “And I also remember what lead up to what happened, and how happy you both made each other before that; and during times like these – _during_ these times are when you’d need each other the most. You love her and she loves you, otherwise she wouldn’t have just showed up here outta nowhere.” She reasoned with me.  
“Okay, and that’s _your_ opinion, but she said she’s been here for _weeks_ now, Jackie. I highly doubt she came for me. I dunno _why_ she decided it was a great idea to just show up at my door, but… even if she did come for me, what do you expect me to do? Just chat it up with her?” I objected. Jackie sighed.  
“Also, she’s all scrapped up. I’m not just going to shut the door on her when she’s clearly hurt and bleeding.  That’s low, Jo.” I sighed, feeling like total shit for actually not even thinking about how she was physically hurt, while I just kept focusing on my anger towards her.  
“Okay, well… go ahead and bandage her up or whatever it is that you have to do, but then she’s gone. I mean it, Jackie.” I insisted, following Jackie with my eyes as she began to walk out of the kitchen.  
“And _yes_ , I think you guys _do_ just need to talk…” she said, “I mean it, Amber.” She mocked me, saying my last phrase in my exact same tone.  Seriously? We need to _talk_? I tried to ‘ _talk’_ to her a billion times before she basically told me she wanted nothing to do with me. What makes this time any different? She made her feelings towards me pretty clear – I ended up being her little new and shiny gay toy experiment after all.  
   
I walked back out into the living room to see Krystal sipping on water, and Jackie…  
“Why don’t you stay over for dinner? Well, not dinner exactly – we were just gonna order Chinese.”  …Jackie invited Krystal, as she walked around the couch to make sure Krystal was comfortable enough – fluffing the couch pillows.  
“Jackie, that’s very nice of you… but, you’ve done so much already…" Krystal began to respond.  
“Oh, _very_ nice of you, Jackie… _too_ nice.” I interrupted with sarcasm, as I stood at a distance from behind the couch. My arms were folded against my chest in annoyance, as I held a neutral expression. Krystal turned her head towards my sudden appearance; her eyes now were sadness mixed with annoyance. I honestly don’t care if she’s feeling offended by my attitude towards her right now… She has no right.  
“Don’t mind her… it’s totally fine, Krystal. Really. Do you like Wontons?”Jackie asked, as she began making her way towards her bedroom to place the order on her laptop. Krystal nodded slightly.  
  
“Why are you here?” I asked sternly, as Jackie had already made her exit. “And _don’t_ say you’re here to see me, because we both know that’s ridiculous.” I continued, as she was about to open her mouth to answer. I kept recalling how pathetically and shamelessly I acted towards her on the days leading up to me leaving So K. in a desperate attempt to get her back. I begged, I groveled – an absolute bitch baby. I have to make sure to assert myself this time -- let her know that she has no power over me...  keep my dignity untouched this time.  
“I suppose I’m ridiculous then…” she sighed and pouted, as she shifted her gaze to the side.  
“You are _so_ full of shit. And why are _you_ sighing at me and pouting at me? I mean -- are you _serious_ right now?” I said, as I walked over towards the couch, pressing my hands against its back frame.   
“Am _I_ serious? You’ve been so rude and condescending to me this _whole_ time! I think I have a right to pout, especially when I’m trying to talk to you and tell you the truth!” she objected.  
“You said you’ve been here in L.A. for _weeks_ now, and you just now suddenly decide to come see me? Pretty sure you’re here on some other business, but hey! Let me stop by and see how much of a _wreck_ I left Amber in – right?”  
“You are _such_ an idiot, you know that? That makes _zero_ sense! _Why_ would I do that? And to _think_ \--” she pointed her finger up at me.  
“Oh _I’m_ the idiot?!” I mockingly interrupted her, and before we knew it, we began arguing intensely. Neither of us listening to a word the other was saying – talking over each other in a battle to see who could speak the loudest. Jackie quickly walked back into the room after hearing the ruckus.  
  
“Hey… Hey! Guys… Guys!” she shouted, as she came in between me and the couch, trying to catch our attention – clearly regretting her plan of having Krystal and I ‘talk’.  
“And this is why I told you I don’t want her here!” I shouted past Jackie, who was still blocking me away from the couch. Krystal remained silent, folding her arms against her chest, as she turned her face away from me – her eyes evidently watering up.  
“Guys?” Jackie continued, trying to calm me down. “Amber, please.”  
“And I can’t _believe_ you’re still taking her side, Jackie.  She’s an act, for fuck sakes!”  There was a knock at the front entrance, as Jackie moved away from in between me and the couch to open the door.  
“Gawd, Amber – I’m not taking…!” Jackie objected, as she opened the door to receive the food. “Hi! Thank you!” her attitude changing drastically towards the delivery man, and as soon as she closed the door she turned back towards me. “I am _not_ taking sides, Amber!” her tone immediately going back to annoyingly upset. She walked towards the end table in front of the couch, placing the Chinese food there.  
“You kinda _are_ taking her side. She’s bitching at me because I’m supposedly being ‘rude and condescending’ to her…”  I said, with air quotes.  “… while you’re here saying: oh _poor_ her – poor spoiled little princess…”  
“That _isn’t_ what I’m saying, and you kind of _are_ being a dick right now, Jo…” Jackie said.  
“And _so_ what the hell?! I have every right to be!” I objected.  
“You’re right… you have every right to be upset at me, you have every right to hate me even… but you can at least be civil about it, and hear me out…” Krystal said soft spoken, her face still turned away from me.  
“Oh! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You want me to be _civil_ about it? Umm Krystal, can you please – _politely_ – go and _fuck_ yourself?!” I sarcastically said.  
“Amber!” Jackie turned towards me, appalled. And with that, Krystal carefully stood up from the couch as to not hurt her scrapes, and walked out the front door.  
“Fucking finally!” I walked over towards the front door and locked it.    
“Who _are_ you?” Jackie said to me, shocked at my behavior, as I walked past her and towards the couch. I was shocked at myself, too. How could I be so horrible? But I couldn’t help it. The words just came out on their own. I couldn’t control the amount of anger I was feeling, and I couldn’t even pinpoint exactly where it was all coming from – was it either the anger of her breaking my heart and betraying my trust, or the anger at myself of knowing how badly I _still_ wanted her after seeing her again even _after_ she broke my heart?  
  
I silently sat in front of the end table, hastily opening up my Chinese portion of the order.  
“Are you just going to ignore me?” Jackie continued.  
“I don’t know, Jackie! Okay? I don’t know who I am anymore!” I angrily spoke, as I suddenly turned towards her and back to my food. What a bunch of bullshit -- circumstances don't change you if you already are who you're truly meant to be? So... what? Krystal and I... we never were who we thought we were?   
There was a moment of silence, as Jackie then made her move towards the end table to grab her portion of the food, and as she began to make her way towards her bedroom, she finally spoke.   
“I know you’re hurting, Jo… but you gotta learn how to cope without losing yourself like this – this isn’t at all how I pictured this to go… and I’m sorry I pushed it on you. I shouldn't have.” she said, as she finally exited the living room. I sighed deeply, as I stared at my chopsticks that were sunk into the rice – I had lost my appetite.  
  
'Lose myself like this' she says. Maybe circumstances don't change us, maybe we still are who we've always been... but instead, what cirumstances _can_ do is cloud everything up -- blur it all out into a clusterfuck of smoke. Amber is still here -- _in_ here somewhere... I just don't know _where_ anymore. Maybe this is also what happened with Krystal... I felt my eyebrows furrowing, and this uneasiness stirring up inside my chest – this uneasiness caused by my mind replaying over and over again everything that just happened, watching this other Amber from out of my body yelling at her, cursing at her… how I wanted to just turn back time, do and say things differently without letting my pride take a hold of me… hear her out.  
  
_“…I’m trying to talk to you and tell you the truth!”_  
  
‘The truth’, Krystal said. If I had -- if I would have just let her in again… would that have made this feeling stop? This uneasiness, this pain -- would it have stopped? Probably not stopped completely, but maybe just eased? Was I that desperate to stop feeling so horrible that I would swallow my pride just to be soothed, even if for just brief moments? Swallow my dignity just to feel her lips over mine one more time? I sighed deeply again, as I placed the food on the end table and brought my hands to my face – covering my face completely, as I then stroked my hands back through my hair and all the way to the back of my neck. I turned to the side noticing the skateboards still there. What the hell was she even doing riding these if she had no idea how? In a rush to leave, Krystal must’ve forgotten about them. I can’t believe I told her to go fuck herself… I can’t believe I was so _raw_ – and to the _princess._ Curious about their quality _,_ I grabbed onto the boards and placed them both wheels up over my lap. 

  
["More Than I Meant To" - Jason Reeves](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok7S-igMEso)  
_I miss you more than I meant to, I want you more than I want to,_  
and I loved you so much more than I knew, but I hurt you more than I meant to.  


“Soojung…” I instinctively and softly said under my breath – almost melancholic. The back of the skateboards were each printed with a collage of pictures of us together – pictures that I initially thought couldn’t define our relationship… pictured that I initially thought composed a heartbreaking story; but seeing them now… a smile couldn’t help itself, and it escaped my lips. “We _were_ happy…” I said to myself, recalling what Jackie was trying to remind me of earlier. She was bringing these… as a gift? They _had_ to be a gift... she _was_ telling the truth…

 

She came here for me.  
  
I pensively faced forward letting out a deep and heavy sigh of regret, and in a moment of desperation and almost insanity, I stood up from the couch and placed the boards back onto the floor. I rushed towards the front door, unlocking it nervously and hastily, and made my way outside. I looked in every direction, but how stupid could I be to think that she would still be out here. I slipped out my phone from my pocket, and rapidly scrolled through my contacts, but forgetting that I had changed my number and deleted hers… “fuck…” I said under my breath, placing the phone back into my pocket. I frustratingly ruffled up my own hair with both hands, turning back towards the entrance door and back inside of my house in defeat with both hands clasped and pressed firmly above my head. I slowly locked the door behind me, as I slowly gulped… and I sank back into the couch feeling my own heart sink with me. How many more times am I going to fuck up and shut her down…? If only I had a way to get her number again… Henry might have it and I could – no wait. He’d lecture me. He’d totally lecture me and tell me I'm pussy-whipped. Who else in the company – the company! The company, that’s it! I leaped up from the couch, grabbed onto the skateboards and made my way to my bedroom. I quickly unlocked my laptop, and opened up my inbox. I scrolled non-stop hoping I’d still find it – the e-mail the company sent us with our contact information. Her phone number and e-mail should still be there.  
  
“Yessss…” I exhaled after spotting the e-mail, and quickly pulled out my phone. Call her? No… I can’t control the emotions in my voice right now. I need to play it cool before jumping to any conclusions. Text her… that’s right. Something simple. Umm…

**Its Amber. You forgot ur skateboards. Can u come get them?**

I sat on my bed, holding my phone in both hands and staring at the screen, attentively waiting for a reply – almost as if my life depended on it. It kind of did…  
  
But a reply never came.  
  
I couldn’t sleep. I lied in bed, restlessly checking my phone over a hundred times expecting her message -- locking and unlocking the screen as the light flashed on and off over my face like some suspensful scene in a movie, and I again kept imagining all of these different scenarios of how things could have gone, what I could have said, what I could have done -- soaking in the idea that she was physically so, _so_ close to me – as close to me as she was right before I left to catch my plane. That day... I zoned out completely on my way to my flight that I didn’t think to record her voice in my brain, copy her face into my mind -- just enough to get me by until I was ready to get over her. This time, I did.  However angry I was, I caught it all – her voice, her scent, her eyes, her lips… because anger wasn't the only feeling that came over me when I saw her, as much I hate to admit that... she will always be metal and I will always have this magnet inside of my chest -- always drawing me into her whenever we get too close. No matter how angry I feel towards her, my lips will always want to kiss hers, my eyes will always want to fall into hers, my ears will always want to hear her voice, and my sense of smell will always want to recreate her scent. I kept replaying her voice in my head over and over again, even the slightly upsetting sounds – like how she chose to call me an idiot instead of stupid, because ‘stupid’ would have just distracted me instead of upset me… far more distracted than I already was by everything else that she is.  
  
She’s never called me an idiot before.  
  
She _was_ genuinely hurting, and she wanted to let me know.  
  
Has she been hurting this whole time?  
  
If she came to tell me the ‘truth’… then I _need_ to find out. I _need_ her to come back. I need to know.  
  
Morning came, and Jackie had gone off to class, while I had washed up and made my way to the living room to stare at the demos I had left on the end table. I had forgotten completely that I was going to send them out to local record labels right around the time that Krystal knocked yesterday – well… _crashed_ into my front door.  I was pretty convinced that this was going to be my next move, but after yesterday… I wasn’t too sure what to think anymore.  
  
That’s when the knock came.  
  
“Hi – I got your text message, but I was already at the hotel by the time I saw it.” she came back.   
“Hi…” I said sheepishly, as I saw her standing in front of me – the palm of her hands still slightly scraped, and a bandage decorating one of her knees… and that's when I saw it… I saw my chance for a rewind.  
“I’m sorry I left them here, I’ll just get them real quick and…”  
“I’m sorry, Krys…” I interrupted her. She paused, puzzled.  “… about you hurting yourself yesterday and me not even bothering to ask if you were okay.” I paused, to give her a chance to react, but she still didn't say anything. “So... are you okay? Is your knee okay and stuff?” I continued. She started to fidget and purse in her lips, as usual. She then shifted her gaze down and to the side.  
“It’s okay… I deserved it.” she said, emotionless.  
“No, Krystal… Look, I dunno what came over me yesterday -- when I saw you? I guess – I guess I just had all of that just kinda locked up in there for such a long time… I kinda exploded on you, and I'm sorry, but... I’m _so_ _angry_ at you – the way you hurt me… but you still didn’t deserve to be treated or talked to like that…”  
“I feel like I do – but I also just couldn’t help but get defensive.” She lifted her gaze to meet mine, looking apologetic now.  
“No… trust me, you really don’t.” I assured her. Then came this very long pause, this very long silence – like we didn’t know where to go to from here. She lowered her gaze, beginning to fidget with her lips again. I pursed in my lips, and licked them nervously and out of habit.  
  
Amber: “I umm…”  
Krystal: “I'm sorry, and…”  
  
We both spoke at the same time.  
  
Amber: “I’m sorry, you go…”  
Krystal: “Oh no, you go ahead…”  
  
We both spoke at the same time, again.  We both lightly and bashfully laughed. It was beyond awkward, but also kinda cute.  
  
“I was just going to say that I umm… I saw the skateboards…” I began to speak.  
“I know… I know… we were supposed to buy them together, and that was the plan – we could still do that, I mean… if you’d have me...” she spoke rapidly, and nervously, using unnecessary mannerisms that were beyond adorable.  
“Oh… my skateboard date...” I then realized. She tried to recreate my date for me – Well I mean, not recreate it because we never got a chance to do it… but, we kind of imagined it -- how it _would_ be in our heads.  
“The ones I got are more for like -- you know? Decoration? For you to kind of keep somewhere in your room, kind of like pictures with a skateboard as a frame." she chuckled nervously.  "Well, that was kind of the idea, at least. They’re not really super good quality to skate in...” she just continued speaking, unaware of my reactions. I laughed, and this time it was more noticeable.  
  
The first time in months that I laugh because of her.  
  
“Yeah, I was about to say umm… they’re pretty cheap – the brand? I know that brand.”  
“But it’s not like cheap as in _cheap_ , cheap – you know, like _bad_ cheap… or thoughtless cheap… or like last minute kind of cheap or…”   
“I love ‘em.” I interrupted her by placing my fingers over her lips before she started to nervously ramble again. She didn’t quiet because I had pressed them firmly – they were gently pressed, barely almost any pressure. She went quiet because she was shocked that I had placed them there to begin with… over her lips. She was shocked that I had touched her…  
  
...and so was I.  
  
I quickly moved my fingers away from her lips, bringing my hands back to my sides. We stood there awkwardly again, and in silence. She said we could still do the actual skateboard date together – buy some really good ones together, me teaching her how to skate – if I’d have her, she said. She was insinuating us getting back together… and I wasn’t there yet at all. I may have calmed down, but my heart was still plenty bleeding over here – _profusely_. Before anything, before deciding on _anything_ at all, I first needed to hear this truth she came to tell me, but when the moment came…  
  
“Amber… listen… I…” her voice wandered.  
“Wait.” I interrupted her with a nervous and rushed sigh.  
  
… I chickened out.  
  
I have these expectations of what she would say, and I wasn’t ready just yet to feel utterly disappointed if it wasn’t at all what I was picturing. I have these theories, these… these _messages_ that I’ve been finding in between the lines of what she’s given me, and of what she’s said to me so far… and I wasn’t just yet ready to be wrong if that was in fact the case – if I had been reading everything mistakenly this whole time. If I could just be selfish for just this once, and pretend for just _this once_ that everything was left as is -- _untouched,_  before ‘space’ was brought up – for just a little longer… to ease all of this pain… even if by just a little bit...   
  
“Let’s go get the skateboards first. Come on.” I finished saying, and quickly opened the entrance door behind me, wide for her to pass through.  
  
  
  
**To be continued...**  
  
  
**Edits and additions:** Done 10/17/2016  
  
**A/N:** Ayeeee! I'm updating like I used to back in the day! See? Anyway, a lot of you kept telling me to make Krystal suffer, and my BETA (cloudcute is a buttface and excellent BETA, honestly. Hit them up) also mentioned that Amber should definitely be pissed, which I agreed with. I had a couple of different scenarios of how their meeting would be -- I had the angry scenario and the light hearted/awkward one, and I loved them both! So, I managed to place them both into this chapter, which I am happy about. Because on one hand, even though Amber doesn't seem like the type to get angry like this, under the right pressure and with everything going on, any human being would explode -- and she did. But at the same time, even though she's so angry with Krystal, it was evident that she's still weak for her. It's hard to get over a princess, and I think we can all agree that Amber is by nature a pussy-whipped kind of person when it comes to relationships. Her personality with women would be the begging type, the type to do anything for them, the one who's weak for them. So, I wanted to show her angry side, but once that was all out of her system, she wanted to go ahead and give into her desires. She honestly wanted to smother Krystal the moment she saw her, she wished she could go back in time and do it and just -- to hell with her dignity. She's kind of like a lost puppy running back to the owner no matter what. However, after seeing the skateboard, now she actually had a reason to give Krystal the benefit of the doubt, now she actually had a good reason to get her to come back and get a replay *QUEUE SHINEE - REPLAY*  XDD   
  
So, in the next few chapters we shall see how they both react to each other's personal reveals that have occurred in the last four chapters. I know that's what you all want to see. This could be a three part chapter. I named it Whenever/Wherever because no matter the timing or the place in which they find themselves in life, at the end of the day, Amber is always going to choose her princess. =D ~~makeupsexwhat~~  Will try to update as soon as possible. I already have my prompts, it's just a matter of organizing them into beautiful words for you guys to enjoy. 


	26. Whenever, Wherever - Part 2

She sighed lightly and with a reluctant nod, she passed through the front door. I was beginning to make my way towards my bedroom, when I noticed her steps came to a halt behind me. She was awkwardly standing still in the living room when I turned to see her.  
“Why are you just standing there?” I asked, as I chuckled awkwardly.  
“I’m waiting for you to get the skateboards.” She responded, as if it was a given.  
“We’ve both seen each other completely naked, and you’re not even a _teeny_ bit curious to see what my room looks like?” I jokingly asked, with a lazy smile.  Her gaze shyly dropped as she scoffed, and as her cheeks became red – totally caught off guard by what I said.  
“You – you’re really funny. Very funny.” She nervously said under her breath, as she began to follow me into my room.  
“Well, it’s true.” I replied, still softly chuckling. She was being overly shy since she got here, which is _pretty_ unlike her – believe it or not. Like I’ve said countless times before; sure she may seem shy on the outside towards someone she doesn’t know, but she isn’t _actually_ shy, and well… she knows me. Though, it could just be this particular situation – not only new people, but new situations also make her a bit shy. Granted, the situation _is_ pretty awkward, even if you’ve already been here before a hundred times.  
  
I kept trying to find the old Amber inside of me somewhere, you know? To make things more familiar for the both of us – make things less awkward. Nonetheless, we still found ourselves sharing uncomfortable silences in between the bits and pieces of our dialogues. It’s hard to explain what differentiates an uncomfortable silence from a good one. I guess… the uncomfortable ones are the kind where you both want different things, but neither of you say it, and so you also have no clue what the other person wants. It’s hard to read each other -- _reach_ each other, because you’re both staring at each other, but you’re actually just staring at a large and thick brick wall that’s right in between the two. So, you’re left in this really tight, tiny, and uncomfortable as hell spot where you’re continuously second guessing yourself as to whether you should say what you want or not, and also trying _hella_ hard to use some kind of mind-reading superpower to find out what the other person wants, but having _zero_ luck at it. And it seems like there’s no end to it, either. Even with the smallest second, it feels like hours have passed. Now… the good ones – heh… the good silences are the best, and total opposite of the uncomfortable ones. The good silences are the ones where you both want the same exact thing, and you can both read it totally and absolutely clearly from each other, too… _so_ clear to the point of needing to say not a _single_ word – pretty much like a mind sync. This silence, though… the one happening right now… was _definitely_ uncomfortable.  
  
She took one of the skateboards out of my hands, as I stood right in front of her offering her both.  
“Well, no… that one is yours…” she said, pointing with her nose at the second one that remained in my hand.  
“Oh yeah… I forgot.” I chuckled, as I turned around to place the other skateboard back into my closet. I turned back towards her to see her still standing in the same spot, holding onto the board awkwardly. “So… yeah. There you go.” I emphasized that our transaction was pretty much done and that she could leave now… or speak… or stay… or leave -- I wasn’t really sure if I was ready for either of those things. But… I wanted her to do _something_ instead of just _standing_ there. Gosh…  
“Yeah… thanks.” She said, lifting up the board slightly. I nodded slowly as I pursed in my lips. “Your room is a -- umm, pretty colorful.” She randomly said as she began eyeing the bedroom, still standing in place.  
“Oh yeah… I collect a lot of useless and colorful stuff, I guess.” I lazily shrugged and began eyeing my own room together with her.  
“Like Pokémon cards?” she said with a slight chuckle, as she pointed at my open collection book sitting on my desk.  
“Well… that’s _semi_ -useless.” I defended their honor.  
“Not entirely useless?” she asked with a raised brow and a teasing tone.  
“Yeah nah, not if you’re a Pokémon master like me.” I responded jokingly, but in a very serious tone.  
“Gawd, I’m in love with a child.” she said under her breath, this time with her usual fake shy giggle that reaches all the way to her eyes. That’s the usual Soojungie right there.  
“That didn’t sound right at all.” I chuckled, while inferring her basically pedo joke.  
“The ‘in love’ part?”  
“No… the uhh… the ‘child’ part. The ‘in love’ part is fine… or uhh good or…”  I tripped over my words at her suddenly putting me on the spot.  
“… or true. It’s also true.” She added to my sentence, her face becoming suddenly serious as she chased for my eyes with her own.  
“And uhh, _here_ we also have [Mr. Bread](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tweLPqTwxg&feature=youtu.be&t=6m38s).” I quickly moved from in front of her, and towards my plush dolls over my bed. Is she trying to tell me that she’s still in love with me? I mean, it was a joke, right?  
  
I wasn’t ready yet.  
  
“Don’t tell him he’s actually bread, though. He doesn’t know he’s bread, he thinks Bread really is just his last name.” I continued, as she followed me over towards my bed.  
“Why can’t we tell him?” she asked with a smile, amused at my dorkiness.  
“I dunno. Precaution thing. I’m guessing he’d go into some kind of existential crisis if he found out – Well, I would if I were him. Don’t wanna burden him with that, you know?” I explained, as we now both directed our eyes towards Mr. Bread at the same time.    
“Really? I’d be pretty happy if I found out I was bread.” She pensively said.  
“That’s because you’re weird.” I teased her with a smirk, as I looked up at her to gauge her reaction.  
“I’d eat myself.” She stated bluntly with a very serious expression, as she looked up to meet my gaze.  
“Gosh, why are you so dark?” I chuckled.  
“How is that dark? I’d taste really good. My limbs would grow back.”  
“Okay, your limbs would not grow back.” I disagreed.  
“Have you ever been bread before?” she defensively asked.  
“Nnno?” I responded slowly and hesitantly.  
“Okay then how would you know?”  
“Because limbs don’t just _grow_ back.” I continued my chuckling at how cute she is when she’s being weird.  
“Do I go into your fantasies and alter your rules? My limbs would grow back.” She said with sass, as I jokingly face-palmed myself.  “I’m Princess Bread.” She continued.  
“You’re not Princess Bread, you’re Krystal.” I corrected her.  
“No, I’m Princess Bread.” She insisted cutely, but firmly.   
“Okay, I guess you can be the one to tell Mr. Bread about his condition, maybe you can both eat yourselves together or something.” I said, unable to contain my chuckling, as I began to point at my other stuffed animals. “And this is…”   
“Kirby.” She finished my sentence. I turned over to her jokingly annoyed.  
“This is my presentation. Don’t interrupt.” I pointed my finger at her, jokingly reprimanding her.  
“I love the Kirby games -- the old ones from the Super Nintendo?” She continued.  
“I know right? They should insert a bread power-up into the game, just for you.” I teased her with a chuckle.  
“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes slightly, holding back a smirk.  
“And this is Perry. I think you’re Perry, but not Agent Perry. You’re Perry in his pet state. That’s you.” I said, as I lifted Perry up to cover Krystal’s face.    
  
The room went silent for a few seconds.  
  
“I want to make an animal sound, but I have no idea what he sounds like.” She began to laugh lightly.  
“He’s mostly pretty quiet, so you did pretty good as Perry.” I laughed with her, as I placed Perry back onto my bed.  
“And that one?” she pointed at the Teddy Bear on the bed.  
“ _That_ … he doesn’t really have a name. He’s just a teddy bear I’ve had since I was a kid.”  
“Teddy Llama.” She suggested.  
“Hmm. Yeah.” I said, as I pensively looked up in approval. “I hereby pronounce you, Teddy Llama.” I announced, as I used my finger as a sword and touched both shoulders on my Teddy Bear – you know, kind of how they do when a King is knighting a soldier. Krystal held the board in between her knees to free her hands, and began to clap very formally.  I turned towards her and nodded firmly. “Good job, Princess Bread. Good suggestion.” We then busted into a sudden and light laughter, breaking out of our short-lived characters.

The laughter didn’t last long before it faded into shy and soft smiles, and before silence invaded the room all over again…  
  
But one of the good ones.            
  
We were ourselves again, even for just a moment… and it almost felt like no time had passed at all. It almost felt like we were still back in South Korea standing in her room, right across from her twin bed, right across from her scent infused pillow of French Lavender and Wild Rose… my Green Tea Mint shampoo… the wood… _oh,_ the air – it all hit me, _all_ of it all at once. Every single spec of my senses taken over, and _oh,_ how I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss this Soojung so badly. The one who would never hurt me. The one who would always be there for me. The one who would always let me be there for her. This Soojung that existed before any of these horrible things ever happened.  
  
For a moment…  
  
… it almost felt like she still didn't know how to drive, I still hadn’t written my first song, and we were still sitting in the hallways under dim lights watching “Never Been Kissed” -- her arms wrapped around my neck, and her static lips were pressed over mine because she was too shy to make any further movements.  
  
For a moment… everything was perfect.  
  
“If you’re not in a rush or anything, I could give you a skateboarding lesson so you don’t fall on your butt again.” I blurted with a chuckle. Oh man, am I special.  
  
There’s so much weight in unspoken words, I legit quivered at the pressure… but it was definitely one of the good ones – the silence? It was a good silence. Everything was perfect at that moment, and I know she felt it, too… but if you can’t handle the kitchen get out of the heat. Right? No, wait. It’s if you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. So, the kitchen was the moment, and the heat was umm… Look. I couldn’t handle it, okay? Gosh…!  
  
She accepted my offer, but not before saying 'stupid' to me under her breath. I soon found myself sitting on the floor reaching under my bed for my ankle braces.  She stood next to me, lazily leaning onto my bed frame, and spinning the wheels on her board as she stood it upright next to her. I could feel the uncomfortable silence creeping up on us again…  
  
“So, why exactly had you been here for a few weeks, and didn’t come see me before? How did you even know where I lived?” I asked.  
“We were filming a short reality show as part of our schedule, and our last stop had been here in Los Angeles. That’s why I couldn’t come see you sooner; I had to wait until the filming was over.” she explained, and then pensively paused for a moment. “I _wanted_ to see you sooner… _much_ sooner, actually…” her voice faltered for a second, as if she was trying to stop it from shaking before she spoke the next word. “… but I realized you had changed numbers, and I had also misplaced the company e-mail that had any other additional contact info, so I had no way of giving you notice that I would be here… I’m sorry for that.” A reality show in Los Angeles? Damn it. That sounds like fun. I can’t believe I missed out on that… also, it makes sense why she couldn’t come before… I really _was_ being an idiot.  
“It’s okay, that didn’t really… bother me. Well, it did… but I was steamed up. So, not really. But still, you haven’t told me – how did you know where I lived?”  
“Well, I do have the ‘Jung’ at the end of my name as you’ve said before. I pulled some strings with the manager to get your current home address.” She said with a proud yet held back smirk.  
“Isn’t that info… confidential?” I spoke, as I looked up at her.  I was almost done setting up my braces, as I began to reach for my Jordans.  
“Exactly why I had to pull some strings. Are you going to sue me?” she asked as she looked down at me, with a much more evident smirk this time and a raised brow.  
“I might…” I responded lowly, as I held back a smirk. I turned towards her knees noticing her bandage still there. “Are you sure your knee is okay enough to get back on that board?” I asked.  
“I think so.” She responded, as she attempted to bend her knee a few times with no issue.  
“Why were you even on it if you had no idea how to ride it?” I asked curiously, already knowing her answer was going to be amusing – a smile peaking at the corner of my lips.  
“I honestly did not think it would be that hard. I was supposed to glide up to your door all _cooly_ , and knock… and…”  
“Impress me?” I finished her sentence, as I stood up and found myself face to face with her suddenly.  
“…Yeah…” she responded, a bit caught off guard.  My smile finished forming, and as we were about to enter into another state of good silence, I noticed a piece of paper peaking out of her back pocket as the bed frame made pressure against her pants.  
“What’s that?” I pointed at it, tilting my head in its direction. Krystal was confused for a moment, as she then turned her head towards her pocket.  
“Oh… this is a…” she pulled it out, unfolding it in front of me. “… a script.” She finished.  
“For the reality show thingy?”  
“Umm, it’s for a sitcom. It’s stupid, I know. I just wanted to try it out – acting.”  
“No, no… not at all. That’s amazing, actually.  It’s _really_ good. I can’t wait to see it.”  I felt proud. I was... _proud_  of her -- a feeling I hadn’t felt in quite some time, and a feeling I didn’t think I could ever feel again towards her. Anyway, it’s about time she realized how much more talented she is than she thinks. I tried to lock eyes with her so she could see that I was sincere. She tends to not believe me and thinks I’m just being bias, but she truly is amazing.   
“Well, I don’t have the part yet. I’m auditioning for it. So… I’m going to be the niece of one of the characters…” she lowered her gaze slightly, and nodded shyly as she pursed in her lips. Is she nervous at how physically close we are, or just ashamed at her small role in the sitcom?  
“You don’t sound too excited about it, though. I feel like I’m more excited than you.” I teased her and chuckled softly.  
“I am.” She said, as she folded up the paper once again, and placed it back into her pocket. “I guess I just -- I would have wanted the role of like… a strong woman, or a psychopath.” Her eyes shifted to the side, ashamed at her confession, and ashamed at her own smile that peaked at the idea.   
“Psychopath. I’m actually really not surprised, weirdo.” I laughed lightly, as I removed myself from in front of her to go grab my board. “Let’s go.” I said, as I began walking out of my bedroom door and queued her to follow.  
“So, you think I’d make a good psychopath?” she asked as we walked.  
“Oh gosh, yes. You’d giggle people to death.” I teased her.  
“Stupid…” she murmured in a giggle. “It’s called ‘More Charming by the Day’, the sitcom.”  
“Yeahp, that is definitely cheesy sounding, but hey, you gotta start somewhere.” I said, as we laughed.  
  
“Okay, first thing first… you need to learn to stand on the board.” I demonstrated it first myself. “You gotta find your balance. See how I’m standing sideways?” I explained. “Try it.” She was standing across from me where I was able to fully see her figure. She was wearing her baggy T-shirt stuffed into the front of her jeans as usual, her black flats, and her loose hair always blowing into her face as she continuously stroked it back, in that way that only she knows how -- and in that way that only _she_ knows how to blow _me_ away...  
“Easy enough.” She said proudly to herself.  
“Okay that’s good, but your right foot needs to be on the back -- on the elevated part of the board.” I clarified, but she wasn’t placing it right. I got off my board, and walked towards her.  
“Ohhh. So _serious_ , teacher Amber.” She teased me, as I was walking towards her.  
“I’m serious? I’m not serious. This is just my focused face.” I chuckled, feeling suddenly a bit self conscious. I bent down and placed my hands right above her short sock, and my thumb instinctively and gently brushed over the skin of her ankle as I moved her right foot to the correct position. It was the second time touching her since seeing her again... _why_ would I keep track of something so trivial? -- I thought to myself. Even if ever so slightly our touch was, it was just as electrifying as the time my fingers touched her lips back at my entrance door -- just a tiny and short-lived jolt. I wondered if she also felt the same... “Okay, try moving the board back and forth now -- see how it feels.” I instructed her, as I began to stand up again. She suddenly placed her hands on my shoulders as she began to move. I was surprised for a slight second.  
  
The third time.  
  
“No, no… you’re supposed to do it alone and try to balance yourself.” I tried to gently remove her hands with mine.   
  
The fourth time.   
  
“I need training wheels!” she whined jokingly.  
“Okay, okay…” I chuckled lightly as I gave in. “You can use my shoulders as training wheels.”  
“Training shoulders.” She corrected me.  
“Yeah. Okay. Sure. Training shoulders.” I rolled my eyes with a light laugh, as I then suddenly moved away. “Okay, training shoulders off.” She squealed lightly, but found herself doing a pretty good job alone. “See!? You’re a natural.” I stepped back to take a better look at her technique.  
“You tricked me.” She pointed at me, squinting her eyes as she continued to move back and forth on the board.  
“No, I would never. That’s just my teaching technique.” I laughed lightly at her adorableness. “Okay, gliding time.” I said, as I got near her again. “Now, straighten your front foot and place this one on the ground here.” I pointed and instructed as she moved, allowing her to hold herself on me again for balance -- the fifth time.   
  
Jotls. 

  
“Now, push _slowly_ …” I emphasized.  
“Like this?”  
“…slowly… slowly! Soojung!” she had pushed… a _little_ too hard.  
“Oh my gawd! Amber! Oh my gawd! Oh my gawd! Where are the breaks!?” I ran after the board to try and get in front of her. She nearly crashed into me, but I managed to grab her as to avoid another fall like the first time -- one hand stopping her at her waist and the other one on her shoulder.   
  
The sixth time.    
  
“I said slowly!” I exclaimed out of breath, but still holding back a laugh.  
“I did!” her eyes wide with fear, as she held firmly onto my arms while catching her breath.  
  
The seventh time.   
  
“Babe, that’s not…” I stopped myself, realizing I had subconsciously called her ‘babe’. “That was definitely not slow.” I scoffed it off, as I brought us both slowly to the ground to sit onto the edge of the sidewalk. She cleared her throat, and as I was facing forward I could feel her eyes turn towards me. They stood there for a while. I gulped, hoping she wouldn’t mention my subconscious slip.  
“Yeah, I don’t think skateboarding is my thing.” She blurted. We then both chuckled softly.  
“That’s fine.” I said, contently. This is exactly how I had pictured our skateboard date to have gone: the princess freaking out, and the servant being there at all times to assist. It was fun. It was perfect.  
“I like skiing…? We can try that.” She said, as she finally turned her eyes forward, as well.  
“Like in the snow? Yeah, I mean… I’ve never tried that. I’d like that… I mean…” this time it was my eyes that turned towards her. “… Krys, you keep saying things along the lines of ‘ _we_ could do this, or _we_ could do that’, and I’m just… I don’t know yet… if…”  
“You don’t know if you want to get back together with me, I get it. But you’d rather sit here, crack jokes, and pretend like nothing ever happened…? Isn’t that awkward at all?” she turned towards me, as our eyes met.  
“It doesn’t have to be…” I said softly and shamefully under my breath, as my eyes shifted only slightly to the side. She was right. I wasn’t in nor was I out. I kept avoiding the inevitable conversation, yet I continued to pretend like we were still together as if nothing happened… yet while still not wanting to _actually_ be together? What was I so afraid of? Of hearing how she still loved me? Of then having to feel obligated to burst out into everything that’s happened to me in the past few weeks? I guess you reach that point where you’re so broken that you kinda just wanna enjoy that person’s company without actually risking compromising yourself emotionally…

“Are you… seeing -- have you moved on or… look I mean… I know I’m late, I know that I…”  
“No, no… it’s not that at all, Krys…” I sighed facing forward again, as I stroked both hands through my hair and to the back of my neck, letting my fingers then slowly fall back onto my knees.  
  
 Someone else?  
  
The idea of touching someone else’s skin that wasn’t Krystal’s was definitely an idea that never even reached the surface of my mind up until she mentioned it. It was either going to be her or no one at all -- was basically my mind-set, which is ridiculous. She’s turned me into ridiculous.  
  
There’s no getting over Krystal… there’s no getting over her at all.  
  
“Then you _need_ to listen to me – to everything I’ve wanted to say to you since the moment you opened the door and said my name. I have to tell you, I have to try… at least, because yes, I did come here for a schedule, but you need to believe me that it was the only way that I _could_ come.” She said, as I could still feel her eyes on me – fierce and sad.  
“Listen, Krys… now that you  _are_ here, I _want_ you here. I do. I just don’t know if I’m ready to feel everything that whatever you’re about to say is going to make me feel…”  
“And _I_ wasn’t ready to feel _any_ of this, Amber. All of this? Loving you, wanting you, hurting you, missing you, and now here trying to get you back?” she refuted.   
“You want me back?” I said softly and with a hint of surprise, as my eyes became slightly wide; and it’s not that it wasn’t completely obvious after seeing her gift, after hearing her talk about us in the future tense… it’s just _hearing_ it out loud – see, _this_ is what I wasn’t ready to feel, this feeling that I’m feeling right now? For how low my self-esteem really is, it’s kind of a clash when someone actually fights for you like this -- it’s _foreign_ to me, because I’m always the only one fighting...  
“This is _all_ new to me. So, how do you think _I_  feel? I have _no_ idea what to say to you. I had no idea what heartache even _was_ until I actually felt your absence from my life become something real, and even at that moment I had no idea what to do with myself, Amber. In the moment I knew I needed to come to Los Angeles, our schedules were so busy. I would have gotten here much sooner if I could. The only way I knew I would be able to see you as fast as possible, was staying here after filming was done, and that’s what I did. So, I may have initially gotten here because of work, but I stayed here because of you, and I want to go back _with_ you…” her voice was shaking and filled with a sense of urgency, while she still tried to retain _some_ confidence in it. She was right, though. She must be  _so_  much more afraid of all of these feelings more so than me, and here she is confronting them head on. I’ve already experienced a couple of times at least two of the feelings that she’s just _now_ feeling for the very first time…  I could do this. I can do this… face it all? Hear her out?

  
“Okay… tell me everything.” I gave in, I took in a deep breath to collect myself, and I responded with a clear mind, ready to understand.  
  
  
She told me everything…  


["Crash" - Somo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqxc8gidlsQ)  
_Let's just go back. Can the story replay to that day that you prayed that I'd never stray away?_  
Wish I'd never strayed away.  


  
  
…How she felt that her father treated her nicely only because she saw her as another one of his business investments, how her mother physically abused her for the most _minimal_  mistakes, how her mother also despised me and belittled her for even _breathing_ the same air as me – belittled her for even _thinking_ about straying away from the course they had set for her in the business, which was to be an exact replica of her sister. And she then finally told me the truth about her conversation with her sister – the things Jessica warned her of, told her of – the _fear_ she planted into her heart about being in this kind of relationship. And the thing is that, that fear and that rejection have always been there, but at least she had a space outside of her home where she could ignore it -- fan it away like an annoying fly… but it was at that moment when she had that conversation with Jessica that she realized, that not only could she not be herself at home, but she could no longer feel safe to be herself within the company walls that she shared together with her sister… and with me. I was so shocked, and almost disgusted with myself that I had stood by whining about wanting to take a nap with her, telling her to just brush off her paranoia, and to just go back to being her usual self with me… all the while she was bottling all of this up, like a freaking Mentos dropped into a diet Coke, and cap shut tight.  
  
But wait… I _did_ tell her to tell me. I _did_ tell her to not feel these things alone. Maybe, I – I don’t know… went about it the wrong way…? But I _did_ let her know that I was _there_ for her… Right? Was there anything I could have said differently to her that would have made her open up to me sooner?  
  
Eventually, Jessica caught on to Krystal’s feelings… she didn’t tell me _how_ exactly, but from what she _did_ tell me, it was almost as if Jessica’s feelings were synched with Krystal’s – as if she knew about that _exact_ situation from firsthand experience.  
  
I scooted closer as she finished her narration. I wanted to hug her, but I held myself back not exactly sure if I was ready for that much just yet – offering only my compassionate gaze, and anger towards her family, but I appeased it because I know that only ignorance can make people act like that, right? They’re misinformed… Parents couldn’t possibly knowingly be _that_ cruel…  
  
“Krystal, I _knew_ … that would happen, and it’s okay that it happened. I just wish you would have told me, Krys. Like, I _told_ you it was going to happen, and I wanted so badly to avoid you feeling this way that I would have been fine with just crushing on you from far away – I _really_ would have. I would have managed somehow, you know? I don’t know exactly how, but… I would have found some way. Instead, you were the one who insisted that you would never feel that way, and that everything would be fine. And even though I had already been through something so similar and horrible… I trusted you, Krystal. I trusted you _whole-heartedly_ when you told me that. I trusted you _so_ much.  So, I just – I went with it… whole-heartedly. I opened up so completely to you like I had never done ever before, and then what I said would happen – it happened. But at that point, it was too late for me to back out with no bruises like I initially wanted to, because I was already too invested. I blamed myself so much and for so long thinking that maybe I was approaching you the wrong way about things, and that’s why you weren’t opening up to me. I felt like it was all my fault, like I was doing something wrong; and then on top of you not wanting to open up to me, I felt even worse because I thought it was my fault that you weren’t focused on your dream – on your goal anymore. I felt that it was on me -- that I was the reason you were now holding yourself back from being who really are. You could have told me about your parents the night I told you about Soyeon. I mean… I could have helped. I _hate_ that you were hurting like this so badly and for so long, and that I had no clue… instead you went out of your way to make me believe you really didn’t love me, and I ended up _really_ believing that. You broke my heart, Krys…” Thinking about everything all over again didn’t make me angry anymore, but it sure made me feel _super_ pathetic, and there was definitely an evident lump growing in the back of my throat... bigger and bigger after every word spoken. My body was turned towards her, but my gaze remained low the entire time, because I knew the moment I made eye contact, the waterworks show would definitely commence.  
  
“I know, I know you told me. I just – when people tell you about bad things that have happened to other people, you always think that it would never happen to you. ‘That would _never_ be me.’ You get what I’m saying, right…? Or ‘that would never happen to _me_.’  People are always thinking that they’re somehow the exception, and I just … I felt _so_ elated, I felt such a high, Amber – this positive feeling like no other. _Nothing_ could bring me down from where I was when I was with you – like the song ‘Such Great Heights’. You made me feel things I’ve _never_ felt before, and that was the beauty of it, but also the doom of it.   _Because_ it was something new, something I had never felt before – _done_ before… I also didn’t know what to do when faced with the negative side of what we had gotten into. I didn’t know how to deal; I didn’t know what to say to you. I just pushed you away from me as to not hurt myself, as to not hurt you any further… I didn’t know _what_ I was causing you to feel _at all_ until I felt it myself the moment you left. I wanted to push you away only enough to see you from afar… my intention was never for you to _leave_. And I felt it then, Amber – the worse pain a person could _ever_ feel – I know for certain it has to be the worse, because I couldn’t breathe, and what could be worse than not being able to breathe and yet still not die? Being constantly caught between life and death… every second of every day…” her body was also turned towards me, and her gaze had also lowered. I could see her hands fidgeting roughly with the front edge of her shirt, as she had untucked it from her pants.  
  
“Dying without dying – like a ghost.” I interrupted.  
  
“Just like a ghost…” she continued.  “… And when I realized then that I made you feel that exact same way… I wanted nothing more than to bring you back – to end my own pain and to apologize for making you feel that same pain, but it was too late. Though, I knew at least that it wasn’t too late to be myself again. So, I did _that_ at least… in the meantime… until I figured out how to get to you. But you need to understand, I had _no one_ to validate me. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell my soul-mate… It was only until Jessica accepted me that I had the courage to begin to accept myself. For some reason, her acceptance was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulder. You had Jackie, Henry, Luna... I had _no one_ …” she finished, her voice shaking into whimpers. Jackie accepted me right away, no questions asked and right from the get-go. I can’t imagine how much more different things could have gone for me if Jackie had acted like Jessica acted with Krystal initially… who did Soyeon have?  
  
“I know... and I’m sorry that you had to feel like that… I mean, I _completely_ understand.” I responded. I was taking in deep breaths, controlling my breathing as to not fall apart with the amount of emotions she was stirring up inside of me – how much pain she was in from the pressure and rejection from her own family that fueled her fear, how much pain she was in from not knowing what to do about that fear, how much pain she was in from experiencing her own heartbreak for the very first time after she unknowingly caused it herself… and how that heartbreak was caused by my absence… -- I tried to soak it all in bit by bit.  I understand why she did what she did, but I still couldn’t help but feel betrayed knowing that there were other options… you know? Other options where I didn’t end up heartbroken – my pump machine shattered to a billion pieces?  
  
“And _I’m_ sorry that I broke your heart in the process…  I _never_ wanted that… I never -- and to _hurt_ you… _knowing_ that I hurt you like that... Amber. I know that there is literally nothing I can say to you right now that can possibly fix what happened. You gave me something: the chance to feel loved for the very first time, and for that very first time to be right… and I took that for granted. You gave yourself a second chance in me, for me to make you feel loved like it was _your_ very time again, for _me_ to be right, and I promised you that I wouldn’t let you down like you were once let down before – that I wouldn’t allow for that coldness you warned me about, to take over… and I broke that promise. I destroyed _all_  of it, and I literally have _nothing_ to show for it, except to be here right now… right here. I still believe that it can still be special regardless of the pain, and regardless of the coldness… that you can still feel the butterflies again -- the innocence… even after coming back from the fallout and from the disappointment. It doesn’t _have_ to be right the very first time you try in order for it to work, Am. I know that now for sure, because I can _feel_ it now. So, I am _begging_ you to… _please_ … give me a second chance to be your first chance again.”  At this time, she raised her gaze towards me, and I could see her hands twitch as if she wanted to reach out to hold mine, but she didn’t want to cross her boundaries or make me uncomfortable… so, she hesitated. She held back – but only her hands, as her cheeks were moist with her tears.  
  
“I don’t know, Krys… I need time. I… Like I said, there’s just so much going on right now.” I took another deep breath in, as I kept my gaze low.  “I _swear_ to you that there is nothing more that I’ve ever wanted but to hear you say all of these words to me… and I want to, but I’m -- I’m _scared_ to love you again…” At that moment, I finally raised my gaze towards hers, almost in defiance. I couldn’t shake off this feeling, as much as I freaking wanted to so badly – this feeling of betrayal. It sounds so beautiful, the whole idea of the phoenix of love or whatever bullshit rising from the ashes – like, I could hear what she was saying, but I just didn’t feel it the way she did. I felt like everything had been ruined, and there was no turning back… that’s how I felt. Maybe I’m just being overly pessimistic with everything going on right now… I don’t know… I…  
“I… I understand. I understand how complicated love is now... but… ” she was about to object when my phone began to ring.  
  
It was Jackie.  
  
“I’m – I’m sorry… I need to get this.” I interrupted her. “What’s up?” I answered the phone.  
“Mom… she’s here.” Jackie said, sounding almost unsure.  
“What do you mean ‘she’s here’?” I asked.  
“They called me, and they told me that the only way they’d be confident with finally discharging her, was bringing her home to see how she’d react to her surroundings.” Jackie explained, sounding a little out of breath, and as if she was walking quickly somewhere. “I had to rush from class to the house. They told me that since I was the one who signed the papers, they needed to see to me. I’m about to meet with them now at the door.” She explained.  
“So, she – she’s there right now?” my voice began to shake.  
“Yeah, but -- where _are_ you, anyway?”  
“I was um… I was just skating a bit. Umm… I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m like, just around the corner. So…” I hung up.  
“Is everything okay?” Krystal asked, as I could see her quickly wiping her tears from her face with the palm of her hands, concerned as she noticed the trembling in my voice.  
“Yeah. It’s good. I just -- my mom’s back. I have to go back home.” I said, as I felt my face go cold, and as I began licking and biting my lips nervously. I needed to take a moment to compartmentalize – you know? Grab these Krystal emotions and put them away in a box, and – whoa! There go the mom emotions, just flinging out like crazies. I gotta organize _these_  now.    
“Back? Where was she?” Krystal asked.  
“The hospital.” I said without much elaboration. I was still sitting still on the sidewalk, fidgeting with my phone and with my lips.  
“Am…” Krystal’s hand gently touched my shoulder. The eight time... “What happened to her? Well, whatever it is… if she’s back that’s a good thing, right? You should be happy. It means she’s better, right?” she wanted so badly to console me.  
“I don’t know.” I sat still for much longer, unable to move for some reason. It’s like I was frozen, which just made Krystal more confused and concerned by the second. I could tell she was also trying to compartmentalize – she was trying so hard to put away her own pain in order to support me, while at the same time not knowing exactly _how_ to do that, because she had zero clue what was going on at my home – not even the tip of the iceberg.   
“I’ll -- I guess I’ll let you go and take care of things, then.  I’ll head back to the hotel, and…” her voice wandered, not quite sure of what to say, unable to gauge a reaction from me.  
“No.” I quickly placed my hand on hers that was still resting over my shoulder, as she was about to move it away.  The ninth time... “Come with me, please…?” my voice came out in a plead.  She nodded slowly; her jaw was slightly dropped since I seemed to have surprised her with my sudden movement. She turned her hand around that was on my shoulder, in order to begin to hold my hand. I stood up first, and then helped her stand next. We each went to get our boards, and began walking back towards my house, all the while she didn’t let go of my hand… not even for a second -- for the tenth time, and for  _this_ time...   
  
... A constant jolt.   
  
  
**To be continued...**

 

 

 **A/N:**  
Phew! This chapter ended up being a lot longer than I wanted it to be. I used to make my chapters 12 word pages each, font 11 Calibri single spaced. One of my readers explained that it would be best if I made them 6 pages each, that way I can update more often and it's not too tiring to read. This one went into the 10 page category. The part where they explain everything to each other, and finally open up about their feelings about what happened back in South Korea, and are honest with each other 100% about it all -- that part is the part that became much longer than what I had expected. It was also pretty emotionally draining for me to put the character's emotions into words about the situation. I hope I did an okay job at it, and was able to convey their motives properly, and I hope you guys enjoyed their responses to each other in regards to the situation.   
  
A lot of things got cleared up between that exchange, but of course Amber is still feeling shitty and heartbroken. Krystal doesn't hesitate to offer her full 100% support to her Servant Llama during whatever hard situation the Llama is going through, which Krystal does not yet know of. Krystal is okay with either giving Amber the space she needs, or being there for Amber when requested, regardless of Krystal ending up with her in the end or not. I wanted to convey that, that Krystal will still be there for Amber no matter what, and vice versa. They really want to be there for each other, even though they both had some issues with opening up and asking for help. Hopefully now that they are being more honest with each other, it will be much easier to support each other and to know when the other person needs it.   
  
Amber's mom is back! Woo! Stay tuned! I will try to update this as soon as possible once more. However, League of Legends placements end on Nov. 7th, so I'm probably going to be grinding for the Gold. Currently stuck in Silver (elo-hell). So, will probably be grinding on that for about a week, which will also give my heart some time to recover. And then I will once again jump on getting this next chapter out for you guys! Woo hoo! Thanks again for reading.   
  
OOH! Fun facts. I'm always inserting little facts from the characters into the story, but I rarely ever link them, I just figure people stan them enough to know, but I just thought this one would be interesting.  **https://twitter.com/kbnye/status/577822140927365120**  
It was during a fan account, Krystal said the characters that she would like to play in a movie or series. I've already had Krystal make a few references to being interested in Psychopathic characters, and I thought that was really cool. It's really telling of the kind of mind she has, and the kind of things she probably thinks about. LOL!   
  
Quotes from previous chapters on Krystal and Psychopaths!  
  
1- “Darth Vader is very bad, Michael Myers is very bad, Patrick Bateman is very bad – I’m just fun.” She said, with a mischievous giggle, as she placed her phone underneath her pillow.  I shook my head at her slowly, as I began to get into bed, crawling on top of her.

2- It feels like the eerie sound that plays right before an Ed Gein inspired psychopath raises his knife in front of the shower curtains. 

  
  
**Kryber is Love**

**  
**


	27. Close

_Close_

                                                               

 

I wasn’t sure why I asked her to come with me; it was sort of a reflex.  Maybe I didn’t want to make that walk back to my house all alone and feeling the way I was feeling, or maybe I just didn’t want to feel like I was walking away from her again for the second time… even though, this time, our roles were slightly reversed.  
  
The walk back was quiet -- _too_ quiet, enough to make me a lot more nervous than I already was. That creeping uncomfortable silence made its way in between us both gawd damn _brilliantly_ again. The inconclusiveness of our conversation was adding to my anxieties of seeing my mom, and the slow back and forth graze of Krystal’s thumb over the back of my hand wasn’t as comforting as she may think it was. It was electrifying, yeah. I’ll give you that, but… it feels out of place to be physically intimate with her when everything is such a cesspool on the inside. It almost feels illegal, against nature… physical manifestations are supposed to be _just that_ \-- a manifestation, which is by definition something that is supposed to physically reflect an abstract notion -- something hidden to be brought out, something unexplainable that you can bring yourself to explain... physical intimacy is supposed to represent what we feel on the inside. When it doesn’t… it’s a lie.  And what I was feeling on the inside wanted me to still keep my distance. I was unhiding a fake. I was explaining the wrong feeling. Nonetheless, I tightened my grip onto her hand as we began walking up to my front door.  At this point, my pathetic self would take _any_ comfort than none at all. She turned her head towards me the moment she felt the tightness on her hand, not bothered but saddened, as if with the tightening of my hand on hers I had somehow given her an all VIP access to a picture of me down on my knees, bawling my eyes out, and yelling in fear. I bet she wondered about _what_ I was so afraid of. Why was it so hard for me to enter my _own home_ to see my _own mother_ after her coming back from the hospital? – I bet she wondered. Of course, no one would guess my situation. It’s one of those things that are straight out of one of those ‘tele-novelas’ Esteban is always making Jackie watch.  Believe it or not, even _I’m_ still struggling with the idea that I’m actually awake and not dreaming. Seeing my mom again is going to bring all of the bitter reality crashing right back down… she isn’t the open luggage in her bedroom that I can just shut the door on and avoid. She’s breathing, she’s audible…  
  
“Ta zai na…? Amber…”  
  
… and she’s asking for me.  
  
I heard her voice coming from the living room, but it was beginning to fade… did they just recently get her inside the house? I freed the hand that was holding the skateboard by placing it on the side of the entrance door, not wanting to let go of Krystal’s hand just yet, as I began to look for my house keys inside of my pocket. My fingers were trembling, as I moved the keys around in the palm of my hand, spreading out each key on the keychain in order to single out the right one. All the while I could feel Krystal’s sad and discreet glances on me. She would look around, look at the door, and then look back at me – rinse and repeat. “I got it.” I said softly and under my breath, as to reassure her that I was at least okay enough to unlock a door.   
  
As I walked in, I could see Jackie coming into the living room from the hallways that lead to our bedrooms. She stopped suddenly and turned towards the entrance door. She saw me first, and then her eyes briefly turned towards Krystal as her eyebrows expanded into slight surprise. Maybe confusion? See, she hadn’t seen the in-between’s of the situation, she just heard the ‘go fuck yourself’ and the ‘you’re such an idiot’ gist of it all. She was probably more confused than surprised. But she didn’t question it. She didn’t say a word about it. She walked up towards me, and embraced me warmly as she took in a deep breath, almost as if she was trying to somehow breathe in some of my strength for herself… but I had none. She exhaled as she stepped back to take a look at me, and then turned over to Krystal.  
“Hey, Krystal. Welcome back.” Jackie said with a soft smile, and so soft spoken.  
“Hey…” Krystal responded, with a slight nod and a smile in return. _Jesus_ , the whole atmosphere felt like someone had died and we were in the middle of the wake ceremony making our sad and awkward greetings. I suppose though… a lot of us _had_ died recently.  
  
Hopefully, we can come back soon…  
  
“Is she…” I spoke.  
“Yeah, she’s – she’s in her room.” Jackie said, as she made a lazily hand motion behind her back, pointing towards the hallway. “She was asking for you, Amber.  Like, the _very_ moment she stepped into the house…”  
“Yeah…?” I feigned ignorance, as I shifted my eyes from in front of Jackie and towards the hallway. I know. I heard her.  
“Yeah…” Jackie responded with a deflated and semi-sad tone. “Here, I’ll take this… go.” She said, as she began grabbing the board from out of my hand. Can you take Krystal, too? -- I thought to myself, because I’m still holding onto her, as well. Her hand was still in mine, and I couldn’t let go. I was kind of hoping for Krystal to sort of push me here, just like Jackie was doing. Maybe she could slowly slip her hand from out of mine regardless of me being a stubborn and reluctant brat? But Krystal wasn’t that kind of person. Just like back in the touring trailer the very next morning after my confession on stage? 

>   
>  "Can you..." I said, as I reached my hand out to grab a hold of Krystal's arm. "... stay?" She turned around to look back at me. She could see the fear pouring out of my eyes, my uneasiness. She looked at me again, with so much empathy, as she bit and licked her bottom lip. She wanted to kiss me again. She wanted to stop the worry -- or at least help me forget about it. She could tell the difference between an Amber  _without_  Krystal's lips on hers, and an Amber  _with_  Krystal's lips on hers. Nothing about last night ever even crossed my mind while I had her lips on mine... now, seeing the rest of the world, seeing everyone's face again... reality started to kick in. It was no longer dark outside, but bright. No longer was anyone asleep, but awake. The world was spinning, the world existed, everything was real, and I was soon going to have to face it all... face the media, face my mom, face the world, face these feelings... She knew, that though she was somehow involved,  _I'm_  the one who confessed in public. Her diary? I'm the  _only one_  to have read it, and I'm the  _only one_  who reacted to it... she knew my burden was greater.   
>  She looked around quickly to make sure the rest of the girls had made a move, were not close by.  She then hastily leaned in towards me, stroked my bangs back to reveal my forehead, and softly kissed it... as she slowly leaned back to look at me. A soft smile traced her lips, as she finished stroking the rest of my hair back... I could feel the tip of her fingers gliding over the roots of my hair, all the way until they reached the bottom of my neck, where she caressed my skin gently.    
>    
>  That's when I understood. I stood up, still holding her arm, understanding that... no.  She couldn't stay. Neither could I.  I had to face reality, but at least...  
>    
>  ... she would face it with me.

 

She’s too patient. She’s too caring. She’s… too close to being perfect, and she pampers me too much for my own good. She won’t let go of my hand and she won’t leave my side until I’ve convinced _myself_ that I’m ready to…  I suppose no time will ever be a good time – heh… that’s my pep talk to myself? Really? That no matter when it happens, no matter when I face my mom, it’s going to _suck_ just the same every single time? Of _course_ that would be my pep talk to myself… Yolo, right?  
I slowly slip my hand from in between Krystal’s… I turn towards her.  
“You don’t have to wait out here. You can chill in my room if you want.” I offered her, my voice shaking slightly.  
“Okay. I’ll wait for you there then.” Krystal responded, shortly after lovingly scanning my face with her eyes– lovingly but with worry. Jackie then rubbed my upper back comfortingly, as I began to take steps forward, as I began walking away and into the hallway.  
  
As I approached my mom’s bedroom, a nurse stepped out and began walking towards Jackie out into the living room. She didn’t have my mother with her, so… does that mean she’s well enough to stay? The door was left unclosed, so I slowly and fearfully pushed it open. Of course I was afraid. I was afraid of what I would find, what I would see… was she going to recognize me as her daughter or as her late husband again? Would she attack me again?  
  
She was sitting down on the corner of her bed, staring down at the open luggage that was still there, in the same spot I had left it in since that day. I began walking again, further into the bedroom. Her head suddenly turned towards me as she heard my footsteps.  
“Amber…” she said with guilt, sadness, and tears in her eyes -- tears that seemed to have been streaming out long before she saw me.  She then fully turned her body around, but remained still sitting on the bed. In her hands there was a prescription bottle that was filled to the brim with little light blue capsules. Seeing her cry, I then instinctively hurried towards the bed to sit beside her. “Amber… I…” she tried to speak, but could barely mutter a word, as she began crying further.  
  
I just hugged her.  
  
I hugged her so closely, because I knew what she wanted to say to me. She wanted to tell me she was sorry for unknowingly keeping my dad’s fate from me. She wanted to tell me she was sorry for unknowingly attacking me thinking I was my dad. She wanted to tell me she was sorry for having been gone for so long, and for having to leave the house at the very moment I needed her the most.  But the thing is… I didn’t want her to apologize for any of it.  
  
So, I hugged her to let her know this – to communicate this to her somehow. Her crying deepened, as I felt her cringe over my shoulder at the medication setting in. She was grieving for the very first time in years, so there’s no reason at all for her to _on top of this_ have to also feel guilty for something she had no reason to feel guilty for. Her cries were mortifying, as if his death had just happened. No. Worse. As if he was dying -- _slipping_ right out of her hands at that very moment… and she was resigned… and she couldn’t do anything about it.  
  
“M-mom… mom, it’s – it’s gonna be okay.” I said to her softly, almost inaudible as I tried to barely caress the back of her head, as if she was this fragile thing I didn’t want to break. “It’s okay… it’s alright.” I continued, but I didn’t believe what I was saying. How could I? I’m a hypocrite, because I know very well that same pain. Her and I? We’re not at all that different. Not at all. We both block things out, her more than me, of course; and we’ve both lost someone that we loved... to Death. And it doesn’t matter how it happens. It doesn’t matter when it happens. It doesn’t matter how soon, how far, how expected… it will never hurt any less than what it’s meant to hurt, and it’s never really going to be okay. You just eventually learn to live with the pain. Coexist with it. Accept that pain as being part of who you are.  
  
And she kept crying… and she cried -- she cried like she had never cried ever before.  
  


I had stayed with my mother until she had fallen asleep. She was exhausted, and with reason. Once in the hallway, I peeked out into the living room to see no one. The house was dead quiet. I began making my way towards my bedroom, and as I walked in I was slightly startled at the sight of Krystal sitting on my bed, flipping over my Pokémon collection book – I had _completely_ forgotten that she was still here, and that I told her that she could wait for me in my room. For how long was I with my mom?  
“Why is it that some cards are shiny and others aren’t?” she curiously asked, her eyes still fixated into the book. I relaxed my tense muscles at the adorable and curious way in which she posed her question, letting out a soft chuckle.  
“It’s because they’re holofoil – it’s kind of a material. It’s a lot thicker, better quality.” I explained, as I began walking towards the bed. “ _This_ is what they actually refer to as ‘shiny card’.” I said, as I sat right next to her on the bed and pointed at my red Gyarados.  “The Pokémon in shiny cards are usually a different color than the original, and these cards also tend to be rare and more valuable.” I stated proudly, trying my hardest to wash off the sadness from my face. It’s not that I wasn’t happy that she was still here, but more like I was really looking forward to just being alone so I didn’t have to put on my mask again, so that I could be sad without having to hide it from anyone. Wearing this thing is emotionally tiring.  
“Oh.” She adorably said, as she finally lifted her face towards mine, giving me a soft smile – said smile which waned suddenly the second she saw the forced smile that was coming from _my_ face.  
“What?” I asked with a soft chuckle, taken aback slightly at the sudden change in her demeanor.  
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” she asked with concern in her voice. I sighed, my gaze still holding on hers. The sigh was me removing my mask; giving in… we decided, not too long ago, that we would be honest with each other, right? -- That we would tell each other the truth from now on, and see where that takes us. Not to mention, that just like Jackie, Krystal also had a way of seeing right through these things – through these masks of mine. No point in keeping myself hidden any longer… no point.  
“Do you want to stay for dinner?” I asked with a lazy shrug, as I began reaching underneath my mattress.  
“Is that included in the package of you telling me what’s going on? Or is it either one or the other?” she asked with a shy smirk and a tilt of her head.  
“It’s in the package.” I chuckled, as I pulled out my father’s letters to me. I bluntly handed them over to her.  She looked at me and then at the letters, hesitantly. She grabbed them both slowly, and as she began to unfold them…  
“I can stay for dinner…” she responded shyly and with a light smirk. I nodded, as a short-lived smile came over my face. It was short-lived because of the anticipation I had of having to explain everything to her upon her finishing the letters. She began to read the first one, and paused around the beginning to look towards me with slight confusion. “Wait, are these letters from your dad?” she asked.  
“Yeahp.” I nodded, over-pronouncing the ‘p’ sound.  
“I thought you said he left you guys before you were even born. I’m confused – so, does that mean he’s back? Like, he got in contact with you guys again?” her eyes shinned positive at the thought. I sighed lightly at how much better that would have been.  
“Keep reading.” I said, as to not wanting to disappoint her myself.  
  
I closely looked at her as she read, trying to gauge her reactions. Mid-read, her hand was slightly brought to her lips in shock, and it stayed there all through-out. The moment she finished, she lowered the letters slowly onto her lap. Her eyes were fixated in front of her, her hand still at her lips in shock – probably still with _some_ confusion.  
“So, yeah... my dad abandoned us to go to war, he died there, my mom was diagnosed with dissociative amnesia, and she attacked me thinking I was dad.” I blurted suddenly.  
“Wait, what?” she did a double take on what she just heard.  
“I know. It’s… crazy. Right?” I laughed as to not cry at recalling how sad the whole situation was.  
“Am…” she said before pausing briefly, and then finally turned her gaze towards me again. “… I’m still so confused.” She scoffed, as she placed the Pokémon book and the letters to the side on the bed, as she then began to turn her body towards me. She placed both hands on one of my thighs as to comfort me. She leaned in closer, concerned. I had then turned my gaze ahead and away from her, as to not break down due to the intimidating eye-to-eye contact…  
  
“My dad… he served in the Golf War from the early 90’s, abandoned me, Jackie and my mom… he died there. My mom, I guess... it was traumatizing for her – losing him, you know? She fell into denial. This whole time she thought that he had just left, not died. When I got home from South Korea -- I get into this mood where I decide I’m going to clean – it’s weird. Like, if I’m super stressed out to the point where not even the Rubik’s Cube could fix, I take it out on cleaning everything. I went into my mom’s room to clean up for her, and that’s where I found my dad’s stuff… and the letters. My mom walked in, I guess she was triggered by his things, and started attacking me thinking I was my dad…”  
  
“… and that’s why she was in the hospital.” She figured, I finally turned towards her and nodded. “Oh my god…” she said under her breath, shocked at realizing everything coming together.  “That’s why it was so hard for you to see your mom again. But… she’s okay now, right?” she asked.  
  
“Yeah…” I nodded, as I turned back to facing forward and as a rushed smile came over me – one of those smiles where you know you just need to make because at least _something_ good happened. One of those, ‘look on the positive side’ smiles. “They brought her back to see if she would get triggered again, and if not… then she could stay. So… from the looks of it, she passed the test.” I pursed in my lips as I continued to nod. I was nodding almost as if it was some nervous tick, something else to -- like I said before, to keep me from breaking down. She sighed in relief, as she moved one of her hands from my thigh and up to my shoulder.  
“I’m so glad she’s okay, Am.” She said.  
“Yeah…” my eyes slowly shifted from forward to downward.  
“That _is_ a lot…” she continued.  
“Yeah…”  
 “ _Fuck_ … Am, I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that… the very moment you got back from… dealing with me…” I could hear it in her voice, the sound of her heart sinking at the thought of me having to deal with so much, and knowing herself that she was part of it. She definitely felt so guilty.  
“Yeah, I mean… my mom’s condition was just a huge shocker, really. Nothing more. I’m glad now that she’s… that she’s doing well, you know? It’s good to know that she’s gonna be okay; and I mean that in the sense of her medical condition. Her having to deal with her own grief of my dad’s death for the very first time? That’s another story.”   
“I can only imagine… having not grieved at all for so long? She has to have _so much_ bottled up. _Geez_ … it must be… horrible. Truly horrible. I mean, seeing you go through that yourself just in the few recent years… it – it can’t be easy on her at all either.” she said.   
“Yeah, well… we have my dad to thank for that, don’t we?” I chuckled briefly but was actually angry all over again just at the thought, as my face went back to its neutral expression.  
“Am… that’s not true.” She disagreed… and _there_ it was: the trigger to my break down.  
“Yes it is! It _is_! Okay? He left us! He abandoned us! He abandoned _me_ …! Just like you did… if he would have stayed with us – stuck with his family… _none_ of this would have ever happened to me or to my mom…” I exploded slightly as I turned towards her, but my tone became less angry and more sad towards the end. How dare she defend him? Her out of _all_ people… _Ugh...!_  She didn’t try to interrupt me, though… she didn’t say a word.  She let me ride out my mini-explosion until she knew I was fully done saying whatever it is that I had to say – whatever remains of pain that I still needed to get off my chest, and as soon as I was about to turn my face away from her again, she gently held a hand against my cheek suddenly – stopping me from turning away. Why wasn’t she upset or hurt at what I said?  “… If he hadn’t left, I’d have a dad.” I softly finished, almost in a whimper. She wasn’t hurt, because I wasn’t trying to hurt her on purpose… and she knew that, it seemed. She knew that I was still just so bruised up by everyone and everything around me, that I was just biting back like a hurt puppy in a corner. Lashing out to get someone’s – _anyone’s_ attention. Lashing out because I needed someone to save me. I needed saving from this pain.  
  
“Amber… sometimes bad things happen and there’s no bigger plan to it. There’s neither rhyme nor reason, and it’s really sad... and there’s no lesson to be learned but pain.” She began speaking, as she then brought her second hand up to my other cheek, holding me tenderly in between her palms. “But there’s also those times where bad things happen and something good _does_ come out of it… you know? Not always, but sometimes… that, had it been any other way, we wouldn’t be here right now.  Your dad didn’t leave you. He was building something for you, but he was planning on coming back. Soyeon? She didn’t leave you either. She was hurting, and she wanted to leave her pain… not you...” her eyes were scanning mine, and we found ourselves in that eye-to-eye contact I wanted to earlier avoid. I could feel the sting in my eyes of tears gathering.  
  
“… and I didn’t leave you… I left _myself_.” She continued. “But I got her back – I got myself back, and she came looking for you again… and I can _assure_ you that you were _never_ the reason I lost sight of myself – of my goal… you’re the reason I got that sight back.” She finished. I felt my lips tremble and twitch at her words. I immediately duck my head and laid it onto her lap, as to avoid her seeing me cry. I faced forward and out into my bedroom with my head on my side. She had wrapped one arm around my upper body, and her other hand was caressing my head – stroking her fingers through the thick strands of my black hair.

Why was it so hard to see it? Why was it so hard to see past my own pain, and to see my dad for the war hero he actually was? – a hero who brought his entire family overseas to America, with no experience, no language; but with a promise of a better life, a heftier paycheck, and citizenship for the entire family if he risked his life in a war that wasn’t his to fight. He _did_ leave us… but as Krystal said… he left us with the promise of coming back. He _did_ walk away, but he so badly wanted to walk right back in through the door of this house, offering us so much more than what we had…

  
_I wonder what dad would have thought if he were here. I wonder if he'd let my life be my own dream. I wonder why he left. I wonder if he loved me._  
  


… and he _did_ love me.  
  
And at that moment, that’s when I knew… Krystal was the only one that could make me feel like I had control over my life again, the only one that could make me see past the pain -- past the _cesspool_ that were our insides, the only one to make me feel my strongest at my weakest… the only one for me.  
  
And _she_ never stopped loving me.  
  
I slowly turn from my side and onto my back, my eyes now -- still tearful – looking up towards her. There was no expression on my face… _yet_. But there was something stirring up inside of me… _something_ that was about to be manifested: this _urgency_ … to consume her. If there was a way to get her under my skin, deep, so deep… then that’s what I wanted. And maybe then, if she was pierced _that_ deep into me… maybe then I’d always be able to see past the pain, maybe I’d always be able to feel _this_ in control, maybe I’d always be able to feel _this_ strong…  
  


["Close" - Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgJFqVvb2Ws)  
_Because if I want you -- and I want you, babe -- ain't going backwards, won't ask for space.  
Cause 'space' was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too... **close**. _

 

Her eyes were calm and collected, because a comfortable silence had posed itself right in between us both, like a freaking butterfly. Our minds were synched.    
  
And so I _knew_ she wanted to consume me, too...  
  
Her lips were slightly parted, as she took one of her hands to slowly wipe away the tears that were still falling from out of my eyes, wiping them before they treaded into the inside of my ears.  As she did this, I reached with my hand to gently stop hers from further movement. And with her hand still in mine, I began to slowly sit up, careful as to not remove my eyes from hers – steadily watching our every move. Our breathing began to slowly heighten… it was deep, but not rushed. I began to then hesitantly guide her hand, which was still in mine, towards my waist and placing it there with a slow pressure. All the while my other hand made its way towards the side of her face, as I slowly closed my forehead in with hers… her eyes grew wide, but not with shock or surprise… with longing. Both our breaths collapsed at that moment, and I could hear the sounds of our breathing _clearly_ and like an echo. I brought now both hands to the side of her face, as I could feel her hands both on my waist, as well…  Her hands slowly began to press against my shirt, making their way up my back and violently wrinkling the cloth as they went. My hands traveled from the side of her face to the back of her neck, and my fingers entangled up into her hair. I pressed and moved my cheeks and then my nose against her cheeks, and then down her neck… inhaling deeply as I went… and then back to her cheeks… I was savoring her scent like a wolf prepping to search for its prey -- prepping for the hunt, and the texture of her hair entangled in between my fingers was sublime… and the scent of her skin – how I _fucking_ missed it. A tear fell from one of her eyes as I felt it moist against my own cheek, and _that_ seemed to be the catalyst for what followed…  
  
Our urgency escaped.  
  
We needed to feel _more_ of each other, as we desperately began to remove each other’s shirts, and as our mouths had now fully opened and we found ourselves breathing through them, gasping for air… gasping for our sanity, for our skins, for our touch.  
  
To _hell_ with reason, to _hell_ with giving myself time, and to _hell_ with… Stupid. _Fucking_. Space.   
  
Our shirts had fallen to the floor, as I suddenly grabbed her by the waist and sat her on top of me.  Her legs immediately wrapped around me, as she quickly began to slide down the straps of her own bra, past her shoulders, and then all the way down to her hips… she then quickly wrapped her arms around my head, as I found myself with my face right in between her breasts… she held me close, so close as if she was holding onto life itself… with barely any gaps between us, because _fuck_ space. And I didn’t even mind, because if I suffocated here, right now, in between her perfect mounds… that would be the _sweetest_ death of all.  
  
We slowed down at this moment… as I took in deep breaths in between her breasts, my fingers slowly glided up and down her back right after unclasping her bra that was still pooling around her hips, and allowing it to fall to the floor. I slowly tilted my head upwards, my lips rolling off of her skin as I then found my chin to now be in between her mounds, and my eyes looking up at her. She looked down at me, as I felt her fingers slowly sink up into my hair… grabbing my strands into her fists as to hold my head still and steady… she continued to look down at me as her lips shivered, and all I could think about were those jolts that happened earlier today at every single touch that occurred between the two of us… those were just jolts. Here and now?  
  
We were both being electrocuted from the inside out.  
  
“Kiss me…” I said in a whisper, my voice trembling and still trying to hang onto its oxygen.  
  
And _that_ she did.  
  
She hesitantly and slowly lowered her lips onto mine, as I felt another tear from her fall right onto my cheek. And though hesitant at first, the moment our lips touched… we sucked each other in like a tornado, and made motions far high and far low like a hurricane, yet our lips remained attached the entire time. Our tongues were both pressuring against the other – it was a religious experience… this kiss.  
  
We both fell onto the bed yet still glued to each other’s skin, and as we lay side by side, our mouths opened without our lips parting, with our only excuse being to gasp for air. Our hands ventured down to each other’s waists to unbuckle our jeans. We both kicked them off of our legs and off the bed, and as we continued to entangle our tongues, we entangled our legs and thighs just the same.    
  
Electrocution, because it was a burst. A burst of electricity, a burst that had accumulated from _months_ of alienation, from months of dullness, from months of missing, from months of pining, from months of waiting, from months of just _pure_ wilting… It was almost a need. No… it _was_ a need. Because up until now, I had felt like I had been dying slowly… up until now, _nothing_ felt right.  _We_ are right. And there were not enough words to explain the relief, not enough letters in the alphabet to explain the _release_ that the _hold_ on each was causing. Our passion was slowing down but not extinguishing, as my lips slowly ventured away from hers to tenderly kiss her nose, her shut eyelids, her eyebrows, her cheekbones… I rained all over her face because each corner was precious; each piece of her was a gem. I felt her smile at my kisses, as I then lowered my head to snuggle it underneath her chin, folding my arms up against her breasts, my ear to her heartbeat – making myself physically vulnerable, just as vulnerable as I felt on the inside -- surrendering myself to her care. Because of her, ‘being vulnerable’ didn’t sound weak to me anymore, and it has _always_ felt like that with her. I felt her kiss the side of my head, as she brought my body in closer and closer to hers. From above, we looked like yin and yang. We shivered, as the only piece of clothing left on us were the underwear. Krystal reached out with one hand as to not disrupt our position, and pulled my covers over us.  
  
_There was something I needed, and now that you’re here… I don’t feel that need anymore._

 

 **To be continued...**  
  
  
**A/N:** I know you were all expecting some make-up sex. MY BAD! MY BAD! Don't worry, guys. Make-up sex is around the corner. I keep my promises! Sex is just too soon for them right now. Amber is too fragile at this moment. What they were both wanting and needing was just this pure and untainted intimacy. It was just them soaking each other in emotionally, but in flesh and blood. An adoration of each other, if you will. Or at least, that's kind of what I was going for. They were basking in everything about each other that they missed, and everything that they had been holding back from. It was enough for them to touch each other so intimately like this after such a long time of not doing so, that sex was not needed at this time. They climaxed in a different way, far beyond sexual. I hope you guys enjoyed it, and that I was able to convey what I was going for. The music video for "Close" that I linked, it pretty much shows a similar experience that Amber and Krystal had in this chapter.   
  
And with that! I leave you guys with a quote that I thought about as I wrote these scenes from one of my favorite books "Prozac Nation" by Elizabeth Wurtzel:

  
_"I understand now how sometimes people want to kill their lovers, eat their lovers, inhale the ashes of their dead lovers.  
It's the only way to possess another person."_

 

**_Kryber is Love_ **


	28. Closer - Part 1

_Closer_  
  
  
  


My eyes slowly open to the sound of early morning birds chirping, and the room is illuminated with that hazy dark light that comes past dawn. I shift my eyes towards my window, and the sky is twilight blue. Did we fall asleep… sleep all night?  
  
 _We_ …  
  
I close my eyes -- shut them tight in an effort to rub them without using my hands. I open them up again, directing them towards my lower shoulder, and I’m met with the top of her head. We must have shifted positions throughout the night. Her arm was draped over my tummy, and one of her legs was entangled around one of mine. I slowly and carefully – as to not wake her – take one of my hands and brush aside the hair that was covering her face, while simultaneously caressing her cheek as I went. And the moment my eyes saw her face again, I could feel my chest set aflame.  
  
What the _hell_ did I do to get this lucky?  
  
I awkwardly lowered my lips to her forehead, and kissed it tenderly. If it’s true – if it’s true what Krystal said about how certain things had to happen in order for us to be right here, where we are right now? That this _insane_ roller coaster ride that has been this whole experience -- this life, _my_ life -- that all of it boiled down to just this moment right here… to this very second: _her_ deeply breathing against my chest, the strands of hair that stick up from the top of her head caressing my chin, her fingers slightly curled up right below my breast, her bare body – her _skin_ against mine under my covers… if it all just boiled down to this?  
  
 _Gawd_ was it worth it…  
  
And I wouldn’t go back to change not a  _single_ fucking thing.  
  
I’m not surprised that my body automatically woke up this early, considering how early we must have fallen asleep. We skipped dinner and everything. I try to carefully remove myself from under her body, looking to go to wash up. I had maneuvered myself out of the bed, just like a ninja, grabbed my shirt off the floor, and was tip toeing across the room aiming towards my bedroom door…  
  
“Babe…” I hear her voice, soft, in a whimper, and slightly muffled. I turn towards the bed again, and I see her… eyes still shut, cuddling up against the sheet, her face half-way sunk into the pillow where my head used to be – she takes a deep breath in, and releases it in a soft moan. “Am…?” she says again, slowly coming to the realization that I’m no longer in bed with her, as she reaches her hand outwards towards the rest of the bed – reaching out in disappointment as she felt nothing. She suddenly opens her eyes, and looks around the bed lazily, but in a slight panic.  
  
“Hey…” I say to her with a chuckle, as to reassure her I was still here. I chuckled because she looked _so_ adorable looking for me. She turned around at my voice, her head slightly tilted forward to see me.  She rubbed one of her eyes with her hand, and then held her glance at me for several seconds. She then throws her head back into the pillow with a pouty whine.  
  
“Why aren’t you in bed?” she complains.  
“I was going to come back. I just have… you know… morning breath and stuff. I just wanted to wash up real quick.”  
“I don’t miiiind…” she whines further, and it was absolutely adorable. How can I not give her what she wants? “Come back… I’m so cold…” she says, as she turns on her side and curls up into a ball, trying to warm herself up with her own skin.  
“You don’t mind? Really?” I smirk mischievously, as I see her exaggeratedly shaking her head to answer my question. “Well… in that case.” I drop my shirt back onto the floor, and crawl on top of the bed and on top of her slowly. She turns on her back again, and looks up at me with a sleepy smile. I smile right back at her, as she takes both hands from under the covers and reaches up to cup both my breasts gently. My breath hitched at my throat at that moment, but I refuse to go back on my already thought out prank… I lean my face into hers, kissing her nose gently as her hands continue to massage my breasts… my hair falling onto her forehead… when suddenly…  
  
“Oh my gawd! _Stupid_!!” she exclaimed, right after I had opened my mouth wide and purposely breathed into her face, nice and hard. “Ohhhh my _gawd_!” her hands immediately leaving my breasts to cover her nose. She tried to immediately turn on her side again, as I kept trying to turn her back towards me to continue breathing into her face.    
  
“Hmm? What? What is it? What happened, princess? I thought you said you didn’t mind.” I said in between my laughter. She moved one of her hands from her nose to nudge my shoulder, as she wiggled underneath me trying to escape. Seeing as how she found herself pretty much trapped, and all of her attempts at trying to turn away kept failing – since I kept putting her back in place -- she retaliated, and oh man… I _totally_ regret it.  
  
“ _Oh_! The princess doesn’t mind! Do you mind? Does the servant mind?” she said playfully and now laughing herself, as she began breathing into my face to counter my breath.  
  
“Oh my gosh! No! Please! Stop!” I dropped to the side of her on the bed as to escape her breath, my tummy hurting slightly from laughter. She sighed in relief the moment I got off of her. We both caught up in our breathing, but busted out laughing again.  
  
“Your breath… smells _so_ bad.” She said, as she nudged my shoulder again.  
“Ow! Speak for yourself, loser!” I replied, as I scooted closer towards her, the side of our heads now touching.  
“I really don’t mind; though… just… keep it in your mouth.” She laughed slightly.  
“It’s not _that_ bad.” I defended myself, laughing slightly at her comment.    
“Oh yeah. It’s bad.” She said, as I then poked her sides.  
“Oh whatever, you’d still kiss me.”  
“I would.” She said with a smile, as she turned her head towards me. I turned towards her, as well… leaning in to peck her lips and then her nose. I held my stare into hers for a moment, smiling even further. We then both turned our heads back, facing the ceiling again.  
  


["Loud Noises" - Yuna](https://youtu.be/XoUvVa7_vF8)   
_And whenever you're about to fall apart, sing the songs we used to play.  
And whenever you want to fix your heart, remember us, and these loud noises. _

  
“So… last night.” I said while releasing an airy chuckle.  
“Yeah…” An airy chuckle escaped from her lips, as well. Suddenly, I felt myself falling through floor after floor after floor of memories; falling through floor after floor of each event – both beautiful and miserable – falling through them like a one way trip down into the past, until I found myself sitting on that plane on my way to South Korea; until I found myself feeling exactly how I felt the very first time I ever opened up to her: my head was thrown back, just like now, but against the seat of the plane; I was facing upwards, just like now,  and…  
  


_“What are you so afraid of?” she asked, as she awkwardly removed herself from my embrace and back into her seat…_

_… I threw my head back again in my seat, looking upwards. Thinking about what she asked me. Trying to avoid it._  
"I'm not the type to talk about my feelings much, ya' know?" I finally said.  
"Huh?"  
"You asked me, 'what are you so afraid of?' and I'm answering." I said, with a constant shy smile on my face.  
"Oh wow. Amber is answering my questions. It's a miracle." she said, teasing me. I turned my head towards her, still with my shy smile.  
"I'm trying. Shhh." I said. She giggled lightly.  
"Okay, okay. Sorry... continue." she said.  
"Thank you." I said, as I turned my head back, looking upwards again. "So, yeah... It just makes me feel awkward... to feel too much. It's uncomfortable. Like... I just... I don't know."  I tripped over my words. Just the mere thought of talking about it puts my stomach in knots. I've never really talked about it to anyone... openly. Why should I start now?  
  


Except this time, the feeling that I’m going to open up about isn’t miserable.    
  
It’s beautiful.  
  
“Remember the song you accidentally listened to that day on my playlist?” I asked her, not removing my gaze from the ceiling, neither did she.  
“The one you plead the fifth about not writing?” she smirked.  
“Yeah… that one.” I chuckled, seeing her smirk from the corner of my eye.  
“Yeah. I remember. I told you that you should show it to our manager.” She responded.  
“Well… I never got a chance to. Pretty soon after I was done working on it… that’s when everything between us happened... you know.” my voice got a bit gloomy towards the end. I paused and then scoffed. “It was originally a song about us falling in love; and then I actually rewrote it into this sad, sad song…” her smirk had slowly turned into a pensive frown. “… And two days ago, right when you showed up at my door -- at that very moment, I was getting ready to head out and pass out some of the demos of the songs to some of the local record labels. I was getting ready to start something here… you know? I was looking forward to moving on, and never looking back or _going_ back at all… ever.” I paused briefly, as a smile slowly drew itself over my face. “But now… I wanna go back.”  
“When…?” she asks, a light frown still drawn over her face.  
“As soon as I can, as soon as _we_ can… as soon as you’re leaving.” I responded quickly, almost with urgency. I can’t deny anymore the effect that she has on me… I am unfortunately and fortunately vulnerable around her, no matter what I do, I always end up opening myself up to her -- turning each and every page of my book wide open for her to see… and in return, I’d always get the sweetest interpretation of myself from her.  
“I never really got a return flight…” she said softly, as she then turned her head towards me. “… I was planning on staying here for as long as it took me to get you back.” I turn to face her, as well…  
“Why do you look sad as you’re saying that?” I scoffed lightly, still holding my smile. I was confused. I didn’t understand. I’m basically telling her that I want her back… that she’s getting me back – _I’m_ getting her back… So, why the long face?  
“Every time I’m reminded of what I did… and how it made you feel, and the things that it made you do… _say_ \-- I’m sorry, I just… I can’t help but feel like – I feel like I don’t deserve you, or like I deserve to be punished further, or…” she choked up a bit as she spoke, as I reached one of my hands towards hers, lifted it up slowly above us, and began to caress it tenderly.  
“You know, you told me once that you could see the stars in my hand.” I interrupted her suddenly.  
“What…?” she said with a scoff, taken aback at my apparent and sudden change in topic.  
“Yeah, you were sleep drunk.” I chuckled. “ _Gosh_ , you talk so much nonsense when you’re sleepy. It’s adorable.”  
“The _stars_ in your _hand_?” she emphasized, as to make sure she heard right.  
“Yeahp.” I laughed lightly, as I continued to tenderly caress her hand above us with mine. “And you held my hand right here where I’m holding yours, and you said that you could see the stars _right_ _here_ …” I pressed my thumb tenderly into her palm. “… in my hand.”  
“The poet in me would not say ‘I could see the stars in your hand’. I’d say ‘your hands are the stars…’ you know… with every touch you light me up – type thing.” She said adorably, as she brought my hand down together with hers, and pressed my hand tenderly against one of her cheeks. I blushed, and smiled bashfully.    
“You’re such a corny loser.”  I chuckled shyly. “You definitely said ‘stars in my hand.’ But anyway, a few weeks ago, I took my butt over to the beach one night to do the whole ‘drink away your feelings’, or whatever people do when they drink while being sad.” I scoffed. “And I was so drunk that I tried to look for the stars… in my hand, the ones you mentioned you saw that one time. There was nothing there, obviously… I mean, in theory…” I continued, as I began to look upwards towards the ceiling again. “And… the reason I was there drinking like an idiot… it wasn’t because of you, Krys…” I wanted to reassure her, reassure her that she had nothing to feel guilty about, that she had done nothing that she needed to be punished for. “I was there after finding out about my dad… well, it was sort of an accumulation of everything that had happened up until that point, but it was mostly anger about my dad. Because losing you… it didn’t really cause me anger. Losing you… it caused me to feel lost. I mean, whatever anger you witnessed that I gave you was mostly caused at the thought of _seeing_ you, and _wanting_ you, and not being able to _have_ you… like a kid having a tantrum over not being given candy or something. But feeling lost was the biggest and strongest feeling I had at the thought of you not loving me anymore – at the thought that I had lost you.  When I left So. K… I was numb, a shell, I was out of my body, I was confused... _lost_. That was the feeling I had after knowing that it was completely over between us, not anger. And then coming home and dealing with – with _everything_ that greeted me at the door… I guess you can only imagine that that feeling of being lost just intensified, and then it mixed itself with the anger from what I found out about my parents. When I found out about my mom, my dad – when I was out there drunk looking into my hand for those stars… I was looking for guidance; I was looking to not be lost anymore. I was looking for you, Krystal.” I felt her stare on me intensely, listening attentively, as my eyes still faced the ceiling… turning each and every page for her of everything inside of me. “But when you love – when I _know_ you love me… I don’t ever want to be without this feeling that you give me, ever again. I mean… there’s this _clarity_ with you. When you love me, _everything_ is clear. Everything is okay. Everything makes _sense_ … Krys.” I lift up my hand above us once again.  “And I can actually see the stars in my hand this time.” I say to her, as I turn to face her. She grabs my hand once more to bring it back down, but placing it under her chin this time and tenderly caressing it against her skin.  
“See…?” she said softly, now with an evident but soft smile over her lips. “How could I think about leaving here until I knew I could take you back with me?” I return the smile, now fully satisfied that I was able to finally reassure her… now fully satisfied that we both knew where we stood in regards to each other, in regards to our feelings… and finally turning to the final page where we both stood on together.  
  
I move in closer, opening my arms for her to cuddle into. She turns around to become my little spoon, as I feel my breasts press against her bare back. I encircle my arms around her slim waist, as I rest my lips over her shoulder, and I fold my knees into the back of hers.  
  
“Last night, when I pulled you in close, and I asked you to kiss me… why were you crying? Was it because you still felt guilty?” I asked, out of curiosity, as I placed a tender kiss over her shoulder.  
“No… at that time, I was actually happy. I was moved… _shocked_ … by how much you loved me.” She responded. I smiled against her shoulder. “I was crying out of happiness.” She finished.  
“I think Soyeon is looking down on me, and crying out of happiness, too…”  
“Why?”  
“Because she sees that I’m happy, too…” I responded.  
“You’re happy?” she asked.  
“Of course I’m happy. I thought I cleared that up pretty well just a second ago, princess.” I chuckled softly.  
“What’s making you happy?” she continued to pry, adorably.  
“It makes me happy that we make each other happy.” I explained.  
“I make you happy?”  
“You make me _very_ happy.” I assured.  
“I think we’ve said ‘happy’ way too many times.” she said in a soft giggle.    
“We can never say ‘happy’ way too many times.” I feel her tummy rumble against my hands that were folded over it. She giggles further after hearing her own hunger. “You know…” I chuckled. “… we should probably get up now. I’m hungry as hell since we skipped dinner last night, and well… you’re clearly hella hungry, too.” I poked her tummy with my fingers.  
“Shut up, stupid.” She laughed lightly, embarrassed at the sound her tummy made.    
  
But we didn’t get out of bed. We continued to cuddle, and we talked in between short bursts of hours and then short bursts of comfortable silence. She kept reeling me back into the idea of just staying in bed and never getting up. Apparently, this is how she usually would spend her days off when she’s not doing things with me: in bed all day. I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to be lazy like this, to be lazy like her – be Krystal for a day. I never imagined I’d be trying it out _together_ with her _while_ being half naked. So, I’d say this is a win-win.  
  
“So, I’ll ask again. Do you want to stay over for dinner? I mean, breakfast… I mean, lunch?” I chuckled, as I made the mistake on purpose, trying to emphasize on how we had been in bed for so long.  
“What are you going to feed me?” she asked after chuckling at my joke, and as we both began to get dressed up.  
“I don’t know. We could just walk into the kitchen and see what we have. I warn you, though. I’m _terrible_ at cooking. So, not responsible for any possible food poisoning that may or may not happen.”  
“Am, if you can solve a rubki’s cube, I’m sure you can cook something that’s at least edible. Do you have a spare toothbrush, by the way?”  
“That’s a good point, and _yes_ I do. Come on, I’ll show you to the bathroom.” I said, as we began to _finally_ walk out of bedroom. Though, as we passed by the exit of the hallway, I could hear clattering coming from the kitchen. If Jackie already started making lunch, then I think we may just be saved. I guided Krystal over to our guest bathroom, handing her over the extra toothbrush, and then made my way over towards my bathroom to wash up, too.  
  
As I splashed my face with water one last time, the smell from the kitchen suddenly hit me. “Is that koe-á-bah?” I said to myself under my breath, as I lightly pressed my towel over my face. _Damn_ , the smell – it’s so good. And suddenly, I began recalling that Sunday afternoon. Isn’t it funny how just with one sniff your brain can literally teleport you back to that moment in time? I had made my way back from the auditions, and mom cooked this _exact_ same dish. The smell of it is so strong, too; I remember smelling it all the way from the garage as I was parking my CR-Z.  Jackie had stayed back at the beach with Esteban and her friends, and it was just mom and I sitting at the table. She jokingly asked me when I was going to bring a nice Adventist boy over for one of our Sunday lunches, and never even bothered to ask me about my auditions.  
  
We fought…  
  
Only mom knows how to make that dish…  
  
I made my way over to the kitchen… It _was_ mom. She was making lunch. I blinked a few times as I stood there watching her, just to be sure it was _definitely_ her and not just me without my contacts. I suppose the medication and the good night sleep really did her good. Though, I really wasn’t expecting her to be out and about cooking us lunch on Sunday.  I mean, this _is_ her usual routine… So, it’s good that she’s back into it, right?  
  
“Mah?” I finally spoke to get her attention. She turned towards me suddenly, placing the giant wooden spoon she was holding back onto the kitchen counter. She smiled as she took a deep breath in, released it. I smiled back. The vision of her cooking on a Sunday afternoon, humming to herself her usual tune, her beautiful smile… it made everything feel like it was back to normal again… _finally_.  
  
“Is this Krystal?” my mom asked. Wait, what? Krystal? I left her in the guest bathroom, she’s not…  
“Oh, umm…” I stutter nervously and begin to internally panic, as I turn to my side to see Krystal standing beside me. I was so caught up in the sight of my mom cooking, that I didn’t even freaking notice that Krystal had walked up next to me.  Krystal and my mom meeting in the kitchen like this? Not planned. For whatever reason, I thought my mom would just be in her room all day. Isn’t that what people are supposed to do after feeling like crap? Get alone time? Not feel like seeing people for a while? But hey, what the hell do I know, though? Right? I’ve never been to a mental hospital. How am I supposed to know what that’s like, or how people act or don’t act after coming back from it? Technically, her alone time _was_ the mental hospital. So, I’m very _fucking_ wrong here. I calculated all of this just _very_ wrong. Not that I wasn’t planning on eventually talking to my mom about Krystal, just… _not_ on the same day that Krystal spent the night with me half naked in my bed. Not like this. I hadn’t planned on both Krystal and my mom coming to the house at about the same time, you know?  What do I say? So, mom… my very _Christian_ , _grieving_ , and _vulnerable_ mom… this is Krystal. Yeah, the Krystal that I confessed to being in love with on my debut stage that you went to. What is she doing here? Good question. I fell madly in love with her, she broke my heart so I escaped back home, she came to get me back, and we just woke up from making out and cuddling in bed all day. Oh, and can she stay over for lunch?  
  
Yeah… what the _hell_ do I say?   
  
  
 **To be continued...**

 

A/N:   
  
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, I'll comment on it either way. The song also pretty much reflects this chapter, how Krystal is basically something that Amber can always fall back into whenever she's falling apart herself. Amber was never really angry at Krystal per-se, just angry at everything that was happening around her, and it mixed in with her feelings of being lost after her and Krystal broke up. So, of course she took it out on her, as well as on Jackie. When she got close to Krystal when they met, for the very first time in forever, Amber actually was able to get clarity on a lot of feelings she had, on a lot of pain that she had been trying to deal with. Krystal was a beacon for Amber, and Amber had never felt that open with anyone ever before. After losing Krystal, it's like she shut down all over again, and then being faced with everything that happened with her family right after... well, she really needed Krystal, especially at that moment -- just as Jackie said -- during these times is when you'd need each other the most. When getting her back while going through this difficult time, again Krystal was able to give Amber that clarity, this time with the feelings she was currently dealing with in regards to her mother and father, just as she had done before with other issues and pain that Amber had been facing. Amber is such a closed up person when it comes to her feelings, she realizes that no one else is going to be able to have this effect on her. She could only feel this way with Krystal. Nothing else made any sense if they weren't together. This is the epiphany Amber had.   
  
And here is a little bonus paragraph that I actually meant to place into this chapter, but it didn't go with the flow. So, I left it out. It was supposed to be a short monologue of Amber waking up with Krystal towards the beginning of the chapter:   
  
 _We were intertwined like a freaking pretzel, and at that moment I knew that the only thing that I would miss from being away from her was: missing. Missing her is the only thing I was going to miss... because when you miss someone, it's bittersweet. Being here with her like this, it's full on sweetness pumped up to the very max level. It's sickeningly sweet, and I like it -- I **love** it. _

So, yeah. That's that. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Will be updating again in about a week or two. I'm sure you're all excited about the Mother Liu and Krystal encounter. It's 6AM right now, and I'm dead tired. I might have missed some typos, may add something here and there when I'm more lucid. LOL I always do this. I am so sorry. But, I re-read it many times. I think it's good. I think. xD 

  
:] What do you guys think? Questions? Comments?   
  
  
 **P.S.** Currently working on a comical/smut kryber one shot. I have a short draft made already. Krystal, after much persistence, convinces Amber for them to experiment with a strap-on dildo (LOL!!!). So, look forward to that soon. Remember, this is for the one shot series that is based on **this** story, where I will be writing on specific moments between kryber that were not included in this story, and outside of the chronological order. If you haven't checked it out, please do! Link below.   
  
[One Shot Wonders ](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1150420/one-shot-wonders-kryber-fxkrystal-fxamber)

  
**Kryber is Love**

 

P.S. 2.0

Lmfao a lot of people asking me about the smut. It's in this chapter, but it's in part 2 of the chapter. I go into writing the chapters knowing already what's going to happen, but sometimes some scenes take longer than what I thought they'd take. Lolololol ummm I'm sorry? *hides*. 


	29. Closer - Part 2

After noticing Krystal standing next to me, I turn to look back at my mom. I opened my mouth to attempt to say something so I didn’t look so suspicious, but my brain didn’t quite catch up to the plan. I stood there -- mouth open and mute. I still had _nothing_ to say. I glanced back at Krystal to see if maybe she had come up with something herself, but she looked just as stumped as I did. After slightly smiling and bowing, she had pursed in her lips and returned my gaze with furrowed brows of worry. We then both quickly glanced back at my mom at the same time with a hasty smile. “Umm, yeah. This is… uhh, Krystal. You _remember_ Krystal, mom?” Of course she clearly remembers her, and I mean… how could she not? I had her dangling from my back on our debut stage, and loudly declared how in love I was with her. _Kinda_ hard to forget. Not to mention, I did formally introduce them through a Skype call way before the debut. So, of course I knew she remembered her, but… I wanted to delay the conversation until I could come up with a reasonable explanation for her being here. Right now. In our house.  
“Of _course_ I remember Krystal. I never forget a face. She’s your member, right? The one you introduced me to, who’s from San Francisco?” My mom reassured her memory to us, as she began to walk in our direction.  
“Uhh, yeah. _That’s_ the one.” I chuckled nervously. I gulped, but then I saw a soft smile draw over my mother’s face, and then suddenly saw Krystal being embraced in a gentle and quick hug. Krystal kept her arms to her sides, as she was completely taken off guard by the hug. She had no idea what to do with it.  
“It’s _so_ nice to finally meet you in person, Krystal.” My mom said warmly, as she then stepped back and placed her hands on Krystal’s shoulders as to take a better look at her. Krystal’s face was priceless. She was just as shocked as I was, but hid it well with a twitch of a smile.  
“It’s so nice to finally meet you too, Mrs. Liu.” Krystal responded shyly. What is this? Am I on Punk’d or something? Or is my mom being civil just because she’s in front of Krystal? My mom then turned towards me, and while leaving one hand on Krystal’s shoulder, she placed the other hand on my cheek cupping it tenderly. Her smile increased at my sight, as she also then pulled me into an embrace. She held me for much, _much_ longer. My arms were initially to my sides, but I then slowly wrapped them around her. I wasn’t quite sure if this was my mom’s way of secretly giving Krystal and me her blessing, or just her completely pretending like nothing ever happened – pretending as if she never walked away from my debut stage in disappointment to begin with. I held a confused expression on my face until the moment my mother spoke again.  
“I’m making your favorite.” Mom said softly. I suddenly couldn’t help but show a goofy smile on my face.  
“Maahh…” I said with an embarrassed chuckle, as she leaned away and began walking back towards the kitchen.  
“Oh dear, I need to get to stirring this.” My mom said, as she picked up her wooden spoon again to attend to the stove. Krystal turned to me and smiled warmly after admiring the mother-daughter moment I just had.  “Amber, did you already invite Krystal over for lunch?” my mom asked.  
“Umm, yeah. I did.” I responded, as I directed Krystal towards the already set dining table. I pulled out a seat for her first, and then one for myself to sit right next to her.  
“Oh, perfect! I made _just_ enough for everyone then.” Mom said. “Your sister and Esteban should be here soon, too. I figured he would just eat a lot, being that he’s a young man.” My mom explained, as she chuckled.  
“I’d put money down that Krystal would probably eat more than _any_ guy.” I pointed at Krystal teasingly, as she silently and jokingly glared at me with gritted teeth.    
“Krystal, is this true?” My mom asked with a jokingly shocked tone as she turned briefly to look back at us over her shoulder. “You look so in shape! I can’t possibly take what Amber is saying as true.”  
“You can’t. She’s lying.” Krystal said soft spoken, still too shy around my mom to speak up further. We all laughed lightly, as we then heard the front door open.  
“By the way, Krystal… when did you get here?” And there it was. The question. She invited us into an apparently safe little room – she even walked in with us to reassure us of how safe the room was, and then dropped the bomb and ran for it, leaving us behind.  
“She just got in today. Hey, mom!” Jackie chimed in right on time. Guess she _did_ save our asses after all; not with cooking us food, but still an amazing save nonetheless.    
“Yeah, what Jackie said.” I agreed nervously, as Jackie had walked into the dining room, with Esteban holding onto her hand from behind. She immediately saw and felt the atmosphere in the room, and knew right away what was going on – or _about_ to go on.  
“Yes. I just flew in today.” Krystal asserted.  
“Amber told her what had been going on, and she just wanted to come and cheer her up, show some support.” Jackie elaborated. We all nodded, as Jackie walked over towards the kitchen to give mom a hug.  
“That is _so_ nice of you, Krystal. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for Amber, _really_ … – here _and_ in Korea.  I really do. She’s always telling me about how you’ve been teaching her Korean, taking her shopping – and thank _God_ for that one, too – we all know Amber needed some shopping advice.” My mom ended her comment teasingly.  
“Mah…” I scoffed together with an embarrassed chuckle. Mom hugged Jackie in return, and then turned towards Esteban to hug him, too. “And you, Esteban. _Thank you_ for taking care of my girls.”  
“Aw not a problem, Mrs. L. Don’t worry about it.” Esteban bashfully responded, as him and Jackie began to sit at the dining table, as well.  
“No, no… I really – I _really_ mean it.” Mom insisted, as she began to bring the food to the table and the additional plate for Krystal.  “I feel _so_ lucky to call myself the mother of these two amazing women, and so lucky that they were able to find amazing people to take care of them when I couldn’t.”  
“Mah…” Jackie and I both bashfully said at the same time.  Krystal and Esteban both just smiled at each of us, enjoying the heartwarming yet embarrassing moment for us, the Liu kids.  
“No, _no_ … let me finish.” Mom continued, as she made another trip from the stovetop to the table with the final pots in hand.  She began to sit down, all of us now sitting perfectly around the table. She sat right in between Jackie and I. “And not only do I _finally_ have a nice Adventist boy over for Sunday lunch… I was also brought home a _girl_.” Mom turned towards me at the end of her sentence, and winked at me from the corner of her eye. I blushed, while everyone else awkwardly chuckled to go along with her apparent joke. Okay… was that her signal to let me know that _she_ knows that Krystal and I are dating? And that she’s _okay_ with it? “Today… is a good day. Let’s say grace.” She continued, as we all held hands around the table, closed our eyes, and my mom lead the prayer. “Heavenly father…” she began. “We thank you for…” and she went on to naming the usual: waking up every morning and being alive, being surrounded by people who love us and that we love, the food on our table, and… “Thank you, Jesus. In your name we pray, Amen…” she finished, and we all said ‘amen’ right after her, but then she leaned towards me discreetly and she took my hand in hers. “… and thank you… for allowing Amber to be herself.” She whispered into my ear, squeezing my hand lovingly and then leaning back into her seat. I turned towards her, pleasantly surprised and I swallowed as to hold back tears. Tears of happiness, of course. Tears of relief. Tears of it-couldn’t-have-been-done-more-perfectly.  
  
Yeah, those kind of tears.

  


  
For a moment, I really thought I was getting Punk’d, and that Ashton Kutcher was about to jump out of some random corner and yell ‘haha! Your mom isn’t going to accept you, silly! Get real!’ you know? It was surreal, and the good kind. I think it’s safe to say that it was probably the best lunch I’ve had in my life, and I’ll even go as far as to say that even _that_ is an understatement. We talked about how both Jackie and Esteban were doing with their college classes, how my ‘ankle’ was feeling, and how I was planning on returning back to South Korea to my normal schedule together with Soojung... soon. Krystal got less and less shy towards the end of the lunch, as it was her turn to be asked by my mom about her recent activities. She gave us more details about the reality show her and the rest of the members had just finished filming, filling us in on all of the places they went to, and what they did in each city. I, again, felt like an idiot for missing that; my mom consoled me on my ‘injury’, feeling bad that I had gotten hurt right around such an exciting time and encouraging me to get on going so I wouldn’t miss anything further. We then all stood up and helped take the dishes to the sink, and clean up the table. Krystal and I volunteered to do the dishes, as Jackie and Esteban went along into the living room leaving us in the kitchen with mom.  
  
“Amber, I really don’t mind doing these myself.” My mom insisted, referring to washing the dishes.  
“Please, Mrs. Liu. Your food was amazing, and adding me on such a short notice -- the least I can do is force Amber to clean up with me.” Krystal joked.  
“Hey, this was _your_ idea, but I totally agreed right away.” I defended myself jokingly. My mom smiled, placed a hand behind my head, and brushed away my bangs with her other hand to kiss my forehead.  
“Well, okay then. I should just back off then.” My mom said jokingly and soft spoken.  
“Mahh…” I muttered, feeling embarrassed again in front of Krystal. I could hear Krystal softly giggle in the background at the sight of my mom pampering me again. My mom began to walk away from the kitchen, letting us know that she would be reading and resting in her room.  The moment my mom exited the kitchen, I gathered water in between my palms and squirted it from my fists near Krystal’s face… as I would usually do.  She gasped as a reflex and then hit my shoulder… as she would usually do. We both laughed lightly as we began to attend to the dishes.  
“Thanks for having me over for lunch, by the way.” Krystal spoke.  
“Yeah, well… thanks for coming back for me. See it as one of the many food rewards to come.”  
“… And thanks for the bed, the cuddles, the toothbrush…” she continued, “… I should really get back to the hotel, though -- _actually_ shower and put on a new set of clothes.” She chuckled.  
“I could drive you.” I immediately suggested, as I turned towards her. “That way you don’t have to keep calling a cab. Plus, we could chill there while we look into plane tickets.”  
“Your whole family is here, Am… you should spend time with them, stupid.” She objected, as she took her foam filled finger and used it to jokingly turn my face away, spreading foam all over my cheek. I scoffed lightly and then smiled.  
“It’s not like I won’t be back. They’re gonna be here all Sunday, and my mom is gonna be home for a while before going back to work. It’s not like we’ll be leaving to South Korea right away. Let me take you, please?” I begged, as I scooted towards her to rub my foamy cheek against hers. She shoved me teasingly with her shoulder, and then turned towards me with a blush while holding back a smile. I gave her a wide and dorky grin.  
“I love you.” She said, as she released the smile she had been holding back. Her face was soft and glowing – she was breathtaking, even with her foamy cheek. I pursed in my lips and squinted my eyes as I knew I was about to say something that would annoy her.  
“I know… I love me, too.” I released a chuckle at my own joke, as she shoved my shoulder with hers again, and we both looked back down towards the dishes.  
“Stupid.” She muttered under her breath as she held back a smirk “ _Okay_. Yes, you can take me.” She couldn’t help but find me overly charming; no matter how much I annoyed her.  
“What was that? I couldn’t hear you. Can you say that… just a little bit louder?” I continued to tease.  
“I’m going to bite you.”  
  
We had just finished cleaning up the dishes, and that’s when I told Krystal to go ahead and gather up whatever things she had in my room and to then meet me in our garage. In the meantime, I would go let my mom know that I’d be giving her a ride to her hotel. Krystal cheerfully agreed, as we split ways in the hallway. She went towards my room, and I made my way towards my mom’s room. I knocked lightly before turning the knob.  
“Hey, mom. I’m gonna give Krystal a ride to her hotel, and we might just hang out there for a while. I just wanted to give you the heads up in case there was something you needed or…” I spoke, trying to be attentive.  She was sitting with her back against the headboard, a pillow comfily in between, and one of her many theology books in hand.  
“No, honey. You can go ahead.” She said with a smile, not removing her eyes from her book. I looked around the room briefly and instinctively, noticing the luggage still in the same place, opened up still the same. Was she trying to surround herself with the truth about dad’s death constantly? Maybe trying to sorta not forget again? Still… with the luggage wide open, she seemed okay. She seemed relaxed. She seemed content. Probably the medication doing its thing, but regardless of why or what…  Suddenly, a question that had been drilling me in the back of my head, couldn’t help itself but blurt out right as I was about to turn away towards the door.  
“Why did dad call me ‘kicker’?” The atmosphere seemed inviting and safe enough to mention dad to her for the first time in such a straight-forward kind of way. She heard the question, and her demeanor slightly changed to a bit taken off guard. Her eyes became slightly wide, as she lowered the book face open and onto her lap. At that moment, I nearly almost regretted asking… She turned towards me, taking a dissimulated deep breath… her eyes were filled with pain but it was – it was different this time; Her eyes had pain, but were soft all at once… and then a smile peaked at the corner of her lips.  
“Because you kicked. A lot.” She laughed lightly at the memory. I smiled in relief.  
“Like, when I was still in your tummy?”  
“Yes, and much after. You _rarely_ ever used your hands, even if it was to just push away the broccoli I kept trying to feed you…”  she chuckled, turning her gaze towards the ceiling to relive the memory  “…you’d use your _cute_ little feet to kick it away. That’s why I put you in taekwondo classes, and well… your trophies speak for their selves. You were a great kicker.” She chuckled and then looked back towards me with warmth “You _are_ a great kicker.” I smiled; it was small but slowly became wide.  
“I love you, mom.”  
“I love you, too kicker.”  
“I’ll see you tonight.” I chuckled at her using the nickname just as dad did.    
“Don’t stop kicking…” she said as I walked out the door. “… And don't feel pressured! Enjoy your time, don’t worry about me!” I heard her tease me as I was making my way out the hallway.  
  
“And where are _you_ going?” Jackie asked, as she saw me passing by her and Esteban cuddled up in the living room.  
“To your _face_.” I said in the most serious tone, as I began walking out the front door.  
“You’re a butt-face? What?”  
“I’m giving Krystal a ride to her hotel.” I finally chuckled turning towards her, as I held the door open with one foot in and one out. “Why?” I asked.   
“No reason, just now I know why you walked out all smug.” She teased.  
“Not what you’re thinking _at all_ …” I laughed, as I finished walking out the door. I’m sure Jackie had her mind in the gutter, but my smug expression was because -- I was actually just pretty happy about my little short convo with mom. We were finally at the place where I had dreamed of being for so long with her. Something worth being smug about, I thought. Heh.    
  
I walked into the garage to come face to face with a piece of my past.  Slowly sliding my fingertips along the very smooth surface of the CR-Z, pensively gazing at it… sizing it down…  “We meet again…” I said under my breath. I wanted to turn it on to get it warmed up before we headed out.  
“Who are you talking to?” Krystal asked, as she walked into the garage chuckling at the mere idea of what possible dorky thing I was up to now.  
“Oh, hey.” I scoffed shyly, as I suddenly and quickly turned my gaze to her voice. “I was just… talking to the car?” I laughed lightly at myself the moment I heard what that sounded like out loud.    
“ _Ah_.” She said, in a teasing realization.   
“Hush your face. Are you ready to head out?” I smiled bashfully and a bit embarrassed at her reaction to what I was doing.  
“… yeah. I’m ready.” She said with a smirk, as she adorably held her skateboard horizontally against her back.  
“It’s umm… it’s the car Soyeon and I got together. It was another color when we bought it – I can’t even remember which one. We painted it this… her favorite color.” I explained.  She walked towards me comfortingly, standing by my side as we both gazed at the model together. “This is gonna be the first time I have an excuse to ride it since I got home. Jackie and I had been using mom’s car.”  
“Were you avoiding it?” She asked. I took a deep breath in.  
“I dunno…” I said pensively as I released my breath. “I don’t think so. It just never occurred to me to ride it until now.” I turned to her with a smile. “Maybe I just think you’ll look gorgeous in it.” She looked at me from the corner of her eye, and smirked shyly.  
“I think I’m more of an SUV kind of girl.”  
“SUV? Really?” I chuckled lightly.  
“Yes.” She said firmly but playfully. “In red.”  
“A red SUV. Noted. Well, today you’re gonna be a cerulean CR-Z kind of girl. So, get your cute little butt inside.” I playfully said, as I opened the door for her. I then went around, got in and started the car.  
“Do you really think my butt is cute?” she asked, as we were now both sitting inside the car.  
“It’s cute.” I confirmed with a smirk, as I began pulling out of the garage.   
“Should we ask the car? It talks back, right?” She teased me.  
“Hey, there is nothing shameful in talking to inanimate objects.” I defended myself jokingly.  
  


 _You look as good as the day I met you. I forget just why I left you. I was insane._  
Stay and play that Blink 182 song...   
["Closer" - The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_ppsAcbZDo)  
  


“So, where is this hotel you’ve been staying at?” I asked, as we pulled into the highway.  
“Marina del Rey? It’s on Bali Way.” She responded, as she began to mess with the radio.  
“Near the _waterfront_. Good memories near the waterfront, princess?” I teased her, referring to her ‘first time’.  
“ _Completely_ coincidental.” She said, as she finally picked a station and began to weirdly snap her fingers near my face.

“That time of the day where you act weird?” I teased her, as she giggled shyly and retracted herself from snapping her fingers to nudge on my shoulder lightly.  
“At least I don’t talk to cars.” She said. I chuckled, and then casually placed a hand on her thigh as if it was a habit, or something that just came naturally to me. I took the exit to the waterfront and began to lower the windows. I raised the volume on the radio, as the loud sound of the wind invaded the car. She took my hand from her thigh and into one of her hands… planting a tender kiss on the center of my palm… just as Soyeon used to do while riding in _this_ same car. I slowly turned to look at her with a drunken smile, but she playfully pressed a hand to my cheek turning my face back towards the road.  A clumsy chuckle escaped my lips, and I thought… could it possibly feel this good because the worst is yet to come?  
  


_It’s ‘cause it felt too good… Is that why it had to happen? Is that why you had to go?_   
  


But I realize that, with Soyeon, we hid it all… pretending the bad wasn’t there.  
  
Until it _killed_ her.  
  
“Do you know how to ride the wind?” I asked her.  
“Ride the wind?”  
“Yeah, like with your hand. Stick it out the window, like this.” I moved my hand from her thigh and back on the steering wheel, extending my other hand out the window to show her – up and down, up and down… just like flipper.  
“Oh, like a wave.” She realized, and began to imitate me. She giggled at the feeling of the wind flowing over and below her hand.

Krystal and I? We’ve already passed through the worst. This time and from here on out, I could only look forward to it getting better and not ever worry about it getting worse ever again...

… because the worst was already over.  
  
“Feels nice, right?” I grinned widely at her, as she nodded with a shy smile. She thought I was talking about the feeling of the wind… but what I was really talking about...  
  
… this feeling that we had given each other.  
  
The feeling that she had given _me_ : the butterflies, the smirks, her eyes, _the high_. 

  
  
  
**To be continued...**  
  
  
A/N:  
  
First of all, I just want to say I AM SORRY that this chapter did not include the make-up sex scene. I've been going through some stuff at home, and had not had the chance to complete it. I've had this chapter written up until here for like a week now. But I kept holding back from posting it because I wanted to extend it to include the make-up sex scene for you guys. Hopefully I can get a chapter out by this next weekend for you guys. One of my betas reviewed my draft and advised me to just post it as is, that you guys could wait for the make-up sex scene a little longer. They said the chapter felt complete like this. So... BLAME THEM! Again... sorry! OTL   
  
Please comment and let me know what you all think! I love your feedback and it really motivates me! ^-^   
  
*hides away*

 

**Kryber is Love**


	30. View

_View_  


_The sky is beautifully spread; In the ocean, time is in a bottle._  
Whatever it is that you imagine, I will show you everything.   
["View" - Shinee](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-WqVz2ZDik)

 

Marina del Rey is a pretty fancy ass hotel here in L.A. Too fancy and probably too expensive per night for our company to waste on a rookie group. It was clear that Krystal picked this hotel soon after everyone had left, and that her dad was probably paying for it – a fact I wouldn’t dare to bring up. Nonetheless, I wasn’t even _trying_ to hide my excitement about being able to actually be inside one of the rooms.  Most rooms face the marina – a both breathtaking and chill view to say the least, and not just through some tiny little old window either. We’re talking about a huge sliding glass window, which also leads out to a small patio.  You could cover up the window with two layers of curtain if you weren’t interested in the view, but how could you _not_ be? _Ahh_ and the window is right across from the king sized bed, too… at least from what I’ve seen in the pictures. Imagine soaking in a sunrise just as you’re waking up – a sunrise so full and clear as if you were seeing a perfect painting come to life; the subtle rays creating shadows of the sails over the sparkling water – a view that’d make you wish your eyes were a camera, which by the way… I _really_ need get me one of those.  Man, I gotta tell ya’… I was excited. Especially on a day like today – it was one of those sunny, crisp and warm winter afternoons in L.A. 

“You know I’m really glad that you picked a hotel in this area, and not just because of the ‘first time’ thing…”  I chuckled.  “… but because I really like places with water views.” I said.  
We walked down the hallway of the hotel, as the numbers on each door increased. We walked side by side, and so did our hands as our fingertips grazed each other every now and then -- indecisive of whether to hold hands or not, but at the same time, kind of content with the constant teasing. Yeah. I think we both wanted it that way: to tease. I assumed so when we both slightly turned towards each other as we walked, and a gentle snort escaped us both accompanied with a smile.  
  
Because hallways.  
  
Hallways and corridors. They’re connected and they connect us. Because Krystal and I have always had the best of times and the best memories in hallways.  
  
“Is that why you often used to go to Han River to exercise?” she asked.  
“That is _exactly_ why – and how do _you_ know I went there often?”  
“I’d go looking for you at your dorm… _a lot_ … and Luna would tell me that that’s where you’d gone off to—Han River.” She said in a shy chuckle. I wanted to ask her if she had gone looking for me a lot _before_ my confession, just to bask again in the fact that she had also been crushing on me for so long before debut without saying a word. Though, I knew in the back of my mind that it definitely had to be before debut, since this is when I’d disappear the most to put in extra hours for training. But, you know… I always want to hear _her_ say it, from _her_ lips. I wanna hear her admit it. Still, I didn’t ask since she seemed to be visually flustered at the fact, and so was I.  So, I just smiled softly with a faint blush as I licked my bottom lip and pursed it in.  
We both stood in front of her door as she swiped her keycard to get it open.  
“Well, so how _is_ the view?” I impatiently asked, wanting to hear it from her first before we even stepped foot past the door.  
“Honestly…” she said, as she opened the door only to reveal the huge sliding glass window to be covered up by both layers of curtain – naturally.  “… I have no idea, because I haven’t opened the curtains at all since I’ve been here.” She finished with a giggle, as she walked into the room and placed her skateboard against the entrance wall. Whenever Sulli wasn’t in the dorms, Krystal would take the chance to make sure the curtains stayed shut, so much to the point where she sometimes wouldn’t even realize if it had become day or night unless she’d check the time on her phone. So, it was to be expected… but still! I can understand the dorm view, but this is the _marina_. You gotta make an exception, right?  
“Aww _come on_ , Krys… are you kidding me?” I jokingly complained, as I immediately walked towards the window and pulled away the curtains. “Look! Look. At. That. Are you seeing this?” I expressively pointed at the view past the large glass window. “You’re seriously gonna tell me you haven’t taken the chance to look at this amazing view?” She amusingly gazed at me with a half smile, arms loosely crossed, as she lazily leaned against the wall of the short hall that led to the bathroom door.  I glanced back and forth between her and the marina, simultaneously captivated by both, but showing more excitement about the marina.  
“I was too busy trying to catch _another_ amazing view.” Her voice was soft yet sensual. I turned to her and held my glance, this time with a half dropped jaw and an almost smirk. Look at her pulling one-liners on me. Can you believe that? I slightly chuckled.  
“You are _such_ a loser.” I said, chuckling still as I began to slowly walk towards her. “Do I have to remind you again that for a person who hates cheese, you are very cheesy?”  
“It’s _your_ fault.” She said, as she gently poked my nose and as she became suddenly shy. “You make me like this.” She continued to lazily poke me as she trailed her finger past my lips, which I met with a quick and tender kiss; she then continued the trail down past my chin, and then much lower stopping right below my neck.  Her lips remained shut, but I could tell that she was smiling -- smiling so hard from just the squinting of her eyes. Her eye smiles were always the best.   
“ _My_ fault?” I feigned innocence. She nodded cutely. “Ehh, I guess you’re right.” I said as I lazily shrugged. “Guess love just makes people cheesy and cliché even when they don’t want to be.”  
“Sadly, love doesn’t get you clean.” She gave me one final -- and this time -- firm poke right in the center of my chest before skipping away into the bathroom. I stood there feeling a little starstruck for a few seconds. “Are you coming or are you going to stay staring at the marina?” she shouted from the shower in a teasing tone. I raised my eyebrows out of confusion and slight surprise.  Did she just invite me into the bathroom with her? Does she want me to shower _with_ her? I followed behind into the bathroom either way; I am but a mere servant, and I need to follow the orders of the princess -- I thought to myself. As I was barely making it past the door, a piece of clothing flung and landed at my feet. I looked down surprised, and then raised my eyes to see Krystal already in the shower.  The sight of her was covered by a blurry and obscure glass door – again, _hella_ fancy. Her skin tone and the shape of her body were the only things I could manage to see.

“I’m… here?” I said awkwardly, as another piece of clothing flung from above the shower, landing at another spot on the floor of the spacious bathroom.  
“Is it okay if you keep me company while I shower?” She asked. I gulped and nodded, somehow forgetting that she couldn’t hear a nod.  
“Yy—yeah! Definitely. I was actually going to wait until you got out of the shower to show you, but… umm since I’ll now be in here with you…” I leaned onto the bathroom wall that was right next to her shower, and let myself slide down slowly into a sitting position -- my feet flat on the floor and my knees in front of my chest. I kept doing double takes towards the shower, trying to shut down my instinct to look towards her again and again and again… while also trying to shut myself down from imagining her completely naked. Why? I have no idea. I guess I felt guilty that she hadn’t exactly given me permission to see her naked right this moment. I don’t even know. My knees swayed from side to side as I fidgeted with my phone attempting to cool my nerves.  
  
Naked. Wet. Krystal.  
  
No! Amber…? Bad!  
  
“Show me what?” she cut the water on.  
“Remember the demo CD’s I talked to you about that I was going to pass around to a couple of local labels?”  
“Oh, yeah!”  
“Yeah, I actually have the demo on my phone right now, and well…”  
“How were you even planning on getting out of your contract?” she wondered as she interrupted me, recalling our previous conversation on the topic.  
“I actually hadn’t thought of it much? I kinda just figured that if someone liked me enough, they’d get someone to get me out of it or something.” I responded.   
“Like a lawyer to find some kind of loophole in the contract?” she asked.  
“Mm… yeah. I guess. Something like that.” I chuckled softly at myself realizing how no company would actually pay money to bail a rookie like me out of a contract. “I know… it sounds stupid. No one would want me _that_ bad.”  
“It doesn’t. It doesn’t sound stupid at all.” She defended me. “But, now you can hand over those CD’s to _our_ label instead, and save yourself a trial.” She teased me.  
“That’s the plan.” I chuckled softly.  
“I actually made some demos, too... the song I wrote and the one we wrote together? I handed them to our manager right before leaving to film the reality show.” She said proudly.  
“No way… really!? ‘Airplane’ and ‘Beautiful Stranger’?” I asked.  
“Yes, and against my mom’s wishes, too. So, it was double the pleasure.” She continued, feeling so accomplished.  
“Hell. Yes. Krystal, that is seriously awesome!” The words ‘seriously awesome’ were not the words that could actually describe how happy I was feeling at the sudden news. She was finally being true to herself and following her own artistic path, just as she had intended to do right from the start. She really _has_ found herself as she said, and I couldn’t feel more proud. And it wasn’t just the fact that she was ignoring the expectations of other people and following her own, but also the fact that she was finally overcoming her fear of sharing her feelings with the rest of the world.

 _“I’m not just being nice. I’m serious, Krys… you should write a song sometime.” I encouraged her._  
“I can’t do that…” she said, lowering her gaze slowly.  
“Why not?”  
“Because! Then all of my personal thoughts and feelings would be out in the open, exposed to the public.” She explained.

She had only shared the songs with me, because she told me that I was her world.

I blushed at the memory.

But I think I’ll be okay with it being ‘world plus one’ -- me still being her world, and the rest of the public being the plus one. That’s how I’ll view it, at least. So, I don’t get too jelly.  
  
“They may be on our next album. Who knows?” she hinted teasingly.  
“Damn, do you think if I show these to our managers when we get back – do you think if they like it, there will still be enough time for mine to go on the next album, too?” I wondered.  
“I think so. Wait, you said ‘these’. Are these the two songs – one that’s happy and one that’s sad?”   
“Yeah… the two songs I wrote for you. I was going to ask if you wanted to listen to them now… do you?” I asked.   
“Yeah… but, is it okay if I just listen to the happy one, and listen to the sad one some other time? I just don’t want to think about hurt or heartbreak anymore, or – not today.” Her voice was mellow, peaceful, loving, and – of _course_. How could I dare to change that mood right now?  
“ _Absolutely_.” I said cheerfully. “Whatever the princess wants, the princess gets.” I finished saying, as I loaded up the song on my phone. “I gotta warn you, though… because the lyrics were too obviously directed towards a girl, I sort of had to make it into a duet. I didn’t want just a dude singing my song either, you know? I wanted to sing the song, too. So, try not to cringe too much.” I explained.   
“Oh gawd…” she said under her breath, as she giggled feeling secondhand embarrassment.  
“Shush, shush, shush… I’m pressing play.” I laughed lightly myself. The managers don’t know how incredibly gay I am, so thankfully they won’t know how cringey this is when I have them listen to it next.  “Just remember, Krys… this is for you.” I said softly, taking a deep breath in and out as I finally pressed play. I was definitely nervous of what she might think, and was definitely self-conscious about her listening to my feelings for her written out and sung out into a song.  I had never done anything like this before for anyone…

 _'Cause I know you're the one I've been searching for. I know with you my life means more._  
I  just wanna love you, gimme that chance, wanna hold you.  
Baby, you know that I need you, I need you, and I'm wondering all the time.  
["I Just Wanna" - Amber Liu ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwsLT3P5r64)

Soon after the song ended, there was a brief moment of silence where all that could be heard were the many drops of water shattering against the shower floor. I turned to look towards the shower, and her silhouette wasn’t moving. It seemed like she was looking upwards towards the showerhead, letting the water fall against her face.  
“Are you smiling under the water?” I asked.  She then moved to face the glass door, and one of her hands pressed against it showing the print of her fingertips.  
  
“Baby boy.” She said suddenly.  
“Please be quiet.” I pouted jokingly and held back an embarrassed chuckle, as she then busted out into laughter.  
“Come here, baby boy.” She continued to tease.  
“Wow. And _I’m_ childish?” I laughed lightly, my cheeks slightly red. “Come on, Krys. Really, tell me what you think?” I insisted. She finished laughing, caught her breath and after another brief silence…  
“I _definitely_ think that any company would want you _that_ bad if they heard what I just heard.” She said. I smiled widely and proudly.  
“So… does that mean you smiled?”  
“You wrote this?” she asked in amazement, ignoring my question again.   
“And composed it, yeah. Henry and his buddy Genneo helped with the arrangements, and putting it all together and stuff.” I explained.  
“So, this is coming from the girl who said she couldn’t ‘write poetry and stuff’. I can’t believe I was lied to.” She teased me, quoting me from a while back.  
“Well, I _can’t_. I have to be like… _beyond_ inspired, apparently.” I explained, as I turned my gaze away from the shower and towards my phone, fidgeting with it again as I rested my arms on my knees.  “And I’ve never felt that way until I met you. So, I guess you’re kinda my inspiration; you’re my…”  
“Muse?” she said, taking the words right out of my mouth.  
“Yeah…” I scoffed with a smile, turning to look back towards the shower. I heard the water shut off.     
  
[Amber is Muse ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkUeQKHtqP0&feature=youtu.be&t=4m43s)  
  
“You’re my muse, too…” she said, and my smile grew.  “And I’m sorry I called you an idiot.” She continued. “But you _were_ being one.” She finished, and I chuckled softly at her comment.  
“I know... and I’m sorry I told you to go fuck yourself.” And before I could even finish that sentence, the blurry glass door of the shower slid open, my eyes met her full nude image, and it was as if a censor mosaic had come off of her body. “Uhh… not that I wouldn’t enjoy that literally.” the phrase just blurted out of my mouth, when I actually meant to only think the phrase to myself. Krystal smirked and raised a brow at my kinky comment. I nearly choked at her sight. I had been doing such a good job at not imagining wet naked Krystal. _Such_ a good job. “I… uhh… I mean.” I scoffed nervously, staring at her incessantly. She continued to hold that surprised smirk on her face.  
“Can you pass me the towel?” she asked, trying to not chuckle and being simultaneously amused at my reaction.  
“Yes. Yes. I can do that. I can pass you the towel.” I stood up as fast as I could, nearly tripping as I reached for what she asked. I then stood right in front of her as I extended my hand with the towel. She grabbed it slowly, enjoying seeing me so flustered. I tried to politely keep eye contact the whole time, but she began to slowly dry her hair right in front of me, instead of just wrapping the towel around her body. Was she doing this on purpose? Was this like that one time she jumped into the shower with me unexpectedly? Is she trying to seduce me again? Either way, I shouldn’t feel guilty anymore, since she’s basically giving me permission to see her like this, right? And with that thought, my eyes slowly shifted just a little below her neck.  
“Amber… we’ve both seen each other completely naked countless times. Right? Isn’t that what you told me?” she said in a teasing tone.   
“I did say that. Yes.” But I couldn’t exactly recall the last time I saw her 100% naked like she is now, and especially drenched right out of the shower like she is now. I continued to slowly shift my eyes lower to the familiar breasts that I saw just yesterday – in a pretty different context than now, though. My eyes continued to lower until I was finally about to reach her pelvic area…  
“I’m gonna have to close up the curtains while I get dressed, but I promise I’ll give you back your view as soon as I’m done.” She said as she suddenly wrapped the towel around herself, and began stepping out of the shower, past me and out the bathroom.  
  
Evil. She is pure evil.  
  
I turned towards the bathroom door. “Hey, wait a second! Dduddungie, you never answered me! Did you smile at the song or not?” She had denied me two things.  
“ _Not telling_.” She sang teasingly, her voice coming at me from the hallway.  
  
She denied me the knowledge of a smile, and she denied me seeing her sex – after basically flaunting it right in front of me. I couldn’t even catch a glimpse. I was _so_ close for a shot at that close-up.

Such a tease.  
  
My gaze slowly lowered towards the floor to notice a trail of wet footprints, her clothes scattered still – I chuckled softly at how messy she could be sometimes. I began to pick up the clothes for her, then grabbed one of the many folded extra towels from the sink counter, and dropped it to the floor to dry up her footprints. If she tried to walk back in here, she could easily slip – I thought. Once I was done, I began to make my way out the bathroom, through the short hallway, and out to…  
  
“Krys, you should really pick up after yourself more, you know? And I know I’m your servant and…”  
  
... the bedroom.  
  
Suddenly, those same clothes I had earlier picked up found themselves right back on the floor, for no particular reason at all other than the fact that my hands became weak at the view in front of me.  
  
“Krys…” her name came out through my lips in a wisp of air, as if I had been punched right in the gut.  She lied on her back with her body still bare, as the towel she wore when exiting the bathroom was now draped over the corner of the bed that lead right to her spread thighs. And in between those thighs? Both of her hands -- one occupied directly over her clit, and the other hand sliding one finger in and out of her core; both hands working at the slowest and most sensual pace anyone could imagine, or maybe it was just me playing every single second of this moment in slow-mo. Her eyes were piercing straight through mine, as if she had been waiting for me to catch her in this very position, as if she was expecting me the entire time and knew just exactly where I would be standing the moment I walked in on her -- stalking me like prey and I had fallen perfectly into her trap. I just _knew_ it… because her face showed focus and a serious expression, but then an immediate smirk drew over her lips the moment our gaze connected; she was feeling _so_ accomplished. I felt my eyes almost fall out of their sockets, my jaw was dropped, and I felt frozen in my steps… speechless.  
  
I had a brief moment of lucidity when my eyes quickly glanced past her and towards the window -- literally milliseconds – because I wanted to make sure that the window was very much covered, and for not a single soul to see my Soojung like this but me.  
  
Krystal had fully covered the windows after exiting the bathroom.   
  
And at this time, I _definitely_ did not mind the curtains being shut.

  
This view in front of me right now is  _absolutely_ more breathtaking.  
  
  
**To be continued...**


	31. Up So High

_Up So High  
  
_

 

[Stateless - "Bloodstream"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYVVEZY19BU)  
_I think I might have inhaled you. I can feel you behind my eyes._  
You've gotten into my bloodstream. I can feel you flowing in me.   


Jung Soojung had taken me on my advice, and was _literally_ fucking herself right in front of me… and just as I said I would, I was hella enjoying it. This view – what view could be better than this? I was finally at the point of after-shock, and was feeling as if something else began to take over me. Her faint but constant smirks towards me were only interrupted by the sudden jolts of pleasure that would cause her to whimper ever so softly. I felt my mouth water, while at the same time my throat was dry and constricted – tight as tight could ever be. And tight is where I _wanted_ to be… past her wet folds and wrapped around her aroused walls, savoring every last drop of her.  
  
If only I could just fucking move.  
  
My lips shivered and my voice finally escaped me in a nervous scoff. “What – what do you want me to do?” Gosh, I can’t believe that’s all I could muster to say.  
“Come here…” her voice leaking with seduction, her bedroom eyes still carving a hole right through me. “ _Down_ here…” she specified after a short pause, as I finally and slowly began walking towards her, bending my knees onto the floor, right at the edge of the bed and right in between her thighs. My head was straight forward – firm, and my breath softly hitched at my throat as I every now and then would glance downward towards her very busy fingers. I gulped at being this close… I could see her folds glistening from how wet she was. I slowly licked my lips, as I moved my eyes back and forth in between her perfect face and the main attraction. She bit and licked her bottom lip slowly, as the finger she was using to fuck herself steadily slid completely out of her. She hovered the finger teasingly over her entrance, all the while her other hand continued to work at her clit – at a slow pace still. The hovering finger then slowly made its way towards my lips, and barely grazed them as I tried to open my mouth to welcome it, but she suddenly then pulled it away and back near her entrance. I frustratingly scoffed as she bit her bottom lip in a soft chuckle. “You have to come get it…” she explained. “… if you want to taste it.” she finished. I was already pretty aroused at this point, I mean – who wouldn’t be? But _damn_ … every time this woman opened her freaking mouth to speak… I could literally feel the sound waves of her voice pressing against my clit; and the _teasing_. Gosh, the teasing… she’s going to kill me. I smirked as our eyes connected and as I slowly leaned lower into her folds, complying and complacent. The tip of my tongue reached for the tip of her lubricated finger, until inch by inch my lips wrapped further and deeper around it. And with every inch, wave upon wave of pleasure hit me as the taste of _her_ settled over my tongue. I could feel her slightly squirm, as the warm exhales of my breath that escaped me would hit her folds while I sucked on her finger so close to her entrance – sucking so determined. The full length of my tongue sweeping over her finger, not wanting to miss not even one bit of her taste… and even these bits were still not enough.  
  
Still not enough.  
  
As she began to slip her finger out from in between my lips, I whimpered internally. I tried to grip onto it gently as to not hurt her, but I wanted to hold onto it for dear life.  
  
It’s never enough.  
  
Her scent was becoming dormant over my taste buds, but was taking over the rest of my senses.  
  
It’s never going to be enough.  
  
The moment the tip of her finger rolled off of my bottom lip, I immediately and lavishly dipped into her folds, pushing my tongue into her, _inside_ of her… I needed to taste that again. The moan she released was loud, slow and extended; she used that same hand she took away from me to sink her fingers into my hair. I pushed my tongue in even further, feeling her walls and her juices wrap around it tightly. I locked both arms around her thighs, pushing her into me further. I could barely breathe as my nose was slightly pressed right below her clit, but I didn’t care. Not at all. At this point, all of the shock, nerves and shyness I had been feeling evaporated into thin air, and the only thing on my mind was to fill her up until she couldn’t take it anymore, until she screamed and begged for me to stop. And that’s exactly what I did; I began to thrust my tongue in and out of her, making sure to go in deeper each time – deep, as deep can possibly be, and her incessant moaning and panting did nothing but encourage me more. Her fingers pressed firmly onto the back of my head, pushing me into her further as she raised her hips to meet my pressure.

Just a couple few thrusts later, and with her fingers still pleasuring her clit… her climax hit her, and it hit _very_ fucking hard. The pitch of her voice became higher with each new moan after every second of panting, the muscles of her perfect abs convulsed into something violent, and her back dropped onto the bed like a boulder. The hand that was on her clit fell to her side, meanwhile her other hand slowly stroked through the strands over my head while trembling gently. The novel feeling of being fucked by a tongue… must have been what did her in good. I slowly pulled my tongue out from inside of her, panting, when suddenly… my hair was fisted into her palm tightly. She propped her back from the bed with one of her elbows – slightly heaving still – pulled up my head from in between her thighs by my hair still fisted into her hand. The pull on my hair stung lightly, but I didn’t mind it at all because her eyes were seeping with hunger, and I knew I was the main course; there is no better feeling than that. I crawled up onto the bed and then slowly above her, as she continued to guide my face towards hers for us to meet half way. She looked at me with lustful revenge; we were so close that our lips were barely grazing, and her fist was still gripping onto my hair, holding my head steady and in place.

I was growing impatient – when was she going to kiss me? When?! I needed it.

Our breaths were clashing as I tried to move to go in for a kiss, but she pulled my head back as in ‘how dare I?’ -- moving without her permission… what was I thinking? I should know better… And with my head held back, she began to run the tip of her tongue up my exposed neck as slowly and torturously as possible. Her tongue reached my chin and then my lips, where she brought my head back forward again and where our lips finally clashed, and believe me when I say that no kiss had ever been more intense than that one: the gentle bites, the whimpers, the moans, the pressure of our lips and tongues against the other – as if we were trying to fuse ourselves into the other with a kiss. The palm of my hands left the bed as I used my knees to prop myself above her, and in one swift move I wrapped one hand around her fragile waist, and another hand slipped in between her thighs. She moaned loudly against my lips, interrupting our kiss for only seconds, as I had sneaked two fingers into her tight core. I moved them slowly into her, deeper and deeper, and then slowly slid them out. I entered her a second time, but this time harshly, pressing the tip of my fingers against her walls and beginning to pump them in and out of her rapidly, which interrupted our kiss this time a bit more permanently as her lips were parted but not a single sound could escape her. The corner of her eyes began to sting with tears as she held them shut, and then she finally moaned – loud, as loud could ever be. Her eyes opened wide to meet mine.  
“Fuck, I love you…” I blurted out in a pant; all the while my eyes remained focused on her. My lips tried to hold onto hers even though she was slipping from me out of weakness. She was heaving, as her hand finally released the strands of my hair that she had been keeping hostage in her fist. Her fingers pressed down against the back of my head, roaming towards my neck, down my collar bone, and past my small breasts where she clenched at my shirt for but only a few seconds. I continued to try to kiss her lips, her eyes, her chin, and the rest of her face and it was hit and miss each time – our cheeks grazing against each other in between it all. She was scheming something, but was having trouble getting a hold of herself as I continued to pump into her just as hard, just as fast. She bit down onto her bottom lip harshly, as she whimpered inwardly. Her hand continued to venture past the hem of my shirt, and towards my jeans that she expertly unbuttoned. I gasped lightly as my eyes became focused on her hand that was now slipping into the inside of my pants and in between my legs.

She could never be fully dominated; she could never be fully not in control… you can’t tame Jung Soojung. There needed to be a balance or no balance at all, where the entire leverage was on _her_ side. She is too wild, she is too free, she is too unhinged, and she wanted to assert it… or insert it… and I had no problem with that. I released a teasing scoff accompanied with a smirk as I realized her intentions. I bit my bottom lip, as I slowed down the pace of my penetration… her eyes regained focus at the mini-break I had given her. She looked right into me, and I looked right back, both refusing to break eye-contact as her fingers slowly grazed over my clit. I twitched and moaned slightly at the touch, and a hint of a smile drew at the corner of her lips. Her fingers traced around my entrance, encircling it, teasing me…

“Do it...” I said with a soft smile.  
“Do what…?” now she’s just being cruel.  
“You know what.” I scoffed, as I drew my lips closer over to hers.  
“Say it…” she whispered, her words grazing over my lips. I shivered.  
“F-fuck me.” I replied, and before I could even finish the sentence, she slowly but harshly drove two fingers deep into me, curving them against my walls. I whimpered as I bit onto her bottom lip. I allowed her to pick up the pace before I began to pick up mine again… we were both fucking each other rapidly and hard as we moaned against each other’s lips. The only difference… I was hella more desperate to cum than she was. I pulled my fingers out from inside of her, and brought them towards my clit. I played with my very hard nub as she continued to fuck me hard, and I was getting ready to cum even harder… when suddenly she pulled out of me. I panted with frustration, as she looked up at me with an mischievous smile.

So mean…  
  
“Say it again…” she demanded, as she hovered her fingers over my dripping wet entrance. I was sure her palm had to be covered in my juices from being in this position. With that image alone, I could cum right now… but I did want her to fill me. Badly. I couldn’t deny that.  
“Damn it, Krystal… fuck me!” I desperately whispered. “Gawd… please. Fuck me… fuck me… fu—fuck…” I turned into an incoherent mess when she pushed back inside of me, and within seconds I was moaning non-stop, holding my trembling body in place with but only my one hand against the bed… but that didn’t last long as I let myself fall onto her body. She caught me gracefully, as she rested my head right in between her perfect breasts. It was a bit of an awkward position at first, as her fingers were still inside of me the moment I fell onto her, but I don’t think neither of us even noticed until much later. I whimpered as she slid her hand from out of my folds and wrapped her arms around my head. My chest would rise and lower against her abs, as I was still catching my breath, and her heartbeat pounded rapidly against my ear. Once the loud breathing stopped from the both of us – once we were able to catch our breath… a blissful silence took over the entire room.  
  
Heaven in Marina del Rey.  
  
That’s what it was.

I didn’t think I’d reach Heaven so soon this time around. I didn’t think either of us would be ready to go there just yet, but… I guess we were, or I guess the need was just so pure -- too pure to place on hold for even another second. When is it ever too soon? When is it ever too late? Why is there even a protocol on love to begin with? If it feels right for the both of us, then it’s _always_ the right time. Being inside of each other again was everything; feeling as if we were literally a part or a piece of the other – an extension of the other… that’s what sex with Krystal felt like. No matter how vulgar, but still vulnerable. No matter how erotic, but still artistic. No matter if we’re still simply seen as just a porn category… they’ll never be able to categorize our love.

[ _art is love made public_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHaRhU1fACE)

  
I ran my hands up and down the sides of her body, and gently pressed my lips against the side of one of her breasts.  
  
I exhaled happily.  
  
“I missed this feeling.” She finally spoke, her fingers now entangled into the hairs on my head as she tenderly played with the strands.  
“There’s a hell of a lotta feelings right now, babe. You gotta be more specific.” I chuckled softly.  
“This feeling of wanting to just stay with you… right here and forever.” She explained.  
“ _That_ feeling. The same way we felt when we were at the lifeguard tower.”  
“Yeah… just hide away from everything and everyone.”  
“At such great heights.” I quoted the first song we ever listened to together.  
“ _Come down now_ , they’ll say.” She continued speaking the lyrics.  
“But everything looks perfect from far away…” I continued, as I began to draw lazy circles with one of my fingertips around one of her nipples.  
“ _Come down now_ , but we’ll stay.” She finished, as she bit her bottom lip sensually at the feel of my finger.  
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be with you up there – up _here_ … I mean, not literally. I don’t want to literally hide away, but to just be so far up in love to not care about what anyone else thinks or says.” I said.  
“I want to be up there with you, too. I’m sorry I left you there alone…”  
  
We bickered and argued about the meaning of this song, simply due to two different covers; when all the while, we were each just giving it our own perspective stemming from our own deferring emotions. It felt good to feel the exact same way as the other did. It felt good to find the same meaning in something, to view it now from a perspective where we both stood together.

“Please…” I said, as I began to sit up and as she began to sit up with me. “… stop apologizing.” I turned to face her and noticed her eyes swelling with tears. “Oh no… are you crying?” I cupped her face into the palm of my hands, and afraid I may have said something wrong. Her eyes shifted to the side in embarrassment as I used my thumbs to brush the tears away from the corner of her eyes before they fell. “Why are you crying?” I asked with worry.  
“Because I love you so much that it hurts.” She said, as she refocused her eyes into mine.  
“Krystal… but, I don’t want it to hurt. It’s not supposed to hurt… is it?”  
“It’s a good hurt. Like… like the kind of hurt you need before it gets better. Like removing a scab.” She explained.  
I chuckled lightly. “Loser.” I said, as I then tenderly kissed her nose. “It can’t possibly get any better than this…” I said. She smiled and tenderly kissed my nose, too. I kissed her forehead next, as I then pulled her into my embrace, her face snuggled into my chest as I rested my chin onto the top of her head.  
  
We eventually took a break from the cuddling to wash up from the mess we had made with each other. She dressed up in nothing but a baggy t-shirt and we rejoined each other in bed again; except this time she brought over a laptop that I didn’t recognize. We were about to start searching for plane tickets to go back to So K.  
“You got a new laptop?” I asked, as she sat in between my legs with her back against my chest, and her opened laptop on her lap.  
“Oh… yeah… it sort of broke together with me?” she turned to look back at me with a shameful shrug. I held a confused look. “Kind of like how you broke that guy’s nose at Club Octagon?” she elaborated but not exactly, yet I somehow completely understood what she meant.  
“ _Ah_ …!” I responded. “Oh. Wow. Umm.” I continued at the realization.  
“ _Yyyyeah_.” She said, as she slowly shifted her eyes towards the screen.  
“Angry little Jung.” I teased her.  
“Do you want to die?” she threatened me with a chuckle.  
“Okay, I get it. I get it.” I chuckled softly. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” I leaned in to lovingly kiss her cheek.  
“Thank you. Only happy things.” She said.  
“Only happy things.” I complied.  
“Which speaking of happy things, I felt happy seeing you be happy with your mom. You looked super cute, and pampered.” She said.  
“Oh, gosh.” I felt embarrassed at her comment, but of course I had noticed her admiring my mom and I earlier before. “She does baby me sometimes, but don’t be fooled. She can get pretty harsh, too.” I explained.  
“I’m sure nothing like my mom.” She responded. I wanted to say ‘yeah… never to the extent of your mom’, but I wouldn’t dare to say that out loud. It’s like pouring salt right into an open wound. I just frowned lightly.  
“Well, my mom can be your mom, too – just so you know. I’m sure she’d be happy to finally have a more ‘feminine’ daughter.” I chuckled to try to lighten up the mood, she chuckled as well.  
“I know. That’s why I smiled, and I know what you may have been thinking, but not because I’m envious, but… I felt part of your family. Like… she _accepted_ me. My mom never hugs me. Yet your mom hugged me the moment she saw me, even though deep down she probably doesn’t fully approve of us… but she knows I make you happy – or that _we_ make each other happy, and that made _her_ happy. I could tell. I mean, I was confused at first -- I really didn’t mean to barge in like that into the kitchen. I was just looking for you, but…”  
“Yeah… I get it.” I interrupted her. “But… it turned out okay.” I finished her sentence; we both nodded softly and smiled. I definitely underestimated my mom, and I feel horrible for doing that. Jackie was right from the start. Sometimes she may not fully agree with what I do or what I am, but her love always… _always_ \-- at the end of the day -- her love for me triumphs it all. I can’t believe I overlooked that so many times.  
“Do you think my mom will ever come to that same conclusion someday?” Krystal asked, sadly hopeful.  
“I don’t know. Maybe. I do know that she loves you. She can’t _not_ love you. Whatever she does is out of ignorance, but she probably truly believes she’s doing the best for you. Like, when our parents tried to force us to eat broccoli as kids, they knew we didn’t like it, but they enforced it anyway because they knew it was good for us. I’m sure she has the best intentions in mind but, she’s just going about it the wrong way.” I responded  
“Yeah…” her tone still quite sad.  
“You also need to consider that maybe that’s how her parents brought her up, too. It’s hard for people to unlearn certain things sometimes after they get to a certain age, you know? But… it’s still possible. Hard, but possible. I think she’ll get there, eventually. Plus… now you have your sister backing you up.” I continued. She had been slowly nodding to all of my points with a hint of pensive sadness, but brightly smiled the moment I mentioned her sister.  
“Yeah.” She said with a happy sigh. I licked my lips and pursed them out of habit, trying to hold back a too big of a smile at her adorableness.  
“And you’ll always have me.” I assured her, as I brought her closer into my embrace, the top of her head right underneath my chin again, and my hands wrapped around her waist. She wrapped her arms around mine and leaned back comfortably further into my chest, her small frame fitting snug right in between my breasts. “Do you think your sister is going to be nice to me now?” I asked.  
“Probably not. You’re doing her little sister.”  
“Okay this is _not_ fair. She needs to be aware of our dynamics here, because most of the time _you’re_ the one doing _me_.” I refuted.  
  
She giggled lightly, as she clicked on the ‘purchase’ button on the screen.

 

[He Is We - "I Wouldn't mind"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qea3lLr5qQ)  
_I'm not afraid anymore, I'm not afraid.  
Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side. _

 

 

**To be continued...**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	32. Nothing but Closure & Anything but Ending

Epilogue:

_Nothing but Closure & Anything but Ending_

__

 

“Can we look at that view of the Marina together one last time?  I had _completely_ forgotten to re-open those curtains before we left the hotel that day.”  I said to her as I drove her back to her hotel for the second time.  We had just gotten back from what was the last meal with my family and we had spent the last couple of days over at my place helping Jackie with mom.  
  
“Distracted much?”  she asked in response to my request and with a smirk, as she glanced at me from the corner of her eyes.  
  
“I think we both know I was little more than just distracted.”  I replied with a mischievous grin.  
  
Both Jackie and my mom had now come to absolutely _adore_ Krystal, and I had gotten a chance to hear some more stories from my mom about my dad.  So, we felt a little more comfortable with the very close date we chose to catch our flight back to Seoul.  And this second trip back to her hotel was to do _just that_ , for her to pack up the rest of her things and check-out from the hotel.  We would be spending one more night at my house to have my mom and Jackie take us to the airport early in the morning.  See, I had originally felt that maybe we rushed the date a bit, probably because of the adrenaline and excitement of being back together.  I felt bad having to leave my mom so soon since she had just recently gotten out of the ward – I felt bad even though she reassured me that I should leave as soon as I could as to not ‘jeopardize this young career any further’, in her own words.  I thought maybe that the few days I had left with my family – with my mom – were maybe not gonna be enough.  And even though in the end they ended up being just the right amount, I still felt just a _tad_ uneasy – kinda that feeling you get when you’re on your way to somewhere, and you can’t help but wonder if you're forgetting something before you step out of the house, and it bugs you to no end because you can’t think of what the hell it is.  
  
But when that morning came, after the good-bye hugs were given and after the tears were shed… _nothing_ was more comfortable than standing side-by-side to a ‘close-to-perfect’ woman, staring at the entrance gate that would take us back home.  That’s right... _home_.  _Our_ home.  So, at that moment, I knew for a fact that I could have comfortably rushed this date even more.   _Ahh_ … much, much more.  
  
“Well... it looks like we were given a...  clean slate of sorts?  Like… this chance to start over almost from scratch.”  she said, as we both continued standing side-by-side looking into the entrance gate.  
  
And it’s true.  It’s as if each and every one of our relationships, and our entire surrounding world had gotten better.  Like a clutter had been violently removed, a clutter that had been stacking up for so long: my relationship with my mom, closure about my dad, Krystal’s relationship with her sister… and not to mention, I had gotten a second chance at love from getting closure with Soyeon, and Krystal had gotten a second chance to be herself and embrace herself.  
  
“I like the sound of ‘we’."  I said.  
  
Krystal turns to me chuckling and says, “Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah… just hear it again, like -- _we_ were given a _clean slate_.”I repeated it slowly.  “It sounds like a marriage thing or something.”  
  
“Are you asking me to marry you, Miss Liu?”  
  
“Well, not really but now that you mention it, I wouldn't mind it at all.”  I said as I turned to her with a smirk.    
  
She nudges my shoulder and says, “This is _not_ going to be our marriage proposal.”  We both laughed lightly as we turned back to face the entrance gate, and then a brief silence took over in between us both.  
  


 _If we go down, then we go down together._  
We'll get away with everything.  Let's show them we are better.   
["Paris" -- Chainsmokers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2PJkbIBmVQ)

  
“So… are we going in?”  I asked, breaking the quiet.  
  
“Wait… I just -- I want to bask in this for a bit longer.”  she responded as she took a deep and slow breath in, a smile of content drawn over her lips.   
  
“In…?”  
  
“Don’t you hear that?  That sound all around us of no one knowing who we are…”  I turned to her again, with a smile, as she continued.  “That sound of ‘no one cares’… the sound of a much better reality…”  she turned to face me and smiled back at me slowly and even wider, leaning in to embrace me, our foreheads slightly touched, and then her lips met mine in a tender kiss.    
  
“Whoa… _someone_ has balls lately.”  I said in a breathy chuckle, our foreheads still slightly kissing.  
  
“Ovaries, babe… we both have ovaries.”  she said with a chuckle and as we continued to hold each other close, taking in each others’ air.  The steady sounds of our breathing seemed to have drowned out every other competing noises around us: the shuffle of footsteps, the light chatter, the announcer voices through the speakers, the ambiance music, the rolling of luggage wheels...   
  
“I love it when you tell me I have ovaries, you know that?”  I jokingly said, enjoying being verbally acknowledged as being a girl.  “We should do this more often… _this_ … coming here to California together.”  I said as we slowly moved apart from each other, our close embrace turning into a firm holding of both hands, then soon standing side-by-side again, fixating our eyes back towards the entrance gate and hand in hand.  
  
“And this is where it all started…”  she pointed out.  
  
“Yeah… I mean I _did_ bump into you that day at the auditions… but _here_ … this is where we were actually together for the very first time.  In this airport is where I found out how something so heavy can maintain itself... so high… and fly…”  That day, I was speaking about the plane, but today…  
  
“I love knowing you…”  she said, with such adoration and in an almost slight sigh.    
  


_I looked out my window to see the clouds, as the plane finally stabilized, as it finally begun to drift steadily.  It seems so calm.  Amazing how something so heavy can work its way up against the high pressures of the sky, and then maintain itself so high… and fly._

  
… Today, know for sure that I’m speaking about us.  We made it through... _so much_.    
  
We were ready to go back, even though we enjoyed the privacy we shared in L.A.  We were ready to start anew, to chase our dreams together, to _feel_ together, and to _be_ together… without the fear.

 

 

  
In the comebacks ahead, we spoke but left things unspoken.  

  
[9:50](https://www.facebook.com/fxsubteam/videos/856315981063311/#) and [47:55](https://youtu.be/uCUqqXs08MA?t=47m55s)

  
“So, how did this song make its way into the new f(x) album?”  the radio interviewer asked in regards to the song _Goodbye Summer_.  
  
“Krystal tends to listen to songs on my MP3 player, and so she heard my demo by accident.”  I explained.  “She’s the one who recommended the company to put the song on the album.”  I finished.  They’ll know this, see… but they’ll never know _where_ we were coming from that day, or _who_ I wrote those verses for.  Spoken, yet unspoken.    
  
And we hid, but we hid _together_ – we hid _with_ each other and not _from_ each other.   
  
Nonetheless, the fans would always find ways to spot us together outside of our schedules, as per usual; and that is something that will never change for us, but we now work around it _together_  and not by tearing ourselves apart from each other.  Good thing the pictures are never very definite, so when these fan accounts _do_ come up, we always do the only thing we _can_ do: deny it like Shaggy.    
  


  


  
“A lot of fans are saying they spotted you two at Everland together after your debut year.”  Another interviewer mentioned.  
  
“No, I never went with Amber after the debut.”  Krystal bluntly responded.  She denied it – us being at the theme park that day -- as she held my hand tightly under the table, because she didn't deny it out of fear anymore, it was out of confidence… it was a ‘no matter what I say, we’re still real underneath it all… underneath this table’, because our love was still hung – hung _somewhere_ … just not on the closet door knob anymore.  It was hung up from the stars, from those stars of our hands.  Dangling, but where the world couldn't control us anymore, where _we_ had control, where _we_ called the shots.  
  
Through our love, admiration, and belief in each other, Krystal was able to find the courage to fight away the pressure to be someone other than herself, and the bravery of self-expression; I was able to let go of pain, and at the same time embrace it – allow it to mold me, teach me, accept it, and through it all… find my muse.

 

 

“Are you ready to try your mad driving skills on your birthday present?"  I said to Krystal through the phone, as I drove up to her sister’s house -- where she and Jessica had been spending a lot of time together as of recently -- I drove up... in a red SUV.  
  
She scoffed and said, “What are you talking about?”  
  
“Look out the window, loser.”  I replied as I held a huge grin towards their window where her face had finally shown up.  The surprise in her eyes and her dropped jaw was worth every penny I spent on this bad boy.  She rushed downstairs and outside, and as I was getting out of the car, she attacked me in a hug.  
  
“Oh my gawd!”  she said in a squeal.  “You actually got me a red SUV!”  
  
“That I did.”  I said proudly, as I raised the hand with the keys right up next to her face as she still hugged me tightly.  “Just don’t kill us all, okay?”  I teased her.  Jessica stood at the frame of the entrance door of her house, giving me a soft smile of approval and a lazy wave.  I waved back contently with my other hand, right before she went back inside.  
  
“Hey… I drive very well, thank you.”  Krystal defended herself, as she snatched the keys from my hand.

I always thought that Krystal was the light in my blackout.  No, not thought – I was for _sure_ , certain… without a doubt.  Not a _single_ doubt.  
  


_Looking out into the distance, all that could be seen: Blackout – a beautiful and deep blackout, dressed up in the sounds of the ocean, which caressed the moist and white sand beneath us.  It was starting to get cloudy – too cloudy to see the moon and the stars that would sparkle the water below, but if you looked hard… just hard enough… you could see something else sparkling, something else shining… It was her…_

_She shined the night, the water below… my life… and everything in between.  The sad part is that she barely had a clue._

 

Because when she left me… I found myself in that same blackout that she had found me in all over again.  
  


_... And seeing the light that I felt she once gave me, slowly dim away into a blackout again..._

  
"I went to almost every single one of your driving lessons, Krys but… of course you drive _very well_.  You’re the princess of parking perfectly… _right_ in the middle of the road.”  I chuckled at my own comments.    
  
She nudged my shoulder softly and said, “Remember who will have their hands on the wheel, Amber.”  she jokingly threatened.    
  
“Oh, come on.  It's not like you're gonna kill us… _on purpose_.”  I continued to tease her, eliciting a scary but playful glare from her, as I began to get into the passenger seat.  “Did you already tell Jessica you’re going for a ride?"   
  
“Oh, yeah.  Plus, I think she kind of gauged that from my initial reaction when I saw you through the window, anyway.  I mean, how can I _not_ immediately drive a brand new red SUV that my _amazing_ girlfriend got me for my birthday?”  she said, batting her eyes playfully at me.   
  
“Touche.”  I said, chuckling bashfully at her adorableness.  I then made my way from the passenger seat to the back seat to open the roof window, and as I stuck out my head above the roof of the car, “Forward, princess!”  I said in a goofy English accent.  I could hear her chuckling as she started the engine.  “To pi and beyond!”  I continued saying, as the breeze slowly started to hit my face as we started to pick up speed on the streets.    
  
"Isn’t that phrase supposed to be ‘to infinity and beyond’?"  she asked.  
  
“And pi is infinite.”  I proudly said.  
  
“You’re a dork.”  she concluded.  
  
“A dork who is making history.”  
  
“And how exactly?”  she asked.   
  
“First time ever where the princess drives around her servant.”  I said cheekily as I peeked my head inside to make sure she heard that one very clearly.  “And you can’t nudge me or we’ll both die!”  I said quickly and with a light laugh.  
  
“Oh, we’re going to park at some point.”  she evilly said.  
  
“Not in the middle of the road, I hope.”  
  
“Amber!”  she exclaimed, jokingly annoyed.   
  
But I was wrong.  Soojung Jung was never really the light in the midst of my blackout.  She was more like the switch, the ignition, the power cord, and the matchbox… _we_ were this to _each other_ – that which allowed us to find the light that was inside of us all along, the best version of ourselves that was just waiting to be enkindled.    
  
I stuck my head back out again, and with a huge grin on my face, made my hand ride the wind… just like flipper.  
  


and we know that we're headstrong, and our heart's gone,  
and the timing is never right, but for now _, let's get away_  
on a Roman Holiday  
["Roman Holiday" - Halsey](https://youtu.be/1GVhZ4R2-S4)  
  
  
  
  
  


  
**Kryber Is Love**

 

 

 

 

Author Notes: 

Guys... this is it.  This is the ending of the fic.  I just want to say, thank you so much for sticking with me through thick and thin.  I've been writing this for years with a clear goal in mind and you have all read this for years without faltering.  That is just amazing to me.  Your comments, praise, criticism, and loyalty to my writing were my fuel and motivation to finish this fiction.  It has not been easy for me personally, and even in regards to just the fiction -- with the huge absence of f(x) recently -- it has also been hard.  But YOU all made it possible. 

I wish to maybe turn this fiction into an original work at some point in the future, by changing canon events from Kryber into something different.  We shall see.  I hope you guys enjoyed the ride.  Fear not, though.  I will still try to write those one-shots I told you all about that will be derived from little scenarios that will be the same characters from this story, things like future break ups, Amber getting her puppies together with Krystal, etc -- things like that.  So, please look forward to that [here](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1150420/one-shot-wonders-kryber-fxkrystal-fxamber).  I will also accept requests.  I tend to only like to write within their canon world, but I could get a little crazy with an AU.  I actually have been considering writing an AU of Psychopath/Psychologist with Kryber.  So, we shall see about that, too.  I've been going back to the previous chapters polishing things up, correcting grammatical errors, etc.  Please feel free to give a re-read and share, please!! 

Now, in regards to songs I chose for this chapter,   
  
 **"Paris" by Chainsmokers** depicts two naive lovers where "Paris" isn't actually a destination, but more so like an alternate reality or a better reality that they wish they could live in in order to escape from "parents" or the pressures and regulations and barriers that present themselves against their relationship.  And it talks about sticking through thick and thin with each other, no matter what, and if they so happen to screw themselves over due to their naivety, then they will be at least screwed over together.  I thought it was perfect for the scene, since they were talking about being in L.A. together, and being in this reality where they can freely be with each other, but at the same time talking about going back to face everything together.   
  
 **"Roman Holiday" by Halsey** is a bit similar to "Paris", but it talks more about the past.  I thought it would be a fitting song for the ending since Halsey is talking about everything that the couple went through in the past, all of their hardships together, and all of the little romantic memories, getaways, and all of the times they used to sneak around together, and then it talks about how no matter what the rest of the people think about them being together, they're going to face it all head on, and continue to escape and not give a damn.  The title of the song even, a Roman Holiday is where people get enjoyment regardless of the discomfort of others.  Them riding off into "infinity and beyond" together on Amber's birthday gift to Krystal is allegoric to them riding off against the tide together and against everyone who would oppose them together.   
  


 


End file.
